About a month ago I was feeling really burnt out and exhausted so I decided to make a post on frengen. I was kinda stupid and also attached an actual photo of myself so it attracted some chasers. I've never really had any interactions with chasers up until then b/c I've been more a lurker than anything and avoided interactions with the board, and some people got really weird while others convos just kinda died out. But there was this one person who I originally assumed was another trans girl that I really liked talking to, they were snarky and shared a lot of common interests. We were also of the same ethnicity so there was also a lot of common ground there. During a convo I gendered them before he corrected me and mentioned that he's cishet but checked the board occasionally b/c he would be bored.Random context drop that might be helpful; I'm incredibly inexperienced with relationships and intimacy, as in the most I've had were some crushes on boys/girls. I grew up with awful bottom dysphoria and never (and still don't) have the balls to come out publicly. I started HRT the moment I could and its been going strong for 5 months now. My libido was nuked since I got SA'd as a teenager by a gay guy a couple years older than me, and it completely died when I started E2. As a result, intimacy was something I repressed really hard and refused to think much about b/c it was so intimately tied with a vulnerability that I didn't have the courage or maturity to confront at all. I feel incredibly fucking guilty of myself for being a tranny and still am very wormbrained about whether I'm actually trans or if its traumagenic. But ever since coming to terms that regardless of how "trans" I was -- that I'd still be happier being a girl -- there's always been that nagging feeling of inadequacy knowing that I'm not cis.
He make a joke about some masochist thing and I got really flustered about it for some reason. Maybe its the anonymity of it all but I liked the teasing and played along and it was the first time I've felt aroused in almost a decade. We talked continuously for the whole day before we started VC'ing and that's been kinda consistent daily since then. I love talking with him about his almost autistic like interest in fish, his random tangents, and genuinely god awful sense of humor. But its cute to me and I like it. I noticed that I was having feelings for him about a few weeks ago and I know it's super naive and stupid to do so with someone you've never actually interacted with IRL but despite being a sadist he was always so considerate and affectionate in ways I still don't understand how. It's really affirming to have someone to talk to that you know accepts you for who you are. I've genuinely just been leaking everyday whenever we talk, as if his presence is all that it takes for me to get aroused. It's so stupid that I'm so hormonal and emotionally suddenly after almost a decade of zero libido that its been a shock to me that I can be this down bad.I've been fantasizing about a life with him for the past two weeks on a daily basis now and its so fucking pathetic because I know deep down that this will never work out. Like meeting b/c of 4chan threads? long distance? manhon and a cis man? Yeah no, that sounds like a fucking recipe for disaster. I've thought about all the ways I could try to make it work, how the logistics of visiting him works, how we'd keep in contact, how he'd know that I still only love him. But the more that my feelings grow for him, the more anxious I get knowing that it'll only hurt so much more when he decides to ghost me or when things fizzle out.
He knows that I like him romantically but says he feels bad that I'm so emotionally dependent on him and that he's not interested in a relationship for now but maybe interested if I voice train, girlmode, and come out publicly. They're reasonable demands, but fuck I don't feel ready. My whole plan was to HRT and voice train until I'm done with my bachelors and then come out when I'm semi-passable but ashdjsabdnas. It also made me feel really weird because the image of love I was presented with is now suddenly conditional and I don't know what to do with that anymore.The thing is, I have an okay executive function and I'm emotionally stable when it comes to anything else but the idea of intimacy. A part of me has been preparing for the moment I realize that this is going to nowhere or even end really badly but a louder voice in my head really want this to work out. I've never had feelings this intense before and I doubt I'll ever dare to hold feelings for anyone else to this extent anymore.He has made less and less sexual innuendos since the first week we started talking and I'm scared that the novelty is dying for him now. I feel I made a huge mistake by being hormonal and doing sexually explicit stuff for him during that talking stage b/c what if he thinks I'm a whore/slut?I don't know, I don't know, but I'm so scared because the moment the illusion shatters is probably when my brainworms are going to force me to dissociate for the next decade. That's okay if it happens but fuck am I terrified for it to happen eventually.I want to be his so badly, I want to worship him, I want to learn the menial rituals of love, I want to be his wife, I want to be a mother for his children, I want to learn to love *him*. But trannies don't deserve love.Please, what do I do :(
>>43607648What would make you happy? Do that. Personally, it sounds like you've moved a bit fast, but I can tell you're excitable because this is new for you. I do think him setting conditions is odd, though only you can decide if you're okay with them. You have an oppurtunity, but you'll have to deviate from your current plans, it seems. Is this something you're ready for? Is it safe to do so? Just keep stuff in mind as you consider what to do. Not very helpful, I know, I just can't tell you what to do. All that can really be helped with is making sure you know what these decisions mean
>>43608119yeah absolutely I have been moving too fast -- which I why I really wish I met him after I developed a bit more maturity and experience.I should also point out that the way this is presented is really biased from how I perceived things and probably not an entirely neutral/accurate depiction of whats really going. It was more of like a passing comment like "I could see myself dating you if you stopped boymoding". He keeps saying I'm a passoid but I think he's just hugboxxing me.I'm in a very blue state so I think it'll be comparatively a lot safer to come out. I think my main worry was just that I feel like a fraud and/or that it'll unsettle my current friendships with people.The rational side of my brain is telling me to deescalate the intensity of my investment into this for about a year or two and see where it goes but it also makes me worried that maybe that'll be the last straw that breaks the camel's back.
>>43608317Can't control when things happen, unfortunately. Maybe in a more favorable reading, he's just trying to push you to be more of the person you're working towards. You'll have to come out to the people you know eventually, so it's kinda just ripping the bandaid off now if you choose to be more open with them about it. Personally, if someone I was friends with wasn't going to be supportive, I'd rather know as soon as possible anyways. But I don't think deescelating is a bad idea. Just give yourself a bit of space to breathe because it's always good to be a bit wary about people who start out with sex talk. Hell, I just saw someone make a thread last night asking how to find and groom 18 year old trans girls. Just be careful. Don't want you getting yourself into trouble
>>43608784mmhm thanks you for your concerns and I do agree that the most actionable steps are to give myself some space to process this and be a bit more wary.It'd really suck if he was predatory or manipulative because ugh interacting with him has made me feel the least dysphoric I've felt in years.
>>43607613Did you draw that OP?
>>43609678no! stolen from u/Master_Health_5952
>>43609362I get that. Being seen and desired as a woman is a powerful thing, lmao. I wish you luck!
