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>>24878729
2/2

>>24878729
Cognisant of the harsh potentialities, was he?

>>24878729
>Dan Moriarty sat in the kitchen dining room reading a dense philosophical text by some 19th Century savant, his wife
Lucky guy.

Also this sucks. I've read the whole thing, and it picked up a bit once you got over the half-philosophising of the first page and the picture became a little more domestic and grounded, but it went nowhere. Really didn't like how it opened, and it felt overdramatic in a way I figure you at least partially intended, but the effect is pretty weak. We get this guy who is trapped in his own thoughts, wants to change but not too much, complacent, and he feels satisfied. You're painting a portrait of something which is at best quaint, and little more than tepid.

The shift between halves is a decent trick, but you should dial back the first half, and be more decisive about what you're trying to say. What is the point of the shift? What's important about this guy who won't quit smokes but knows he's too fat but can't see far enough to stop it? Is him musing about the solar system at all vital to the point you're trying to make? How does his not-knowing-what-he-doesn't-know matter to what you're trying to say through him? What does each part of this accomplish? What are you trying to say?

>>24878765
And yeah, quit writing shit like this.

>>24878729
here is an idea
write some stuff
then post images of it at websites for feedback

>>24879143
bro are you even cognisant of the harsh potentialities attendant upon such a formidable enterprise

It's ok, sets a tone and is nice to read. Nothing amazing and it doesn't really move much, but that is fine.
Dan began to rumage through THE kitchen, small typo
I don't get the clownish expression
The cigaret ends too fast
Keep writing

>>24879846
Last thing: Enrico is not a brazilian name. Not sure it was your idea, but if it was consider Henrique, it's much more common.

>>24878781
I wish you could read mine but I don't want to post it here. Are you in Japan by any chance?

>>24878729
I love internal monologues in literature. Reminds me of Taxi Driver.

>>24879911
You can send it to me at unofficial.drivel@gmail.com. I don't want to read more than a few pages though.

where you use the word 'some' you miss the opportunity for specificity. specificity is the life blood of great prose - it allows you to characterise much better as well, efficiently, for example, which philosopher? which tv show is she watching? which office pals?

>>24880929
trvke

>>24878729
fren, turn spellchecker on and see what happens

Man, don't you just hate it when you roll a cigarette and it makes you cognisant of the harsh potentialities associated with smoking that cigarette?

Fucking hate when that happens. It's so annoying.

>>24878732
Why are so many writers who post on this board just head over heels in love with adjectives and pointless description?

Motherfucker, you don't need to describe exactly what a cigarette looks like and exactly how it is put out in an ashtray.

Have some respect for your readers and treat them like intelligent humans. We know what a cigarette looks like, and we know what the process of putting it out looks like.

>>24882387
get his ass

>>24880929
none of this makes any fucking sense. dan recognizes that dad peddled "hogwash (a word not seriously used in 100 years) paranoid delusions", yet it was also "the stuff of real, tangible genius"? which one is it? dan's "poring over" a "dense treatise" by "some 19th century savant"--did he just pick it at random? who is doing the observing here, and why isn't this person interested in divulging the identity of the philosopher? why is the way this fat bastard enters a room with his tea and eating his biscuits granted more detail?

this shit is just littered with dead phrases and elegant variation. language, tone all over the place. erase the following immediately:
>ineffable
>poring over
>cognisant etc
>perfectly rolled tobacco
>the stuff
>respectable age
>wee hours
>if not outright
>that was true
>stuff of genius (fuck offffff)
>real, tangible genius (fuck OFFFFFFFFFFF)
>whole-heartedly
>lumbered his etc, entire sentence
>damn well
>coloured the sky
>the tract
>really this entire section needs to go
>physiological
and for all the minutiae there is not any mention of him sitting back down in the kitchen
>said lightly
>followed, of course
>the X Y, (all instances)
>rummage through
>entering balancing
>rather clownish
>quick peck