he/him binary trans man only ever wore men's clothes and tried to avoid the lesbians who chased me, unfortunately bisexual and fembrained but still managed to start T at 16. got molested a bunch like no matter where I went after that, started relying on transphobic pornslop fantasies to "cope" or whatever. by 19 despite 80% passing for a while even without surgery started femming it up a bit, told myself it was in a queer guy way. somewhere in that process my "identity" was destroyed and now I have DID or some shit, because I feel like I'm always waking up after being possessed by a gooned out tomboy or femboy whore or they/them who doesn't take nearly as much T as I'd prefer. just got my labs done and im officially poondosing. even people who I've hooked up with have forgotten i wasnt mtf for a sec before remembering. the part of me writing this is like in control like 10%? don't wanna be nonbinary or whatever because I think I'm just pornbrained and mentally ill but the other parts disagree. I'm the most sexually normal (slightly misogynistic mostly straight male fantasies) but the others are actually degenerate fags/pooners. can't have a happy relationship because of how weird we collectively are about sex, my last relationship (t4t) ended because knowing this all gave him too much secondhand dysphoria and mental illness (a respectable decision even if I'll probably miss him forever). i did this to myself desu i really can't blame anyone for this besides maybe the ppl that sexually harassed me in middle school after I started transitioning and rapewired my brain, did choose this even if it's the evil freaks who take over frequently who I don't want to be me. do i lock in on detransing or get top op and cope with the intermittent dysphoria either way, or rope? can I even do any of those without another part fucking it up? don't wanna be theythem(plural) it feels like losing i wanna be a whole singular normal person not a bunch of pervert parts in one horrible body
>>43639926seek intensive mental treatment
you'll feel 10x worse detransitioning, just get professional help
>>43639926>>43639986>>43640116
>>43639986>>43640116i started therapy recently but I've been to many therapists before, some of which barely helped and some that made shit worse. this therapist is supposed to know more about dissociation and sexual trauma specifically so maybe this time will help. only a few sessions so far, diagnosis as of yet is simply cptsd but i havent been very open about everything entirely. also now i feel bad for the derogatory language to the other parts because honestly when i don't think about how we share a body they can be kinda cute and silly. I'm not even really truly the original, real one that they're derivative perversions of, I'm just the one that was most in control when aserting identity to parents post outing and doctors to start HRT, that's miserable about sex and the body most, and i project it , probably. they got bullied more that I did. easier to pretend it's porn's fault and not that sexuality has been the only means of constructing an identity for them, because I asserted they weren't allowed to exist outside of masturbation or a sexual role to others because that meant it was just pretend and not me being crazy, i guess. I'm a freak too. they're not just sex i just hate sex and wish they could enjoy sex seperate from me
