>>43684150
Are you the same poster as >>43681856?

>>43684295
yeah, unfortunately, why?

i think agp is rooted in childhood trauma but theres no awareness and treatment so ppl end up like this

>>43684347
mayb i should stop giving out so much info abt myself tho lol.

but fuck it im extremely miserable rn and wanna scream into the void. (while somehow also desperately desiring to get replies... it makes no sense)

>>43684150
are you the same person as in >>43676410?

>>43684150
bad girls
> think too hard about their AGP nature
> defiant
good girls are
> smooth brained
> do not question whenever their HRT gets administered by their hubbys though their little bums
> lust over cocks like obedient little AGPs
> grateful for every coat of seed she receives
are (You) a good girl, OP? only good girls are deserving of love

>>43684150
>Why the fuck did my sexuality have to entirely consist of forcefem
I stopped asking myself that when I got my first boyfriend.
I started enjoying it when I got with my second (and current) boyfriend with whom I'm marrying.
Being into forcefem without being feminized is hell. Being into forcefem and in a relationship with a real man is actually really nice. Got even better after i got the snip.

>>43684786
what do you think of the first time your vag virginity gets taken

>>43684864
"this better work"
no, seriously, that was on my mind the first time.

>>43684650
Id like to know where this is going/what this is for before i answer any more of these i think lol.

>>43684732
>>43684786
Maybe i should have mentioned that im no longer into it. Kinda at least.

Once i started considering being trans the "force" part of force fem became less important to me. Similarly i was never really into the humiliation aspect of it all, at least when the humiliation was supposed to exclusively just be "wow its so humiliating to be feminine/feminized".

Eventually i think half the stuff i looked at was just made/enjoyed by/for trannies anyways.

Then i started HRT and that fully just annihilated my interest in it for the most part lol.

>>43684995
oh yeah? squeezes your gyno

>>43684941
i talked with you there and ig just wanna say that today was one of my better days, met with someone who knows im trans and is okay with it, spending time with him made me feel somewhat normal and okay with myself, even if it was just like 25 minutes. So what I'm saying is to try not being alone, meet with someone in person who accepts you.

>>43685141
Oooh ok, then yeah i wrote >>43676410 and i think iremember u, u were the one who had bad day recently right? Glad to hear u had a good one now :D.

Mine has been kinda shit unfortunately tho, as i think u can tell by all the doom posting lol.

Currently just sitting here and just feeling dread about my boobs and thinking i may have fucked up ever taking hrt for long enough to let it get this far.

And yet i also just showered an hour or two ago, and id be lying if i didnt get a lil happy once or twice about my breast growth when i caught myself in the mirror.

Its really stupid how i cant hold any consistent opinion on this.

> So what I'm saying is to try not being alone, meet with someone in person who accepts you.
Idk i have a lot of those actually. Tho not really in person. But still another reason i might be faketrans lol. I have the easiest fucking environment to be trans in and im still this messed up about it :c.

>>43684650
wtf thats literally my life story exactly, except it started around 10-11 for me

porn didn't ruin your life.
you did.

>>43685528
Still im glad to hear it helped u, and yeah i should prob try doing sth like that more as well, idk tho... Currently im just feeling too miserable for anything lol.

>>43685549
Oh yeah dw i hate myself plenty enough for all of this already too.

you need sex with men and a loving bf, unironically.

>>43685542
My condolences, like in general, cuz this kinda sucks.

But especially if that life story also includes starting hrt but then being exceedingly anxious about it/breast growth while also weirdly sometimes loving it.

Bc that shit is a special circle of hell i feel like. Why tf give me extreme elation and happiness at growing tits, but also extreme anxiety and fear about it. AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME.

Like wtf am i supposed to do with that information. Start? Stop? Neither seems like a good choice, its so fucking insidious its almost funny if it wasnt also making me go insane.

Also:
> except it started around 10-11 for me
Honestly i might be the same. My memory is exceedingly shit, especially that early in my life. 7yo was only a vague guess as to when i maybe for the first time went "wow girls are just cooler" or "wow girls clothes are just better" or wanting to wear them as well or sth like that.

The best memories i have that seriously indicate sth like that id prob also vaguely date to like a 10-12yo range. Its just that i think theres a possibility it was even earlier but thats more of a suspicion than a certainty.

>>43685622
Maybe lol.

But also like i said my sexuality is/was almost exclusively forcefem. If anything i only ever got off to certain scenarios/kinks and wasnt ever really just attracted to certain men/women like, directly.

(This is another reason why i hate that im like this. It feels like i just dont have a normal sexuality in general (gay/bi/straight). Cuz for that id have to like directly be attracted to like men/women but im not i think.)

Unironically my sexuality might be like kinky ace or some shit (if thats not a meme).

Or just honest to god AGP/AGAMP, but that is an even bigger meme.

Or just bi and too depressed/too much of a shutin to have it matter, but would still fall in love instantly if anyone irl showed the slightest amount of affection and care towards me.

>>43685528
>Idk i have a lot of those actually. Tho not really in person
You have to at least try to do it once in person, idk I just felt calm when talking with someone. I actually became friends with one other tranny from my city and a boy who i was gonna date, but she tronned out on me.

>>43684150
>>43684295
>>43684650
you need a hobby man jesus christ

>>43685892
Yeah, to be fair i kinda did. A few times i legit went to like a trans meetup/bar thing. Tho i cant claim i had any massive revelations about my gender or feeling exceedingly calm or anything.

Perhaps a tiny amount, but really not a lot.

> I actually became friends with one other tranny from my city
Nice :D. Despite going to that bar multiple times i havent managed that yet. Tho the last time i went i actually exchanged contacts with a few ppl, but only one of those connections kept up. Only a little though and we havent met up irl since then...

But still im happy u have contacts and they help u feel calmer <3

> and a boy who i was gonna date, but she tronned out on me.
Ok thats prob sad/annoying for you, but im ngl thats also a lil funny lol.

>>43686129
Sorry but currently shitting up this board with my incessant brain noise is my hobby.

I also wish it werent so but my brain wont leave me alone and this is more fun to me than journaling cuz i can get responses too (like in general but esp from ppl that feel or felt similarly).

Also atp this space feels like the only one i could imagine housing ppl as fucked up about this gender shit as me.

Point being: I think im about to feel quite shit the next few days. So you'll prob get even more repper-detrans-retard-faketrans spam straight from my brain that just will not keep quite and decide on what to feel about all this.

fellow lifelong forcefem porn addict here, what I did was do a cold turkey tolerance break for a month to see if anything changed. eventually I realized I didn't have any desire to transition and it was just porn and the Internet that were heavily psy op'ing me.
try to detach from your addiction to porn and Internet for a month and see how you feel. if the addiction is too strong use site blocker/porn blocker extensions.

>>43686886
Ig, good u worked it out.

But for me its kinda too late (already tried HRT lol) and also forcefem isnt really the issue any longer. HRT nuked my sexdrive and esp. any interest in forcefem, and even before then it was getting a bit less.

Problem is that even w/o any of that, i still had (and have) moments that indicate i should mayb troon out, while at the same time also being incredibly anxious about it/having moments that indicate the opposite.

Idk what this thread was for, i think i just wanted to vent a bit because it all just seems so stupid.

Like why did i have to get into this stupid kink of all things. And why to the point of not even having a normal sexuality. And why did this (among other things tho) never leave me throughout most of my life. And lead all the way up to literally attempting to troon out.

It just seems like such a cruel joke. Such a stupid fate. Why did this have to be my life. I wish i wasnt myself.

>>43687194
nta
>HRT nuked my sexdrive and esp. any interest in forcefem
it does come back after a while if you keep going. it also comes back if you stop, but differently.
hrt is an endocrine hack. the initial instability lowers sex drive but eventually the body adapts and it comes back.
>still had (and have) moments that indicate i should mayb troon out
IKTF
it never really goes away. but it's easier to manage on estrogen.
good luck, lol

>>43686590
>Ok thats prob sad/annoying for you, but im ngl thats also a lil funny lol.
Not really, I got catfished a little, so nothing lost, just gained a friend, One thing that is annoying is that her bideltoid is smaller than mine, but she's also a little taller so idk.

> Ok thats prob sad/annoying for you, but im ngl thats also a lil funny lol.
I was into forcefem too and same, hrt nuked my sex drive, now I kinda find this a little repulsive

> It just seems like such a cruel joke. Such a stupid fate. Why did this have to be my life. I wish i wasnt myself.
I related to you before, but this hit me hard. I think it’s genuinely disturbing that something like a force fem fetish exists and could appeal to cis people if that really is a thing. Like imagine if it actually is and we're just fucked, I find it so hard to believe that this could actually be possible, but like idk judging by the things I feel sometimes and ig you maybe too.

>>43687275
> it does come back after a while
Ik, it already happened to me once when they increased my dose (tho still only very little). Now idk, currently not taking HRT but its only been 3 days and idk if ill keep going or just give in again randomly some time soon. So its not like im dead set on regaining my pre hrt sex drive (which i kinda disliked anyways).

> but it's easier to manage on estrogen.
I was hoping so as well but now idk anymore.

> it never really goes away.
Maybe, but im starting to suspect i might genuinely have a version of it where transition/hrt was a bad idea. Idk tho and might still be wrong.

>>43687439
> just gained a friend
Yay, nice to hear u are still on good terms/friends then :D

> One thing that is annoying is that her bideltoid is smaller than mine, but she's also a little taller so idk.
Yeah i get that, the one trans friend i kinda made now irl also has a bunch of features im envious about. Craziest one: Apparently she never got voice drop, she basically sounds like a slightly androgynous woman with 0 voice training ever.

Shes also short af and passed as early as her first *week* on HRT. Altho she is like super short even by cisf standards, so i almost dont envy her there, like its genuinely almost debilitatingly short. Obv helps her pass nearly flawlessly tho whenever she wants to.

> I related to you before, but this hit me hard. I think it’s genuinely disturbing that something like a force fem fetish exists and could appeal to cis people if that really is a thing. Like imagine if it actually is and we're just fucked, I find it so hard to believe that this could actually be possible, but like idk judging by the things I feel sometimes and ig you maybe too.
Honestly i dont think a fetish can actually make someone troon out. Even when i was pre hrt i only considered it as a sign in so far as that it might speak to some repressed desire of being female.

Doesnt stop me from wondering if im the 1 in 1000000000000000 cis guy that did actually get memed into taking Estrogen by a kink and too much exposure to trans memes tho lmao.

>>43687734
>Craziest one: Apparently she never got voice drop, she basically sounds like a slightly androgynous woman with 0 voice training ever.
Actually hate luckshits, but got that one too actually I think, it doesn't sound good to me, but I remember my friend making a joke that "I sound like a woman" and I'm 99% sure he meant as in the sound of my voice. Too bad I'm a heighthon and have cooked bones.

> Even when i was pre hrt i only considered it as a sign in so far as that it might speak to some repressed desire of being female
Yea me too, like I did have some signs, but many of the standard signs that trans people usually have. Most signs appeared in the 3-4 years prior to starting hrt, I even dropped the fetish for a month, but still. I remember my friend handed me her bag to get something from her room, I put the bag on my shoulder and started crying on the way there.

> Doesnt stop me from wondering if im the 1 in 1000000000000000 cis guy that did actually get memed into taking Estrogen by a kink and too much exposure to trans memes tho lmao.
yea me too wth, like also trans memes is so real

>>43687439
Also, almost completely unrelated, but on the topic of forcefem and being trans:

I once found/read this great essay by andrea long chu that talks about this. Its called "did sissy porn make me trans" and, idk been a bit since i read it.

I think it wasnt super impactful/relatable to me specifically and how i engaged with it. But she makes some interesting points in there, and most importantly its just a super fun read iirc.

Really need to read her book at one point cuz i also really liked the other things i read from her.

>>43687871
Might have read that one too or something really simmilar and yea I remember it being reaaaly relatable to me too. again idk if this is the specific one I read, but it did make me feel valid for a while when I was pre hrt

>>43687848
>Actually hate luckshits, but got that one too actually I think
Lmao calm down a lil esp if u got lucky with it as well :P. But yeah i get the instinct. Altho personally i usually seethe way more about youngshits.

> Too bad I'm a heighthon and have cooked bones.
Same, im not like a giga heighthon, but its bad. But my shoulders also seem like truly atrocious, also my ribcage.

> I remember my friend handed me her bag to get something from her room, I put the bag on my shoulder and started crying on the way there.
Ouch, yeah that sounds quite bad :c. Im sorry you had to go through that <3.

Also makes me feel faketrans again cuz idk if id have been like that or if my (pre hrt) signs were ever that obvious...

But then again depending on my headspace when it happened i could also see myself reacting similarly so idk.

>>43687871
Just googled it and it's not the one I read, but the line just hit me so hard and idk this line just feels real

"what happens when subjects living under oppression just don’t feel like resisting that
oppression and do something else instead."

Just read more and I don't think I can finish this, the way, she just writes the stuff that was in those videos makes me physically sick

>>43688016
> Just read more and I don't think I can finish this, the way, she just writes the stuff that was in those videos makes me physically sick
Yeah thats fair enough.

> Just googled it and it's not the one I read, but the line just hit me so hard and idk this line just feels real
Nice glad u liked at least a bit of it. There is also her (i think) most famous essay called "On Liking Women" which has a bit more stuff like that in it iirc (and no porn afaik).

Tho its a very transbian perspective on being trans (hence the title). But i think thats mostly only in the beginning and eases off later on. Its also much longer tho iirc.

Also super well written imo tho. Less sex jokes tho which i find a lil sad cuz they were really good in her other essay, but obviously there was way less of an opportunity here lol.

>>43688117
I'll give that a read, rn I'm going to try to get some sleep, hope we chat again. I feel a little better knowing there's someone I can relate to on so many things.

>>43688213
Yeah i should prob go to sleep to lol. Yeah it was nice chatting with u, if u want we could exchange discord contacts?

(Altho i might be asking a bit too late since u may already be in bed + even if not we prob wont write much today cuz late lol).

If not just watch out for a crashout post that sounds vaguely like it might be coming from me and then ask. Its prob bound to happen again sometime soon given by current mood qwq.

But yeah gn <3

>>43684150
>>43684352
I repped until I was 30 because I had some weird forcefem sissy shit going on as a teen and thought I was AGP, eventually transitioned because I realized idc if I'm an ugly old lady and never have sex again

Took until 29 y/o for childhood trauma memories to resurface, had ptsd flashbacks of being sexually abused by women when I was a toddler - and now I sorta forgive myself for the embarassing fetish shit. I spent years agonizing over it and it turns out it wasn't really my choice, that shit was planted in my monkey brain before I ever had a chance, I didn't go down the degenerate gooner pipeline by chance, it was my humiliating destiny.

Still feels cringe but o well life's weird.

I judge other people's weird shit now too, whether they know it or not it's probably rooted in some whacky shit they might not ever remember.

>>43688248
>if u want we could exchange discord contacts?
sure i'd like that, i don't wanna post my discord main discord here tho, add this account: anija__3

File: 20260522_014505.jpg (1.53 MB, 2160x3840)

1.53 MB JPG

>>43684650
>>43684995
Also sounds extremely similar to me >>43688317

I was always grossed out by the humiliation stuff but again, I guess older woman, mommy type shit, was done to me.. it still grosses me out but at least I don't feel like I'm just 'that much of a freak' or w/e

Here's my rough ass timeline of unflattering manpower shit from age 23-33, I'm still not even on HRT I just learned to do makeup decently and dress myself.

I hope you can forgive yourself and figure it out. It's not too late one way or the ither until you drop ded

>>43688317
Also lmao I meant
>I judge ither people's weird shit LESS now too

>>43688317
> Took until 29 y/o for childhood trauma memories to resurface, had ptsd flashbacks of being sexually abused by women when I was a toddler
Fuck im so sorry that sounds awful...

Im happy u figured yourself out tho.

Can i ask about it tho? Lke what is it like having these incredibly old memories re-appear so much later?

I dont think i have any deeply repressed memories like that, but my memory is kinda shit and i wish it wasnt so i had more concrete memories how i felt about trans/gender stuff earlier.

So occasionally i do get tempted into like weirdly wishful thinking about "what if sth bad happened to me super early and i forgot, and it finally explains why i am *like this*" lol.

But yeah its mostly wishful thinking/i dont think i actually have anything like that going on.

>>43688863
For my entire life I thought I had no excuse for any sort of mental illness because I had a perfect, loving, supportive family, and nothing bad ever happened to me. Brain's fucking insane. When a couple key memories came back I started to realize I had pretty big gaps in memory and only had a vague idea of my childhood, the closer I looked the more tense and uncomfortable I remember things being, and I remember not-remembering /why/.

>wishing something bad happened
I did that too, I remember crying wishing that at least if I got molested or something i'd have an excuse for being such a weirdo fuckup. Little did I know, I guess. Weirder still, I remember now, that I remembered this shit some time in my early 20s but mind-wiped myself somehow because it was like a flood of emotion and body-panic and rush of vague images and shit, that only happened once and never again. I told myself I must have been hallucinating and had some sort of weird mental breakdown from being too terminally online and traumatizing myself by seeing gore and sexual abuse on 4chan or something. Took a long long time to come back.

It doesn't even have to be that violent or sexual to be traumatic, weird interactions with adults, subtle background-emotional abuse and neglect, or individual moments of humiliation/embarassment as a kid can rewire your shit to perpetually avoid or ironically repeat the scenario.

>>43689219
I forget the name of the phenomenon, I'm pretty sure it was written in the 1800s that little boys who got scolded/humiliated for accidental exposure or otherwise having their dicks out - because they didn't know it was inappropriate - would then intentionally show their dicks to other kids and end up getting in more trouble. The reasoning, that they want to show people that this is their body, and be reassured that there's nothing wrong with it, that this thing is attached to them and it isn't like.. their fault. An early/bad enough experience without explanation causes them to repeat the behaviour and ends up causing more bad experiences that start to overlap and make determining the original source difficult, and they get older thinking they're just weird evil sex perverted because they don't actually remember being humiliated and ashamed and trying to fix that experience the only way their little kid brains knew how. Never dealt with, it sounds like that turns into a shameful and sadly predatory humiliation/exhibitionist thing. Louis C K has talked about having that experience as a kid and his shit speaks for itself, though I don't think he's that aware of the psychology behind it.

Childhood experiences, very whacky. My ex is FtM and it sounds like that stemmed from being made fun of as a kid on the beach, wearing a bikini and being the first girl to start growing breasts. Spent the rest of their life feeling like their body was wrong and embarassing to the point that he's gone and cut them off and grown a mustache.

Thinking we have gendered brains or souls, sure, whatever. I think we're all just a little busto and have finally accepted that I can't keep denying reality and rejecting who I am and what I've always wished to be.

>>43689219
yeah i didnt get molested or anything as a kid but i was definitely socially outcasted and neglected, i couldnt fit in and form an identity as one of the boys. it didnt make sense and it wasnt working. i ended up going on cam sites and shit to try and figure it out and it felt like i had more of an identity doing that than i did around my school friends. oh well.

>>43689226
I realize this take could probably be used to argue for repression in that, maybe therapy and self-acceptance would be healing without requiring such extreme measures. I thought that, when I was 19, and it's been 14 years and hasn't gone away, and my life has been pretty fucked in the meantime. Not directly, not obviously, but it's like the unaddressed shame and discomfort with my body and face and how I am perceived everywhere I go in everything I do, has guaranteed that I never really succeed, never really connect, I've been slightly detached from myself in such a way that I can never invest in the future, because this isn't the life I want to live.

Therapy alone probably just would've made me realize I'm gay in which case there's no reproducing anyway

Growing tits was a deal breaker I didn't want for the longest time but dating ftm I realized there are plenty of afabs wearing binders and youd never notice so I guess it's whatever

okidoki i go get groceries now

>>43689279
Ok last thing we have that in common
Hated guy friends, whole dynamic, male socialization is cancer, despised all the traits associated with maleness and it was a lifelong problem never being able to connect with my own gender and resenting being put in the same category with those neanderthals

>>43684150
do you feel ok becoming a balding and much more masc guy with beard shadow instead of your current self?

>>43689387
i take anti androgens and estrogen and i still look like that but i have boobs. theres no escape

>>43689387
Not really but also i dont immensely dread it so i might be able to manage.

And the alternative is being extremely scared of breast growth cuz its just such a big & permanent change and super visible and i migjt not like it...

>>43689219
I relate to feeling like i have no excuse to be like this cuz my family really is very good as well.

I aso relate to only having a vague idea of childhood im absolutely like that.

For me it feels less like gaps tho and more just like i really dont recall. And when i try to anyways i dont think i get tense or uncomfortable usually.

So yeah, interesting, but i dont think i have anything like that. (As much as i sometimes weirdly want to so i can explain myself through it instead of just figuring it out on my own lol)