>>43133762
i feel that. justification for the way that I am and feel would be nice but the truth is,,, things often just aren't that clean cut. things are how they are and its your choice to live with it. i know you have it in you anon

>>43133762
I would have abused you dumb little fag

You don't want that
t. raped

>>43133762
...???
It seems like most people who've been in situations like you describe end up getting crazier because they can't move on from their trauma or process it properly.
Some people end up getting themselves into repeated situations with DV, SA, and rape to relive their experience to understand it because their brain is all fucked up.
Those who are mentally, emotionally, and physically reserved from that kind of abuse tend to be avoidant and emotionally and physically withdrawn. Fear of closeness, bonding, and intimacy in all forms, yet they crave it because it's only natural.
I'm the latter. :( I got the emotional abuse and neglect from my parents, which led me to have a fear of physical and mental intimacy despite having the cravings for it.
I ended up in an SA situation not too long ago, and now I'm pretty set in stone with not wanting to pursue relationships and sex despite having a sexuality.
Most people don't understand it, and think I should just identify as asexual or something when I'm just fucked up and have no insurance to book an appointment with a sex therapist or something.
All I can say is, please don't envy those with severe sexual and intimacy trauma. It's a pretty fucked thing to deal with.

>>43133762
i feel like i haven't suffered enough to call myself a real woman. how could i when i've had so much male privilege my whole life?

>>43133798
how moving

>>43133806
i don't want it, and i'm not stupid i know it's bad, i just feel like it would justify how fucked i am. not trying to downplay anything

>>43133811
>Those who are mentally
theres a part of me that wishes i was more avoidant. when i start caring i get way too clingy and a part of me wishes i or someone else could beat it into submission
> I'm the latter…
i'm sorry about your situation :(
> All I can say is…
like i said above, i don't envy it, i know it's horrible, there's just a part of me that feels like it would at least make how busted up i am make more sense. it's not like i'm completely removed from it; i've had someone force me on them last year (though nothing beyond shoving my face into their crotch), but clearly that wasn't enough to do makes me think twice about anything

>>43133817
I know. Being so sad, pathetically alone for no material reasons makes me feel like a jackass. Those who go through shit never deserve it, but I deserve it. I am being an asshole by being miserable.

>>43133934
you get it

I was raped 18 months ago and sometimes think I should be more of a mess lol, funny world

>>43133956
I think that just means your rapist wasn't mean enough

>>43133811
>getting themselves into repeated situations with DV, SA, and rape
literally the worst thing in the world having a girlfriend like this

>>43133999
that's not your gf bro you're just taking your turn

>>43134044
yeah I know it’s someone else’s turn right now

>>43133893
>should've been
>i don't want it
pick

>>43133934
>>43133952
Yes, I feel this too. However I know what it leads to: an endless cycle or spiral into worsening self-worth. The punishment loop ends only when you can’t take more abuse and you’re left as a husk of a person who has been so abused by yourself and others that you don’t know how to get out.

Point being, the answer is to slowly and surely work on your life and self worth until you’re proud of who you are. You have to see yourself as someone worth loving, just as you’d love any person or your own child. You have to believe that you have as much capacity for gentleness and openness as you do for darkness.

Abuse from partners or others will only leave you damaged and more unsure of your worth. Worth comes from slow, small actions every day that help you feel aligned with your heart and connected with others.

I’ve watched my mom spend her entire life outsourcing her self worth to others and she can only put on this false temporary sense of self worth because her father died young and abandoned her. She’s been in lots of abusive relationships. It’s fucked. But if she can’t accept love then no amount of love (or abuse) will fix her. She has so much kindness and gentleness but she doesn’t believe deep down that she’s good or has worth…