>i sometimes get a stupid lil grin on my face instead and im happy about it.
if it makes you happy, keep doing it

>>43640494
Its just so fucking stupid, why am i like this. My mind feels completely empty and i dont know what i want, but at the same time im extremely anxious that HRT was a wrong choice while also having a bunch of hints that i love it and it might actually be the right decision anyways.

This is stupid it feels like im going insane. The only thing im still capable of is complaining about and thinking about this shit 24/7 and writing stupid posts like this while sobbing at my keyboard every other day.

At the same time its literally only been a few hours since i last saw my breast growth in the mirror and was really happy with it. And the last time i felt really bad about how i looked it was because i noticed my beard shadow or because i thought my face still looked super male and i hated it. Or because i saw my large shoulders and ribcage and hated that.

Also despite not being sure about boobs i weirdly feel like im getting more and more certain that i hate having a dick. Stupid ugly appendage that makes clothes look bad.

I hate this, why cant i just accept that i am or am not trans AND THEN JUST STOP FUCKING CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT IT.

It feels like ive been cursed by permanent indecision, confusion and a constant fear of doing sth wrong and its never gonna go away.

>>43640529
And other times it makes me fear that im ruining my goddamn life. So what fucking feeling do i actually trust. Both feel fake at different times and i cant stop worrying about it.

The whole problem is that i dont know if it makes me happy. Or at least if it does if all the possibility of regret (nvm all the other complications) is worth a small improvement in happiness.

>i hate having a dick. Stupid ugly appendage that makes clothes look bad.
totally normal not transgender completely cisgender thing to think. tranny card revoked

>>43640494
It sounds to me like you're refusing to, for political reasons, allow yourself to want to be a woman. Instead, you've replaced this with a desire to want to be a *trans* woman, specifically.

I really have to tell you this: A cis person would not be having these thoughts. No normal man would *want* to be this. You're here because YOU ARE A GIRL. You are happier on E. You LIKE the effects. Why do you feel like you might not be "really" trans? You LIKE IT when you look like a girl. This is because YOU ARE A GIRL.

Your gender identity may be complicated. Mine turned out to be pretty masculine in nature, but I still want to physically be feminine.

>>43640530
You should affirm that you are a GIRL because you like it when you are a girl and you hate it when you look like a boy. You are not going to regret being a girl because you want to be one. It's really this simple.

You must also teach yourself to be a lot more woke and feminist. These thoughts in your head are wrapped up in internalized transphobia and misogyny. Understand that it is okay to be a tranny, and that it is okay to be a woman. I think this is mainly what's plaguing you.

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>>43640494
>>43640529
>>43640530
total tranny death

>>43640565
> Instead, you've replaced this with a desire to want to be a *trans* woman, specifically.
Maybe, but if anything this makes me more uncertain again if i actually am trans. Cuz if i was id be focusing on the woman part not the trans part.

> I really have to tell you this: A cis person would not be having these thoughts.
Ill prob still think im just cis actually at some point. But yeah i agree kinda, atp im prob not like, cis cis. Problem is i could still be some fucked version of NB that doesnt want tits/shouldnt have started HRT.

> You are happier on E. You LIKE the effects. Why do you feel like you might not be "really" trans?
Because eventho SOMETIMES im like that its not always. Sometimes i get super anxious instead and scared im doing the wrong thing. Especially in regards to breast growth, sometimes im really happy with what i got and occasionally get jealous about breast stuff (but very rarely). But then also very often i see someone with like larger boobs, or even normal-ish ones, and idk like it looks like it could be uncomfortable and like i might dislike it if mine get that big.

This is complicated by the fact that i still, usually, what i already got in terms of growth i tend to like. Sometimes what i already have makes me anxious too, but thats less common i think. And that i already liked it like 3 months ago, and now looking back at the pics from then i wonder what i was even so happy about cuz i can barely see anything lol.

But this still this doesnt relieve my anxiety about disliking it when it gets bigger. This is like my main fear about why HRT might be the wrong idea/why im not trans.

>>43640565
> It sounds to me like you're refusing to, for political reasons, allow yourself to want to be a woman. [...] You must also teach yourself to be a lot more woke and feminist. These thoughts in your head are wrapped up in internalized transphobia and misogyny.
I dont think thats it. I used to be a bit like that (like "Oh how dare i want to be a woman when im just not" or like "I dont deserve to be a woman bc women are like cool and smart and stuff and im just stupid and ugly") but thats not it right now.

And im not like a massive feminist or anything, but im 100% not conservative or a chud or anything of that sort and def lean left and towards feminism. Internalized stuff is almost certainly still an issue to an extent but not like massively (i think).

> You are not going to regret being a girl because you want to be one.
I hope so as well. But my main fear is also like that i dont even actually want to be a girl/woman. But its just a misplaced desire coming from somewhere else.

Like maybe i was just looking for a way to be less depressed & self hating, and for no particular reason latched onto being a tranny. Eventho the actual answer might have just been to touch grass and thats it.

Or its just me regretting being a shutin during my youth and somehow deciding i could get it back by trooning out.

Maybe my brain just got fried by force fem porn.

Maybe im just too autistic to know what i actually want and am, and passively groomed myself into this by hanging around trans social media for too long.

>>43640552
I said i *think* i might not like having a dick. Its not like im sure, and i only really dislike it badly occasionally, prob still wouldnt call myself a big fan of it though.

>>43640672
Look, maybe you are some variety of Non-Binary

I just think of it like this: HRT is not an ontological sex-change. You are what you are, and you don't need chemicals to be that. HRT is right for you if and only if you like the effects. And you do. So it's right for you. You don't have to feel the need to consider yourself a woman or whatever else. Nobody is going to invalidate you and it's perfectly fine to be on HRT as a non-binary person. You should feel free to explore your gender identity at your own pace without worrying that doing so will threaten your ability to keep doing what you want. It clearly seems like you're actively anxious about your own desires BECAUSE you don't want to stop wanting it. That means you want it!

And, look, bro, I would simply not worry about having breasts that were too big. It's not gonna happen to us

IU read threads like this then realise i will never have this
i truly am noting but a man
nobody has ever tried to even persuade me against this, just "gave me the cvhoice"
I am male

>>43640716
> You are what you are
Yeah unfortunately lol.

> HRT is right for you if and only if you like the effects. And you do. So it's right for you.
But do i? I mean sometimes i do, but other times idk and it makes me super anxious.

Also, and ik this cuz i keep complaing about ts to anyone who will listen, i get the response "you seem to like the effects" a lot. And idk if that means im just not getting my doubts across properly.

Or if i do and everyone besides me just has the clarity of mind to recognize that: On one hand is a bit of uncertainty, and on the other hand is me for the first time in my life liking how i look, and its just that everyone else is able to clearly see which one seems more important. And im the one being stupid bc im too anxious and cant see which side clearly outweighs the other one lol.

> without worrying that doing so will threaten your ability to keep doing what you want.
Im a lil worried tho breast growth might eventually fuck up my manmode...

> It clearly seems like you're actively anxious about your own desires BECAUSE you don't want to stop wanting it.
Not quite sure i get what u mean, but maybe, ideally i would like to just be "more trans" so i could keep going without worrying all the time. Tho in part my current problem is that my desires are super low currently. Like i used to get super envious of most women i saw, now its only occasional.

> I would simply not worry about having breasts that were too big. It's not gonna happen to us
Yeah but im also scared that its like a qualitative thing. That maybe i wont like having *any* breasts (arguably my current growth is still more in like "puffy chest" territory). Like what if i just have the sort of brain that cant deal with having breasts? I hope not, and i actually kinda wish i had the opposite sort of brain that wants them, but what if i do?

Thanks for taking ur time to respond to me btw it helped me calm down a lil <3

>>43640828
wdym u will never have this? never have what?

Also it kinda doesnt matter, if u dont wanna be a man u can just not.

>>43640868
the profound difference in being
OP is clearly a tranny
im clearly not when i think about my life
"this" references all the differences i read on OPs post and my own internal monologue about the subject
Im just not "it"

>>43640875
Ok i literally am OP and i object to being clearly and "profoundly" trans lol. Like the entire thread is about me not being sure and anxious af about not being trans so where tf are u getting that from.

But also i kinda get it, whenever i read someone elses account about being trans and i find differences to myself i instantly spiral into thinking about being faketrans again lol.

How do u feel about it then, like what is so different from me to you?

>>43640907
You actually had trans memories and not once did you mention how much of a fetish it was for you to be trans
You take pictures of yourself!!!!!
Honestly your typing seems very fembrained to me since I’ve seen other trans women irl type the same way
In the end you remind me of them with your worries abd they were 100% female
I’m not

>>43640907
To add
It seems people naturally nurture you towards transition from this thread at least
I’ll never have this
Not even my irl friends cared bacj when I had friends
I’m disgusting

>>43640984
> You actually had trans memories and not once did you mention how much of a fetish it was for you to be trans
Ok i dont have a lot of memories tho and they arent like extremely trans or anything.

Also at one point i literally mention being scared this is just a consequence of being into forcefem, that wasnt a joke lol. It used to be one of my bigger worries about being fake trans, that like, basically starting within a year or so maybe of having had any sexual thoughts, i was almost exclusively into forcefem and related fetishes since then lol.

"What if its just a fetish" is only less now cuz HRT nuked my sex drive & made me pretty disinterested in forcefem n stuff, and i still occasionally seem kinda trans. Plus even before then i tended to lean more and more wholesome/trans coded in terms of what i consumed.

> typing seems very fembrained
thx ig but also you know this doesnt like actually mean shit right.

> In the end you remind me of them with your worries abd they were 100% female
I disagree with this a lil too, how are these worries female?

> It seems people naturally nurture you towards transition from this thread at least I’ll never have this
Yeah extremely cis, wanting to be nurtured towards transition lol.

> You take pictures of yourself!!!!!
Only relevant after starting HRT. Unless u mean u are also on HRT and didnt suddenly start sometimes liking what u look like, like what happened to me (a lil, im still not sure im not making it up lol)

> I’m disgusting
You are not disgusting :c

Also i could just argue back:
> I’ve seen other trans women irl type the same way
"Oh you actually know trans women irl, this makes u more trutrans cuz all my info is basically only from the internet"
or sth like that

>>43641112
Im just dishonest about myself
I’m 100% cis
I’m escaping real torture by trying to take hrt and buy into a gd diagnosis
But it’s all a fetish about becoming a girl or other transformation fetishes that ended into literally xitter garbage about getting on hrt
It’s literally the culmination of my childhood fetishes so to speak

You literally type to convince me of your transness but it’s obvious to me we are nothing alike, you are definitely done fldvor of a trans woman
I’m disgusting for appropriating transness like this. You people deserve better than someone like me.
I took like 10 pictures total in my two years after hrt abd all of them were performative
My whole stitch is being a performativr trans woman becayse thst wgat Im supposed to be
I am just a gooner gone to far
Im just a brain dead quarter age crisis retard
We are nothing alike

>>43641112
And you actually had memories of bring trans

I only want to be nurtured becayse that’s the kind of porn I consumed: pink pill shit and transition fetishes

I never belonged amongst the irl trans people I wanted to be friends with. Not once did I I feel I belonged
Im and was fake

There is nothing for me to want anymore

Op your threads make me feel better because I think you should just take the damn estrogen and stop being so indecisive and if I think it’s true for you, maybe it’s true for me too. I hope you find peace with this and your brain quiets down.

I agree with the one anon who said you can just be nonbinary and not worry about having to meet some standard. The kindest, most beautiful, most passing, most fembrained E taker I know is nonbinary.

>>43641161
>>43641214
> But it’s all a fetish about becoming a girl or other transformation fetishes that ended into literally xitter garbage about getting on hrt It’s literally the culmination of my childhood fetishes so to speak [...] I only want to be nurtured becayse that’s the kind of porn I consumed: pink pill shit and transition fetishes
Literally same desu. And i only kinda got over that fear recently-ish. Hell i might even go back to worrying if im faketrans cuz i fucked up my sexuality permanently @ like 12yo by getting into forcefem lol.

> And you actually had memories of bring trans
It really really really isnt a lot trust me, just super minor things that i only vaguely remember and sometimes think i might even misremember.

> I’m disgusting for appropriating transness like this. You people deserve better than someone like me.
> I am just a gooner gone to far
Please try not being so mean to yourself, i dont think thats very helpful :c

> Im just a brain dead quarter age crisis retard
Same maybe lol. But again you shoud prob try not to be as mean to yourself. Altho im absolutely a hypocrite in saying that.

> We are nothing alike
- both around same age
- both into weird forcefem shit
- both on hrt
- both think about and are anxious about being faketrans
Idk u are prob still different in other ways but this isnt nothing. If anything u remind me of myself if i was more mean to myself. Hell it even sounds like u are on hrt a lot longer than me so if anything im more faketrans for already worrying like this so early on lol.

>>43641275
> Op your threads make me feel better because I think you should just take the damn estrogen and stop being so indecisive and if I think it’s true for you, maybe it’s true for me too.
Glad to hear it helps someone a lil too. Also always nice to hear another person thinks im just being a dummy and should take my pills, always calms me down a lil tho never very long lol.

Wishing you the best and hope you too can eventually stop being indecisive about it or whatever your respective worries/anxieties are <3

> I hope you find peace with this and your brain quiets down.
Me too qwq

> I agree with the one anon who said you can just be nonbinary and not worry about having to meet some standard.
Yeah i should prob give that a shot to some extent.

But like my main problem is still i think that im scared i will just not be able to deal with having tits, like proper ones. Either realizing that i just really dont like em actually, being too embarrassed about them in public, or just ending with me finding out that i have a brain that just gets gender dysphoria from them. Cuz then having to get rid of them sounds really annoying (expensive, takes long time, lots of paperwork prob before i can get it done + scared of surgery complications etc)

>>43640860
I think what you're experiencing is just anxiety over your gender dysphoria alleviating. As if the fact that you don't feel bad, don't feel the tranny thoughts, is a bad thing.

Actually, it's good! It's good that you feel normal! It means you are finally comfortable with yourself! The end goal IS for you to NEVER think tranny thoughts again! This is the CURE for tranny thoughts! Isn't it wonderful? You can stop worrying about becoming, and simply be. Simply... stop concerning yourself with your validity. Tally the stuff you like. Forget gender. It's bullshit. You seem to wish you had more dysphoria. This happens to people with more femme identities and less femme bodies. So I think it means the train is approaching the station, so to speak. It is good if you can be yourself, whoeever that is. Nobody will police your identity, so stop policing it yourself.

>>43641364
I’m 30
We are not the same
I don’t care if it’s helpful I want to die
I know for a fact I misremember all of it
I’m not worried Im faketrans I know it is true
I’m not trans
I’m not a woman
This is all fake
I hate myself and thst means I cannot be trans

>>43641364
I’m still into sexual shit it it all comes back to this same garbage
It’s all typical “agp”
I’m transphobic atp lol
Hate

>>43641161
That you are self aware enough to voice this means you are not appropriating anything. You are our sister. You go through what we go through, live the life we live. There is no wrong way to be a girl. That applies to cis women too, by the way. You like those things BECAUSE you are a girl, they didn't MAKE you a girl. How could they? If they could, we could transition every man on Earth - what a paradise it would be, then.

You are one of us, you silly billy. Come home.

>>43641447
I’m not
Categorically Im not
I am not a woman or a girl
My identifiers are twisted and my sense of self is utterly nonsensical
I’m a man

>>43641429
> I think what you're experiencing is just anxiety over your gender dysphoria alleviating. As if the fact that you don't feel bad, don't feel the tranny thoughts, is a bad thing.
It is a bad thing though bc even before i started i was never certain i even had gender dysphoria to begin with lol. So now when the reasons why i thought i might be trans/have gd a bit are alleviating it makes me fear that i just wasnt trans to begin with. Plus its alleviating so fast, im only on 7mo hrt like this is early AF (in the grand scheme of things), esp cuz i got hondosed for like at least the first 3 months.

> Nobody will police your identity, so stop policing it yourself.
Idk but i kinda have to. Like i have to engage with my own identity to even have one cuz i dont even fucking have one right now. Like i said in the op im not even sure if i still wanna be a woman or not or if id be better off or not, even if i used to think that *might* (and only "might") be the case.

>>43641447
I want to believe you but I know I cannot
That’s what sucks the most
Everything that should be comfortable isnt

>>43641447
Why are you even saying this to me? It feels so hollow to hear
Why would you believe this
I lied to you abd told uou I lied to you Yey you still choose to believe my lies
Why? I’m not like you
I’m not your sister
I’m not a woman
I’m not female in any way that matters
Even my soul is undoubtedly male
What am I eveb doing here? What a joke
I
Just escaping cruel reality. The reality thst Im a loser gooner lonely stupid creature.

Ruined an other thread award

>>43641952
Take it easy on yourself nona. You seem to be high on the self loathing axis (you and me both)

>>43641966
This is just how I am

>>43640530
>feels like ive been cursed by permanent indecision, confusion and a constant fear of doing sth wrong and its never gonna go away
literally meeeeee

>>43640494
"I wish I was" just get on hrt and start being transgender by identifying as another gender identity simple

>>43643235
Im already on hrt lol. The problem is that im still not sure if this is right for me or not despite literally trying it right now.