I think it's time to give up on what hopes I had of socially transitioning. Talking to the female members of my family that are a similar age to me has made me realize that every woman I've ever been friends with have been friends with me because of their sexual attraction to me. Any woman not attracted to me will tolerate me at most. It doesn't really matter if we have anything in common or not. If I do, it just makes me seem weirder.Social transition is overrated anyway, I guess. I don't care much to fit in with any people that I meet. I am not interested in making any sort of relationship with anyone I come across, it kind of just happens to me when it does, but now I take measures to prevent even that.Is this manmoding? No, more like apathymoding. I don't go out of my way to present manliness. I don't go out of my way to present femininity. I think my most natural state is something like an androgyne, with a lean towards slightly masculine, but I think that masculinity is a symptom of social isolation. I felt more feminine when I had friends and lovers and such.There is no longer much in me that says I want to be a woman, but rather that I do not wish for the ugliness that is being and becoming (especially physically) male. What I wish for is to be beautiful, with slight femininity physically, and slight masculinity presentation wise. Of course, that is much easier said than done for someone who looks like me.Does any of this matter very much? After this long, not really. The strength of dysphoria seems to fade with time when you take people and unwanted masculinization out of the equation.
