Hey guys, pls rate the start of my military sci-fi novel
you're like brandon sanderson if he used bad words
>>24974326It reminds me of the helldivers books. I hate the helldivers books.
>>24974326Kill yourself.
>>24974326People don't talk like this. Even in sci-fi novels.
Its pretty good but sexhavers disgust me so I would never read this.
It seems very modern in its writing, I don't know if that's what you're going for. I would also establish where they are in space in the beginning if this is a military sci-fi novel.Also, use the word "stifling" as that's a better word than sweltering, and I think you misspelled champagne as "Champaign".
Who the fuck drinks hot champagne?
Look, everyone's going to meme on you for this, and assuming you aren't trolling, you should know it's rather rough. But it's clear you're literate and want to tell a story, so let's see if we can't help you a bit. First, a lot of the narration here is straight exposition. It doesn't tell us a lot about the actual mood of the story at all. We're in an expensive military ship without a functioning AC, which is supposed to tell us that it's a bureaucratic military where anything inessential to warfighting is basically ignored. This is pretty much the most standard trope for US military popcorn fiction, especially anything post-Vietnam. It tells you that we're going to get something "gritty" and "realistic", but not dispiriting. Then, there's the dialogue between Sorento and Liska, which is so obviously coded as sexual tension that you can't even stop the characters from commenting on it. Very well, very well. Here's a question for you to critically consider: what do Liksa and Sorento actually like about each other? Is Liksa comely in a way that's at odds with a military setting? Is Sorento boyishly compensating for inexperience, or is he gruff and totally unphased by Liksa's teasing? Who are these people? How can you reveal that in ways that are interesting, in ways that reveal that you're paying attention and relaying something interesting to us? Likewise with the ship: it sucks that the AC is bipolar, but if this was an engineering fault, wouldn't it be well-known to the crew at this point? "You know, I said the fucking temperature was going to be a problem, and lo and behold, we're melting before we even see the enemy." If it's the particular location of the ship that's overheating the interior, the crew would be complaining about the ship's inability to block out the solar heat, not the AC.Last, "...who preferred to sulk and PRETEND they shouldn't just fuck and get it over with." Sulk and pretend are both infinitives here. Or you could write "who preferred to sulk, pretending that fucking was not in the immediate future." Or, even better, "Except Liksa and Sorento, who feigned confusion, pretending not to understand the LT's remark for the sake of their sexual tension."
>>24974354actual good advice wow. is this pre-2020 /lit/?
>>24974357Hey, I gave you actual advice >>24974342
>>24974354Your suggestions SUCK and clearly you took a very expensive CW course, understood the theory but still couldn't write by the end of it.It must be frustrating; not having the muse within you, I mean. Still, the emails you write for your generic white collar job must be very accomplished.
why would spearmint flavour be hard enough to crush someone's cock?
>>24974372Because a "spear" is "minted" with a steel tip. Fucking ESL
>>24974376wouldn't that create a piercing action instead of a crushing action? hmmmmmm
>>24974372Liksa is saying she is hard enough to crush sorento's cock. the real question is why he thinks she is soft for smoking a spearmint flavor vape, which is a relatively hard-person coded flavor in a world dominated by cotton candies, mangoes, tutti fruities, superceded only by tobacco flavor probably.
>>24974369Why don't you rewrite the piece above? Show me what you got.
>>24974354>Sulk and pretend are both infinitives hereNTA but what's wrong with using multiple infinitives in the same sentence?
>>24974354Definitely agree with the narration bit. You have to set the tone for the rest of the story with your introduction.
>>24974326>champaign
>>24974382Oh, nothing! What I mean is they say "to sulk" but then the next verb, they say "continue pretending". Who preferred to sulk and to continue pretending they shouldn't just fuck and get it over with. Who preferred to sulk and pretend they shouldn't just fuck to get it over with. The thing here is "pretend" is leaning on the same "to" as "sulk". When you add "continue" like the first sentence, it disrupts the parallelism (makes it annoying for the reader, impedes flow) and also makes "continue" too prominent in the sentence. I know this is kind of nitpicky, but this stuff adds up. It's best in a sentence to keep your verbs similar. Compare: It helps to delve in. It can help to try delving in. The first sentence, all things considered, is just more elegant imo.
>>24974389i see, thank you
>>24974326You are not me, stalker. Enjoy prison.
>>24974398What?
>>24974389Idk, sometimes having multiple infinitives can make a sentence better.>to be or not to be
Cringe as fuck. Feels like reading an SNL script written by pothead comedians in 15 minutes.
>>24974347Champaign is the brand name as in this universe all alcohol production has been annihilated and one company controls all of the supply now. that's pretty much the spine of the story
>>24974326As long as I get a chance as the reader insert to smell and lick Stanton's sweaty body after she's stripped out of her flight suit.
>>24974326This is terrible and you've never served
>>24974326Zoomer writing is well on track of rivaling Millennial writing.
>>24974838Why would they need a brand name if they are the only alcohol business???
I was ait
