I've written an account of my travels which lasted around six months. During this time, I tried to make myself as vulnerable as possible: hitchhiking, wild camping, sleeping in abandoned churches, travelling with no possessions etc. So that in my frail state I might enter a purely emotional state of being, and in doing so learn from my feelings more about what it is to be human, unobscured by thoughts polluted by the modern age. I'm deeply inspired by the Romantics like Wordsworth and my goal was to learn from all nature, incl my own self, as much about humanity as possible. This piece I wrote is the first finished piece of writing i've ever written and since it is such a peculiar piece I would really appreciate some feedback to really understand what sort of level it is at. I know most anons will squeal at the lack of irony and cynicism, it is purposefully earnest to the point it will put people off, but any feedback is appreciated. https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Np6ZWpuBUVRu7vErExCus2OVylaXezwX/view
>>24976958really bad lol. why did u even bother? should have just made a tiktok and put some emo music over your shitty trip pics
The difference between you and the Romantics is that they have the language facility to play with words and you don't have anything interesting going for your style phonetically, syntactically, or rhetorically. You pretty much regurgitate straightforward cliches in every line like "darkest night" and trite imagery like "the cheerful demeanor of babies". When you describe the Victorian plinth you use the verb "cradle" when talking about baby Cupids (like, is there any other verb or syntactical configuration you could think of than the most obvious verb to match with babies?) Also the way you unfold your images have little semantic gaps which create shoddy ambiguities rather than clarity of scene (indicative of ESL?): you walked through the market, then 'passed by' and came across the plinth- the spatial relations between both market and plinth are unclear- then you jump from plinth to "on top of the statue stood an angel", even though the plinth is the pedestal: in my mind I have a plinth, an unspecified statue, and an angel above that; then suddenly you bring up a fountain- where is this fountain in relation to the plinth? You have to figure out how to guide the reader's eye and be aware of how things connect: you are not James Joyce so you not skilled enough to create a purposefully impressionistic atmosphere and have it work (you need both stronger imagery and stronger consonance/assonance for that). Be extremely aware of the slightest nuances of every word you are using: when you use a modifier is it redundant? (is not darkness implicit in night?) when you transition to the next sentence have you set up enough for the transition to be smooth, and if it isn't smooth does it create a purposeful effect? Watch your prepositions: are their spatial configurations indicated correctly? Watch your pronouns or articles: do they index the correct subject or type of entity?
>>24977091Basically, have more fun with words and be more observational for god's sake! Stop trying to sound profound and focus on playing with words! Follow the Chekhovian dictum about showing a reader the light glittering on a broken bottle's neck instead of the moon. Here's an exercise for you: take your favorite book passages and reverse engineer a list of raw facts and observations needed to craft the paragraph. Like how in one paragraph of GR, Pynchon could specify that a breakfast table has a weak leg repaired with brown twine. Simply make a list of everything factual the author needed to know to write that paragraph, then do the same for your own writing. Put fact against fact and ask yourself whether you worked hard enough to choose the most unique, scene-defining fact, or whether you went for the most obvious comparison. Then ask yourself what you need to do to rectify those faults: do you need to observe harder and perhaps take pictures for reference so you can describe, say, the correct way the shadow falls upon fruit in the marketplace (can you describe the way a shadow falls upon, say, an orange? Can you describe the changes in color and texture? Do you have any striking metaphors or allusions to enhance the scene? Perhaps you can inject wordplay or a joke or a pun?), perhaps you need to do more historical research to find deeper connections in the setting. Whatever it is, the depth of your thought and your skill is insufficient.Read the following books: Sin and Syntax, Shakespeare's Use of the Arts of Language, Poetic Meter and Poetic Form, Metaphors We Live By. These give you the tools and vocabulary to analyze the form of texts you come across so you can replicate their techniques. Read more and analyze those forms and internalize them.
>>24977095Also really egregious grammatical errors like "strangers gazes" (supposed to be possessive) and awkward constructions like "reached an even greater extent of soulfulness" tells me you just need to get better at basic English in the first place. Peruse Sin and Syntax alongside a grammar book for that.
