Is this a good facsimile of a female coomer?
I won't masturbate again, demon
>>24918130
>>24918149>mfw I did anyway
>>24918130Do women really? My sister is hot, but I can't imagine jacking off to her.
>>24918168Sorry/you're welcome
>>24918173100% written by a dude
>>24918130>slap, slap, slapindeed.
>>24918173I don't know -- that's why I'm asking
>>24918173I jack of to my sister everyday so I imagine there might be some weirdo women who jack of to their brothers too.
>>24918130I think the best writing advice I've ever received for writing women is to write them as men and change the names and pronouns. Woman as hypersexual or asexual being is generally going to set off an alarm in a reader's head. As far as the piece goes, being a Catholic myself, I think you ludicrously underestimate the amount of paralyzing guilt a Catholic girl might experience around sexuality. Sexual feelings, in my experience, are ugly, painful, pit-of-your stomach sensations, sort of like a slug worming through your left ventricle. Maybe you can use that, if you want to inject something of the real-life Catholic experience into your piece.Also, graphic depictions of sex acts are just vulgar from the getgo, in my opinion. I'll re-emphasize that these are just my personal thoughts. I'm not God, and I can't force you to think the way I do about these things.
>>24918130That's not what a facsimile is.
>>24918301>>24918301>I think you ludicrously underestimate the amount of paralyzing guilt a Catholic girl might experience around sexualityAustralian catholic mate, not real catholic. Sheilas don't give a fuck -- trust me.
>>24918130it would be fine without the slaps
Most woman to this day don't really masturbate THAT often and they're more attracted towards attitudes, ways to fill their needs and emotional sensibilities of the man rather than just his looks. Most woman are also REALLY scared of decision making and hope you do it for them so having her be the one startinf the sexual engagement rather than being coerced into it and having the male (or any dom for that matter) just magically mind read her desires aint that accurate. Prose is kinda fucking good but I think it wouldn't be fitting for someone above the age of 16. Just make her a bit less on the nose "im gonna get him" anime girl-y, more character to her brother as opposed to just a body and add a bit more to how he's mad about desiring her and how her brother can only think about her and other amounts of romantic booktok fantasies that most human beings can't live up to and you're good to go
>>24918914Slappers gonna slap.
>>24919095>>24918914SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAPGET PREGNANT GET PREGNANT GET PREGNANT
>>24919109The refrain of /lit/.
For the record: it's supposed to be absurd.It's the first time the perspective shifts to her, and you're expecting her to be all solemn and brooding etc but it's just this insane coomer thing where she's basically schlicking herself onto the page right in front of you. And you'll be there reading it (no one will be reading it, but humour me for a second), thinking "what the fuck?"...also I just realised that's pretty much the same gimmick as the last chapter of Ulysees, but it's a good gimmick so whatever.>>24918940>Prose is kinda fucking good but I think it wouldn't be fitting for someone above the age of 16she is 16Also thanks. I was really hungover when I wrote most of it.Also I had a boner.
>>24919115>I was really hungover when I wrote most of it.Oh, and now that I think about it -- for all you incorrigible Freudians out there looking for something to sink your spurs into -- I had walked past my old high school (catholic, of course) at about 3am the """night""" before on my way home from the station. And I stopped there for a few minutes, reminiscing, to take a piss on the fence, while singing karaoke: "Handsome Devil" by The Smiths, followed by "I know It's Over" (twice in a row, crying).I'm not sure, but that might’ve had something to do with what compelled me to write something like this under such a haze...
>>24919176You sound like you're about 22, anon. No one cares about your personal life. The excerpt isn't the worst, but it needs refining. For example, what kind of a young girl these days is gonna use the term "peers"? The registers are all fucked up in spots. Keep working.
>>24918130I'll critique that for 20 bucks.
>>24918130Zappa did it betterhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0zEX8h17eA
>>24918130Cut that down to two paragraphs and you'll be fine.
>>24919299Sorry I was just trying to be funny, and there was this funny coincidence, and I've had all this caffeine, and this brain thing, and...and now I can't stop talking like this, and, and, and, and any reason to apply pejoratives to Freudians and yeah and I guess it's cringe and that and thou art an irascible worm, and a cur, and a milksopping comber of cocks because my register's all fucked up and NOBODY says "peers" anymore in two thousand and FUCKEN TWEREAnd I'm sorry for yelling and "and and and" and I know it's just a little bit uncouth and may be wont to have a tug betimes i' th' morning but oooh I'm nowhere NEAR as much of a dawn-crowning, fag-faced fucken WANKER as you mate you mate you fucken cunt you fucken dickhead you fuck fuck fuck
>>24919304BASED I KNEEL
>>24919527The big leagues won't be calling any time soon, m8.
>>24919683Yeah, well... I made a guy cum without even doing anything gay, so that’s at least something. What magic tricks have you performed lately?
>>24918301>>24918706Oh, I just remembered I wrote a similarly lascivious passage from the brother's point of view a while ago where he's the one fantasising about her (I have brain problems as you might've gathered so I full-on forgot about it) that leans /much/ heavier into the guilt aspect (and it's kind of weird so idk). They're sort of both just sitting there towards the end of the document at the moment (and a few other cream-pies spontaneous inspiration) waiting to be written around. I th9nk having that contrast might be interesting so I'll let all this feedback stew for a little while and do some proper editing when I catch up to it.
>>24918130Watch Hazbin Hotel to understand what a 12-14 year old coomer girl consider a funny engagement with sexuality.
>>24918301>>24919853Here it is. As I said, it's weird... It's pondering-the-aroma weird, and the prose .and it's kinda long so I don't expect you to read it, but I might as well post it if I've got it
