>>45070542
this image gives me a tight feeling in my chest

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>>45070579
that's why we're here

you were right when you said we were better as friends

When I was a child, I thought people were good or evil, simple as. Then as I grew, I started to think, it's really not as simple as that, there's a lot of gray areas, people have troubled upbringings and struggle with their demons and so on.

Then I met someone, and I now realize that the child me was right, nothing gray about this nigger, just pure evil. Fuck you.

does anyone else think there's something like hell? the thought of it is the only thing that keeps me alive
i don't want to live but i don't want to die
shrodinger's tranny or something i don't know
i hate the fact i use this fucking blogpost general but i feel extra pathetic today after ruining my cousin's birthday
i think i just have to run away and starve myself to death

Looked into immigration laws to get an idea of what closing the gap for my LDR will look like and I genuinely might be cooked. I cant imagine meeting some of these requirements reasonably, and I dont want to bring her to my shithole country. :[ Im hoping its not as bad as what I think or maybe some alternative can be worked out. I dont want to be apart forever...

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You know how much it triggers me when I'm being yelled at. I get it, tensions were high, you got overwhelmed, you yelled, that's whatever, I'm not mad about that.
What I'm mad about is that you refuse to take responsibility and accountability about it. An apology for raising your voice would do so much for me right now, but I know I won't get that. And it hurts. It hurts so fucking much.
I hate being so codependant, I wish I could excise you from my life like the tumor you genuinely are.

I wasted my entire youth. It's gone. I can never get it back. I will be old for the rest of my life.

>>45071472
well you can enjoy middle age i guess. I also 'wasted' my youth, but in hindsight it could have been worse. idk about you, but I'm glad I didn't kms when I was 14

>>45071562
there's nothing to enjoy

>>45071575
how old are you?

>>45071788
28

>>45071923
bruh if that's middle age then I have 1.5 years until I kms. you're FINE CHILL GO OUTSIDE.

>>45071931
I will be 30 soon. Don't lie to me that 30 is still young

>>45071959
you could start a degree now and finish by 32

>>45071979
I'm OLD. My life is OVER.

>>45071923
youth is wasted on the young

>>45072077
Don't rub it in

>>45072090
you are like little baby to me

had another nightmare about you last night. they're getting further apart though.

how the fuck is suicide not way more common

>>45072231
among trannies or just in general

I'm so tired

What is the best non suicide step to radically change your life so you don't go insane?

>>45072474
move to a new place, probably. wouldn't fix your mental problems but it'd be enriching and you might enjoy the new experiences

>>45072512
I put off doing this for a long time because I was afraid of uprooting everything I know, but now I think that might be for the best.

i’m never really actually going to be a woman i’m always going to be different no matter what and nothing can change that
i’m never gonna be able to experience growing up as a girl i don’t know how i haven’t killed mysekf already

it’s so unfair its so unfair it’s so unfair real girls get to be born like that idint see what benefit there is to staying alive and having to do all this work and pay all this money to be an ugly imitation

I should kill myself

I wish she were here in bed with me so badly but I know it would still just be prolonging the inevitable and hurting us both more in the long run

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I wish i was one of those people who got sad and started crying when bad things happen instead of getting pissed off and yelling at people I love. anger turns u rotten as time goes on and I never wanted to be the type of person people think of as an asshole. i wanna be that sweet friend who's nice to everyone but life keeps fucking me over and i just keep getting mad instead of crying like a normal person.

how hard is it to just be a good person istg

i'm so fucking depressed because my boyfriend doesn't rail me every day, maybe once or twice a year and masturbating all day doesn't do shit, it doesn't make me feel good or better afterwards because i need the feeling of being owned and destroyed to release the euphoric chemicals in my brain, fucking hate my life so much why is my boyfriend a fucking no libido asshole it pisses me off, i'm going to fucking starve myself and just sleep all day, i fucking hate my life

>>45072581
what is the inevitable in this situation where you don't have her in your bed regularly?
>>45072595
anger is one of those things a lot of people struggle with as they're growing up. it comes with time.

>>45072231
the wiki page on suicides list countries at war and nightmare mode spawn points (africa) with the hightest suicide rates, so for the rests of the world is the lack of easy access to guns that makes killing yourself a hassle!

I want to move out of my mom's house again but I'm jobless and she's jobless too, so when I get the shit paying job it'll all go into supporting her
to be honest I don't want to, I don't want to spend another day surrounded by people that talk behind your back like this and know you from way years back, I pretend it doesn't affect me but I feel stuck, I'm stuck

>>45072728
so gun availability would int theory correlate with a more self correcting/ eugenicist population? extremely based i love american laws now. i wish i wasnt a coward and offed myself at 14

>>45072705
the inevitable is us not working out and hurting each other and splitting up again anyway
but she's not in my bed anymore and she isn't going to be, so it doesn't matter I'm just whining about something I want that I can't have

>>45072705
>what is the inevitable in this situation
maybe I missed your point
the other inevitability I fear isn't possible going forward, so I don't know she moves on and I just stay lonely I guess both ways suck

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didnt know where else to post this but i made this

>>45075105
mogs me

It physically hurts that she's ghosting me now that she's seen my picture

when i am sad life cannot end soon enough and when i am happy there is a feeling of dread that one day, assuming i reach consistent peace and happiness, happiness will end forever when death comes. the pendulum swings between darkness and false light. i am told i ruminate too much but my brain does that on its own. often i am told that i am depressed and that my actions are caused by being hurt in the past with a tone of finality, like these are somehow things i havent recognized about myself, and what saddens me most is not that i am being insulted but that the people who go through similar things and have come out the other side, wherever they are, tend not to come back and help those going through similar valleys of doubt and disease. everyone sees that there is something wrong with me but no one is willing to teach me the right lessons to fix me, even though they act like they know precisely how to do so. i wish it was still just adolescent angst but in truth it is so much more horrifying and beyond what most should ever be expected to relate to

I hate my life so much..

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>>45070542
I just want someone to move in with me and build a life together where we renovate our little old house, but I don’t want to take any of the steps to actually meet someone
Can someone just show up to my house
I want a wife/husband so badly but I don’t wanna date

i have nothing to live for anymore. i wanted to be an artist or singer but i wasted my 20s. i cant even bring myself to creative anymore or i immediately panic and cry. my ideas suck and im mediocre. i dont even get pleasure in the things i used to love anymore. i might kill myself soon. i hope my girlfriend finds someone else

>>45078184
This is exactly what an artist should feel, anon, channel that pain

>>45071127
I feel this.

>>45078396
Its genuinely painful. Even tho moving in together is years off, Ive already started considering learning their language now, changing my life goals so I can meet immigration requirements, etc years ahead of time... its scary but what else can I do?

feels like i keep making "friends" with unlovable autists. maybe im not so different but im just trying to find people with similar tastes and end up getting only the bottom of the barrel

latest one i started hanging out with got called a stalking pedo by an anoymous person starting a rumor but after knowing him for a few months i suspect he just gave off the wrong vibes just for being autistic. i feel like a terrible person for thinking deep down i might get even fewer chances of meeting other people for hanging out with someone like this

i got back into cutting. wish i didn't but i can't afford alcohol right now. the problem is my legs don't bleed very much and i'm trying to avoid my arms. so frustrating.

>>45078184
>>45078217
I'm in the same boat but I'm so repressed nothing comes out. I'm unironically considering trying LSD to clear that mental blockage.

I don't long for me ex anymore. I kinda hate her guts now for keeping me so long in a relationship which wasn't entirely one-sided but it was skewed.
I'm thankful I have less nostalgic memories about her which clashed with the knowledge I won't ever experience things like that with her.
Now I just long for having a relationship with someone and doing cutesy couple things.
I know I should avoid BPDs but every tranny has some kind of mental illness and I'm just too attracted to trannies.

>>45071457
I don't get how people can't fathom to apologize for that especially when they see how it hurt you.

The first time I raised my voice at my ex after a few months of relationship while she was basically ragebaiting she got really mad and depressed. I apologized immediately and tried to lighten the situation but she was mad that I had the possibility to do that and said something like "I was guessing when you'd scream at me like you do at your mother" or smth.
I didn't even scream, I just raised my voice on VC baka.

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I'm completely emotionally incompatible with my boyfriend but I have to stay with him for three more months. would like it to just be over with

I don't know what's more pathetic
The fact that you apologized with half a chocolate bar that had a "my bad" printed on the package
Or the fact that it worked

>>45078903
brb trying this on my unrequited love

>>45078887
do you really need to? 3 months is a lot of your life when you think about it

>>45079304
flight plans for Christmas. ticket was exorbitant

>>45079314
sure. but are you going to enjoy it anyway? it's sunk cost past a certain point. maybe they'd be hurt by the delay too.

>>45079314
its like 2 months away, can't you get a refund?

>>45079353
probably 8ll enjoy it enough to trick me into thinking it's worth the other 92% of the time
>>45079362
lol. no

>been buying a bunch of books
>too restless to read them
i feel like a poser even if I'm not posturing to anyone.

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>>45079527
I bought a couple yesterday myself. what'd you get?

>>45079527
this but with the sakura cardcadtor manga, idga shit about sakura I just bought it because it looked cute

>>45079543
wow, much more well read than I am. the two books on the far right are more my style, though I am curious about the left stack.

My city has a bunch of those 'free library' things around my place, so I've just been taking whatever books seem interesting enough to read. I got a book of essays by Jung and Timeline by Michael Crichton. I read Timeline in highschool and remember enjoying it

I'm not gonna make it I'm never gonna make it

I have really bad anxiety around being 'a good person' due to my very religious upbringing, despite not being religious, but I do also think I am genuinely a bad person more often than is acceptable as 'normal',so I want to shoot myself in the head (i can't do this because it'd be irritating for everyone else to deal with so I just have to stay alive until I die :/ )

I should be shot for wasting 5 years repping

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>always wished a boyfriend would drop out of the sky
>longtime friend and I realize our feelings for each other
>instantly scared and confused and completely unready
>reject him
God gives his greatest gifts to his most ungrateful. I know I'm a piece of shit and I continue apologize to him and he says its okay but I know its not. Now there is a strange somber air around our friendship and I can't do anything about it.

i am going to freak the fuck out i havent hung out with friends in years. i keep dreaming at day and at night about my old highschool friends and how much fun i had doing stupid shit with them. but they're gone. and everyone else is gone. i am too much of a freak to have friends again i hate this world. i keep just taking drugs to cope but then i vomit my guts out and it truly doesn't help at all. i dont want to die but it's not easy to want to live when all i have to look forward to is a life of loneliness

>>45080867
that's awful, what happened to them

>>45080931
one friend dated another friend's ex then they all became paranoid drama whores trying to get me to choose between them and then one by one stopped talking to me

>>45080939
oh... well you're right, you can't live like this. talk to people. establish rapport n shit

>>45080950
how do you talk to strangers comfortably enough to get them interested in you ? it's been so long

>>45080957
idk, I'm socially anxious as fuck but only after the fact, mid conversation I feel nothing. so I can't really give advice except remember people don't actually automatically dislike you lol

>>45080968
thank you that helps actually

>>45080979
I thought I was fucking useless but ok cool

Not nearly as bad as anything else posted here but I need to shout in to the void for a second
What the fuck is wrong with people who accept your friend request on discord only to never even say anything? Do you expect me to check every 5 fucking minutes if you've accepted? Just say fucking hi at the bare minimum

>>45081588
normally it gives you a notification

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I don't want to be a foid. But the dysphoria went away so quickly when I started HRT.

I look more like a foid every day. And I kinda got boobs now. So I guess I'm gonna be a foid.

>>45081588
idk I think that's up to the person who made the request unless I know them from somewhere
90% of random discord adds go like this for me
>hi
>hi
>how are you
>good, you?
>good
>*conversation dies forever*
YOU ADDED ME YOU IDIOT AT LEAST TELL ME WHY OR FROM WHERE

>>45081588
tbqh if you sent the friend request its your responsibility to follow up on it or you can rot on my friend list in silence if you dont say anything, why would I care

>>45081831
It would be great if discord worked
>>45082884
>>45082968
I've already made the first move by adding them and introducing myself in the request, what is so hard about letting me know you've accepted and that you're interested in talking? Conversations are a back and forth

>>45083030
I don't care. Feel free to remove yourself if you are in my list waiting for me to say something to you.

>>45083042
>she thinks it's about her
I wouldn't want to talk to an entitled cunt like you anyway

>>45083057
It's called a hypothetical but I wouldn't expect an illiterate monkey to understand what that means.

>>45083071
Retarded and a cunt, pick a struggle

>>45083114
You are the one who can't figure out the discord message box here bro

>>45083126
Retarded and a cunt, pick a struggle

>have very gradual male pattern hair loss
>start on finasteride and minoxidil
>for years, hairline still receding and slowly giving me a bigger 5head
>begin HRT and injectable estrogen valerate
>keep losing the same rate of hair, even though testosterone labs show it's decreasing pretty far below male levels
>recently start on spiro to lower testosterone even more
>a couple weeks in and MORE hair is starting to fall out than usual
>keep praying it's just temporary or some telogen bullcrap
>crying in the shower every morning
I don't know what to do...I'm just very sad :( very very sad

>make friends on the internet
>no problem seeing me as a woman if I send them a pic to ask how I look before I go out with my girlfriend
>finally get into a voice call to play vidya games
>they instantly start gendering me male
Actually killing myself voice training is the worst fucking thing imaginable

yeah

I wish I could stop myself from falling for people so quickly

>>45084928
same, it's hell
and it's never with people who are good for me

>>45084944
Yeah I've attracted some of the worst kind of people which made me want real love even more which makes everything even worse
I'm hoping my rational, therapised side can stay at the forefront

Publicly honmoded for the first time, but it was at a Haloween event where it was dark and some people were wearing costumes, so it doesn't count.

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I recently came across an attachment style I never knew existed - Dismissive Avoidant. You had this, didn't you? I look back on so many of our interactions and see how closely you resemble the effects.

A strong sense of self-independence, shutting down in tense situations, pulling away when I wanted to talk with you more throughout the day. So many origins match your profile: a horrid childhood, neglect, peers dismissing your emotions when you needed them most.

I'm sorry for closing in on you when you pulled away. When I messaged you more from the silence, begged for you in the quiet. I didn't realize that this desire for space was so intense. I wasn't aware of how much it meant to you. I projected my own definition of 'space' instead, and misunderstood. I'm sorry for overwhelming you. I didn't know.

Funnily, I recognize that I'm Anxious Attachment. The hypervigilance of people abandoning me has manifested into an intense desire for your affection, a lack of self-esteem, a ferocity in noticing your distances. It's why I came so close to you.

And now I can see how our combination of attachments could lead you to feeling so overwhelmingly distressed by me. I'm sorry.

It's unfortunate that either of our loves require so much emotional intelligence and know-hows on how to navigate. So much observation, so much preparation, so much introspection, so much sorrow and silence - the pain dealt to us, we have to heal on our own. The love we simply want, made so much more complicated.

But that's simply the reality, I suppose. Complications are never something we ask for, but a symptom of the scars that are permanently a part of us.

A month later, and I still dream of you.

Whether there is a try again, I know more about myself and how to better navigate my own complications. It's how I love you.

In the very least, I hope one day to see you smile again.

had a nightmare so painful that i woke up and immediately started hallucinating. that's new and scary.

well that's it, I'm completely alone again

If I were ugly and normal it'd be fine but I'm a transgender ugly freak instead

I just don't have it in me anymore to try
you get your way
you win

im so horny and lonely and i crave intimacy so much but im too scared to download grindr
either i get murdered or everyone finds out im a faggot
at this point im not even seeking sex as carnal pleasure its just a validation of my appearance
another (preferably older) man fucking me would reassure me that im not that ugly and if he called me cute maybe that would fix me

im always scared of everything but i want to be validated so badly nggggghhhh i just need one hookup just one man and itll be fine

>>45085088
deeply sweet anon. it's nice to know that there are people out there who might understand someone like me (though obvi you arent talking about *me*), and that I don't mean it maliciously.

>>45085317
I will add, as someone who likely has avoidant attachment, it absolutely can get better. Don't lose hope that your bae could return more healed than before. It's nice to see someone treat avoidants with compassion instead of scorn as I often see online.

>>45085088
this hurts to read
t. anxious attached clinger and ruiner of relationships

I'm not a person, I'm a disgusting approximation of a person, I'm a gross, stumbling creature pretending to be a person, I don't fit in as a man or as a woman or as transgender I can't be loved and I can't love, I don't belong anywhere, it hurts being alone but somehow I know I deserve it I'm a disgusting half human and I will never be a full person

>>45086470
don't feel too bad, "people" tend to kind of suck

I want you to grow the fuck up and apologize, and until then I'm going to do my best to ignore you

>>45086470
I often feel this way too, almost like I'm not ensouled or whatever. I went on a loooooooong walk today, saw some birds, looked at the trees, their pretty leaves, and it went away for a while. I know that's generic af but it's true. Sometimes you do just have to distract yourself in a way that isn't actively destructive.

>>45087299
apologize for what? would they know?

>>45087403
lol

>>45087420
you're not laughing out loud!

>>45087429
I am now

>>45087435
LOUDER! LAUGH FOR ME! MY ANGEL OF HUMOR!!!!

>>45087472
you killed it

>>45087492
let the record show that was a different anon

>>45087492
I know :/ I'm trying too hard.

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About to just go to Seattle and join the first puppygirl polycule that'll accept me so I can have some sort of physical affection again. I've been debilitatingly lonely lately. I just want to be touched and hopefully loved or at least cared for in some way. My existence is almost entirely online and even when I have connections, it feels so isolating sometimes

I want you to beg for me so I can say no but I'm terrified that I would do literally anything you asked, at any cost or degree of self-denigration, so please don't reach out again and just let this be the end

happy birthday to me, i guess! it's honestly just a day to me where people call me more and i'm forced to be around my parents. i'm 21 now so the fact that i have achieved nothing i wanted to means i've officially wasted 1/4th of my life if i'm being generous? is it acceptable to die now considering i'll never be a woman?

>>45087669
>I want you to beg for me so I can say no
do you ever wonder if this kind of thinking belies a maladaptive pattern of behavior that you might need to heal to have healthy relationships in the future

>>45087766
wow, no way, you think? that's crazy

i want more friends but everyone fucking sucks at carrying a conversation

I got involved with a girl who’s honestly too much for me and I fucking hate it I wish I wasn’t already mentally invested in her. She’s just too much I can’t deal with these polyamorous fucks everybody type bitches. She doesn’t even treat me that well dating wise, she’s just pretty and has a personality that I really click with which is rare. I feel like I deserve better to be honest

I don't think I was born evil. So what changed? Am I evil? Or am I simply temporarily acting as such?

>>45088175
Evil is a very strong word. What have you done that makes you think you're evil?

>>45088198
I don't know. I often feel evil. I think it's the result of my upbringing. Not to go off, but very religious + a family history of OCD makes you go insane. Not like actually schizo, but you FEEL schizo, and you're TERRIFIED of BECOMING schizo so you have to check yourself. It's all a farce of course. It only gets easier by not giving in AND working to do good.

>>45088263
It's almost all relationship based. I believe I am a burden to others, annoying, just generally unpleasant to be around or to be alive. I don't wish to carry on like that, so I am changing it, bit by bit. I always have been, it's just uhhhh.... I'm a bit bad at it so far.

Can't help but feel nothing is going to work out for me. It's like I spent all this time building the best rocket I could, a damn good rocket, only to learn that every planet is dead.

And what a monument it will be.

i hate being bisexual and still feeling the need to lie about pronouns even on the internet

>>45070542
whyd you have me come over and cuddle with you like that? whatever, I get you're lonely.. you broke up with me though??? bit odd don't you think? idk. better than you just going to fuck another random guy or tranny i suppose.

>get on hrt after years of tranny thoughts
>feel good about it
>friends who know start saying stuff like "can't you just do x y or z instead of taking pills?"
>bf says he's worried and that I should go to a doctor instead of DIY
>don't want to tell my GP about my deepest insecurities
>don't want to spend over a year on a waiting list
>don't want to go through my country's healthcare system humiliation ritual just to get hondosed
>start feeling guilty
>start doubting again
>start thinking I can't handle all of this
>consider stopping altogether when my pills run out just to get people to stop making me feel sad
>know that stopping will make me sad too and that I'll probably start again anyway
;_;
I know you're going to say "dump your bf lol" but he does want to support me he just doesn't understand. I just wish that someone had my back so I could feel more secure about this whole thing. It feels like I'm all alone. maybe I should find a support group or something

>>45071457
just leave then

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>>45087656
you should find inner peace by learning to accept loneliness periods in between partners instead of being poly

>>45090136
you probably shouldn't be trying to give advice on things like that

>>45090073
You don't seem to understand codependency

wow i guess i can post lets see how long this lasts.

ive had a crush on this girl for like a year, more really, and i think she might like me back but its gonna stay as one of those will they wont they anime situations bc im a coward and shes eeven more demure than me. but i think i overheard someone making fun of her about not talking to me, again. i just cant be sure.

i think we are both pretending not to like eachother super hard. ive been worried that by intentionally looking away from her so that i wont blush or stare when walking by is making her think i dont like her but shes doing the same thing!

i thought for awhile that she was avoiding my area cause im a scary intimidating moid and especially after she walked by and i walked into a wall i was like oh she noticed and thinks im a creep and doesnt want to be near me. but like i think shes actively avoiding me for the same reason i am her. im extremely socially oblivious and its getting kinda super obvious that she acts a certain way sometimes

but shes also really good, like i am, at pretending to not notice and be very engaged with whatever is happening when i am near, but i see her glancing in my direction, locking on and then like mentally mapping her back to my direction. which again, i do the same fucking thing to her constantly lol. god she makes me so nervous my knees give out.

haha what if i accidentally drop something or trip in front of her. haha. what if

pls kill me

im so stupid. i wish i could die. there is nothing inherently special about a human. the world will keep spinning after my body rots. it wont matter.

>>45087656
yeah i refuse to apps or talk to people irl. im just gonna start a twitter and post anglefrauds and replygirl to cute troons until one decides they want me. ive seen it work for neverfacepassers and oldhon heighthons boobtwinkdeads are secretly desirable by certain demos?? idk ive seen some bricks in relations with passer highbies. so maybe ill get lucky and trap them with my personality after baiting with thirst pics

idk what to vent about but i feel the need to vent

>>45089393
ok heres a vent. i came out to my only friend and they said they support me and i cried happy tears. but of course they asked if im getting "the surgery" fmstl
i kinda downplayed it and said i was just doing hrt for the mental and they dont have to pronouns me bc im never gonna pass and im probly nb anyway(lies)
but they said i should go to a doctor and i told them doctors hon dose you and are retards who want you on shitty blockers

and i was like telling them about how manic i feel but also how happy i am and its like the best thing ever and solved literally all my problems but i keep crying and crashing out but its ok cause thats what e does and im in touch w my emotions

and they were like maybe u should talk to a therapist this manic thing seems bad and dangerous and i was like :| are u even listening?? i hate doctors!!. they were doing the moid thing of trying to solve problems when i just want to be heard and i was like OHH SHITi used to do that to my ex lmao.

and then i was like im scared that people can tell and are gonna clock me and be mean and they were like 'i just dgaf what people think, im cool and confident' and i was like yeah but what if they tease or bully me. i hadnt really considered, since im >6' tall and could probly still 1v1 most, to tell them that im scared im gonna be hatecrimed by strangers or jumped in a parking lot in the dark by multiple people. they were like oh i just tell it like it is and stuff and now i wanna go back and be like

wait u really tell ur bearded union bros that u suck dick and theyre ok w it and dont care???? lol cause i dont fucking believe that

and ive asked two trusted sources if i look diff and they say no but i think people can tell i have boobs even when i wear a flannel. and there was a thread here the other day or on twitter that was people doing double takes and staring or laughing and that happens to me a lot at stores in manmode

>>45090142
>ah, yes, telling me not to be a fucking slut and whore myself out is bad actually
>>45090271
>ah, yes, telling me not to be a perpetual abuse victim instead of getting a fucking job is bad actually
this is why i hate trannies. you'd rather be dependent than independent, victim rather than standing up for yourself, worthless whore trash rather than virtuously pair-bonded. no wonder society hates y'all mothafuckas
inshallah you'll just burn into ashes with cyanide gasses

>>45092718
shut up, schizo

>>45090677
you deserve to be treated like this because trusting people was your first mistake, and thinking you deserve anything but death was your second. you deserve death and precisely nothing more. you must earn every cent required to pay for you room, board, upkeep and freedom, you transvestite abomination. no wonder the average transvestite such as yourself is some sort of debauched concubine

>>45092732
bro you are a tranny sybau

>>45092732
Thanks for the laugh anon

when i look in the mirror i see both a skeleton and an elephant
i hate the elephant aspect but for some reason i partly hate partly love the skeleton aspect
i look ill but looking ill turns me on

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if it's comedy you seek

shut up, schizo

I deserved better

>>45090564
wow i just got recommended a video that basically describes this exactly and calls me a giant projecting idiot that is addicted to being stupid

well at least i was self aware enough not actually do anything. might have actually cured me too. extremely embarrassing.

I need to vent that you're a whiny immature little bitch who refuses to engage with what I actually say or hold yourself accountable for your own actions and needs to grow the fuck up and get help with your mental health issues

Im crying a lot right now. I have been suppressing my feelings for a long time. Itstiring, I feel so one dimensional the way everything I think about, how I keep crying about the same things. How do I cope with possibly having been a child prostitute , not even knowing whats happened or who hurt me, having constant painful urges to go back, terrible somatic symptoms. And Im not even entirely sure it happened, maybe its vicarious trauma. And lately I have suspected that my parents were involved, maybe my father, I doubt it but it’s such a painful thought to have. And my friend does not care about me anymore

>>45095162
I can still feel it.. the feeling of being covered in my own vomit after being fucked in the face, he doesn’t stop after that. They convinced me I am a boy, I am a girl, anything as long as it’s something to fuck, they made me to a man to rape the other kids, I felt it, being exaclty like them, and the feeling of having a penis. I think my master is still alive in me , he was inside me so many times, he has to be. I’m scared I will lose control and become him. It feels inevitable , I am a ticking time bomb

>>45095524
Im sick of talking about things. I keep thinking someone will say the right thing that fixes everything, but that kind of thing never happens. I need therapy, I need meds that do something, I can’t keep doing this alone

>>45095162
>>45095524
>>45095561
Seek and ye shall find, but I understand with that load that it is difficult to do alone, especially considering the scope and the potential parental involvement. Is there anyone at all you can have help you lift a bit of the burden?

I think I'm starting to get over him. I think he prefers how it is now. I need to break up with him

sorry for being a lateshit i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

>>45095708
what's lateshit

>>45095765
for your own sake get out of here

>>45095772
I'm asking you when you started retard I've been posting for eight years

>>45095708
t. started at 19

>>45095782
oh. sorry...
i started at 27 (and 11 months)

>>45095624
> Is there anyone at all you can have help you lift a bit of the burden?
Kind of, I had this close friend who I felt safe enough to talk about these kind of things, but I don’t think he wants to talk to me anymore. When we first became friends I think we saw each other in really good lights but then that changes. And I have another close friend who I feel somewhat safe talking about it, but im scared of bothering her because she also has mental health problems and I don’t want to make things harder for her. I generally don’t want to be close to others because I know how I can act. And these kinds of things feel very difficult to talk about, some ppl don’t know how to respond, and when im crying at home around my roommates i don’t know how to explain that im sad that i was raped thousands of times

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my future husband is getting his guts rearranged by the 40 year old coke dealer who picks him up from high school while I play anno and drink alone

>>45095834
>central european autism game enjoyer
based

>>45095834
ok but WHICH anno?

I'm not even bi I literally just have a dick fetish
trans girls are completely correct, I just objectify them for having a dick and otherwise I wouldn't care about them
my entire sexuality is evil

>>45095815
Is there any other way to get the things out (that don't harm you), at least for a while? Sorry, as much as I have been overwhelmed like that, I don't have a history of sexual trauma so it's likely more extreme.

I understand not wanting to overwhelm someone with your mental problems. Talking about it with a friend can hurt if done improperly or too much, but I think you mostly need to work on how to healthily communicate vs not communicating at all. Same goes with the other friend who you think doesn't want to talk to you.

>>45095852
1800

i feel like I'm stuck in some sort of 3 body problem. Oh well, things should be more clear tomorrow.

I wish she would have just been honest about how much she hated me from the start

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>>45095974
>Is there any other way to get the things out (that don't harm you), at least for a while?
I like to draw, play piano mostly. It helps a little, I’ve been drawing a lot lately
>. Talking about it with a friend can hurt if done improperly or too much
Yeah , I think my problem is I often require lots of energy and care but don’t have the ability to return it.
>mostly need to work on how to healthily communicate vs not communicating at all
Tru there’s a balance and idk it

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I hate faggots.

>>45095793
why is it that when someone is sad you assume they're overreacting

>>45096489
on this specific board, about this specific terminology? lol

>>45096477
Straight women are faggots

>>45096518
by faggots I mean troons and the men who have sex with them

>>45096504
okay but not literally everyone is delusional

I don't know what's going on anymore. I've never known. Alles klar, Herr..... Johnson?

I feel guilty for transitioning around my mother. She’s talked about how when she was younger she truly wanted to be a man, but then she had me. I feel so bad for her because she compliments me all the time about how well I pass. Today it was the worst because she started talking about how “she wouldn’t dare dress up as a man for Halloween” because then she would want to start hrt like I did and how doing that would ruin her career.
I really don’t know what to do or say, she’s the nicest person I have in my life and it hurts that she can’t be who she wants to be.

I'm old at 39, and mtf trans. My mom's side of the family were all Nazis. Grandmother and Great Grandmother operated with the NS-Frauenschaft. My great grandfather was a part of the SS; "Protection Squadron". Hitler's personal guard, like the Secret Service here in the USA, but with expanded responsibilities beyond protecting the Fuhrer. His son was a conscript tasked with "cleaning" Jewish bodies of valuables. Only a few of them escaped post-war, and all of the surviving family came to the USA.
My father's family is mostly a mystery, but I *do* know that the lineage can be traced back to the 1200s. They were some of the OG colonizers of the Americas. My grandfather here married into a may-or-may-not-be an organized crime family of Italian immigrants to the USA in the late 50s.

I'm a miracle, because I shouldn't exist. My father forced my mother to have an abortion, and based on this knowledge I can metaphysically explain and rationalize that I should have been born a woman from the outset. I was supposed to be another forced-abortion. I've been dysphoric since birth, my body has always looked and felt slightly alien to me. My naturally-learned behaviors were deemed too "sissy" and I had them beaten out of me by my "man's man" father. My family hates "alternative lifestyles". Forced to repress, I adopted a failure of a masculine persona as survival tech. Got bullied to the moon, to hell, and back and then new game+. I'd hoped it would go away, but no, thinking this way put me on my knees in a graveyard three years ago. Armored Core 6 releasing in one month from then saved my life. I started HRT 6 months ago when I should've started 20 years ago.
+
+
+

+
+
+
I had six friends on Saturday. Today I have 4.
Neither liked that I started HRT despite me being out to them for over 15yrs and fucked off.
2 of the 4 remaining are strongly against transgenderism because of social media clowns and creeps like Lily Tino. They're probably gonna sever when they find out.
1 of them is completely indifferent and emotionally distant. I never have any idea what he really thinks, but we've known each other for 33 years, and I've admitted to him that I am romantically in love with him in 2008. Still seems chill enough, he actively talks to me from time-to-time.
The last of them is completely captured by identity politics, which causes friction because I disagree on the numerous ways all this stuff is being handled -- the way we're going is reckless, dangerous, and predatory with no safeguards or guardrails to keep less-self-aware people from fucking up and needing to detransition, an hero, or are being groomed & pressured into it for sexual exploitation, which needless to say sours perceptions. I think people pushing for DIY are scum with an ulterior motives and don't actually care about the very real health risks and potential loss in function. They disagree and think all of this reduced "gatekeeping" is a good thing, not realizing the reality is that it is a double-edged sword. I am pretty sure when we encounter something we both strongly disagree on, we will sever too.

I hate these clueless, blind faith "allies" with a fucking passion because their entire "alliance" is founded on covering for their own discriminatory behaviors by paying lip service while aggressively acting against us and reducing us all to a fucking talking point in favor of some shithole sand country that wants us all dead or worse.

I hate what the internet has become -- a cesspool of scum trying to manipulate, misinform, and mislead the masses for the benefit of their propaganda.

is all. am done.

I wish to die in my sleep tonight. The same thing I wish for every night. I just want to be released from this existence. Nothing truly can fill the gaping fucking hole in my chest and its tortures to live each and every day like everything is fine. Goodnight.

>>45097638
i can relate. im so genuinely suicidal lately in a way i never have been. everything is so unimaginably painful, nothing ever changes. it's not even about my transition, there's just nothing keeping me going.

can't stop crying recently

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nothing works. there is no solution.

>>45098033
i cried a lot tonight

>>45098082
what's troubling you anon?

>>45098088
I'm just so lonely. I can talk to people online but idk if I'll ever have a real partner

>>45098094
same here. I don't think I need a partner, at least not anytime soon, but there's nobody I know who is keeping me here.

>>45097279
>I think people pushing for DIY are scum with an ulterior motives and don't actually care about the very real health risks and potential loss in function
It takes 0 effort to "research" (Ask a user or google dot com) and mitigate potential risks. You can do your own bloods. Yes, people can fuck it up or do it for the 'wrong' reasons, but that's user error. Plastic surgery is legal. People ruin their lives in more devestating ways every single day, legally or not. DIY Should always be accessible when legal HRT is lacking.
You're retarded but good luck.

>>45098110
i don't think I'm ready for a partner but at the same time I don't know why I keep going without one

>>45098149
that's an awfully lonely position to be in. I'm ready but I have a feeling I'm going to be looking for the right fit for a while, maybe I'll never find her. for now I would settle for a true friend but they're hard to come by and the world is too heavy to go without one

I didnt hate you back then. But you sure found a way to make me start hating you now. Never talk to me ever again. Hope a bus hits you.

>>45097192
buy her diy

it was you, wasn't it? why are you still fucking with me?

>>45097279
you're a piece of shit

I give up

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you

I hate you more </3

>>45098662
this is about me i know it is isn't it anon. how old is the person this post is about? i know its me i know it :(

>>45098662
what was the way? asking so I can get someone to hate me

>>45100717
=]

>>45098111
Spoken like the groomer that the anon was tlaking about lmao

>>45100736
I don't know his age just that Im sick of having nightmares about him

oh jeez this is a miscommunication situation is it not?

>>45101110
?????

oh, I'm just shitting your dick.

oh look, 11:11
Make a wish!
>I wish that the twin towers didn't fall

>>45098110
>I don't think I need a partner, at least not anytime soon
i said this for like a decade. i trooned out now so the main barrier to "soon" is done. my therapist says im putting dating off indefinitely and setting impossible standards to protect myself from rejection.

im kinda scared im gonna hurt someone cause my last relationship was super toxic. i think ive done the internal work or whatever but i dont want to fall into old habits of fighting all the time and being codependent.

i guess limerance is real and happens more when you are lonely. and you will subconsciously pick people that are unavailable on purpose. the therapist says the way to stop it is to ask them out and then they say no and then it stops being a delusional fantasy and becomes grounded and theyre a real person instead of a projection of what you see in yourself that you want reflected in others.

and that you deserve a person who is available, doesnt send mixed signals, and communicates that they want you for you. i kinda internalized that and i think it fixed my issue with externalizing my mood regulation and dopamine addiction to anon interactions people who dont even know my name.

but that just makes me think i need to wait even longer and soon is not yet. but am i just indefinitely putting it off? i shouldnt date in a psych ward ok but its been years is it really off limits if im open and honest about my issues and working on them.

another problem is that im old as fuck and only ever dated two people as an adult and they both pursued me. and all the girls i dated in high school also pursued me. and im a social retard. so idk how or where to meet people. im very temped to just post pics on twitter and discord until someone stalks me and just let them bc i have no self esteem. and im only barely a year on hrt. yet again and again reasons i need to wait

>>45099901
no u.

>>45101533
gatekeepers and rhetoric spewers suck

I feel like I'm going to be sick to my stomach. My worst fear os coming true, and I partially orchestrated it. That or I am going crazy. Or... someone trying to make me feel crazy so I finally get the help I need.

I'll know by tomorrow, probably even tonight.

>>45102753
Whats going on?

>>45097279
I don't believe in gatekeeping but after recent developments I'm more skeptical about relying on bathtub estrogen than I have been in the past

>>45070542
i detransed and i think im going to be ok as a dude thats a bit fruity i just dont think this is quite my thing honestly and doing it was kinda a mistake but in that time it also improved my life
feels kinda weird making this decision ngl but i think any decision this big would feel weird
i am off hrt now

salaam oggi, Fraterni.

>>45102753
sed ¿porqué estas inquieto?
fear of today? fear of tomorrow? fear of our neighbours? fear of ourselves?

shut up, schizo

>>45103774
fear that I might not get out of this in one piece. I know that it would be to get me help, but I really don't want to go to the psych ward ever again. I've been once, and was pretty much fine to release after a couple of days, but I was kept there for almost 2 weeks, alone. I never want that again. I was threatened last time that my second visit would be my final visit, that I would never leave, or at least never be free again. Maybe I need this. I have neglected myself for far too long. My mother spoke a few times about putting me in a home in case she ever died, that I wouldn't be able to take care of myself, and maybe it's true. Maybe this whole 'living by yourself thing' is a farce. Maybe I need to be retrained, or even recaptured.

Also, I can't stand to think of what their kids would look like. It hurts badly. But, one must carry on. I cannot control what others do. I can only control myself, and I have done poorly at that.

I miss her so badly but I genuinely don't want her back anymore after everything and that hurts so badly for some reason

i am schizo, aren't I? I'm going to check myself into the psychward next week if I don't feel better.

>>45095834
ooh I want to kill myself

>>45105384
what's got you feeling schizy?

>>45105489
I think that everyone is out to get me help. They are conspiring to help me slowly come to terms with something instead of just ripping the band aid off. It hurts. I do think I might have to separate from the people involved, at least for a while. I..

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i dont regret trooning out but i have some that haunt the back of my mind daily
i couldve been something if i didnt troon out, i waste my time just sitting around and rotting in my bed, ive been boymoding for 6 years hrt has done almost nothing for me at all i dont pass at all
i used to play basketball and i was really good (im 6’5 and still athletic) i was in the same graduating class as zion williamson and i couldve made it to atleast d1 if i didnt troon out
this whole thing was a big waste of time nothing will change i cant go back i wasted my entire life dedicated to a sport that i gave up to be a pathetic height/shoulderhon but thats just life ig

i feel so broken by everything you did to me

>>45105633
I'm sorry. I will apologize to you properly soon. I am getting my things in order. I'm so sorry for making your love for him so difficult, or for making your life difficult, even if you two aren't involved (which might be part of the plot to make me realize that i am crazy and do need help). I thank you for being so gentle, even if you are still so strong it fucking hurts so much. :)

writing endless redrafts of the same email I know I won't send because it won't bring closure to either of us

>>45106402
just write it anyway, even if it is never sent. it is good to organize your thoughts. I am working on the same thing. I have someone I also wanted closure with, but it feels like it's never really over, so I keep losing my composure and feeling crazy. It was always like that with her hahahaha. Maybe I'm not out of the running entirely, simply uhhh, unwell. I don't think I can carry on the way I have been interpersonally any longer, with her or anyone. I am far too reserved and it hurts others and myself. There is room to take up, and filling the space can create great warmth. I'm not sure what the fuck I'm talking about lol

no one will ever love me

she wouldn't even want to look at me anymore
I'm so disgusting

>>45107109
why did you post a red image?

For some reason I am full of rage when people talk about muh boyfriend. Men suck ass, nobody should love a man ever

i cant fucking do it anymore man
im so fucking tired
every time i have even an ounce of forward momentum i am knocked back with a giant cartoon hammer
i give up