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The next few posts without pics will be copies from last thread because GOD DAMN IT.

Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
(perhaps even try arrange spontaneously meeting up with an IRL contact near you!)
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: presently defunct afaik.
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

>>43922977
>I think I've hit some sort of limit with my girlfriend.
>She's really pushy and in general somewhat controlling of me, my life, finances, etc.
>I'm repping hard and have been basically my whole life.
>it's a firm boundary that she won't stay with me if I need to explore this more.
You know, all this in isolation, without all the context of how you got there, would already be reason to rip the band-aid off, so to speak. None of this sounds sustainable.
>Am I being retarded?
Not at all, I threw out my chances at a normie life over 15 years ago and I have yet to regret that, just by getting into academia. I would like to hear more about the controlling aspects of your gf though, if you are okay with that.
>>43924212
>Managed to suppress sh urges by playing guitar instead.
Awesome, Anon! These things are so damn important.
>>43929323
>Is anyone else trying to cope with being alone?
>Both in a romantic and platonic sense?
You're quire isolated, I take it? Mind telling me a bit more about your circumstances? I had some time where all I had was online contacts, and even if it was just for a year it was rough. Do you live in an area where it's hard to find people you might vibe with?
>>43934884
>swe education but the work/coworkers/open office made me so miserable that ive resolved never to go back
>multiple different diagnoses n sectioned four times but disability is not an option
Is it okay to ask what specific diagnoses you had? This might be important for context. Also, what part of the work/social env made you miserable? So we know what to avoid.
>therapy does nothing, medication does nothing
>mostly bedridden in my free time
Hm, from sickness or depression? And it is clear that your current line of work makes you miserable, hell, if anything it might be worth to consider pivoting your career trajectory.
>pic
no need to belittle yourself, Anon. Nobody here should make fun of you, and what you are talking about is on topic in this general.

>>43929385
>I don't think I would want to talk about how I tried to kill myself in the mean time
You don't have to, you can say you had a really bad time though and self isolated as a consequence of that. I think most people will take this as a cue along the lines of "I am not ready to talk about the details right now". Does that sound like a bad thing to tell them? It seems pretty much in line with the truth.
>or about how I just wasted years of my life now on doing nothing
You were in a depressive pit and are presently clawing your way out of it, it's not an easy thing but you are trying.
>not to mention me still being a miserable freak who can't do anything
We're working on that, denying yourself to step in front of people flawed and miserable is akin to denying oneself to go to the doctor unless healthy.
>the way I deal with scheduling is by getting anxious to the point of semi paralysis
Yes, a common ADHD issue sadly, it is not just you. I also need a quick reminder what the state of things was with seeking out medical help for it.
>I have opened the drowning house smth book twice but I still haven't gotten to reading it as
>I always have something else to do at that exact moment
Okay, next time you try, can you write down the other thing you wound up doing for me? Do you remember the last times? Just for the sake of trying to help you, I am not judging, promise.
>>43934949
>I think I am going to fully commit to emotionally dis-associating from my life.
>Unless there's a way to make money or get ahead, it no longer exists for me.
>I'm too worthless and dumb for [goals, relationships] to matter to me.
Could you elaborate these points? It sounds like you feel massively stuck in life with no momentum, but I don't quite understand the set of circumstances you are dealing with.
>>43939991
>Everybody is fucking awful.
Did something specific happen, Anon?

>>43938105
>I do not think life is inherently worth ti for me
>I tried transitioning even thinking it mattered to me but it seems nothign matters to me.
Hm, what you are describing sounds an awful lot like depression. As for example your transition, how did it go? I understand you expected to feel relief but felt nothing instead. What else is going on in your life, the surrounding circumstances? I know it doesn't answer your question directly but it matters.
>>43942699
>Trying to stop intellectualizing and reconnect with my feelings by looking at art throughout the day.
A lovely approach, absolutely!
>>43949176
Heya Navy!
>The only reason my brain can come up with as to why the FFS surgeon's office refuses to actually confirm they've booked the date for surgery is that they don't believe I am actually dysphoric
Can they actually do that? That sounds absurd. Honestly, if they don't respond to emails I would gradually escalate until I knock on their door.
And if TERF island fuckery is trying to actively sabotage you, do not lose hope just yet. I get why you feel the way you do, and given the sheer amount of malicious incompetence I have second hand witnessed on sig alone I believe you it is a goddamn mess, but I would hate to see you give up. If everything else fails it just means you have to do it abroad, which will require careful planning but fucking hell. You mentioned physical fitness and FFS as goals for you, but it sounds like there are other things you would like to change about yourself.
>>43950975
>Now, /sig/ how do I make use of this useless hour and make it into a better use of my time?
This sounds really interesting a work env to be honest! Well, if you want it to be productive I would honestly suggest something that is good for you mentally. You are forced to spend time away from home (distractions) so you could for example read a book or work on a skill you wish to improve. Is there such a thing you usually never make the time for in your life?

It pains me to see that I take about a week to respond now, on average.
>>43952066
>i gained 160 pounds over the past 5 years (140->300)
Sorry to hear Anon. If you need help to keep your weight loss sustainable, we are there for you. Ana stuff usually strains your body and mind needlessly as you surely know, and I know that you don't do it for fun but because it worked for you. So obviously I wanna help you create something that works for you sustainably.
>I think there is thought communication and im being experimented on and everyone is lying to me, would be sad if it was me just actually going insane
I do not know if there is much solace in this fact but you're far from the only person with schizophrenia experiencing these exact things. As much as it sucks it's in the nature of it.
>first time posting here, used to lurk a decade+ ago in middle school.
Awh, first of all, welcome, Anon! Sorry it took me so long to respond, I genuinely hope you see this.
>>43959906
>had an unusually productive day today
Glad to hear, Anon!
>>43960355
>i'm such a fucking coward.
What's on your mind?
>>43961254
Nice to hear about the dinner, though what's got you paranoid?
>>43973272
>I want to gain a bit of weight but it's HAAARD
Need help, Anon?

>>43962274
Sounds like things are going well overall, glad to hear!
>>43974483
Welcome back, catscratch! Happy belated birthday. I always flinch a little on the subject of smoking, but I don't wanna preach.
I think what you said about repping pretty much encapsulates why I try to help each and every repper coming here find an alternative to repping.
>This board has been there for me at my lowest. I've only been on /sig/ a handful of times, but reading everyone's struggles made me feel seen.
I am glad to hear, it is why I made this general to begin with, after all.
> A friend drew a portrait of me recently
Awh, such a sweet thing to do! Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you plan on moving on from here, so.. just in case we don't speak again, just know I wish you well.
>>43975114
>i know this is reach if any of u are university students struggling do any of u wanna be study buddies/accountability buddies
Wish I could chip in there but I've graduated a decade ago now and terribly offline as of late.
>>43981802
>I'm pretty sure I am too far behind in the rat race to survive it.
In what way, Anon?
>>43984464
I hope you're well on your way to recovery by now!

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Now for the new replies..
>>43984690
>I need to stop being a weird retard and just get my act together.
Hm, what needs doing for that to happen?
>>43985125
>i want to lose weight but i'm really struggling with food noise/obsession...does anyone have advice?
Hm, could you expand upon the food noise thing a little? Just to make sure I follow.
>>43987036
>i respond to music the most, but not in a very emotional way imo
Oh? In what way would you describe it? Perhaps intellectually? Something else entirely?
>i can't find anything that stands out to me, and these days i just put a youtube video in the background and barely listen to it
Do you remember something from the past, perhaps? If not we will really have to move on to trial and error. I think a good start on that front would be to feel out creative pursuits to get you going. Have you ever messed with writing, drawing/painting, any crafts (knitting, sewing..), or cooking?
>>43992397
Glad to hear the smartwatch approach works out for you!
>pic
I know you were intoxicated but I think you know why people wouldn't appreciate that.
>>43993715
>It's been rough on everyone, the family is really reaching a breaking point.
I can very much imagine. Did your sibling recover by now?

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>>43991607
>>43991669
>I can't even vocalize it well.
I fully understand the position you are in there, the only thing I can tell you is that it is extremely likely that this pull you feel towards it can actually be satisfied with something entirely different. Most of the time these things happen it is more a matter of fixing something unrelated, because I can pretty much assure you the craving will not go away even if you were to reach your goal. I know this isn't helping on a level this abstract but I need to preempt with an explanation to be able to help at all. Let's try and break it down into means and ends, it will require some soul searching on your end. The goal here is to critically dissect this urge and ask to what end you wish to, for example, reach that weight. Try dissect how you feel about yourself, what makes you unhappy and why. I can try walk you through this in greater detail if need be.
>Todestrieb
Oh, schon lange nicht mehr gehört den Ausdruck!
>No, but I assume a one-pot meal would serve enough complexity.
>Though I hate meal prep so much
>Washing cutting vegetables would probably take 4x the time of cooking.
>Meats are even worse
>I fear for the clean up.
Okay, taking all of that into consideration one of the first things that come to mind is pasta recipes. Do you have a chef's knife? Personally I find ones with a large blade particularly beginner friendly. You would hold it with your thumb and index finger pinching the blade itself while wrapping the remaining three fingers around the handle, as can be seen in https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chef%27s_knife#Technique. The first recipe I have in mind would only require whole milk, bouillon cubes/powder of your choice, short pasta (penne for example), milk, meltable cheeses of your choice (for example gouda, gruyere, any blue cheese, parmesan, any swiss..), salt, pepper, butter or oil, a measuring cup (or scale), a cooking spoon, a pot and perhaps a grater. (1/4)

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>>43991607
>>43991669
(2/4)
The recipe would be pretty straightforward, although I would have to measure things rather than doing stuff by eye to give exact instructions. Off the top of my head though..
A scale is not needed but helpful, none of these need to be exact, but a pack of penne is usually 500g, and butter usually has 25g markings for slices iirc.
Grate the cheese. The recipe hardly cares how much cheese you put in but if it is enough to fill a cupped hand that is a good ballpark. Some cheeses (blue cheese, some cheese products) don't need grating and melt even as chunks.
>Penne in creamy cheese sauce.
In a pot, melt 15-25g of butter at medium heat (3-4 on a stove that goes from 1 to 6).
Add 250g penne, coat in the fat. Take 500mL of water and pour in as much as it takes to have the penne sit in liquid without being covered, and put in as much of the powder/cube as the package suggests for 500mL.
The liquid should simmer but not boil like crazy and make a mess, so adjust the heat a little as needed. Stir to ensure nothing sticks to the bottom of the pot, a few stirs every few minutes is fine, you can be overly careful the first time. The pasta will absorb the water, so keep topping up with more water until your 500mL are exhausted. You can top up with more water OR milk from this point, but I recommend some milk at least for more creaminess. After 10 minutes it is worth checking if the pasta is done. If it isn't, keep going adding small amounts of liquid each time, basically such that the pasta sits in a slightly too thin sauce, but isn't swimming. The stirring ensures everything cooks evenly. Once done, add grated cheese and stir until it melted completely. Season with more stock, salt and pepper to your liking and serve hot.

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>>43991607
>>43991669
(3/4)
What needs cleaning: pot, grater, measuring cup, cooking spoon, dishes you ate off.
It can be upgraded to nicer dishes, the original recipe actually using homemade stock, parmesan and saffron (no milk). The milk just makes it more versatile and mellows out the instant stock. It is a very "student survival meal" that can be adjusted to fit higher standards of quality or dietary preferences. "Milk in a pot with things" can get you anything from pasta dishes to soups to even gratins, though require either cutting veggies, other tools or both. A stick blender can save you a lot of work as turning veggies into a sauce or soup with it means you don't have to cut things very finely.
>I find it impossible to do cooking without a big spice rack.
I get what you mean, I personally like recipes where I only need very few spices, which is one of the reasons I make a lot of Italian/Mediterranean dishes at home I think, where the focus often is on having a small number of ingredients shine.
>Learning to cut different ingredients has to be taught too.
Very true, Youtube can be a surprisingly good resource for that! I think I did that in particular for onions and bell peppers, for example.
>Venting about how my life sucks
Hm, I see! It might be worth, as stupid as it may feel, to catalog your emotions a bit in there, and perhaps the things you would like to achieve. Still, of course venting is important in all this.
>Could you elaborate on this, I have no idea.
Sure, a template would work to get you started, depending on what time of day you write. Think of cataloging things you do in the day, as well as trying to recall at least one thing from your day. Such as "today I brushed my teeth. I cooked a meal. I saw a bird outside. I felt angry because I had to talk to my parents." So basically things you did, things you felt, things you perceived, all make good templating fodder. It will be REALLY hard in the beginning but get easier.

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>>43991607
>>43991669
(4/4)
>I am open to suggestions but just expect that I might/not do it.
Of course, there is no burden of expectation here. I can't make you reply to me, or follow advice, Anon! And I don't have all the answers to begin with. I am just trying to help, and you're trying to let yourself be helped, which is appreciated enough. I need to ask
>I want to just prove a point really by losing that much weight.
What is the point you are trying to prove, it ties into what I said earlier about means and ends. To what end do you wanna lose that much?
>Good examples are like learning a language or playing a musical instrument, a piano for example.
Hm, both of these things greatly benefit from making time in the day/week for it. Sticking to it is another matter of course and I know that neurodivergence/ADHD fucks with normal (SMART-type) approaches for these matters but I think it would still be great to set one day in the week at least for you to dedicate 1-2 hours on either subject for now. Which days doesn't matter, only that you have something concrete to do in them and have reminders for yourself, ideally automated. Are there any days where you are (kept) busy, or any preference for days? Ever heard of Anki?
>So does keeping ingredients, I feel like I have to keep that in check too.
When I am at my lowest I usually stick to shelf stable ingredients with fresh additions I can buy spontaneously.
>You must be old here.
Let's just say I am mid-30s and have found 4chan at the age of 16-17.
>Bros, I am just tired of nothing ever happening for me and things actively backsliding.
>I just want one thing in life, that is that for my efforts are actively rewarded.
It is immensely tiring, which is exactly why I am so sympathetic of your circumstances. Nobody deserves to be in a pit like this and I hope I can help you out even a little to break free.

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>>43997707
>Yeah I'm thinking I'm back
Oh? Welcome back, Anon!
>>43997747
>I've been going without weed a lot more often lately,
>nicotine is next (for like the 3rd time lawl)
These things are tough, Anon. I am rooting for you, and am glad you are making progress.
>>44000647
>Are there any really thorough guides about self care like hair and skin that start from super basics?
I am not aware of one but we can start with a kinda initial overview of your situation.
A good starting routine would be brushing your teeth twice (initially maybe once) a day,
bathing or showering once a week on a set day,
and making a list of personal grievances you have with your appearance.
Forming a schedule for hair, skin and nail care would be next.
>>44001761
>I hate being this fucked up.
What's up Anon?

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>>44003060
Heya, Panty!
>I started taking a Vitamin D supplement
Hell, even I do that these days, it seems to help but my primary struggles lie elsewhere at the moment I think. Made wraps again too, recently. One thing I am kinda fond of which one of my roomies taught me when I was a student was to add crushed tortilla chips into them for crunch. As for reading, I have picked up The Stranger by Albert Camus based on the rec of a loved one. Glad you got a replacement part for your blender, this kinda stuff has become increasingly hard.
>I’m still getting used to drawing on a PC with a tablet instead of on an iPad, but it’s happening.
Oh, naisu!
>>44003529
Well, how often do you cum a day, on average?
>>44011936
Which show? Digital circus?
>>44005943
>>44014796
>I wish I could have prevented it.
We all do at times like this, ESPECIALLY the ones that went through it, in their own way. We can just take solace in having more strength combined than isolated.
>This wasn't the first attempt made by them
>The past attempts have led to some form of neurological damage
That is deeply upsetting, of course. It might be worth to sit them down and talk to them about it if they are ready.
>How do you mean?
As difficult as it is you are constantly keeping us up to date about things you are trying to make a living, find opportunities, etc. Many things lead nowhere, but that is a lot of the time out of our hands, it still counts, and it is still necessary to get anywhere eventually. You aren't wasting your time.

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>>44014709
>>44015659
>so I either got very tired and sleep right away normally in the morning, or try to sleep at a good hour at night
Ah, so you are generally stuck with a night shift essentially?
>the bad thought of being gay seeps into my head, partly because of social media
Hm, what exactly does that entail for you? Would you prefer to be straight, are closeted, something else?
>>44016211
>I am quitting Reddit, yeah should've never used it in the first place and I didn't for a long time but then out of boredom I got sucked into that toxic cesspit.
Things can wind up this way, I am just happy for you you are pulling the plug on it.
>>44020688
>>44032920
>got a doctor's appointment tomorrow, going to bring up my suspected OCD.
>update: not very fruitful
That sucks to hear, was the doctor just overall unhelpful?

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That's it for now, time to go shopping in Hades.
>>44024414
>Yes!!!
Okay, perfect! So you you wanna gain weight, do you generally measure your intake? What is the hardest part for you? Volume? Remembering to eat?
>>44024667
>I graduated 2 months ago and I am still unemployed.
It is perfectly normal for the job hunt to take a few months in the current job market, unfortunately. So you are not failing, this is very important to keep in mind, yes, the structure education provides is a lifeline and right now you are on an express train to depression if you don't build yourself a daily routine.
>I want to do something but I get overwhelmed
Well, we should plan out a schedule for you in that case, something that for now is mostly self care with at most a small percentage of job search to not fry you. Would that sound good? What you lack right now is mental energy to do things. Which means you will try to "weasel yourself out of doing things" all the time. The first couple weeks will mostly be you catching yourself early doing it, putting reminders and notes where you will find them in time and journaling your inner monologue to catch and correct bad habits.
>>44025713
>I wonder if I can go to Sweden or something.
If you are within the EU that should be easy enough, vacation or?
>>44026175
>i wish
tell us your wish!

>>44044608
>Awesome, Anon! These things are so damn important.
I failed today... a bit.
Punched my guitar once, because I got frustrated after being angry over being poor and everything being shit, especially work.
At least I didn't punch my head...

pg7 pawmp

>>44044642
>Oh? In what way would you describe it? Perhaps intellectually? Something else entirely?
no idea, some sounds just feel good to me like feeling a nice texture or smelling something good
>Do you remember something from the past, perhaps?
playing videogames maybe, but that was a long long time ago
>Have you ever messed with writing, drawing/painting, any crafts (knitting, sewing..), or cooking?
i've tried to make music on my computer in the past, i was so bad i had to give up on it because it was too much frustration
i cook sometimes but it's very rare

p8

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oh yeah i love niggers

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>>44044680
> One thing I am kinda fond of which one of my roomies taught me when I was a student was to add crushed tortilla chips into them for crunch
That’s not a bad idea, I’m going to try that myself. Hell, any bag of tortilla chips has a ton of crumbs on the bottom, I can use them for that.

>As for reading, I have picked up The Stranger by Albert Camus based on the rec of a loved one
One of the last nonfiction books I was reading, “The Free World: Art Throughout the Cold War” by Louis Menand had a chapter about French literature including Camus. I want to read some Dashiel Hammett and I should probably read The Stranger after, since I think I recall American noir influenced Camus. I would also recommend reading up on France’s colonization of Algeria after, because I’m pretty sure that‘s relevant to The Stranger as well.

I needed to switch over to desktop because tablet art programs have fewer feature, but getting used to all the extra features is the learning curve, essentially.

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>>44044651
>>43991607
>>43991669
IMPORTANT ERRATA: I cooked it today and need to adjust some quantities. Start off with 250mL water, not 500. It is easy to add more later but 500 is a bit much if you wanna add milk too.
Also adjust the boullion cube to that new amount of water.
Finally, once the water is added, CRANK THE STOVE ALL THE WAY UP until the water boils.

Pardon the fuck-ups. This is at least 2 servings by the way, but can be more.

>>44044699
>do you generally measure your intake?
Vaguely, like within the hundreds digit of calories
>What is the hardest part for you? Volume? Remembering to eat?
On some days I just don't have any appetite until the evening and trying to eat before that makes me feel nauseated

>>44047816
>I should probably read The Stranger after
That one's on my list too

goodnight bump

I failed the thread again
I HAVE ABANDONED MY CHILD

>>44044647
>I need to preempt with an explanation to be able to help at all. Let's try and break it down into means and ends,
Let's try:
I don't want to gain weight because it puts weight into my stomach, I am subject to feederism unless I can demonstrate cooking well. I had this obsession of minmaxxing fat redistribution by severely starving myself then bulking heavily on pioglitazone, I want to erase every muscle.
>Todestrieb
it's just Freud...
>Penne in creamy cheese sauce.
I might try the recipe, however.
>I find it impossible to do cooking without a big spice rack.
I come from a shithole where big spice rack is the common. In fact spices is the Raison d'etre of the history of this shithole which gets exploited by colonizers.
>catalog your emotions
>templating
is this the same thing?
>
>I want to just prove a point really by losing that much weight.
>What is the point you are trying to prove
that I have control? I want to erase most muscle and I got fed on the fragile look pill etc etc
plus I am fed up being told that I have to be muscular. I hate it.

everytime i post here i feel like i'm larping and being performative. it probably says something about me but i'm too dumb to give it a thought. i've just been bumping the thread lately. life updates: summer classes end soon, so looking forward to a free second half of summer. i have come up with a decent calisthenics based routine. time to push for the final stretch of cutting down weight!
as always ly all /sig/mas <3 sending virtual hugs ⊂((・▽・))⊃

life is hard and i am soft (penis and emotionally)

Good night

i feel like I'm starving but by the numbers i ate a lot today and am definitely NOT starving.

p9

>>44044674
>brushing your teeth twice (initially maybe once) a day,
>bathing or showering once a week on a set day

I'm showering and brushing my teeth every day, I just wanted it to start from basics to make sure I wasn't missing anything simple.
In the shower I do body wash, exfoliant+scrub, lotions, then face wash. Then tend skin after I've dried off.
For hair I rinse with cold water and use shampoo and conditioner every 3 days.

>preparing stuff for a weeklong trip, 30C+ with 70% humidity indoors so my brain has been cooking for a week whenever I'm at home
>have to dig around the absolute state of my room
>can't even fully open my wardrobe door
>huge pile of laundry
>can't do too much laundry due to weather
>get sidetracked throwing out trash for a bit
>laundry done, then a short break
>look around my room and start feeling absolutely terrible over how much there's still to do
Not a full-on panic attack yet, but I still feel like shit and crying despite getting at least something done.
Why does EVERYTHING have to be so damn hard and make me feel like utter shit...
Can't even hug my plushies because it's too hot and humid

pg9 pawmp

*paws at you* don't die
*paws at you* don't die
*paws at you* don't die
*paws at you* don't die

>>44054090
Panic attack still looming, maybe coming back. Still feeling like I'm about to turn into a sobbing mess.
Not able to play guitar today, but now I have half-assedly polished nails.
Still hot as fuck so sleep is gonna be shit and gotta get up very early tomorrow.
I wish I wouldn't feel horrible like this so often ;_;
Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I did wrong to deserve the suffering I'm enduring.

bump

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>>44058693
Page 8 again

Good night I will get back to reading

pawmp :3

What's on the docket today

I hope you all are doing okay.

I wish I could post more but I am at a bit of an impasse at the moment.

I'm pretty sure my life is falling apart and it is all my fault but I am going to avoid taking it personally and just focus on making money and staying out of trouble as much as I can.
Just gotta move forward.

I'll be 26 soon and I have nothing to show for myself.

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New therapist gave me a few pointers and I've noticed that I tend to blow things out of proportion sometimes. I've started to use the stereotypical "British understatement" in my head more often. It's working. It does, however, feel a bit silly, if I may say so.

well its road trip pooner again to report i do feel less suicidal nowadays. though it is just as punishingly lonely when my bf talks to his virtual friends who rejected me and dont wants them to know probably because it is gay and age difference so i cant talk to thme anyway, yes i am here back to report because lonely and drunk, it doesnt get better i just get better at putting it out of mind.always so busy.
i had a breakthough a month ago , its weird how things in life connect like that many years ago as a preteen picking fruit of neighborhood trees, blesed by the bounty of californias climate, it led to an interest in dumpster diving and although i tried it once yearsbefore at a university i have tried it again. ppicking up a book on the art and getting enthused not to his great delilght. firstly we ofund lobster a college student threw away and then a week later a safeway dumpster full of produce from which i found over 20 colored bell peppers with the only problem of being slightly wrinkly, etc, convincing and now he is more enthusiasthic than i, and then followed other great scores like 16 lbs of organic stawberries not counting other berries, half of which was salvagable, stuffed the car so full it was a hassle to see. 50 loaves of bread just expired. eggs thrown out a month early because someone misread the expiry date. mushrooms still cold and fresh. an orange in a bag goes moldy the whole thing is tossed, similar for egg in a dozen. mind boggling also yes free food so much free groceries, more than we can eat. now we spend food money mostly on cheese chocolate coffee cookies ice cream and milk, and the good luxurious stuff, feels rich man. a real confidence booster, a way to provide while sayinf fuck you to the system, maybe a way to make money when we get settled.

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i push for him to go home instead of go south because its fucking roasting here. and then maybe we can find some more dumpster fun, while having storage space. it is like a loot box and i have gambler genetics from both sides.
in texas now the worst place so far the people are loud and rude , in two days i have fonud 50 nnovel species of bug to me, so many bugs,terrible climate and mosquitoes which itch me awake (allergy), there is litter everywhere
There was a 2nd part to this i think, couldnt post it and lost it.about a month ago hostile 4chan cant post anything mobilee data/starlink/libraryw ifi

heres a picture from black canyon of the gunnison NP, CO

and ill write up another one sad tranny shit happened today

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So the past month its been travelling through TX and LA and had to spend too much time hanging around there,waiting for a package, to replace the shitty solar panel cable design which snapped, but probably will hardly see use anyway. What a hellhole TX was but even more fucked was the climate of LA where you just sweat. I already had a taste of humid heat, and gators, before (separately), did not care for it again much, although the curiousity of the cuisine, and their wonderful gulf shrimp did....

Pretty boring in that place where we had to linger, we spent most of it indoors or in car. RUnning the air con all day. All night. Too hot to go outside while the sun is up. Too many mosquitoes to go outside while the sun is down. Eating benardyl like candy because the allergy is bad yet the bloodsuckers love me, me specifically. I'm extra tasty. I've got thirty bites on me right now. The mosquitoes always prefer me, so he doesn't feel any empathy when I'm hitting my legs at 2am woken by the pain. I've just been in constant pain for the past month. The no-see-ums aren't so discriminatory.

So hot and humid, the worst I ever felt. The dumpster diving's going well. We haven't bought produce since. We tried some things which were previously not on our radar, favorably, like zuchinni. In this climate the dumpsters fill up with flies and maggots to an unbelievably gross degree. My cotton pants grew mold. Then I bled on the other one. Then we went to the laundromat and it didnt get the bloodstains out and he cooked the mold pants and that kind doubled or tripled in price because plastic-free clothing is a niche allowing price gouging. And half the laundromats we go to don't actually do anything. They don't use water.

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Everywhere I turn there's a scam waiting for me. I found out 5G is BAD for the consumer. It just offers worse performance. Carriers know this and turn off the ability to disable it. We ate out at a decently regarded place. Well the gumbo was also a SCAM with barely any seafood and it tastes like chemicals. I'm talking to gemini a lot now, as an interactive search engine. Yeah, the laundromat just scams you bro. Yeah, commercial kitchens all use shortcuts. There's gums everywhere. I can't eat out because I guess my supertaster tongue detects that funny stuff they use for flavor, or my gut rejects the gums they use cut corners or costs. What hell. There's more scams-- Got some rotten shrimp lately. But maybe I could have avoided that. You can't avoid a systematic issue where laundromats just use near zero water and commercial kitchens don't give you real food.

I wore the new pair of pants I found for him at a thrift. A nice pair, it's everything I ever wanted aside from not my size. Cargo pockets, elastic waistband, zip offs, full range of motion due to gusset, pen pockets, zippered pockets, 2 ply supplex nylon super quick dry... I wear as shorts and fall in love. It's uniform pants saying FOREST SERVICE cut for bike patrol officers. So it trunciates at my ankle, important for a sandal wearer. And it got room for the feminine thighs and ass. And I can squat to pick up those chanterelles because there's mushrooms everywhere in the humidity of LA. If it's possible to get it my size, it's perfect. Wow, another rabbithole. They just don't make clothes good for the consumer, just the industry, cause only business can sue. So now I got a thinkphone, thinkpad, and tactical pants. Go enterprise. Everything is a scam, there's so much more I've discovered, like chairs. And apparently thrift stores throw out clothes my size, despite me not being close to any statistical anomaly. And I've got hardly anyone to talk to about it.

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I already knew there was scams everywhere by reading my food labels but by golly it's actually fucking everywhere and requires too much time or brainpower or intellect to understand. I have an engineer's brain. I'm used to it and I'm glad the internet offers me choice. If one's got the money, too.

THe area makes me miss the climate of home. Less buggy, Never humid. Good fruit. It's peach season. Good peaches don't come in stores. I introduced my friend to many new or fresher fruits when he stayed over in California. Tasting the difference, he said there's only fake fruit where he's from (although the problem might be shopping at walmart). He thinks peaches aren't good. If I only ever had store peaches I'd think that too. The people in california are more varied, more varied ethnicity and foods that they bring and also intelligence. It's like everyone south is stupid. And I can see the heat has probably throttled their brains bad over generations. The reason doesn't matter much does it? But there's more variation where I was from.

The novelty's still nice, some cool bugs i wouldnt have seen had we been there in winter, first time trying chanterelles and doing a crawfish boil etc. I wanted to go to the 51st state, Canada, instead of south. Probably will sometime....

And then a cop woke us up today probably thought I was being trafficked >>44067717

Wow what a headache that life is and now Ive got to install Lineage on my new autismphone Which i got to use Verizon (T mobile has the worst coverage) but actually lineage doesn't support verizon 5g oops.

thanks for reading my lonely blogpost sorry

It feels i'll never be rid of the lonely. All i do is repress it until I am overcome with urges to drink until oblivion. its been a year now

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and I havent got that catharsis in quite awhile and i'm also mad over the clothes industry as my previous boy scout switchbacks blew out (two different pairs) because "stuff is built for consumers to look gay rather than consumers to squat" - the slop generator. and it was impossible to find these pants that are actually usable gear pants because there is no fanbase for some mysterious reason, not enough of those kind who are intelligent and curious enough to be captivated by such design and quality of the uniform assigned. That or being unwilling to spoonfeed anyone what the perfect pooner pants are

It's too damned hot but I worked out anyways

Fuck summerrrr

>>44069999
why is my name not summer :(

bump :3