We might be able to pass one day, We might be able to hold a stable job, we might even be able to make our loved ones proud,But how do we cope with being raised suicidal, we've gone sober, we've kept a job, we've moved out and pursued a healthy relationship, now what? Self actualization is ambiguous and never ending. Material things are fickle and pointless.How do you cope with simply being unhappy trying to bother?We have friends who love us, hobbies to pursue. Reasons to go outside and a self perception that, at times, we're happy with.What now? Even drawing feels, stupid.None of this feels real or worth it.
I've been thinking about suicide since I was 11. I do not recall any previous trauma that would make me think that, I barely recall my childhood, so it's all I've really known. I have friends, I have a succesful academic career (for now), I am not poor. I've kind of accepted I will be suicidal my whole life.I cannot actually kill myself because I already see myself as a murderer. I murdered my mother's son and her grandchildren, what kind of monster would I be if I also murdered the creature that forced herself upon her as her daughter? I've decided I will live for the sake of others. It is not atonement, I just see it as the least i could do for putting everyone else through this with me.
>>43152702It gives us more fuel to have ourself because one of us sees it as weak, but we'll never kill ourself because that would be selfish to the people that have chosen to love us despite it all. Our family, in shambles as they may have been, did their best in their own ways to give us a positive life, and we did nothing but forcefully squander it out of spite. Now our friends, our boyfriend, the people who love us still try more than we could ever deserve to give us the support to have a good life. And I truly believe we will have nothing to show for it, but it would be an even worse slap to their face to just, give up despite everything they've wasted on us.So instead we're stuck here, frozen, dreaming, barely coherent as we model ourselves towards someone elses ideal of what a good life should be while the only comfort we might have will come towards the end.
I killed someone in order to keep on living but now I feel like I have no right to live. I feel like I should have just died back when I was a child so none of this would have happened. Many kids get hit by trucks, get cancer, get mauled by dogs, eat toxic shit out of curiosity, but I didn't.
>>43152738So, what do you do to avoid it?Do you think it'll last?
What will last? My life? Yes, it will last many, many decades.
>>43152766No silly, the ability to avoid suicidal ideation. Do you avoid it?Is it just something that taints your life?Is it something you've been able to sweep under the rug?How have you forced yourself to, be, functional
>>43152778I just let it be. Idk. If in the moment my brain tells me ''you should jump in front of that bus'' I do not supress it, I just think about it until something new comes along my brain. If something makes me want to kill myself I just anounce to my friends ''I would not mind killing myself rn desu''. I live under the asumption I could die at any moment and so I don't want my death to be pathetic or sad. When I go out I want it to be fun or interesting for everybody else.
>>43152681What is all this we business?I love myself dearly and don’t want to die. You can become better too, you will find your way.
>>43152830>what's all this we businessplurality, not relevant.>I love myself dearly and don't want to die.I love myself too, at least, some of us do, and sometimes we can go months doing well. but, for, some, reason we always fall apart, and we always lose it, and it's just, more comfortable after a while to accept my fate. I love myself, and I have hope for what I could be, but some of us do nothing but convince us otherwise <~>idk, therapy is the answer, but, that's, temporary at best, we always fall back into logical nihilism.
>>43152990forgot trip mb
>>43152681wish I had a place of my own, a healthy relationship, social life, the ability to interact with those around me like a normal person, and that I wasn't a stone's throw away from 40
