The thread formerly known as vent.Why Are We Still Here? EditionA thread to vent, have someone to talk to, commiserate, or just post into the void.A few things to remember:>If you think you know anon, but dont have decisive evidence, no, you probably don't.>We are all grieving in our own way. Please respect how people process their emotions.>Nobody here is your psychiatrist, therapist, doctor, or lawyer.Previous thread: >>44570112
I threw out a coffee cup left on a bench that I'm now almost certainly belonged to someone inside the store. fml
>>44609376sometimes i think my therapist was right when she told me i'll end up turning to prostitution if i trooned out. it hasn't happened yet but sometimes i feel it might be the only option>Why Are We Still Here? i don't even know
I'm really struggling to reenage socially after a few months of (mostly) voluntary isolation. I feel physically weaker than I was and less equipped mentally. I can feel myself withering on the vine. I was recently watered by something, so maybe I can make it out.
>>44609527I'm dumb and posted right after the new thread was made, so whatever
BUT IM A CREEEEEEEEEPIM A WEIRDOOOOOOOOO
I’ve wanted to be dead for most of my life but I’m only sticking around because it would make my family sad if I kys’d. I saw an Insta reel today of a family holding a birthday party for a deceased family member and I know that mine would do the same if I followed through on my plans.
i want to cut myself
>>44609376i don't know if im depressed at the moment but if i don't unfuck my shit before my PhD program kicks into high gear it's over for me.
i still want to cut myself
>>44610355i was just in the process of doing it when my roommate walked in on me and led me to bed, i could only weep
>>44610628does having someone make you feel better? also i didnt cut myself but i do still feel bad
>>44610665no, it doesn't she's my one and only friend and while i love her and appreciate her, her presence does not solve any of the causes why i wanna die or self harm, in truth she may actually just make it worsenot a day passes where i don't wish i never moved in with her, everything would've been better in the long run, but yet here i am and i cannot leave, not that I'd wanna leave her behind anyway.
>>44609490that feels like an insane thing for a therapist to say. what brought it on? had you previously talked about prostitution or something?
>>44610804>in truth she may actually just make it worsecan you tell me more?
My mom was always hateful and mean and insane, which is why I don’t want to be like that.
>>44610822well not at all. that day i wanted to talk about how dysphoria was making me feel but she tried to change the subject to scare me (i think that was the case i'm not really sure tho) and she proceeded to tell me about one of her former patients who was trans too but forced herself to live as a man in this country due to the highly transphobic environment here and how this patient occasionally went to the US only to work as a sex worker and it was only there that she presented herself as a woman (and as a not so fun fact she told me all of that after telling me that if i transitioned no lesbian or straight man would ever love me or date me because of my identity). as i said before she probably only mentioned it to try to scare me but it also made me think about how unsafe being trans is where i live. i mean, a huge amount of trans women in my country have to turn to prostitution to make money and medical support for trans people in general here is usually just to treat STDs so it kinda makes sense that she mentioned it
im losing weight but im still 200 pounds and look like shit. no matter what i do in life im stuck here. all im clinging to atp is the number going down on my scale and trying to get my driver's license
>>44610928before y'all ask: no. i don't even go to therapy anymore. i haven't seen that therapist in a long time. i'm already forced to manmode due to stuff like my family and also my huge fear of discrimination so sex work may not be a good option for me in the first place (i mean, who would like to have sex with a trans "woman" who looks more like a bear), and personally prostitution terrifies me a lot. i don't want to be forced to do anything with people i do not know regardless of their gender
It's just not fair! It's so not fair! This is gonna sound fucked up but I saw a girl this morning, like.. a kid.. and I got so bitter and angry about it. This anonymous kid gets to go ahead and live a whole life of normalcy and amazing experiences just because her body is right and the right hormones are gonna trigger for her. And i'm just a beast, broken and wrong from the start.So that's what I am now? A bitter person, angry at children? Did it finally break me? Why should I care if it did? Life was rigged from the start to drive me towards an empty blackness and become the monster I feel I am inside. Why can't I just let that happen? If no peace will be offered to me atleast let me find peace in my own reprehensible monstrosity.Fuck biology, fuck luck, fuck this stupid goddamn thing in my brain that screams at me about how wrong my body feels. I know it does! Leave me alone, let me forget for a day or two.. please..
Facing the demon in my soul. I gave it a name, a long time ago. Martel. A conceptualization of everything wrong with me. The obsession. The fear. The manipulation. The cowardice. The lies. So many fucking lies. I wish it were a different person so I could blame it, but that would just be shirking my responsibility as a whole person. I will smother that liar within me with truth. I cannot let it harm anyone ever again.>>44609992Please be careful...>relating to my postsMy situation isnt super unique, frankly. I did something stupid and regretful, got caught out doing it, lost the trust of someone very important to me, now Im doing everything I can to calm the storm in my heart caused by the sudden hole in my life. Thankfully I have two good things going for me: person in question still wants to be friends again eventually, and another close friend of mine suddenly stepped in and became a fucking shining light in the dark.Dont know if Ill be fine in the long run. All of my plans to unfuck my life are in ruin. But Ill survive week by week at least.
Just awoke from the worst nightmare I've had in years that consisted of having to run through an endless psychedelic obstacle course designed for the sole intent to torture and humiliate people through various ways with zero way to escape. Not really that noteworthy just felt like sharing.
>>44610946i get it lol i'm stalling between 185 -190 currently. was originally aiming for 160-170 by the end of the year, that's probably not happening. i have been working out and eating lots of protein so my body composition is changing like i look a bit more toned for sure but my weight isn't moving. i'm not extremely unhappy with my body or anything but i do want to lose some stubborn fat ideally.
the only sexual interactions i've had with other people has been exclusively digital, just words on a screen, for over a year. we're approaching incel status yet again....
>>44611816I haven't had sex in 4 years. It sucks bro, but I can't do casual sex while being a tranny in a small town.
>>44611833i live in a city but unfortunately it's conservative as hell and i don't have a way out of here right now. it sucks shit....
I have to quit weed for a month for my new job and im only on day 2 and i hate how dependent I am on it. I already slept like shit but now it's worse. I get frustrated more easily. I'm ripping my nic vape like a fiend. I can't even eat as much as usual lol. aside from the job the only benefit of quitting so far is that my libido is climbing back up again it feels like, it never crashed down to like ace levels but it was getting close for a bit before I started boofing my prog before bed. Now I just want to jump my gf's bones but i'm working graveyard until I start my new job and she works days so we really havent had any opportunities to fuck in a couple weeks. I hate it here lmao but the new job will be worth it. trustalso not smoking weed makes me wanna drink again and im not okay with that feeling
I'm a fucking pussy who was to scared to start HRT when I was young and now I'm fucked
>>44610832i don't particularly get why you sound so interested but if you want we can talk more on discord or smth
i wanna cut myself so badly but i promised my girlfriend i would be better so im just lying in my bed imagining myself cutting to feel better.god i should be put down what the fuck is wrong with me?
I lost like 20lbs this year and i feel like a skeleton. I worked really hard to gain weight and now I'm just a physical husk. It's slowly getting better but it's tough work. I'm worried there's something physically wrong with me that is causing this but I can't pinpoint what.
why the fuck are people staring at mei hate this not knowing thing. like they have been staring at me before my non-existent tits were this not-size so that is not it. and i was wearing 3 layers. is it really just that i am not walking around with a hunchback and i notice bc im looking up?? im not even goth like i used to be wtf. i literally wear the most normie blend in jeans and tshirt possible. is it bc im(very) tall? i dont get it i think i look pretty regular. like the only possibility is that im really attractive but i dont think in like a conventional way and im kinda joking when i say that i wish i knew someone well enough and also saw them often enough i could ask
>>44610114>I’ve wanted to be dead for most of my lifesame but wanting to be dead and doing it yourself are two different things
>>44612131it's just such a hassle. i used to imagine what would happen after i died and have a panic attack thinking I'd leave a mess or that the thought of thinking of it at all was narcissistic to the degree of felony
>>44609376I have unlimited rage against my enemies and sometimes I feel it consuming me. My only solace is Im not alone, merely powerless to stop the nature of injustice within my lifetimehttps://youtu.be/yA5lujNlkn8
I hate being sober, my mind is always foggy and my feelings hurt too much. It hurts to say but it was one of the reasons I came to this shithole, it was supposed to be just one year and I would get all the drugs I'd want, got my first batch but after three months never got anything again, months became years and I still wasn't able to leave, not that I wanted to, I love what I am doing which makes me feel guilty about being a drugaddict but why can't I have both? I mean, at some point I was able to get high again but my time is metered so I can't do it for long.There's a chance in the future to change this situation but then I'd have less time and I wouldn't wanna lose this potential job, fuck this gay earth.
kill mehttps://vocaroo com/1kshUde1tBX9
It feels like a sickness has been rampaging out of control in me for months. Im so tired, all the time. Sleeping more and more. Every day this month I think Ive slept til midday or later and woken up tired. Even simple tasks are exhausting and require rest afterwards. I always feel a little short of breath and my chest begins to hurt a bit with the slightest provocation. I feel worthless as fuck and Im slowly letting my family down. Why cant I be strong Why cant I be strong Why cant I be strong Why cant I be strong Why cant I be strong Why cant I be strong
>>44613288The chest hurting is the most concerning part. I dont talk about it much but I suffered some kind of issue with my cardiovascular system as a kid. I was shamed a lot about it by my mother and when I finally went to the ER as an adult over it, I was told it was just panic attacks. Panic attacks! Pheh! Ive lived almost every day since I was a teen with the idea that my heart might just stop lurking in the back of my mind. It's caused me to do so many reckless things with my life. I guess because my mom lived with her own death sentence (PKD & Factor V Lieden) I somehow internalized that I must have my own. But now it feels like its coming back to haunt me.I need to talk to my doc. Realistically, logically, I know I have Marfan's Syndrome, which can impact the heart. My youngest daughter was born with a hole in her heart, which makes me wonder if something genetic is going on. Im scared of the medical cost of getting it investigated tho. Maybe Ill just keep pushing til the ticker gives out for good.
i cant even talk to people anymore. it's too hard to think about what they want me to say and how. it takes hours to come up with a couple sentences in response, and even then i still get it wrong. i want to be around people, but now i'm stopping myself before anything wrong happens out of fear i'll eventually be rejected or ghosted
i love being a neverpasser i love being a neverpasser i love knowing im never going to look different yay this life so much fun i love being a neverpasser im totally okay with this and i can cope
