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>QOTT
Have been drinking White Claw, but am now out of White Claw.
Considering going out to obtain more.

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>>44383168

>>44383168
take your HRT, retards

>>44383235
Cute cat.
How is the hard Arizona?
>>44383238
Make me.

>>44383238
theyre too retarded to even consider it

>>44383253
>Make me
You'd like that wouldn't you? Too much of a pussy to troon out yourself?

>>44383238
I am but that doesn't change anything. IWABAM

>>44383168
>qott: what are you drinking today?
water and black coffee.

>>44383235
This picture makes me so happy I no longer am a heavy drinker

>>44383269
...yes...

>>44383235
Nice kot

>>44383168
also just black coffee cause im a sober bitch
keep wanting to take shrooms to fix my brain but im also terrified im going to kill myself next time i do it. so i guess i am not truly suicidal after all.

>>44383238
everyone will hate me if I do

>>44383434
Then at least HRT rep, retard

>>44383443
don't call me a retard :(

>>44383451
Then take your pills.

>>44383466
give me some then

>>44383235
aww cute
this makes me really miss my old companion : (
snuggle with him for me okay
>>44383297
stacking up cans is fun

>>44383168
>qott
sadly nothing right now, I had to take a few days off to let my guts recover

>>44383168
Remember it's always better to rep than be a neverpasser

>>44383622
<3 staying strong

>>44383568
Same, my liver needs a break plus too poor to afford more booze right now.

>>44383238
my huge retard therapy?

>>44383739
Wtf are you doing, you could literally be a passoid if u tried

>>44383168
>qott
water
>>44383622
honestly no point in transitioning unless ur a youngshit/luckshit
>>44383739
you arent real

this is all my fault

>>44383622
Absolutely trve, repping is the logical/practical option most of the time.

>>44383168
I don’t understand the microphone. Shouldn’t it be one of those huge vibrators?

>>44383739
when i tried the same i looked like a monster and quit hrt twice
good luck figuring it out

>>44383622
i disagree

>>44383763
My parents would disown me if they knew I was trans + am not financially independent yet = would never finish college and would have a trash life nonetheless. But thanks, you made my day.

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>>44383739

>>44383871
fucking jannies got to it

>>44383884
Nope, I just deleted it myself

>>44383900
I saw it and you mog me.

I don't even need to pass anymore I just want to be happy

I drink vodka everyday all day and its honestly better than how things where before

>>44383900
>>44383969
mogs everyone in this thread, i’d switch bodies with you in a heartbeat

>>44383168
>>44383203
>>44383235
cats are based for repping
too bad mine died long ago

>>44383985
i was a fifth of vodka per day drinker. just passed 4 years sober. i hope things continue to improve for you <3

>>44383417
I've always wanted to try psychedelics but never really had the opportunity or proper setting, probably wouldn't even do anything due to taking an ssri.

>>44383985
I have a little over 20 bucks left, debating whether or not I should buy food and other essentials or spend it on alcohol again.

>>44384508
food and stuff... you can always buy more alcohol later

on the other hand alcohol contains a lot of energy so food isn't really needed

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>>44383168
platinuujkm
riakaloff
smirnofff
sssssssssssss
i need toshoot myselff
i really need tokillmyself
i need to stroll in4to a snowy tforest and then hang myselfffffffff while drinkinn morrreeeee


what a beauuutiful death
what an ethereall death
what a sublime and otherworldy and elegaant and demure death

(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and
(,,>﹏<,,) and(,,>﹏<,,) and

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>>44384582
Quite the conundrum

>>44383168
repressing is so easy when you're depressed, it doesn't matter, nothing matters
repressing is really easy when you're happy, why would you care about not looking exactly how you wished you looked, things are fine

>>44383474
usa?

I'm drinking 5 cups of spearmint tea a day for my health, no other reason.

it's tasty

>>44383969
>>44384036
I absolutely don’t pass body wise and this pic might be angle frauding. My voice is too deep as well

I do nothing all day. Nothing all day. Every day I do nothing. I am a nothing doer.

>>44385333
I wish I could do nothing

>>44385446
it's very easy.

>>44385565
Then I die of hunger

>>44385574
Nobody dies of hunger in the first world bro

>>44385660
Too bad I’m on the third world then

>>44385667
alright nevermind.

>>44385660
wtf bro just literally stop eating lol just get away from the plate

>>44384130
cats truly are the ideal repper pet in that they will get you out of bed in the morning whether you like it or not but you dont have to take them outside to avoid them shitting on the floor

>>44383168
Last night i had two normal beers two strong beers and a strong mixed drink

>Horrible physical pain from my shoulder
>Schizophrenic voices screaming
>Money: Doesn't exist
>ADHD: Full 100%
>Adult Human Male

HELL YEAH!!

>>44386193
This could be a fun game, maybe? What chronic illness do Anons on here have.

I'll start

>Tinnitus in both ears
>Untreated chronical bone pain in all my limbs
>Diagnosed autism when I was 18
>IBS
>Permanent migraines
>Otitis media in both ears
>Brown

>>44386460
We have such fucked up genetics I swear. I also got cancer in my late twenties. It's in remission but still.

repping ruined my life so so much ill never be a normal human capable of anything let me just give up already

man melatonin has helped my sleep so much. maybe this is what makes me normal
>>44383168
ty for making a non gincel edition
have decided to attempt being sober so nothing for the foreseeable future
>>44383238
no <3

>>44387194
trooning out will actually ruin your life if you don’t gigapass. keep repping soldier.

>>44387366
i hrtrep actually but its okay since literally nobody can tell or know thats how much my life is ruined. theres no point in continuing

>>44385298
facepassing matters more than bodypassing anyways. i dont fully remember that pic u sent last night but it seems you were almost passing thru pure effortmaxxing. you need to hop on hrt, asap.
>my voice is too deep as well
thats why voice training exists, retard. no one voicepasses from the start

facepassing matters more than bodypassing
bodypassing matters more than facepassing
heightpassing matters more than bodypassing
voicepasifig
bodypassing metters mroe than foicebsofindsg

>>44387681
The best passing is bypassing dysphoria by repping.

>>44384825
yeah

im still waiting for my evola vid, youtube
i know you can hear me

>>44385057
does it really have any effect

>>44388720
Nta but heard that spearmint reduces testosterone levels, at least for women with pcos.

>>44383238
Pointless. You'll just be a man with tits
t.man with tits
They deflate and sag if you desist too

>>44383168
fernet and coke. i really hate being like this. i started journaling again but i feel obnoxious just writing about this shit lol does anyone have any suggestions for better repping beyond like the typical overmasculinized bs

>>44385892
I like it.
A cat provides a reason to get up, but it can take care of itself if you kill yourself. Fun and practical.

the feelings get worse and harder to control when I'm tired
it's like I don't have the energy to keep my mask on as tightly

>>44388888
Keeping yourself constantly distracted with daily tasks like a job, exercise, entertainment works well, really anything to keep yourself occupied. The idle mind let's your thoughts wander. Otherwise I just drink or sleep but that isn't the healthiest.
Also checked

making myself some spearmint tea rn thanks for the recommendation

>>44388059
if you want you can add me on discord idk if ill be of much help but: ssbb910

>>44387832
bypassing repping by realizing im not trans

I cant be trans. I hate women

>>44389564
aaaaa i can't people are scary

>>44389699
Cosmic Intelligence reached

>>44389738
Do you hate yourself?

>>44386193
>EDS aka dislocated joints and surprise nosebleeds condition
>gastritis from all the shitty food and starving myself
>ADHD + autism
>a bunch of allergies
>scoliosis
>bonus: palpitations for seemingly no reason

>>44384290
Im at about a handle a week and yeah its honestly going alot nicer. I dont get to the point of drunk where you really dont know whats going on anymore.

>>44384290
why would you do that to yourself?

>>44385057
>>44388740
>>44385057
I should try this

>>44390353
drink every day or get sober? because former should be obvious given current thread context (compsci tranny) and latter was i became aware of serious short term memory loss and memory is the only thing i really value

>>44383168
I take Zoloft

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Why did I have to have tranny thoughts. Why did this happen to me

>>44390739
Why me of all people it doesnt make statistical sense I must have made it ip to make myself feel special or for some kind of fetish. There's no way I would just happen have this rare mental illness

>>44388909
yeah even when we are gone cats will survive, they never had the hunt bred out of them (even if they can become lazy bastards when they get fed regularly)
dogs will perish within weeks, theyre helpless :(

>>44391317
nahhhh they pick it up quickly and they're clever have you seen how quickly and naturally a domestic dog will take to joining a pack of working dogs its crazy cool
the mutts will be fine, just maybe not some of the dysgenic pedigrees ...

I really need to stop reading things that make me angry and upset, adding extra stress to my situation is not helpful

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>1.4 SHR

>>44391852
Danzig moding

>>44389961
Yes

>>44390579
I take prozac, how many other zombiemoders itt?

>>44391852
1.05 shr
191cm balding ogre
somebody fucking kill me

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>>44383168
Why can't we live in a world we're if a guy takes hrt for a month he'd look like pic related
Instead it's several years and even then the majority of people would look like a hon
If there were no irreversible side effects, didn't cause mood swings, and made you look like this I would have taken hrt years ago
But noooooooooo id be fucking ugly

>>44388947
i have been to be honest, it just is difficult.

>>44392415
I was growing up and that was probably a contributing factor in me not properly developing into a real person

>>44392937
I want to look like that.
I want to look like that.
I want to look like that.
I want to look like that.

>b-but that's a cartoon
I don't care.
I want to look like that.

I wish I was living in a cartoon as a nerdy girl :/

>look in mirror

dear god what the fuck.

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I got my first census form since living alone so now I can be 100% honest and put down my actual gender instead of lying like I have for the last 40 years.

How do I become more fembrained? Are there any scientifically proven ways to achieve fembrain?

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I kind of want to vote for the fascists this next election just to spite all the good looking women. I don't care if they make my life worse as long as they make other people miserable as well.

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>>44394133
Read YA romance novels

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What does it feel like to be loved?

>>44394139
story of american politics right here

>>44394146
I've tried but they are so fucking boring. The only romance adjacent stuff I even remotely liked I found in the classics section: Bronte sisters, Jane Austen, Tolstoy's Anna Karenina, etc. But they are not considered romance by academics iirc (could be wrong).

I ordered Estrogen just for fun. I am not going to inject it.

I want to be a game dev but I can't figure out programming. I am so bad at being a troon.

>>44394189
Probably ngmi in that case there's nothing more fembrained than romance books.

What happened to the guy who injected everclear into his balls did he die yet

>>44394181
Americans already have facists though I live in a country with a left wing government currently and no one loves me so everyone deserves to be miserable because of it unironically.

how do i cope with being a failed male
ignoring agp could be easier if i were a little more handsome

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>>44394612
Still alive just taking a break from it due to IRL stuff, also need to buy more needles. Will buy more sometime this week when I stop by the pharmacy.

Hi I am a repper looking to have sex with other reppers. We can be miserable together. If you're on hrt you are not a repper sorry.

>>44395290
no that sounds weird.

>>44395290
kys

>>44394842
drugs sex and being a cat daddy

>>44383168
I should break up and start repping again

Where can I find a non-affirming therapist to throw money at

Who up adulting their human male

>>44398293
me since 4pm this morning

>>44394139
LGBT brought it on themselves to start with

>>44395290
does this end with us both transitioning

take my hrt, me-tard

ariana grande's reviving my anorexia but i'm a grown ass man. what do i seek to accomplish? there's only male bones under what little fat i have left.

should I shoot myself in the dick and balls with a .40

a lot of people are like "i can help you get hrt" but nobody is like "i can help you get a pistol so you can shoot yourself"

odds and I order E today, evens and I do it tomorrow

not gonna take it, I just want it for safekeeping a la >>44394255

noo please don't surreptitiously inject me with estrogen repeatedly for a prolonged period of approx. 6 to 18 months noooo i would hate that

>>44400568
everybody has a random piece of clothing or rope to hang themselves. what i REALLY need is someone with the determination to murder me.

owari da

If I ever become a John50 I hope one of you is merciful enough to have me euthanized.

I have such an unhealthy obsession with who or what I'm "supposed" to be attracted to

You’re supposed to be attracted to me, alas I’m not the cool short attractive girl I’m supposed to be ;_;

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I just hate myself and the human body. This is just my outlet for it. I wish I could just enjoy my simple worthless existence without being forced to inhabit this horrible mass of flesh.

>>44394101
what religion are we putting on our censii ausrepper

>>44394366
that's the first step to figuring it out
you just have to repeat until you figure it out
you're a troon you can do this i believe in you

for those of you doing the spearmint thing
do you eat the leaves or am i cattlebrained for this

If I can't be a woman, then it's over

If I can't be an anime girl with a gigantic ass, then it's over

>>44402287
just make tea
tastes good and might be healthy for you

---> Adult Human Male <---

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>>44403283
Literally me

>>44402846
i make the tea but i eat the leaves too

>>44402287
I doubt it actually reduces testosterone levels to any measurable degree but I like tea and I like mint.

>>44403324
as a spice or just as they are?

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HRT "reppers" be like

>>44404045
The Adult Human Male does not concern himself with the opinions of HRT takers.

I hate at least 90% of FTMs, I really do. Even if I was able to go 100% stealth the fact that I would still be in any way associated with them disgusts me. It's not misandry because I don't feel this way about cis men

>>44404045
i look like right but with a bigger head, taller, wider shoulders, and balder
>>44404173
we are just men but with moobs
estrogen isn't magic and can't undo male puberty

>>44393218
Maybe I should consider myself lucky that the only side effects I've gotten were insomnia, never experienced any of the emotional blunting I heard about although I wish I did.

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Haha what if I took the same meds as a joke lol

>>44404045
I look like my dad but with conetits and not bald
i have infinitely more in common with you than with trans women

>>44383168
I'm already agp should I transition/start taking HRT?

>>44395244
It has been done, used larger gunge needles this time so it hurt a lot more. 5ml of 60 abv into each nut.

>>44404045
HRT is such a meme and placebo for some that I genuinely thought the HRTrepper was going to be on the right when I opened this image.

the internet is a loop of garbage. HRT does nothing(Tried it, felt no different mentally, detransitioned technically though I was only on it for like 3 weeks). Nothing is fun. There's no point in anything.

I'm LDARing until I die.

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>i find a place that sells hrt
>i keep the tab open for several days and wrestle whether to go for it
>it goes out of stock
>rinse and repeat

>>44405907
I was also like this before i finally did it lol

>>44405656
The mental effect is just being relieved doing something about being trans in my opinion
3 weeks is absolutely nothing. I didn't notice any changes before like 6 months.
>>44405907
Just buy it. It'll not force itself on you when you hold it in your hand...

>>44383168
How many here are actually hrt reppers/moders?

>>44406711
make a poll

>>44406687
>3 weeks is absolutely nothing. I didn't notice any changes before like 6 months.

Just 6 more months bro

>>44406836
Nta but 3 weeks is nothing lol

>>44406863
Who says you feel mental effects in 6 months? Where do these numbers come from anyway

>>44406874
No idea it was quicker for me. My transitioning only started to suck when I pressured myself to pass

>>44406908
Mental effects (like passing) are always on the horizon but never here. Just wait 3 months/6 months/a year/3 years/5 years/get surgery AND SO ON

>>44406996
No if you already desisted and are just doing it for your mental health

>>44406874
I sure didn’t say that, just that it took me 6 months to experience any changes at all.
A few weeks is still nothing.

feels lonely not ever being able to be fully honest with anyone

>>44407795
<3 i hope it improves for both of us

>>44407795
It does, but it feeds my avoidant tendencies

If I took HRT I would hate my cones. But would I hate them because other people would hate them on me or because my body would look even more disgusting? Maybe because I can't afford to look more unattractive than I already am and they would decimate my chances of someone finding me attractive, especially when I primarily find women attractive because I'm an AGAMP/AGP freak

>>44409491
Progesterone helps filling boobs

>>44407867
thanks, but if you're anything like me it almost certainly won't

>>44406796
https://strawpoll.gg/poll/what-type-of-repper-are-you

started lifting a few months ago and now my shoulders are like 4cm wider woohoo
once i hit goal on upper body (almost there) i'm just going to maintain and hope they return to normal size

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I am once again freaking the fuck out over my drunken impulsive decision to inject alcohol into my balls.

>>44411074
did the injection make you drunker

>>44411371
I honestly can't tell if they did or not since I was already pretty drunk, but almost every time I've done an injection I've passed out shortly after.

>>44411074
I admire your courage, please don't get sepsis

>>44411523
Appreciate the sentiment but it wasn't courage that drove me to do this, quite the opposite. Regardless I really hope I don't end up getting sepsis or something else, having to explain to the hospital why my balls are rotting from the inside out isn't on my priority list.

>>44411027
Still no true reppers :/

>>44411752
Mispelled "trve" but yeah it's a shame.
TRUE REPPERS PLEASE SPEAK UP AND REPRESENT YOURSELVES.

>>44405438
I have injected 5ml more alcohol into my balls, by far the most painful injection so far. Should buy some otc codeine pills, although I doubt it'll help much with the pain.

:(

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I wanna be a cute anime girl

i want to be happy

>>44395290
Hello

Does adderall get you gooning for 24 hours straight?

>>44412222
We aren't allowed to be happy

>>44412255
why not

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I had a dream last night where I finally lost my virginity to my highschool boyfriend and he came inside my while holding my hand

>>44412231
No, but meth got me to 10+ hours of gooning.

>>44412261
Because we will never be women

>>44412297
why not!!!

>>44412298
I didn't make the rules sorry

Even if I became a woman I still wouldn't be a woman.

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I'm an anime girl on the inside

>>44412231
A friend of mine died from that. It did work though

Be honest if you were born a girl you would have just been a depressed shut in who plays BL games all day.

>>44412358
that sounds nice

>>44412358
I can't be born a girl because my essence is male. It's not even metaphysically possible for me to be a girl.

>>44412358
sure, but a depressed shut in who have a womans body

>>44412358
I would probably be an ftm
>>44412365
Yeah being a female shut in sounds infinitely nicer than being any type of man

make me into a girl now

*snap*
now the process will take a long time if you don't supplement with girl juice

When we die we become anime girls, but ONLY trve reppers do, HRT fake reppers go to the pit of hairy bald men.

>See basic MSpaint doodle of a cute girl
>think "god I wish that were me"

It's not just over...it's something far worse

I wonder, how difficult would it actually be to remove my balls surgically myself. If I bought a scalpel, and some local anesthetic it would probably be doable.

>>44413606
There was someone that did it and posted about it in /lgbt.
It's complicated to safely.

>Horrible shoulder pain probably from a tear, can't use my right arm much
>Hear voices telling me I need to kill myself or that I should attack my family all day
>Dysphoric
>poor
>NEET
>anhedonia

not sure what 2 do really. i wish I had a community of losers to hang out with. i feel too weird talking to other troons because they're all like
>oh btw my cs degree
>oh btw my job
>oh btw my whatever

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>>44383417
Shrooms are not that dangerous but the one time I took them I had a horrifically bad trip. If you feel like you have demons that you might not wanna unleash with psychedelics, trust that feeling.

please

>>44383417
Taking shrooms when I was 19 made the troon thoughts undeniable I hadn't cut my hair in a year at that point and realized that I felt beautiful for the first time

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>>44412371
this is the real answer. what are we? genes (or at least the expression of them). to swap our fathers' Y chromosomes for their Xs would change us on fundamental levels beyond mere birth sex, e.g. personality, base appearance, whatever. we would be as different from our "female self" than any ordinary person would be from their brother or sister, and at that point, that's not you anymore but a different person entirely. the only hope we had to be literally be our female self was for our SRY genes to be broken with everything else unchanged.

sup guys ive been repping (detrooned) for well over a month now and am now transitioning to just 100% not trans at all. it was just a weird hrt phase. i'm not even a repper. it was nice knowing you all glhf

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>>44414179
i try to not think about it too hard

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>>44383168
Stay strong, repbros!

let me out

what the fuck is it called when you can clearly see your ribs even on your chest and also your pelvis but youre still paunchy
its not skinnyfat wtf is it

>>44414434
I like this glegle

>>44402185
You should fix that mess of a body with diet and exercise. Spend some time away from cartoons and porn and rediscover what it is to be human again.
Maybe go play catch with your dad

>>44412231
No but it did make my insomnia much worse and generally worsened my neuroticism.

>>44414452
you may be dying (we're all dying)

>>44404275
you cant take testosterone and just be a cis man, instead of an FTM.

>>44412371
this

I need more ropefuel

if it wasn't for my family I could've been on HRT for at least 4 years already

>>44414434
reminder: https://strawpoll.gg/poll/what-type-of-repper-are-you

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anyone else deeply wish they were a woman in the present, but had little to no signs even by your own admission in your youth? i can only think of two things in my own experience that can even remotely connect:
>never liked having body hair, even as a kid when all i had was my gross hairy legs and armpits
>didn't much like getting haircuts, though i can't tell if it was because i outright wanted long hair or simply because it was always forced
that's it. everything else about me reads "GENERIC AUTISTIC MALE" in bright neon lights. i never felt much desire to be more of a man as a kid, sure, but i don't recall really wishing to be a girl, either; i just didn't care and got on with it until the past few years. maybe ROGD isn't such a quack theory as many troons say it is?

>>44414868
which one is for repping against my will

>>44415043
Trve repper, probably should have put an option for forcerepped as well

>>44414984
we're all smooth long haired booby men
basically women

>>44414984
I did want to be a man, then I found out what it actually entails

>>44414984
>Anonymous
>>44414984

i have no advice or shit but couldnt relate more desu

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>>44411027
>>44414868
oh come on, this shit is just pathetic

>>44388909
>>44385892
nah made me feel bad because just buying her food was such a pressure every month on account of being a neet and she made such a ruckus about going out like she hated everything and died because of it not even quickly just came back brutally injured
think i just want an animal who comes and goes but i'm not responsible for it

>>44402287
pureria mirifica

Only a few weeks ago I was thinking that I would have liked my male appearance with only a few slight modifications but now I just wish I were cute again because I realize those changes would have just been the ones that made me more feminine. I feel like all the tranny thoughts are just cope for being a lonely loser khhv in the form of some kind of twisted puer aeternus escapism because my life is devoid of enjoyment and affection.
In a perfect world I could take estrogen and keep my penis normally functioning and intact and maybe even go for ffs. I don't even think I want breasts either but I would opt for them if they wouldn't prevent me from being loved despite being the ugly disgusting man that I am and would be. I'm the furthest thing from trutrans but the constant thought of this is like some kind of inescapable and recurring psychic rape

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>>44415930
>I was thinking that I would have liked my male appearance with only a few slight modifications but now I just wish I were cute again because I realize those changes would have just been the ones that made me more feminine.
basically my journey down the looksmaxxing pipeline to here. i noticed eventually that i only seemed to want to look like an androgynous pretty boy type, and then eventually it clicked what I really thought was "wrong with my face".

>>44415136
This

>>44417392
Do you feel any kind of rejection towards your genitals or chest or is it a facial jealousy exclusively?

>>44415306
the poll got posted on the board as it's own thread, obvious rampant manmoder election fraud

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>>44415930
I can relate. It's hard to tell if the dislike for being taller, hairier, beefier, manlier etc is just a general dislike for maturing or genuine dysphoria. i can tell myself "I'd be okay with being an old grandma, but not an old grandpa" but is that true? or has the tranny cognitohazard infected my brain and now I'm thinking up excuses? in the end, i'm gonna keep coming here despite not doing anything about it.

next week i WILL be getting an appointment and i WILL be told i need to get bloodwork done and i WILL have to wait another 2-3 weeks before i get any hrt as a result and i WILL get killed by the uber driver on the way to the tranny clinic once everything is ready

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_2bUkKeCUg

people in real life don't like it when you tell them that your options are either transitioning or killing yourself, right

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The more I think about it the more I know that I'm definitely not a tranny

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>>44415306
Trve reppers stay winning, honestly I am surprised at how few detroon reppers there are.

reppers pinkpilling reppers

>>44419021
Honestly the only pinkpillers I'd really listen to, I think we repress for good reasons mostly. So if a repper were to question my motives, I'd take it to heart.

>>44418386
If the grandma shit's already going through your mind you'll never shake it, the mind virus is real and it's like a psychological rabies.
>in the end, i'm gonna keep coming here despite not doing anything about it
Yeah, I really thought I had it repressed for a bit but it was inevitable that I'd end up back here. I almost wish it was just TOCD or some stupid shit like that. Easier than admitting I shoved away my desires back when acting upon them would have actually been able to positively affect my life