i'm really miserable
i probably won't flush my hrt but I'll probably just sit and stare at it and be too scared to take it.

>>44362736

A girl in the train station tried to talk to me today. We even got on the same car, and she looked back over her shoulder to see if I was going to sit next to her. I knew I was made her feel rejected and I've been so desperate for contact but instead of sitting next to her I just stood by the doors and got off at my stop without talking to her again.

Every single girl on tinder ghosts me as soon as they find out I'm trans (I literally have it in my bio ffs), were years of transition and pain after getting ffs all for nothing

>>44362782
just get with another hon?

I haven't spoken to a woman irl in five years

t. hon

Porting forward my rage from late last three. Thank you Honey for keeping these thread going.

Tonight's gonna be the night I tell my husband it aint my responsibility to process all of his emotions and needs for him. He's talking about suicide again (which isnt helping my own spiraling, ngl) because he "has no other way out" as if I didnt just hand him 4 years of free college and housing to do whatever he wants with. Dude could literally just walk out the door rn and live his life but its my fucking responsibility to make literally every life, medical, emotional, and social decision for him even while Im having a total fucking breakdown over losing the first IRL person in decades to not treat me like some kind of tool to be used. God forbid a fully formed thought ever occur in his head that he didnt steal from reddit frontpage. Fucking FUCK. Im gonna snap tonight im gonna snap tonight in gonna snap tonight.
>>44362755
Do you need someone to walk with you through the process?

>>44362815
Maybe, probably

>>44362782
You write here and you try to find girl on tinder? Are you retarded? It's a place for normies to find some normies to fuck with.

The two trips in these threads seem really sad and I wish their partners were nicer to them. Or that they'd work through whatever's going on between them, at least :(

>>44362736
I feel like I'm obsessed with my ex we broke up 11 months ago and I still constantly think of him it sucks I tried to date other people but holy fuck the people that want to date me are like bottom of the barrel and next to non existent I wish that kid didn't move 500 miles away I fucking hate that I miss him like this

>>44362815
waow he went to college?? mine just plays video games all day.

>>44362815
Why is it your responsibility? Let him kill himself or even push him a little bit. Be free.

>>44362794
If there were any in my area that would pass like 50% of times or were at least able to anglefraud to catfish me I probably would, but there aren't any, so I'd rather get a bf, but then dating cishets is a living nightmare

I'm so numb. I questioned my gender identity a lot, but I never felt that dysphoric dread. I almost started HRT at ages 19, 21, 24, and finally got on at 28. I thought taking estrogen would help me finally realize mentally who I am.
8 months later, I still feel nothing. No dypshoria nor euphoria. If I were CIS I would hate being estrogenized, right? And if I'm really trans then I should like being on E? But I just don't care much.

I don't enjoy being trans for the amount of required effort and courage, but I'll keep taking HRT. I want to keep taking HRT and transitioning and I won't stop, but the whole experience feels invalidating and prevented me from transitioning years earlier.
Can anybody relate?

>>44362861
No! We met in college but he didnt finish. He's a 30 y/o neet who has never held a job and doesnt know how to drive and pins the blame for his life issues on me despite me breaking myself in the military to literally give him everything he ever asked for. Here, at the end of our cold broken marriage, I even gave him my GI Bill. He can go and he can never blame me for his failed college attempt again because he literally has a free second chance. But now he is saying he's too scared to go. Always another excuse, always another fucking excuse.
And every time he feels Im drifting, he threatens suicide. I cant take this. Im out of places to run and hide, Im going to bite.
>>44362889
Cuz I spent 12 years as a repressing dissociated mess and let him slowly shove all the responsibility off on me and now im awake and im so so done. Ive been planning on divorcing him for more than a year now, but i need a job first (struggling with unemployment) - one financial disaster at a time. On top of that, my only local social support has evaporated out from under me (my fault, I was an obsessive creep) so now Im facing down the fear of loneliness and being a single mom with no friends which is... yea... that thought chain normally leads to morbid thoughts but Im too fucking frazzled rn to even go there.
And I mean... i dont want him to die. I care for him still, I just need him to be his own person for fuckin once. Plus the kids...
>>44362819
If youd like I could try. If not me, Im sure someone else here could talk you through it.
>>44362845
:')
>>44362943
It took me a year to start feeling anything at all and maybe another year plus a fucking TON of support from a VERY patient woman who put up with way too much of my babytranny nonsense for me to start loving it more than I hate it. Give yourself time to grow. 8 months is no time at all.

>>44362960
I wouldn't mind either or, I'm pretty much on my own. My brother is probably a repper but I can't rely on him, because he just won't do anything

>>44362960
As she would say, Im a beautiful transgender princess. <3
Ive had to crawl through hell to get where I am so I might as well enjoy myself.
>>44362965
Mkay well if you want to drop your disc, Ill gladly add you for whenever the time comes and we can otherwise chat if youd like. Im done fucking around with alts for a while and dont want to post my main here rn, if thats okay?

>>44362983
inthefl3sh_

>>44362736
i ate 20 spicy chicken nuggets from wendys and a large order of fries
im so fat…i will never make it and my stomach hurts

>>44362960
>Give yourself time to grow. 8 months is no time at all.
I will keep doing my best!
And as for your marriage, I'm sorry to hear he's lacking in emotional intelligence. You deserve better but you already know that.
When you only have a very limited level of support, it's easy to get obsessive. I've been there. Therapy helps, you should push him to do that - he can even do it with his phone camera via telehealth

>>44362960
are you pushing your husband? it's better to just accept them as they are.

>>44363178
Well, him as he is, is someone who leaves me on the hook for so many things that I am falling apart at the seams and can barely function as a person anymore. Unfortunatley for him, I need a functional partner. Im not his replacement mom... I already have two kids to take care of as is.
Dont help Im completely touch starved in this relationship, but thats its own issue altogether.
>>44363043
Maybe. Ive always been a touch obsessive. Just the way Im built. I love to love my closest friends with all of my heart. If youre familiar with FP (Favorite Person) as a concept for BPD/CPTSD, well, yea, it dat.

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>>44362736
Im too fucked up in the head to be loved, none can stay close to me enough without me hurting them.

t. schizophrenic split personality bpd

YOU CAN ADD ME WHENEVER (Sorry I'm mentally unwell)

>>44363017
I won't judge you for eating too much or anything. All I can think when I see your post is "fuuuuck that's probably so expensive." Like, I never get chicken nuggets anywhere now. I just buy bags of like 45ish frozen ones for $7 because I can't justify paying like $5.50 for 10 or whatever at mcdonalds, lmao

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>>44363418
Sorry sorry im an anxious mess, gimme a bit. Im waiting til after my kids go to bed.

>>44363510
It’s okay, sleep well nona (it’s passed my bedtime)

I'm either stuck upstairs or I have to endure the scrutiny of my parents, I didn't invite them, she did, I avoid my parents because I hate how they criticize everything I do, but she thinks I need to nurture my relationship with them, truth is she just likes that they bring us stuff.

>>44362736
i wish i was a woman

>>44363835
And the heat, gosh why do I need to wear a jacked inside my house

I want to break up with my gf but since I depend on her for everything I need to find a job first (struggling with unemployment). I feel like an asshole not telling her right now that I want to end things but I'm afraid of rocking the boat when I depend on her. I just don't feel loved at all, she refuses to call me her girlfriend or say we're dating in front of anyone and hides me from all of her friends. I feel like a freak of nature and that she's ashamed to be with a trans girl. I don't have any friends I can vent to about these things so it can feel very suffocating and even though I think my partner treats me badly, it's scary thinking about how the breakup would play out because I'd be out of people to talk with :c

I’m getting married in over a year and am dreading finding a dress. The gendered ritual in a Catholic setting is giving me the worst dysphoria of my life. I can’t keep stringing everyone along on the one hand, but on the other I’m just too much of a coward to be anything other than a fat ugly foid. It would ruin my life and my love’s life to be anything but. I don’t know what feels good or affirming anymore.

>>44363941
>marrying in white
I'm jelly ngl

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I am convinced that my health insurance hates me and wants me to die.
Also OP pic reminds me of this one.

Goodnight, my dear friend...

>>44362989
It said youre not accepting friend requests. :<

>>44362736
Can't tell if I'm a repper or just a really mentally ill cis man, but what's even the point of transitioning If I'll never actually be female or even have a shot at passing? Seems utterly hopeless, like my life was doomed from the start.

>>44364978
I dont have the energy to enumerate the upsides so here's my personal silver bullet: anything beats aging on testosterone.

Anyways. Still awake despite needing to be awake early to catch the 8 AM train... Anxiety. I dont want another sugary sweet dream of what once was. Give me the worst nightmares you have, brain. Show me his face again, let me hear the venom coated words he whispered in my ear while he ripped my soul apart. I want a reason to leap from bed in the morning.
Goodnight, thread.

I cried all night

>>44365751
im there with u

today i was doing a thing while listening to music and i was kind of into it and i look up no one is around im probly good for a while and i do another thing and turn around and who is there but my crush nona and shes only like 30 feet away from me and im like oh no i probly look like a dork and my hair is messed up but shes looking right at me and kinda under a spot light and usually she is behind a desk and a computer and she looks really cute and her glasses are doing this flare reflection thing and then she suddenly puts her hands in her pockets and does this cute thing with her feet and looks away and oh my god im gonna fucking die that was certainly not a response to me it was something the people she was with said and that definitely wasnt about me either and it wasnt last time i misheard that and only two times is a coincidence not a pattern there is no way she recognizes me and is shy about it and besides imagine how disappointed she will be if she actually does like me and finds out im not even a boy

i also cried for like an hour this morning and also last night about two separate and equally dumb things

>>44362736
i manged to not be homeless for a couple more months but if i don't figure out something soon i'll probably have to either go homeless or go back to my parents. and going back to my parents might honestly lead to suicide, the thought of it alone makes me wanna kiss a train.

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his is going to be a long therapy post but I really need other weird faggots to vent to.

I think I may have fucked up my heart irreparably. 3 years ago I met my now-boyfriend on the godforsaken dating app that got adspace on this website. Just a month ago it was our 2-year anniversary. We couldn't celebrate because we were extremely busy with finals but it was a happy memory. The first weeks we talked I was completely hopeless I considered myself a femcel, an actual femcel. I was traumatized by human touch, I was a violent person to me and others. He was the first man that didnt betray me, that didnt just use me for my body, that didnt threaten to rape me, that endured and stayed with me even when I was most cruel and deranged. Earlier I had promised to never ldr again, but I couldnt ignore that I loved this man. That I still love him. And so we started dating. Trying to become a better person and trying to abandon the idea that I was an unlovable demonwhore was hard since I had no physical body to cuddle with no companion to take on dates that werent on MMOs, but I still did eventually. Nowadays Im a completely different person than what I was before. I am better at regulating my emotions, I can make friends outside of the internet, relate to the more normal people around me. I don't see the world with the hate I used to. I can live a happy life, dressing how I want and doing what I want. Maybe its an overstimation, but I dont think I couldve managed to ever get the confidence to start living my life without his support.
Weve had some fights but hes been mature enough for us to be able to talk them out. After a while though, it all started to sour heavily. Even though I had saved the money for a visit trip he would not let me see him. His mother deeply hated me. Threatened to disinherit him should we ever meet in real life or become a serious thing.

Had to have a picture taken today

Bigger ropefuel to look at than any honthread because its actually me in that image

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>>44366310
Seeing him irl was imposible and it took a toll in me, I hadnt fully recovered, the sight of physical love boiled my insides, reminded me of that which I was being denied. We celebrated our first anniversary before our first kiss, and that felt so wrong that I bought plane tickets to see him next month. The trip was deeply miserable. I only had about 6 hours each day average to see him and the rest I had to either venture out alone into a city I dont know or stay in my hostal room with nothing but my phone for entertainment. It got so bad that I even stayed up all night just to be sleepy enough to roleplay that I spent the night with him when he came over in the morning to take a nap. I came to my own country with the clear conviction that I wanted something else, yet he cried at my side, telling me that he couldnt stay over because of his mom, that the trip made him so anxious that he couldnt be the boyfriend I needed him to be. So we stayed together.
At this time I was also getting closer to a girl I met in college a few months prior. We became best friends almost instantly. We were so alike and had so many shared niche life experiences it was insane. After I returned our friendship became even closer. She helped me stay calm at the time. Maybe it was because of how disenchanted I was at the trip, but soon enough I also started developing feelings for her, and the more we hanged out and despite my own efforts to repress it I started to also fall in love with this woman. We were so intertwined that after confessing to her that I felt that way about her alongside the guilt of not being able to supress it she too confesed about having romantic feelings towards me, feelings that frustrated her as she was at the same time trying to save the relationship she had with her ever more emotionally and physically distant boyfriend. We were a weird pseudosituationship, we cuddled and ate and spent the whole day together.

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>>44366321
We would tell each other everything and flirt regularly. Sometimes we would do lewd things bashfully, yet we never kissed or had sex. That was the one line that we had agreed would not be crossed or else we couldnt call this anything but cheating. Keep in mind that I still loved my boyfriend and stood by his side. He and her became friends in time and I was innocently happy. They would even sometimes joke about starting a polycule between all of us.
It was in late december that the boyfriend of the girl I liked abruptly broke up with her. She was heartbroken yet relieved at the same time, and this made her feel worse. I tried my best to help her as she helped me and after a month she managed to move on. It was in that same week that I invited her to my place and things escalated violently. We went too far with our playfighting and were unable to stop ourselves from kissing each other. After coming to her senses, she had a panic attack about betraying my boyfriend, her friend, while I froze in shock. Then she kissed me again, and didnt stop after I asked her to stop. She and I felt even worse, I asked her to please leave my house immediately. That night I told my boyfriend everything and the trust shattered between them, and strained between him and I. My best friend stopped talking or visiting each other. Weeks passed, and she got the courage to start talking to me again. She apologized, we agreed that what we had done was wrong, and decided that it was best that we remained friends. Hearing that we had started to become closer again, my boyfriend panicked and rushed to tell us that he wanted to form a polycule. We both accepted the offer naively thinking it was genuine, but it obviously didnt last. He couldnt cope with having to share me with someone else that could see me irl, plus the both of them didnt interact that much with each other, since it was obvious that they were there for me and to tolerate the other person.

>>44366338
>we couldnt call this anything but cheating.
It was cheating already, you both suck.

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>>44366338
I, naive, didnt see this until too late, and the relationship lasted about 2 weeks, where we all felt misrable at the end. He felt unloved by me and the other, she felt the same. I was once again back in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend while she sook out other people.
Back in college, we were making out in the parking lot day one. She didnt manage to stop loving me enough to seek out another person while, after the experience of the polycule, I wasnt able to repress my love for her. That day I decided to cheat on my boyfriend to start a lesbian relationship with my best friend. I had multiple justifications in my head: that she needed proof that I truly loved her, that it was going to be okay since my end goal was still to be a polycule, that I was just going to do it anyways; but the truth was that I just wanted to love her and spend time with her and go to places with her and not having to deal with the shackles of a ldr was liberating. Whenever I would go out, I would spend the day with my girlfriend then come home and spend the evening with my boyfriend. I was straightforward with her and told her that what I truly wanted was to abandon the double life and be able to date both of them at the sime time with no doublecrossing and she seemed to accept it. Yet after weeks and then months of "pre-dating" it didnt seem that the both of them were growing closer, instead the same rivalry and jealousy of each other crept up again. It was unsustainable yet I did nothing.
This all culminated after my boyrfriends visit to my own country. We didnt have the problems we had before. After 2 years of relationship his mother seems to have calmed down so he didnt have any issue coming to practically live with me. I still had fights with him that made the trip dubiously worth it but nothing as bad as last time.

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>>44366358
My girlfriend came to visit us some days after my boyfriend arrived, completely sure that she would come to put an end to our friendship and relationship now that he was physically here. Yet we were both surprised that he simply invited her in to my room to watch anime with us. They hugged and cuddled. That night we all kissed and slept in the samebed. The polucyle seemed to have manifested overnight. I was wary yet so excited, I was once again so naive that this had magically worked out in the end that I did not notice my girlfriend's clear discomfort towards his more extreme advances. Advances that I participated in out of pure retarded optimism. I did not notice my boyfriends growing isolation when she and I spent quality time playing games or trying out clothes. In the end it all repeated itself, the whole thing fell apart and Im back with my boyfriend, in a ldr relationship I have long been disenchanted with and possibly tolerated only because I also hanged out with my girlfriend. She is currently staying with some friends I dont know talking about me about our relatioship and asking them if its all worth it while telling me that for the time being she doesnt even want to talk to me.
I still love my boyfriend so much yet i hate the conditions of our relationship, it feels petty to break up with something not because they were malicious but because they have made mistakes so many times. I still love her to death yet I dont know if she still does, if it would be pathetic to chase after her. Sometimes I feel the less cruel option is to paradoxically break up with both them, yet that feels so autodestructive Im terrified to make any choice, yet its clear that if I stand around and let things happen it Wall rot or repeat itself. Its maddening. I dont know.

I hope that you all enjoy this goddman theater. I am so tired.

>>44364712
It should work now :)

I never imagined the "I always wanted a girl" thought was this severe. Growing up I slowly realized my parents didn't like me, let alone love me, it didn't really hurt as it was mutual but I couldn't help but wonder why? They weren't incapable of love, as my brother never went through any of that pain, took me years to realize it was that I could never hide what I feel, I am unable to hide my emotions, I can handle anger, I rarely act euphoric, it's the melancholy that I can't deal with, they hated seeing me cry, specifically me, how could a boy be so sensitive.
Never had an actual relationship with them until they met my friend, we grew very close so we were always together, it didn't take much for my mother to bond with her, and since then she's been the only link I have with my parents, I don't really mind it, they started mellowing out and treating me better but it is disheartening to know that if I had been born a girl, I would have had an actual family while growing up.

Holy blogpost. Ill read alladat once Ive woken up a bit more, but I hope ur okay nona. @~@
>>44366320
What, for like, an ID? I find those are the worst to be honest. Almost nobody takes good ID pics.
>>44365751
Feel that one hard, nona... What's wrong?

Good morning, dear friend...

yeah

>>44363952
good morning, I feel like many people dream of circumstances like this but I feel so lacking in confidence that I can’t even feel happy. I don’t even know if wearing a suit would make me feel better. I don’t want to be anything or anyone. I look like a slob.

I’m hoping to drop 30 pounds between now and then because my mom keeps giving me 40 year old girdles. Some fruit for breakfast but I’m so hungry still. I feel like her self image issues got passed down to me and I can’t break the cycle. The day even isn’t mine anymore. It’s mostly my family and their friends.

I think I’m just tired of being a doormat. I feel like I’m predestined to be one but I don’t know how to accept or change that part of my life.

>>44367232
I would love if someone managed my life like that

>>44367258
it's funny how the grass always seems greener amongst people like us lol

Eugh, panicking again.
I wish someone could make me forget...

"neurotypicals" means "my parents" btw

Every thought loops back to you. I feel obsessive but I cant stop it. It's like I managed to rewire my brain to constantly worry and fuss and care for you and now youre not there and every thought loops back to you and how I hurt you. I wish I could make you believe but I dont know how...
Cant stop crying. Cant stop panicking. Cant stop being overwhelmed. Im breaking and its all my fault. Im so sorry.

sometimes i think i dont want to be perceived. if you can be perceived you can be captured, and if captured killed.

i dont want people to know me, to look at me. but thats not it. its that i dont want people to perceive me partially, i want it all, wholly. i dont want to be misperceived, and any interaction will necessary only be a fragment, missing something, leaving an opening for misunderstanding, a gap between external perception and objective identity. demand for such a commitment is unreasonable.

idk maybe im super autistic. ive always wanted to like look at my partner with a microscope in what probably comes across as really creepy. like literally with a microscope in an inquisitive way, and i want them to want to look at me closely too. like a real type of openness and trust and interest. what is this person like what are they made of physically and the thoughts in their head. when people dont want something like that too it feels like a mismatch. i want to study their flaws close up and really know them. i always find that after several months in a relationship the flaws become the most endearing aspect of a person, their uniqueness the most beautiful thing about them.

i want the mutual desire and patience necessary for that full understanding between two people even if it takes a lifetime or the process is never completed its about becoming known as you constantly relearn and redevelop into something new every day as you integrate into each other.

is that too much, too intimate? idk ive heard sometimes that other peoples close relationships arent actually that close, that things like this are demanding and codependent and thats bad somehow and people should be independent and have boundaries. i think thats fake and gay propaganda to make you sad and sell you stuff you dont need.

idk maybe i should read some hegel or lacan about it or something

>>44368820
you're a schizoid's deepest desire, if you find one you will probably make them crazy. however i don't think this attitude is good for most people because they're not used to chirurgically scrutinize their brain every waking minute of their life.

>>44369358
>you're a schizoid's deepest desire,
i hope so. i kinda yearn for an obsessed schizo fujo yandere who will never leaves me. i imagine it would be very validating for exactly my type of worms
>if you find one you will probably make them crazy.
uh thats good rite?
>however i don't think this attitude is good for most people
yeah its not good for me either i think its latent manifestation of ocd from other issues i have
>chirurgically
woah big vocab word
>scrutinize their brain every waking minute of their life.
i just cant stop i do it all the time thats why i have headphones in for every waking second

i thought i was schizoid(not schizo) myself once but i think i just made myself that way by not going outside and smoking too much. it was kinda scary

>>44362736
i would just like to say that you can get chicken nuggies from the store for less money than mcdonalds without ronald sending your money to isnotreal

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>>44362736
I'm a 30 year old white cis male with a large penis and stable employment and I suffer immensely as a result of not having a cute gf who calls me handsome.

>>44368820
Getting into someone's mind is terribly dangerous, you could end up with someone that is completely emotionally dependent.

>>44369439
>uh thats good rite?
it kinda depends if you can endure a contradictory stalker that will be obsessed with you who will randomly ghost you for no apparent reason

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I'm British. Most our buildings don't really have vents since so don't have air conditioning here.
Am I venting properly?
I feel like it would be a good thing to have more air conditioning here. But I'll keep calm, since I'm British and that's what the posters here say to do.
Did I do my vent correct?

>>44362845
Well, you're not wrong... Sadly neither of your wishes seem very likely, but I appreciate the sentiment nevertheless.

>>44363860
Good news, nona: you can be.

>>44363915
Oof... I wish I didn't know this feel as well as I do. I also wish I had any advice to give, but I've been in a similar situation for a while and don't really know what to do. Hang in there, nona.

>>44364143
I can't say I've ever heard a good thing about US health insurance companies, but I'm sorry they're screwing you over. :(

>>44366245
I wish you good fortune in your romantic quest, nona.

go up

I recently turned 18 and I'm bitter as fuck that I didn't manage to get on hrt as a child. I realised quite young (12) cause I was a somewhat perceptive child (undiagnosed at the time Asperger's probably has something to do with this, I lucked out with math autism so god made me a tranny to balance things) but I was too scared to tell my parents that I'm a tranny and get didn't treatment (they wouldn't help me anyway, wish I tried anyway instead of coping by playing video games). Honestly I feel my life is ruined and I can't fucking stand looking at my naked reflection. My friend is helping me get DIY hrt soon and it will probably help a lot since testosterone actually has noticeable effects (I'm ftm tranny). I never made any close friends and first hugged another person a bit less than a year ago, I thought cuddling was like comfortable and would make me feel warm or loved. It just felt too hot and uncomfortably tight. Maybe it's because I don't like people all that much, I never felt love for anyone, except one person but I got rejected anyway so it doesn't matter. I'm othered by normies and treated like a subhuman freak or a retard (because of my social intelligence being low people assume I'm stupid). I was bullied badly as a child but I no longer remember it. Because I'm an autistic tranny I don't know how people usually behave and I'm scared to leave my house. Sometimes it makes me sad but all the things I want to do I can do on my computer in my room so I think it's fine to rot away like this. But I'm only 18 so there should still be hope, right? Dysphoria is soulcrushing but I probably won't kill myself for now (getting diy hrt soon). I think all this time I wanted to be saved but there can be no salvation for trannies like me. I used to have fantasies where I'm getting kept in a basement (by my friend I had a crush on) and I'm entirely post transition and he's convincing me I'm a cis man and always have been, making me forget everything about being a tranny

>>44366271
I'm really sorry you're in such a bad spot. :(
Is the issue finding a place, or funding a place?

>>44366365
I guess all I can say is, relationships are hard, and poly ones seemingly even more so. I had to learn the hard way they weren't for me. I wish you luck, nona.

>>44366477
I'm sorry they didn't give you the love & support you needed. Do you want to be a girl, or is that merely what they wanted?

>>44367232
There's always a choice, nona. The options may suck, the outcomes unclear, but they're there. I hope you can find somewhere where you can feel free.

>>44369485
You can, but sometimes you just want that warm nostalgia feeling of going somewhere you got to go as a treat when you were little. Or I do, at least.

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Think this is (hopefully) my last post in this shitfucked hellhole of a website for a while. I like attention but I hate feeling watched, and I feel at least a little but watched right now.
I hate my life. Every aspect of it from the youngest years to the most recent fuckedtries. There isnt a single part of my 33 long years that I didnt like for long - what little I did like, I inevitably managed to fuck up.
Thats all my life has been. One long fucking train wreck. Itd be a bit pathetic if I didnt fucking inflict 90% of my own misery on myself past the age of 19 or so.
So
Fuck it. Fuck everything.
Goodnight. Ill probably see you bastards tomorrow, since I evidently lack almost all fuckin self control.

>>44369667
Life truly is cruel, but I'm sure you're very handsome.

>>44369838
Nailed it. Cheerio.

>>44371720
For what it's worth, 18 is still very young to start transitioning, so while I understand how hard it is not to lament the time lost, your outlook remains good. I hope you're able to start DIYing soon without much fuss.

>>44372030
See you soon, I hope

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I got turned down for another job today. I've lost count of how big the pile of rejection letters has gotten at this point. Ten? Twelve? Fifteen? I'm just starting to feel like I'm always the runner-up, ever the bridesmaid but never the bride. Nominally the fact that we already sold the house & moved, and aren't under the same financial pressure, would make things easier mentally, but it hasn't. I'm tired. I'm having a drink.

ive been considering suicide again, but what would be the point of that? sure, death would let me escape the hell that is being alive, but what happens after that? if hell is real, Id have to put up with that for taking my own life. if it isnt. then nothing happens. rebirth? I just get put back into this hellscape. the best choice is nothing. just nothing. I dont want to be alive anymore, I want out. Im just waiting for one more bad event and then Im loading my rifle and blowing my brains out. Considering streaming it for the freaks out there to at least contribute something to the world.

>>44372134
even for cissies it's an average of about 250 applications to get a job in the current market. don't lose hope nona

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>>44370973
>I can't say I've ever heard a good thing about US health insurance companies, but I'm sorry they're screwing you over. :(
Thank you. They finally fulfilled my prescription today, but I ran out last Saturday and have had to spend an hour plus on the phone with them every day since then to finally get it done.

>>44371824
It is what I and she wanted but I was unable to provide, she hated that I was frail and sentimental, I can still remember the face she'd make whenever she saw me crying or being interested in girly stuff while also repeating "I would have loved having a girl, I would have dressed her in cute clothes, we'd get along so well" in front of me everytime she had.

Hell even to this day she hasn't accepted I am trans, have told her like 3 times now and she always claims she didn't know.

>>44372185
I can't be sure being trans is a factor, but it seems like it's me & my background that matter more. This one they went with someone with "experience most closely matched what the role requires." The one before that I was too specialized. The one before that I wasn't specialized enough. Etcetera. I also have the disadvantage of living somewhere with not a lot of jobs in my field, and now that "the pandemic is over," no one is hiring remote work anymore. All the relevant job ads I see are "hybrid remote" or just fully on site in cities where I am not, and can't/don't want to move to. You'd think after getting rejected enough times I'd be used to it. I guess I've reached the point of being too numb to cry. Not sure that's an improvement...

>>44372380
Glad to hear you finally got what you needed, at least.

>>44372675
I'm sorry she did that to you, nona. You didn't deserve it. :(

I really need to quit smoking, I heard it ages you really badly but I'm genuinely extremely addicted

>>44372738
i won't ask you because you're using a trip, but finding a job is really hard all around and for everyone if you're in IT right now, i don't even go to /g/ anymore because of the horror stories.

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>>44372816
I am indeed in IT. Being a Leaf changes the calculus a bit, but I've still been unemployed for almost a year and a half and had to sell my house because of it.

>>44372847
don't be too hard on yourself, it's not your fault. they're trying to milk LLMs and migrants as much as possible.
>leaf
case in point
i don't really know how it works there, but did you try looking for government or town positions? anything that's not private sector but still IT related

>>44372898
I've spent 12 years working in government. I applied for a position in January that a friend & old colleague of mine still working there assured me they were urgently looking to hire for. I'm still waiting. In government, things move at the speed of government. I'm not surprised they've dragged their feet this long, but it was too long to save the house.
>it's not your fault.
I know that's true on a rational level, but on an emotional one it sure feels like it.

>>44372930
i'm sorry.
how are you holding up so far? do you have someone?

I'm so retarded it hurts

>>44372980
why

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>>44362736
I'm living NEET (studying for LSATs, not employed) at the parents' house I bought with my savings because my Dad who was drunk most of the time throughout 2024-2025 lost the house, (it was so bad that he in 2025 left me and my Mom drunk in Canada during a family trip threatening to leave us after we found him drinking in his car alone in the parking lot). and in 2026, after losing my paralegal job that I had been doing to save up money for HRT, SRS, etc., I paid half of my savings pot to buy these two retards a house (they pay the mortgage, but could not pay the 50K of opening costs and needed 25K) - I then came out to my Mom who went full TERF on me (she trauma-bonded with the male version of myself in this weird frankly quasi-incestuous attraction connection to me that freaks me out, she talked about, "how could you be a tranny? you have such a big dick! [...] look down at your dick and accept that you have it and you can't do anything about it!") - and now in the great big August 2026, with 25K rotting in the bank and no job, my mom is bitching about how she thinks I'm a failure because I've been NEET and not doing anything - and she wants to do another "family trip" to get her "life back" - when I've told her I don't like to hang out with my Dad or her in a public setting (post Canada nightmare and also MANY other incidents in childhood of my Dad being drunk and violent and my Mom playing le-victim) - she keeps having mental breakdowns because I don't tell her anything about my personal life post-coming out alleging that I'm "killing her" -and she just constantly tries to rage-bait me into responding to her - by overemphasizing that I'm male - and I just keep ignoring her -

I'm trying to move out, get a job and cut them off and just make the monthly call about the mortgage in my name and stay far the fuck away from these losers and transition, my Dad stopped drinking but he still is an icky person.

>>44373014
I'm just not very intelligent, not particularly talented at anything academically

>>44372963
>how are you holding up so far?
I guess I spoke too soon, because I'm crying into my drink. The selling the house & moving have been providing a lot of mandatory distractions, but as soon as there's a break I usually start spiralling. My living situation is stable, if undesirable. My mental state is poor and has been for a long time.
>do you have someone?
Boy... Any answer I could give to this would have so many asterisks that it could hardly be true. The short answer is, yes but no. I guess that's why I've been stoking these threads.

>>44372773
I've half-jokingly said to people remarking on how I look so much younger than I am that my secret is "never smoke, avoid the sun, moisturize, and estrogen."
Have you ever tried quitting?

>>44372169
I've been finding myself thinking about what comes after more lately, myself. Before we sold the house, I thought about using the garage rafters to rope, but quickly realized they were probably too low to work for that. "Being tall sucks," I thought to myself in some rather literal gallows humor.
No one wants to be in pain. I really hope yours subsides soon, nona.

>>44373080
I've tried quitting but I've never been really serious about it before. I really need to do it though, I might just use zyns to help

>>44373080
> I really hope yours subsides soon, nona.
thank you, I really hate this, I hate living. I hate being around. I want out.

>>44373088
NTA
but from one soul to another
hope it subsides too
<3

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Children are such wondrous little critters. I fill them up with little pieces of my soul and they in many ways resemble me and yet themselves. Then I send them out into the world. Other people - teachers, grandparents, family, friends - add little pieces of themselves and they come home... changed just a bit but still uniquely them. They resemble less of me and more of all of their experience.
But most miraculously. I send them to you. You place a little piece of your soul into them, whether you realize it or not... and you send them back. And on their voice, I can suddenly hear... you. A brief glimpse, caught in a turn of phrase or a joyful tale, wholly her but at the same time, a little bit you. You, a much better person than I feel I could ever hope to be, who added just a touch of joy to her world - a little life experience that will be part of her soul forever... something for which I will forever be grateful, even should we never speak another meaningful word to one another.
I cried a lot tonight. Maybe Ill just go to sleep early tonight before these tears turn bitter. Goodnight, friend.

feeling trapped again

>>44373146
;u;

>>44373156
Whats up?

When I was trans women peaking, I abused animals, went totally nuts and ended up in the mental institution

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The drinks & night meds are hitting. Goodnight, thread.

>>44372738
it's one of those things where you will likely never know 100%, and there might not have been one single reason either

>>44372898
if leafland is like burgerland, it's a mix of

>fake job postings (they already have someone in mind but for visa reasons must "prove" they were unable to find a candidate)
>managers believing AI can replace workers
>AI spam applications
>AI interviews
>preference for immigrants due to pay, legal controls, racism...
>hiring freezes / stale reqs

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>>44373191
What the fuck?

>>44373181
dont know
dont feel like a real person

>>44373971
Why not? Want to talk it out?

>>44372773
i highly recommend diy vaping and tapering to zero nic. i swapped to vapes and just kept doing it at low concentration until i started hrt and immediately tapered out in 4 weeks. ive been nic free for 8 months but still keep a zero nic menthol as a pacifier that i hit like every other day. first month or two were hell but i kinda dont think of it now

if you need any extra motivation nicotine doesnt just age you but does it by tightening the blood vessels under your skin so they suffocate and it strips out the color and elasticity so it sags and this of course also effects your hair and makes it thin and fall out.

and thats just why i quit the vape its not even considering the combustion byproducts of actual smoke. switching to vaping even is still a huge improvement, nicotine just makes you old and moided its not actually like unhealthy its more like caffeine.

i actually quit while on a diet so i wouldnt replace with food and get fat, since quitting slows your metabolism. but i smoke at least twice as much weed now in exchange lol. it made it extra hard but every time i was like fuck no i will not keep moiding my face.

>>44373087
hey if it works it works. they also have lozenges and gum that are dosed more "medically" or you can split to taper, or not. zyns/disposables are designed in a lab to be even more addictive, but thats not really worse than getting a migraine cause you forgot to drink morning espresso. whereas smoke will kill you. one step at a time

>>44373975
yea that would be nice.
idk i have a lot of i think intersecting issues that have decided to rear up on me all at once tonight

>>44374147
Okay okay. Feel that a bit. Want to step through a few of them one at a time? No pressure, but I know how it can feel have everything hit you at once, so maybe pick one thing and dig through that metaphorical pile first?
Maybe grab some tea while youre at it?

>>44373146
awwww <3

>>44372081
>Life truly is cruel, but I'm sure you're very handsome.
Thank you for saying that. I've been told I'm handsome and have "predator eyes" before, whatever that means.

>>44374181
ill find a place to sit down and collect my thoughts. do you have a disc i can add or something

>>44374319
No, unfortunately. I try to keep 4chan on 4chan, even if some of the people here seem nice. Sorry.

>>44374319
That said if youre worried about someone recognizing you, you can always keep it vague. Or just say fuck it and let them see it.

Goodnight, thread. I hope all of you find all the solutions to your problems tomorrow.

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>>44362736
Is there a single reason not to an hero as a detroon repper/faketranny? Failed at being a man, failed at being a tranny, failed at life in general. It's tiring and the facade of indifference I put up is quickly failing.

>>44375184
spite

Was carpet surfing for meth and heating that shit in a spoon to inject it with used needles when this song started playing:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GGk1Gh8Dug

Have fucked up marks from missed veins and an infection. Going to get help. At least I quit alcohol and weed though. Wish me luck.

>>44374228
I've been told a couple times that I have prey eyes, but that was in the context of kink so maybe it's not the same thing.

>>44374345
Literally sanest take on this entire board.

im probably gonna kill myself soon. i just can't stop thinking about her. about how i fucked it up. how i keep fucking everything up. there's nothing left for me in this world

>>44376799
how will you do it?

>>44376805
i live near a pretty view

>>44376822
You'll jump? How far up? Like how many feet? Is it a well-known building? Is it your apartment building or just another building?

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Dear god, why do I have no self control? I cant look away because im a fukken bleeding heart who likes to help people too much...
>>44376799
Get ahold of urself, nona, goddamn. There's other people in the world. You'll survive and meet new people. Dont apply a permanent solution to a temporary fukken problem.
I get the spiraling thoughts, really, I do. Find some way to soothe yourself. Cut out the triggers everywhere you can and pick a few activities that specifically help distract you. Right now mine is Hades 2 and for some goddamn reason looking at this fucking thread. Youre gonna be fine, I promise.

Guh istg im throwing my phone under the couch the rest of the day.

>>44375718
Good luk on getting clean anon <3

>>44376871
it's literally the same bridge that one girl killed herself at. i live near there. it is a very long way down

>>44376910
i dont want other people. i have had my heart broken over and over and over again and im sick of it. she was literally perfect for me and for a brief period of time i was actually happy. not any more

>>44377061
Literally millions of fish in the sea. If she were perfect, you wouldnt be here broken hearted, hm?
What happened, nona?

I'm feeling a lot better today
I need to start studying instead of just being a dumb bitch my entire life.

haha nona cant recognize my posts ive been very careful and vague. ok maybe not that vague but what is the likelyhood shes a channer?. hmm ok mayb but but its not like ive been dropping hints to sabotage myself. theres no way that the descriptions of these normal everyday situations are recognizable without a shared emotional context, and that would mean the delusions in my head about her are actually real and im not just projecting. and thats technically a good thing right? oh no this is very scary. posting should be illegal

i wonder why some girls make me so nervous. like i feel like i very obviously act extremely different around girls im attracted to, even if maybe i mask it well? it certainly feels different for me.

but its interesting how with some girls that i like i get really dominant and really want to tease them and make them flustered. but its not really something physical about them. its like their disposition, and if i get the sense they might like me and are acting shy or demure i want to bully the heck out of them even just with eye contact or glances and make them melt. i think it might be even better

whereas some girls them just walking into a room makes me feel weak and flush and i cant make eye contact with anyone or act normal and i start stumbling and dropping things until they leave

>>44377146
No, be a stupid bitch, that's cute.

>>44373302
YES, DRINKS ARE HITTING CA-FFE-INE

>>44377121
i fucked it up by not communicating properly

>>44377189
Intelligence is attractive, I think

>>44377223
Im intelligencing with my friends, not with whom I fuck. Why would it attract me?

>>44377223
Depends, think women(in general) seek someone smart and men someone dumb

>>44377232
Yeah but you're not fucking me

>>44377251
That's true.
>>44377250
The thing is I don't like to hear smartass yapping, I want silent nice and silly listener.

>>44377218
Ha, are you me? ngl I legit started responding cuz I read your messages and was liek "oh no, friends of mine who check these threads are gonna think I'm suicidal again when I'm actually doing pretty okay(tm)"
Not that I don't actually want to help, just the diff between me replying anonymously and turning my trip on, ahahaaa
Anyways
Communicatin's hard as fuck. Everyone is a little bit different and we ourselves have our own innate needs and styles informed by our own experiences. "Open and honest" is the goal, but sometimes that can be hard as FUCK when there are complicating factors.
If nothing else, try to take the communication failure as a lesson for future interactions. I'm working on making a LOT of changes to how I talk to and about people right now so that I won't repeat what brought me to my own metaphorical edge of the abyss.
Is she out of your life for good?

Also my pc is still weird and I'm too retarded to fix it

>>44377308
What's with it?

>>44377344
Idk it just started slowing down lately, I did all the diagnostics shit and took the parts out and reseated them
I think it's just getting old

ugh they always look so sad. and they never say anything to me. i always wanna tell them cool stories or share cute things i found on the internet but they always seem annoyed when i try to talk to them so i stop myself. maybe its cause they are repping idki want to make them fel better i dont want to be an inconvenience

>>44377365
I'm technically a repper and it's probably not just that which makes them sad

>>44377355
I have a very beefed up pc and outside of games or calculations it is very, very slow. It's os, not the hardware. Some could propagand linux here but gods forbid anyone using that bullshit on desktop. Win 11 is bullshit too, but it works and lets me launch what I need anytime.

>>44377370
ik. it just makes me feel like its my fault like im making them sad. i know thats absurd and even narcissistic to think its all about me. theyve just done so much for me and im so happy now and im just like this is a shared thing why cant you enjoy it look at what we have its so beautiful and instead of looking at the clouds and the trees theyre like buried in their phone frowning about some gay shit that probly isnt even real or obsessing over controlling what they have instead of just being content having it for as long as it lasts. i just wanna put the vial in their hand but i know they have to come to it on their own. i just know how upset i was with myself for every second i waited

>>44377414
I fucking hate Windows 11 and funnily enough it got worse since I was forced to upgrade
Windows is awful but realistically what else can you use that’s actually practical

>>44377263
> smartass yapping
Tho I could tolerate that if I could say "Shut up" and smartass will not feel bad about it.
>>44377432
I'm ok with it, there is no other alternative anyway.
inb4: AmigaOS.

>>44377424
I feel you, it’ll come eventually. I had to basically be told blatantly that repping was making me so unhappy, too many people want to hugbox it nowadays.
>>44377457
I’m not going to shill Linux or any other OS because I’m not that type of tranny. Probably couldn’t even figure out how to install a different OS

>>44377264
>Is she out of your life for good?
yes. she even accidentally left stuff at my house and i tried to get in contact with her to get them back to her but she hates me so bad she won't even respond. i told her i can just ship them to her house or she can have a friend get them or whatever she wants to do but she'd rather lose out on getting her stuff back than ever interact with me directly or indirectly again

If i go outside and see a black person i have to go back inside for a week

>>44377480
>I’m not going to shill Linux or any other OS because I’m not that type of tranny.
i will plus am

i stuck with win7 until steam stopped supporting it like a year ago and then installed arch and quit all games with anticheat. i did already used mint on old laptops but KDE has come really far and its unironically better than windows for desktop i shoulda switched like 5 years ago its pretty amazing and everything i want my computer to be

seriously just install mint or one of the popular ones like cachy its not a big deal takes like 15 minutes you dont have to commit and its really easy if your even remotely competent, which as a troon like cmon linux is in ur dna and windows is practically abusive and begging 4 you to leave

>>44377480
Linux is bullshit if used not for servers. Anyone who could read can install some shit like Gentoo or LFS, but why?
> Probably couldn’t even figure out how to install a different OS
Tech illiteracy is cute.
>>44377512
> seriously just install mint or one of the popular ones like cachy its not a big deal takes like 15 minutes you dont have to commit and its really easy if your even remotely competent, which as a troon like cmon linux is in ur dna and windows is practically abusive and begging 4 you to leave
Why the fuck one would need to spend their time to get used to all that bullshit. I've spent a lot of time with linux and found no use for it on desktop.
Absolutely useless and just performative. Virtual machine or WSL is enough for any task that would rise.

>>44377548
cause windows is a shithole garbage can? wtf do u mean lol

I am back from holidays and no woman looked or talked to me at the beach. I hate myself

>>44377512
I like to use my computer for videogames. Linux would just make it much more difficult, I get that there’s been improvements but not usable
>>44377548
I really was good with it until like 5 years ago then I got braindead

Why does it randomly remove my name
I’m annoyed now

>>44377579
Imagine having more than one GPU and more than 4 monitors. Imagine having software that works only on win. Imagine having to use some opensource bullshit instead of proper software. I don't pay for proper software, I pirate it. So what's the reason to use opensource which is bullshit except Blender and some other couple of programs. Imagine working with sound. Imagine playing old games. I could spend even more time explaining.
Linux is for servers, windows is for work, games, everything other.

>>44377623
> I really was good with it until like 5 years ago then I got braindead
Literally glad for you, what a blessing.

>>44377605
Imagine talking with randos IRL in 2026...

Also I lost weight I weigh 63kg
Not good

>>44377623
>I get that there’s been improvements but not usable
not gonna argue but only true if you play specifically modern multiplayer online games with anti-cheat like cod valorant league etc. i get they are popular and its a dealbreaker, for me it was rust keeping me on windows until facepunch ruined the game

>>44377656
i do have multiple monitors and gpus and use proprietary software inc adobe suite that is windows only that i also pirate and i have multiple soundcards and produce audio/video and play multiple AAA games, including private server rust with anticheat off. idk what to tell you it works fine for me.

im trying to think of what i had to boot into windows for other than an official wipe with my friend and i cant? i have it on a third or fourth drive but i think it corrupted like a year ago? i think i had to do it once make an hp iso image once restore someones shit to factory bc they wanted to keep the bloat and maybe to crossplatform with minecraft on xbox? it probably helps if you like tinkering then that is a benefit not a deterrence.

i guess it does depend on one thing. money. if you have infinite money then you can just waste money on hardware so that windows can spin its wheels in circles without really effecting your experience. but at that point just get a console and use your phone for everything else like a normie.

>>44377674
thats bad? my gw. how tall?

>>44377712
5’11

>>44377707
> i do have multiple monitors and gpus and use proprietary software inc adobe suite that is windows only that i also pirate and i have multiple soundcards and produce audio/video and play multiple AAA games, including private server rust with anticheat off. idk what to tell you it works fine for me.
Based then, Im glad it worked for you. But for me it's pure nah.
> i guess it does depend on one thing. money. if you have infinite money then you can just waste money on hardware so that windows can spin its wheels in circles without really effecting your experience. but at that point just get a console and use your phone for everything else like a normie.
It depends on time too, I have no rush for snappiness and I want to dumbly launch what I need. And I don't want to spend my time figuring things outside of those programs. It was funny to customize my distro with all those ratpoisons and xmonads some years ago, now I'm bored of it.
>>44377712
Obviously that's bad, bitches be puffy and soft, being a stick sucks.

>>44377731
lucker dog. (6'4, 66kg)

>>44377773
I’ve never really weighed very much

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>>44377498
OUF that's hella rough. Then it's time to just let go, tbqh. Like I said before, work on cutting down triggers. Think about what you did and work on getting better so you never do it again. There is no "perfect" in this world, and even if it was your fault, "perfect" wouldn't have come to that point to begin with. Focus on becoming the better version of you and meeting new people and things will come together again eventually.
Seriously, one of my most hated fallacies in the world is "she is literally the only person who will ever get ME" BLURGH vomiiiit. You're just really attached and probably a touch BPD/CPTSD or something like that. Don't put people on pedestals - people are people and everyone has flaws.
So many people would be happier if they were willing to be lonely for a little bit to find something better, just saying. (I say, as a total hypocrite who is considering staying with her spouse who she is miserable with due to extreme fear of loneliness...)
Anyways, I've said my piece pretty thoroughly, so I'm gonna try to clock back out of the thread since it's ultimately VERY bad for my mental and go do errands + get ready for tabletop games tonight. Don't kill yourself nona. Things can always get better but they never will if you're dead.

>>44377769
>I have no rush for snappiness and I want to dumbly launch what I need
ah yeah i use old af budget hardware im on a rx580 8gb and 3600. this whole setup was like $300 and i can play basically everything i want with it at 1080p60 while running nextcloud plex a torrent server and multiple vm. i even have one to isolate posting here lol. this shit, and my laptops, would struggle to launch a browser with all the bloat windows has these days

>I don't want to spend my time figuring things outside of those programs
i do lol i guess im autistic. i just accepted that i unironically actually like installing mods more than playing the games lol

>>44377794
i'm not some clueless teenager you pretentious dick. i've had long-term relationships before, one that i genuinely thought i was going to marry the person during. we were together nearly a decade. if you really do suffer so much from seeing people vent their emotions in a vent thread maybe you should close the tab and not run your mouth off like you're the one suffering when i'm the one genuinely planning on jumping off a bridge soon.

I’m hungry I’m going to eat a burger, see you all later thread:)
I hope everyone has a good rest of their day

>>44377820
I literally have autism and ADHD diagnosed. I liked those things so much earlier but now my hobbies are different.
> i just accepted that i unironically actually like installing mods more than playing the games lol
Based.
> ah yeah i use old af budget hardware im on a rx580 8gb and 3600. this whole setup was like $300 and i can play basically everything i want with it at 1080p60 while running nextcloud plex a torrent server and multiple vm. i even have one to isolate posting here lol. this shit, and my laptops, would struggle to launch a browser with all the bloat windows has these days
Mine is around $3000 but yeah, classics, I do some hobbies and play indie. I love befed setups, they feel nice. You're an ass also, because of you I started to think about installing all that shit again. One day maybe.

>>44377826
>someone offers genuinely good advice while they have clearly been in their bad place for a while
>snaps on them
I see why she left you. Just jump then, nigger.

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>>44377918
you know what? no. i won't. i will live on to spite people like you and her and everyone else who has mistreated me.

>>44377926
Good for you. :)

Hi, I ate way too much And now I feel awful
But I won’t purge!

>>44378471
> now I feel awful
Why awful? Just full. Digest now.

>>44378499
I am full, that’s a bad thing :(

i tried everything and im still sad it just wasnt meant to be

>>44378587
That's a good thing.

>>44378728
No I need to stay a skinny queen with a cinched waist.

>>44378790
Get those retarded thoughts from your silly head, they're harmful.

>>44378859
Okay well I’ll always be skinny but I do want a normal body

i dont know what to do with myself anymore

>>44378957
Just have to get through it one day at a time

>>44379052
thanks

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Why do I only fall in love for mentally ill people who lie to me and then leave while also crying about how they have abandonment issues (even though they are the ones pushing me away).

>>44379180
People with abandonment issues tend to self sabotage in my experience. They are so afraid of being abandoned that they leave you before you can. Sad, really. Sorry you’re going through it

>>44379180
Cluster B issues be like that. "Cant leave me if I leave first" but done in a way where they kinda force you to leave so they cant feel like theyre not the one leaving but it also wounds them all over again which makes the cycle of anguish even worse and...
Yea
Its a cycle of self loathing thats really hard to break.
t. Girl with massive abandonment issues

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>>44379180
If I ever figure it out I'll let you know...

It feels weird that I don't like any "stereotypically" tranny things except Undertale/Deltarune

Hope trapped nona is doing okay. Worried since they never came back.

WHY AM I EVEN BOTHERING TO TAKE HRT WHEN I WILL LITERALLY NEVER FUCKING PASS

>>44379981
It's a good thing.

>>44380138
How so

>>44380145
Less clockable, less trannyish.
>>44380062
To feel better? Will you really never pass?

>>44380159
Fair enough honestly.
I dunno, I feel like I have a pretty average man face. I just don't know if I can pass
I also live in the UK so it's hell

the universe conspired to entangle us
three years from now we will be living together
it's the only valid outcome of these feelings we share
the only thing we're really scared of is the turmoil lurking between then and now

>>44380532
I wish this were about me. God fucking dammit do I wish someone were thinking this about me. But reality is cruel and Im an idiot.
I hope you can your love sail smooth seas

>>44380532
if that's the case, why don't you just ask them out

i let her get close and she abandoned me and now no matter what i try i can't love. i feel dulled. its like all of my complexes that i barely grew through from dealing with my parents and family and getting myself out of there have gotten two.times as big. shes fine. im not. this bitterness has torn a hole in me. she still says these things to me like she loves me and i can't deal with it its like she wants me to hurt st this point.

do i just accept being alone now? or off myself? the whisper of hope of not being alone and being able to enjoy being around others and not feeling afraid was the only thing really keeping me going. im tired. im old. ive gone back to my understanding that i cannot be happy

>>44377480
we need to actually develop best practices for real talking to obvious eggs. the 'egg prime directive' is just seeing the potential for making it worse and capitulating instead of trying to actually solve the problem

how are you supposed to live a life when you feel that there is no way to make yourself happy?

>>44381430
Just keep trying, ig. What's up, nona?

>>44381461
crashing out as usual. ive tried a lot of things. nothing works. but ill prob bitch out of doing anything as usual so its fine.

>>44381675
What are you crashing out about?

i grew up being abused and desired and now i can't handle the lack of affection in my life

>>44362736
I can't feel anything but misery. I genuinely can't summon anything else. I'm empty. There's nothing inside me. I'm trying so hard. I have people who care about me. But I can't feel anything for them. All their words of encouragement and advice slide off of my brain without effect. I am trying to see the positive side of things but this isn't where I want to be. I don't like my new life. I had things where I wanted them and then I lost that and I can never have it back. I am stranded with strangers in a weird new life that isn't mine. I don't want to be in this position. I have people who want my attention and my affection and I can't even bring myself to do it. It's repellant. Being around people is so difficult. I don't want to do it. I'm just so empty. I want to feel something other than pain. But there's nothing inside me. Sex is nothing to me. Romance is nothing to me. Games are boring. It's all the same. I don't know how to escape this whirlpool.

>>44381776
What's different about your new life?

turned 30 this year, haven't lived life at all since 2016 when my bf committed suicide, only have been out of the house to do errands like groceries never for anything else, only thing i've done since then is take college courses online i think it's just over

>>44381789
My boyfriend of six years broke up with me, and I sort of lost all of our mutual friends with whom I used to spend basically every day. Now I have some new friends and a new girlfriend but I feel so out of place. I feel lonely. I miss the way things were when we were kids. I don't have any close friendships and things aren't going to work out with my girlfriend.

Foids have cucked me my whole damn life.

>Come out at 11 yrs old
>"NOOOOO UR JUST A DYKE REEEEEEEEEEEE"
>Go to conversion therapy with some retarded orthodox pedophile on telegram
>Almost kill myself twice
>"You're still my daughter/sister"
>Try to start testosterone like 3 seperate times, get busted every time
>Foid psychiatrist uses her Indian-ness as an excuse to deny me hormones

Fuck my retarded pooncel life.

>>44381747
being unable to feel happy and failing in all spheres of my life.

>>44382046
Whole life falling apart?

>>44382075
basically yeah. my shits fucked.

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After two weeks of fun and affection, he goes away. I'm so grateful for this time together and want to face the separation with a stronger heart, but I think I still should allow myself to cry a little about it. At least we still got to watch the movie I picked for you before the (temporary) goodbye, and I'm so happy you enjoyed it <3

I miss you. Im falling apart without you. Ive never known such miserable heartbreak in my entire life. Please dont let this be forever.

Cant sleep. Someone help. Help me forget, please. Help me forget what it was like to lay my head on your chest and hear your heartbeat... Help me forget knowing "thats the sound of the person I love". Help me forget your gentle touch. Please. I cant sleep alone like this again. My room is too still without your gentle breathing. Please I cant. I cant, please. I hate this. Why did you have to go

>>44384031
I'm sorry. I wish I knew what comfort to offer, but I don't know that I've even felt this. I'm sure one day you'll feel it again. Just imagine that warmth for now. Not so much whoever ypu're talking about, but imagine how it'll feel in the future. I'm so sorry you have to feel this

I hate that pre-transition I never cared about dating. It was so easy to be alone. Now that I'm actually ME, I just want someone to love this. I want to feel wanted and cared for. I want someone to desire me and I want to stop being lonely. I wish she would want me

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>>44366365
Its me again.

After seeing an instagram story of my girlfriend cheating on me with another woman I decided to confess everything to my boyfriend in a panic attack. Now I have her blocked, he is no longer with me for the moment and every emotional part of my brain has shut off. I feel nothing and I will everything. Later. Sometime.

Looking to the sky and enjoy the life

>>44385756
The sky is unwatchable, summer kills me. I wish for a winter to come and for -20 or something. Too bad Ill get only 0 or so, I wish to move North.

>>44385846
Yeah it's not great here either, unfortunately I am English so it's either grey or just blue, plus it's like 30c so being outside is not nice

>>44385858
Gray is nice, I've been in Finland and it's like that too there. Clear sky is nice when it's plus 15, not fucking plus 40.

>>44385871
Yeah there's no respite from the heat it's just all consuming I HATE IT

>>44385877
Too bad I was too lazy to buy coolanizator. I like that some guys from gov want to install more sun collectors, how are they called in English? Prolly like that.

>>44385895
Sun collectors? You mean solar panels I guess?
I really don't know what a coolanizator is, probably a fan

>>44385916
Yeah Solarkollektoren, solar panels. Coolanizator is an AC system, fans are nice but not that good.

>>44385937
German is a weird language, sorry. We don't really have AC here, like it's really uncommon and basically in no houses. Someone was forced to remove their AC they bought because the council were being asked to install it in other houses and they didn't wanna.

>>44385945
Eeeee, what a retards. German is funny and logic. Especially good when you have some fren who could do badass speeches like some nazi.

>>44385997
I had German and Dutch tranner friends, that's it really, they didn't like the nazi stuff though for some reason...

>>44386053
Because we have THE GUILT COMPLEX and we only left with some bs to be proud of. People are being trained and mixed. Of course there are problems with whites too. But you know...
Ah and recent funny thing when some muslim drove into a crowd of those who were fighting for him. We need more.

>>44386106
Same in England really, I think it's basically all of Europe unless you're wholesome chungus European (Irish)
They will watch a terror attack and say it's our fault for some reason and actually support bringing more here
I'm so blackpilled about it

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grumpy today because my work starts up again tomorrow (i'm a teacher), and my gf cancelled plans with me last minute even though i haven't seen her in a week. didn't suggest an alternative time to meet up either. i don't even know if i'll be able to see her until over a week from now bc i've got things going on monday/tuesday and she's going out of town on thursday.
it's not a big deal or anything, but it does make me feel like an obligation to her and that she doesn't look forward to seeing me. i was single for a really long time before this and resent caring about someone's approval so much. grumble grumble

>>44386152
It will be worse. Nothing will change much. So just try to stay away from big cities and other migrant magnets and enjoy your chungus life.

>>44386176
Grumble grumble start living together grumble grumble dates are bs grumble grumble posess and own grumble grumble.

>>44386180
yea thankfully I live in a small town and moving to a village soon, it's 99.7% white

I see this just turned into another name fag chat thread.

My birthday party got cancelled and I cannot do anything about it. I have never had a birthday party and for once I was going to have one but no now you can't. I am the type of person that kills themselves on Christmas.

>>44385858
>>44385846
oh man. the sky here im pretty sure is world renown for its sunsets its even on our flag. it looks crazy different this year too with these super deep magentas and oranges and insane cloudscapes that always preserve a shot of electric blue somewhere. the rain pattern is very different as well so im not sure if its climate change or estrogen giving me this experience but it definitely feels psychedelic and apocalyptic at once. i get to drive through this roundabout right around sunset on most days that has this abandoned office building with a bunch of palm trees and half the time they are a black silhouette against a gradient sky in like five colors its so aesthetic it give me chills

its actually slightly redeeming for how awful this shithole is. irl piss filter all day long and UV exposure so high it bleaches everything including stone white and plastic left out shatters in a month. even the few native plants that are not cactus and those too are tinted white from their natural sunscreen so the sunset is like the only source of color lmao

>>44386707
how tha fuck have you never had a birthday party

>>44386793
Last time I celebrated my birthday was when I turned 11. I did not want to have a 12th bday party because my classmates started bullying me for being gay and I did not want them to bully me at my own fucking house. Ever since then I have never recieved any gifts nor wanted to do anything until this fucking year, but I cannot do it anyways so I think I'll just try not to kill myself.

I dreamt you texted me that you missed me.
Then I woke up and cried. You dont miss me.

>>44386793
posts like this reminds me how much of a disgusting freak i am compared to everyone wow

>>44386838
You could make a party any day, remember it silly. These numbers shouldn't be ordering you around.

>>44387083
I cannot. I wanted everyone to be there but I do not have a place. I will not nitpick who to invite because they are all my friends.

I was going to use a friend's mother house but then she divorced her partner and we cannot use it anymore.

>>44387008
it's not 'disgusting' to have a shit social life. a fuckton of old people have the same issue

>>44387325
it is for me i never had any has nothing to do with age something is so broken in me

>>44387517
you're not a bad person just cause you had a shit life

>>44387577
i so am, maybe its not my fault but i am a bad unlikable person otherwise i wouldnt be in this position

>>44387711
>unlikable
>bad
are not the same

>>44387945
yes it is, its unnatural to be like this and its a bad quality to have

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Told myself before I transitioned that I didnt wanna become one of those bitter trannies that cuts off all their old friends and just spends all their time around other trannies.
I can feel myself slowly ending up in that position anyways. It fucking sucks.
Everybody who I thought was cool about my transition has been begrudgingly tolerating it at best, including family.
This blows. I don't want to become a bitter person

hey you could have cut everyone off while a repper instead lol

>>44388220
Was tempted to multiple times back when I was a repper. There were a lot of times where I completely isolated myself and stewed in depression for a while before finally going back and talking to the people in my life again.
I almost kinda regret going out of my way to maintain those relationships now that I know they were completely conditional.

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>>44386516
I guess it's better than the alternative of the thread dying altogether?

>>44388140
This has kind of been my experience, too. The support I've gotten from the people closest to me, that I've spent the last 20 years with, has been disappointingly tepid. I learned too late I was friends with a bunch of autists who just don't understand complex emotions and don't like change. Even my SO has been "getting used to it" for eight years, and still hasn't told her mom about me (who we now live with - sure is fun getting deadnamed every day). At this point I wonder if she's just ashamed of me.

Sorry I haven't been around much recently. I've been trying to keep up with reading everyone's posts, but my SO has been off this week and never wants to stop doing things, so I haven't had much downtime. And when I do get to sit, I've been feeling too numb and depressed to have many replies in me. I'm looking forward to when she goes back to work on Tuesday so I can just sit and have a coffee in the morning, and not need to immediately entertain the dog for an hour or two as soon as we wake up.

>>44388473
hey looks like you're spending more time with your SO at least, hope you're feeling a little better

>>44388499
Not really. Things are still strained between us. I still haven't talked to her about all those things I need to; she's perpetually tired, sick, in pain, and generally not in the mood for such discussions. And the dog has been a point of disagreement since we got him.
I never wanted a dog and still don't, but when we first started dating she basically made me promise to get one one day or we'd break up. I've had a long time to reflect on it, and I realize that I was (am?) so afraid of rejection and abandonment that I was willing to compromise on my own wants and boundaries to avoid it. She coddles him and always has since we got him, so whenever she's around she implicitly sets the bar very high for how much attention & entertainment he needs, which I find exhausting. Even now I'm only getting to sit for a few minutes because she ignored how sick & in pain she was to go throw balls for him outside, which I was obliged to join in for, and she finally threw in the towel. Being bored isn't going to kill him, but I cannot convince her of that.
Like I said, I'm looking forward to her going back to work.

>>44388473
Yeah it's just kinda frustrating. I feel ungrateful for not being happy with not being disowned or whatever, but it's like
Everybody is just trying to ignore it. It's like they're trying to hang onto what they feel like is "normal" and I would be making a nuisance out of myself by asserting that my identity is serious.
I'm sure when talking about me in private people deadname me to avoid having to explain it.
I'm visually a completely different person now and everybody notices but it doesn't matter. They want to keep that old idea of me around and have no interest in learning more about who I want to be

>>44388588
did she have a dog in her childhood that later died? i don't want to assume anything but it sounds like a pathological need out of trauma or something if it's really brought up every time between you two

>>44388714
She was always around dogs growing up through her extended family, but never had one of her own and always wanted one. She's also an only child, so some of her behaviors can be explained as only child syndrome, I guess. She never argues with me when I tell her the dog is fine is he's bored, that he doesn't need constant attention, but she also never listens and just keeps on doing it. Now he's her little ducky, always following her around expecting attention any time she's home. And because of her chronic illness, she'll often delegate those high expectations onto me.
I'm not sure I can recommend corgis for one's first dog. They have a lot of weird quirks and annoying traits.

>>44388714
my ex was like that. my current situation has 2 dogs that are chihuahua mixes. at least they actually bark at things. constantly but things, so there are gaps. the neighbors dog just always barks. always. im allergic to cats but i like them. i think i hate dogs

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>>44362736
5 years HRT on Thursday. I feel like shit. Transitioning has gone terribly. I spent the first 4~ years boymoding and living with my parents who tried to steal my HRT, monitored my every move and constantly berated me for transitioning. I moved out and have been struggling with poverty ever since. My body is disgusting and my dysphoria never really went away. No boobs. Still not skinny enough. Post laser but my shadow came back. Manly jaw. Barrel chest. I’m so alone too. I have no close friends. My long distance gf of 2 years broke up with me months after we started living together and I can’t find anyone else who even seems like the same species. I hate myself and my body so fucking much and I just want to die. I went to “T4T night” at a bar the other night. Sat with a girl I sort of know but not well enough to have earned calling her a friend. Watched her get some other girl’s number while these other girls across from me engaged in PDA. I wish I was them. I want to be them so bad. I’m 27 now and my life is spent. I tried transition and it didn’t work out. I moved on my own and it didn’t work out. It’s over.

I have no will left to live. I wish to die, but dont even have the energy to do it... all seem capable of doing is slowly starving to death

>>44389500
Missed my hormone shot yesterday, too. Just too much energy. Dont care enough. Who is going to even see me anyways. All I can do is waste away in my bed.

>>44388625
Yeah, that's about the size of it, huh...?
Last summer I was taking the dog for a walk in the park across the street from our old house, when I ran into someone I worked with many years ago in one of my first IT jobs.
"[deadname], right?"
I felt my eye twitch.
"Yeah, Al?"
If he couldn't tell I was trans, I didn't really have much desire to get into it with him.
"Ah, I thought so! I'm good with faces."
The conversation was pretty banal, just quickly catching up over a minute or so, and we went our separate ways. Later that day, an intrusive thought popped into my head: "I should just ghost everything, move to a different city and start over."
I was surprised, as that's not something I'd ever dreamed of doing or anything, and interrogating the thought I quickly came back to that conversation. I realized that with my 20 years living here, there are untold normies for whom I would always be [deadname] the man, and I could either spend the rest of my days obnoxiously correcting everyone and probably end up in some embarrassing viral video, or just accept being deadnamed forever. Gotta say, I still think about ghosting my life now & then.

>>44389255
I don't hate dogs, I just have zero desire to be responsible for one, and four years of dog ownership has not changed my mind.

>>44389371
There, but for blind luck, go I...
I'm sorry, nona. Have you gone back to any more of those events? They sound like fun. There isn't even a gay bar where I live.

>>44389549
I realize it's not what you meant, but I see you here, for whatever that's worth. Hang int there, nona.

>>44389658
No hanging in there for me. Ive been rotting for weeks. There is nothing left of me.

>>44390394
hi nona
i believe we can learn from everyone
what's your wisdom for me? i'm curious

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i feel like shit all the time. constantly feel sick yet hungry at the same time. not eating makes me feel like throwing up, eating makes me feel like throwing up too. i never have any energy to do much of anything, and i constantly feel like i'm failing everyone who cares about me because of it.

all i do is go to my job that i hate and work my ass off on almost no energy, eat despite never wanting to and almost never finishing my plate, keep working endlessly until i can breach that next savings milestone so i can pay debts that will seemingly never be settled. all so i can come home, pet my cat, rot in bed for a few hours, finally sleep and then do it all again the next day.

i never have time or energy for myself or others, it's fucking miserable. i'm starving, yet don't want to eat. i'm working, but just want some time off. i'm surviving but i'm not even sure if i want to live.

>>44390437
Dont fuck up.

Fuckdamnit I crossposted with my trip lmao

i want to look like a foid on anavar
i want to look like a foid on anavar
i want to look like a foid on anavar

>>44362736
back here again I want to blow my brains out, someone tell me death will be okay and comfort me into it ahahah

>>44390443
too bad i already know that one, thanks anyways tho
hope things get better for you... too bad the first requirement for that is probably taking your shot, and idk how to help with that
what i would do would be just 1 step, like for me that would be just opening the drawer
then i do 1 more step later when im feeling like it
it might take a few days but it would probably be faster that way, good luck

>>44390519
Its a lesson life keeps hitting me on the head with. Dont fuck up. Be perfect. Or else you will lose everything.
Im probably going to throw my hormones out with the trash tonight desu. Not worth the effort.

>>44390439
Sometimes I just want to cuddle my cats, too. I'm sorry life feels like a treadmill. Do you know what's causing the nausea?

>>44390473
I've done that a couple times. Fortunately, no one cares.

>>44390508
No can do, nona; I'm too afraid to die. Why do you want to?

>>44390601
AVGNona here, no. i mean, i have an inkling that it could be due to the dosage of estrogen i take every other week, but that would only explain why it flares really bad to the point i call out of work. it doesn't explain why it remains at a constant background level outside of that. maybe i've developed an eating disorder or something idk.

>>44390566
>Dont fuck up. Be perfect. Or else you will lose everything.
i feel like that too, but i manage it because i noticed after losing everything that i hadn't lost myself yet
when i came close to losing myself, i felt empathy and chose to try to save myself instead, because even after losing everything i still had someone who gave a slight fuck, it wasnt someone else, but someone nonetheless
>Im probably going to throw my hormones out with the trash tonight desu. Not worth the effort.
if you dont, remember that someone disagreed, even if they can't do much... they still care

even i care at least a little ffs, that anon above too... but we hold very little power in comparison, like we can't control your body after all

>>44390659
Yall only care because you feel you should.

>>44390736
I care because in many of the posts in these threads, I see a little of myself. Somewhere out there is a poor lost soul who feels alone and unhappy with themselves & life, just like me. I hoped that by keeping these threads going, someone out there would, even just for a moment, feel unalone.
Also I was cursed with empathy long ago by some manner of supernatural creature. Not sure why...

>>44390736
no... i pretty much only do what i want, and feeling like i should something in that way is probably the thing i feel the least in my life
i guess i care because i just dont want anyone to suffer, so if you want a reason in the same sentiment you wrote, it would be something like "i only care because your suffering makes me feel bad"
although the reason that matters the most is yours, do you know why you care? idk if the answer matters much, but i feel like thinking about it helped me (you can guess what mine is)
>>44390792
>I care because in many of the posts in these threads, I see a little of myself. Somewhere out there is a poor lost soul who feels alone and unhappy with themselves & life, just like me.
i feel like that too, im sorry and hope things get better for you too
>I hoped that by keeping these threads going, someone out there would, even just for a moment, feel unalone.
thanks anon, you achieved that for me at the very least :)
>Also I was cursed with empathy
wish i could help with that, disengagement and (healthy) distraction are what seem to work for me, but idk which criterions i use to take these decisions, i guess i just do it when i feel bad enough

>>44390792
Well, sorry. Some people here are beyond saving. I just tossed everything in the trash compactor. Thanks for caring, ig.
>>44391149
Same for you.

>>44391182
it's okay, that just means you don't care so i guess that's just a bit of weight off your shoulders
ngl that made me a little sad but i'm in no position to have opinions imho
good night anon, or at least a not very bad one if it can't be good :/

I'm disturbed by the fact that I have a tranny bestie who is literally my t4t dream girl but I have no idea if she's interested in exploring that with me and I'll have to ask her out to get an answer but it's scary

its so awesome how im 17 months hrt and still dont pass i know it takes time but it feels like no matter what i do ill always have disgusting moid bones, nooone knows im trans and people i know say i look like a woman but still no matter where i go i get he himmed, im too afraid of getting hate crimed to not boymode 247 because i just dont pass whatsoever it makes me want to give up and either live as a disgusting estrogenized man or kill myself

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>>44391330
Trying my best. Real darkest hour stuff. Certain people will never speak to me again once they find out. It's better this way. No rest for the wicked tonight, I suppose.

- girlfriend broke up with me recently, it was mutual but still hurts, its been a while since ive been physically comfortable with someone like that
- got three HR infractions for goofing off at work, the possibility that i lose my job is very real and i dont have anywhere to go if i lose that income
- biggest dream in life was to run away from home and i did that three years ago, ive been aimless ever since, there's nothing in life that's made me actively want to live for it—not even the collation of all the small things
- born in a white country but cursed with being indian, wide ribcage, awful shr and whr; hate having my disgusting boomy man voice come out

i dunno, i feel like i could find a million things to talk about but it boils down to, im scared. im so fucking scared. what if i can't receive love ever again? what if i lose my job? the job markets fucked, ive Been trying to apply for every and any wagie job i can to escape my current position but there's nothing that'll let me pay rent. what if ill never be happy with myself? with my body? that happiness isn't an option for me, that ill never actually want to live.

i just dont know if anythings worth it, i hate this feeling, i think i might just do it. ive been looking into sodium nitrite and anti-emetics, its not like i can do anything now, but knowing that i can prepare the steps and opt-out at any time is a little reassuring i guess.

>>44393579
if you received love once, that means you can definitely receive it again. first time is, if nothing else, proof of concept. and you never know, lots of things we lose have a funny way of turning up again when we least expect it. everything lost will be found, eventually, in one way or another

living is worth it. it's rough, but eventually you can wake up one day and think "actually, not so bad" and enjoy the sun

>>44393793
NTA, you say that, but Im halfway into my 30s and not only still miserable, but at the literal lowest most miserable point in my life. Its hard to keep believing at a certain point. Sometimes youre just a cosmic plaything.

>>44393812
some people don't figure shit out and start really living and thriving into their 30s and 40s.

i'm not saying it's easy or that it's certain, i'm just saying it's possible, and non-zero is better odds than zero.

i'm sorry it's rough out there though, i really am. i'm not sure how much it's worth, but i'll light a candle and pray for you (and the other anon i first replied to) tonight

>>44393824
My chances are actually near zero. I have nothing left but obligations that will eat away what is left of me.

>>44393812
>Sometimes youre just a cosmic plaything.
I feel like this quite often, that I'm being made to suffer for the sake of some uninteresting plot.

Slowly coming to terms w the fact that if I was born like 10 years later I probably would have transitioned. Not because I think im a woman or some shit- the time in my life where i wished I was a girl non-stop are over and ive kinda settled into a version of masculinity that isnt suffocating.
But fuck all I want is to be wanted for who I am (and fuck it, how I look) and not what I bring to the table. Every relationship- even those with women who start off as boss bitches starts off fine but morphs into pseudo-parenting because I feel guilty anyone to do anything for me but am more than happy to take things off of others' plates. And its always the same 'youre so handsome baby, youre so big and strong' and I get its coming from a good place but they feel like theyre validating a masculinity im just pretending to embody. The compliments that stick with me are when im out drinking with people I don't know super well and someone calls me 'pretty' specifically because idk i guess it signals theres something there beyond what I can do for someone?
And i just think if I was a girl Id have a way easier time moving through the world in a way that doesnt require constantly supressing parts of who ai am, and an easier time finding a relationship where I could come home and be taken care of and feel safe and comforted and loved just for being supportive and nice to look at in bed.
>>44362815
Its not your job. Fuck him.

i wish i were one of those annoying afabs nbs you guys complain about all the time

its working! i think the thread is getting more popular and making a difference for the whole board and changing the culture from mean crab bucket to not-hugbox group therapy. slowly and only a little but ive noticed. think about how many active generals there are and how many unique ips post more then twice. i bet this thread is a significant percent of board traffic now esp during slow hours. i didnt even have to page nine bump 2 days in a row

i think people started gossiping about me at work. i have no idea if they think im gay or clocked as trans since i manmode. im only 8 months hrt and we have high churn turnover and im like really tall but ive been here for a couple years and i totally did stop wearing blue jeans and color shirts with a full repper beard to wearing all fitted tight all black and shaving every day and wearing concealer but i did it really slowly over a year totally no one notices.

no one spoke to me at all for the first two years and i barely started making friends right when i started transition. so i guess this is just normal autism where like they like you for a couple months and then you fuck up social expectations and they think ur rude or whatever. its just lame that i was ok when everyone ignored me and now that im happy and talk to some people other people talk shit. i feel like the annoying new guy who doesnt get it and follows unnecessary rules again cause no one will show me the ropes and im just supposed to know without being told, even tho atp some of these people are newer than me.

but yeah it really makes me want to selfsabotage this shit and blow it up to force myself to transfer to a different building to get a fresh start where people wont have seen this change in me and i dont have to feel weird about shaving cause it will be something ive always done. like all the guys here have full beards except one 18 yo. but i really like this site and its honestly one of the better ones in the region/country which is actually why so much of the staff sits on lower tier roles and never quits instead of promoting. i technically cant get a full time regular schedule year round unless i transfer out but i actually kind of like it this way its a really good work/life balance and i can get a lot of overtime seasonally. i just really hate the idea that people might be minorly criticizing me behind my back for being mildly annoying and socially retarded. kinda feel like a joke

>>44395350
me too I want to be a childfree cis woman with enby pronouns

>>44394526
same. you still can tho. i did super late and it was really worth it and basically everything i ever wanted. you gotta have some perspective and proper expectations but yeah. i posted about feeling arrested development and now my algo thinks im an age regressor but thats not it. i feel like my life stalled from 2017 to 2024 so i only regressed 8 years. i feel 28 not 36, like i related to elder covid transitioners not other boomers and not teens or children at all. this is bc i graduated late and got into the workforce late and then had a bad breakup due to repping and neeted out for a decade after. so i still feel like a recent graduate failure to launch person since i only started progressing again very recently

if i were born 10 years later i would have been a covid transitioner in my early 20s and i would be so much happier and all the pretty people i follow for inspo would be age appropriate friends and i wouldnt be so alienated. im really not that sad incredibly about it and feel super lucky bc hrt undid the majority of damage from the last 15 years but like if i never did the damage in the first place it would be so much better and i would have so much more time and still be young and cute and fmstl rite. fucking i unironically had the opportunity to have my move to seattle paid for at 24 and rejected it out of anxiety and just continued to rep. omg killmepls

>>44395482
yeah i found some nb influencer and im like that! thats what i want. hair voice style height masc/femme balance everything and im not even that far away. im very conflicted about whether i want something for myself/in others most of the time but this is finally not confusing. i mean shes cute too but i definitely want to be like her way more. ill probly flip flop again later but nb doesnt feel like height cope right now at all

>>44395535
I kinda relate. I pretty much lost my 20s to anorexia- alienated my friends, stopped going out, etc and when I finally recovered it was during Covid. Lifting weights is kinda what saved my life and now im at this weird point where externally im kind of a himbo (energy drinks, alcohol, gym, relentless external positivity, eat big to get big bro) but Ive still got the longer hair, dainty jewelry, slutty wide-necked shirts, love of fashion etc. Its like... on the outside Ive become the persona I needed to pull me out of my depression and ED and self loathing, but that persona is wrapped around a vulnerable fem-adjacent brained core that I have to be careful about how I present, and I only feel valid when someone can see through the layers?

And i dont relate to straight men at all. Honestly i even find gay men boorish even if they're one of the few groups that consistently gives me that feeling of being lusted over. And like all my closest friends in life have been women and ive always related more to them. But I still dont think transitioning is the right move... I dont hate being male. I dont hate my body. I just hate the roles and expectations that come with it. Also the transition thought doesnt really make me regretful. More anemoic? Like theres an alternate version of reality where I was born a girl and didnt have to jump through hoops to come to a version of myself that didnt feel like a costume and could find fulfilling relationships, and I think of that version of myself existing and im more happy for her than I am bitter that this was my lot?

i just full on sobbing cried big wet tears while jerking off and cumming my dysphoric tranny micropenis because i keep fantasizing about my tgirl friend making love to me but i know she doesnt love me and honestly i dont really love her either i just want her to love me and i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me and i think the worst part is she would let me suck her cock if i asked but i dont because im retarded or something

>>44394526
It kind of sound like you've just had a string of bad partners. You're allowed to be pampered & taken care of in a relationship regardless of your gender, but I wonder if your own tendency to take care of others might be preventing you from allowing that to happen. Couple that with your partners not picking up on that desire, and you've had a bad experience. :(
Have you ever expressly communicated that desire to a partner?

>>44395377
Huh. I haven't really been watching the board in general, but I'm glad if the mood has shifted a bit.
Who's a good little thread? You are! <3

>>44395440
What makes you think they're gossiping about you, exactly?

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Dysphoria has been consuming me more than it has ever used to for months, almost a year. It's been devastating; my obsessive thoughts end up becoming a problem for my loved ones, and I can't help them, I'm lucky they love me, but I feel like I'm lying to them, that deep down they don't actually see me as a man, and just pretend so I don't hurt myself.

I'll never have a man's body, never have big hands or feet. The things I like, my mannerisms, even my art are fembrained, to top it all off, I'm extremely short, even by average height standards; so I can only feel doom.

For now, my day consists of waking up and feeling like throwing up every time I look in the mirror, I constantly tell myself "be a man, men don't cry" to deal with the pain, but it doesn't work. I guess I'll keep trying and waiting until I can get a job and start HRT. And when is that going to happen? I don't know.