> Weird fascination with girls clothes starting at like <10 yo> Think girls are just better than boys & admire and sometimes envy them> Briefly consider being trans but drop it (idk when or why or how long but it happened around like 12-14yo)> Never develop normal male sexuality, just been into force fem/crossdressing and related kinks for almost as long as i can remember> Extremely ashamed about it and also think it proves im not trans and just a fetishist> Eventually find more tranny shit online> Get envious of transition timelines> Start to seriously consider being a tranny again> Not sure if i have dysphoria but know that i dont really like the effects of T puberty.> Sometimes dislike having a dick a lil, feel like maybe id like myself more if i was a girl, avoid mirrors and pictures and sometimes get envious of girls.> Queue years of daily debating whether or not im trans or should take E> Hate myself for wasting my youth by being a shutin and just ruminating about it and not doing anything> Break and try it out like half a year agoWhat the fuck is this shit. And im not even sure whether or not i should keep taking E still. This sucks.Its just hilarious looking back. Idk if i should take my life story as like "oh yeah this was inevitable, just look at yourself" or "are you fucking stupid, u arent trans, just easily influenced and with a porn rotted brain from day one".The worst part is that there is still not fucking resolution to this one stupid fucking arc of my life. This is basically the only major personal problem ive ever had and its been unresolved for over a decade now.
it never goes away.
>>43467169i fucking hate pics like this its just dooming slop for fucking losers whining about nothing theyre so annoying its crazy
>>43467169holy same
>>43467186Idk funnily enough it did kinda go away for me. I still get envious of women sometimes but way more rarely now for some reason since i started E.Ofc this does not help me with whether or not i should keep taking E. Also part of me thinks that if i quite E for good it might just come back again more but idk.
>>43467169when you think of your ideal self, what does it look like?
>>43467310Idk anymore. I used to be at least somewhat certain id prefer being female. But currently & since like a few months on E my mind is completely fucking empty lol.But idk then other times i do still think id prefer at least not being male. And maybe female, at least in the sense of being perceived as that (at least at first glance). Like if ill be lumped into either "male" or "female" categories id prob prefer female a bit, but only a lil i think idk.Body wise i think i also prefer female i think. Idk about boobs, which is weird lol. But i dont really like having a dick and i dont like a lot of male features (height, voice, big hands and feet, body hair, fat distribution). And i do want a lot of female ones instead (skin complexion & softness, hips, fat distribution, bone structure, face), i think at least idk.But yeah mostly idk. I dont really have an ideal self, i think i either hate myself too much for that. Or im just too devoid of any drive and want right now to have one. I used to think i had an ideal self, even if i couldnt picture it, and that she was much more likely to be female than male. But now that im still confused & unsure after over half a year on E idk anymore.
>>43467233Have u managed to resolve it for yourself yet or did u also end up the same way as me? (Somehow on HRT but still confused and anxious about it)
>>43467416no im also 10 years of this, also wasted my youth being shut in, daily debating my gender, 6 months of e now but thinking of quitting but if i quit i will just think of going back on, until i run out, then i will think of buying more, and so on. its never ending, theres no resolution in sight to speak of.
>>43467169lol i also considered i was a troon when i was 14 but i was like naaah thatd be really scary and cringe and kept jacking off to femboys until i encountered trans timelines that actually looked good and almost had a heart attack
>>43467416i >>43467474 would be so successful if i didnt have this one stupid issue
>>43467474Yeah ok that does sound similar lol. Including suspecting i might just eventually end up back on it if i stopped.Hopefully u at least arent anxious about hrt. For me its just like i went from daily debating my gender, to daily debating whether or not i really like HRT effects and should keep going, or whether im an idiot and will eventually regret it (esp. in regards to like breast growth).It feels like im doing the same daily debate shit but worse now, cuz every day i now have the option to decide whether i take E or not.Where as before i could at least resign myself to thinking i was too indicesive/cowardly/incapable of even getting on E and so just passively accepted being on T. Even if i was fearing that it might be rotting my body away.Plus ofc not transitioning/taking HRT is like, socially and in every other regard way easier than doing it.Wishing u the best tho. I hope we both may somehow get out of this stupid cycle eventually.
>>43467486I forgot why i stopped thinking about it then (my memory is really bad).I think it was because i just decided that its just stupid and "childish" to think about or sth. I think part of me even thought i was too old to consider sth like that seriously.... yeah that one was fucking stupid.That and i think just a sort of innate sense that this was a taboo topic and i shouldnt think about it. And that it was sth to be ashamed about. Tho that might have also been bc i was already into force fem/cd shit sexually.Altho idk when it was in relation to when i first started getting into force fem shit. It was prob v. close to that timewise but idk if it was just before, just after or during.
>>43467169this is just classic AGP or late onset dysphoriau either gotta troon or just rep and commit to being a normal dudeThe important thing is to commit to one if you waddle around in indecision it will literally fry your brain
>>43467892> The important thing is to commit to one if you waddle around in indecision it will literally fry your brainIm afraid its too late for that already lol. P. sure my brain has already been fried by indecision.Even now that im on E i waddle around between "omfg what am i doing now i have to get top surgery bc i might hate having tits" and "oh ok no for the first time ever i kinda like what i look like"
>>43467541very relatable. how do we make it stop? i guess i go through phases where i'm doing well, focused on other things/hobbies/life, and then something happens and i'm back to obsessing about this stuff again. i don't have breasts but i still stand out as gnc. and when i look at pics from before, i look better now and feel better now. if i quit, i'll probably end up back on ssris and become a zombie. >Wishing u the best tho. I hope we both may somehow get out of this stupid cycle eventually.thank you. i hope so for you too.
>>43467186it can.
>>43467169how bad is your relationship with your mom?
