Im 6 mo on E and idk if its a good idea to keep going or not. The problem is that sometimes i really like the effects, but other times i get anxious i wont like them (especially regarding breast growth).Sometimes ill like see myself in the mirror and like how my face and skin look more feminine now. Or ill see myself topless or in a sports bra in the mirror and like how i actually have breasts/curves now.Occasionally (maybe like once a week-ish?) these feelings get very strong and i get super emotional seeing myself like this. Like i start happy crying or jumping up and down in joy about how i look more female now and about how i love having breasts and stuff...On the other hand, usually when im not in front of a mirror/not looking at myself in third person, i get anxious. What if ill dislike having breasts? What if i dislike them already? Like i might brush up against them with my arm, and feel a bit weirded out or unsure how i feel about them being there.Or i see a woman with a big chest and wonder about how "that looks kinda uncomfortable" and get anxious id end up like and would dislike it.Its also that these anxious thoughts are really hard to shake off. They are almost constant.Im also confused because there seems to be a seperation. Where when i see myself in third person i enjoy the effects. And when im in first person i get a bit anxious.This isnt 100% clear cut, sometimes i see myself in the mirror and doom about having a broad shoulder and ribcage, or get upset at how my boobs look weirdly like pecs and a lil odd on my wide ribcage. Or im not looking at myself in third person and still like how my breasts dent my clothes out a bit, or i like how i can feel them move or i like how soft my skin feels.But if i constantly have these conflicting feelings, which ones should i believe?On one hand E seems to make me extremely happy sometimes, but on the other im also almost constantly anxious about it being a mistake anyways.
>>43138495This just sounds like you have anxiety or OCD alongside gender dysphoria. I have had similar feelings but they've improved over time with transition. I'd say keep on transitioning.
>>43138495you should consider if you have any trauma in your life regarding gender/sex/social binaries. And break them down. Then consider if you're doing this for your own pride, or if you're doing this to escape or avoid other feelings that you had before.And don't be scared to just stop. You won't lose any real progress and you can always just start again. I wish I understood that when I first started.
>>43138530>And don't be scared to just stop. You won't lose any real progress and you can always just start again. I wish I understood that when I first started.(not the OP but similar situation)did you start again? why or why not?
Ultimately you are taking a drug with side effects like any other. It’s not some magic sunshine pill.
>>43138495Stopping E after the first month doesn't really 'undo' your progress, breast tissue once grown cannot be ungrown unless surgically removed. The female puberty that started will be partially paused, but not undone. Some male things would eventually see a light rebound(especially in the skin and facial hair), but 6 months of E would have permanently damaged your ability to produce T, so while it would recover off E and blockers it would never get back to a normal male level without help. That said, you could stop now and experiment with they/them non-binary if you don't want to complete a full female puberty and stop part way.
>>43138513Im p. sure i have anxiety, i have always been a very anxious and indecisive person, and yeah in part that already might explain why im like this lol, dont think i have OCD tho.How long did it take for you to have these feelings subside? Ideally id also want to just become fine with it and keep going as well.For reference: The first 3 months i was mostly fine, this daily questioning myself stuff only started in the last 3 months or so/since the new year. And those extreme happy crying episodes only started happening in early february or so.
>>43138530trauma is such a nebulous word to me, so idk lol. That being said i dont think i have any (in general or regarding gender/sex/social binaries)And honestly idk why im doing this lol. Originally it was because i had been considering i might be trans for over half a decade. And i never became certain, so i was hoping trying it out would net me more certainty. Plus the longer i just questioned it the more i got depressed i hadnt tried it yet/transitioned yet.Seeing like early 20s or even 18-19 yo trans girls getting to be pretty and living their best lifes fucking hurts when i actively wasted all that time and could have been one of them. And instead just kinda disassociated those years and either tried not to think about it/distract myself or got myself hung up over "not being sure" or it being "too hard" over and over :C.> And don't be scared to just stop.Im considering it, i recall feeling better in the first few months than before. So maybe if i stop and feel worse ill regain some certainty.Problem is tho im not doing DIY, and im scared my endo might kick me out or sth if i stop/take a break. And i dont wanna have to wait for a new endo appointment if i wanna restart.So ill prob keep going for at least another month till the next appointment and get thru that so i can get another prescription and stash that for if i wanna restart.
>>43138600Yeah ive considered that too. Mayb i should just keep going since i seem to like all of it, except maybe breast growth. And even for that part there are times where i like it so maybe i just gotta get used to it.Worst case ig ill have to get top surgery, in fact i prob kinda have to already to get a 100% male chest back lol, and then either be a cis guy with top surgery, which is at least a bit funny, or get top surgery and stay on E to become a MtTheyfab/NB transfem or sth.Tho then im scared bc top surgery is easier the less breast tissue there is right? So ideally id know right now if i want to get rid of it, but i dont :C.But idk id already need surgery to completely revert. Mayb i just gotta accept i fucked my chest beyond repair (hated it already anyways bc my ribcage is wide af :C) and keep going and grow some tits ig.Best case i end up liking them and they balance out my ribcage.Worst case i gotta get the surgery id have to get already to revert it.
>>43138742So, I had really, really bad issues when I first started. I quit E after 3 months. It made me feel a bit better but then I restarted after another 3 because dysphoria. That was a little over a year ago now. It took a while, and it's cyclical. Sometimes the anxiety is still really bad. But moving into a new apartment helped a lot. Same with no longer forcing myself to be a bit more feminine and letting it happen naturally. Also, vitamin supplementation. Vitamin D and a methylated B multivitamin. Maybe add a mild anti anxiety med like Buspirone.
I wish I had some of my threads saved for you. We sound very similar, I am also very fickle and anxious.I seriously would recommend stopping temporarily, but as soon as possible. You don't need to force it, and try to make it feel right, by continuing. I think stopping for just 1 week will help you get some more perspective and lower your anxieties.I will say that I still have not figured it out, and still detrans + retrans repeatedly. I started at 25 and now I'm almost 28.
>>43138661If you only mean that it doesnt undo breast growth then yeah ik, and thats kinda my problem lol.Like the E change im the least sure about is the (most) permanent one, it kinda sucks lol.> Some male things would eventually see a light rebound(especially in the skin and facial hair)Yeah and this is the stuff id like the least to return/like the most about E :C.> 6 months of E would have permanently damaged your ability to produce TOh thats interesting thats the first time ive heard of that. I have no problems with that, its interesting tho. I thought (given enough time) it was likely to do a full (or almost full) rebound? Given that even cases of like years on HRT have basically a 50/50 chance to get stuff like fertility back if they stop for a few months, and it was only 6 months for me.> if you don't want to complete a full female puberty and stop part way.Yeah thats the problem idk if i want one or not :C. Or rather i do think i want one (or at least prefer it), im just anxious about breast growth...The problem is also that like, for E effects i like all of them basically, except being unsure about breast growth, but even that i seem to like somtimes. But i dont like any of the T effects and i really dislike i already had to suffer thru so many of them :C.So incomplete E effects + back on T and already having complete T effects is kinda not the best deal from that perspective lol.I just wish i was certain what i wanted :C. And ideally i wish i was certain i want tits too cuz then this would be a no brainer lol.
when i first started hrt, i was excited and finally doing this thing that id been wanting for years. i was scared maybe im not happy to be trans, im just happy because i followed theu and accomplished a goal? like maybe i have the same excited glow as a suicidal person does before they do it.. but these are anxious thoughts that are more about worrying about your future. if u have gender euphoria then thats the biggest tell. it means u dont want to see ur body masculinized. like in “first person” you are too connected with like your anxieties about your life to see past it and scared that you do like it. also when u transition youre losing a layer of disassociation you have had so while everythings happier, everything is worse because you’re actually able to feel more emotions and never learned how to process it.
>>43138903>The problem is also that like, for E effects i like all of them basically, except being unsure about breast growth, but even that i seem to like somtimesI think like 80% of tranny's here feel the exact same way and are just as unsure as you
>>43138903T loss is largely due to testicular atrophy, they shrink eventually. What you could do is reduce your E dose and drop blockers, but still take enough your body doesn't try to re-increase T production. There will be enough E to surpress a T surge, but not enough to continue a proper female puberty or fully feminize you.Gay men back in the day used to do something similar(except from the start so no breast growth) to get softer hair and skin and as an aphrodisiac. There are absolutely doses that will reduce your T and feminize you a bit without being high enough to go full boob production mode .
>>43138880Hmm ok, i hope i can get there too, if anything i think id prefer just being ok with it all and to keep going lol.I do have a vitamin D deficiency, but my endo actually already gave me supplements for it lol. The other things you did i prob cant replicate, im not interested or able in moving i think, also i didnt really force myself to be more feminine. I did try some stuff i hadnt after starting E, but it didnt feel like i was forcing myself extremely or anything.> restarted after another 3 because dysphoria.Thats another problem i have, im not quite sure why im doing this lol. Like idk if i have dysphoria or not.Like i occasionally get envious of women and have for a long time. I also sometimes get sad at my male features (tall, large hands and feet, large ribcage and shoulders, body hair).But (usually, id be lying if i said i dont sometimes cry about it, but its not very common) its not that strong or often even.Mayb my problem is just that im still an "egg" in some ways despite considering being trans for 5+ years and even being on E rn. I never had a moment where i like truly and irreversibly went "o fuck im trans i gotta fix this". They happen sometimes, but usually i just go straight back to doubting it/being anxious im not instead lol.
>>43139049This sounds more like me than you realize. Try the methylated B multivitamin and Buspirone. I'm on 5mg a day, which is like half of the typical starting dose (5mg twice a day) and it helps. Also, maybe find a bf or something. I found that I had some weird psychosexual issues where when repping I was basically trying to be my own boyfriend and that caused a lot of weird issues.
>>43138897> I wish I had some of my threads saved for you.Oh yeah that would have been great. I always like seeing people who have similar issues as me, makes me feel a bit less alone and like im the odd one out in a sea of 100% certain and binary "death before detransition" kinda trans women lol.> I seriously would recommend stopping temporarily, but as soon as possible.Yeah but idk about that. This is the kinda thing that really makes me wish i was doing DIY instead.Cuz im at an Endo i feel like i have to perform being "trans enough" so i can get more E prescribed lol. And i dont wanna ruin my levels and then have to answer akward questions about why my blood test results look so weird...Like i waited for my initial appointment 9 months (which i deeply regret now, i could have started at 23 instead of 24 yo :C). Ik DIY exists but apparently rn its kinda hard to do in Europe + clearly im too much of a coward for it otherwise id have done it instead of waiting 9 months or just even years earlier lol.And i badly want an E stash even if i decide to stop permanently. Because i dont wanna have to wait that long again to start back up if i decide otherwise...> think stopping for just 1 week will help you get some more perspective and lower your anxieties.Ig i might do that, since i think i can spare 1 week without ruining my levels. But idk what it would help? Ik that when i started i needed at least like 3 weeks or sth before i noticed *anything* at all changing...> I will say that I still have not figured it out, and still detrans + retrans repeatedly. I started at 25 and now I'm almost 28.Ouch :C. No offense but that is kinda my worst fear too lol. Like being wrong and having to detrans is bad, but at least id have certainty. But not being quite sure either way forever sounds like genuine hell sometimes lol.Is it that bad or have you sort of accepted it now? Idk i just wish i was a normal trans woman most of the time lol.
>>43139036This. While T naturally overpowers E in the body, after 6 months on E and blockers your T levels will be in the toilet and you'd have to completely drop all meds for it to spool back up to masculine levels(and even then it would be more like 90% recovery, 100% recovery is often just not doable as breast tissue being there promotes estrogen and balls eventually shrink).Your T is weak enough at this point a smaller E dose can keep it from bouncing back even off blockers, but the end of blockers would probably halt further breast growth
>>43138930> if u have gender euphoria then thats the biggest tell. it means u dont want to see ur body masculinized.Yeah thats the problem it really does seem like i do sometimes lol. Like i have hundreds of photos of me now being happy about how i look in a mirror lol. Like its a complete novelty, before february this mont my pone has like 300 pics on it at best (going back 2 years), none of which are of me.Now in february + march it has 900 pics on it most of which are of me being happy about how i look. Most are even doing shit like topless pics or trying to pose to make my chest look more prominent/bigger lmfao. This also includes like 10 or so videos atp now of me sobbing in front of the mirror because im so goddamn happy that i look more female now and have curves lmfao.So idk this should really settle the debate in my head shouldnt it. But somehow it doesnt :C. Plus the fact i get this unusually happy makes me also fear that im faking it somehow. Like it feels surreal i have never behaved like that before. It also doesnt help that these episodes are like 5-15min max long, and afterwards i can usually go straight back to doubting it all and being anxious about breast growth eventho i literally just got done posing them in the mirror and grinning about it like a dumbass lol.> also when u transition youre losing a layer of disassociationI was also expecting/hoping that to maybe happen when i started E. But now im not so sure anymore if it did? Sometimes i do feel like i can somehow think clearer, and i think in like the first month or so i did feel like i had some brain fog that got lifted.Now idk tho, its not a super concrete concept so it feels like i might have just made it up lol. And my head isnt super clear rn lol. Tho i think im also generically depressed rn so it could be that too ig.
>>43138933wdym exactly? Trans women in general and this is kinda a normal experience actually?Or do you mean 4chan trannies specifically bc this is the place where they might unironically/semi ironically identify as cis men on hrt/hrt reppers/manmoders/boymoders etc?
>>43139036Idk, if anything all these half measures/more experimental hormone regimes make me even more confused lol.Not just do i now need to know if im trans, i also need to know how trans/gnc i am on a range of:just be a femboy - just take duasteride and do skincare - low dose E - E + SERMS to prevent breast growth - E + top surgery to prevent breast growth - E + anamode to prevent breast growth - E but only take it for a bit - just take normal trans woman E doses.If anything it feels like it makes it even more complicated lol. Eventho its ofc great to have options.
>>43139070> Also, maybe find a bf or something. I found that I had some weird psychosexual issues where when repping I was basically trying to be my own boyfriend and that caused a lot of weird issues.Ok i dont think i tried to be my own bf or anything. But lowkey having a bf/gf might help lol. Like if i had someone who liked the E effects on me as well, id prob have a much easier time to keep going lol.Altho that is prob not a great reason to keep taking E lol. Plus it doesnt matter, im too much of a shutin to get a bf/gf and im honest to god not even sure if id want one. Like ig itd be nice but idk how much effort id be willing to put in for it lol.Plus idek if id rather have a bf or gf. Im very confused and concerned with my gender shit, but weirdly im not at all concerned with my sexuality eventho that also has a non zero chance to be up in the air lol.
>>43138495You obviously have OCD dummy. Keep taking E and stop wasting time. That's all stopping and then inevitably re-trooning does. You send yourself back to the shitty dissociative shadow realm only to re-emerge guilty you've wasted even more time. Transitioning further and actually completing your transition is the only escape. Manage the OCD and keep pushing forward.
If OP just wants to stop the boobs getting any bigger just get off blockers and reduce E dose a bit
>>43139750The problem is that im also not quite sure if i want that either tho lol.Sometimes i feel like i might actually like my breast more when they are more developed. Even rn i tend to like them more when they are more "breast like" (ie a bit more protruding/larger/affected by gravity) and less like just weird looking and feeling pecs.But ill keep this option in mind ig.
>>43139365Yeah im scared it could be that too (altho honestly i dont think i have OCD im just a very anxious person with a lot of time on my hand rn to catastrophize about this stuff. I mostly meant the part about going back to repping and then regretting the lost time).But idk even if thats true, and depending on the day im not 100% convinced, maybe its still worth it just to gain some certainty? What good does it do if i make the right choice but im not aware its the right choice and am actively fearing it may be the wrong one?
I have read the whole thread and, wow. I can just say this has been the most relatable string of text blocks I have ever laid my eyes on.... Since I started considering I might be trans, I had similar feelings the whole time about not liking the changes and maybe just faking that I am trans because while I do experience gender dysphoria, it just started appearing at around 18, and I previously only felt a sense of disconnection with my body before that and disliking how my hair grew and other male puberty changes. When I moved away from my parents house I just started really hating those changes I had gone through but was really scared and denying I could ever transition as it felt like an immense mountain (it still kinda does), but after a whole year of being in and out of doubt, I finally came out to my mother and I was able to start going on hormones legally.Now I'm 1mo hrt almost and I can just feel my nips hurting; maybe I am too hondosed (100mcg transdermal and 100 shittyspiro), but I have been feeling as dysphoric as ever and really beating myself over it: I wanted to do this and now I am doing it and now i need to be patient. I will be able to judge on the changes I experience after a while but I would NEVER come back to only being on T, because it felt like poison genuinely....I am really anxious rn and need to study for exams but I feel like I made the right choice and probably you both did too. My advice is building a net of people that care about you and can help you out in episodes like this. I am now trying to open myself up more and I believe it will be liberating, as with some people (trannies) you can express your doubts and idk give you hope (like this ig).Keep it going sisters
>>43139851There's nothing wrong with pausing it if you want to though, your breasts won't shrink. They'll just stop growing and you can sort of just freeze your changes where you are now. You can up the E dose and go back on blockers to get things progressing again after if you want
bump
>>43139247trans women in general in that first year of transitioning.
>>43138495separate external responsesimagine a set of scenarios where you are the only person aroundwould you take e or not?sounds like you are doing good but don't want to be 'visibly trans' or whatever
>>43142460Hmmm ok, i really hope thats true, i dont want to have made a massive mistake with this :C.Altho i gotta say im also surprised that you say this is common. In my mind its like most trans women would definitely want breasts and are pretty sure about that no?But also it makes sense ig cuz its like the biggest and most obvious change, which is partially why im so conflicted and anxious about it as well.
Ok so i just got out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror topless and fucking loved having breasts.If anything i might have wanted them to be a bit more breast shaped and bigger and less pec-like/cone-tit like. So i dont have to angle myself at a very specific like 45 degree-ish where they look round and noticeable enough to make me happy i have curves, but not angled so far that it becomes apparent that they have more of a cone tit shape.So idk ig we can cancel the thread lol. But also not really becaue, somehow, in spite of me literally just 10 min ago having been super happy that my chest looks more female, im still scared i might be making a mistake or that i will dislike them when they get bigger...Idk ideally id want like small but very well shaped breasts. But ofc i cant guarantee that, and im scared ill end up with massive round ball like honkers instead, that will be apparent no matter what i wear.Instead of like cute, smaller, tear drop shaped ones that only tastefully dent out shirts and such a bit :C.
make sure you're writing all of this shit down in a journal you crazy bitchit might help you to look back on this in 12 months when you're dooming about whatever's going on then
>>43143956Well these posts/threads are actually partially my journal lol. (I screenshot them/download the webpages when they get archived lmfao).I also have an app on my phone to track how often i like HRT effects and how often i like my current breasts.The former is currently averaging like ~16 occurences of liking any HRT effects per week. And ~10 occurences of specifically liking my breast growth per week lol.Altho some measures indicate otherwise. I also track how often i dislike my male features and that is only averaging like ~4 times per week. Or how often i get envious of women is only ~4 times per week. Or how often i get envious of boobs/want bigger/more developed ones is only ~2 times per week...Altho there is some reporting bias, like ik i have things in there im supposed to track but just dont (as much) as they actually occur. Where as for other trackers i keep up much better.Additionally i also have a folder of pics and videos of myself on my phone where i was super happy about how i look. Videos of me toplessly talking into a mirror about how happy i am i look more female now and have curves and breasts (a bit), in between sobs because i was so happy i cried, are surprisingly effective at convincing me that maybe im doing the right thing after all lol.Mayb i should start an actual journal too tho,,,, idk.
