Don't kill yourself, kill your heart and live for revenge.

Killing yourself is really difficult.

I have an old Remington 870 my grandpa gave me for graduation and I keep it in my closest with one shell next to it.

I've tried shooting myself multiple times whenever I have a horrible breakdown, but I can never even man up enough to point the barrel in my mouth.

If anyone has any suggestions to help me kill myself I'd be grateful.

>>43191797
This is my moment retard go somewhere else

>>43191633
Don't you have a bucket list of things you wanna experience before it all goes dark forever?

>>43191797
Please don't do that to the people around you. It's awful for everyone even if you don't think they're close enough to you to care. A lot people around you are struggling in the same exact way and it's hard for everyone to reach out. Things change so much + so fast and irrational to think that you're going to feel that way forever, you won't. Keep distracting yourself from the moment and don't dwell on the bad feelings. It may feel good to punish yourself but you don't deserve that, treat yourself better.

>>43191633
I care about you anonette. Be safe

>>43191990
Not really, I'm sort of permanantly locked in a state of "whenever things get better they get worse", whenever anything nice happens to me it immediatly crumbles, like yeah i'd love to have a partner, be able to work, be able to have a social life but im cucked. So i repeat my first point. I wont be alive to care about this things I never did

>>43192049
Doesn't really do anything for me does it

>>43191633
Well are you really ugly? enough that it warrants suicide?
Did your family disown you?
What happened in your childhood?
Just trying to find out what things warrant someone to kill themselves.

>>43191633
u should call a hotline friend

>>43191633
you should stay alive and come out with me

>>43192369
It's more being alone then me being chopped, Not really but my mom has mental issues so I cant really have a close relation with her and the rest of the family supports her shit. Lot of bullying, zero isolation, hella groomed.

>>43192400
>Friend
Lol, lmao even!

>>43192434
Okay but we have to kiss on the first date otherwise ill throw up and make you pay for the bill

>>43192577
>It's more being alone then me being chopped
wait so if you're not really ugly you have a chance

>Lot of bullying
childhood i assume, was it because people knew you were trans or were you just easy to make fun of?

>zero isolation
do you mean the opposite of full isolation? (cuz youre lonely)

>hella groomed
what. did a family member touch you? damn, I think you have other issues than being trans that are affecting your mental wellbeing

>>43192637
>wait so if you're not really ugly you have a chance
you still have a chance even if you're ugly, I worded that badly.

>>43192637
Sorry yeah lol youre right i meant full isolation.
I think im average in looks in full honesty. I think it's just that I am surrounded and see people who are so far ahead of me in every ability that for me its like, okay, i'll always be behind and worse then my peers.

Uh nah i was a really weird kid throughout my childhood, i also grew up in a rough area but having some kind of autism and just in general liking weird things didnt help, I'd get jumped nearly every day by various different people and whenever I made a friend or got close to people they would inexplicably, without warning turn on me, beat tf out of me or whatever else and I was never sure why. I mean i wasnt racist, sexist, transphobic, nobody knew i was trans, we would hang out and i'd be like yeah i like the new god of war game then wham im face down on the ground with a fist to my head.

nah i never had a family member touch me, just got groomed into nudes at a very young age and that gave me a severe porn addiction, though my mom did mock me for it and would do weird shit like one time she showed me a video of someone getting bottom surgery while laughing...dunno

I definetly have other shit going on but nobody's been able to figure me out, iv been in and out of psychologists, therapists, hospitals my entire life, cant count how many suicide attempts iv made and i just got out of a ward for it a week ago, but like yk whatever

>>43192673
My last therapists said i had uhh, severe depression and anxiety with recurrent psychotic episodes, and impulsivities (i spent 200 dollars on an art commision, then like two weeks later i was in a bad mood and blew up on the poor guy, didnt end up getting it cuz i blocked em)

>>43192673
>... I think it's just that I am surrounded and see people who are so far ahead of me in every ability that for me its like, okay, i'll always be behind and worse then my peers.

Anonette(assuing youre mtf, forgive me if not), comparison is the thief of joy (sorry if too corny). But seriously just doing 1 little thing every day as practice to get better at what you want is enough, do it enough times and in no time you'll be a master at whatever you want!

But also I thought you said you have no friends? do you have peers you can hang out with?

>I'd get jumped nearly every day ... and whenever I made a friend or got close to people they would inexplicably, without warning turn on me ... beat tf out of me or whatever else and I was never sure why. I mean i wasnt racist, sexist, transphobic, nobody knew i was trans, we would hang out and i'd be like yeah i like the new god of war game then wham im face down on the ground with a fist to my head.
Ok, yeah I don't know either, but since you said you grew up in a rough area ima assume that most people are dickheads and its not really your fault. Don't really blame yourself for others actions, if you are sure that you did not do anything to offend them then they were just mean to a kid. I mean when I was a kid I had this one friend who moved out who was kinda of a dickhead to me and made me cry, luckily he moved away and I found better people to be around.

>just got groomed into nudes at a very young age and that gave me a severe porn addiction,
damn, sorry about the nudes thing (did the person groomed you face justice?). did you beat your porn addiction? I mean I kinda currently have one myself, but thats probably because im just sad (currently trying to nofap i guess).

Part 1 (too long)

>>43192832
>But seriously just doing 1 little thing every day as practice to get better at what you want is enough

BAHHHH, I'm so sick of the waiting, thats whats killing me, "You'll get it eventually" Is it to much to ask for a friend now? Its so unfair i have to work and wait and wait just for someone to play games with now and then or whatever,,,,like everyone else has that and to me its like yeah nah fuck you

>>43192855
Tbf the only way i can meet people is discord so that kinda makes sense why im so fucked XD

>>43192673
>though my mom did mock me for it and would do weird shit like one time she showed me a video of someone getting bottom surgery while laughing...dunno

sorry about your mom's mental health issues, I hope the bottom surgery video didn't mess you up permanently.

>I definetly have other shit going on but nobody's been able to figure me out
really? no diagnosis? I think youre depressed from how you sound and also the fact that you got groomed is no easy thing to just forget and move on.

>iv been in and out of psychologists, therapists, hospitals my entire life
sorry.
>cant count how many suicide attempts iv made
so this is not the first time youve tried to kill yourselve huh, did you have any people to support you after you tried?

>i just got out of a ward for it a week ago, but like yk whatever
youre treating this kinda lightly for it being serious. I am no professional doctor but does talking to people help? (like youre doing rn)

>>43192701
>severe depression and anxiety with recurrent psychotic episodes, and impulsivities
yeah i guessed that. But did they not prescribe you any medicine? If you have all those things surely you have meds right?

For me the thing that keeps me going on in life is that I wanna see the end of what I achieve, maybe right now I am just sad and lonely and unemployed yet I still hope to achieve more, and that is what I work towards. Slowly step by step.

Do you have friends that u can talk to? is ur family relationships good?

>>43192855
il come back later, gotta go take a bath.

>>43192889
> I hope the bottom surgery video didn't mess you up permanently.
Thats when I realized there was no long term relationship with here, which was a good wake up call to realize not everyone is honest and genuine and has your best interest.

>really? no diagnosis? I think youre depressed from how you sound and also the fact that you got groomed is no easy thing to just forget and move on.
That was my only diagnosis, the last time i went somewhere they said maybe depression maybe autism

>youre treating this kinda lightly for it being serious. I am no professional doctor but does talking to people help? (like youre doing rn)
I'm a very social person despite how things go, one of my joys is talking to people, so I never feel weird about sharing things

>But did they not prescribe you any medicine?
They did but after i left they stopped prescribing it, and my hrt clinic took me from 6mg of e to 2mg because they refused to supply me for an extra week and said oh yeah since youve been a week without your def not gonna be able to handle your original dose. (even though my e levels never got below a low e male after being on them for awhile)

>Do you have friends that u can talk to?
XD no bruh I havent had any friends since like middle school. I mean I hang out on discord very often but I often end up getting banned from places often cause yk its discord theres constant drama.

> is ur family relationships good?
Nah I dont talk to any of my family anymore and even if i did theyre all super busy or, like with my mom so out of their minds that Ill say the most insane shit infront of them and they wont even process it

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>>43192910
Scrub a dub dub, washing in the tub

>>43192049
selfish to say this. honestly we should line up people like you against a wall and beat them to death with a sturdy firepoker.

>>43192983
Why is that selfish? Curious

>>43192942
I switched from my pc to my phone, to tell you that its 10pm so i gotta sleep, i hope thread doesnt get deleted. Anyway dont kys OP you have so much to live for and always look forward!

Idk how to prove that im the og anon.

>>43193340
I believe you, see in the next life or some shit