Imagine being stuck in a life that you hate BUT also you exist right next to people who have the life you want XD>be me>40yo lateshit manmoder>7 years hrt, but it never even began>work night shifts at a faculty as security guard>job as close to being a neet as possible while still being employed>been there for about 5 years now>was initially optimistic, great place to chill and learn skills>gonna l2code and socially transition lets fucking go>none of that really happened due to depression/being retarded/???>used to look younger than my age, now not so much any more>noticing a few trans students>ranging from obvious twinkhon borderline femboys to passoids>see them laugh and hang out with other students>participate in faculty events>work on interesting projects>probably already have interesting job prospects (or soon will)>probably dating / being desired coz male-dominated field (computers)>to them I'm a middle aged fat unc>their mental model of me is that of a literal 80iq npc>who could blame them>this is my life nowI'm honestly not sure why I exist at this point, but it's possible that it's mostly to serve as a warning to others. I could talk about what would I've done differently if I had another chance, but I know myself well enough ... I would have just fucked it all up again :).I'd change jobs but in a weird, sad way I still prefer "making it" in a sense that I at least physically reached the right place. I may not be an actual member of it. But I'm there.
what do you like to do?
i've been on hrt for 20 years anon. i'm 38. if you aren't just rogd, why didnt you start at 18 when legally allowed as i did?
>>43473907I still enjoy listening to music, including finding new artists and genres. Idk if I'm just using it as a way to prove that I'm not that old yet.You have no idea how many people my age just listen to the same 20 songs forever, and not being them (yet?) is comforting in some small way.I also still like to read. I just finished there is no anti memetics division, which was really fun even though the writing itself wasn't that great.I still work on my projects from time to time. I have a graveyard of unfinished stuff. I mostly just enjoy getting new ideas and writing them down really. I'm one of those people I guess.So yeah idk, I haven't given hope completely, but it's such a heavy feeling to see all those young people ... there's a faculty lobby full of posters advertising all kinds of activities students can join. Sports, workshops, networking, interesting lectures, game nights, there's going to be a picnic too. I'd love to join so many of these things, but they aren't for me. It feels like nothing is for me at this point.
>>43473888im not going to become like you ill end it after 2 years
>>43473912Happy for you, but if you are who you say you are, you also don't need me to answer this >>43474019Life is still interesting and sometimes funny tbhdesu, so even if you are a loser, it still pays to stick around. Life is so short as it is nona btw, so there's no point in making it even shorter.
>>43473888Well damn op that really sucks. Crazy to consider that many of these passoids would be in a similar boat (or just permareppers) if born in a slightly different time and place
this is going to be me. closeted, working minimum wage, socially bereft, creatively unfulfilled. just fucking doomed
>>43474479I feel guilty for writing such a sad OP, so let me show you a different view of my life.>woke up alone in my comfy queen sized bed, I'm lucky to be able to live alone, so no one bothers me>casually walk to the mall just across the road, buy coffee and lunch>run into an old coworker and his wife and chat a bit >prepare lunch, do laundry while listening to great music and saying hi to my discord friends>chat a bit about hontra's newest Saw video, looks like the dork managed to get herself cancelled again kek, guess she's used to it at this point>casually walk to work nearby where I live, it's a nice university complex>say hello to receptionist and nod to the few employees still there>do my evening round, its 45 minutes of brisk walking because the place is so big, free exercise, saved my mood so many times>call mom and talk to her as I walk and check the buildings, plan my next visit>now at my station with laptop and 9 hours of basically free time i get paid for>i get paid or posting on 4chan and discord or do anything i like>think about the cute tranner student and how I need to lose weight to feel like a human again, maybe then I could date a big again>think about wtf to do with my life and realize that while im indeed older now and my options are more limited, there's still many years ahead of meSame life, different perspective>>43474337to be fair, I am where I am in life not just because of not having transitioned at 18 haha. I had one trans gf who is younger than me but also lateshit by this board's standards, and she's doing great as far as I can tell. Feels bad being lifemogged that hard honestly but I try to be happy for her.
>>43473888>muh career>muh joooob>le muh money>deez indaresting corporate prooojectzSTOP. CARING.just live. if you chase status, material posessions and fulfillment through occupation you are doomed to be miserable no matter what AND an omega-npc.just learn to sit in silence, stare at a white wall and be happy. You've missed any other chance anyways.
>>43474713I don't mean to be rude, but is there any chance you could post hand? Tryna to see smth ;))
>>43473888Just stop being depressed/retarded/??? and save money for ffs
>>43473888just start girlmoding desu, makes u feel so much better when ppl see u as one
>>43473888Just womanmode anyway and keep hustling for money. Having money fucking rules. You can also still date or get married all the way into the old folks home.
>>43473888You feel as though your life has no value because you have no end goal. No dreams, no ambitions. Why don't you save for surgeries that will make you look the way you desire to be seen as? Once you actually begin working towards something, you wont have that feeling of "i don't know why i am alive."
>>43473888What you should is be a good kitty and get off your ass and take what is left for you to take.
>>43474713i chase nothing and im still so miserable
>>43474844I do have goal and ambitions, but I feel so alone and miserable a lot of the time. I know people who can grind like crazy and never think about any of these things, and they are either narcissists or more often dads with young families. For better or worse, I'm not either even though I definitely ruminate too much.I also have been trying to stop drinking and actually managed ok for a few months but I recently drank again, so that feels like shit too.Anyway idk I need to find a lifestyle that will help me feel okay enough to actually work consistently. And by "work" I mean working on getting the hell out of my current "job" and socially transitioning.>>43474850Haha hii <3
>>43474713This is kinda moid-coded sorry>>43474784>>43474777>>43474831trve
>>43474831>Just womanmode anywayyeah at 40 are you even really a hon anymore or just an old lady? im putting this in my confidence box for a few years from now
