>>43400921
It helps sure but it won’t just fix everything else what else is happening in your life that could be causing you distress?

>>43400921
Probably some other shit I guess you should really stop dooming

One month of HRT caused me to only need 6 hours of sleep a day, like I got one of those Sims perks for achieving your lifetime ambitions

>>43400921
did you have any noticeable positive changes ?
i feel like i had placebo mental relief instantly and then i slowly returned to the mean over the next few years

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>>43400921
>sonatine, kitano, very nice. let's see paul allen's beat takeshi reference
have you had your levels checked recently?

>>43400931
>what else is happening in your life that could be causing you distress?
Haha, nope
I have everything I could ever ask for, and definitely far more than I can want
I have a loving family and loving friends. I don't know what it means to love
I have a roof over my head and no financial worries. I haven't worked a single honest day in my life
I live in a very good location and have access to everything I could ever need. I barely leave the house and strive towards nothing
People tell me that I'm smart and have a ton of potential. I can barely tolerate existing as myself
I'm not human. I'm a parasite. I'm a monster
It's so clear to me now. I deserve all the pain coming my way evermore

>>43400963
>have you had your levels checked recently?
I haven't

>>43401039
i think you should. this is totally anecdotal, but i felt a lot like what you're describing. depression, unshakeable insomnia, i also had weird hot flashes and bouts of anxiety. turns out my e was at like 1,400 pg/mL (10x higher than what it should be [don't trust planned parenthood lol])

>>43401034
Need to get out of the house get your levels checked and stop caring so much about what other people say also get therapy i don’t care if you don’t think it works it’s better than just sitting in a stupor for years expecting shit to get better or yk just abuse drugs and alcohol whatever works i guess

>>43400949
>did you have any noticeable positive changes ?
Nope. Everything is only going downhill ever since I started.
I have gotten all the changes from hrt that are to be expected in the time I took it, and I'm only feeling more and more disgusting, depraved, degenerate
I wish I could like them even the tiniest bit, but they all just reminded me that there's no room for love in my vacuous heart

>>43401060
I know you are right, but I can barely muster the willpower to get out of bed anymore.
It feels physically impossible for me to not let myself rot
To be frank, I don't want to do anything, ever
I really wish I never existed

>>43401056
Did you feel better after adjusting your levels?

>>43401343
yes!!! i'm a human being again. i can sleep and function and live my life. cisf range is 100-200 pg/mL. idk how that works with monotherapy (i took antiandrogens) but even on mono i feel like your e shouldn't be going above 400 pg/mL (i'm not an endo tho, just a tranny)

>>43401364
I'm genuinely happy for you and glad that you're feeling better with the right levels
Although at this point I neither want to get my hopes up, nor believe anymore that it's possible for me to feel any better

>>43400921
cant relate. just stop? in what ways does it make you feel worse?

im like halfway in the camp of "it doesnt do anything" except mental, which is clearly false by my chest but even if it were id stick with it for the antidepression

>>43400949
>i feel like i had placebo mental relief instantly and then i slowly returned to the mean
kinda feeling like that but everyone is nicer to me and goes out of their way to talk to me? its very strange because i didnt talk to anyone at all at the places i go for over a year and suddenly everyone started being friendly even tho im just as awkward as always.

>>43400921
you are injecting too much probably. 4mg is often enough, 5 is being extra safe
You are probably making yourself extra emotional while goong through tough times

>>43400921
Cause it's not supposed to feel euphoric?
The first year of HRT is a black hole. Breakdown after six months? To be expected.
You are experiencing the complete dissolution of your (outward) identity.
If you imagine yourself as a puzzle that could never be finished, someone just jumbled up everything, dropped a bunch of new pieces on the table and took other ones away.
You're experiencing this because all the former 'progress' you made has been reversed, yet that progress never mattered. What's different now is that the puzzle has become solveable and you will solve it.
Stay strong, think, work through things, one day at a time. There is no pause button, close your eyes, FEEL(!!) and things will improve for you mentally. This is all you have to do.

>>43402394
>cant relate. just stop?
To be honest, I really should
The fact that it's making me feel worse should be enough proof that it's not for me
I always was and always will be a man
I never was even the slightest bit feminine, and it's so obvious that I will only feel "normal" being a man
I'm afraid of the changes hrt will bring. I'm afraid of having a more feminine body
I'm especially afraid of being seen as woman
I already am a liar and a backstabber. I couldn't bear lying to everyone, including myself, about who I actually am
Despite that, I still hesitate to stop
I only feel despair and despondency at the thought of living my life as a man
I simply cannot imagine ever feeling anything as a man
Although, it's plainly clear that being a man isn't the issue here. Only that I want to remain in denial of it
It's plainly clear I will never feel anything no matter what

>in what ways does it make you feel worse?
Not only am I an emotional wreck right now, but I also feel much worse physically
I have no energy at all and oftentimes need 12+ hours of sleep only to feel even more tired
Everything I do feels like a monumental task and I can barely focus on anything for more than a minute
I just constantly feel sick to my stomach because of it all
I'm so disgusted by my own actions, and I'm especially disgusted by myself
I can barely tolerate my own existence. It's something I loath more than anything

>>43402493
I'll try lowering my dose then while gathering the willpower to look into getting my levels checked

>>43402898
You are suffering from severe gender dypshoria and this whole iwnbaw drivel just drives that point home.
Take your HRT

>>43403063
I have such a hard time believing that I'm actually experiencing any gender dysphoria at all
I still can barely wrap my head around what it's even supposed to feel like
Being a man just feels normal to me, as it's all I've ever known
Trying to be someone I'm not and never will be is where all the pain is coming from. I mean, it must be
That doesn't change the fact that I won't stop defacing myself further by taking hrt

>>43402532
>Cause it's not supposed to feel euphoric?
I never expected it to be euphoric. I can not believe such emotions even exist
I just hoped for even the slightest ray of light, so I could've know that I'm actually trapped in a tunnel, instead of a grave deep below the earth

>You are experiencing the complete dissolution of your (outward) identity
That's true, although my "outward" identity is all I've ever had
There never was anything underneath all of my masks
Everything I have ever done was only ever a charade to fool everybody else into believing that I am one of them
Most importantly though, it was all facade for myself
Just so I wouldn't have to face the truth that I never was human to begin with

>What's different now is that the puzzle has become solveable and you will solve it
I'm sorry, but I don't buy it. I'm sure that's the case for trans people, but that's not who I am
There is no solution to my "puzzle". There never was a "puzzle"

just rope at this point

>>43404713
You don't need to convince me

>>43400921
Estrogen and melatonin interact. Estrogen dropping(which happens constantly in hrt) can distrupt melatonin levels. Take melatonin at night.

Additionally, taking an antihistamine with the melatonin helps. It doesn't have to be a drowsy antihistamine. Histamine interferes with melatonin secretion. If you take an antihistamine melatonin works better.

>>43406008
I'll give that a try in hopes that my sleep will improve, but it unfortunately won't fix any of the other issues
Not like I'm expecting it to. It's up to me to fix them after all. Although it would be nice if I could just catch a break from it all

>>43400921
You're a man.

>>43402898
idk that all sounds like regular depression how do you know its the hrt? did it only start when you started or have you felt like that before?

>>43400921
Maybe youre not trans and just bpd

>>43406712
Another good reason to kms

>>43408781
I assume it's the hrt, cause the way I feel has only gotten progressively worse ever since I started

>>43402394
>kinda feeling like that but everyone is nicer to me and goes out of their way to talk to me? its very strange because i didnt talk to anyone at all at the places i go for over a year and suddenly everyone started being friendly even tho im just as awkward as always.
holy shit i thought i was going crazy, ive had the same experience

>>43400921
Uhm maybe you are at a point where a big change is needed. hrt is a big change but once the problem becomes more manageable it might not be needed. it's always darkest before the light etc. Maybe you need to break current circumstances for a better way to live hrt might not be right it's fine.

>>43408807
I actually got assessed by a psychiatrist, and they completely ruled out the possibility that I have BPD
I do trust their assessment, but my trust does sometimes waver

>>43410318
I definitely am at such a point, and while estrogen is certainly not right for me, I won't stop it now.
If anything, I want my "big change" to be a negative one. I think that's all I deserve

>>43400921
no blockers?

>>43411027
I was cypro at the when I started taking hrt. I felt the same way

>>43411684
cypro tends to cause depression so if you quit recently you might just have to wait it out

>>43411738
I quit almost a year ago. I also quit hrt then, but I started taking it again as monotherapy

>>43411762
why did you quit and then resume e,

>>43411929
I quit because I felt horrible. After I quit, I kept feeling horrible, so I thought I might give it another try for a longer while. Now I feel even worse

>>43401034
Get a j*b

>>43412225
damn, will you quit again?
e makes me feel better but im going to quit again because it makes me look like a boymoder (visibly genderfucked) and i cant deal with this anymore

>>43412278
I should, but I don't think I will. At this point I just want it all to get worse

>>43412714
maybe bcs when it gets worse it feels like a success to survive it or if you want things to get better and it gets worse it feels worse