>>43401181
I didn't really know how to answer it in a way that felt honest. I loved her as the mother of my children. I loved her as one of my closest friends and confidants. But in truth, I did not love her sexually or romantically. and pretending to has worn a hole in my soul. So, I said that I loved her, but not romantically. It felt deeply cruel to say in the moment, but lying would have been worse. She, of course, broke down at my answer. Called me names and threw things at me as she lamented ever having met me. Can't say I blame her. Honestly, the fact that she didn't try to murder me is a testament to her restraint.

I left and just started driving aimlessly, not really knowing what to do. After a few hours, she called me, still clearly upset, but with a lot less shouting and screaming. She told me she was taking the girls to her sister's house for a few days while she tried to figure out the future. I told her she could stay at our house if she wanted, and that I'd be okay with staying at a motel for the time being. She said that she would rather not stay in a place that reminded her of me.

So right now I'm sitting alone in my empty house, wondering what the fuck I'm going to do now. Part of me wants to just call up Mikey, whine about all my problems, and beg him to come rail me until I forget everything about my life. But I look like shit, and I feel even worse. I am not the soft, smooth, skinny-ass twink I was in my early 20s. Honestly, I'm just thankful that I have a full head of hair still. Current plans are to sleep for 11 eternities and then start going to the gym or something to see if I can do some twink necromancy as I try to reach some kind of amicable divorce.

It's weird. I have no idea if I've just fucked up my life irrepreably or if I've saved it.

>>43401191
>I have no idea if I've just fucked up my life irrepreably or if I've saved it.
You've saved your life, although things might not feel like it for quite some time. But in the long run, you've saved it.
Go and sleep on it. You're going to feel better in the morning.

>>43401191
the fact that you're 37-year-old man who likes tadc should have been your wife's first clue that you were a turbo faggot

Well you did some severe damage to three people's lives due to your extreme homophobia that you internalised, so. I sincerely wish that however your future life turns out it will be commesurate to how you've treated others.

>>43401181
How could you be married to someone for 10 years without being attracted to them?

>>43401250
tadc is peak, regardless of my alleged faggotry.

>>43401264
I genuinely thought that if I tried hard enough, I could love her. I thought the gay shit was just a phase or something. idk, I guess I just thought of "gayness" as an action. something you do, rather than something you are. Idk, maybe I'm just mega retarded or something, but I genuinely thought I could just choose to be straight.

>>43401181
damn dude, that’s a heavy situation. I think you made the right choice though- you’d probably end up in this position in the future if you just tried to keep your head down and make the marriage work. At least you’re still young enough to fool around and meet a guy you like. Good for you for having the hard conversation and ripping the bandaid off.

GL to you and your family. Hope you land on your feet, and that your wife and kids are okay too <3

>>43401287
Viagra and a background in theater.

>>43401325
i'm gonna try to do right by them, as best i can.

>spreading the gay gene
thank you for your service, king.

>>43401319
brvtal this is the most common view of your generation though (and many of every generation). everyone who says gay is a choice is partially responsible for the outcome of your life. because they then imply that you can choose against it, and that choosing it is the wrong choice. you tried to make the best choice you could. im a lot younger than you and never had a gf but i had a comphet phase with fwbs and hookups and i can relate with you. im sure many gays can. and i believe you when you say you feel a hard to define love for your wife/ex and kids. if you didnt none of this would have been possible. but it doesnt mean it was right or ideal, its just the power of love. maybe that can help your wife, idk, but if she knew your love for her transcended romance/sexuality but that it wasnt everlasting, maybe, doubt she wants to hear anything like that from you though, as its over, all you can do is hang onto that love to show it to your children now, since you brought them into this world with it.

I commented in the last thread, >>43398594
It will take a while, don't try to rush it, but you'll figure out life again. A new one, a better one. Good things come to those who wait, ha, and work for it. Do not push yourself, though.
Stay around with your children, too, if you can. Even if it be hard, please try to! You do really seem like a well-meaning person and I am sure your kids could learn from you. I'd go on but I don't want to make a long disneyass post, TLDR Take your time and do what is right o\\ Sleep well tonight

>>43401380
I'm going to try to be a good dad to them. I just hope I can get my shit together before either of them gain sentience.

Good luck

>>43401181
okay but why a jax picrl for both posts lmao?

>>43401530
i feel a deep lust toward the rabbit.

>>43401493
Good luck
good work doing it before they would remember the divorce trauma. the fact you're worried about them and trying to be good instead of resentful about the world making you pretend to be straight shows you are a good person. its never too late to take care of yourself and be comfortable in your body and find love so the gym and twink necromancy idea sounds like a good plan. just be careful with the Mikey thing. lets say you start talking with him and then that falls apart and then you're left with feeling like you have nothing. you don't want to go there so keep your options open, be careful with tunnelvision

>>43401191
>twink necromancy
Estradiol is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.

>>43401181
nothingburger i regret reading it

>>43401191
>Part of me wants to just call up Mikey and beg him to come rail
This is the plot of The Whale, btw. You made the right choice, even if it would've been better made five years ago. You would've snapped eventually. As long as you remain in your kids' lives in some capacity as a positive role model, wife willing, they won't resentfully remember you as a faggot who walked out on them, like Charlie. I'm sorry you thought you could psyop yourself into heterosexuality. You're not the first to try.

>>43401181
you're a horribly selfish person, is dick really that important? just get your wife to peg you. it's not worth wrecking a family and traumatising your wife. she'll probably never trust a man again.

>>43401771
being pegged really hard would probably fix most of my gay fantasies

>>43401771
t. transbian

>>43401771
Your criticism of me is valid; the solution offered is fucking ridiculous. Like, idk how to break this to you, but sex was like. 4th place on my list of issues. Believe me, if this were something that could have been avoided by me getting my hole filled, the dildo I keep in a shoebox in my closet would have solved everything. The only thing that would have kept our marriage together was me being straight or her transitioning to male. Or some weird ass lavender marriage thing; idk. But suggesting pegging as a solution is like if you saw a sinking ship and were like, "Oh, but wood floats, dumbass!" Like, yeah. No shit. Not helpful. As for the kids, they deserve to be raised by a father who isn't perpetually one minor annoyance away from pulling a Chris Benoit.

>>43401902
>As for the kids, they deserve to be raised by a father who isn't perpetually one minor annoyance away from pulling a Chris Benoit.
waohh get help op

>>43401181
this is some quality drama OP I'd watch the shit out of this if it was a film

>>43402019
sarcasm. Id never hurt my wife or my kids. If i ever actually got pushed to the brink, I'd probably just call up Mikey and listen to his voice as the exhaust fumes filled the car.

Just call your fag friend OP
What are you doing here answering these questions
FOLLOW YOUR HEART
you already did the hard part
he's thinking about you too

>>43402179
god that would be cool. i don't wanna get my hopes up too much though. I'll call him tomorrow. I'm just worried he might not even remember me. i mean, we were friends since highschool, but hes always had a lot of friends.

>>43402279
call him NOW

>>43402284
ive literally been awake for like, 32 hours

>>43402313
ya okay then maybe not
I mean I'd do it in your position, because your brain is let loose right now, it speaks the truth, it's dropped the filters, but I'm also crazy.
Make a plan for what you're gonna do if he isn't reciprocating your affection. No one-itis.

>>43402313
Uh yeah you should get some sleep OP. Give your old boo a call sometime, but I wouldn’t go into it with any expectations. It’d probably be nice to reconnect, but I’m guessing the next year or so is gonna be about you rebuilding your life and then eventually meeting someone new.

>>43401319
You dumb fuck

>>43401181
I teared up at a 4chan post holy shit.
>I'm just thankful that I have a full head of hair still
Okay then it might not be over. If you wanna be a twink you kinda have to start estrogen and get on a diet. Maybe keep in contact with him on the phone (so you can keep track of his dating life, thus making sure hes available so you MIGHT actually have a chance) until you think you look better? But yeah, get some sleep and then think about what you might say to your friend. Don't rush it.

>>43401181
Damn, sorry to hear about all this OP. Ignore >>43401264, >>43401380 as they are certified gincel posts and that guy is legitimately an unhinged closeted Hungarian who posts the exact same screeds in every thread 24 hours a day.

It sounds like you're dealing with the whole situation as best you can. I hope the best for you and your family...your wife will likely continue to take out her frustrations on you and will be as petty and cruel and hateful as she can, but your best bet for the happiness of your kids is to ignore it and continue showing your light through positivity to the young ones. Wish I could give you a hug. Just be happy with the knowledge that the previous suffering will not be held over you any longer. And yeah give it a week and a couple nights sleep before hitting up your old flame

im a bad person and i enjoy watching other people suffering
your post made my day and im all giggly now so thanks for that anon muhehe u.u

>>43403135
how is what i wrote gincel?

>>43403284
Upon further review yeah you right. I just read something about how homophobia is the cause of X or Y and immediately ascribed it to gincel. I retract my accusation

>>43403040
if mikey's gay i dont think he would like op being on e very much

>>43403135
>your wife will likely continue to take out her frustrations on you and will be as petty and cruel and hateful as she can
God forbid this lady feels bad about being used as a dude's beard for ten years.

this is what christfags want for every gay man. they think it's good for us to go into marriages that will fail

>>43403135
I hope things work out for Op and his wife and kids, but his wife would be totally justified in never wanting to see him again. He's really wasted a lot of her time. I'm guessing he didn't tell her he was trying to "wish the gay away" when they met/got married/had kids together. He gambled that he might be able to be happy in a straight relationship, and it didn't work out. I'm guessing Op's wife wasn't aware that's what the deal was; she probably wouldn't have agreed to tie her fortune to his if she'd known what was going on with him.

Again I hope things work out for all parties involved. It's good Op didn't wait any longer to pull the plug on the marriage- they might both have a shot at partners they're actually suited to.

>>43401289
The fact that you’re retarded adds to the credibility of the story

>>43401181
Congrats, you've just irreparably altered the lives of your children for the worse. They will live the rest of their lives knowing that their flesh is imbued with the essence of a coward that pours out his desire to be creampied on 4chan.
You made the decision to not live authentically, and now you are going to shirk your duty to the beings you created. Its sickening.

I'd hang you by your ankles and gut you like a dog if the law permitted it. Kill yourself.

>>43403479
>God forbid this lady feels bad about being used as a dude's beard for ten years.
^this

>>43403729
yeah i notice with these kinds of things this take is always left out
whether its gay men coming out, aromantics/asexuals coming out or trans men/women coming out
the perspective of the "normie"(non-queer) is always left out and dismissed
if I get married to a guy and love the shit out of him for a decade and he turns to me and says hes gay after we're two children deep I would want him melting in the depths that very second
you wasted 10 years of this womans life, put your children through a divorce, and have the nerve to put this all out on the internet
Im sorry, and I say this someone who is bi and trans but OP is 100% the villain in this story
I have zero sympathy for stuff like this especially considering the original post was just him complaining in this kind of "ugh my bitch wife mannerisms are so annoying" well yeah of course they are cause you dont fw women and youve known this
Maybe its cause im too young to have been born in the christo-dont-ask-dont-tell phase of society but everytime I read stories like I just feel disgusted

>>43403405
gincel never writes more than 3 sentences and doesnt read others' posts
>>43404158
it wasnt left out, but whats the point? shes not here for us to help. it is hard to believe how someone can pretend to be straight for 10 years as a bottom though. as a kinsey 1-2 bi top, maybe. but a full blown kinsey 5-6 bottom...op would have to be a very rich workaholic or something for his wife to put up with that i think.

>>43404158
I'm absolutely the villain in this. But in my defense, I was raised to believe that being gay was a choice. I thought I was choosing to be straight. By the time I realized that was a crock of shit, I was holding my second baby and figured I was pretty much cooked. I still should have divorced earlier though.

>>43404158
> Maybe its cause im too young to have been born in the christo-dont-ask-dont-tell phase of society but everytime I read stories like I just feel disgusted
I’m a year older than Op, widespread homophobia was definitely worse when we were growing up, and I lived in a very blue state. I remember the gay kids in my grade school got made fun of mercilessly, and it still felt like a big deal to me in college when I realized I was bi.

That said Op shouldn’t have gotten into this relationship and wasted 10 years of his wife’s life. Attitudes toward queer people were worse back then, but not not so bad as to excuse a decision like that.

op. im curious now, why now? theres a sense of urgency in this story with your staying up all night, being up 36 hours. why now all of a sudden after 10 years of marriage? did something happen? maybe it was just seeing your daughters starting to grow up and realizing the jig was up? but how did you conceal all the gay signs from your wife so long that she still was totally shocked?

>>43404158
I agree that OP fucked up and should probably feel bad for having been in the relationship for this long, but at this point I think breaking up is the best thing he can do. Trying to just keep sticking with it will only make things worse as the years go by.
I disagree though that he is the "main villain" here, the true villain is the society and culture that pushed gay men to repress this shit and end up in situations like this. I do think there's a cultural/age difference here, the amount of repression and shame put on gay people in the past was huge (in conservative areas at least) and so someone desperately seeking out a way to avoid that and not thinking of the long term consequences of it all is at the very least understandable to me, even if obviously still wrong. And venting about it on an anonymous internet forum is also fine, idk why you're trying to judge him for that.

OPs wife has every right to be angry though. What she has been put through is absolutely terrible

>>43404321
I prefer to think of myself as a bit of a switch, though I prefer to bottom. As for how I managed to endure straight sex, she had a low sex drive, I'm a pretty good actor, and the viagra hard carried.

>>43404395
but she was your best friend? how could you hide your gay feelings from your best friend

>>43404429
actually forget it, you're going through a lot as it is. i guess its just a testament to how powerful social stigma is. we could all have best friends holding back who knows what from us.

>>43404333
Nice trips Op

I think you’re doing the best you can with a bad situation at this point. It’s good you realize you fucked up and your actions really hurt your family. I also admire your bravery for confronting the issue head on and not trying to just muddle through indefinitely. Get some sleep and try to clear your mind. Wishing you the best while you rebuild your new bay life + continue to be a supportive parent

>>43404460
*new gay life

>>43403479
>>43403674
I want to be clear that I'm not justifying OP's actions or saying the wife should or shouldn't feel a certain way. Mostly I was trying to say is that he shouldn't let her justifiable anger harm his children by letting it get to him too much. Yes he dun goofed it big but there can't be anything done about it now. All he can do is move forward, and regardless of what will happen between his wife and him, he should try to not let that affect his kids

>>43404367
Gay couple moved in a few doors down and they both just looked so... normal. Average. Well adjusted. Kinda shattered any justification I had for staying closeted. I wanted to be normal, and I thought being straight was the only way to be that.

>>43404355
Agreed with all of this. I remember I asked one of my friends in 2005 or 2006, "What would you do if <close friend of ours> was gay? Would you stop being friends with him?" and being shocked that he said Yes. And this was in Massachusetts.

But times changed rapidly. I saw it in my school even by the time I graduated. Gay marriage was legalized all around the US by 2015, which would've been around when OP got married, and people knew what was up before then.

>>43404536
ah yeah super understandable. i've seen a lot of people talk about how gay pride parades and whatnot actually encouraged them to stay closeted and it wasnt until they saw that you could live a normal life and be gay that they cracked. because they idealized being normal too

>>43404429
This is gonna sound very boomer of me but like. The only thing that connects me to queerness is that I like men. Other than that, I don't really have any "gay" energy to me. I'm the most milquetoast whitebread ass guy most of the time. The only time that ever slips is when I get plastered. Then I get a *slight* fagcent and get a little handsy. But I only drink like. Once a year at the most. I was mostly honest with my wife about who I was. I only ever really lied about my sexual and romantic preferences. Everything else I was pretty direct and honest about.

>>43404382
>>43404355
I'm also in my early 30s and things were really much worse back then. Yall gotta remember...you're looking at from the perspective of "well it was the 2000s! Things were just fine to be gay!" Yeah, in some places at some times. But if OP is 37, that would mean he was born in 88-89. Which means his parents would have been 20-40 somethings, placing their births in the 60s and 70s and them getting an education about homosexuality from people born in the 40s and 30s. So this shit trickles down. In the 2010s when OP got married getting married was only recently made legal. People today don't understand that like 20 years ago, it was a CRIME to be married to another man if you were a man in many states. So I'm willing to give OP a shred of leniency here, especially given that everyone in the family is hateful of gays.

>>43404460
Thank you. Trying to get some rest but my brain seems to believe that sleep deprivation is an appropriate punishment for my misdeeds.

>>43404558
>>43404599
Yeah it’s crazy how fast shit changed back then. It makes me nervous those gains could all slip away just as quickly.

>>43404585
i know your type lol they try mdma or acid and turn gay and think its the drug making them gay then they go back to "normal"

>>43404630
I've been read to filth under my own post.

>>43404599
All I hear is a lot of excuses for a man that chose cowardice and is choosing cowardice once more.

Being unjustly treated does not mean you do not have duties to uphold.

>>43404573
>>43404608
Instead of talking to your friend, go talk to that couple. Get some rest first, but they'll probably have noticed in a day or two that the wife and kids left out of nowhere and probably wonder. You might make some new gay friends and at least you'll have people you can talk to in person.

>>43404658
good idea
>>43404644
lol

>>43404649
"Choosing cowardice" you sound like a fuckin anime villain. I don't deny being a coward, but it's not like me crying myself to sleep with guilt will undo my actions. All I can do is try not to let the past mistakes condemn me to make future ones.

>>43404679
You made the mess, you retard. You willingly entered contracts that you have an obligation to uphold. You are going to mentally shatter your wife and children so you can suck cocks at gas station gloryholes.

>>43404705
My wife is the strongest person I know. She'll recover, even if it means hating me. And I'm still going to be there for the kids. As for "mentally shattering them" they are 5&3 years old. They don't have minds to shatter yet. The eldest is still bewildered by the concept of a racoon having thumbs.

Also, my germaphobic ass wouldn't enter a gas station bathroom if you held me at gunpoint.

>>43404721
>They don't have minds to shatter yet.
are you fucking retarded?

>>43401702
This is probably the sleep deprivation whispering in my ear like lucifer but can estrogen actually reverse twink death or is that pinkpiller misinfo?

>>43404804
Name one memory of any event that happened before the age of 5.

>>43404840
Nta. It really depends on the person. I remember myself from back when I couldn't walk yet. Diapers, pacifiers, the crib, everything. I remember trying to walk for the first time.

>>43404904
Fair. Either way, so long as I continue to make an effort to be in their lives, this shouldn't be super traumatic for them, I hope. That might be me coping but like. I don't remember shit from before I was like 6ish.

>>43404939
Anon, you're doing the right thing. Stop overthinking.
>this shouldn't be super traumatic for them
Correct. You know what would be more traumatic? A self-hating, jaded, retarded father throwing a hissy fit every time he doesn't feel like the family acts Worthy Enough Of The Sacrifice they don't even know about.
Relax and go to bed.

>>43404963
Truth nuke. Okay I'm gonna actually pass out now. Thanks for all yalls help.

>>43404978
Goodnight anon. You’re doing the right thing, even if shit’s gonna be crazy for a while. Try talking to your gay neighbors like someone suggested. Maybe wait until this initial burst of manic energy and adrenaline wears off though

>>43401557
Somehow that's the gayer than anything you've done with Mikey

thanks for the total horror story. so happy that my romantic and sexual feelings are misaligned. I may kms just for fun!!

>>43406500
just kidding ur story isn't that bad and u did the right thing. lots of my friends parent went through the same thing. I hate sexuality so fucking much though

>>43401191
God you sound insufferable and self absorbed