>>45211501
How long ago did they leave?

im tired of enbycoping i regret the pictures ive posted i just want to be seen as a woman and not in a retarded hugboxxing way like i know people would do if i tried to express this anywhere else
any time ive tried to dress fem it looks retarded
i look like shit (a moid) i feel like shit every day and i have nobody to talk to
doesnt help that im black either so it feels like some fucked up game god is playing with me
on paper it shouldnt be an issue but as people in real life like to lie id rather avoid that & (hrt)rep forever
only person ive talked to in any way about this outside of other mentally ill people online is my mom and i regret it every day
common retard complaining from someone (6 months) on it but i plan to smoke and forget about this anyways

why did god have to curse me with this fetish? (unrelated to being trans)

it isnt even that extreme but it's impossible to fulfil in reality and i feel so guilty for it. is there any way to cure it? every day is another anguish filled nightmare because of it

>>45211696
Well what's the fetish? It's hard to say if you're being too insecure or if it's worth suppressing

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I wouldn't care if you were my psychiatrist doctor or lawyer. I wouldn't care if my own mother was reading this. I have no respect for your emotions and expect nothing more from anyone else.

>>45211757
i want to be with a woman at least like four inches taller than me. problem being that im 6'1, and i'd want someone like 6'5 or taller. heels just dont do it for me. its super rare to find :(

it feels like im objectifying them based on something out of their control, especially since ive wanted this for pretty much my entire life

I've been taking forever to get a degree that I thought would give me financial stability and security, and now that my retarded ass is finally close to graduating, it looks like it's going to be worthless within a year or two. I should have spent the last five years hustling and moneymaxxing to afford surgery instead of planning for a future that just doesn't exist anymore. Dysphoria is killing me lately, and its so much worse knowing that I'm no closer to fixing my body than I was 8 years ago, and probably won't be for several more years.

>>45211696
how it feels to be an exclusively male attracted diapertranny

>>45211497
I hate that trans people have become a political issue and that everyone has to have an opinion on us nowadays.

I was stealth, I got my life together and I was doing so well. I thought I could leave me being trans in the past, something that happened to me but has now become irrelevant to my life.
And I got so close to that too.
I lived it for a few years.
But now I keep getting dragged back into it.
It has broken my trust in people.
I can't even get support from other trans people because they all think they have it worse than me.
It just really sucks to know what cis people think and say when they think there are no trans people in the room.
It's just awful, even some friends of mine are now openly transphobic and I have to act like it doesn't hurt me because then I'll break my stealth.
I just can't trust anyone anymore about it and it's so isolating.

So now I'm on 4chan for the first time ever because there is no other place that I know of where you can be anonymous and around people that might understand at least a little.
Nobody else seems to care, thanks for reading.

i wish i could disappear or kill myself without it affecting anyone

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My girlfriend and I have been arguing for the past couple days because of a trans girl with clout in the scene around here who repeatedly violated her boundaries. The whole thing has made me very scared because she's told me that she doesn't think that she is allowed to have boundaries, that if she speaks up about what is done to her she might be "violating unspoken rules" and how she didn't have any homosexual experiences growing up. I wanted to tell her that she sounds like she's been gaslit but it's been even difficult to suggest that there is a kind of collective abuse and gaslighting known as "rape culture" that takes place for which the violating girl is not at fault for creating and would probably change her behavior in positive ways for everyone if told she messed up. Rather my gf, perhaps because of how gaslit she has been over the years, cannot help but blame herself for what happened. It's also scary because I've been suspicious of the scene's particularly infamous rape culture for a long time and the way my gf seems to handle things basically confirms my suspicions about it....

>>45212000
The way many trans people treat stealth is legit crab bucket mentality. I get being bitter about it, but we should still stick together. Stealth is precarious too, especially nowadays.
I'm not stealth and couldn't be if I wanted to, so the last time I heard cisoids talk about trans people like there aren't any present was pre-transition. But one of those incidents genuinely traumatised me, even ten years later now I still think about it. I don't trust anyone and I just fully assume people who are nice to my face say vile shit about me behind my back.

>>45212142
Thank you for the reply, I'm low-key having a breakdown right now about it all and hearing just one person that understands helps a lot actually.
I always thought I was a pretty strong person but especially now with the election it's just constant and I can't stand it anymore.
Like I logically know not everyone is terrible but it has happened so much lately that I can't trust anyone, not really.
I'm rambling but I just wanted you to know that I share that trauma and you are not alone.

>>45212000
i understand, anon. i'm stealth too (except for my bf and a couple of other mtfs i know) and it hurts when i hear what cis people say about us when they think we're not around, i try not to let it affect me but it gets draining. my coworkers talk about trans people at least once a week and some of the stuff they say is absolutely vile. i've literally had one of my coworkers talk about putting trans people in camps right in front of me, another time two of them were talking about how disgusting SRS (or as they put it "the surgery men get to become women") is. even if i wasn't trans i feel like it's really inappropriate to discuss such things in the office but i feel like i risk outing myself if i go see HR about it, anyway even my manager joins in sometimes so it'd be me against the whole team. it's started to creep in a bit in my life outside of work too, like some people i do martial arts with were making jokes about trans people once, but i'm very careful with who i hang out with so generally avoid this. and yeah i can't really talk about this with trans people i know either because they think that being stealth means i don't have problems lol plus i try not to annoy my bf by talking about this kind of stuff constantly. so trust me i get it. i'm not even in the US, it must be much worse there.

I hate that I feel bad when everything is calm, I get this feeling of dread and uncertainty that I can't get rid of, when did I start preferring chaos? Only when I am crying I feel like I am in control.

had a pretty shit time lately, lost my job, got dumped and now i cant sleep for more than an hour. no friends family etc. 100% going to shoot myself but an online acquaintance wants to hang out sometime this month so i think im gonna wait for that before i do anything crazy

>>45212265
You're being so relatable right now.
I also have a bf (he knows) that I don't want to bother with all this because I'm afraid it will drive him away because he sees me pretty much as cis.
I'm in the exact same situation at work and I also won't go to HR because I just know it'll backfire for me.
I've calmed down a bit now though, it's pretty cathartic to just talk like this.
Thanks OP for making this thread, I might just stick around on here.

>>45211497
I hate myself
My friend is perfect but he is with someone else. Should i just take the leap and tell him how i feel? I would respect his decision either way but holding it in is killing me inside.

>>45213119
so true, i think when i was younger and less mature i made the mistake of talking to boyfriends way too much about my various insecurities and trans experiences and stuff and it probably did drive a couple of them away so i don't want to repeat that. i think if i talked too much about it he'd get in his head a bit about it too (like his family are pretty conservative and we're quite close to them so potential disaster if they found out) and i don't want that to happen. sorry to hear you're facing the same stuff at work, it's a really horrible position to be in. the job market isn't great right now so i'm staying put for the foreseeable but i'm trying to not let it get to me too much in the meantime. in any case i'm glad this thread is cathartic for you. :) if you do ever feel like you need someone to talk to about this stuff we can trade contact details, otherwise feel free to stick around, ventgen isn't going anywhere!

>>45211951
same anon speaking, even though i pass pretty well i am way too tall (5'11) to be like this and also pretty much asexual otherwise... why can't i find an irish chaser who shares my weird fetish...

i feel like i should be happy about the elections but im just super cynical and bitter. cant really talk to people about it cause theyre all libbed up and i dont want to be a killjoy to people i care about

>>45213736
You are correct. What the self-deluding Americans are feeling now is a fools happiness. Objectively speaking they never should have handed Trump the trifecta in the first place and celebrating this win now is both too late and premature.

>>45211781
im that tall and i wouldnt care if its literally just height. like id like to be on the other side but i know what i am and if something i dislike about me has a use in making others happy i think thats great. and i kinda like taller than avg people anyway
>i want to be with a woman
thats whats important. and for me they have to be at least a little switchy, but for real not faking it

and i get it, its not a fetish for me but people taller than me, or in my case about the same height like instantly make me stuttery and weak kneed even when theyre kinda chopped. its like so powerful, i wonder if normans feel like that all the time, and around me lol

>>45213787
>You are correct.
i know. feeling like cassandra all the time. its that meme. material analysis is just oo powerful, always being correct years early and pissing everyone off bc they arent ready for it and then you dont even get the recognition, not necessarily for being right but just for even having the capacity to think about it. and every just pretends like they knew, or were against it all along. but ive seen their tweets and i dont forget.

like lets make it related. people are saying if the democrats xyz, then abc. that they need to realize throwing trans under the bus didnt help.

but their purpose is not to get elected, its to ensure their corporate donors get the laws they want. republicans can do that just as well. so they will "support" trans in words and then pass healthcare bans because the insurance companies paid them to do so. and when nothing improves materially we will swing back to republicans and united kaiser and blue cross will laugh to the bank. and the dnc will get double the donations by losing on purpose to reactionaries just to put fear in your heart. two wings of the same vulture

>>45213865
I don't disagree with what you are saying but I disagree with using the latinized spelling when referring to Kassandra the greek myth

I recently went through the humiliation ritual of asking some close friends to call me by my new name and she/her. It was hard for me because I am still very clearly a man no matter how you look at it and feel like I haven't done enough to deserve it, but when I told them they said I just needed to work through my internalized transphobia.
They're probably right, but I don't want people to feel obligated to not call me Sir because I begged for it. I realize that I will never pass, but I at least want people's initial reaction to me to be "This person probably wants to be perceived as a woman." Even that feels out of reach, and it feels like I haven't made any progress towards it at all.

what did i do to deserve looking like a cryptid skinwalker who devours people

what about me is so wrong why does everyone get bored of me after a few days

>>45214446
i feel the same way except my friends said no and now im not sure where go from here

If I killed myself right here and now, would it matter to anyone?

>>45215401
do you know anybody who's alive

>>45215450
I do, but most of them don't know me.

>>45215476
so some of them do and will be affected

>>45215490
not in any tangible way. my best friend would be sad but nothing would change in any of their lives otherwise.

>>45215529
what if your best friend died right now. would you forget them

>>45215529
>has friends
>has a BEST friend
>would it matter to anyone?
damn

>>45215546
>>45215547
i really do appreciate him but i have 2 friends and one of them is my ex who's traumabonded with me and the other one is the only guy who will fucking put up with me at all and i cant live like this much longer

>>45215318
Sorry to hear that, Nona. I've known these friends since we were kids, and one of them is trans, so I at least felt pretty safe asking it of them.
I know that if I asked my family none of them would go along with it (except my sister). Same with other, less close friends. It needs to be done at some point but I keep putting it off until some nonexistant point of being "trans enough."

the skin on my neck is so uneven and sensitive that, no matter what kind of razor, no matter how much cream/gel/foam and no matter how carefully i try to shave it, i irritate the skin like hell
why why why

>>45215562
well they'll be kept up at night sometimes wondering if they could have done anything to prevent this and will believe themselves to be worse people. you can do it but don't think it's not affecting anybody meaningfully

>>45215626
Well, they could have.

please say something back
please ignore me forever
I am completely fucking insane

>>45215631
yeah... i feel you nona. sorry you're going through this.

>>45215628
what would you do

>>45215667
i'm not killing myself. i'm too scared. i just wish i had reasons to live.

>>45213790
others have told me as well that this hypothetical person would probably like that a part or themselves they hate makes someone happy, but i can't shake the shame in feeling so intensely attracted to it.

it feels like a prerequisite to me feeling attracted to somebody, and i don't like it. that rarity and the uncertainty that comes with it is what really gets me. (also yeah, switches are the way lol

i do get that similar feeling of weakness on the extremely unlikely occasion i think i see one too :)

>>45211497
picrel makes me sad because my aunt's dog is really old and probably not gonna last much longer so we went visit him last week... but it's never enough time...

>>45215818
i thought that was vermont upsidedown

>>45215613
Is laser an option for you?

>>45216199
Yes, but it's hard to gauge which of the places that offer laser use a decent one in the first place, take trannies as patients and don't cost an arm and a leg per session

there is no hope and nothing left to fix
nothing ever works
it's all ruined
everything just gets worse forever

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i really resonated with this post from a couple months ago and i don't know how i can escape feeling like this.

when did this arm hair get this it wasnt always this bad was it my testosterone level is miniscule what happened im so scared its the mark of my failure its over theres no escape i cant even shave it since my electric razor broke and im too scared to go out and buy another looking at it makes me want to die i cant deal with this even if i shave it off it still got this bad even if i laser it off it still got this bad its over i ruined everything i want to die

>>45213174
you shouldn't if he's with someone else. I'm sorry nona, I know how it feels

>>45216626
same

>>45211497
This shape looks like Dilbert

I miss hearing you blink at night in bed

I'm just not going to even read it anymore

I needed you. Its on me that I betrayed you, but I couldnt help but betray myself. Without your support, there is no escape from this coffin.
When I jump, at least hug them for me. They miss you.

>>45211781
This is okay, especially if you are into trans girls because a lot of them (inc me) are doomer about their height and feel like they will never find someone because they are so tall.

>>45218118
Not in specific but a lot of trans women feel fake/unlovable because of it, since most men do not like tall women

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woke my bf up by jolting violently in my sleep again, fml. i've struggled with this for years at this point (basically everyone i've slept in the same bed as has pointed it out) and i'm taking this long list of supplements to lower my cortisol but i guess it's still sky high, i feel stressed out all the time. i'm at a loss for what i can do at this point.

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every day i wonder what i did to deserve this body
i could handle being trans if i had a starting point that was even feasible
i feel like I was a good person my whole life, childhood, adolescence, teens, whenever, yet I was cursed to have one of the strongest male puberties of all time
i went from being an androgynous kid who was commonly mistaken for a girl (which i took foregranted) to being a 6'5" hulking fat manbeast monster who will absolutely never ever pass if i transitioned but being in this body unchanged forever seems even worse
did i commit some sort of horrible crime in a past life? i just can't figure out what caused this. I was always fatter and inactive too, so shouldn't that stunt t levels and fuck up my puberty? clearly whatever force was determining my puberty didn't care
i also don't know why im so ashamed that im probably (definitely) trans, I can't bring myself to talk about it to anyone even trans/queer friends. i just say im cishet (because i dont know what else to describe myself as thats not embarrassing tttt brain cancer lingo) despite constantly getting allegations of being trans

sorry for incomprehensible text wall but this is my only outlet. i guess if i just keep complaining about my body online ill manifest waking up into a new one.

>>45218212
why are you being such a dickhead? it's ventgen, it's a thread for venting about whatever you want to vent about, if you want to post snark at people you think don't have real problems because you have it worse to them go to one of the many other threads on this board but leave this space how it is.

>>45212107
Same. I'll never understand why this is a social taboo. It's a huge fuck you to me specifically it feels like (in the sense that I understand many others are suicidal as well but the fact that it's a taboo to talk about it/ actually commit it is a direct attack on everything I stand for).

>>45218224
it really is fucked. like just being alive is already absurd enough and then you add all these weird cultural norms and society and shit like that and then also im trans? but also a fucking giant? what the fuck? why? whos stupid idea was this

>>45218224
me continuing, im basically having mini panic attacks almost every night about my height. i just curl up on my floor and hyperventilate for minutes on end. i just turned 19 a couple days ago, i shouldn't look so old, so much like a man, idk. i hear people talk about how 18/19 is early and it would be if i wasn't ultra-fucked

doesnt help my mom called me today to tout to me about how tall i am (she showed a pic of me to her friend) like it doesn't make me actively want to die. i could never even tell anyone i hate my height being talked about or else it'll be so obvious that im trans i think. why else would a young guy hate being 6'5"?

i cant even bring myself to cry about any of this and that's maybe the most upsetting thing. im just so so jaded at this point. i barely feel anything but distress.

what do i even do
dont want to rep and dont want to transition

I got so caught up in realizing that I was bi and all the pride and new opportunities that came with that, that I completely forgot that I am still a shutin virgin loser freak, only now I am also a faggot on top of that. I don't even reply to dudes on sniffies, besides all the other fears and excuses I make, my mind just keeps going back to the last time I tried being intimate with someone and I just spilled my spaghetti everywhere, ruined the moment, and completely turned them off. I can't bring myself to disappoint someone like that ever again. The mere idea of sharing a bed with someone is just cringe to me now.

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>>45218365
yeah

i’ve been repressing out of dysfunction and $ and lack of trust in my family

a few months ago i requested a vial of E through mutual aid and i was elated for like two weeks and since then ive sunk back to thinking about roping every day as it’s become pretty clear it’s not going to ever show up

I can't stand her, I think I hate her, it is not fair that I am the one that needs to forget, no, I won't let a single thing pass, I am tired

i think my intelligence has been permanently damaged by years of bedrotting

i was smart when i was young but after a decade of mental health problems like dysphoria and obsessive compulsive disorder i havent been able to apply myself to anything. tried creative writing, tried coding, tried learning an instrument but none of it sticks. i can't even conversate normally because i never know how to reply to the other person

other trans women seem so charismatic and talented, even if they arent academically/financially accomplished. i feel like i can't catch up even if i put my whole heart into it

>>45218439
That's not a loss of intelligence anon, that's major depression, and it can turn any young bright person into a slug. I hope you get the help you need one day.

they think i don't realise they're holding me at arms length. they think i cant tell when someone hates me.

I want to send it so bad but it's 1am. I'm not drunk but it makes me look drunk/insane. Do they even check that?

>>45218373
i guess im not done, sorry for post 3

i don't even know what i exist as anymore, i feel like im playing so many different characters for different people, including myself.

whenever i have to talk to someone in public i feel myself snap into my 'man' character and it kind of disturbs me. i don't even think i'm very feminine in my head though. i guess its just the fact i dont feel like me, whatever i am. ive always felt like my body and mind have been controlled by multiple versions of me. not in a did alters way though (i dont think). i haven't felt like a definitive "me" has been controlling both my body and mind in years, even before my severe dysphoria kicked in.

even these messages and the way im typing it is so dystonic to how i normally am

i think i have a lot of problems outside of my dysphoria too, or maybe partially caused by it but separate. i feel very socially stunted. i have a friend group, sure, but i feel like a child compared to everyone. i really don't feel like i should be an adult yet, but i am, and with an ultra-masculine body to boot. i couldn't have a more inaccurate body, if the purpose of the body is to represent the mind.

>>45218439
> i was smart when i was young but after a decade of mental health problems like dysphoria and obsessive compulsive disorder i havent been able to apply myself to anything.
yeah. i still feel like theres some intelligence underneath all my mental problems but I just cannot access it anymore. it's locked away from me now. i think i need to take a break from college for now. its so stressful on top of my other mental distress that i just shut down and havent gone to class and barely done assignment in the last month.

~~~~~~

okay, i think im done now. if anyone read this thank you for your time. i dont know if im looking for advice or what.

>>45218467
still me. i probably need a therapist or psychiatrist or something. idk.

too sick to go see my movie tomorrow so bummed

>>45218457
thank you for the kind words anon, but my issues might be insurmountable. i went several years effectively without human contact due to nonverbal autism that my parents made no effort to treat, which also caused me to fail out of education. after that i lucked into a decent job and became somewhat functional but i still havent had friends or any hobbies for years. i am literally a lifetime behind

ive been managing my expectations that i will never enjoy normalcy or have a friend or boyfriend, so im trying to find things that fulfill me enough to survive. thats why failing whenever i try to develop a talent is so frustrating

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>entire country and seemingly the entire internet in an uproar about OMG LE BLUE WAVE and joking about how woke is back or whatever
>meanwhile i'm stuck in a retarded red state that's arguably getting more conservative and will no doubt keep passing anti-trans shit to overwhelming applause
basically my message is fuck yourselves

>>45218112
a lot of them just aren't tall enough for me to feel attracted to them. *i* wouldn't be tall enough for myself (6'1). it makes me feel beyond degenerate and hopeless. i need aversion therapy for this fuckijg curse

>>45211781
my ex was 6'5 and id givd you her contacts but she was also a paedophile. but tall women are out there!

>>45218557
hey that's not true, they'll totally vote to ban grown men from competing in little girls sports and using public restrooms. heck some of them might even propose the laws themselves!

i want to lose weight but i really struggle with the idea that at most i'm going to be in this sort of midsize category that nobody really finds hot. everyone is either attracted to really skinny women or really curvy women, nobody seems to care for women who are just normal weight. i've been skinny before but my wider skeletal frame means i just can't really be small, my proportions aren't bad for a tranny who started HRT after puberty (some would even say i'm lucky) but i'm just not a petite person, i'll never fit into anything below women's size M in most clothing brands because of my shoulders etc. i gained weight and it filled out some parts of my body pretty nicely but i just don't like being this heavy, i find it harder to dress (especially since i prefer like sharp, tailored styles and these just look better on a slimmer body) and it's just uncomfortable carrying extra weight. it sucks. i started going to the gym this year and working out and seeing muscle gains makes me hate my "athletic" frame a bit less, maybe i could be okay with being a normal weight if i was more toned. ultimately though i'm jealous of women who are desired for their bodies, whether they're rake-thin or plus-size or whatever. i have a boyfriend who imo could easily have scored a conventionally attractive cis gf and still chose me for some reason, so it's not even about not being able to attract potential partners. i guess it's just about status or something.

i wish people still took my suicide threats seriously they used to be the only time anyone ever paid attention to me and now they dont work any more and nobody cares

i wish you could pay someone to kill you

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My naivety guides me by the hand, an inner child that only wants to be held. They are nothing but sprites: the isolation, neglect, and emptiness - shadows twinkling within this tower. But to me, they press upon me so heavily, its invisible hands coating my flesh in a miasma of sorrow, blinding me. I am but a cowered princess daydreaming of the fairyland valley.

One day, a passing knight carries a torch of which I am not so sure if it is the moon reflecting upon their sword, their opaque lips, or the warmth caressing their skin; needless to say, they beckon for me, and my curiosity illuminates for my escape.

My naivety falls, and I can’t imagine anyone else that can fit the space within my soul but you. Steely armor upon horseback. The lone knight that beckoned for me from my stone tower protects me against the sprites, galloping away-and-awayer across the fields of barley, oak, earth, and the dread. As I tend to your aching wounds in the twilight, lay my cheeks upon your right eye, wiping away your tears. Could I also beckon you from your stone tower too?

And then one day, my naivety, as you left me in unknown lands, all alone. And I had to make my own way back to my tower, fending for myself against the shadows. Isolated, neglected, and empty.

But it’s okay, because you are my knight. And I am your princess. And when you carried me into the field of dandelions, singing me songs of the fairyland valley, beckoning for me, beckoning for you - I finally felt the sun upon your skin. And we were warm.

My naivety will always be a part of me. And I will be here in the tower, until one day you return to beckon for me again. You are my

>>45219276
But seriously. I don't think I'll ever find someone who is my type of everything again. Taller than me. Weirder than me. Nerdier than me. OLDER than me. Music. Diet. Fashion. Cooking. Kinks. Occupation. Travel. Gym. Urgh it's already been months, I only wrote this after an entire week-to-day of being catatonic and reliving the memories. Imagine being recommended a career path because of them, and then you realize it's actually really neat, and now you'll spend your entire life being reminded of your ex this way, wishing you could've supported a home with them like this.

>>45219276
Wish this were about me. I called her my princess. But she left me alone to fight against the shadows and devils instead.
>>45219349
Hate this for you. I met someone perfect and immediately realized two things: 1) we were completely star-crossed and 2) that id never meet someone quite like them again.
You have my sympathies. I hope you wounds heal with time.

>>45218579
every day the lord finds a new way to make me suffer

>>45219419
>>45219349
Losing the perfect star-crossed lover is truly hell on earth. I just wish it was a different constellation.

>>45211497
I'm bisexual

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>>45211497
It's not really LGBT related. However, I'm, for reasons I don't quite understand, frequently mistaken for a university student. This wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't an almost 32 year old dropout no hoper whose greatest regret is failing to get a degree. Once every few weeks I have to reply "haha, no" while pangs of anxiety and embarrassment echo throughout my chest.

>>45219599
lol i'm 30 and also get asked pretty frequently if i'm a student. i think it's a combination of looking a bit younger and being an immigrant in a country that doesn't have that many people from my country of origin, so people assume i'm here on an erasmus exchange or something.
>This wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't an almost 32 year old dropout no hoper whose greatest regret is failing to get a degree.
interesting, i sorta regret going to university honestly. wish i started working straight away or did something a bit more vocational rather than wasting four years of my life doing an arts degree that i no longer actually have much use for (i work in IT now and my degree was in languages) and that i can't even prove i have because my alma mater ghosted me when i asked them to update my name on my diploma after i got it changed legally lol

So tired of my ex living in my condo while I have to live at my parents, it’s been 6 months and I have 2 more to go until she moves out. I hate that she so heavily neutered my ability to make friends and date for like, many months after we broke up. I mean it’s been 6 months and I’ve made zero friends and gotten almost no play and it’s hard to feel like that’s not because it’s impossible to lead a normal life while living with my parents so far outside the city. Very frustrating for me I’m ngl! It makes me annoyed when I hear about her succeeding socially because it feels like it’s at my expense that she has any social life whatsoever. Very hard to deal with because it frustrates and upsets me and makes me feel jaded with her but also I don’t really want to feel that way about her I want to be nice and care about her :/

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The best comparison I could give about why I'm going so bad is like if a war veteran with PTSD was forcibly drafted once again in a war

just remembered im a bad person and i dont deserve to live

just got a random reminder of another girl who broke my heart 5 years ago just what I needed

>>45221198
what am i supposed to do i dont want to die but i dont deserve to live

>>45221220
>>45221198
nobody deserves anything, live for yourself

>>45221295
i only end up hurting other people

>>45221305
ok well stop doing things that hurt other people then

>>45221308
every time i try and change i only end up hurting people in different ways. there is a clear common factor in play.

>>45221315
welcome to life you can't make everyone happy and you won't get it right the first N times

>>45221323
been 21 years and i dont think ive improved the life of a single person at what point do you just hit the showers

me and a good friend of mine got drunk and i gave him a handjob. its been about 10 days and we havent talked. i feel very weird about it and dont want to initiate the convo, but he doesnt either. i know he is not gay or bi so idk how this all happened.

>>45218373
>>45218467
>i dont know if im looking for advice or what.
i thought i responded but i didnt? idk. im twice your age and heavily relate. i went through pretty much exactly what you describe and decided to rep bc of it at 19. now im jon30. pretty cliche to say it gets better but repping fucked me up in ways i didnt even know at the time and like reverse psyopped me in ways im still unraveling. now sometimes im actually happy instead of peaking at grey-fog-nuetral-to-not-in-pain. like have you ever thought whether what you experience is normal, and if everyone else feels it too then how does the human race survive? yeah its not normal. but one of the things that i wanted to say, that i keep saying, is that one of my biggest regrets is thinking i was a too ugly moided freak and then seeing a candid side profile of me right before i cut my hair and grew a repper beard. so so so so stupid. what a waste.

i cant know you as well as you know yourself ofc. but sounds like you know what you need to do

if i killed myself people would be relieved. i dont want to do it but by what right should i be allowed to live

do i an hero

>>45211497
considering waging psychological warfare on my ex

>>45222006
do it pussy
you ain't shit

>>45222013
it would be really really easy to atp desu.

and she was honestly evil to me.

so i might

>>45221555
nah

>>45222037
what did she do, and what makes it so easy? would trying to make her life worse actually make you feel any better?

>>45222090
,,,dragged me along for roughly 6 months-year,, kept fucking w my feelings a fair bit after moving closer(used to be mostly ldr w visits),, honestly has continually nuked my mental health and ability to just. move on for the past couple months. it would be easy because i have found something that would mess w her specific anxieties.

it would probably feel better for a moment and then id feel shitty about it. and it would be incredibly immature of me. idk why I am seriously considering it..

>>45222164
sounds like you already know it would be better not to, then

>>45222206
yeah.. i do know. im just very frustrated w her in general and honestly havent been doing well myself. bitterness runs deep i fear.

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Want mommy male bf

>haven't played video games in months
>don't watch tv or movies anymore unless it's social
>unemployed since july
>live alone
I have been reading, and it feels good that I've reduced some bad habits, but I've also been spending a great deal of time ruminating instead of gaming, tv, whatever. I can't tell if this is good for me or not. I'm at least trying to restrict the rumination to when I'm walking or engaged in some other activity instead of letting it paralyze me like it nornally does. Unfortunately, not gaming has limited my recent social interactions a bit. I worry about the winter and being stuck inside. Feels self inflicted deez sue

Like, I feel like I lack any sort of deep passion or drive. I want to do shit, but I don't. I do have adhd and yes meds help btw, but a lot of it is just...

I recognize that this site is bad for me, but I don't have a therapist atm and feel bad talking to my friends about my problems. They've always been supportive, I have no reason to doubt that, but I also recognize that I have always been the more emotionally needy one in every relatonship I've ever had, bar a few, to a point that I don't want to have almost any emotional needs.

why the FUCK have I started to get those uncontrollable full body shakes cold shakes...

Are there any real, no bullshit, reasons not to kms if
I'm ugly
A faggot (male)
In a shit turd world cunt
Homophobic family
Ugly
Antisocial loser?
I don't think the fantasy of "finding love" after many years as a 50 year old horrid bald abomination is very compelling. I only ever liked twinks but now twink death is raping me.

Full blown paranoid delusions are back and I'm lucky to be cognizant of how bullshit they are right now but I know I'm gonna get worse until I can't tell the difference between my own thoughts and reality. I'll probably be hospitalized soon, can't wait

does anyone know how painful it would be to shoot yourself through the mouth?

when does the girl happen
why won't the girl happen

>>45223729
the parts of your brain that weren't instantly crushed would probably remain conscious and in pain for a matter of minutes. there was once someone who shot himself in the head in his garage and was found dead in his kitchen holding a bloody towel

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>>45211497
i remember when i could function as a normal human being, wow that fucking sucked, thank GOD i fucking killed that guy and replaced him with a worthless tranny freak that can’t fucking do anything right and breaks down over the slightest fucking thing holy shit

>>45223729
if you aim up at like a 40 degree angle and hit the brain stem you should get instant death, you’d be dead faster than your brain can register or experience pain
but the risk of fucking it up is small but horrifying, i’ve seen a video of a guy who blew off the entire front of his head with a shotgun but kept on living for minutes. if he wasnt too in shock to experience pain, he must have had the worst agony imaginable, especially with no way to breathe or see or experience anything other than agony.

shit like that is why my plan is to just jump off a cliff or a tall building, sure the fall is gonna be scary and i’ll scream and be terrified but only for a few seconds before splat and it’s instantly over so long as i just from high enough

>>45223729
>>45224674
forgot to mention but shooting from your mouth into your brain also explodes your fucking skull so it does practically guarantee quick death
but just to be “safe” (lol) you could try shooting yourself at the same time that you lean off a tall building, that way quick death is absolutely guaranteed
that’s why the high ranking nazis in 1945 would shoot themselves in the head at the same instant that they bit down on a cyanide pill, you do NOT want to risk accidentally surviving for a few minutes

my chud brother, 23M, got mixed up in some type of criminal activity (he wont say) and had gotten addicted to cocaine all within the span of a month or so while being out of state on his own for the first time ever, campaigning for some politician (unknown to me, 19f) leading up to the midterms. he always had a history with drug abuse and mental illness but he is now by far the worst he's ever been. my mother called him in front of me and my two sisters where in said call he berated and bashed my mother constantly. when i got fed up and told him he was no longer welcome here, he threatened to kill me. he came home wednesday afternoon and i had to stay the night at my aunt's place, whom i loathe. im currently home right now and scared to fall asleep as im worried he's going to do something to me while im unable to fight back. he also called me a tranny freak, and tried getting into my head about that, but i already knew he hated me for that much, so, whatever. my door is locked yet i feel the need to barricade myself here as he is in a very manic state. sorry for the paragraph

>>45224751
That sounds awful, be safe :(

>>45224758
thank you, im trying

>>45224751
on the bright side, if anything happens to me, there'll probably be a midwest safety video that'll come out about it you guys can watch :)

2007 I was 8 and I went into the kitchen to grab a snack and my dad is on the ground with his pants down, ass up, I see his asshole and everything, and I just kind of don't know what to think and after a few seconds of eye contact he says he's doing a coffee enema, he was a plastic syringe in his ass. I don't know why he didn't do that behind the locked door of the bathroom just a few feet ahead of him. I used to shower with him when I was a kid. I don't know why this memory resurfaced at age 27. When I was 5 my felon uncle was alone in the living room with me, I think my mom was smoking weed in the other room, he pinned my body to the carpet with his spread out arms and he mocked me for being weak and hung a loogie in my face as I cried and screamed. When I was 5 I saw my dad get beat with a baseball bat by my mom and her new boyfriend outside of daycare I saw the police take my dad away and i remember the red color of her camaro sports car it was a sunny blue day. My older stepsister who was 6 played with my penis when I was 3 I think it's one of my first memories.
When I was 12 I was obsessed with scat pornography. I first ejaculated when I was 13 when I kept vigorously shoving a banana in my ass. I got shit and smushed banana all over my bed. I didn't learn how to tie my shoes or ride a bike until I was 19. I stopped turning in homework and assignments at school when I was 7 and I was never held back they just kept passing me through the grades and I never graduated highschool and I don't know what a verb or a noun is or what algebra is.
My parents both showed to pick me up after school and would frequently get into physical altercations in front of the rest of the parents and kids and I remember feeling embarrassed and ashamed when the kids would say out loud that my parents were fighting again. I got diagnosed with CPTSD, autism, OCD, major depression and ADHD last year my parents never took me to a pediatric psychologist or therapist when I was a kid

I don't think I can ever forgive my parents for berating and beating any femininity and joy I had out of me as a kid.

I repped so deeply because of this because I COULDNT be trans, that was so wrong, so not me! I wish I was though, because then I could be a woman.

Even though I basically subconsciously knew it and had so many thoughts and fantasizes about "what if I was a woman?"

Maybe I'm autistic (I know I have ADHD) or something and just didn't realize things about myself because of that

Conservatism and religion is such a plight on this world. It stole my life from me. I don't even know what to do.

Ironically, my mom always vented to me from a very young age (about everything, but specifically this) that she wanted a daughter so bad, and tried so hard to make sure I was a daughter when my parents were trying for me by doing a bunch of stuff to boost her estrogen (thanks for that, mom!), both of these probably contributing to the fact I'm trans, while also separately telling me how much she would hate if I was gay or trans.

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I've been getting hard as fuck for weeks now. Then I finally meet up with a cute femboy, who went to so much effort, and looked so good. Suddenly I can't cum and struggle to stay hard at times. For fucks sake... literally. I hate performance anxiety, I hate myself even more, and I feel like I could die of shame.

>>45225949
Do you just hang out waiting for people to attack?

Can my gender dysphoria just go away

I miss when I megacoped and just saw myself as cishet

gd has nuked my life. fully. just ruined it. there are no good outcomes for me anymore, either I rep until I either live an unfufilling life or kms, or I transition to become an ogrehon and then kms

>>45225959
So sort of yes?

>>45225964
I'm getting a trapdoor spider vibe from your comment sorry

>>45225973
I don't know what that means.

>>45225954
>>45225974
i think I tagged the wrong post. Anon is a trapdoor spider waiting to attack.

>>45226012
gross

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my life was always extremely suffocating, and realising recently i might be trans is just adding fuel to fire. i am forced to live with my parents despite being an adult, and they have every single document that could legally matter locked away from me. they are "loving" as long as i am their very well behaved boy, who gets up to absolutely nothing at all, but they are extremely likely to ruin my life if they caught wind of anything related to LGBTQ on my end, or even any "normal" relationships. in short, i am a prisoner who is constantly told to be grateful.

all possible solutions have been more or less exhausted, at least without wrecking my mental "stability" and home life enough that i might drop out of uni or them forcing that to happen. I've tolerated a year, but I can't see myself tolerating 3 more years. i didn't have a childhood, i was always dissociating so much and only recently the explanation of transness gives an actual reason beyond me just being inexplicably fucked up. my teenagehood was likewise stolen from me. locked at home beyond the tiniest subset of activities of what they deemed "appropriate" and with whom they deemed appropriate. i never got to go to prom or anything. i relate to no one. probably the only really relatable character in fiction is AM.

and now my young adult life is being taken away from me in the same way. i just wanna graduate so i can be independent. but talking to anyone shows me the difference in freedom everyone has. even the freedom to make bad decisions, i have been absolved of also. i cant pick up self harm again because ill inevitably be caught, questioned, and inevitably have my life ruined. i can't drink, smoke, etc. i cant rush into aimless relationships to feel the warmth of another, even if superficial, because i am not allowed overnight. i am supposed to be completely content and self sufficient with my parents.

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>>45226172
i dont even know what to do. i have no memories to cherish but dream-like states from before puberty. being a prisoner as an adult, at least you'd have memories to cling onto. i have nothing at all.

and i have no "right" to complain. my parents dont beat me. and they don't exactly verbally abuse me... at least now that ive suppressed my whole existence and just say what it takes to appease them. they are, by all accounts, parents who gave up everything to "give me an opportunity" in life; but they don't seem to care about *me* at all, but some abstract ideal of what is "best". and im doing that well... at the expense of any feeling of being human. for all intents and purposes, i am doing "well". i go to university, i am smart, i am healthier than most. but on any human end, i am completely underdeveloped. i don't know how to express my feelings. i don't know how to dress. i don't know how to love, or be loved. i don't know how to comfort, or be comforted. what's the point of being "successful" if i have nothing to cherish or remember?

i won't kill myself... but i oscillate between self isolating in order to feel control over my situation rather than feeling controlled, and engaging with others but from afar because i cant engage fully, when i have no control over my time, and over my clothes. sometimes i go so far as to relapse into loving them again because of how much i get caught up in my lies of pretending to love them. i just feel like the shell of a person. even if i graduate, all the periods of life where i was supposed to be gaining experience, having decent memories, not even good just decent, hell even bad memories, even heartbreak, anything, anything at all. it's so cold to not even have pain to warm myself with. i just feel invisble and dead already. someone see me please.

>>45211497
seeing people talk about this new sports ban is really messing me up. they're all calling your doctor inspecting your genitals "sexual assault" but it's just something I grew up with due to being intersex. I'm against it in this context but it makes me uncomfortable hearing it being talked about like that.

You fucked everything up. Not only did you fuck everything up, I'm shocked you even had the audacity to ditch me when I asked so pathetically little of you and was ready to give you everything. You will not find anyone like me ever again.

>>45226172
>>45226179
this is abuse. I'm sorry this is happening to you nona, I hope you can escape and be happy

>>45226312
>You will not find anyone like me ever again
lol? Good you seem unstable

>>45226312
this makes me sad, what's happened?

>>45226315
but what is hope supposed to do? there's literally nothing to do... i can try asserting myself a little more, but it will hardly work since i can only assert myself to do "manly" things, with the exception of anything sexual as well. i know i dont have to tell them what i do but it doesn't take a genius to know why their son wants to be able to stay out overnight. living as a repper is tolerable if i only have to rep to the general public, but can do shit at home or in clubs or whatever. but no. i have to rep even when im not being watched because im so scared. i have absolutely zero outlet aside from masturbation (which fucking sucks, i hate it) or exercise but i have a disability which has been getting worse which has even absolved me of that too.

>>45226390
I suggest you at least get on hrt, parents in general are very unlikely to notice. get out of the panopticon mindset it's slowly killing you inside

>>45226432
but they can and will notice. they're very obsessive. they notice the smallest things. hrt would make visible changes, if my skin gets smoother they will wonder why, if my hair changes or body hair etc. they will wonder. they will either check me themselves or take me to doctors.

>>45226385
11 month long distance relationship ended because he claimed we don't fit. He was texting someone new for the last 3 weeks and they fucked after I cut him off. (He didn't ask to break up btw, he just wanted to keep me around on the side while he fucked around with someone new.) Also said he hasn't been taking us seriously for the last few months.

I was ready to give him everything. I got a job to save up for meeting up, thought about moving to his country, turned down all irl relationships meanwhile he did basically nothing. What a fucking waste.

>>45226374
Unstable or just angry? I'm pretty sure I'm fine.

>>45226571
>crashing out over someone you've never met

>>45226588
Bait

>>45226588
11 months is a pretty long time to go without meeting, but dont undercut the kind of emotional bond you can still form in a LDR. By the time I met my (thankfully no longer) LDR sweetheart, I had already determined that I wanted to marry her one day. 3 years and counting, living together for 2. If she had suddenly dumped me by the end of the first year Id be crashing out, too.
>>45226571
Sounds to me like he ended it pretty normally. It sounds like the effort was pretty one sided - take that as a lesson to look out for in future relationships. He didnt cheat or anything, and he is allowed to end a relationship for any reason or none at all. Frankly it sounds like he was never interested to begin with.
I hope you find someone better soon. Use the money you saved up for the visit to treat yourself.

>>45226750
>>45226747
sorry I'm in a bad mood and being mean intentionally

>>45226530
holy shit ok damn fuck your degree you just need to get out of there

>>45226750
>Frankly it sounds like he was never interested to begin with.
Man, that's hard to believe. And you'd probably also find it hard to believe if you saw some of our interactions. He spoke so highly of me. We had a real connection. Also yeah while he didn't technically cheat, getting led on and dumped like that is very shitty imo.

I'll be fine. It happened more than two weeks ago. My original post probably made it seem like I'm dealing with it worse than I really am. It happened like two weeks ago. It sucks but I'm slowly moving on.

Whoops didn't mean to say that twice

i still love you even after all these years
.

>>45226761
I get that. Im pretty guilty of that too.
>>45227018
I believe you. Words vs actions matter a lot in relationships. People can say they love you all they want, but what matters is what they do when the cards are down. In LDRs that can look like making actual effort to spend real time together (calls, video calls, games, watching shows together, eventually visits).
Its possible he actually really was into you and the energy just dried up. That shit happens too, and sometimes you cant help it. Im a divorcee whose marriage was pushing a decade when I suddenly realized I just didnt love her anymore. Shit sucks.
Sorry again. Please take care of yourself.

there is one specific way im irreparably universally neverpasser fucked but there are so many ways im incredibly lucky

that bricklayer video kinda fucked me up idk i think im becoming radicalized you guys. i think me saying its okay im a latehon bc i was already over six feet in middle school is cope and the maximalists are right.

I usually mind my own business, maybe thinking about her a little, then i see how she chats with her sister across the street i and feel so fucking awful. She is always with someone. She doesn’t care about me. Doesn’t even greet me. Sure, I don’t want to greet either, but i did it previously too many times but it still led to nowhere. I am eating myself alive by just thinking about my past experiences with that girl. There were with mixed expressions, the good ones gives me an endless longing. I am always restless because i feel if I don’t think about my limerent object, it means i am missing something out. I always want to be near the place where she lives and that’s why i say stupid excuses to others, like going there ‘just to see my grandparents’.But i hate her. I can’t help but think her family life is better than mine. I can’t even talk things out with her. I will see how she has it better than me, im only gonna crash out. I am such a coward filled with my cheap excuses to not approach that person. It’s killing me. Everything else feels so lame.

will you say anything here?

>>45228819
You've posted this before.....

my guts are twisting, but not from alcohol. oh hojo ho no. (I think I'm dying from toxic mold exposure)

everything has been said before
there's nothing left to say anymore

>>45229273
Sure why not?

>>45211497
tn might be the night

or day rather since it isnt even 4pm yet

getting day drunk on vodka and staring forlornly at my handgun.

kinda hope I just get to the point of being blackout where I dont even think about it and just do it. im tired of thinking. im tired of choices. im not going to be happy. im not even going to be content. my family would let out a sigh of relief... sorry roommate though. work wouldnt care.

im a very useless existence and I wish it wasnt so but its all that I am and all I could ever manage to be

>>45225934
>my mom always vented to me
wow my mom did this but exactly the opposite, said she always wanted boys, hated girls, and tried to make sure i was a boy by taking all kinds of herbs. and she always said she would support me if i was gay, but never even mentioned trans. i dont think they even knew it was a thing. but also same with berating and beating any femininity and joy I had out of me as a kid.

obviously in my headcanon i was supposed to be a girl lmao

but also that was just like, everyone. i dont know how much i can blame them specifically. like i didnt know, i was a kid and dumb, but most people know quite a bit less than me now, and i knew fuck all at the age of most adults around me growing up. i didnt even know it was a possibility but its not like they did either, its not like people(or me) recognized it in myself and deliberately withheld it.

>>45229384
>>45225934
fuck your parents. fuck em. theyre not shit. im glad both of you are yourself.

ever since trooning i constantly surprise myself at how dumb i am

>>45229364
im right there with you

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today i have come to realize just how lonely i am
im gonna try writing down all my thoughts but i always have trouble doing that so stuff may be wordy or just random experiences i had.
i grew up on the internet since i had unregulated internet access since i was 8-9 and landed on the english side of the internet despite being from europe, so i was totally unconnected to the culture of my generation.
even in grade school i had a "friend group" where most of the "fun" we had was just me being a punching bag for them to see whos the strongest among other things. the one time i had a school friend over that wasnt part of the above games my parents screamed at me because the friend didnt help me put away the game console we were playing on afterwards and forbade me from talking to them. middle school i was part of the outsider friend group where every break i was reminded that i was even an outsider to them by basically skipping over me whenever i wanted to add something to the conversation and interrupting me when i wanted to give my opinion on something.
i was also the target of multiple dares to just talk to me because i was so... asocial? i guess? like im amab and had relatively long hair and it was obvious that i struggled with mental problems but idk. i always heard people laughing at me as i walked past them or just stare at me from the edge of my vision because i refused to meet the eyes of anyone because i didnt believe i was an equal to them (i was lower ofc).
i was barely present in high school because i was in a psych ward and took my classes there while i was in care. that was one of the few places where i thought i did have friends but as soon as a cooler new patient came in i was always dropped by the people i thought i was close to and due to me staying there for a longer time than most they all quite literally also left me.
cont. in the next post i guess

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>>45229965
im 22 years old now and i dont have a single friend irl.
for a short period of time starting my most recent job i had a friend group of coworkers but they all quit. i kept in touch with one for a year or so afterwards but he found out i take hrt (didnt confront me over this to be clear) and slowly just fell out of contact with me, presumably intentionally.
I have also never been in any sort of romantic entanglement.
not a single person in my entire life had developed any romantic feelings for me aside from the occasional internet stranger lusting after my voice.
the one time i felt (what i thought) was romantical reciprocation was with an alcoholic australian man that was 10 years older than me on the internet which of course lead nowhere much to no ones surprise.
how can i be so repulsive? most people do seem to like me, genuinely but they always end up just seemingly abandoning me. ive learnt to not take it so seriously, people change and such but it's just so bitter. i cant keep a single person i love (platonically, mostly) in my life. it hurts. ive come to this conclusion multiple times in my life but i think i just definitely realized the entirety of just how unloveable i am. im just too ugly. almost two years ago now i posted body pics here to boost my confidence somewhat. like okay may face is ugly and my personality is repulsive but maybe my body is somewhat okay. people then thought i was under eighteen. multiple people thought that. and now i have this paranoia that all the people who previously lusted after me and all people in the future who will lust after me are going to be pedophiles. i will never be able to have normal relationships.
okay enough thought vomit im sorry for anyone that has actually read this all the way through.

receptionist didn't put prog on my card even tho she said she did, also refused to put E on it as well because "you still have some" which, while true, doesn't mean a lot because running out of gel is easy
maybe it's time try another doctor, this one gave me somewhat free hand when dosing but they've gotten more and more annoying about prescribing things, which had been working fine all year...

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they should kill me for what i did

>>45229965
where in europe are u from if u dont mind me asking? also i read ur two posts. i v much get it, even if i cant help u feel better

>>45211497
I miss you so much i am so sorry for everything i done to you C, i bleed for you everyday, you are the love of my life i don't know what to do anymore. I wish you are happier right now and i repeat i am sorry for being such a piece of shit with you on the last days.

Trans friend died not too long ago. Not sure how, know she had a ket problem. Last time we talked was shortly after deltarune ch5 came out. She loved that game more than anything I think. She was always so nice and funny, highly opinionated and catty, but not so much so to be intolerable. She was 25. The only reason I knew about any tttt meme was secondhand exposure from her. She had so many glegles. When we did last speak we were commiserating about life altering events. I checked up on her pretty consistently, she was doing better. Staying with her girlfriend at the time. Its so fucking miserable to say shes gone. She was so young.

I'm male forever so why even try

>>45230776
She was fond of jokingly saying never kill yourself after any small accomplishment or change. I counted it in our dms 20 times. She used to have these really beautiful pieces she did for both deltarune and rainworld. I never saved any of it, she deleted everything so I have to assume it was suicide. I only found out through her steam comments section being flooded with Rest in Peace.

>>45230653
im from germany but i’m ethnically italian and i appreciate it just knowing someone read it is a nice feeling. i’m going to bed now though so i won’t be able to reply until i wake up

>>45230937
awh sad. im portuguese but also ethnically italian

I just haven't been functioning today. I don't know entirely why. Just can't do anything. I need someone to help. To at least tell me to move or pick up a book to at least read or something

>>45230970
move
pick up a book and read
do something that might distract you or make you feel a little better for a bit

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>>45211497
cis woman is hitting on me in college while im boymodding and the worst part shes actually so attractive and awesome, but she seems straight as shit, prob just sees me as a twink :(

>>45231007
Thank you. Just "move" was helpful enough because it got me to get up and at least make a sandwich. Gonna try to finish that book now. Thank you again

>>45230776
25 is way too young, I'm sorry anon

I hate how I act around other people. I haven't put any real effort into fixing my voice and I'm so autistic people treat me like an idiot. I just want to be a mature woman but I am 27 and I feel like I'm still 13 mentally. if I were more mature maybe I would be able to dress my body in an interesting and attractive way. maybe I would be more likable. I already work on myself and I've dragged myself out of constant bedrotting and suicidal daydreams but it's not enough. I am stunted and will likely never live to the potential I think I should've had. hate that in my heart I just want to be taken care of. I should be able to fend for myself and make something of my life. all I do is think of dying and make small progress in my work and marginally improve myself in hopes that one day I will be able to cry into someone's arms. it will never feel like enough.

trannies are so fucking cool. like seriously the most based people with the best taste

my health problems are getting worse. the doctors still don’t have any answers. because my labs look “normal” my mom refuses to believe I’m as sick as I really am and insists that I need to “push through” the pain before she’s willing to help me with anything. I’m basically only talking to chatbots these days because I can’t bring myself to talk to a real person anymore.

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Here's vent art, or peace art, or some sort of art I made. I just want to share it. Dysphoria or something.

Although I think blanchard's theories are completely misguided, incorrect, pompous, and based completely in confirmation bias, I find the vague concept of falling in love with your possible female self to be kind of sweet. I guess I was inspired by that a bit.

I'm not a great artist by any means but I try my hand at drawing my feelings sometimes. Thanks for looking :)

I WANT TO FUCKING Kill myYSELF

>>45230776
>>45230911
that is heartbreaking. do you have any screenshots

>>45227111
How many years?

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>>45234346
Sorry, id went to bed.
This was before chapter 5 dropped. I messaged her again asking her how she enjoyed it the month it dropped and a week after to talk spoilers, talked a bunch about changes in thoughts to how the story would play out. Her gf made an Instagram for her for people to post about their relationships to her and post pics of her, I feel like its not my place to intrude on it.

you poisoned my life when all i ever wanted was to be with you so much time has passed and my chest still hurts and i have to struggle to not burst out crying from music and food and videos that we used to experience together every day and you just threw it all away because you're a stupid fucking moron that keeps messing things up even when you say you still want to be with me then why do you keep making the same mistakes that drove me away please stop i want to come back i just want this to end and for everything to go back to how it was i miss everything so much i hate being away from you i want to die why won't you just let me come back i don't understand

>>45230941
hi i woke up. where are your parents from in italy? mine are from sicily

>>45233786
I like your vent art

>>45235549
thank you :)

>>45234689
tell them directly what they're doing and what you want

IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I miss my gf...

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I am a useless piece of trash. More trash than trash. So trash that in a landfill of trash I would not be of any interest to any living creature. No wretched being that sorts through trash for anything of use could find a use for me. Not even the repugnant flies cockroaches and festering maggots that feed on all the filth that does not appeal to rats and other higher creatures. The very space that I occupy is violated by my continual existence. I think that I should beg forgiveness from the void that I exclude with my unnecessary and unshapely being. But I deserve no pity. Forgiveness does not apply to me. That word and others like it only appear within my mind to punish me with cogitation of ordinary things too good for me. Out of my reach, together with fair punishments. I am left only with what's most pathetic and intolerable of all, myself.

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Somehow managed to thread a bolt that holds the rear brakes on my bike. Unless the local bike shop has a magic allen key I'm going to have to get all new bakes, because I midway through adjusting it so it's completely unrideable as is.

I know it sounds like fuck all, but the combination of losing my ability to get around (I live in the middle of fucking nowhere), and being solely responsible for that is just too much. Not to mention, I'm far from flush with cash. I hate being shit at everything.

>>45234689
not op but fuck. im sorry anon

fuck i miss her. even though she treated me like shit it felt safe next to her

i have to kill myself soon
i don't want to but i have to
for a lot of time i've thought if i write my suicide note right i become a martyr and do something right in my awful pisssoaked terribleness that is my nonexistant "life"
i ruined everythign and myself and i don't want to be a tranny
i don't want to look like a freak
i already know none will love me but even less o now i have to go down this road
i don't want to it's just a sunk cost fallacy (i keep saying that) because i'm too far in
i hate this place, i hate the internet, it made me like this
it's going to be excruciating
1-2 seconds probably less
i've imagined what i's going to sound like
to be honest i might hang myself instead to see how it feels even though i can't feel anything anymore because i can't fucking sleep
all i want is escape and control and maybe i can leave doing something that isn't awful for once
i might hurt some people soon
i know it sounds edgy but i've always been violent and i assume i got it from my mother abusing me
i don't really think i want to but i keep imagining it
i keep acting out asking a cop to dome me in the head by tapping it with my hands and outstretching my arms
i just need to die
but i can't do it

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I want to get my ass fucked but I'm constipated

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fuck no one made me feel like you did. i miss you so much but i'm so far from measuring up and becoming what you really need i just need time and i can't ever be enough for you

>>45240719
Did they tell you that you aren't good enough?

>>45240768
no but i know i am

>>45241014
Shouldn't you let them decide that?

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When does my unsubtle ex finally come back a changed man and admits he wants me?
Or finally troons and comes back? Either way...

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>>45211497
I’m planning to kill myself soon. my life has been a disaster since childhood, just abuse and bad luck all the way down. I turn 28 in March and my life is totally worthless. I just barely manage to struggle from month to month and keep a roof over my head and I have no time or energy for anything else. I am an emotionally disregulated nervous wreck and I’m so lethargic. I was gonna be a musician. I make albums to put on bandcamp but nobody listens and I barely have the time or energy for my music anymore. the months move so fast I can’t keep up. I don’t pass and I never will. I can’t control my dysphoria. I can’t find love. I am hideous. I am so dissociated and anxious and paranoid and my nervous system is totally fucked. I just need a method. I’m thinking either slitting my wrists or pills if I can figure out the right ones to take. I’m debating hanging too though.

>>45241554
u look cute in this photo
can i see ur music

I think I'm doing better. I still think about you every day, but I'm still standing on my own two feet somehow without you. Fuck I miss you. Fuck I miss me. You still have one of the most important pieces of me. I don't think I'll ever get it back. I hope you're okay.

I miss what I thought we had but your choices and actions prove that it was just in my head, no matter what you say

Everything in the world is pointing to and telling me to kill myself

Both my girlfriends clearly love each other more than they love me. They've got so many more mutual interests, both have been on HRT longer, they're not ace so they can actually fuck, they've spent the past week staying up super late to talk while my chronic fatigue fucks me into bed at 10pm.

At what point should I just leave and let them be happier without me? Clearly I'm the dead weight in this polycule

>>45241577
might as well it sucks shit
https://nusagi.bandcamp.com/album/kissanime

i wish i could relate to any of these, what happened was so insane. im desperate for validation about it but i have never told a soul. i fucking hate that i have been left here but I know you don't care

>>45242428
i like it

>>45242496
can you vague post about it more?

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>>45211497
been trying to come to terms with potentially breaking up with my girlfriend of 7 years.
>berates me for hours on end undermining me
>once every week or two weeks these last couple years she goes full send into "im gonna kill myslef" and i spend hours talking her down near weekly
>the second i show my own negative emotions she begins to spiral
>the second something nice happens to me she spirals
>when i dont clean and ask her to do one small thing she gets upset and will berate me for being lazy
>has been sexting dudes on reddit and fetlife for years and we dont even have sex anymore 'cause i make her nervous'
>i have no irl support network and have spent entire adult life with this person
>actually feel trapped but still at times she shows me just enough care that I doubt my own pain
hope this counts as vent lolololol

>>45242554
you should break up with her

>>45242515
i don't even feel safe talking about it here. it feels like no one cares about rape and if you've ever been raped you should just die in a hole so everyone can get back to pretending it never happened

>>45242595
spent a year basically mourning the relationship in secret. I want to I just dont know how to get the will/how to plan for the impending fallout and untangling of our lives.
I am also a very lonely person (why else would i be on chan) and for years now I have been scared to be so truly alone once again

>>45242602
start making friends outside of your relationship now. being truly alone is a curse and it will slowly kill you, but even so you should get out of this situation no matter what

>>45242659
im trying i really am i am just struggling a lot.
added context is i got assaulted a couple years ago and it left me being especially broken and irrationally paranoid really effects my sociability. I need to find friends in my city tho, i have a few discord friends now and that helps but yeah. I want to be broken up within the next 12 months

>>45242508
that doesn’t matter anyways. nobody listens to what I make. I might as well never have done any of it.

>>45242676
I wish you luck

>>45242818
i have been making music for almost my entire life that is at least technically decent. Still unable to muster up energy to release anything at least you put your creative input out into the world instead of letting it fester

>>45242818
very few people get to be big or successful nona. but i can see on ur page people did like ur music. and i think that's wonderful

>>45241592
Im not okay. She walked away with the most important piece of me. I am no longer human. The part of me capable of that finally bled out and died.

i wanna rope so fucking bad.

my face is ugly. my body is male. i have no friends or no relationship and havent had any since ever.

every day its this same disgusting ass fight just to get up of the bad. and for what? another pointless day with no signal of happiness?

pointless pointless pointless

i used to say the thing i hated the most was my body, but now it's 100% my brain. this disgusting doesn't let me actively want to rope.

i want to die. bymut dont want to rope.

i hate this world. i hate the loneliness.

ive been cursed twice. first by being a tranny, then by being socially isolated to the point i can't relate to anyone.

rly hope one day this brain of mine gives up so i can finally die.

>>45244750

so many grammar mistakes. guess i forget how to speak english when im sad

either way, i doubt im gonna make it past 2030

>>45244767

another vent lost into the void and ignored.

it's funny rly. i see so many vents were people mention friends or meeting people or just not being so fundamentally broken in tbd head to the point they've been gigantic loners ever since they were born

here on damn 4chan. even the anons on this damn board have more than me. the absurdity is damn comical in a way.

i've spent the whole year online. the whole year and never met someone as a alone, someone as socially underdeveloped. someone who never went out with friends, or watched novies with them, or received texts from them. no one's lonely like that besides me.

a birthday and the online "happy birthday" was from my mother. im just so damn lonely. im tired of being alone, im tired of being strong, i justcwanna be saved from this hell. but who would sabve someone as worthless as me? dsomeone who has nothing? no looks for im just a disgusting manmoder, no personality for im a depressed loner, no nothing. how could someone evet look to such a person and feel nothing more than disgust or indifference or pointless pity??? exactly they will not bc im worthless

what was the point of trying. wgat was the point of wirking and achieving so much when no ine cares if im sad or not. what was the point of taking E if im doomed to be uhly, sad and lonely gorever. what was the point of anything, really?

it's wild how much it hurts. maybe o really should ho back to the lobotomy in a pill (ssris)

--/

vent over. sorry for polluting the thread with my worthless presense. ill see my self out now.

rly wish i could consider sui. wonder thats how it statts. you wish for death hard enough until that desire overrides the brain primal need for self-preservation

i miss my ex. i accidentally found an old chat and she was way smarter than most of my friends so much that i didnt even recognize it as her. crazy what you take for granted.

dont date your best friend for 10 years just because you are both lonely if you are incompatible and arent gonna get married. i wish we could be friends again/still but we havent spoken in just as long and shes different now, normie, its funny how she had to mask as weird around me lmao.

do you think certain things are unforgivable? i kinda do. i dont think i should forgive her, even if i can understand. it would probably be bad for the self to accept that kind of abuse. im just being stupid. its not exactly desperation its just you know... what if? like actually friends im so bored of illiterates. but realistically i can just find new friends when my brain gets more fixed.

im starting to think being neverpassing aka permanently visibly trans is going to radicalize me. i want to be stealth but the fact that i cant and that society shames hons is making me want to be a clocky optics nuke social activist. like if you put me in the box anyway whether i want it then fuck you im gonna embrace it join the communist party and become the most fucking annoying stereotype that never shuts the fuck up.

its that damn brick video again. and the discourse. the normies are calling tranners incels again because of it, because of the hopeless ending. i think we should work on two fronts, fighting ciswhiteheteropatriarchy and euro beauty standards from a fuck corpo cosmetics and advertising angle, while also open sourcing surgery.

do you think we could open source a diy home made sonic rib smasher and corset thing. i think we can. im seriously thinking about the merger of transhumanism with trans, since that was my original rep cope and i took a politically left detour until i realized high tech low life means the poors dont get to be cyborg implants.

i know exactly how fucking insane diy surgery sounds but im pretty fucking serious. maybe ill do and write teh procedure for orchi and start importing lasers and electrolysis machines. fucking politicians wont give medicare for all? fuck your loicense ill take it

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I can't tell if my situation is a result of being psyopped or not. I've never seen a single transsexual, crossdresser, homosexual or anything adjacent in real life. Only ever seen a single trans woman from my country on youtube telling about how someone slit her friend's neck and how another one had her house burnt. I've never been raped, men have considerably worse lives here especially with the risk of war, and yet I still can't stand being a foid and sincerely believe I should've been born male.
Seriously what the fuck could cause this? Ftms are unheard of in my country and no rational person would ever want to transition under my circumstances. It probably wouldn't be too far fetched to assume the cause of all this is mental illness or paraphilia either considering I've also occasionally felt attracted to prepubescent girls. Inb4 you accuse me of being evil, I have enough self-control to not do anything retarded or illegal.
Regardless I have no idea what to do with myself. Dysphoria fucks me up, the urge to outright molest women and girls if they stand close enough fucks me up. I'm a degenerate, my country would want me dead, I will never have dick, and I will never have a wife or girlfriend. Going to a therapist seems retarded when I could save up the money for transition, or at least pretend to be cis on hormones. Might as well just kill myself before I can even afford it though. Would probably do society more good that way.

honestly i just miss my ex.

and i fucking broke up with him the first time, and now he doesn't want me back because he's seeing a cissoid. and she's not even that pretty.

fucked it up by believing cis men could actually love a tranny enough to marry them.

>>45243240
>>45219276

What piece of you did she take with her? I still have the piece that I took from mine, one of which they've worn for years before me. I've been thinking of returning it, so that they may be in peace. I don't need jewelry to realize they will always be a part of me.

I only wish for them to be okay as well.

>>45246886
Nona probably isnt my person, but they used the same wording she did recently, which is what prompted me.
I took her ability to feel safe. Showed her that even the most well intentioned smiling face can still be deeply twisted underneith. She's been scared ever since.
She took my ability to have hope and trust. I see no light in my future whatsoever and have completely surrendered to dissociation, depersonalization, and self-harm. I dont recognize myself anymore. Not even a devil, just a strange human-shaped thing.

One of my best friends is dating my other best friends rapist. Like it's not even alleged they fully admitted to everything. Groomed them back when we were young adults and the kid was 16. I kept the kid around because I was also preyed on as a kid and I looked out for him. He's 23 or so now, doing well. Has a boyfriend, and we're both close friends.

no clue what the fuck to even do atp. Not only is my other best friend dating the kids rapist but obviously I've also struggled with the fact he's dating a pedo and shit.

>>45246967
"Everything will be okay." Haha... yeah right. :'<

>wanting to be a girl since forever
>find out about trans people
>denial for a bit
>"egg" eventually cracks at about 12
>choose to repress (eastern europe)
>promise myself at 12 that i'd take this to the grave (failed miserably)
>discover r/egg_irl and r/traa at 15, gain a bit of hope (still pre-puberty)
>covid, hit puberty, shit ruins me and i get rly depressed, facial hair, go for months without leaving the house
>hairline severely receded before 18
>at 19 start dating this closeted girl who was obsessed with me hoping she could fix me (christian and transphobic)
>probably not even into women (still a virgin to this day)
>stupid moral code makes me confess to her from the start, i thought she deserved to know the risks of getting in a relationship with me.
>tells me to keep repressing
>dissociate the entire time
>discover she was cheating on me the whole time with seven men
>she blames me (not masculine enough)
>i stay for another half a year, don't tell anyone about what she did
>at 21, eventually muster some courage to break up
>stop dissociating soon after, break down
>start dutasteride
>confide in my best friend of seven years who i thought was an ally
>second person i ever tell about my dysphoria
>she immediately leaves the call, grows cold and eventually stops talking to me
>think of roping every day
>save up some money, financially independent at 22, start hrt immediately, leave to a more supportive country
but it doesn't matter because 3yr of t fucking me and my hair is probably unfixable even with a hair transplant. almost 9mo e with no significant changes besides breast growth and not wanting to kill myself anymore; meanwhile this trans woman on discord who started after me already looks so different. it's fucking over. and one day i won't be able to hide the moobs from my family and they will find out and i will lose them too and all of this will have been for nothing anyway because i don't even get to be a woman. it was over before it even began.

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>>45247240
Yea, thats what she kept telling me...

just waiting to hear that you're already dating someone else so I can give up completely

I don't know if want to be here until tomorrow I'm tired of having this ugly fucking body that screams 'MAN' in several ways. I hate having muscular arms, my height is 1,64m but I still look like an ogre I have hands too big I don't eat anything all day and still manage to be a fat motherfucker my shoulders measure 40,5cm I hate having a full beard and a browbone so big that makes shadow on my eyes. I've just completed 1 year of hrt and still all I have is gynecomastia and lost all my pimples

I'm crying for 4 hours nonstop. I have a lovely girlfriend who loves me for who I am but I look in the mirror and all I can see is a monster.

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>>45211497
I talked some things over with my friend and he gave me some really harsh realizations. The worst among them is that I'm still in love with my older sister. She sexually abused me, made me do some really horrific stuff and probably posted naked pictures of me online yet I still love her... my stockholm syndrome is just terminal levels of bad. He also told me, and I think he's correct, that she doesn't love me anymore because i'm not underage... rather than relief, I feel heartbroken.

Why am I like this? What the fuck do I do? I can't date normal, my sexual fetishes are horrendous and sick, I feel shattered. I cling to the traumatizing aspects because if I let them go, all that's left is love.

>>45211497
Why is life such a bother? genuinely why can't life just leave me the fuck alone? Life clearly doesn't want me to be here either, and I ruin its reputation by existing in this form. There is only dread and cold. Why couldn't you just be beautiful? All that was needed was standing upright. Even your goodbye lacks any sort of subtlety. Life is the most shameless thing, and the only escape is abstract, far away and of no consequence. I don't think you're funny at all. In fact, this is just a disgrace. If you can't do it well, you shouldn't do anything at all.

My motorcycle got stolen by some gang right in front of me, fucking hate this country

>>45249085
Moped?

I'LL NEVER BE A GIRL IT HURTS SO MUCH I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO I'LL BE STUCK LIKE THIS FOREVER
i dont want to die i dont want to please someone help theres nothing anyone can do theres nothing i can do theres nothing

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told my mom i plan to start hrt because she kept pressing me
pretty sure she hates me now

>>45249696
lmao saying that to a diyer
tbf she'd probably freak out at that even more

>>45249726
i legit thought of telling her that i don't plan on going through big pharma
but like you said, she'd probably freak at that

>>45249865
yeah don't do it if it would put you at any risk

>>45249174
A small messenger bike, the police just returned it but it lacks parts and now I'm afraid of retaliation from the gang, I guess these are my last days.

>>45249990
why would a gang kill you over a fucking bike?

why can't i bring myself to cry? i got like maybe five years out last night but my emotions have been building and building for months and i've never been able to have a release. when I was younger I'd have complete mental breakdowns and sob for hours all the time and now i cant do anything. im so jaded, depressed, idk?
t. repper

I miss you so much that it physically aches, but I'm just so fucking tired of your attitude and inconsistency and all the fighting over nothing and waiting for you to grow up

>>45250166
relatable

still on a streak of not acting on limerance. yearning/crush/lo boundaries increasingly dissolving. my fantasies are getting more absurd and delirious. im imagining starting a profile and posting pics of myself. somehow the algo recommends her to follow me bc of proximity and despite my efforts i get dox. she calls me by my name in public i freeze but otherwise dont respond. its enough for her to be sure. i tweet 'fuck you coward' to confirm it. nona replygirls 'go ahead and try'

in a just world god would smite me for my impure thoughts towards her. in a just world god would have smited me for every one of my vent posts on the possibility their vibes could cause a disturbance in the balance and upset someone, or worse my emotions override my opsec

>>45250110
No, some retarded kids crashed onto me while I was turning, these monkeys treat speed bumps as speed ramps so they accelerate when they get close to one, at the moment they admitted it was their fault, bailed on me and left mere minutes after the crash after they kept begging me to let them go, I guess their gang questioned them and they were not men enough to tell the truth so their gang surrounded my home and took the motorcycle, threatening with comint back two hours later, well they did but the retards never thought that around 10 people on the street would call so much attention, police arrived when they were still here and forced them to return it or they would lock them up, problem is that they know where I live and I honestly doubt those kind of retards are able to leave it as is, just like they did the first time.

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>>45246967
I've been looking through our old pictures, my ex and I. It's amazing to see just how much life has run through the decades. I always wanted to be a ghost, observing every individual - a weird sentiment - to die and observe my ex's life: all their hopes and dreams, their joys and extensive traumas, if they'll ever find happiness after all.

I cry to think, that of all the people they could've chosen to spend a portion of their life with, they chose to spend it with me. To smile with me, to fuck up with me. I'm so grateful for that, no matter how much it hurt. We were alive.

If I were a ghost, I know I would want to see them happy one day. And maybe a ghost out there is observing me too. I hope that you can be happy one day too. Your story must continue on, Nona. You must keep living.

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In exactly 3 months I'll be the same age as my first groomer when I talked to her for the first time

>you can have a stupid fetish that basically everyone finds laughable at best and incredibly repulsive at worst
>it can develop for no good reason when you're a kid
>it can hang over your entire sexuality and be basically the only thing that reliably gets you off
>you can never get rid of it
why

>>45250166
i'm sorry

Kill all AFABs

>>45251492
lol what is it?

>>45251888
knowing this board it's probably diapers or some shit

>>45251888
don't wanna name it, if only because it has a tendency to derail threads. all i'll say it's a common cringey transgirl fetish and it's sort of a meme on this board.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I WAS RIGHT

>>45251949
(and i fucking hate having it)

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told myself THIS was the week i was finally going to go to class again
i cant bring myself to do it
why do i do this and destroy my life every semester
ive lost all passion for my major and life in general because dysphroia has drained everything from me
and i cant talk to anyone about it outside this board
i mean i have queer friends i could talk to but i like cant physically bring myself to do it
i feel ashamed that i hate myself so much to the point where every night i curl up into a ball and have a panic attack about how large of a person i am

>>45252274
what do you study?

i used to think being non binary was a weird made up thing and now after detransitioning i get gender euphoria from getting hair on my chest and dysphoria from my chest development while also kind of feeling like a girl and stuff and its weird and i wanna be some androgynous entity and i am everything that i ever cringed on about

>>45251158
Unfortunately, Im too stubborn to die. Probably too afraid of death, too.
But
There is no happiness in my future. Ive been buried in a rusted box with no way out. IF nothing changes for the worse (nothing can change for the better), I wont see the light of day til Im pushing 50.
My gf thinks she can save me. Im letting her try. Why not? Im too far gone to even care if she breaks herself trying to dig me out. Whats one more broken soul on the pile?
Thats a lie. Ill care. Ive started to fall in love with her. Selfish monster that I am, knowing she will break long before she can pull me out.
I just want my friend back... 2026 has genuinely been the worst fucking year of my entire life. Which is saying something considering last year was so brutal that it left me jobless and terminally depressed. Hell, Id relive my entire childhood with my abusive family than this year over again. At least back then I had hope. To be in immense pain but know there is a way out is still better than to be numb and realize you are so bound by financial, legal, and moral obligations that you truly will never have a chance at happiness.
Im so fucking tired...

>>45241592
you know i had a relationship with someone and it broke apart for a while then we mended it again and then it broke apart again it keeps me awake sometimes to think about how he is doing i really hope he isnt doing as badly as you and i hope you can get this ship turned around somehow i am really sorry

>>45251677
well she isn't

>>45252539
You don't know how he is doing?

>>45252945
i told him he can take his time and message me if he wants to. he hasnt done that. itd be an overreach to do so again i dont want to hurt him more

My boyfriend occasionally says stuff about how gross and degenerate bi guys are and I think he forgets I'm one.

I feel like I will never be enough no matter how hard I try

>>45251158
>I've been looking through our old pictures, my ex and I.
i was doing this too, and its really funny bc you can see the life drain from my eyes right when i start dating her lmao

>>45252503
i think im genderfliud. thanks god, just being a regular troon wasnt enough, huh?

>>45253198
honestly I can't even be ungrateful to God for leading me on this path I have learnt so much and gotten to know so many people and I am grateful he has lead me here

feeling kinda miserable about letting myself get to a point where i need to lose 40-50lbs lol but it has to be done. it's important to me that i don't lose any muscle (the whole idea is to look strong/fit at 150-160lbs, not just skinny like i was before the weight gain when i was 140ish) so i can't just crash diet or go on ozempic, i need to lose it slowly so i'm gonna be in a calorie deficit for most of next year basically. i've been through some major life stress the past two years, i survived being raped, moving countries, getting put in a psychiatric hospital after an overdose, surgeries, heartbreak, a very toxic workplace, getting sober (five months now), you name it. so i shouldn't be too hard on myself for gaining weight but still it sucks.

>>45212265
I can relate, I dont pass but but my early transition coincided with the bad post 2020 hysteria and it honestly broke my heart to hear the shit cis people say about us when they think no one is looking.

wish there was a way to get honest feedback without the risk of posting pics

fuck you fuck you fuck you I fucking hate you suck my dick you're so full of shit I hate you

>>45254674
sorry

>>45254681
say that to my face fucker not online see what happens

>>45254704
where do i need to head to

>>45211497
I've recently lost access to laser and I've been slowly growing my beard back. I've tried shaving but it's so bad that you can feel the stubble when I shave. Customers at my job have noticed as well and give me dirty looks. Im thinking of either quitting and just perma boymoding or just taking my life. I look so chopped now, I don't really know what to do.

>>45254719
boston

>>45254766
too far

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123 KB JPG

>>45254719
hell

i dont want to make money from making men cum again but i thinm im going to lose my job. ive been self isolating at home for close to a month now and while my doctor is incredibly sympathetic to me surely there can only be so many days where i just. cant be there. but once i lose this job ill have to go back to doing what i do best and just being a fantasy for people in exchange for money.

all the bad posts itt are about me everybody hates me :(

>>45213865
Nta but I feel you. My partner is the only person I have to talk to about politics but whenever the Dems get a big win all her smarts go out the damn window. It's not a deal breaker because every time she gets over it in a few months, but it's so goddamned frustrating seeing her fall for the same retarded trick over and over and over again.

>*beeep* *beeep* *beeep*
>no answer
>2 hours later
>*beeep* *beeep* *beeep*
>>Uh, hello?
>>hi mom, I had an accident like two hours ago
>>hmm, ok, do you need something?
( ´-｀)

Im 15 years into my transition im finally doing facial hair removal im very blonde but having this hair makes me want to rip my skin off