Faketrans/true trans is retarded. Transgenderism is a joke of an existence

>>43699038
true, but id love some input on whether this type of "repping experience" is actually out of the ordinary compared to others or not.

>>43699000
I'm in a very similar situation so I'd like some answers for this too

Everyone else always seems to know what they feel so damn strongly. That's never been the case for me

>>43701216
Someone help them, and me too ig lol.

Idk unpopular topic ig or just bad title.

>>43699000
BPD dysphoria instead of autism dysphoria. You are always unsure because male BPD are always trying to find themselves and get identity diffusion when under stress. You will likely never commit to anything. I recommend DBT

>>43705148
What does that even mean?
Also, I heavily relate to op, and multiple psychiatrist have confirmed me that I'm not bpd nor autistic

>>43705246
Then you’re not trans

>>43705314
I'm transitioning tho, and while I'm still uncertain if it's what I'm supposed to do, I'd much rather kms than detransition

>>43705363
Idk what you’re doing here if you’re oh so certain you don’t have BPD or autism. You probably masked and are never yourself anyway so it’s all up in the air

>>43705925
Why do I have to have either one? Can't there be trannies who are neither one?

My trans friend recently said gender wasn't real. And was off hrt for some years. Said she use to be very girly and now was more masculine. So maybe it's not worth it to worry about this stuff

>>43706036
Stop being new I’m not gonna spoonfeed you. There’s external and internal factors behind gender dysphoria. Hussies are more BPD/NPD and jeeps are more autistic, you can have both and appear inbetween. If you have neither you’re probably just lying to yourself or unironically just some weird guy with tocd

I don't think every "true" repper (I hate that term) is as certain as you're thinking they are
any rational person who transitions or wants to at some point questions whether it's the right move
I would argue that 100% unshakable conviction is less healthy than a least some doubt, same as anything else

as to the deeper content of your post
I think a lot of cis men occasionally wonder what it would be like to be women
I don't think most cis men "hate" not having the courage to transition
if cis = comfortable with birth gender, it's not very cis to wish you had the bravery to try out being the other gender
it's never too late if any of this resonates

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>>43706184

>>43699000
Is that supposed to be Unabomber?

>>43708418
i dont actually know the original source for the pic. But yes, i assume so.

>>43699000
yeah i never fit either of those it was

>> I cant transition because (too tall)
which is the same as
>> I cant transition because i wont pass

but i would have done it anyway if it werent for the following false assumption:
>trying hrt is a permanent decision because it instantly sterilizes you and you get bone hurting disease

i also fucking hate doctors psychs shrinks pharmacists and the whole medical industry

and the literal second i figured out it wasnt a life long necessity like diabetes and i could just try it and stop i ordered diy the same day never looked back and now i dont even care if it was a life long necessity

>>43705363
>I'd much rather kms than detransition
yeah i still have doubts and imposter syndrome and im probly not gonna social transition but i doubt i would ever stop e for real. i might just to see what happens but summer is here now even thinking about hypothetically stopping for two weeks gives me panic attacks about being stinky and hairy

>>43705925
>You probably masked and are never yourself anyway so it’s all up in the air
this could be true for me and i wouldnt care. its just such a huge qol improvement, literally even if its placebo which it certainly fucking isnt. i have a sneaky body hair that escaped the razor for six months that i pressed in paper like a flower and you can literally see the transition where it gets like 4x smaller in diameter and goes blonde.

im unsure about the social consequences of visual changes(chest) to strangers and acquaintances but that is definitely not the same as not wanting it. OP you should consider that and see if you have conflicted feelings are tied up and if you can separate them

>>43708418
what you didnt know he was a troon and the fbi drugged him with lsd/

>>43699000
I relate to this a lot, took me almost a decade to do anything as well. at one point the indecisiveness just tipped to 'this is never getting better, just troon out' and I did
>real reppers
why are you comparing yourself to them even? you are questioning your gender, you aren't repping. (this is a good thing)

Ig ill turn another one of my threads to shit lol:

So i made this one cuz it just idly crossed my mind. But my (OP) current situation isnt actually the one in the post. The post is how i felt pre hrt.

But i took it now, for like 7 months. Specifically cuz i just wanted to be done being unsure and hoped for clarity from it.

Problem is: While i liked what it was doing (sometimes a lot). It turns out im incredibly anxious about breast growth lol. Its scary to me a bit. But even thats not the whole story cuz sometimes i also really like that it makes me look more fem, but it also doesnt stop me being scared about developing dysphoria around them.

In light of that:

>>43709962
> at one point the indecisiveness just tipped to 'this is never getting better, just troon out' and I did
Same, but now im even more confused.

>>43709217
> im unsure about the social consequences of visual changes(chest) to strangers and acquaintances but that is definitely not the same as not wanting it. OP you should consider that and see if you have conflicted feelings are tied up and if you can separate them
No idea if u meant me but its relevant to me so ill answer anyways: Yeah idk if its just that or a genuine an internal problem i have.

>>43709962
>why are you comparing yourself to them even? you are questioning your gender, you aren't repping. (this is a good thing)
Also forgot to reply to that:

Idk, i think because i relate(d) to the misery of reppers lol. Of having this thing that you feel like you should do/would better your life. But feeling incapable of even trying.

At least like pre hrt where
> I hate myself for not even having tried yet
was a major factor in getting me to try it.

>>43710372
>>43710486

>Problem is: While i liked what it was doing (sometimes a lot). It turns out im incredibly anxious about breast growth lol.
I also relate to this so much lol. I'm still only a few months on e but breast growth also scares me. tho it's mostly due to being scared of being visibly trans and unsafe as a result, but there's also this uncertainty for me still that I am somehow making a mistake and that I am not really trans. the idea of getting top surgery to remedy this mistake then scares me because what if I actually was trans and can't grow breasts anymore. lol.
this anxiousness also got way worse for me after I was outed against my consent and lost all my safe spaces as a result but that's not really important lol it's just funny how similar your feelings are to mine
>Idk, i think because i relate(d) to the misery of reppers lol. Of having this thing that you feel like you should do/would better your life.
yea I did the same lool. wonder if it's connected to the breast thing somehow. I sort of feel alienation to other trans people and like I'm not really trans a lot of the time
>But my (OP) current situation isnt actually the one in the post. The post is how i felt pre hrt.
why would you do this. are you just bored or dissociating out of your mind trying to figure out if you should stop e because you are faketrans

>>43710769
Ok yeah we sound v. similar around the breast growth thing lol. Only difference is that, while i do also care about breasts getting visible being scary (in fact my plan was kinda to manmode in perpetuity lol), its the lesser worry rn for me i think.

And i also agree on top surgery being scary bc what if that too is a mistake. That would suck as well. But i also think its scary cuz surgery scary + idk if im like capable of organizing it at all on my own + scared of complications/scars and healing process. Like if i can help it id like my chest to stay as natural & unharmed as possible.

> I was outed against my consent and lost all my safe spaces as a result
fuck im so sorry that sounds awful :C. I actually once got outed against my consent as well, luckily not many consequences tho. Altho it was prehrt and did kinda scare me back to repping for a few years longer, but like not because of external reasons i was just too ashamed of it to face it "publicly" atp qwq.

But yeah i dont have a reason for it, for me it just kinda started at month 2-3 of hrt and hasnt let up since :c (month 7-8 rn).

> wonder if it's connected to the breast thing somehow.
wdym?

> I sort of feel alienation to other trans people and like I'm not really trans a lot of the time
Same, i still feel like im "just trying it out" and i actually kinda am still not sure im trans yet.

> why would you do this.
Kinda, im dealing with the anxiety by incessantly thinking about it and trying to consider this whole thing from like every possible POV. Just randomly thought of the difference in the OP to maybe be notable and wanted to see what others thought. And if i lead with my current situation it just tends to derail the thread from what i actually made it for ime.

> are you just bored or dissociating out of your mind trying to figure out if you should stop e because you are faketrans
So yeah this kinda.

>>43711190
>I actually once got outed against my consent as well, luckily not many consequences tho.
yea it's the worst. was to my family and I am unfortunately still living with them for a few months. but its getting better I hope. for now everyone seems just to be ignoring it happened at all but my brain is constantly fearmongering.

>wdym
as in, I wonder if us having browsed repgen even before we considered ourselves trans, or reppers, or taking e is somehow connected to now feeling anxious about breast growth, because it's something I don't see talked about super frequently by most trans people.

>"just trying it out"
haha same

your situation sounds super stressful too, especially with the constant anxiety. I always cope with the fact that a cis man would likely have developed dysphoria or at least discomfort if they were growing breasts. if it wasn't for the fear, I am mostly neutral on them, and even had occasional euphoria (pre-outing only sadly)
also if you are this uncomfortable have you looked at taking meds to stop breast growth? I'm not deep into it at all due to being on DIY anyways (and not wanting to fuck with my hormones more than I already do), but I know some options do exist.

>>43711690
>the fact that a cis man would likely have developed dysphoria or at least discomfort if they were growing breasts
nta but 'true' trannies develop discomfort about their breasts too and hrt femboys do exist, yk?
stop worrying so much about whether you're "real" or "true" or w/e. do you like the outcomes? if yes, carry on. it not, stop.
i had zero dysphoria and i still have zero dysphoria but i'm post op. it's a distraction to overthink whether you're "real" or not. even worse to judge that against the opinion(s) of anons online.
t. mef

>>43711690
> for now everyone seems just to be ignoring it happened
Thats what (kind of) eventually happened for me too. But it was weird for me, they were all super supportive and open and stuff. It was exclusively me that couldnt deal with it and just shut down the conversation anytime they would bring it up....

> I wonder if us having browsed repgen even before we considered ourselves trans, or reppers, or taking e is somehow connected to now feeling anxious about breast growth
Maybe in a sense, sometimes i feel like its bad i found tttt and adjacent spaces before i took E. I feel like if i still had a more sneed-y conception of being trans when i took E i may well have been fine.

> I always cope with the fact that a cis man would likely have developed dysphoria or at least discomfort if they were growing breasts.
Yeah i cant, kinda. Because if i am currently (or have already) developing dysphoria or discomfort about them is exactly what im anxious about :/

Tho on the other hand, what cis guy would have had small episodes of euphoria about them? That is kinda what kept me going.

> pre-outing only sadly
damn that sucks, im sorry :c

> have you looked at taking meds to stop breast growth?
Eh not really, i know of them but nothing else. Im not on DIY tho and iirc diy is the only way to get them and id feel weird doing sth like that behind the endos back.

Also results are mixed iirc. Plus parts of me were always like "ok but what if i like em more when they are more fully grown/shaped" so that sometimes also made me not do it.

Also im a lil scared they might stunt it permanently, esp if its shape-wise. If its just "pausing" it and nothing else id be fine. But if theres a chance they impact growth even after stopping them then idk. (I dont actually know if they do desu, didnt look into it much, but if they did that would be a p. big downside)

Partially also a reason "just getting a binder" to fix it, cuz i heard they might affect growth too :c.

>>43711760
>do you like the outcomes? if yes, carry on. it not, stop.
nta but, while its true, its easier said than done when u arent sure if you like it :/. Or if u like some bits but not others.

>>43711938
(cont.)

Also it doesnt matter cuz i actually stopped HRT now. Tho its not even been a week yet and its not like im set on permanently stopping.

Kinda just pausing in the hopes itll somehow help to clarify things. So far idk tho, still posted on here about my anxiety near daily anyways lol.

>>43711938
>they were all super supportive and open and stuff.
that's nice at least. I don't mean to dismiss your case and this is always a pretty big violation of trust and boundaries, but sadly that wasn't really the case for me. I was interrogated and directly asked if I am just pretending to be trans, which perfectly fueled my anxieties around being faketrans and I started spiraling about them again.
>just shut down the conversation anytime they would bring it up....
I may be reaching here, but do you feel you are inconveniencing them with your transition? I feel like that a lot and what you describe seems similar to that. if it's something else lmk if you want

>I feel like if i still had a more sneed-y conception of being trans when i took E i may well have been fine.
yeah something like that. also think it's possible that repgen attracts people who question their gender intensely but never feel quite like a 'real' trans person, or their idea of a trans person anyway.

>if i am currently (or have already) developing dysphoria or discomfort about them
I see, it read to me previously like you were just anxious at potentially developing dysphoria around them in the future. sorry if my cope came off as weird.

>>43711995
>Also it doesnt matter cuz i actually stopped HRT now
curious to hear what you are waiting to clarify lol. are you just kinda waiting to see if your dysphoria comes back? if you can tolerate life off e?
either way I've thought about it too but am usually rather quick to dismiss the idea because I don't know how much I can trust my own judgement on it lol. would be curious to hear your results too.

>>43705148
Looks like you inadvertently answered my repgen post
>>43703727
I really thought I explored every avenue in my seven-ish years of repquestioning but now this is a whole new rabbithole to explore.

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>>43699000
Picrel is so me ngl.

>>43705148
NTA but I feel like this was literally me, at least regarding being a woman. A few months ago my life got twist turned upside down and I became really obsessed with being trans because it "made sense" but now I realize that I'm just a cis man on HRT, or at least I'm going to try it for a month or two before committing fully. My DBT therapist says it makes sense for me to do. Helps that even when I was pretty confident before my traumatic incident I was semi-seriously considering getting on HRT.

>>43710372
>But my (OP) current situation isnt actually the one in the post. The post is how i felt pre hrt.
lol ok
>It turns out im incredibly anxious about breast growth lol.
just that?
>scared about developing dysphoria around them.
yeah me too but i would not and never have considered it if the reverse dysphoria assholes around here didnt post. im scared of reverse dysphoria generally but not really that it will happen to me if i think rationally
>now im even more confused.
idk i did a lot of thinking before hrt. like idk what the colloquial definitions of denial vs repping are but i dont even know if i was really repping bc i consciously chose not to take hrt but considered myself trans for like 5 years at least. i was in denial for about 10 before that.
>No idea if u meant me
i mean yeah i did. i just didnt mean that specifically cause thats really prominent compared to other things. like for me, i want them 100% but i dont want male attention because of them, any kind, nonsexual or otherwise, at all, ever. i just dont really have much intention to socially transition its more like an antidepressent with a physical side effect i happen to enjoy a lot. and its the only thing that makes me have serious doubts that im doing something stupid i will regret. but thats because its physical and obvious and others will definitely notice. if i didnt have to wear layers as ppe at work i would be a lot more worried but im just gonna use the corp to transfer out of state if i ever feel like changing to a more neutral ambiguous name or drastically altering my presentation, which i might. i have no problem with family noticing or random strangers in public. if anything i want to be perceived more fem to repel people attracted to masc so its kinda a bonus.

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>>43710372
but that specific question is a little more direct than what i meant which is do you want it for you or for others and is your doubt for self or for others. it sounds like you think you have serious self doubt? anyway i dont, at all. i want it all and am getting exactly what i signed up for and its fucking great. any remaining doubt is about social consequences.

>>43710769
>tho it's mostly due to being scared of being visibly trans and unsafe as a result
yeah same, but also im big, well tall, but skinny. so probably physically safe one on one. if they dont initiate contact lol.
>but there's also this uncertainty for me still that I am somehow making a mistake and that I am not really trans
not me
>I sort of feel alienation to other trans people
me
>and like I'm not really trans a lot of the time
not me

i had a lot of years to think about it, and im pretty sure i just momentarily thought i was enby coping because hrt was so exciting that i must be binary trans. so now im nb coping again because women are not six feet tall, but also i kinda id that way. except im definitely transfem no question. but none of this means i dont want breasts i really do and tbqh it has kinda always been one of my bigger dysphoria(or even dysmorphia, i never had pecs either) triggers. but there is a new development where i am coming to terms with being butch?? i dont know whats going on and will have to go irl one day to find out but the "do you want to be with her or be her" question has been central to this for me.

o fuck im blogging

>>43711938
im gonna bloog [cjaracter lymit]

>>43711938
>It was exclusively me that couldnt deal with it and just shut down the conversation
relatable. except no one knows except one person who is also trans and not on hrt but they presumably think im still not either.

>>>43711938
>I feel like if i still had a more sneed-y conception of being trans when i took E i may well have been fine.
is that supposed to mean normie? i absolutely would not have done it without /hrtgen/ and diy. first time i even considered it 25 years ago was 420chan /cd/ and i decided to order dissociative research chemicals about it instead.

>>43711995
>still posted on here about my anxiety near daily anyways lol.
interesting. my social anxiety evaporated and suddenly all my coworkers started being friendly and talking to me every day like a month after starting after over a year of never being acknowledged by anyone but managment. its rly fucking weird and i still cant understand or explain it esp since i started growing out my hair and have an ugly af mullet . apparently it really did a number on my resting bitch face idk

>>43712255
>I was interrogated and directly asked if I am just pretending
thats beyond fucked.
>do you feel you are inconveniencing them with your transition
nta, but YES

>>43705148
idk about this one. i relate to op a lot in some ways and if anything my relation to gender is very autism coded. i cant tell what you are trying to say tho, or if your implying something is fake.

>>43713956
>My DBT therapist says it makes sense
so you just do it anway even tho your not trans?

>>43711960
>its easier said than done when u arent sure
desu i think you just need time and a think. but honestly you should probly stay on e. just be a cis man on hrt if you have to at the bare minimum you wont get more hairy and can save yourself from that pain later. wait is this even op? i know theres at least two of you now. i was >>43709217 but ive been gone all day.

>>43711690
>having browsed repgen
i avoided trans content like a plague cause i knew what would happen lol
>it's something I don't see talked about super frequently by most trans people.
i think its the number one concern for a lot of people that post here? like there are daily threads of people asking about Ralox and if its worth it and people daily posting about how they changed their mind and love their breasts and crying about how to get them bigger lmao. idk maybe im getting away with it because i was so flat and had such tiny nips that im now just approaching avg cis male size nipples lmao

>>43714189
>so you just do it anway even tho your not trans?
Yeah. I feel like I'm a half tranny, don't wish I was a girl and don't want to identify with the community, just think the benefits of HRT are nice and outweigh the drawbacks.

>>43705148
Im 100% like this. What's the solution?

ah fuck you guys i have tits now. i was just saying how i dont have to worry about it until they stick out further than my stomach and we have arrived

>>43712255
> I was interrogated and directly asked if I am just pretending to be trans,
Fuck that sounds awful :c. Tho i dont have a backstory to my doubting, it kinda just started 2-3 months into HRT, another reason why i fear my doubts might point to an actual real concern and arent just anxiety.

> but do you feel you are inconveniencing them with your transition?
Nah its not that, i think it was mostly that for as long as i can remember i was incredibly ashamed of any cross gender stuff. Like even things like crossdressing or just having a desire to before i even thought about being trans. I just kinda knew it wasnt acceptable and had always been super ashamed of it. That then extended to being trans.

So when i was outed against my will i think i was just too ashamed still to openly admit to anyone that i thought i might be trans, and why or talk about it :c.

The same shame also kept me from experimenting with fem stuff too. Though funnily enough HRT kind of got me completely over it? I have v. little shame about it now and am super open to my family.

They even know about like my anxiety around breasts and i frequently vent to them about it lol.

Mayb its bc now, having tried hrt and even liked it at times, i feel weirdly liberated from potentially just being a "confused crossdressing fetishist man". Cuz they dont usually try hrt and then occasionally feel properly alive & truly happy with their body for the first time ever lol.

Even if im also mayb not quite trans, since "real trans people" might not get such an anxiety about it like i did either.

> repgen
Yeah i think i fit that well. I questioned intensely but never felt sure i was trans. I mostly felt, and still feel, like i cant call myself trans, i usually just say "i might be".

> anxious abt developing dysphoria
Thats the fun part, sometimes i think im just anxious about it in the future becoming dysphoria (but not now). And sometimes i think it might already be. Its not consistent at all :/

>>43712255
(cont. of >>43715747)

> are you just kinda waiting to see if your dysphoria comes back? if you can tolerate life off e?
Yeah kinda. But again my motivation wildly varies and ive already considered a couple of times getting back on it.

I do kinda hope i feel worse again so im more convinced to stay on E. And, while i dont think i have dysphoria* i do kinda hope i get some now bc at least itd clarify things.

*(this might be another one of my weird hangups, like not considering myself trans, i prob have a few experiences that could qualify as dysphoria, but i was never comfortable calling it that)

So yeah thats why kinda. But also, since im so anxious about breast growth, at least pausing it until i figure sth out just seems sensible. I also just wanna try it, i tried Estrogen for months now and (unfortunately) the anxiety never just went away, i kinda just kept adding more and more reasons as to why it might (or might not) be a serious fear lol. So might as well try not taking Estrogen and see what i think then.

> quick to dismiss the idea because I don't know how much I can trust my own judgement on it lol.
wdym? like being able to tell how u feel off o E?
Cuz if so same, the thing im the most afraid of is that ill get a bit more uncomfortable (but not enough to force myself back on E) while also still being constantly anxious.

> would be curious to hear your results too.
So far idk, the anxiety is kinda still there but a lil alleviated bc i know my breasts arent growing anymore. Tho honestly im a lil sad? Idk i wish i felt worse already lowk so i could get back on E lol.

Otherwise i think im getting a bit of new anxiety about re-masculinizing. On E i loved sometimes hugging myeslf n stuff, cuz soft lol. But now i just check myself and get a lil anxious about if/how much i already feel less soft again :c.

Same with like seeing my tummy look a bit bigger, is that already fat redistribution getting undone or am i hallucinating?

>>43714151
>just that?
Yeah that is the only thing basically. Every other effect of HRT (besides a few minor annoying ones) is completely desirable to me. Like i have no anxiety about softer skin, less body hair or fat redistribution etc. In fact those all seem exclusively very positive to me.

> thats really prominent compared to other things. [...] because its physical and obvious and others will definitely notice.
Yeah i agree with these as well. My problem is just that idk if these are my only issue with breasts, and the rest is maybe just the inherent weirdness of growing a new body part and getting used to that, being amplified by me being a very anxious person in general. Or if i have these problems with it being visible but also some genuine concern about just not liking breasts on my body :c.

> i just dont really have much intention to socially transition its more like an antidepressent with a physical side effect i happen to enjoy a lot.
This was what i was thinking too, I didnt (& dont) plan on social transition/girlmoding and just wanted to manmode and hope hrt makes me less depressed and a bit happier with myself privately.

Tho i never expected to love having breasts, i kinda just expected to get used to them instead and thats it.

Instead i ended up loving them at times, but while also being super anxious (and potentially legitimately uncomfortable (?)) about them as well :/.

It sucks lol.

gm everynona
>>43714197
>i think its the number one concern for a lot of people that post here?
it might be. I'm not super active on the board these days and even back when I was I mostly kept to repgen. Tho I am certain that a vast majority of trans people are actively euphoric about and desire breast growth, even pre hrt.

>>43714315
>I feel like I'm a half tranny, don't wish I was a girl and don't want to identify with the community
just out of curiosity, how long have you been on e?

>>43715747
>Tho i dont have a backstory to my doubting, it kinda just started 2-3 months into HRT
I assume you mean doubts related to breast growth? how did you feel about them before starting e? you questioned for a long time

>i was incredibly ashamed of any cross gender stuff
idk if it's upbringing or society as a whole but this absolutely sucks too, sorry that happened nona :(
I'm glad you are doing better now, at least in regards to shame.

>wdym? like being able to tell how u feel off o E?
yeah pretty much, I meant as in 'trust mz judgment at all, on a certain topic'. idk if I could feel bad enough off e to convince myself to start again just because I don't trust how I feel.
1/2

>>43714166
> do you want it for you or for others and is your doubt for self or for others.
Unfortunately it seems like my doubt is also for myself, at least a little. Though im still not entirely sure, part of me keeps hoping its just anxiety and not an actual concern but idk.

> it sounds like you think you have serious self doubt?
Yeah, maybe, and i hate it

> i dont, at all. i want it all and am getting exactly what i signed up for and its fucking great. any remaining doubt is about social consequences.
giwtwm

cont >>43715910

>>43715795
I didn't want to infringe on your decision previously, but desu it sounds like you really desire the effects of hrt but are just scared. like a lot of the stuff you wrote suggests you are just desperately waiting for signs to get back on e, and like, why don't you just do? you seem to clearly want to.
>But also, since im so anxious about breast growth, at least pausing it until i figure sth out just seems sensible
if you're not ready to DIY this could just turn into a perpetual anxiety and you need to be careful not to get stuck on constantly waiting for the right moment. repping (or questioning or whatever) was similar to this for me and I regret it a lot.

>>43715949
I did not type that 'desu' and I missed it while proofreading how tf

>>43715961
ok so does this mean people are manually typing desu as tbhon lmao

>>43714197
> people daily posting about how they changed their mind and love their breasts and crying about how to get them bigger lmao.
Part of me still thinks i should just keep staying on E in the hopes ill turn out like that eventually.

> idk maybe im getting away with it because i was so flat and had such tiny nips that im now just approaching avg cis male size nipples lmao
Idk my nipple size pre E, but i do know i was extremely flat before (like only 1-2cm difference in underbust/bust circumference).

But part of me kinda wonders if that makes it more confusing for me. Since im so incredibly not used to having a not flat chest (even by male standards).

Altho speaking of nips: Im unsure about breast growth, but i actually like that my areola got bigger lol. Looks better imo than tiny male ones imo. Altho i do fear them getting too big, rn they are closing in on the female average (at least according to wikipedia), but also theres lots of variance apparently so i would still prefer them to not grow much beyond that.

>>43714189
> i absolutely would not have done it without /hrtgen/ and diy.
Im a lil similar abt this. Im not doing DIY tho. But this place did push me to starting HRT, which even if i stopped now/might regret it i still think was a good choice overall.

Mostly since in here hrt repping/manmoding and stuff like that is presented like more of an option. And u get encouraged to do it for like mental effects and stuff as well. And just an attitude of "just try it out" seems a bit more prevelant in here than other places.

> first time i even considered it 25 years ago was 420chan /cd/ and i decided to order dissociative research chemicals about it instead.
Fuck im sorry, that sounds like a super tough history in terms of like gender questioning :c.

> my social anxiety evaporated
Weirdly enough same, tho mayb in a different way. Its less that ppl treated me differently.

But instead i got oddly a lil more confident on hrt sometimes? Like more willing to like, interact with ppl and try stuff and like exist in the world kinda ig.

This is really intangible, but it was also one of those things that made (and still make me) feel like HRT may still be right for me. Cuz somehow i became a bit more confident (sometimes) after starting, which seems a bit like a hint it might have been a good choice lol.

>>43715910
gm <3

> Tho I am certain that a vast majority of trans people are actively euphoric about and desire breast growth, even pre hrt.
Im the breast anxiety anon/OP (& not who u are replying to) so not really my usual position, but:

There is something to be said about how its kinda just inherently weird to grow a new body part like that.

Especially if its such a kinda stigmatized one that is also super visible and has social implications and stuff. Like even cis women sometime struggle with these things during puberty.

So maybe you (and I) overestimate a bit how much other trans ppl are *only* euphoric about it and never have doubts or anything. Since from this perspective anxiety around it is kinda reasonable.

Anyways this kinda cope kept me taking HRT often as well despite the anxieties.

> how did you feel about them before starting e?
Completely neutral. It wasnt usually something i desperately desired. But i was kinda just expecting to get used to them and thats it. Maybe enjoy that (womens) clothes fit better now with them. Kinda just didnt give it much thought iirc (which i regret a lil now).

> idk if I could feel bad enough off e to convince myself to start again just because I don't trust how I feel.
Yeah im scared of that as well :c

>>43715949
> like a lot of the stuff you wrote suggests you are just desperately waiting for signs to get back on e, and like, why don't you just do? you seem to clearly want to.
Because its just so inconsistent. Sometimes i agree that i seem to kinda just want to but am just scared, other times i think my concerns may very well be real :c.

> could just turn into a perpetual anxiety
yeah ik, i was the same while repping.

I do have a stash of E (explicitly waited until after last endo visit to get a new prescription first before i stop), im not on DIY (nor ready for it), but i havent told my endo im stopping or anything. If they drop me now or sth i at least still have some E thats supposed to last till like 2028.

>>43716067
>So maybe you (and I) overestimate a bit how much other trans ppl are *only* euphoric about it and never have doubts or anything.
you're probably right. I looked at some numbers and 'only' 84% of trans people rate them as high priority/highest priority for bodily changes. tho the same study also lists facial hair at 85% so who knows.

>I do have a stash of E (explicitly waited until after last endo visit to get a new prescription first before i stop)
that's a smart way to go about it at least. E lasting until '28 is crazy too, most endos I've seen only prescribe e for a few months at a time (except if you re-use vials more often than you're supposed to).
something I was curious about before, but didn't really think to mention and distract from the topic at hand, is how did you get an endo to prescribe you hrt? unless you're doing informed consent diagnostic criteria seem super strict in most parts of the world atm, and I know for a fact that if you described your condition to doctors where I'm from the way you did here (constant questioning but not certain incongruence/dysphoria and only wanting hrt to look for clarity) they wouldn't prescribe you hrt. part of why I went diy. did you lie or were your doctors chill with the uncertainty?

oh i forgot to mention. i said you probly need time. and i meant that like things sorta just get revealed to you after a while that really throw you for a loop and you would never expect or predict but are super obvious in retrospect. your mind will do the absolute strangest things to rationalize and

>>43715747
>feel properly alive & truly happy with their body for the first time ever lol.
>Even if im also mayb not quite trans
lmfao

>>43715882
yeah no i mean i dont feel dissimilar about it i just think the pros out weight the cons i guess thats what im really sure about?i think ... maybe. i mean especially if you count all of effects its still like ok worth i guess unfortunate side effect oh well.
>>43715981
im talking no difference in circumference lol. mine doubled shockingly fast and people said i was placebo but i wasnt

>>43716003
>And just an attitude of "just try it out" seems a bit more prevelant in here than other places.
idk theres a lot of implicit you shouldnt if you dont have pass potential type posting. thats what wrepped me. but yeah its better than before
>confident
yeah, that too. its just that while i do and am more willing to interact i dont initiate.

who doesnt have dysphoria? are you sure about that?

>>43716067
>Since from this perspective anxiety around it is kinda reasonable.
im the non-doubting doubter and thats how i feel. like i pretty much am just as concerned its just very not the same as my actual anxiety its more like nervous anticipation internally and anxiety about being forced out publicly before im ready externally.
>i seem to kinda just want to but am just scared
yeah see im kinda feel like i should stop just to test but im way more scared of that lol. like i want to see if its just some kind of incredibly unlikely coincidence that i too feel "properly alive & truly happy with their body for the first time ever" since after starting i gained the motivation to make a bunch of positive life changes. what if it was placebo all along. what if i stop and continue feeling good. what if i stop and everything falls apart

its 4 am and injection day and i forgot because im really high and mending some patches. its the only time i really doubt. sometimes i fall asleep but i always do it first thing in the morning. thats another thing. i dont doubt at all when im sober, which i find very... unexpected. one might think a delusion would present the other way around

>>43715972
Yes. I do it very deliberately

>>43714315
nta but you can do just that
trannies insist im a woman bc i had srs but im like... neah, lol
the community has too many brainworms atp

>>43716254
>E lasting until '28 is crazy too
Oh yeah no u misunderstood/i worded it badly. I meant as in like the expiration date is in 2028. Ie: If i dont restart again i will only no longer have a stash by 2028.

I think if i were to take the same dose again itd last like 3-4 months. Mayb 4-5 if i deliberately wanted to stretch it by taking a lower dose ig.

> how did you get an endo to prescribe you hrt?
Im german, we dont have informed consent im doing it entirely "above the board". Like officially i am diagnosed as trans.

So basically: I had a single therapist since i turned 14. I even once brought up i might be trans to her early on (but then stupidly decided to not think about it/pretend it was nothing).

When i was 17-18yo it entered my mind again and after like half a year or sth i brought it up to her again. She wasnt super useful desu, and the topic kept coming up sometimes and then being dropped again in therapy.

(Meanwhile i was still questioning about it nearly 24/7 tho)

Eventually @ like 21/22yo or sth i get tired of it + shes only a therapist for young ppl and would have to drop me soon. So i ask her if she would write me the indication that allows starting HRT. "So i have it if i wanna use it/dont have to wait for another therapist to diagnose me".

And she did. Im p. certain we talked about it some more, so its not like she did it w/o thinking. But idk my memory is bad. But yeah im grateful she did it, but on the other hand it not at all being sth she was an expert in + her just not being a great therapist iirc makes me fear she might have partially done it as like a favor or sth.

Tho she also did see how it kept coming up as an issue i had for YEARS, and while i dont know anymore what exactly we talked abt i prob at least sometimes said some kinda trans-ish things. So she might still have totally been in her right to diagnose me as trans?

Idk, anyhow thats how i managed to get the legal pre-requisite done to get HRT legally/the official way.

>>43716277
>need time
Ig i might thats true, but i also dont like that. Ive been mulling over being trans for at least 7 years daily. Arguably the first time i considered it was 10 years ago or perhaps even a little more.

I just wanna be fucking done with it. But u are right mayb i do just need more time. Tho i also spend so much time introspecting and ruminating (probably an unhealthy amount even), i honestly have no idea what secrets my mind could still possibly hold from me that could somehow result in a revelation and finally being sure :/

> lmfao
Ik it sounds stupid but its really how i feel rn unfortunately :c.

On one hand i suddenly started sometimes liking what i look like and started taking pictures of myself and stuff and feeling more confident sometimes. I have hundreds of topless pictures of myself now where im just smiling like an idiot. And in these moments i did like maybe for the first time ever like what i look like kinda and sometimes really was happy with it in a way that i think i never felt like before.

But also they were super fleeting, and often almost immediately overshadowed with anxiety and fear. Like what if its just placebo? What if im making myself act like this? What if i do actually hate having breasts? What if its a coincidence this started after HRT? Maybe i could have liked what i look like before too and just never tried?

I really wish i wasnt like this, i wish i was just trans and could get these happy emotions and finally know in my hear of hearts what i am and what i want. But im just not like that, and isntead i will forever be a confused miserable anxious nothing :c

>>43716463
>i mean especially if you count all of effects its still like ok worth i guess unfortunate side effect oh well.
I wish i was like that :c. Instead i hyper focus on the one thing i *might* not like and drive myself insane.

Arguably it makse sense tho, bc the one thing i (might) not like is unfortunately also the most visible, most extreme and most permanent effect.

> idk theres a lot of implicit you shouldnt if you dont have pass potential type posting. thats what wrepped me.
True, idk why but that never phased me? Not cuz i think i can pass, but mayb like cuz i was never super sure i wanted/needed to to be happy. Like by the time i was considering starting HRT "just to try" i think i had mostly made my peace with either just manmoding or being clocky.

> what if it was placebo all along. what if i stop and continue feeling good. what if i stop and everything falls apart.
Yeah i get that, altho i still have all these anxieties and i am currently pausing/stopping lol. But then again i also had "what if i keep going and everything falls apart/it turns out im wrong".

> i dont doubt at all when im sober, which i find very... unexpected. one might think a delusion would present the other way around
Yeah probably lol.

>>43716986
>Im german, we dont have informed consent im doing it entirely "above the board".
no way I'm german too x3
trans healthcare can be really hit-or-miss and it fully depends on how 'libertarian' your therapist/endo is. I do not fulfill the diagnostic criteria most health insurance providers require, but it definitely helped telling her back when you were 14. persistance of these 'thoughts' is one of the more important criteria to therapists it seems. tho they also got reworked in 2021, and if you are fortunate enough that your therapist had adapted these changes already, access might have been easier. depends very much on therapist in each case sadly.
the entire system is a mess desu, and I'm glad you got to navigate it this smoothly :)

>>43717221
>I'm glad you got to navigate it this smoothly :)
Me too, but i still wonder if i shouldnt have been allowed to and she was doing me a favor or sth.

Bc how it turned out i still have no idea if im trans or just delusional. Eventho im literally diagnosed as trans.

>>43717799
> but i still wonder if i shouldnt have been allowed to and she was doing me a favor or sth
diagnostic criteria is bs anyways and arbitrary in how they’re used by therapists. Pretty useless judge of whether someone is trans or not, unless you have conflicting illnesses

> trans or just delusional
I had the same cope pre-hrt. I researched actual delusions for a bit and came to the conclusion that it was pretty much impossible for me to be delusional. From how you’ve described your experience so far I would think it is highly unlikely you suffer from them as well. You can and should look into it yourself if this is a common cope for you.

>>43718441
Well i dont literally mean delusional, to the point of being "crazy" (although i do sometimes feel like that).

Maybe more accurately sth like "What if its just [different issue] and i just latched onto being trans for [reason]"

Where possible insertable values are like:
> Depression & because it sounded easier to take pills than do the work and touch grass
> Low Self Esteem & because trannies seemed to become so much more confident after transition
> That i wanted to be pretty & because i thought trannies were pretty
> Autism & because i misinterpreted my alienation as (maybe) being caused by like disassociation due to being trans instead

Or like a million other attempts to explain why i latched onto being trans as a thing i might be this hard without there actually being a good reason for it.

>>43718696
> Where possible insertable values are like
the most likely explanation is simply that you’re trans.

>>43718874
Thats what i used to think as well. But i really really really do not know anymore.

Eventho i desperately wished i did and could just finally accept i am or am not trans and stick to it.

But instead it feels like i was specifically cursed question my gender till the end of time lol.

Like trying HRT was supposed to be the "nuclear option" to finally get me out of this constant ruminating about it. But honestly it feels like it just made it worse :c. It sucks.

>>43719111
nta, but there's one single thing missing to cast your doubts away. If you can guess it, I'll give you twenty bucks and a cookie irl.

>>43719111
>i really really really do not know anymore
I don't really see any other explanation that comes close in likelihood as 'trans person doubting themselves' is just way too common

>Like trying HRT was supposed to be the "nuclear option" to finally get me out of this constant ruminating about it.
didn't you get an answer tho? you keep going on in different posts about how happy you were with the changes you got. the pics, feeling right in your body, etc. now that you're off e, even just for a week, you feel worse already. if you took the trans diagnosis entirely out of the equation, would you keep taking e simply because you like the changes?

>>43717067
>Ive been mulling over being trans for at least 7 years daily. Arguably the first time i considered it was 10 years ago or perhaps even a little more.
damn ok that sounds like enough time but i mean i did rep for a decade lol and im still learning new things about myself every day its pretty crazy

>Ik it sounds stupid
no its funny because its so relatable and also like classic very obviously trans behavior

>I have hundreds of topless pictures of myself now where im just smiling like an idiot
yeah.... my camara roll has no pics of my face or even body for years and years and years and then suddenly hundreds

idk i really relate to everything you are saying a lot lot lot even the doubt and anxiety, its just slightly different from me and i just...also know im trans? idk why

>>43717114
>I wish i was like that
>Arguably it makse sense tho
i mean it does make perfect sense. i just dont care. like im not actually depressed and havent been for a long while for real but the anhedonia and demotivation was really getting to me. like it just want really worth being alive before hrt it was just an absolute slog of a chore to do the bare minimum and feed myself. like i even quit smoking because i actually want to see future which is a serious 180 from secretly praying i get cancer cause im too cowardly to take the easy way. so in a sense this is the alternative to kms in slow motion.

>"what if i keep going and everything falls apart/it turns out im wrong".
yeah but everything was shit anyway before at least im doing something now. and like if everything falls apart because/and i have to go back to that then at least i tried everything and know im fucked for sure now. also a little but of owning my life and living for me and not caring if my happiness is an inconvenience to othrrs. like to the extent that some of my confidence even lets me not wear layers in public and just flaunt my absurd looking gyno because its hot weather and thats more comfy.

>>43719290
No idea what u are talking about lol

hey you didnt answer how you know you are not dysphoric

i read this a long time ago

https://genderanalysis.net/articles/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/

and i thought to myself, "thats just a bunch of vague nonspecific cope, its basically a horoscope" and it made me rep more because i thought the author was an eggroomer

except like my is it/isn't it doubt is exactly as strong as "ok but that really all was dysphoria". even adhd and depression. im not sure if i really have them or if it was just a maladaptive habit to cope with gender dysphoria. and ocd, gad, anorexia, autism, none of that is real its just new habits for life changes. my most consistance diagnosis was chronic untreatable med resistant unipolar depression that happened to magically start the same day as puberty and instantly vaporized the second i inject estrogen. all i have to do is put the worms on hold for a second and think rationally, and its just incredibly obvious that cant be a coincidence.

instead of doubting if you fit in a preconceived box just do what makes you happy do whatever you want its not important if you fit in the box and you will figure out your specific identity expression later. it might even be so difficult because you havent developed one yet. i certainly feel like i have some serious arrested development for someone middle age i feel like im still in my early 20s sometimes

>>43719290
i cant figure it out. tell us!

>>43719395
>didn't you get an answer tho
thinkin the same

>>43719762
yeah instead of doubting if youre trans just flip it around and doubt your anxiety! lel

>>43719762
How do you explain trannies who at age 7 were like "I feel like i'm a woman on the inside and looking at my dick makes me want to puke and hurt myself" and continued to confidently display such thoughts unaffected by outside variables

whenever i doubt and am feeling schizo i do my mantras i think to myself about how i can do whatever i want and no one can stop me and im getting everything i deserve. manifesting and law of attraction makes me feel fembrained. idk i think diy helps w that too

>>43719395
>I don't really see any other explanation that comes close in likelihood as 'trans person doubting themselves' is just way too common
Transgender OCD?
Unironically i only just now looked it up and unfortunately it hits a bit too close to home lol.

Tho some differences still, apparently it tends to be ppl that have a history of OCD but not a long history of gender questioning. Also kinda doesnt account for my brief episodes of what (might) be gender dysphoria/euphoria.

I dont really have a history of OCD, tho i could imagine it mayb being a thing & i do have a history of gender questioning.

So ig if its TOCD id have to have had it for years at this point & also never really had OCD about anything else (to this degree).

Unfortunately tho TOCD would 100% make sense for my recent incessant posting & thinking abt it since becoming unsure abt HRT early this year.

> now that you're off e, even just for a week, you feel worse already.
Idk, desu, i think the levels of anxiety and posting abt it are up, but not by a lot. i was also like this while on E sometimes. & Effects wise im a lil sad abt my skin texture seemingly being more rough already, but its not super awful i think.

> you keep going on in different posts about how happy you were with the changes you got
Yeah that is always the problem, i did really like it a lot sometimes...

> if you took the trans diagnosis entirely out of the equation, would you keep taking e simply because you like the changes?
Its already out of the equation since i dont really believe it lol. But would i take it still? Idk, the breast anxiety sucks, and part of me wonders how badly i actually wanted those other things...

>>43719821
i also had thoughts like that at ~5 yo they just werent the classic ones since im p nonbinary gnc anyway and dont have bottom dysphoria. idk i think specific personal manifestations are related to experiences and early childhood development. like i cried because i couldnt breastfeed my younger sibling like my mom did and thats one of my earliest memories. and had a lot of friends that were girls in elem school, but my parents were conservative so i also did "boys stuff" like bikes and climbing trees and sports cause it was pushed at me super hard and i liked a lot of it a lot and still bike and skate. i think it depends entirely on your relation/trust w your parents and teachers, like i also got diagnosed oppositional defiant(fighting, arson, vandalism) but in retrospect its expression was very obviously lashing out about gender. i dont trust my parents even today and am not out to them. even if my mom was supportive, which shes not since shes "boy mom" if you heard of that, she would insensitively gossip and spread conservative assumptions to people i dont know and not keep it private or to herself and then narcissistically act like im being unreasonable and gaslight me for asking her to have boundaries and be respectful of my feelings and my dad is an alcoholic prick that i dont talk to. so that explains my repping and worms pretty quickly imo. basically if you stop and think about it i bet you could come up with at least 10 things you did before puberty that are super trans-coded.

>>43719859
>part of me wonders how badly i actually wanted those other things
i dont and i know im not the only one. i mentioned that its common, at least on this board. pretty sure if there was something you could take that gave you everything but breasts and didnt have side effects like brain lesions of bladder cancer every single questioning nona and twink and half the 'cis' men would be on it. like maybe libido effects might deter some but for a lot of others its one of the bigger plusses. it might just be confirmation bias and me only opening threads i am interested in but when i came here questioning how prevent your body from outing you with such an obvious visual tell was a pretty constant topic which also makes perfect sense that would be a prominent concern considering the social abilities of the avg nona lol

>>43719717
>>43719783
You need to socially transition. After all, that is actually the source of your doubts.
You keep neurotically doubting whether this is the life you want to live, so go out and live that life.
You can start small, as small and as mundane as possible even, but do stuff that make you feel like you're self-actualizing yourself as a woman. Focus solely on the action and how it makes you feel. If you like it or are neutral towards it, keep going and pick a bigger change. Repeat the process for as long as it doesn't make you feel worse.

>>43719655
>no its funny because its so relatable and also like classic very obviously trans behavior
Yeah ik, id prob poke fun too if someone else posted sth like that lol. Tho again i do also genuinely feel conflicted unfortunately.

> yeah.... my camara roll has no pics of my face or even body for years and years and years and then suddenly hundreds
Yeaaaaahhhh..... Its exactly like that for me too. No pictures of myself at all for years, and now i have hundreds since february of this year.

Altho going back to TOCD, i now worry that that was just me trying to convince myself im trans by taking pictures where i like it to reassure myself with later on....

Also suspicious i started only bc i started looking in the mirror more often since my anxiety started. And then i sometimes felt better and took pics.

Instead of like idk, "organically" discovering i like what i look like more now?

> so in a sense this is the alternative to kms in slow motion.
I wasnt nearly as bad as you pre HRT. But yeah in part i also started cuz everything was a slog and i hoped it might help. And it kinda did at first, hell even just a month or two BEFORE i got the motivation to like (trying to) start doing skincare and keeping my room cleaner n shit.

But i also fear that its not HRT related but just bc i took any agency at all. Like isnt any large life change (u suspect to be positive) invigorating like that? And its not an HRT specific thing?

> like to the extent that some of my confidence even lets me not wear layers in public and just flaunt my absurd looking gyno
Yeah im ngl, i didnt really go thru with it, but a few times when i was a bit more "pro-trans" i felt a bit like doing that too lol.

>>43699000
those comics are so fucking ass

anyways take your meds bitch

>>43719987
oh. nta(second one quoted). im the non-doubting doubter. yeah i said way up thread i have no intention to socially transition. but one of the things that was revealed to me(i was mentioning other nona needs time, i do too still lol, blind leading the blind) during a shower thought yesterday after posting that was that my current anxiety about helping the only person who knows who irl who is trans to get on hrt is actually displaced anxiety about telling them i started hrt and my mind was protecting me from acknowledging that. its actually my primary concern in life rn and has been basically since i started 6 months ago lmao. i stupidly convinced myself it wasnt a big deal and sort of an auxiliary thing i could deal w later.

i realized that when i started debating if i should tell my best friend, that i really want someone to talk to in person about it, even if i dont want to socially transition at work or publically(yet, i guess), im kinda finally admitting i need some irl support.

>>43720019
>now i have hundreds since february of this year.
haha twins!
>i started looking in the mirror more often
like constantly

and probably the wrong thread but im kinda getting to be attractive and i really like my hair rn. actually i have a ton of anxiety about that because i hate hate hate haircuts and my twink mullet is going to out me way faster than my tits but i really really dont want to lose my growth progress and i cant "get a haircut" as a man and do a fucking bob with bangs rofl

>I wasnt nearly as bad as you pre HRT
yeah maybe thats why im so sure. i also did really stupid things like directly telling my friends and even long term gf that i was a girl, as a "joke", but this was back in ~2014 before trans discourse blew up

>just bc i took any agency at all
i am very bad and constancy and impulse control and yet i have found the motivation kept ALL of my new years resolutions for once

o look i blog agin

>>43719859
>Transgender OCD?
yea someone mentioned that two days ago iirc and there was a small discussion about it? and there is so much misinformation about tocd it's insane, but unless you actually exhibit ocd symptoms elsewhere I'm fairly sure it isn't that

>Yeah that is always the problem, i did really like it a lot sometimes...
>and part of me wonders how badly i actually wanted those other things...
nona... :(

nta after this

>Altho going back to TOCD, i now worry that that was just me trying to convince myself im trans by taking pictures where i like it to reassure myself with later on....
this is not what tocd is.

>And then i sometimes felt better and took pics.
>Instead of like idk, "organically" discovering i like what i look like more now?
don't you think if you were trying to fool yourself in the future you would've put unnatural effort into your presentation and then taken pics? instead of just taking them when you felt.,. pretty?

>>43720144
>my twink mullet is going to out me way faster than my tits
I wouldnt worry about that i think. I had the good sense to at least grow my hair out during my 7 years of questioning with only a handful of minor trims in between (probably too few actually).

And now/even before HRT i have waist/almost hip length hair (that i even started braiding sometimes after HRT lol).

P. sure that never outed me as anything. Well idk, mayb ppl thought/think its weird and that i was some kinda queer ig. But not like i ever noticed/no one ever asked me about it. But then again i barely go outside either lol.

> o look i blog agin
Dw that is basically what i use these posts for as well. If anything im happy someone is joining in lol.

>>43719987
Im the first one (and the one that wont get any cookies now :C) and yeah ig u might be right. Two problems tho kinda:

1. i already did that a lil. Im out to all my close family and friends.

2. i dont wanna. For one im scared i wont like it. But also if i do it and then gotta backtrack its awful. Ill forever be that weirdo that thought he was trans but isnt.

But yeah u are right. For example like a week or two ago, i woke up in my pjamas (nightdress, but nothing agp like just a kinda long shirt almost) and when i looked in the mirror i really liked what i looked like lol. Esp now with some breast growth denting it out a bit i think.

Kinda made me wanna get a proper good looking dress... And yeah ig if i did that and went mayb even met up w/ someone to do sth (tho ofc someone whod be fine with it + doing sth that wont get me harrassed), itd be incredibly helpful to figure out if im trans to see what i feel.

Its too scary tho lol. And minor stuff i did already, a bit ig, like braiding my hair now, or even just a lil trying to dress not like ass (this has not yielded much yet, but pre HRT i just wore dark oversized hoodies 24/7, so even just considering not doing that and wearing more color is kinda sth already).

Idk im rambling, what kind of small changes do u actually mean? Since i think i might be off here lol.

>>43719859
>Effects wise im a lil sad abt my skin texture seemingly being more rough already
i mean it really shouldnt, which means you would have to wait longer, which means im even more really adverse to trying this whole stopping to see what happens even though i think i need to thing. ive very internalized this whole testosterone is poison thing i dont want it so bad

>>43720628
>even before HRT i have waist/almost hip length hair
haha yeah that was me before i started repping. i tried to do the masc thing and be a good boyfriend and that ended in absolute disaster. actually... god im all over the place and just blogging atp.

>>43720628
>If anything im happy someone is joining in lol.
me too. i decided to just go w it cause someone else said they use posting as a journal or smth. i do it too just vomit unsolicited advice and opinions w no filter when i see something slightly interest but sometimes people think im hijacking threads. idk im trying to practice imposing myself in borderline annoying way bc i recently noticed that is something i appreciate a lot in others and want to do it irl to make friends bc i kinda rely on people forcefully imposing themselves on me as my only form of interaction and im worried it gives them the impression i dont like it/them when its so one sided.

gdi i just post limited agin

>>43720737(cont)
but actually thats probably why im so sure despite not mentioning it and deciding not to when i got close to bringing it up because i considered it off topic.

>>43720144 (me)
>this was back in ~2014 before trans discourse blew up
i kinda drove her to addiction and self harm because of my own worms and then she repeatedly cheated on me because i wasnt living up to expectations it was really unfair to her and she had a ton of self image issues without my stupid mess and none of my supposedly close friends told me what was going on either even though we lived together and i got a real job and we were playing house together. so i ditched all of them cause they were chud meth heads with no principles and went no contact neet from 2015 till after covid and missed all the opportunities to be normal and transition before john30.

that made me read a lot of postmodern marxist gender theory to understand at first why she was so fucked up and also why i was so fucked up, at this point still in denial. learned a lot of stuff about patriarchy and political economy that really sincerely fixed a lot of my brain problems. like an extension of something i already knew about depression and ssris being about making you go back to work and how its actually a rational response to a sick society/environment, adhd being a response to dopamine suppression from a genuinely uninteresting lifestyle, mark fisher stuff in there too... but again still in total denial despite directly telling said ex i was training her to be a lesbian for when i transition in the future roflmao. didnt realize i was trans until like a week before covid hit at which point my one remaining internet friend (who happens to be trans too lol) ditched me and i was totally isolated until last year.

2k chars is rly not a lot

>>43720532
> nona... :(
wdym? Are u upset at me going from "yeah i did actually like hrt effects sometimes i think" to "well actually idk how badly i wanted the hrt effects" within the space of a paragraph?

Cuz otherwise idk what u wanted to say with that. But if so: yeah it looks kinda silly, but its also what my brain is like rn.

> this is not what tocd is.
Isnt it kinda? Like if i was often just looking into the mirror & taking pictures to assure myself i liked the hrt effects - isnt that like assurance seeking/compulsion so fits exactly into (T)OCD?

> don't you think if you were trying to fool yourself in the future you would've put unnatural effort into your presentation and then taken pics? instead of just taking them when you felt.,. pretty?
Ok yeah sure ig, i did sometimes put effort in tho. Idk does anglefrauding/posing so my boobs looked rounder/i looked like i had more curves count as unnatural effort?

But yeah i think otherwise u are right. I usually went to the mirror to reassure myself, and then only took pics when i already felt like i looked pretty/good....

>>43720737
>ive very internalized this whole testosterone is poison thing i dont want it so bad
I kinda agree, in that i really dont like any of the effects of T/dont see a single upside basically.

But its not that internalized for me (unfortunately) otherwise id have an easier time not stopping too lol.

>i tried to do the masc thing and be a good boyfriend and that ended in absolute disaster.
Ouch :c. Luckily i never did anything like that. I think mayb cuz i always had this feeling i wont ever have a "normal" life anyways (for another non trans reason). So i never put effort in to fit into any social roles like that (and obv not masc ones lol).

Part of me kinda wants to try tho lol. Like i tried easing into being trans by questioning a bunch, i tried forcing it by hrt, and i tried "light" repping by attempting to distract myself. I havent tried hardcore repping yet...

>>43720788
>someone else said they use posting as a journal or smth.
I posted that a couple of days ago iirc so may have been me as well lol.

>>43720721
>mayb even met up w/ someone to do sth
kinda vague but if i read this correct thats another point for my no-doubt. back when i had long hair i dated a bi girl that ended up being gay and it didnt work out for that reason but that was my most comfy relationship ever

>>43720815
>wdym?
nta but this is obviously symp/empathy for having a similar experience and wanting you to get past it too with a bit of humor to the point your worms are so blatent its kinda endearing like you are being sorta silly

>>43720815
>I usually went to the mirror to reassure myself, and then only took pics when i already felt like i looked pretty/good....

>>43714444 (me)
ive literally gone to the br three times since this thread started and looked in the mirror and agp smirked at my stupid predicament. its so brazenly obvious idk what i was thinking i can just walk around without a flannel or layers but i cant stop its going to be over 40C next week and am going to continue to cope that my fat coworkers gyno is twice as big as mine so no one will notice despite their shape and the fact that having abs instead of a beer gut to go w it. but also theyre like little misquito bites its not undeniable(yet!)

>>43720815
>wdym? Are u upset at me going from "yeah i did actually like hrt effects sometimes i think" to "well actually idk how badly i wanted the hrt effects" within the space of a paragraph?
I'm not upset and I hope I don't come off as such. I know my texting style is kinda malebrained, sorry :(
it's more of a sadness to see someone struggling with something to a degree that your brain just does that from paragraph to paragraph, especially since I can kinda relate. but you got right what I was getting at

>isnt that like assurance seeking/compulsion so fits exactly into (T)OCD?
imo it doesn't really reach the criteria for a compulsion. liek, you didn't do anything special presentation wise and just took pics when you felt pretty. even if, wouldn't being on HRT for 8(?) months be an even bigger compulsion? and then finding compulsive behavior of the secondary effects of taking hrt is just not making sense to me.

>Idk does anglefrauding/posing so my boobs looked rounder/i looked like i had more curves count as unnatural effort?
no.

also I've completely lost track of who's posting besides OP atp. is it one or two people?

>2k chars is rly not a lot
very true.
also congrats on managing to transition while completely isolated nona, glad your life is going better now :)

>>43721060
>is it one or two people?
i think its mostly me(no-doubts), OP, and (You). but ive been wrong before

>>43699223
am trans woman (almost 4 years hrt), can confirm my repression before i realized i was actually trans and accepted myself was like this but it built up over time (in my case faster than it may be for you)

>>43721060
>managing to transition
im still early, a manmoder, latehon and old. insofar as ive done that its exclusive to mental/internal
>glad your life is going better now :)
yeah its p great ngl like every single day gets better i have a job now and they even want to promote me and i have diet and exercise and quit all my bad habits and started skin care and my acne cleared completely and i even have like work acquaintances i regularly talk too and stuff like an almost normal person. it does feel like fake it till you make it masking but its kinda nice and doesnt bother me as much as it would when i identified male, which was a lot. i was constantly seething about phonies like some kinda catcher in the rye larper and just generally being an angsty asshole. now i kinda just assume normies are doing their best with a shit situation not much unlike myself. people and the shenanigans they get up to are kinda cute

i even have the confidence to shave almost every day whereas only a month ago it was once a week. thats another one. when i realized i was trans in 2019 i started all the above stuff and gave up almost immediately stopped exfoliating and shaving. when i started hrt i powered through like two months of ingrown hairs and absolutely fucked complexion like i was climbing a mountain, and it worked out, and now ive been walking 10k steps sleeping 8 hrs a day without any refined carbs sugar or nicotine not missing a beat for >six months and i feel pumped with endorphins and energy like all the time. and its not the other way around, i had to start the hrt first to get the motivation for the rest. i only care about it all and want to take care of myself because i know im progressing towards something i want now instead of something i know i dont and the pictures and everything are just like reminders that yep its fucking working!! which just makes me more amped to keep going

>>43721049
>kinda vague
Yeah sorry bad phrasing. I actually meant like, going outside and doing sth while dressed (obviously) fem. And i was trying to figure out a way to phrase "Doing it with a supportive person & do something outside that wont get u harrassed". As in like trying to find a "safe-space" (and ppl) to try this stuff out with.

> its going to be over 40C next week
Yeah im scared of that too lol. Idk what i was thinking when i started but i think either that by summer they are still small enough to not be taken notice of. Or im happy enough with them i wont mind.

I only got the former a little bit (tho a friend told me its noticeable... But again he knows im on HRT + knows what i looked like before). As for the latter i obviously am not in a state of not minding my breast growth rn lol.

>>43721241
>insofar as ive done that its exclusive to mental/internal
that's still a lot lol. from what you described going from nothing/not caring about your body to that is still good progress. also I'm just glad to see others doing well. :)

>>43721089
>i think its mostly me(no-doubts), OP, and (You). but ive been wrong before
is >>43720721 OP too then? I got kinda confused around that message and thought someone else joined lol. not that it super matters as long as I have at least a little sense of who's who

>>43721060
>I hope I don't come off as such. I know my texting style is kinda malebrained, sorry :(
Nah u didnt come off like that dw, also ur texting style isnt malebrained if anything i thought that was a bit fembrained lol. Just was a bit hard to understand cuz its text only + not much context around it.

> you didn't do anything special presentation wise and just took pics when you felt pretty.
Kinda, but maybe the checking myself in the mirror so often part is compulsion then?

Also i have one thing i did a while ago. Sometimes, tho not recently (last time was mayb a month ago or more), id get suuuuuuuuper happy with the hrt effects. Like, crying in front of the mirror & jumping up and down in joy because i was so happy my body looked more feminine/female, kinds of happy.

And it felt like i was going insane lol. Cuz it was such a strong reaction. And eventually i started recording those reactions too when they happened. As like proof to myself that i did *really* like it sometimes. (These recordings were actually the reason i pushed thru my anxiety and took my meds at least a couple of times).

And idk is that compulsion? Prob not, but it did feel weird that i was like trying to have to prove to my future self i liked it. Didnt help that sometimes the joy felt a lil fake bc it was so sudden sometimes, extreme, but also fleeting (none of these episodes were longer than 15 min and id usually go back to doubting/anxiety soon-ish afterwards)

> wouldn't being on HRT for 8(?) months be an even bigger compulsion?
~ 7 1/2 months
Also how would i know if HRT was a compulsion? If i took the HRT to reassure myself im trans? I dont think i did, well mayb once or twice, but not usually. If anything i had to reassure myself before i took the HRT lol.

>>43721089
Yeah i think so too (im OP), in >>43721060 the first three things quoted are mine and the last one someone else.

>>43721392
Yeah i was >>43720721 as well.

Im surprised theres so many ppl here tho, normally my threads die way sooner lol. Was nice talking to you (two?) tho, even if nothing may alleviate my anxiety and confusion atp it did help a lil.

Im prob about to head to bed tho and im not expecting the thread to survive another night :/

>>43721241
waow happy for u it really sounds like its going quite well <3

also this is the exact kinda transformation i (OP) was vaguely hoping for when i started hrt. Like one of the things early on in questioning if im trans i put on the "pro" side. Was that i didnt really care for myself or my life, and i thought tha *maybe* id care more about these things if i was a girl/not male.

I even have small things in which it came true lol. Not nearly as many as u tho. Eg: i lost like 15kg just after/around the start of hrt due to eating more conciously/healthier. And some other things too, a few of which i think i already mentioned somewhere in here.

Technically another good sign im trans but i still think it could just be from a burst of motivation due to attempting a significant life change. And like not explicitly bc that change was hrt.

>>43721397
>Kinda, but maybe the checking myself in the mirror so often part is compulsion then?
this doesn't have anything to do with tocd even if it was, since you weren't actively looking to reassure yourself I think? you only sometimes took videos you said.

>Like, crying in front of the mirror & jumping up and down in joy because i was so happy my body looked more feminine/female, kinds of happy.
nona this is not tocd.

>And eventually i started recording those reactions too when they happened. As like proof to myself that i did *really* like it sometimes.
you sound like someone happy with their hrt effects and scared your anxiety will get the best of you in the future and make you stop. seems to have won for now. :(

>I dont think i did, well mayb once or twice, but not usually.
It just doesn't make sense logically to me. if you had tocd why would it let you take your meds for 2 months uninterrupted? compulsions are usually stuff you don't want to do afaik, and nothing here suggests you suffer from anthing you did as a 'compulsion'. it's just your anxiety beating you down constantly.

>Was nice talking to you (two?) tho
thanks !! was good talking to you too. was a nice change of pace from most ppl on this board.
I mostly spend time in repgen tho so it's probably my fault to a degree www. recent threads were so bad I just ventpost and ragebait myself by going there atp

>>43721295
>bad phrasing
yeah i thought you meant intimacy. thats something i didnt mention itt but being vulnerable, even solo, can help with discovery and reassurance

>>43721295
>knows what i looked like before
yeah ive been avoiding my friend i havent seen since last fall before i started cause i think hes gonna guess pretty quick he knows me well and i havent shaved regularly or grown my hair out in years and have dropped some mega hints about my identity and disposition in general that are simultaneously vague and ultra obvious in a if you know you know sorta way and theyre like pretty queer themselves. im just sorta knotted up about telling them or my sister first.

>>43721392
>also I'm just glad to see others doing well.
yeah. happy twitter girls pushed me over the edge. one of them said it was like that for them too so they want to be that for others. like just having examples of people being trans+happy is kinda a big deal. i think they phrased it as proud and hot lmao

>>43721397
>if anything i thought that was a bit fembrained
esp the apologizing

>>43721475
>normally my threads die way sooner lol
yeah i apprehensively did a 3 am bump right before you woke up because i felt weird about blogging 6k words and then the thread getting unrelated one sentence replies before hitting page 10 i was like fuck that

>>43699000
>> I cant transition because (some external factor)
>> I cant transition because i wont pass
hey coming back to this one OP, what would convince you that you were trans?
when i didnt think i was trans it was these two, and the fact that i wasnt transitioning. what changed my mind was when i read all the things like "you dont have to have dysphoria to be trans" and "you dont have to take hrt to be trans" which amounted to "you dont have to transition to be trans" and "trans is simply identifying as something other than your assigned gender"

like i entirely consciously wanted to be a girl but thought the fact that i was tall meant i couldnt be, which in turn meant i shouldnt do hrt because i wouldnt pass. that was literally the whole thing that stopped me for a decade.

and in retrospect that was really really incomprehensibly dumb

>>43721686
>seems to have won for now.
read this as the opposite for some reason. i think op is gonna win in the end this is just a speed bump. despite everything they sound like they actually do know what they want for the most part and it will work itself out.

>>43721686
> since you weren't actively looking to reassure yourself I think?
I was tho. Well sometimes id also randomly pass by a mirror and think i looked not bad and take a pic.

But it def also happened multiple times a day that id deliberately go in front of the mirror and like, see what i thought of my breast growth when i saw it.

> nona this is not tocd.
ik i mean like, the recording of it to convince myself it was real felt like that. well not like ocd but like i somehow needed to convince myself its real which is weird and like idk, self manipulative?

Also makes me feel it might not have been real to begin with, but that thought is prob bs.

> you sound like someone happy with their hrt effects and scared your anxiety will get the best of you in the future and make you stop. seems to have won for now. :(
Nah im not that scared of stopping i think? (Which is a pretty good point against trans imo). Id just prefer i wasnt someone who thought about stopping lol. If thats bc deep down i dont wanna, or if i just surrounded myself with too much trans content and i dont wanna lose my "tranny card" or sth idk.

Also the anxiety isnt only about the future. Occasionally i really do feel weird about having breasts. Potentially in a "oh fuck i really truly do not want this" way. Just complicated by the fact that i also had episodes where i liked them.

> why would it let you take your meds for 2 months uninterrupted?
Mayb its just severe? If i do have it id prob have to have had it for 7+ years atp, entirely untreated and unnoticed.

> mostly spend time in repgen tho so it's probably my fault to a degree www.
ooof yeah. Idk what its like now, but a while before i started HRT (and while i waited to start) i used to lurk there a lot. I really related to feeling stuck in misery like that and being too indecisive/cowardly to attempt the way out :/.

Prob one of the most depressing places on the internet imo.

>>43721815
>despite everything they sound like they actually do know what they want for the most part and it will work itself out
I do hope so too, that's why I cautiously put a 'for now'. I definitely think they will eventually prevail, but it certainly seems like a struggle at the moment sadly :(

>>43721756
>im just sorta knotted up about telling them or my sister first.
Im biased prob. cuz i knew (almost for a fact) it would work out fine for me. But iirc coming out did help me. Its nice to be able to talk openly about what u are actually going through.

So if the chances are good they wont react badly/will react positively id recommend going for it. Its your decision tho ofc and u can judge the situation way better.

> yeah i apprehensively did a 3 am bump right before you woke up
Ahhh nice, thanks for saving the thread then XD.

Im also apprehensive about bumps, instead i just reply to (almost) everything i get and try to maybe space out my replies a bit lol. At least if i care about the thread surviving a bit longer.

>>43721768
No idea what would convince me atp im ngl. I sometimes joke that it would take god (i do not believe in one) to descend from heaven and tell me that yeah he did put a womans brain in my head and that i should go transition about it lol.

Im glad that that rethoric worked for u but not really for me. I dont really "want to be a girl" (kinda) cuz it feels like a statement that doesnt mean much, like what *actually* is a girl lol.

(Tho this doesnt stop a funny thing i get very rarely where my brain screams "i want to be a girl" for no reason at me for a bit lol)

But like yeah, idk i dont see that many differences between men and women kinda. And i dont realy see myself as a "man" even rn, so its kinda hard to resent that either.

So yeah,,,, idk. This is probably incoherent AF tho, i really should go to bed soon.

>>43721104
Glad u figured it out. Can u clarify tho what u meant with "built up over time" tho?

>>43721815
>>43721919
I really dont know what i want tho lol. Even before hrt i just had a vague suspicion/guess i was hoping to confirm (or deny).

And now i have a bunch of confirmations, but also a bunch of denials of that fact after trying. And also the wants i did have and that made me try HRT are at an all time low.

Idk i kinda hope u two are right and ill get thru this. But the last few days ive felt the most "ok i might actually just be cis and its sth else" i have in all of my 7+ years of having to deal with these thoughts.

Ok but like gn forreal now, unless another reply pops up i desperately wanna respond to i gotta go sleep. I can feel my brain melting.

>>43721904
>well not like ocd but like i somehow needed to convince myself its real which is weird and like idk, self manipulative?
I understood your previous explanation as taking the video just to remind you that it happened and to use them to convince yourself that you actually enjoy the changes when you were doubting?

>Nah im not that scared of stopping i think?
>Id just prefer i wasnt someone who thought about stopping lol
'I'm not scared of [thing] but I don't actually want to do [thing]'
why would you make this thread in the first place if you were sure this is the right decision?

>Mayb its just severe? If i do have it id prob have to have had it for 7+ years atp, entirely untreated and unnoticed.
maybe you just don't have tocd? you found out about it like 5 hours ago nona. none of the things you described strike me as compulsions, including taking pics when you thought you looked good, that's just a common thing to do and maybe you're not used to feeling good in your body. I am not a doctor and only know people with 'standard' OCD or w/e, nothing relating to gender. if you're still unsure go talk with a real doctor pls, but TOCD doesn't make you transition for 7 months and genuinely like the changes.

>I really related to feeling stuck in misery
I still do, especially since my entire social situation crashed and burned anyway. it feels like one of the few places where you can just be miserable without constant reminders of how good other trans people are doing.

>>43722042
>Idk i kinda hope u two are right and ill get thru this
do you even want to stop? if you had the choice, would you rather stop now or have the thoughts and constant anxieties about whether you're making a mistake disappear and just continue?
gn nona, hope you have a good nights sleep ! :)

>>43721904
>Occasionally i really do feel weird
i mean i get it too but only at 3 am while high and it comes on really hard as "oh god oh fuck what the fuck am i doing" and i mutter to myself under my breathe and probably look like a total psycho. its kinda like a stronger version of remembering something embarrassing that happened earlier that day just uh.. always sorta simmering. i just dont usually pay attention bc its presentation is fleeting.

>>43721904
>just surrounded myself with too much trans content
i flip flop. like this board and my curated twitter are kinda like dirty secrets. not in a bad way just that its private and something i do every day. my tumblr used to be like that too and i think yahoo buying it right when i came out to myself kinda fucked me up.

but when i was in denial >>43714197
>i avoided trans content like a plague cause i knew what would happen lol

>>43721995
>No idea what would convince me atp im ngl.
sucks

>Im glad that that rethoric worked for u but not really for me.
yeah idk if i needed like philosophy prereqs first for it to make sense but the ones that really hit me was "wanting to be a girl is a symptom of being a girl" and the website where you press the button and "nothing changes" :o

>like what *actually* is a girl lol.
yeah i mite be an autist but i had to read engels, fisher, deleuze, wittig, debeauvoir. it was kinda important to rationalizing and orienting all my trauma. simplified(even for cis) one is not born but becomes a women, and women is essentially "other" meaning not-man. in the same way that white is default, not an actual ethnicity, men is default, women is "gendered" a type or category of "deficient"(by patriarchal standards) representative of "man"kind . i think thats kinda congruent with political lesbians and explains for example why transmascs can be lesbian, like socially accepted not like idk "scientifically" or whatever, since social relations arent empiric in that kinda way.

its funny because in a way my interest in politics and philosophy almost became a method of repressing and justifying it. kinda like that nonas thread the other day that said all their emotions were about gender.

but then again politics is one of the reasons i dont want to socially transition and its probly not what you think but also kinda dumb - i sorta prioritize wanting to help make a world where transition is not necessary, like in the same way i dont want to just not be depressed about having to have a shitty job, i want to live in a society where people dont to have to have shitty jobs to live. i am not le sick it is society that is le sick ~jokermoding~. having that kinda perspective eliminates guilt and shame replacing it with rage at injustice that powers you like an engine fueled on living your best life to spite the ghouls who perpetuate this bullshit.

wow im really gay. and post

sort of cont because I just remembered >>43722114

another really important point in regards to browsing repgen is that it always seemed more accessible to me. I mentioned previously that I still often feel 'not trans enough' (which ik is very common) and this played a big role back then as well as now. I don't feel like I'd be welcome in most trans spaces and that there is something about my personality or character that makes me stand out and could be discovered at any moment, outing me as 'faketrans'(?). anyways repgen still feels like it has asks absolutely nothing of the people that post there, and you can post about having given yourself delusions that you're trans or that you're pursuing conversion therapy because maybe that will fix these feelings finally (I did both of these at times in the past).
maybe this post makes no sense at all actually and I am conflating the two. idk I'm tired as well. gn no-doubts nona, nice talking to you too :)

>>43715910
>just out of curiosity, how long have you been on e?
Five days

>>43722524
cont on just the conversion therapy because it might be misunderstood
I only ever pursued that because I thought I somehow had gender dysphoria-adjacent thoughts, while I had a multitude of reasons why I thought I wasn’t trans and shouldn’t transition at the same time. I therefore thought it would be logical to pursue conversion therapy to get rid of these thoughts because I couldn’t get rid of them the way trans people did, by transitioning. I was absolutely aware conversion therapy was mostly done to children by their insane parents, and doesn’t work.I was convinced it might work on me because I actually wanted the thoughts to disappear (in comparison to children who were just going there to get abused). I was very clear about this even back then when I talked about it, lol.
I ended up looking around for options but - get this - it was apparently ONLY done to children and it was banned anyways a few years prior (to do to children). Apparently there was no market to do it to adults. All therapists I found that had specialised in gender seemed to be trans affirming and so I dropped that idea.

>>43722524
not op but i relate but not really, like usual. idk youngshits are really different but my "trans spaces" were tumblr and twitter and a lot of them are just as internet brained as here. also somehow my current twitter literally can read my posts even tho i use an entirely separate machine for /tttt/? the algo literally feeds me greenposts and people with screennames like xyzmoder. and like this goes back to irc days for me a whole bunch of my chat friends "pretended" to be girls and i used to make jokes about script kiddies wanting the "op" as a double entedre for operator status and srsl. i guess it just never bothered me cause i never id'd as a binary girly grill due to autism and extreme rejection of like norms and advertising. oh yeah i guess being goth/punk contributed to all that too like of course im not gonna be comfy in normie spaces

>>43722543
congrats!

gm everynona

>>43722827
>the algo literally feeds me greenposts and people with screennames like xyzmoder
yeah, it has been annoying especially these past few months. I think it’s a mix of 4chan bleeding more into other mainstream platforms and it becoming more ‘tame’ as a result. ppl don’tsee it as an edgy imageboard anymore, and idk if it ever was desu. the internet-historian-esque, almost mystifying it as some sort of hacker collective probably did it in.

gm :D. Also wow the thread is still up o_0.

>>43722114
U understood my previous explanation correctly, i just think its weird that i have to do sth like that to convince myself it was real.

> 'I'm not scared of [thing] but I don't actually want to do [thing]'
Kinda true, but in like an idealistic sense. It feels like i put trannies/gender transition/women on such a pedestal that i wanna do it, even if maybe i shouldnt. Like the opposite of a "true repper" that wants to stay cis at all costs, what if im cis but just wanna be trans simply cuz i think (trans) women are cool or sth but i really really shouldnt?

> none of the things you described strike me as compulsions
The big one that made me concerned is that making these threads could be a compulsion/reassurance seeking. Cuz that is 100% what i do it for (some of the time) and some days i really do it A LOT.

> TOCD doesn't make you transition for 7 months and genuinely like the changes.
Yeah true that part kinda doesnt make sense. Altho, as stupid as it might sound: Im still not sure i genuinely liked the changes? Altho idk, its not like i can confidently claime i hated them either.

> do you even want to stop?
Kinda? I think for now it might actually be the best. As to whether id prefer to stop or have the anxieties disappear: I used to say (as in like not even a week ago/maybe even just a few days ago lol) that id prefer to be "more trans" (ie have more dysphoria/be more certain transition is right) and then just be able to continue. Now idk tho.

>>43722303
>>Occasionally i really do feel weird
Yeah its more common for me unfortunately. I had episodes of a few min/and hour or two where it just feels super weird that i have breast growth on me and stuff like that :c.

> women is essentially "other" meaning not-man.
Yeah this kinda fucks with me too. I already prefer just not being noticed. Why the fuck would i wanna transition to the non default gender then qwq.

> "wanting to be a girl is a symptom of being a girl"
Prob didnt hit me as hard as you, but that was also one of the kinda common phrases that made me think i might be trans.

> website where you press the button and "nothing changes" :o
I remember that one too lol. Even had like an episode w/ it where i thin i was sobbing while doing it lol. Tho for me its less the "nothing changes", i think it was more the quotes they had from other trans women on there that were like "pro transition". And iirc it was all like a bit reassuring and stuff which always gets to me qwq. Plus that iirc it either rmakes u wait or click multiple times or sth, that also made me cry a lil. Idk this is like a single night (or two) years ago i dont remember properly.

>>43722387
> thread the other day that said all their emotions were about gender.
That might have been me as well XD. I made one or two about that iirc.

>>43722524
hmmm interesting, yeah i can see that. I think for me repgen was appealing (i only ever lurked tho) because after like 3-4 years of questioning i just started hating myself for being too indecisive to try to transition. Cuz like i agreed with all the "trans rethoric" of like "if u were cis u wouldnt think abt it this much" and such. So i was aware that i was (prob) trans & should at least try, but i also knew i was too much of a coward to do anything about it. So i just wallowed in misery. I was (and maybe am?) more comfortable identifying as a repper/permanently miserable than actually trying to transition/live :/

>>43726246
> what if im cis but just wanna be trans simply cuz i think (trans) women are cool
cis men think (trans) women are cool and that’s that. Some want to fuck them. Cis men do not want to transition and then do for almost a year.

> making these threads could be a compulsion/reassurance seeking
do the threads offer you relief? compulsions usually relieve obsessive thoughts. I do not think making threads like this counts as a compulsion either tbhon

> Im still not sure i genuinely liked the changes
nona please tell me what else you were doing then sobs
you described gender euphoria super accurately, and there is no ‘condition’ making you experience this kind of euphoria, even if it were fake. people usually _suffer_ from mental illnesses.

> that id prefer to be "more trans" (ie have more dysphoria/be more certain transition is right) and then just be able to continue
same! you (a few days ago) seem to want to transition, or at least continue taking hrt.

>>43726346
> should at least try, but i also knew i was too much of a coward to do anything about it.
this is new (I think)? did this change when you started taking hrt? just wondering since you said you wanted to prove you were trans and now you’re saying you knew but were just scared?

> I was (and maybe am?)
idk if you still are, but you at the very least learned over the past few months that you do not have to live in misery? taking hrt made you happy. there really isn’t any point in going back to repping.

>>43726366
>Cis men do not want to transition and then do for almost a year.
Yeah thats kinda problem for arguing im cis lol. But like a really really delusional one might? Also 7 mo isnt almost a year.

> do the threads offer you relief?
Yes actually. Usually they do, same with like talking to family and friends about it.

> nona please tell me what else you were doing then
idk lol. But like i usually only liked it a lil, and not like massively. And the anxiety around them might also have been actual concern that i didnt actually like it?

> you described gender euphoria super accurately
Ok but what if that just because i hung around trans spaces for so long i know how its supposed to feel. So i can describe it like that even if maybe thats not what i felt?

Like i didnt do that, i do think i *mostly* described it how i felt. But still maybe so much exposure to it made me slip in a phrase or two i didnt fully mean that makes it sound more trans than it actually was?

> you (a few days ago) seem to want to transition, or at least continue taking hrt.
Ok but like idk tho. Like, what if thats just because its the easier way out. Like, i still mostly think sth is up w/ my gender n shit. So it would be easier for me to come to the conclusion im trans than cis. Like id have to reevaluate less of my life.

So i think that is why i wanted to be able to continue more than bc i wanted the effects to continue i think.

>>43726408
> this is new (I think)?
Ok so its less like i KNEW i was trans pre hrt. Its just like, idk theres these aphorisms that seem to be thrown about at questioning ppl/babytranses n eggs eg:
> "A cis person wouldnt think about their gender this hard and long"
> "Wanting to be a girl is a sign of being a girl"
> "Most cis people dont consider transitioning"
and stuff like that. And like ofc i absorbed all of those, and i agreed with them (i still mostly do), and also knew that meant i might very well be trans.

So like it was less i knew i was trans its just that i did agree it was very likely i might be trans/it would be weird if i was still cis given what i knew.

So starting HRT was like a path to prove once and for all if the suspicion was right. (see also the aphorism of like "A cis person wouldnt last a month on HRT" and stuff like that)

Now its changed bc after HRT i got a bunch a signs i might indeed be trans (I was super convinced i was like the first month or two after starting & ofc all those "euphoria" moments...)
but it also netted new significant reasons i might not be (Extreme anxiety on whether i was doing the right thing, esp abt breast growth).

And like the feelings i had before that made me think i might be trans (like frequent jealousy of (trans) women) kinda let up/became less too.

> taking hrt made you happy.
Only in short brief bursts and only in a specific kind of way. And it also made me extremely anxious a bunch.

> you at the very least learned over the past few months that you do not have to live in misery?
Yeah kinda, at least i proved to myself i can do it (get on hrt at least) if i still turn out trans at the end of the day.

And also now i at least know how i react to HRT instead of just having to guess. Even if its unfortunately still extremely inconclusive :/

>>43726569
> But like a really really delusional one might?
no he wouldn’t. a really delusional cis man would think the cia are trying to turn him trans and he wouldn’t act on these thoughts nor experience euphoria.
a cis man also wouldn’t transition for 7 months.

> But like i usually only liked it a lil
you cried in front of the mirror from happiness, idk what else you expect from yourself desu

> And the anxiety around them might also have been actual concern that i didnt actually like it?
[them] being changes or breast growth/breasts? you said you only had anxiety around breast growth iirc, and hate how oily your skin is on t.

> But still maybe so much exposure to it made me slip in a phrase or two i didnt fully mean that makes it sound more trans than it actually was
fwiw I don’t think you did this either, but even if you did, why would you? so you can fool the board into believing you are trans when you aren’t so that anons affirm you? conclusion for me would be that you desperately want to be trans (still). maybe I’m reading too much into it idk

> Like, what if thats just because its the easier way out. Like, i still mostly think sth is up w/ my gender n shit.
If being trans is the easy way may god have mercy on the souls choosing the hard way.

>>43726609
> but it also netted new significant reasons i might not be (Extreme anxiety on whether i was doing the right thing, esp abt breast growth).
the anxiety around it wasn’t new as you were questioning before. the euphoria was new, and the data point you were waiting for.

>Only in short brief bursts and only in a specific kind of way
yes that is how euphoria and happiness works

> Even if its unfortunately still extremely inconclusive
It’s going to stay inconclusive in perpetuity since you’re just gonna get more data points on how you feel, which haven’t helped you in the past either.

> Yeah kinda, at least i proved to myself i can do it (get on hrt at least) if i still turn out trans at the end of the day
that’s an understatement of what actually happened.
and your conclusion from this was ‘I’m just going to try the misery thing again and see how it suits me now’?

either way the question on whether you continue or not doesn’t need to be this complicated, it’s as simple as do you want the changes hrt gives you? y/n.

>>43726704
> no he wouldn’t.
Ok but like im not delusional in that way ik that. But more in like an internal way where i misinterpreted sth else for being trans (and not bc i think the cia or w/e is after me).

The rest of ur points are p. good tho. But then again i could be the 1 in 10000000000 exception.

> you cried in front of the mirror from happiness, idk what else you expect from yourself desu
Yeah atp idk anymore either. Doesnt get a whole lot more transgender than being extremely happy with your body and how u look for the first time in ur life, to the point of crying, because u noticed your breast growth gives u some curves now lmao.

Still, do i actually want to be a girl/transition? Lots of things kinda hint at that. But at the end of the day i still dont feel like i know :c.

Like not wanting to be a girl, but having that reaction to HRT would be,,,, extremely weird. But its kinda where im at now :/

> [them] being changes or breast growth/breasts?
Yes

> hate how oily your skin is on t.
Idk if hate, but the changes on E to skin where def one of the best parts iirc.

> so you can fool the board into believing you are trans when you aren’t so that anons affirm you?
Yes, in fact i kinda did that sometimes. Like when id write sth non trans id sometimes wanna append sth more trans to balance it back out lol.

Ocassionally i really did go here/other places cuz i wanted to be told im trans lol.

> If being trans is the easy way may god have mercy on the souls choosing the hard way.
Yeah i didnt mean easy like that. Materially its much much harder. But like, starting from where im at rn, figuring out i am actually trans means less work in having to reconceptualize my entire identity than figuring out im actually cis.

So in that sense im scared i "want to be trans" not bc i am but bc its easier on like, my sense of self/self conceptualization,

>>43726802
> the anxiety around it wasn’t new
It was new specifically about breast growth. Before hrt i was just expecting to not mind having breasts/eventually getting used to them.

So from that pov its actually a pretty big sign i might not be trans that, once i ACTUALLY started growing them, i began freaking out.

> yes that is how euphoria and happiness works
Yeah ig, but also i often went straight back to doubting afterwards too...

> and your conclusion from this was ‘I’m just going to try the misery thing again and see how it suits me now’?
I mean i wasnt that miserable. And i also wasnt sure i was miserable bc i was trans/on T.

> it’s as simple as do you want the changes hrt gives you? y/n.
Yes, but unfortunately idfk anymore.

>>43726877
>misinterpreted sth else for being trans
I know of no other conditions that could cause gender incongruence but gender dysphoria.

>But then again i could be the 1 in 10000000000 exception
nona you are very special to the people around you, that love and cherish you.
you are not special to the world at large.

>Like not wanting to be a girl, but having that reaction to HRT would be,,,, extremely weird. But its kinda where im at now :/
you need to slowly come to terms with the fact that only a girl would react that way nona :)
it's by far the most likely explanation

>Ocassionally i really did go here/other places cuz i wanted to be told im trans lol.
this is a questioning trans person thing to do

>figuring out i am actually trans means less work in having to reconceptualize my entire identity
it took you seven years to come to terms with 'I want to try hrt' and that maybe you were trans after all. I understand that you're scared you're making a mistake, but being off hrt could be just as big a one. I know you're aware of this but
>>43726887
> it’s as simple as do you want the changes hrt gives you? y/n.
>Yes
liek, you cannot live your life perfectly. you have made mistakes, you will make them in the future, so please stop trying to minmax your identity. :c

also
>>43726887
>I mean i wasnt that miserable. And i also wasnt sure i was miserable bc i was trans/on T.

>>43721904
>I really related to feeling stuck in misery like that and being too indecisive/cowardly to attempt the way out :/.
>Prob one of the most depressing places on the internet imo.

hey nona i don't want to push anything on you but this might be just internalized transphobia. you're uncomfortable about your breast growth, like
>>43726887
> ...it's actually a pretty big sign i might not be trans that, once i ACTUALLY started growing them, i began freaking out.
but I saw in a reddit post you made that your anxiety was around being unable to detrans/boymode. are you sure this anxiety is dysphoria (like the "not that miserable" experience of being on T) or another reason you're looking for regressing into a complicated repper (like how you "want to be trans...because it's easier on my sense of self", or you're "a delusional cis man").

i think i get how you felt pre-HRT; not being like suicidally dysphoric but a general malaise, and this thread really helped me figure out my complicated feelings about that. so i'm just offering this to you to consider. HRT won't make you 100% happy all the time (read all the ropefuel people on HRT post here for example), but if your life before E was just "not that miserable" and now you're "crying in front of the mirror"... i'd go through with my transition if i were you.

just saying. ':3c