I'm genuinely too retarded to figure out whether I'm dysphoric.Do I wish I were a woman? I don't know. I don't see why I should want it nor why I shouldn't want it.Do I hate looking like a man? I don't know. I don't know what it means to feel anything towards myself except cold indifference.Do I feel like I don't belong in my body? I don't know. What does that even mean?Do I feel like my external appearance doesn't reflect my internal identity? I don't know. I can't even say that I have an internal identity.Do I feel like I'm actively living? At least I know this. I don't and have never felt like my life is mine.What's also important to add is the fact that I've tried basically everything except fully socially transitioning. I'm currently on hrt and feel no different at all. I've tried women's clothes, and felt nothing. I've let people gender me female in a safe space, and felt nothing.I guess I can't even really wrap my mind around how it's possible to feel any different. I don't understand how other people are capable of feeling human and alive. I don't understand what it means to have a self
>>43354043this pic made me laugh out loud i have no idea why
>>43354044Nah, I get it. I think it's pretty funny too
>>43354043Age?Interests?(these don't have to be rhings you do every day)Have you ever been to a therapist?It seems like you have some issues with your sense of self. There's also an issue where you don't really understand your own motivations and feelings, and it would take someone getting to know you and making yourself very vulnerable to be able to help you unpack that, text on 4chan won't cut it. Which I think is a good reason to go to therapy if you actually want to make progress on the list of emotional difficulties you yourself listed.
>>43354043hey isnt that that horse from horsin' around?
>>43354082>Age? 22>Interests?Games, photography, music, art. All of them are ways to kill time though, as I feel nothing actually engaging with them. >Have you ever been to a therapist?Yeah, I'm recently just started seeing one, and we're still getting to know each other and slowly unravelling all of this. Don't think it that telling her everything I typed out in this post would be very productive without laying down the groundwork
>>43354043sitting in a room alone all day is what's making you numb
>>43354043How much time do you spend introspecting?Maybe you do know what it feels like to do certain things and look a certain way, but the feeling isn't the way you expected it due to other peoples reactions and expressions of it.I've had a lot of moments in my life where i realized "oh, this is it" and that other people either pretend its greater/worse than it is or are just more sensitive with the external world.The only thing i know for real that i want is something that's unachievable and that's eternal youth and immortality, despite not feeling much or anything from my daily life i'd much rather kill time forever than not.
>>43354419>How much time do you spend introspecting?I don't think there's ever any time where I don't tbqh. It's like I have this part of myself that's constantly analyzing and introspecting everything I and others do, and it has no off switch>I've had a lot of moments in my life where i realized "oh, this is it"Me too, although they've only ever been me realizing that something which is supposed to stir up some emotions just doesn't. I know I've lived through many different experiences which would've made the average person feel at least something, while I couldn't even change my blank expression to any extent
>>43354318true...
>>43354834My suggestion would be one of two things.A) Accept this is the way your life is going to be, try to find like minded people with these experiences as you and kill time with your hobbies until time is read to kill you.B) If you refuse A, then the only thing left would be for you to start faking everything.Pretend to act how other people do to something, act like how somebody would to getting a surprise gift, how a person would react to getting an idea for a good photograph.Fake fake fake, live this life of a lie to the best extent you can if you wish for a different life, then you have a chance of having a mere sembelance and possibly understanding of how other people feel.Many years of constantly doing this, you've fed your mind this type of treatment, it might just in a small chance change to you actually able to feel and understand yourself.
>>43355733I'm currently trying to avoid option A as much as I can, despite it feeling inevitable. I cannot envision a future not branded by constant disappointment
>>43354043take your HRT, retard
>>43358142s/he literally said he is...
>>43358142Can you please elaborate
>>43355733So it's either kill myself or kill my self? Neat.
>>43354043You sound schizoid
>>43354043have you ever been in a fight or do you just ape the life of a sensitive soul.
>>43360779Do I really need to have battle scars in order to be edgy on the internet?
>>43354043I cant help you too much OP, i just wanted to say i feel similar-ish. Like not being able to answer stuff like if i wish i was a woman or if i hate looking like a man (despite also being on HRT).Altho im different in that sometimes i do care and know. So its mostly that sometimes i do wish i was a woman or hate being a/looking like man (or at least think i do).Same with HRT a lot of the time idk why im doing this, but then sometimes it can make me happy with the changes and its a constant back and forth.I also heavily relate to >>43354834 in that i also almost constantly introspect. So the fact that sometimes i seem kinda trans and a lot of the other times idk makes me extremely anxious cuz i ruminate about it all the time lol.I do have a question for OP too tho: If you are unsure about everything, why did you start hrt/start considering you might be trans?(im not trying to tell u u arent or anything, im just interested cuz im similar. If anything i think that, despite being so unsure about everything, you gravitating towards considering being trans might just mean u are trans. Since it seems there has to be something driving you at least)
