I wish I never would've opened Pandora's Box. Transition is a genuine cognito-hazard.It would've been easier if I had remained a soulless husk, instead of fighting for my humanity by going against my own material realityNow I'm veiled in thorns of agony instead of slowly letting myself slowly drown
>>43148270>instead of slowly letting myself slowly drownDamnit, I didn't mean to type slowly twice
i hate you and i hope you burn in hell
>>43148392I will when my time comes, don't worry. You really shouldn't hate me though. Not for my sake, but for yours. Harboring hate for a stranger, no matter how well deserved it is, will only make you miserable
>>43148270I still sometimes feel like that years into my transition whenever I'm really depressed and dysphoric
>>43148447except that i recognize this typing style and have an idea of who this is
>>43148560I know who you are too
Yea
>>43148270yeah for me i think the truth is that i got a bad life outcome, like being born without legs, you wouldnt tell someone with a birth defect to spend their whole life trying to correct it by all means necessary, you teach them how to grieve it and accept it. i should have just grieved it and set my sights lower for my life outcome, but i couldnt do that. i had to look at all the other people who had it better and envy them and it lead me down the path to self destructive neurosis. its not complicated, im just an ugly loser male. there are millions like me and they dont start shooting up estrogen. Im pathetic.
>>43148638I relate to this a lot (pre estrogen).It's just a bad hand you get dealt and it's obvious that other people don't have to go through the same loony troonies rollercoaster bc they were born not ugly, not neurotic and socialized better.
>>43148584good
>>43148689I'd love for you to open up and actually let me understand your hate. I both want to help you forget me, and I also want to learn from my mistakes
>>43148270>Fight! Cling to life!>There is naught beyond this moment for those who will not give themselves whole to their cause!Would you really disappoint this dragon?
>>43148704if this is actually who i think it is, then j already told you last night
>>43148678i think what it was for me was how i slowly learned that i was ugly and weird, and how that made people reject me, how it put me at the bottom of the social hierarchy and how it meant i was never going to have anything good ever happen to me, a life without friendship, love. not professional success, since who wants to hire someone like that? I couldnt internalize that everything that I saw people having that I didnt have was just because they were born that way. I had to convince myself that no, what I am experiencing is "dysphoria" and it is medically treatable. and it just isnt. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer is a universal reality.
>>43148743I know you told me last night, but to me it still doesn't add up why it would make you feel such intense hatred. I've told you that I'm pretty stupid after all
>>43148778I heavily relate to this. Can't help but feel like I wasn't made to be human, nor alive really. It feels like my mere existence is punishment for an unspeakable sin I can't remember committing
>>43148638>there are millions like me and they dont start shooting up estrogen. Im pathetic.And there are millions more who do, though.>>43148678Take your pills, seriously.
>>43149154i dont think there are millions of trannies who think of themselves as incel males.
>>43149644You seem to forget that one doesn't have to be a tranny to use estrogen.I'm a failed male and a faggot. Taking estrogen helps me cope better with that, makes me like my body more and makes my bf's dick get harder faster. I am not a woman, not even a transwoman, just a fag who is happier now than 3 years ago.
>>43148951ugh, i would like to tell you in private but i can’t bring myself to send a fr only to ghost you once more:pbut i will say that you don’t know how lucky you are
>>43149756okay thats great for you and at times i can feel the same way but then i have to look at myself in the mirror and think about how i have to hide all of this from my family and how when i hang out with trannies i feel like an alien that landed from another planet and how im mogged by everyone.
uvu~
>>43149836That's understandable. I've no issue with you not wanting to talk to me or you ghosting me, although I won't lie that I'm kinda annoyed that you aren't plainly telling me what's bothering you so much
>>43148546Are you happy most of the time
>>43150076That's because you judge yourself by impossible/unachievable standards.I judge myself by failed males' standards.I'm more attractive than 3 years ago (even if only slightly), I finally found love, I am no longer an incel, I found a better paid job (even if only slightly better), and my social circle now has 7 people (excluding my bf) rather than zero. Not bad for a failed male.Yeah, my family doesn't like it but that's because they haven't accepted that I'm a failed male, not a real man. They'll get over it. Or not. Hardly my problem, desu.>hang out with tranniesYeah, I don't really do that. I hang out with men.I'm just glad that I'm attracted to men. It could've been worse. I have a fellow failed male friend who is into women. Poor fella is even harder to fix.
>>43150295i guess i also see myself the same way, when i started hrt i had literally no friends, now i have a bf and several friends, even if they arent irl friends. i just feel kinda sad that i had to go to these lengths just to have what a lot of people get for free, but this is what life is like when you are subhuman and incel
>>43148270upside: you get to live authenticallydownside: it takes fucking years of hormones and surgeries for most people to feel whole but it's worth it in the end
>>43150390I don't know what's my authentic self anymore
>>43150405thats part of the journey friend
>>43150331>even if they arent irl friendsTime to correct that. I'm not joking at all. IRL is the only thing that matters. None of this online shit is real. NONE of it.>i just feel kinda sad that i had to go to these lengths just to have what a lot of people get for freeThey don't get it for free either. It's just that the cost is smaller for them. But that's also not quite relevant. The time spent seething and in resentment is better spent on how to manage yourself. Or sleeping. Or taking a walk.Just because we can't have 100% of what we want, that doesn't mean 0% is acceptable.I'll never be a real man. But I'm loved by one and bringing him peace keeps me going. Iwnbaw but I'll be damned if I won't strive to be the most feminine flamer bottom perv for my man. There's fun in that too.Realism helps a lot, anon. Get better, unironically. I know you can.
>>43150121well, in truth, i feel envious of you, and being your friend only reminded me of what i lack, and in all likelihood, can never have. it also makes irritates me a fair bit because you don’t seem to realize just what you have >.>>tldr:M O G S O OG GS SM EE E
>>43150532easier said than done, and by not irl i mean i have met them but i cant really see them regularly. i live in the middle of nowhere and i would never be able to afford to move so.
>>43150540I'm pretty surprised that there isn't more to it. I may superficially have enviable traits, but if you'd get to know me better, you'd quickly realize both that they're all wasted on me, and that I'm a exceedingly pathetic and despicable person. Your hate is not misplaced
>>43150720>easier said than doneYes, but you don't even try. You literally set yourself up for failure mentally. Stop doing that. Stop being your own worst enemy.>i would never be able to afford to moveAnon, there's trannies who moved from dumbfuck nowhere, Syria to Berlin, Germany. On foot too.Sorry but I straight up don't believe you. You will be able to afford to move if you actually try. It may take you a year, two, maybe three, but if you're disciplined and actually try for a change rather than assume it's impossible, you will be able to do it.People poorer than you and stupider than you move hundreds and thousands of kilometers every day. You can do it too.
>>43150776anon i cant even get a job in my own country, how am i supposed to move to another countryyou dont have to believe me, im already very used to normies being stunlocked by the idea that someone would find life difficult.
>>43150776also "afford to move" its not about being able to afford it, they arent going to let me into the country. im not a syrian war refugee. its extremely hard to immigrate
>>43150746if we’re being real i also dislike that you play with others but not with me
>>43149145feel quite the same. when i was a child, a neighbor girl told me that birthmarks show how you died in your past life, & afterwards i’d touch the birthmark on my neck & think about how i must’ve been executed for something. i must’ve done something so unforgivable that i have to atone for it with more than just my first death, & that’s why i was made without a human heart, it’s why i can’t feel close to anyone. perhaps i killed someone i loved, someone dear to me, & so i can’t love or be loved anymore? i’m trying to not be so mean to myself lately, but i still wonder how i can become a girl when i’m not even a human being in the first place
>>43152401i have a birthmark on my asscheek how was i killed
>>43152436prob got a hot poker shoved up your ass for being a fag like that one german prince
>>43151637I actually haven't played anything with anyone else
>>43148270knowing there was a series of decisions i could've taken at a young age that would've led to me now being a 9/10, fembrained, fem-socialized, gigapassoid youngshit, makes me wish i never discovered what trooning out was, and just lived as an awkward girly fag.
>>43152886i hate you>:((
>>43152912You are only hurting yourself at this point
>>43152401>but i still wonder how i can become a girl when i’m not even a human being in the first placeI ask myself the same thing every day, never being able to find an answer. Having any hope feels like the most naive and foolish thing I can do atp
>>43148270stop repping?
>>43154028I am currently on hrt and slowly working on transitioning, but actually trying to change makes everything that can't be changed exponentially more painful
>>43154002most of the time, it feels like i don’t have a body or a heart, like i’m some kind of un-being, but i become painfully aware of both when i get a bad dysphoric episode. perhaps the suffering makes it real & gives me value, idk, but it’s definitely going to kill me one way or the other if i don’t do something. i’m pretty confused about it all, but i really, really want to be happy for once, even if it’s just for a little bit, i don’t need much
>>43148638> i had to look at all the other people who had it better and envy them and it lead me down the path to self destructive neurosis. its not complicated, im just an ugly loser male. there are millions like me and they dont start shooting up estrogen. Im pathetic.>> 43148778> I couldnt internalize that everything that I saw people having that I didnt have was just because they were born that way. I had to convince myself that no, what I am experiencing is "dysphoria" and it is medically treatable. and it just isnt.>>43149145> Can't help but feel like I wasn't made to be human, nor alive really.>>43150405> I don't know what's my authentic self anymore>>43152401> i still wonder how i can become a girl when i’m not even a human being in the first place>>43154874> most of the time, it feels like i don’t have a body or a heart, like i’m some kind of un-beingThese are all extremely relatable. Feeling like this makes me confused as to why the fuck i even bothered to take E/keep taking it when im not even sure what i want and barely feel alive/human still. I was hoping E would alleviate that and make it clear what i want but it kinda hasn't.Ig ill still stick to it for now tho cuz sometimes it does make me happier with how i look. Eventho im also constantly anxious that itll turn out i made a massive mistake and actually hate having breasts for real or sth. But im kinda past the point of going back to a passing pre HRT chest without surgery already, so might as well first see if i like having tits ig, cuz i might.Largely i just feel like i did pre-E (ie barely human/constantly slightly off/unsure of what i am or want out of life) except now also anxious im making a big mistake by taking it, but also interrupted by periods where im very happy with how i look and the HRT effects, its weird.I really badly wanted to be one of those trans girls that has a glow up on E and starts feeling alive for the first time. But it hasnt really happened yet :C
>>43152960i know and i hate myself for it because i know you couldn’t give less of a shit no matter what i do.i liked you a whole lot when we started talking. maybe a bit too much, and that’s one of the reasons i ghosted you sm times because i know nothing was going to come out of me being friends with you other than disappointment and anxiety.i wish i never met you
>>43150425im not who you replied to but still:i really badly hope thats true. the thing im the most afraid of is having to constantly keep living and make decisions (like transing/not transing taking E/not taking E etc) while never being sure if im making progress towards a life id enjoy or if im ruining my body and life due to some random delusion i picked up years ago...like, at least if i realize im cis for sure i could detrans with confidence. or if i realize im trans for sure i could troon out with confidence. eventho both of those things are fucking hard and extremely emberrasing.but never being sure, and still having to decide daily whether i age on T or E without any idea of whats right. that feels exponentially worse and i hate that ive been stuck like this for the past 3 months and potentially for the rest of my life...
