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>>44325348
Cant give details, lest someone recognize me and stick me in the ER and make the financial strain on the people around me even worse. In short, I hurt people. I make people worse. And Im rightfully abandoned by everyone.
Unfortunately, it seems the spot I was eyeing to jump from has high vertical bars to probably prevent exactly that. The search for my end continues. Fortunately Im in a state where firearms are easy to purchase, and I can pass a background check easy, so maybe Ill just go to classic bloody mess route. Shame. I always thought I'd be a jumper.

>>44325527
I think we've all done bad things. It's just part of being human, sometimes we fuck up. That doesn't mean we don't deserve a chance. Maybe I'm selfish, but I hope you don't go through with it. I hope instead that things get better for you.

>>44325570
Things wont. They cant. My last possible lifeline cut ties with me. I am truly alone. I want to die.

I'm fucking tired of being a repper

>>44325610
I'm sorry, nona. :(

>>44325634
What's stopping you from transitioning?

>>44325700
i'm 25, which as we know, is too late.
i should have transitioned years ago

>>44325762
I didn't get my egg cracked until 32. The best time to plant a tree may be 20 years ago, but the second best time is right now. It's not too late.

>>44325792
but what if i'm faketrans and it's just a brainworm

I have a bf who I live with but no friends. my bf doesn't like to go out to do anything fun so life is so dull that I want to kms often.

>>44325830
I don't really like the idea of "faketrans" as it discounts some valid experiences, but only you can answer that for sure. If you're hanging out somewhere such as this and saying you should have transitioned years ago, though, I think you may have answered your own question. There's not really any harm in trying HRT to see if it's for you; permanent effects take a while, so you can always stop if you're not sure.

>>44325834
Can you try to make friends outside of your relationship with your boyfriend?

>>44325887
You might be right
I already picked out a name for myself a long long time ago
I do want to be a woman

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>>44325912
You can do it. I believe in you. <3

I have to get up early tomorrow, so I should go try to sleep. Goodnight, thread. I hope you all have a pleasant evening.

>>44325887
I had one friend but he kept flirting while drunk texting. I tried to use that t4t social app but everyone on it wanted sex. I don't really know how to try at this point.

I'm a 30 year old cis male in Portland and I want a gf.

>>44325929
Thanks fren, sleep well <3

if you have a partner and hes not enough and you need other "friends" then leave him. if you truly love someone then you wont need anyone else.

>>44326008
grok, is this true?

>>44325527
don't

>>44326041
Why not

>>44325610
I don't wanna downplay your previous connections, they're important and I know that hurt, but you can always make new ones. There's always possibilities if you keep trying. It'll never be the same, but that doesn't mean it can't be good

>>44326036
Asked gock and this is not true

>>44326112
You know nothing. Im a grim fucking monster who will meet a grim fucking end and everyone will be better off for it. Its been proven time and again and I took the bait one last fucking time that maybe I had grown and become better and hurt one of the most wonderful people Ive met in my entire fucking tragedy of a life. Ill never meet someone like that again, and if I do, Ill fucking hurt them, too. Because thats what I do. Thats all Im capable of.

>>44326044
I don't want that.

>>44326148
Has it ever occured to you that the mindset of "I hurt people" just becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy to fuel some sort of confirmation bias through self-sabotage? If you're hurting people you care about, all you can do is learn how not to hurt them and the only thing that would make you a bad person is actively not choosing to be better for the people you love. Since idk what you supposedly did, I just have to assume that it's something you can come back from and you're just being chuuni about it. Get some therapy, make some connections. You can be happy, I promise, you've just gotta give yourself enough slack to help yourself

>>44326229
You dont understand. My current choice is between a life of misery by myself followed by death or just death. Im not exaggerating, ive thought my options through. Ive burned financial resources to consult professionals. Ive gone through way too many therapists who told me "damn, your life sucks, guess you'll be fucked up forever" and abandoned me.
I met one fucking person I could rely on and actually trust and I couldnt not fucking betray their trust because Im broken.
>>44326149
Why the fuck should I care what you want, anyways. You dont know me.

>>44326266
just please don't Vee. I want to fix it. I can't make it all just go away like I thought I could. It'll take time but please don't take that chance away from me

>>44326266
Some therapists are fucking pricks, I have personal experience with that, too, but there are good ones. I never deserved a good life, either. I've treated a lot of people pretty badly, but now I have friends who don't even believe me when I say that. You can get better. If that person who responded to you really is here looking for you, please don't ignore them

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look, you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be

But that's okay, I love being betrayed
Getting put in second place, forgotten and erased

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>>44326443
People dont believe me when I tell them Im a devil. Every time. And then I find some way to hurt them. Dont even mean to most of the time. Usually it's because I was scared. Every time. Every goddamn time. Without fail.
>>44326343
Fuck... of course youre here. Of course I find another way to cause hurt. Of course you know its me because Im so fucking obvious.
And I cant even fib and be like "uh, who's Vee" because thats the entire fuckin life lesson Im learning right now is stop fuckin lying when Im scared of what people will think.
Fucking
Ugh
Fuck
Fine!
Fucking fine!
Ill keep myself safe. Just dont. Dont worry about me tonight. Or tomorrow. Dont worry about me. Ill be fine. And dont you dare beat yourself up for the decades old wounds Im tending right now, cuz I know youre the kind of person to do that and its not your responsibility. Im just gonna go. Scream at the trees or something.

My facial hair is getting thicker and the mustache shadow is always there in the morning now :( still a twinkish little piddly excuse of a goatee so that’s good but not great

it feels like life already passed me by and left me. i have the next 4 days off from work and i genuinely dont even know what im gonna do. just sit around and be lonely. i've tried going to events and groups. i've tried the apps. people always tell me i'm nice and funny and cool but i'm still utterly alone. i think i'm just gonna give up

At what point do I stop feeling like I'm letting everybody down by transitioning?
I feel like nobody knows what to do with me now that I'm a year in and I'm visibly different. It almost feels like everybody was hoping it was a phase so they could just ignore it and now they're uncomfortable at the sight of me

>>44326926
I know how you feel. It feels like nothing works. I'm not ready to give up yet but I will if nothing changes.
Is there anything that gets close to stemming the loneliness for you? Good experiences?

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Functioning in society as an autistic manmoder is just impossible. I should just prepare a sui kit sooner or later, else I'll die homeless anyway.

This feels ungrateful but I'm really mad at myself for not transitioning earlier
One year in and I've got massive tits that I can't hide in public even with a hoodie, but I've got a bricky ass face and no hips.
I could've been a really pretty woman if I wasn't such a coward when I was younger

>>44326949
just meaningless flings that don't go anywhere and end up with me feeling even more sad and alone than before. i feel like the world is trying to tell me to just give up and die alone and it gets harder and harder to resist it each time

Eugh, need to get up early tomorrow to catch the train but stayed up way too late melting down. Morning's gonna be fun.
Break down over interpersonal drama time over, time to go beg to my corporate overlords to be allowed to sell my body to them so me and my kids can eat. I have to refresh my lease by the end of next month otherwise my rent doubles and, frankly, unless I find a job, I wont be able to pay for that lease for another full year. But moving away from the city (likely to my grandma's house in the middle of nowhere) would be an actual death knell for me. Gonna have to just take the chance and keep hoping the job market unfucks itself in time.
>>44326982
Grew up homeless, it's fucking rough out there. It aint impossible tho as long as you dont have other complications (eg kids, severe debt).
>>44326926
Loneliness epidemic is very real, and it gets harder the more responsibility you have. Double whammy if you have mental health issues. Between job hunt, kids, chores, errands, and my regularly scheduled mental breakdowns over the stress of all of the above, I dont really have time to even try to get out to events or anything. Im about to fucking force the issue anyways because of my sole source of IRL interaction continues to be... uh, what it is... im going to claw my fucking face off and jump into the Atlantic.
Anyways. Keep at it. If youre meeting people youre at least on the right path. IMO socializing and making friends is a numbers game more than anything.

Okay goodnight thread.

>>44327084
i genuinely have no ties to this world and no responsibilities. i wake up, i go to work, i come home. that's literally it.

i’ve spent so long trying to figure out my hair literally been stressing about it for 8 years. if i can’t even figure this out how will i ever transition.

>>44327096
I have a song you might like. Ill dig it up tomorrow morning.
Cool thing about having no ties is youre also the most free. I would commit seriously heinous crimes to be able to rewind time back to when I had no responsibilities, no obligations, no ties. Then Id kick my younger self in the balls til she spat up blood while telling her to stop disrespecting herself by constantly taking on other people's burdens and dreams.
You can be anything you want. You should try to explore - see what makes you smile.
>>44327104
Google is your friend. There is literally a treasure trove of hair care info out there. Search by your hair type (look up hair types. It goes like 1A, 2A, 1B, 3C, etc)

>>44327120
i'm 30 years old and very, very tired. i have no long term plans or ambitions. i just want a simple life with someone who cares about me, that's all. i live alone. i eat alone. i sleep alone. work and shopping is the only human interaction i get most days, other than running into a neighbor when having a smoke.

I've realized I'm transmasc very recently (28 years old), I may have repressed it since the start over terrible things I'd rather not mention, so now I look back and see many signs and feel like I wasted my entire life feeling this infinite oppressive discomfort.Transitioning at this point of my life feels terrifying and pointless and I don't know how to deal with any of it except by avoiding to think about it but the thoughts and the dysphoria creep back again, now that I understand it better, I'm having a really hard time avoiding it, and It’s wearing me down a lot. I wish I wasn't so afraid to look inside of me when I was younger, maybe I would've known sooner and things could’ve been different. Now it's just too late.

>>44327226
It's not too late. Doing anything now will feel better than regretting doing nothing in the future. Love and take care of yourself, please

I wish I could give everyone here a hug. And to do my own, objectively less important venting: I thought about her again today. I'm so stupid, I can just message her and at least talk, but even that makes me nervous with how strongly I feel

There were a pair of weirdo twilight fanfic obsessed sisters who were secretly "in love" with me during high school 20+ yrs ago. They thought I looked like Justin Bieber and projected onto me that I was him. The older one just observed me from afar, but the younger one confessed her feelings towards the end of college. I tried letting her down easy, but her reaction was to speedrun the ruination of her life. I know both sisters have devoted themselves to ruining mine for at least the past decade. The only skills these 300lb psycho SAHMs have are collecting welfare and an ability to gossip, network, cyberstalk, and fabricate elaborate believable stories.

They moved in next door to me for at least 3 years without me knowing. Had my house raided by police for "kidnapping little girls", had IRS and US marshalls interrogate my family over ancient shitposts, convinced multiple LTR gfs (and their families and my whole town) that I was cheating w/ men, got dozens of mental health professionals researching me through unethical means, and so much more. The unrelenting insane bullshit I deal with would make for a thrilling TV series. It's almost like I have a secret KF thread somewhere.

I'm painfully average in most things, but live in an area drowning in poverty and addiction. Just having your basic shit together is all it takes to be highly desirable and envied around here. Every failure-to-thrive millennial food service or Walmart worker wants me dead.

I can't have anything nice or have friends or date. I'm harassed everywhere I go. My home is beautiful but it's a gilded cage. Can't move due to family. I basically only exist on the internet, but stalkers got all of my accounts banned and use AI bots to flood my known online spaces trying to catfish me.

What do I do? I have years of documented harassment but small town law enforcement won't do shit (those girls are friends with many local good ol' boys, so I wouldn't be shocked if they were paid informants or smth)

i'm just so, so tired. and sleeping doesn't help.

maybe i'll try sleeping just a bit longer. i wonder if i'd dream

Can someone please tell me why this is happening? Reading this board makes me want to kill myself.
I can't even express what it is coherently. I'm 22 at the moment, transition/support/lgbt is illegal in the shithole I live in, the best I can do in terms of leaving is in a year from now. I don't know what is the issue, what it is oriented to. I don't even know if have a right to post here or be categorized as having gender issues or if I'm just mentally damaged. Reading this board, people usually have a valid reason to be (trans?), for someone it's a sex or fetish-based thing, for some it's a role-in-society (I think?) thing, to some it's about relationship things. I don't even know if that's true, but the point is that gender change gives them something in return, there is a gain for them. And for me there is no pull, at all: indifferent to sex, never wanted even an idea of a relationship, I don't think I want a female-role (I don't want any type of role), so there's nothing on the different side. At the same time, I really do not like masculinity, doesn't matter good or bad traits of it, male roles, male physiology, my body etc. It would be great if communication was brain-to-brain, and not whatever this is. For a long time thought (and still do) of myself as a person with no gender at all, because why does it even matter? But this escalates in waves sometime, with thoughts like "I hate my gender, I hate my body, I've lost so much time, there's still time to transition". And I'm not opposed to those thoughs, having a female body is miles better than this one, just because it's not male. I don't fucking know.
Also have no idea if all of this is even truthful. Yeah I've had these feelings for 7-8 years, they came in waves that with time got bigger and bigger, so that's not new. The other side is that I'm bipolar, so maybe it always was just a fixation surfacing because of a mental illness? But I take pills and still the same thing again resurfaces, again in waves.

i failed at my transition by becoming a retard alcoholic

1 month and a week sober realizing i completely fucked up my life and wasted so much time being a loser. im such a fucking idiot lowlife

I'm a terminally unhappy person. I've been told by the people closest to me for as long as I can remember "its like a rainy cloud follows you everywhere you go". I'm 20. I tried to kill myself for the first time when I was 15, and spent age 15-17 in and out of psych wards and long term residential treatment, and then long term outpatient treatment (basically group therapy, 8 hours a day, mon-fri) replaced highschool. I'm going into my second year at college now and I havent met a single person. I eat lunch in my car. I only talk to my mom and one close friend every so often, but she lives a few hours away. I'm physically exhausted 24/7 too, I'll lay in bed for a week if I don't have a reason to get up. My personality and anhedonia has pushed almost everyone away, or I've never known how to maintain contact with more than one or two people really.

I socially detransitioned 2 years ago, because I was still so unhappy and constantly spiraling. I changed back my legal sex and decided to boymode permanently. Last semester, I sat next to a trans girl with my old name. She was artsy, seemed sociable, likeable. I've never been like that. I think I've always just wanted to be someone else, physically and mentally. Its honestly hard to accept this is my life, this is who I am, I'm stuck here. I feel like I should apologize for wasting your time, if you've read this far.

Good luck to all posters here. With loving-kindness.

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>>44325367
>A thread I started lasted until the bump limit. Achievement unlocked.
yay!

good luck on your trip. you should do the thing.

I’m falling hard for someone who I should not be!

>>44327771
why shouldn't you be?

I broke up with my gf (t4t) a few weeks despite her begging me not to. We would constantly argue about little shit and these arguments would drain us both and we would both end up saying things we regret. I can’t even think about any of the good times we had because my train of thought just leads into how I would fuck up like an hour later or whatever and she would call me a bad person or a coward or said I ruin her self confidence, and it makes me want to cry or throw up. We’re still trying to stay friends and I invited her to all the same local friend group chats I’m in (I’m a huge furry and she’s furry curious) but god seeing her face everywhere in those chats just makes me depressed a little bit. She berates me for stupid stuff aswell like I hang out with close friends and then she texts me that I’m cutting her off from everyone because I didn’t invite her. I feel really lost and confused, and ultimately like shit. Is there any hope for me? I know forgiveness will take forever but it’s so hard being here with all this weight in my chest ;-;

>>44327819
I’m the side nigga

>>44327952
please tell me more i live for this type of thing

>>44328192
you are a bad person

Is being a hikkikomori really that bad of a thing?
I feel as though my mental health has improved ever since i became one

>>44327634
You need to DIY, you're really not that special and everything youve said is pretty common talking points.

>>44326678
of course I'm gonna worry

I can’t fucking take it anymore
I can’t be a repper my entire life

>>44328733
Well, don't.

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>>44328739

>>44325944
Making friends can be a challenge once you start getting older. :(
Maybe try friendgen, or one of the Discord servers?

>>44326148
>Im a grim fucking monster
You know I've never believed that. I still don't.

i think im actually gonna start journaling even tho i hate the idea of it

>>44329993
Why do you hate the idea of it?

>>44330068
idk it seems fake and gay. and i really dont like the idea that someone could read it.

>>44328510
Some amount of human connection is good for you nona, you just need to find the right balance. Maybe you were spending too much time around others before and were getting burnt out, that's okay! But becoming a complete recluse isn't good for you, and you should try finding how much social interaction you can handle before it becomes too much. Even a little bit is better than nothing.

>>44330077
Trust me, miles better than someone you know finding your half- insane scribblings on 4chan or a random discord server. You don't think it will happen till it does, harharhar.

>>44330077
Yeah, it's gonna feel dumb to start with. Doesn't mean it won't help.
If you're worried about others reading it, you can always just tear the pages out when you're done and throw 'em into a fire. Let your words and your worries fly off into the wind like ash.

lol what if i have one of these crying fits in public. or in front of my parents. lmao. i wonder if i could hold it together enough to vaguely blame "the meds" AND not explain even if asked. you think they would believe a chem major does know and didnt ask what theyre taking?

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https://voca.ro/1it41QTX8DGq

>>44330112
b-b-but im anon. and vague. and even change details. no i have no idea why posting personal info to my cia handler through this reply box feels "safe".

>>44330117
yeah it seems to help a lot. it is very strange idk how that works. ive always been able to memorize things by writing them down so it definitely gets my thoughts in order. although ive been typing them into Untitled (43).txt. maybe ill encrypt them. i think it would be nice to read later, which i cant do with my posts here. even if the agent with my device fingerprint can collate them, from my perspective posting to the void is a lot like throwing them into the fire.

>>44329211
Unfortunately it’s not an option

>>44330168
Take it from a former federal agent: they don't care about you unless you're very powerful (think moving millions of dollars or influencing the lives of thousands of people) or a potential terrorist threat. Who might care is random friends who know you well enough.
Then again, I'm speaking from the position of someone whose friend groups are almost entirely 4channers because Im a super well adjusted person or something.
>>44330179
DIY DIY DIY DIY

>>44330212
Yeah DIY is an option and I’ve looked into it before but I just wouldn’t pass so there’s no point

>>44330226
wrong(and dumb)

>>44330231
NTA, I’m someone who DIYd and doesn’t pass. What now? Like my life got better for a year or two and now I’m just as miserable and depressed as before because I still look male. I think overall it’s about the same either way…

>>44330231
No, really. I’m 5’11 with feet the size of shopping containers. I have an extremely masculine jawline and I’m 25
Never even began

>>44330260
im bigger taller and older. the meme with the manmoder who has flippers for feet is about me.

its worth it. i cant say my life is better bc i didnt have a life before.

>>44330258
>I’m just as miserable and depressed as before
probly not
>because I still look male
probly bc u gotta work on ur shit in general

I really thought I could have a normal life after all the bs.. So I moved and nope, started having these panic episodes that come out of nowhere and make me feel like I'm having a heart attack.. No job so these medical bills are going to rape my savings.. The fatigue after is insane and my chest sometimes feel very weak, arms and leg numbness, and difficult to walk. I'm wearing a heart monitor but all the signs say it isn't really my heart but its still so scary.. I'm 26 and I wish I could have a normal life, friends.. maybe a bf or gf, job, college. It's been a month of this and I'm heart broken and full of despair

>>44330283
I think maybe I’m just overthinking everything
I also have to wait so I can be certain this isn’t some strange bipolar freakout which is something I’m prone to.
Then again this has happened before

>>44330348
>Then again this has happened before
yeah. you know what that means.

i just found out you can sell csgo skins to buy crypto without id and nice people will send estrogen to your door in 3-5 days. so if you want you dont actually have to wait that long.

what an interesting world.

>>44330260
I was a military gymbro who was (and still is) bigger than most people. I started at 30. Today, less than 3 years in, I passed many times, to many people - strangers and hospital workers - completely unprompted.
Genetics are 90% of the work and youd be surprised how much can change.
That said, passing aint everything. One of my tipping points was simply not wanting to be a man. Not wanting to grow old as a man. Not wanting to bald like my father. Etc etc. At the very very very least HRT stops further masculanization. Cuz, trust me, testosterone keeps poisoning you WELL past your teens.
Never rep. Its never worth it. I regret every. Single. Second. That I spent repressing between the ages of 18 and 30.

>>44330384
>6 years in
>still male face
>started at 18
So over

>>44330375
Yeah, it’s an unfortunate set of circumstances. Also funny you mentuon that because I sold like 15k worth of cs2 skins like 5 years ago for this exact reason
>>44330384
I’m fucking balding like my dad. It hurts so bad

>>44330384
>Never rep. Its never worth it. I regret every. Single. Second. That I spent repressing between the ages of 18 and 30.
same and i repped even longer.

its absolutely baffling as to why. it makes zero sense just do it

Demon pride when? I identify as part-demon.

i hate being a moid with an ed
everyone treats me like im slow or something
may i am slow
but they treat as if it were contagious or as if i were a little lost child

>>44330579
I also have an ED and my parents still text me asking if i’ve eaten anything and my friends used to order food to my house because I looked frail

>>44330451
Look, better than not starting and getting even more moided. I could pass as a woman at 18 without hormones but by 24 there was no way in hell. I squared out so fucking much in my early 20s, it's insane.
Also dont trust your own perception. I still look like a man to me in the mirror. Brainworms are fucking brutal. I trust more what other people say.
>>44330470
My literal final breaking point was realizing my hair was starting to move from my head to my shoulders. Fortunately I started soon after and all of that reversed. Unfortunately, Ive had a 5head since I was a toddler, so its still pretty brutal. Im still deciding how I feel about the bangs I got cut in a few weeks ago...
Get on finasteride + hormones and maybe itll reverse as long as it hadn't been long enough for the roots to completely die.
>>44330471
Mental gymnastics. We know em well. If I had even one person supporting me at 18 I would have made the jump, but alas, I have a long history of making people hate my guts, lmao.
>>44330477
Im a full-blown crossroads devil and I know it. >:3

>>44329195
I'm glad you're still here <3

>>44330384
Unironically makes me feel a little better reading this
I'm a year in and I still don't feel like I pass but also hormones have clearly done enough that people give me suspicious looks even when man moding.
This kinda makes me almost wanna stop trying and just girlmode full time if people are gonna tell either way

>>44330623
>If I had even one person supporting me at 18 I would have made the jump
same. i was thinking about that last night. cause other people had support. and i was really really obvious. i literally ran around the house in makeup girl jeans and pink boots telling my gf at the time that i was training her to be a lesbian for the future where i troon out.

and i still was like, who me, trans? nah lol im too tall!

>>44330623
>If I had even one person supporting me at 18 I would have made the jump

I wish I had that kind of self awareness. I had internalized some awful feelings about transness that would've kept me from doing it.
I had a friend ask if she could dress me up and put makeup on me to "see what I'd look like as a girl" and I vehemently fought against her request and got really angry.
It's been over a decade later and I still think about that. I hope she's doing okay

>>44330782
I was insisting I was or should be a girl since I was 5 or so, much to the chagrin of my family. My mother was openly very LGBT supportive (and was fine with the idea of me being gay in an "attracted to men" way), but was privately deeply misogynistic and Im pretty sure hated me all things considered. She never hated on me directly for expressing trans thoughts, but went to great lengths to convince me that being a woman was an objectively awful experience and the worse of the two genders. A lot of the shit she said took decades for me to root out and Im still working through internalized misogyny/transphobia issues.
Funnily enough, she admitted to me months before her death (shortly after I came out and just before I picked my name) that if she were born a couple of decades later, she would have probably been ftm. Go fucking figure.
I had a friend who supported me in my late teens and even helped me get hormones, but she ended up cutting contact due to personal issues. Another friend called me a raging misogynist for wanting to be a "imitation of a woman" and I fucking triple backflipped straight into the back of the closet from there.
All I needed was one fucking person to tell me I wasn't fucking insane. Guh.

I should tell my brother I’m a repper if I’m feeling like this

>>44330628
Yea yea yea

>>44330919
God that's too real.
One of my earliest memories is asking my mom why I was born a boy when I was like, 4.
She said she was happy I wasn't another girl because she didn't want all daughters(I have three sisters) and liked that we each had a place there.
I felt horrible. I think it's my earliest memory of feeling guilty for anything

>>44330983
My earliest questioning memory was actually kinda wholesome. My grandpa was talking about "transsexuals" because a little trans girl had made the news. I asked him what that meant and he said sometimes little boys actually turn out to be little girls in the wrong body and they start dressing like little girls and maybe get medicine when they get older. Bear in mind this was in the 90s. I told him thats me, thats what I wanted. So he told me that if I licked my elbow, I would become a girl. I spent that entire summer trying to lick my elbow, and thanks to kid physics, actually managed to towards the end. So I guess that's how I became a girl.
I didnt know at the time that my grandma's hair salon, which was run out of their home, was a trans inclusive salon and a lot of the women I saw coming and going were trans women. Unfortunately my grandpa died soon after (kidney failure + broken heart from his eldest son dying young) and that leg of the family collapsed, which isolated me with my abusive mom who went spiraling because she was never "good enough" for her own parents so she wanted me to be perfect and, well... yea. A tranny daughter would have never been perfect in her eyes, I guess. I always wonder what my life would have been like if my grandpa had survived another 5 or 6 years...

Should I just tell my brother I’m a tranny

>>44331054
Awww
That's actually rly cute
I hope eventually all my memories of painting my nails or playing dress up with the girls down the street as a very little kid stop hurting and become something I can look back on fondly.
As it currently stands I just feel kind of bitter about those moments when I look back on them.
I don't want to become a resentful person for having a real girl hood taken from me. My parents loved me and were doing what they thought was best they just didn't know.

>>44331151
The way I think of it is that my childhood was still real (ignore the insane abuse and cult bullshit, we pretend that doesnt exist when we're not having a meltdown). I didnt have a boy's childhood. I have a trans girl's childhood. It's an entirely unique experience that comes with its own quirks and struggles. For me its a lot about fighting for your femininity rather than discovering it, and that makes all of my wins a little more valuable to me. I chose this, despite a lifetime of being wrong, despite a lifetime of hiding the real me in the closet, despite everything.
Every little moment I got to express myself growing up is all the more precious because those moments added up to what I am now.

I remember being like 4-5 with long hair and the girls in my class would braid it and stuff during break
Then when I was like 7 my mom made me cut it and keep it short

>>44331306
I used to cry every time I got a haircut as a kid.
Eventually I managed to get my mom to let me grow it out of pity when I said I wanted my hair to cover up my hearing aids because I didn't wanna deal with kids bothering me about them.

>>44325356
I'm having this sinking regret wash over me about transitioning. I've never felt more lonely in my entire life. All the trans girls I meet up with are horny degenerates who genuinely are extremely creepy. Ive tried dating men but the only ones who want me view me as a fetish and just want to be friends with benefits or one night stands. I can't date women because they think I transitioned to get with a lesbian. I feel so hopeless

it only gets worse with time my mom told me indirectly I should just do it already

>>44325356
Read this as "get in loser, we're going to the rapy." Like I thought they were all going to get raped.

>>44331589
I don't regret transitioning because I've found a few people who are chill but it is upsetting.
In particular there's something really off-putting to me about how other trans people take my also being trans as an excuse to start making really creepy commentary on me.
I'm not poly, I fucking hate that people assume I am just because I wanted to be a girl

>>44331777
Im super not a fan of a lot of the assumptions that go with being trans in general, personally. My usual grinding point is people who assume Im autistic and apply that template to me when interacting. Like, no, I dont have a "special interest", no Im not an introvert who needs lots of personal space, no Im not gonna stim or get overstimulated by crowded environments. Doesn't help that I do have some deeply cut trauma that resembles some of those if youre not paying attention (sensitive to loud noises due to childhood abuse, not open to touch with nee acquaintances other than hugs for similar reasons). Im a somewhat shy extrovert with a fair bit of social acumen who doesnt know how to shut the fuck up once she gets going for real. Liek, dgwm, aint nothing wrong with being on the spectrum and Im not bothered by that assumption in and of itself (esp since Im ADHD as fuq and neurodivergences can feel similar at a glance) - its just that treating me with the autist gloves just leaves me feeling kinda socially isolated and weird about things.

>>44331860
Yeahh
I'm gonna be frank I'm autistic as fuck. I don't have any sensory issues but I do tend to overanalyze social situations due to getting burned by misreading the room in the past.
I can't say I've dealt with much direct condescension as a result of it but maybe that's just that I got better at masking it, I dunno
Someone says "neurospicy" around me I'm killing myself

>>44331929
For me what winds up happening is I meet people who are used to accommodating for autistic people. They start trying to make those accommodations for me, but the thing is, those kinds of accomodations lead an extreme extrovert like me to feeling very isolated. Its not a sense of condescension and more of "I didnt ask you to turn down the lights and try to give me tons of space and ask me about any special interests and that's super sweet that youre trying, but I literally just want to talk to you like a normal fucking person please???"
Itd be like being directed the long way around to a wheelchair ramp coming into a building. Im glad you have those accommodations, but please just let me take the stairs so I can get inside, lol.
Idunno its a topic Im very weird about and am still sorting out mentally and its entirely based on maybe a handful of actual sour experiences and a fuckton of overthinking. Ive been told the way I talk about it is hurtful to autists? So Im still kind trying to find a way to properly understand and express the weird fucking feelings that come from it.

I told my brother I'm a repper and he said he has no idea what that means
Which is weird because he knows all the /tttt/ stuff

>>44332066
Did you actually explain the term?

>>44328192
That’s literally it, they’re in an open relationship so it’s not cheating. It’s not interesting at all.

>>44332009
Naw I getcha
Over accommodation is off-putting. As a kid I got put in sped classes because my hearing loss wasn't diagnosed early enough and it fucking sucked. I was given resources I didn't really want or need but they were being forced on me long after I had hearing aids because they equated my disability with an actual learning disability.
It gave me a lifelong chip on my shoulder about accepting help from anybody because I didn't want them to hold my hand

>>44332096
No, honestly I expected him to get it and I was a bit upset when he didn't
I probably will later, to which he will try to convince me to start HRT

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Due to recent events, I've been doing a lot of thinking on the dissolution of friendships and how my past experiences have been impacting my reactions. I've lost a lot of friends over my life. I've worked on plenty of ailing friendships, too. Something I've been through time and again is that when things are bad, one of two things happens:
>We stay friends and work on fixing the problems that led to that point. These friendships tend to become stronger than before and last much longer.
>One of us (usually them, because I'm clingy) says the friendship is over and that's it
In the later, usually a path to reconciliation in some nebulous "later" is usually offered. I leave the door open and am told "can't be friends right now, maybe later". But every time, without fail, "later" never ever came. Earlier in my life, it kept me emotionally on the hook and waiting - sometimes months, sometimes years (I'm pathetic) - but they never come back. They're never ready. So I've come to find that I internalized being told that I'm not someone's friend anymore that there's no chance in hell. They're not my friend and never will be again. I can't get past that. They're something that isn't even an acquaintance - they're now someone I can't even look at or be in the same space with lest I cause some kind of discomfort with my mere presence. And that plays on an adjacent issue of mine - once I feel like my presence is unwanted, I will stay far away. I think one feeds into the other.
So when my best friend told me we can't be friends right now... I'm sure she had other intentions, but all my mind heard was "our friendship is no longer worth working on at all". In the blink of an eye, every abandonment issue and feeling of worthlessness boiled up and led to a singular conclusion: "If the person who knows me best feels I'm no longer worth trying to know, then I am not worth anyone knowing at all".
(1/2)

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(2/2)
So, that's where I'm at. I can barely bring myself to speak to anyone at all right now, outside of rambling here because my brain doesn't work on internal monologues for whatever reason. Don't really know how I'm going to continue forward. Sure, seek therapy, get better, make new friends. But I don't think I can really get past the fact that every person who has ever peeked under the mask has turned away eventually. Every fucking thing that's wrong with me has been highlighted all over again and I couldn't even get a "hey, let's take some space away from each other while I sort my feelings out", no, the thread of friendship had to be severed all together - that's how awful I am.
Makes me really wish I could go back to being some kind of unpersoned golem.
Even if she comes back, I'm not sure how easy it will be for me to believe. To believe that the things I said won't come back up again and just break the friendship apart again.
>>44332135
You get it, haha. I don't think I've ever really dealt with being over-accommodated, but I definitely have life-long issues with struggling with being helped. That's a whole nother discussion tho.

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>>44332863
Ig its unfair to say "every single person". My spouse stayed with me (after not talking to me for a year when I inevitably hurt him), but Im pretty sure thats as much a "only I will tolerate him" situation as it is a "only he will tolerate me" one. Mutually beneficial destruction.
And my childhood best friend always came back. He just called me a two-faced bastard and started punching me in the face when I was out of line. Not sure how healthy that was, but it worked, ig.
So that makes two people in 30 years who peered under the mask and held on. A friend I no longer talk to (and has been very flaky on me since I moved back home) and a spouse I can barely stand to be around anymore. Go me, whooo.
Fuck my life I hate my fucking life, Im gonna go listen to metal thats way too loud in a shower thats way too hot until I stop feeling things again.

Fuck it
FUCK IT
FUCK IT
I'm done repping
I'm going to take my HRT and be normal

>>44333202
Well, for whatever this is worth(probably not much) I find you pleasant to chat with in these threads
You seem like a very sweet person despite however troubled you might be.
I'm not really used to people on this website being particularly empathetic lol

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>>44333399
Ahaaa, thank you thank you. That's the trick, that's what makes me a devil. Im very good at first impressions and at gaining trust. Problem comes when people meet the manipulative, emotional, weird, self-hating, fearful, obsessive, limerent, all-around borderline side of me. I try to warn people who are getting close to me that they wont like what they see once they tip the mask up. They never believe me. Ive at least learned not to say "I told you so" once theyre hurt.
"But Seraph, just stop acting crazy" if it were that easy Id have quashed it forever ago. My emotions run huge and hot and I struggle to stay grounded once they get running. I dont think Im *actually* necessarily evil or bad... I genuinely love my friends and would fall on my own sword for those closest to me... Im just someone who cant be trusted with close bonds. Someone who tends to hurt others.
So
Yknow
Thanks. Im glad to talk in this space esp if it helps people. It does actually mean a lot that someone is enjoying this, even if Im melting down rn.
Also, nice dub-quad-dubs.

Picrel: One of my problems with close friends, lmao.

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Planning on killing myself pretty soon. Friends abandoned me out of nowhere, got no partner, bpd and schizophrenic so basically just a burden on everyone around me. People around me know its about to happen and nobody wants to step in. Been on estrogen for 4 years, still look nothing like a woman. At this point its my only way out.

Someone convince me I'll be a pretty girl

>>44333317
Good choice and good Luck, I hope you feel better once you start hrt
>>44333664
How have your friends abandoned you? And I'm sorry nona, that's hell to live with
If I knew you I'd step in; I hope you don't go through with it and this pain is temporary for you rather than needing such a permanent cessation
>>44333693
It's a disservice to say you will without knowing anything, but you should strive regardless and take hrt
You can become a pretty girl, it could take luck, effort or money but it's possible depending on your circumstance

>>44333576
Happens
I think my main problem is that people get close to me and then realize I'm not really that good at maintaining things.
I don't talk about it much but I don't really tend to "miss" people when they're gone so it's really easy for me to get caught up in life and forget to check up on people.
I feel bad. I'm reliable if I'm called upon but if you need someone to reach out I'm terrible at it.
I've lost a lot of friends solely because they got tired of being the one to initiate things.
I'd had friends who died and I was the last person to find out. It sucks
It's not that I don't care about people I just get distracted. I'm really neglectful and it always happens

>>44333664
Brutal... hang in there, nona. Do you have any family you can rely on? :<
>>44333717
Oh hey its Puffin, Ive heard about you (from Honey), hi!
>>44333728
Ough yea, Ive been on both sides of this at one point or another. Maintaining friendships is tough and oftentimes takes deliberate effort.

>>44333717
I mean abandoning in the absolute most literal sense. Cutting off all contact from me for, from what i can tell, zero reason. If there is a reason, they didnt tell me. I cannot keep living like this, being disgusting, being alone. Nobody will ever love me or find beauty in me so why should I stick around? Its not getting better any time soon.

>>44333761
Not really. Family doesnt really care thay much about me. Being trans made me the black sheep

>>44333822
Sis, I feel this in my sooouuul. Im sure someone reading your messages could probs mistake it for me in a very bad place. Im out of friends (my fault), struggling with employment, running out of money. My grim thoughts regularly rotate between various forms of self destruction.
All I can think is to just keep going out of sheer spite. People say nothing is forever and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Im pretty sure Im marching towards Hades itself, but rather die there than give up not knowing just how much more awful my tragedy can grow. And who knows, maybe something will prove me wrong.
So maybe keep walking with others like us? Youre not alone in your struggles.

>>44333761
Hi Seraph :)
I knew someone that went by that name a long time ago; obv not u but thats cool to see
>>44333800
I don't think it's true that nobody will ever love you or find beauty in you. It's ascribing your beliefs onto others
I'm sorry you're alone now and that your friends abandonned you, even if it doesn't get better any time soon it doesn't mean it won't in future and I hope you'd be around to see it

>>44333717
Thank you. I was the 1st and last person you replied to. I'm sorry for being a retarded repper.

>>44333980
Ah yea, there was another Seraph on the boards, I know her. Sweet gal. I dont think she posts here anymore.

>>44333968
It just feels like ive been going off of sheer spite for too long. Is that all thats in store? Just existing out of spite and hoping something good happens?

>>44333980
I dont know. Ive been resilient for too long. Im tired of heartbreak and loneliness. Its so exhausting. Id rather not exist at all than gamble on a possible happiness reserved for people better than me, prettier and more stable than me.

>>44334157
Honestly, idk. I wish I could assure you better, but frankly Ive been powering through out of sheer spite for so long that I feel frail. I catch a hope spot now and then, then it flickers out of existence.
Ig keep working towards a future you feel you'll be happy in? If you feel abandoned by everyone, at least remember the good times and try to find new people to make happy memories with. There's millions out there so there's gotta be SOMEONE.

>>44333576
I'm still not sorry I got close to you. I don't think I told you, but I did see that trauma story you posted on the server before you deleted it. I didn't even flinch at that, either.

>>44333995
Ah hadn't realized you were same repper
make ur hrt appointment or buy the crypto to buy diy
>>44334157
I understand and I'm sorry nona
it's exhausting and it's unfair you have to deal with so much

>>44334387
Honey, I really wish I could drop my mask for you. Thats all Im gonna say.

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ik this thread already became too long but i feel like i need to vent rn

>be me, 15, repper, attracted to women
>first day of class
>see a beautiful girl with blue hair
>we talk for a while and we get along but never really develop a friendship
>months pass
>out of absulutely nowhere she comes out to me
>"anon, i'm a trans man and i want you to treat me as a man for now on"
>"uhm, ok i guess?"
>stop hanging out with him as often bc he seems to have lost interest in me
>develop a crush on him
>"wait, am i really a straight guy?"
>take the same bus as her almost daily only so i can see him
>he's so beautiful i simply cannot resist i need him to be my boyfriend
>switch schools and never see each other again
>fast forward to now
>19, mtf
>completely lonely, no friends and living in a very transphobic environment
>still think about him almost daily, feel like he's the only one who could understand me
>almost exclusively attracted to trans men now
>try to find him by any means but fail every time

i really, really miss him and i wish i could tell him how i felt abt him, but ig i just need to learn how to let go

>>44334718
shiiiii nobody gaf </3

>>44335119
Sorry, having a not great evening. Lost connections like that are hard. Do you remember his name? I had some luck reaching out to old friends across social media platforms sometimes. Dating may not necessarily be in the works (and as it goes, dont focus on one person as the end-all be-all. Thinking there is only one person for you is ALWAYS fallacious), but it might be nice to reconnect?

>>44325356
My goddamn single action revolver broke. I haven't even put more than a couple hundred rounds through it. I was playing with it using snap caps and I think the indexer broke and now it's fucked. How can I buy a new gun when I have to pay to fix an old gun? Fuck. FUCK.

>>44325830
Take the meds, you'll have a few months to see if you're fake trans or not (considering you're on this board, you're like 99% trutrans) before there's any semi reversible effects lol

>>44334718
I mean, it depends on how close you were
If you were just an admirer, it's best to move on and find a new guy. If you were friends near the end, then maybe it could be worth it to try and reconnect, but you'd need to be understanding if they didn't want to or cared
That;s why it might be better to find someone else
>>44335310
That blows, hopefully you can repair it or even atp just take a better look at why it'd fail so quickly, atp might be better to focus moreso on a new one if that current ones has more flaws outside of the indexer

>>44335383
I looked up a local gunsmith, and they want $130/hr. I'm going to take it apart myself and see if I can just replace whatever is broken. Ruger sent me a free part when my lcp broke, so maybe I can get lucky again. I am so fucking irritated about this. I want to save my money for a lever action, not fixing a range toy.

>>44335259
yeah i do and as i said before i've tried everything i could do to find him but i simply couldn't find him
>>44335383
it's been almost 5 years idt he even remembers me so yeah finding someone else sounds like the best option
my biggest regret is not asking him for his number or anything, but whatever

>>44335583
https://youtu.be/y87J7u65R6c?si=ZadcB8UAgU0OZQbs

>>44336053
good song ngl
speaking of music, if there's a song that always reminds me of him, it's definetly this one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9Pv589uCB0 man i love james blake

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Rate me

Welp, time for my nightly ideation I suppose. Goodnight, thread

>>44325356
i will probably never be able to have a genuine human connection of any kind, because i am autistic, numb, and probably brain damaged from drugs. i can't even hold a conversation. no lore drops of my favorite games or anything. my memory doesn't even work past like 5 seconds, so forget all the autistic rambles that others can at least do. i'm lucky if i can even follow what someone is saying to me, and not from a lack of trying. i have no idea what to say, so i stay mostly reactionary and just pray that the other person can see my will to continue the interaction. however, this means i'll likely never be able to have a gf or even a best friend that respects me, because i'm basically retarded in all forms. this on top of being a tranny literally covered in scars. people probably think i'm a schizophrenic freak.

since i'm numb, i feel no passion or motivation to learn or improve things that i think i enjoy, like art or making music. it becomes this botting out/definition of insanity thing where i just do the same shit over and over and somehow expect myself to actually improve. i look at everyone else, and they have 30k followers or they're doing band tours and making a living and creating stories and a life for themselves, but i'm 29 years old and haven't done a single thing that i've seen others already accomplish ten years ago. maybe if i at least was a functioning member of society this would be fine, but
i'm unemployed with an apartment that i can't afford and the inability to work because

now on top of all of that, i blew up my hand 3 weeks ago. they stitched my palm and most of my fingers back together, but i'm missing half my thumb and the tops on 4 fingers. i'm in constant pain now. there hasn't been a break, because the 5 different pain meds don't seem to help at all. it burns, crushes, stings, and shocks. it's really hard to sleep. so add disabled, finger amputee on top of everything else now, i guess

anyways, that was my stupid fucking vent

also the digital circus shit is stupid and i don't understand why people are still obsessed

>>44330919
>My mother was openly very LGBT supportive (and was fine with the idea of me being gay in an "attracted to men" way), but was privately deeply misogynistic
haha wow same. i cant tell if she hated girls because she was abused by men bullied by peers jealous of her brother or a secret ftm repper or what. but i have a very good reason to think that she tried to manipulated the outcome of her pregnancy with herbs or some shit. of course this means i choose to believe i was literally supposed to be a girl.

>>44333202
hey thats exactly how many people still talk to me after retreating into the repper box. except one of them is directly related to me and everyone else ghosted. it is my fault for ghosting and neeting first desu but idk if a lot of them were really friends or using eachother for drugs so maybe thats not so bad

>>44333728
>I've lost a lot of friends solely because they got tired of being the one to initiate things.
yeah its this. im gonna have to call my only friend soon when i have a few days off. ive been working on not making them feel like its so one way i dont want them to feel like i dont appreciate it

>>44333717
Puffin i was getting worried about you. glad to see u. wb

>>44336567
>claims not to be able to post an autistic ramble
>posts an autistic ramble
OK?

I hate my life. It’s funny because it’s gotten better, I know that but it’s not enough. It can’t fix the past. I need SRS and to not have been raped by estrogen. I need a Time Machine so I could’ve started diy at 12-13 like I almost did before I pussied out. If I was a normal male I could’ve died with some sense of pride. It’s so pathetic. I know how wrong I am, I’m well aware. Everyone hates me. They don’t believe me, and that’s good, they call me a larper or a liar. Being believed is worse. It means I’ve proven what a disgusting fucked sociopath I am. I’m not the only one in my head, though I expect few to understand. I keep everyone safe, I keep my mouth shut and my head bowed and a knife under my pillow. I try not to sleep, I barely rest. I wear an uniform when I can’t calm down. I tell myself to man up with blood running down my pathetic skin, my horrid imagery of a body. I could’ve been something else. I messed up by not killing myself when it was time. And now I can’t. I should’ve died at 17 with my spouse in my arms when I was in the perfect t4t relationship before I ruined it by having the nauseating habit of standing up for myself. I didn’t get hit enough as a kid clearly. Nothing is good enough, I yearn for abuse but find myself disgusted by anyone who even dares hurt me. I stand up for myself instinctively, I call myself a pathetic mirage of a man for allowing myself to be seen as anything but a strong machine of rage and power. I’m barely human. That’s a good thing.

I have eaten... i think meals total 3 meals in the past 12 days... slept maybe 2-3 hrs a night on the same time... feel sickened from dehydration fairly often (I do drink water when I notice it)... i dont think Ive spoken more than two dozen words above a whisper in the past couple of days... havent done really anything useful - all of my thoughts are consumed with grief and all of my mental energy is consumed warding off self destructive thoughts... i didnt realize just how much darkness was being held back by one connection. Im pathetic. Pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic. I should be able to stand on my own two feet, not break apart over one fucking person. What the fuck is wrong with me. Im supposed to be stronger than this. Im supposed to be better than this. Im not supposed to need anyone.
I need to go back. Back to the way I used to be. Its the only way I can survive the dark. Im going to die like this.

Crying all the time. Crying. My voice barely even comes out properly, it hurts so bad. Is this heartbreak? I didnt want this. When I said I wanted my emotions back, this isnt what I meant. Take them away, make me forget. I didnt want this pain. Im hurting so bad I can barely see straight. Trying to eat makes me wretch. I feel sick. My chest hurts constantly from the exertion. I cant afford an ER trip for just a fucking panic attack. Pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic. Miserable scum piece of filth. Why did I ever try to be more than I was worth

this feels like group therapy but not alienating and with people who are actually like me, capable of getting me.

and wow the thread is so healthy and growing so many posts since i left this morning!

>>44336414
Goodnight Seraph; sleep well and hope the ideation isnt too taxing
>>44336567
Jesus fuck dude
Do you still do drugs? If so, outside of the latter mentioned pain meds ofc, you should try like a dopamine purge including any rec drugs to see if you can acclimate to feeling normal pleasures in life again
Even if you can't focus on conversations or memorize much, keep filler words and comments to show interest within reason, even if it's just "mhm" "ah ok" or stuff similar to those
How'd you blow up your hand, 4th of July?
>>44336694
Hi :)
I'm usually fine even if I go off board for a bit, if I'd kms or got hurt, I'm an attention whore so I'd mention it somehow
>>44336852
That's not a good thing, you focus on your good attributes to call them flaws
Standing up for yourself would make you more of a man and being outside of rage and power exclusivity is just maturity
I'm sorry you believe everyone hates you or that you think yourself a sociopath
>>44336867
it's growth to have changed. It's painful to experience grief and loss whether from death, abandonment, drifting etc. It shows that you're better now, it's unsustainable to have been the way you were
It's good you're drinking water when you notice the dehydration, try and keep a glas near you if you can
I don't think you're pathetic anon

I am a sociopath tho, that’s the worst part, diagnosis doesn’t lie. There’s no hope for me, no way anyone can change my fucked view of the world. The way I naturally analyze everyone into boxes of how weak they are, how I can break them in. And maybe, deep down, I hope they see me in the same way I see myself, as a weapon, a pawn to move as quickly as possible across the board. It sickens me the extents of child abuse that had to be done to me to make me into this monster, into this disgusting protector who should be protecting others from him. And what for? No one will ever thank me. They’d be better off without me, but they’re stuck in my mind, in my body. They all hate me, I hear their screams and yells and I can’t blame anyone but myself.
I should have ended it then but I bought the pathetic lie that it could keep on getting better. Deep down I knew it had gotten the best it could ever be. My only hope is to live as a servant of the people, something outside of myself. Military or medicine, but no military will want a pathetic weak manlet pooner to serve, no one will respect a flaw of science as their doctor. And worst part is I can’t give up and end it, I’ve been trained to survive anything including this. I’ve considered paying someone to kill me but even that wouldn’t work maybe. I don’t even have enough money for that. If I do end it, I’ll use a rifle like a man. But.. even so. I just see myself giving myself up, my pathetic body, my evil mind, to a cause bigger than myself. Or else I will hurt everyone around me again. Threaten to kill them, threaten to hit them, use them for my own enjoyment, break them in for fun. I’m fucked up. I don’t even feel guilt, I just hate being seen as bad, being cut off from others. I hate being caught more than the crime, I don’t deserve to live for myself, I don’t even want to. But if I exist for others, maybe it will be acceptable.

>>44336824
it's a vent. not to be used in a conversation
>>44336926
drugs? well not even close to how much i used to do. i've done most things except for like herion and the exotic stuff like dmt or ayahuasca. also overdosed a couple times. but before this i was just smoking a joint every couple months or so and microdosing mushrooms as an antidepressant/trying to slowly fix my brain chemistry under the idea that if drugs could fuck my head up then maybe a controlled version of a safer one could help fix it. i think a dopamine purge could be really good but at the same time now I'm just stuck in bed. there's not really much I can do at the moment and I want to distract myself from the pain if I can.

for conversations, yeah I just use a lot of filler words like that. that's pretty much all I have.

and yes I found a firework on the ground the morning after the 4th and decided to try to light it because i'm a braindead retard but it just went off in my hand without any sign or warning. I found it way up on some rocks where no one would likely have been so I think it must have been what I was told is called a mortar like I think it was a dud that shot up but didn't blow up and landed up there but I'm just guessing based on where I found it

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I have genuinely zero life outside of posting onto this website I need a damn hobby holy fuck.

same

I won't repress any more

Husband yelling at me. Nowhere safe to go. Im just going go jump today I cant do this i cant do this i cant do this I cant do this I cant do this I cant do this

i can be less vague in my journal and post(?) what i really think into it. that is interesting.

people keep saying they find their wife on discord so i collect discord but dont talk. people keep having crush on namefags. even me. maybe i should namefag too so people will get crush on me before knowing im moided and uggo

Sometimes all I can say is mogs me

having troubles caring

Bump

>>44341712
no

>>44341839
Yes

>>44341863
yes what

>>44341871
Yes please

>>44341882
<3

>>44336963
I'm sorry you had gone through such trauma to cause you to turn this way anon. I don't know how to say or comfort or advise it really; I hope you can move past some of the things that hold you back unlike the sociopathy which might be life long or smth idfk and to find a reason to live
>>44337136
Thats good you do less tha you used to; focus on healing moreso now physically than to try a purge yeah
I hope you can recover past the pain and then later pt to feel normal usage or atleast close to it of what you have left
>>44337909
Try to find hobbies elsewhere online and keep trying til one sticks
Draw; create music, play instrument, crochet, knit, paint, comic, poetry, writing anything can do
>>44339253
good
>>44339506
I hope youre ok; I'm sorry he yelled at you

>>44339604
namefagging is gay, but if u want attention or parasocial crushes go for it
>>44339628
Felt really
>>44339727
How so? For yourself, others, both? Motivation, Will to live?

I really just have to repress actually, if I stopped repping I would be rejected by my family and I don't have any friends to speak of so my family leaving me would be the absolute worst case scenario

>>44342389
Im not okay. He always does this. I was planning to divorce him as soon as my situation was stable, but without any local social support, thats no longer on the books. Ive settled on silently detransitioning instead. Cant be yelled at for being sad if I cant express enough emotions to be sad. Might still kms anyways

>>44326738
Have you considered laser removal? It's usually a good place to start if facial hair bothers you.

>>44326945
I'm sorry you haven't had the most supportive environment, nona. I know that feel... Having people that support you in your transition counts for a lot, and if your current people can't do that, maybe you should start looking elsewhere. I don't think it's our responsibility to make the people in our lives support us if they themselves don't want to, even if it's something we need from them. For what it's worth, I don't think you're a disappointment. Hang in there.

>>44327061
It's hard not to regret the time lost, sometimes. One year probably means you're not done yet, at least. I hope you stick with it and all your goals fall into your lap for you.

>>44327129
Unfortunately meeting people usually requires going where the people are. I get it, though. I'm 40 and I'm tired too.

>>44327291
A hug would be nice. Why not just bite your lip and message her?

>>44327320
Damn... I wish I had any advice, but it seems like you've done all the sensible things already. Is a restraining order an option?

>>44327333
>>44327432
If you haven't, you might want to talk to a doctor. Sleep is important. I hope you're able to get some rest soon.

>>44327650
Even if we regret the time lost, it's not too late to turn things around. Congrats on your sobriety streak. I hope things start looking up for you soon.

>>44327757
No apologies necessary, this is the whole point of the thread. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time for so long. It kind of sounds like you've had interventions, but never really got the help you needed. Have any meds ever helped you? If you don't like the person you are today, it is possible to change if you really want to. It may not be easy, it may take time, but it is possible. I hope you can find a supportive environment soon, nona.

>>44327760
I did not do the thing. I am a coward. -_-
There just never seems to be a "right" moment with my SO. She almost certainly autistic, doesn't like feelings, and doesn't like talking about them. Plus she's chronically ill and never feeling good, so even if I could muster the courage it would still feel like I'm imposing on her. This morning she noted that I was being extra quiet and asked if I was okay. I told her that I needed to talk to her about feelings but there never seemed to be a good time. She immediately jumped to thinking I don't love her anymore, like she does. But we had to do a bunch of house stuff together today and she seems happy the topic has passed again. This is why it's hard to talk to her...

>>44327833
I'm sorry, nona. Staying friends after a breakup is... hard. Especially since it sounds like the relationship was kind of toxic. I'm not sure a friendship is likely to work if things can't even stay civil. I hope you're able to find an amicable solution, but I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to walk away from it. Good luck, nona.

>>44330122
It would make a good icebreaker for coming out to them, if nothing else.

>>44330328
I know how hard heartbreak can be to live with... At least you're not dealing with heart issues at such a young age, I guess. Are you taking anything for your anxiety? Any therapy?

>>44330579
>>44330594
I don't really know your circumstances, but I'd like to think they're genuinely worried about you and just want to help. I hope you're both doing okay.

>>44330924
If you feel safe telling him, I would say yes. I wish you luck, nona. Coming out is scary the first few times, but it gets easier. I believe in you.

haha oh wow. today is my day off and i went across town to look for used skateboards and went to the another store to get a shirt that i left there last week bc i decided i wanted it and would be over there on that side and also to look for 12v chargers to cannibalize. since its my day off i didnt shave or wear makeup and wore a thinner shirt since its 108 degrees. standard manmode as usual. but i brought an emergency flannel to hide my nips when i got to the place just in case even tho ive been neglecting that lately. i walk in and my fucking twitter crush(um distant admiration/inspiration more like, also ironic iykyk) is working there. i didnt even know we lived in the same city. i knew it was the same state but i was actually almost certain far away. and i was like fucking stunned and just stared right at them until they met my eyes and then realized what i was doing and fucking panicked and walked directly in the opposite direction. i have no idea if they noticed or i played it off or if my emergency overshirt was sus but i think i probly looked like a cat dunked in water. eventually got the shirt but no chargers and bailed but they were mysteriously gone atp. definitely wouldnt have said anything bc that would be super creepy and also im a major coward but i was kinda hoping they would say something to me or even maybe even idk like tease me in a way that makes me stutter or blush or something haha of course they wouldnt harass customers at work. was really super not prepared for something like that today and also i kinda got high before i got there so that may have contributed to the panic but honestly not that much. i just ended up walking around in circles pretending to look at stuff but i found a cool coffee mug.

>>44331589
I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard time meeting people. It kind of sounds like your local community might just suck, and it's my understanding that chasers are a mixed bag at best. Have you tried looking online/non-local at all?

>>44331674
By "just do you," do you mean transition?

>>44331690
Can't rape the willing, nona. :3

>>44332147
In for a penny. Might as well explain it all to him, then.

>>44335310
I'm very ill-equipped to advise on this problem, but I'm sorry your revolver broke on you. ^ ^;

>>44342405
>but if u want attention or parasocial crushes go for it
yes and validation. i have no friends and no one talks to me irl so i never know if im doing anything right or if/how much hrt is or isnt working. i have no perspective but my own and i doubt myself. i want people who recognize my posting style to have a name for me so they can tell me im cool and they like me or im gay and being dumb

>>44343098
>I did not do the thing. I am a coward. -_-
i didnt either. i wrote a post about how i was gonna continue the conversation w the person i told i was on hrt bc they never mentioned it again but i didnt do it and i saved it to my text file instead of posting it. i still might pull a jax and tell them "sorry about all the crying and gay shit i said last week dont worry about it" cause the openendedness is mildly killing me

>>44343294
>It would make a good icebreaker for coming out to them, if nothing else.
haha ikr i mean that is what already happened once fml

i have to see them next week and now i wonder if my extended family member who lives in seattle will clock me.

not shaving for three days fucked up my mood last time. idk im probly gonna file my nails down too. might push it on purpose to see if they notice. it wasnt actually necessary to hide my chest last time either, layering is like a requirement now.

>>44336621
You're allowed to not like things. I, however, like the thing.

>>44336884
I'm sorry, nona. Do you want to talk about what happened...?

>>44336907
That's how I like to look at it. We're all broken in one way or another, but we're not truly alone.
And I, too, am happy to see the thread grow big & strong.

>>44336926
Glad to see you, Puffin. <3

>>44339506
I'm sorry. I wish the hugs I send you on Discord mattered...

>>44343666
Alone. Im alone. Ill always be alone. There is no forgiveness, there is no fixing it, no matter what they say. Im going to die like this

>>44342906
You seem like you need a hug a lot :(
>why not just bite your lip and message her?
I was going to and fell asleep!! Was just gonna ask how she's been doing lately since we've talked, but I haven't really checked in, you know? She actually ended up messaging me before I woke up, though :)
Almost typed more, but I'm paranoid she'll see this. I don't think these threads are her thing, but idk. If she finds out, I don't want it to be like this

>>44325356
i look like a fucking retard and people around me have to put in effort to treat me like a person because they all know inside that im a subhuman

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>>44342405
>namefagging is gay
>picrel
Well, it's not *un*true...

>>44342482
You should do what you need to to keep yourself safe, but repping doesn't work in the long run. I hope you can find somewhere where you can be who you are, nona.

>>44343402
Small world, I guess. Also, cute. I hope you get to see them again soon.

>>44343496
I would suggest not pulling a Jax, but I really do know the feel of there never being an opportune moment. Almost all the people I've come out to have been via text because natural conversation rarely steers towards "oh by the way I'm trans." But in your case it might just be worth blurting that out, since you're already half way in.

>>44343525
Hey, at least breaking down crying for no reason removes all doubt that you're not joking. <3
One thing I've had pointed out to me, and have confirmed via observation, is that as a general rule cis folks are dumb as shit about trans stuff. I wouldn't take them not noticing as evidence one way or the other. I know that can be hard (ask how I know), but I still think it's good advice.

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>>44343678
What is it that they say? It sounds like they don't agree with you...

>>44343816
>You seem like you need a hug a lot :(
>picrel
That's about the most adorable cop-out you could have given. I'm glad she reached out you to, eepy princess.

>>44343853
That's a pretty harsh self-assessment, nona. What makes you think that?

Honestly I think that knowing about tranny stuff has poisoned my mind. I’m a repper but I think that if I had little to no idea about tranny shit I would just be able to dismiss these thoughts as a bipolar episode but no, I just can’t do it. This is literally my life forever
It’s never been so over.

>>44344276
I dont fucking know. I dont trust anyone anymore and more importantly don't trust myself around anyone anymore. Id rather die than ever let anyone get close to me ever again.

>>44344325
There's a proverb that goes "to not know is bad, to not want to know is worse." I think that sums up how I felt/feel about my egg crack.
I had the (mis)fortune of growing up in a time and a place when there was no such thing as "trans." It just wasn't a word anyone ever spoke, formally, informally, at school, at home, nothing. So I got to grow up never having the language to articulate how I felt like I didn't belong, like I wasn't really me. I guess there's an alternate universe where I never figured it out, but in this one I did, albeit belatedly. I won't lie, when I first realized I was trans, I was dysphoria spiralling left & right for quite a while. But I've had a long time to reflect on it, and I really do think I'm better off knowing. It's better to feel than to be numb, even if you feel pain, and it's better to know you're trans than to never find out & get the chance to be the real you.
There's a lot of self-reflection that comes with an egg crack, but it is worth it in the end. Hang in there, nona.

>>44344344
That sounds so bleak... I guess I was just wondering what happened to make you think that was the best option. :(

>>44344490
I think it’s been a long time coming, I just don’t understand how it could be triggered again by interacting with my cousin who hasn’t even started transitioning yet, I think maybe I always knew it was true but I think my brain suppressed it really hard in an attempt to appear normal to everybody. Thanks nona

>>44344545
Took a chance on someone and proved to myself that Im still not worth human interaction. If I werent a coward, id have already killed myself to prevent all future chances of causing harm.

Opps, >>44344607
Is for >>44344490

>>44342389
yeah it's pretty bad atm but hopefully in a few months things will be a bit better

>>44344545
My egg crack moment didn't "make me trans"; I was always trans, it just made me learn the truth.
I wish you all the best on your journey, nona.

>>44344607
I'm sorry things didn't work out. One data point doesn't make a trend, though. What happened?

>>44344921
Yeah I’ve always been trans probably, but like I say, a “normal” life seemed easier but it’s looking less and less possible. I think I will just bite the bullet and DIY

>>44344921
Oh, its not just one data point. Its the final data point in a trend going back decades. I hurt people.

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>>44344971
Good luck, nona. <3

>>44344972
Do you want to talk about it?

I need to head to bed, and tomorrow I'll be busy much of the day, but I look forward to seeing you all when I get to sit down again. Goodnight, thread.

im so tired of having no friends, no goals, no will, no reason to live etc i feel like my body is just moving on its own for no other reason than i keep putting calories in it

>>44345226
Thanks, nona. Have a good sleep <3

>>44344226
>But in your case it might just be worth blurting that out, since you're already half way in.
oh no its not that. they know i am trans. its that i started hrt a while ago and felt guilty about not telling them right away.

>>44344226
>removes all doubt that you're not joking
yeah thats true and i thought maybe they thought that last time so at least now they know im not joking. actually thats kinda funny cause last time they told me and i said me too, and now i told them and they said me too, soon/probly.

but yeah its that they were yelling at me about something else and made me cry and then i told them and then they had to leave.

i think they are probably going through things with the support they have that i complain about lacking. when i told them i offered to help and they said they have been considering starting too. im not sure if its moidbrained or fembrained to be the one to reach out again. and we live together lol. idk if they are not cause they are repbrained or just going through a lot. like if they had been considering it more lately. and i dont want to be pushy.

i was just excited to finally tell them share experiences and now im unsure if they are conflicted or just dont value my opinion or even think i was just crying to avoid the unrelated subject that upset them in the first place since they never followed up when they got back and its been a week now

i just. i have really really bad imposter syndrome and like not even about being trans but about whether people want me around at all. i should probably just pick up more overtime and save to move out instead of bothering them

>>44344226
>I hope you get to see them again soon.
its extremely unlikely. i almost never go to that store and there are 3 on my side of town. i just happened to pass that one b4 bc i was out of town for tests lol. its unlikely she noticed me there are no posts about creepy old men staring at her while she works and besides shes probably used to it

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Finally decided to finish a project I was working on for a friend. Took a little bit of programming (and a little more googling "how to do X in PowerShell" than I care to admit), but it was easy enough to make... put it off cuz I wasnt sure if she'd like the end result. Guess now Ill never know...
Tempted to send it anyways but at this point it might just come off as weird. Who sends something like that to someone who isnt even their friend anymore.
Im so fucking done. Maybe Ill go stand outside and hope the lightning brewing overhead puts an end to my misery for good.

>>44344276
>most adorable cop-out you could've given
Yeah, I got really lucky. It makes me so happy wjen she messages first :)
She's done it twice in a row now. I'll be sure to pester her tomorrow :p
I hope you can get a hug from somewhere <3
I'm sure the ones I send over the internet don't really do the trick

Finally giving up on the incel chud mindset I've had for so long and admitting I am trans. Nothing will change, I'm too old to transition but just calling myself a woman behind closed doors is making me feel giddy for the first time in ages. Still had to have a hard look at my life and realize my failures were my own fault and no one else's. Not minorities, not women, not da joos. All I've had for years and years was hate and its hard to let that go but I think I am, slowly but surely.

>>44346272
i'm about to give up period

>>44345863
Lightning didnt hit me, but did get very wet and cold.
Funny thing is, normally Im terrified of lightning. But Im so cold and racked with grief that it didnt even budge me.
In other news, it was kinda fun to watch the storm swing the trees around.

Yea, this is the end for me. Sorry, I couldnt hold on.

six seven

why am i someone who had everything he needed, but couldnt appreciate any of it. how come im someone who only cares when something is missing, and not when it's there. why did i break up with my boyfriend why did i do that why did i why. why am i not someone with values that would actually make me happy

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>>44347705
https://voca.ro/12SaikS3UFDw