First for RI

The day Wuxiaworld dies is the day the world becomes a better place

I’m better than all of you. I’m gonna make it.

>>24982329
post an excerpt

I'm better than all of you. I don't care if I make it.

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>>24982332

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Reminder to buy and support books that you read and enjoyed.

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>>24982329
Sorry, but I am /wng/ goat

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Lastly, an example of the first-page-of-a-chapter background coloration that is present in the first volume.

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>>24982332

>>24982237
>I was aiming for a conversational, recollection style. Is that a bad idea, then, or did I just execute it poorly? I worry that going too hard on "show, don't tell" is just as bad as telling too much, since storytelling is more than just transcribing audio/visual sequences. This was partially an experiment to this end.
You can make it work, but it's easier to do this thing in with a visual format backing it up. I get that whole 'This is the story of how I became the greatest hero' vibe from it, but again, that had the visuals of what being the greatest hero would look like with it. Remember, this is the very first thing your readers will see, so make sure it is indicative of what the rest of the story will be like. I'd probably nix it and try another opener to be frank.
>Do you think I shouldn't bother if the love interest is this ostensibly horrible person? And would that be because it's not "marketable" or because it's inherently uninteresting?
Horrible characters can work. Initial presentation will make or break them however, and this one doesn't make a good case for her. Since she's going to be a big part of the story, she's still going to have to be at least a bit likeable.
>Maya is big-gee God, becoming isolation-maddened, seeking death or sensation to cope with her situation as the only "real" person in existence.
>It's a story about suicidal depression and how lack of consequence warps the mind.
Her being Big G god is going to complicate your attempts to make her interesting, partially from baggage with that title, partially because being Big G means she shouldn't really have any limits. If she's omnipotent, people will ask why she simply doesn't decide to feel or die. If she's not omnipotent, people will ask if she's really god in that case. People will insert their own feelings about God before you've had a chance to characterize her. It's hard to write around basically. I'd say to make her more god-like being than Big G god, but it's still up to you at the end of the day.
>Does knowing that neither of these a dream sequences, that it's a cope by the narrator, change anything here? Or would it also count as non-competently written, either in general, or because it's too difficult to make the inference at this stage?
It's still not engaging because we the audience have the implication that it is a dream given to us immediately, and dreams are total intro killers. Unreliable narrator is one of the hardest methods to use because most people are not going to be reading between the lines unless you tell them. Another reason to pull the first section. I'd personally have the MC go through the sequence and then cope in the next chapter. That way you get the tension to hook people into reading further and the 'dream' itself, which can now be elaborated on a bit more, with some hinting otherwise.
Oh, and it's nice to see someone actually accept critisism gracefully, so cheers mate.

>>24982363
thats just writing what cholera is like

I want to do some kingdom building but I don't want to start from there. Maybe I could do an alternating temporal perspective from the beginning and from the present.

I am disappointed with the current state of cultivation novels. Most are just Chinese dramas instead of being stories primarily about cultivation. The western slop is even worse, western authors are unable to move past their gooner/harem conditioning and write genuine adventure story let alone anything related to cultivation. The world of fiction is dead to me.

>>24982430
wtf is cultivation?

Meditating while your video game stats improve?

>>24982436
Comprehending the Dao.

>>24982436
It's No Nut November but you get super powers for it.

>>24982430
You mean western cultivation authors? Very odd statement when so many Chinese cultivation stories have jade like harems.
>>24982436
yes

>>24982350
gay tranny energy

>>24982430
>>24982455
Anon is just in a bit of a denial about cultivation novels. They have always been about the harem. The good ones just so happen to be good AND have a harem at the same time. A good cultivation novel that doesn't have a harem of any kind is rarity, it has never been any sort of standard.

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I haven't read any. Except Coiling Dragon where its used as a punishment for the girl who rejected the MC.

>>24982476
That's like the quintessential cultivation novels so you are pretty much covered on all fronts, it has a bit of everything including good old NTR

>>24982455
Harems are a part of traditional Chinese drama. I don't like it but it's sort of a valid excuse for the Chinese authors, however harems aren't part of the western culture, western authors on the other hand fail at western culture, fail at chinese culture, fail at cultivation, fail at everything except harem and goon stuff.

What web novel has the best harem/goon material? I want something all about the harem.

>>24982489
Harems are failure.

>>24982460
Weird newfag post. Thanks for the bump.

>>24982489
> Harems are a part of traditional Chinese drama.
Only those dramas that feature the emperor or the ruling elite. It was abnormal to the masses.

When you were courting beauties, I studied the Dao.

When you were “dual cultivating”, I studied the Dao.

While you wasted your days at the “pleasure palace” in pursuit of vain mortal desires, I studied the Dao.

And now that the realm is on fire and the demonic hordes are at the gate, you have the audacity to come to me for help?

>>24982526
I got the golden finger, may dao is the beauty cultivation system.
Your dao is one among then thousands while mine is unique in the myriad worlds.

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>>24982551
>I got the golden finger, may dao is the beauty cultivation system.
>Your dao is one among then thousands while mine is unique in the myriad worlds.
Let me guess. Only your extreme yang rod could cure the ice queen jade beauty (sect leader’s daughter btw) of her extreme yin disease?

>>24982555
You ridiculed me and stole my fiance when my spirit root was crippled, but an old man in a ring taught me the way of the flower thief immortal.

Since the /wng/ sect is here, I have a question for you lot. At what point do guns become ineffective in cultivation land?

>>24982574
Foundation establishment as the maximum believable point, anything higher than that is just stupid

>>24982574
A mortal with a gun is eclipsed by even the weakest cultivator.

Cultivators can use whatever weapons they want. You could use a rock or a piece of paper or a banjo and still kill gorillions in a single strike, provided that you have sufficient cultivation.

>>24982574
at no point except the author's decision

ngl, this cultivation shit is dumb as hell, and reeks of literal dick measuring. I suppose thats a fantasy amongst asians, lmao

>reads a story about challenging fate and the will of heaven
>thinks about dicks

>>24982351
and he appointed Tina-anon... as vice-goat. So there. (sticks tongue out)
sorry kino-anon, I couldn't help having some fun.

>>24982436
go to google box. Type in "what does cultivation mean in writing". That's how I learned what isekai is. Works on all japchink vocabulary words you see in WN land.

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>>24982715
to be fair penis represents the desire to pierce the heavens

>>24982574
Heavenly laws prevent advanced technology from working.

>>24982574
at the wuxia tier

How do you building a decent hook / inciting incident when your protagonist is an isekai'd child stuck at home? I feel like I need at least 15 chapters where the villain can reveal their hand AND the protagonist has a chance to not just die.

Context:
>reborn as a 4-year-old into a noble family
>practically stuck at home all day, only interaction is with tutors/family
>villain only has enough reason to care after the child starts crafting Earthly inventions
>first incident is villain trying to murder the child (the child survives due to an unexpected combination of factors that could only come about after over a year in the world)
I can add some tension by having the villain terrorize the family a bit, but I still can't push it early enough to create a satisfying villain.

Ultimate AGP slop.

protag gets truck-kuned.
total loser irl
goes to isekai land as a cute petite girl

A few questions
does "she" still have a penis for sexu scene purposes?
op at the start or op after 10 chapters?

>>24982785
You should only reveal villain after no less than 200 chapters.

>>24982793
I know you're joking, but the point is not to reveal the villain, but to create a hook earlier with the villain.

>>24982795
does it really make sense to hamfist a villain in for a baby protag?
the reborn as a baby stories i know take their time worldbuilding and character building with a slice of life start. rushing seems bad

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First chapter was uploaded to RR less than 40 days ago and it already is making more than 3k on Patreon. How?

>>24982795
Don't let the mc invent anything (or at least allow those inventions to spread in the world) before he is at least 18 yo.
I do not want to read another garbage anime story about 10 yo main protagonist who is a actually a middle aged person from earth but who still somehow has an intellectual and emotional maturity of a 5 year old going against big bad villain who control the entire world. Such stories are dumb af.

>>24982820
kind of campy looking, but the chicken in the foreground and the look on the chicken's face is hysterical. I mean, I'm not looking for archmage stories, but if I was that's bait to click on it and see.

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WE need more straight shouta WNs

>>24982820
Another Frieren ripoff perhaps? The 2 best rated ongoing stories on RR that are earning the most on Patreon in relation to the number of days since their first chapter was uploaded are Max Level Archmage and this one. Almost identical Frieren-like synopsis.

>>24982789
I had to look up AGP as I was unfamiliar with this acronym. Allow me to share:
"... where their rhetoric is that being transgender is actually not about the gender identity , but a fetish you want to live 24/7. It is most commonly used by TERFS... and in fact I have not seen anyone else use it. I have met some TERFS in my days and let me just say that..."
And so, back to the person that said AGP.
it would seem (you) use a term that only feminist women use. Well, there goes your opinion discarded.

>>24982350
the cover on book 2 is nice. the character art is a bit deviantart tier but the rest of it suits the story well
>>24982360
this is nice

>>24982820
>First chapter was uploaded to RR less than 40 days ago and it already is making more than 3k on Patreon. How?
this happens at least once a month wdym "How?"
it's not even an edge case

>>24982820
I read 2 chapters. Mc is like a 10 thousand year old wizard and he can't even speak properly and is uncomfortable around other people. It's trying to capitalize on the "autism" crowd, those people are an easy target.

>>24982798
I had a good beta reader tell me that I'd lose readers if I hinted SoL at the start, then 'bait-and-switched' once the action starts building up, but that I wouldn't hook those readers if I started SoL. We're talking 50k-60k words before the first major incident.

>>24982826
My protag has a genuine reason to know stuff (and they are simple chemical processes that can be made with household ingredients), and keeps her emotional maturity. In fact, gets called out by her mother for being too suspect, then spends the rest of the time dominating conversations with other little noble girls for the greater good (her personal goals).

Speaking of
https://graphtreon.com/creator/ArcaneCadence
The origin of this archmage trend is in patreon freefall
Any readers know why? What happened?
Is it just Sleyca v2?

>>24982820
AIrchmage; it's meta right now.

>>24982876
saudi prince bankrolling the whole thing got bored

>>24982876
The story has a decent hook but 0 payoffs. The story is an emotional flat line. Readers probably just got too bored to pay for it.

>>24982880
How do I get a Saudi prince to bankroll my web novel?

>>24982883
>Readers probably just got too bored to pay for it.
Well it's still one of the biggest patreons on the site, I was wondering if there was a specific decision or event. I guess the drop is tapered so probably not

>>24982886
by eating their Dubai chocolate of course!

>>24982875
>female protag
I am so sorry, I didn't know.
You can pretty much write anything desu, like femc fighting the big bad villain in chapter 3. Logic and reasoning are irrelevant in stories with femcs, just make sure you add tons of drama and romance, and don't worry about the plot too much.

>>24982890
everything that spikes the way that story did eventually comes down and stabilizes at a more sustainable but usually still very high income

>>24982897
as long as the romance isn't with a man, of course

Is Max Level Archmage going to go crazy on Amazon like it did every other site?
Or will the normie audience have better taste?

>>24982826
>I do not want to read another garbage anime story about 10 yo main protagonist who is a actually a middle aged person from earth but who still somehow has an intellectual and emotional maturity of a 5 year old going against big bad villain who control the entire world. Such stories are dumb af.
this implies you read one. This implies people read these.People rip on harem, but people read it.

>>24982867
>It's trying to capitalize on the "autism" crowd, those people are an easy target.
you don't say

>>24982910
>People rip on harem, but people read it.
People "read" everything, but if we're talking about what's actually popular, harem isn't. It has a cult following minority but for the most part it's a major liability tag that turns away 90% of RR readers

>>24982915
everything turns away 90% of RR readers

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>>24982910
I don't.
>>24982915
There's so many fanfic sections that are nothing but haremtrash and I'm sick of it.

>>24982915
>People "read" everything, but if we're talking about what's actually popular, harem isn't. It has a cult following minority but for the most part it's a major liability tag that turns away 90% of RR readers
thanks for the scoop. I just heard the term so much bandied about here, you'd think it was a thing. I see it *was* a thing. good looking out, anon. have a (you).

>>24982910
I watched the anime.

I need a plot that conveniently allows my MC to enlighten the isekai world with precision machining, modern chemistry, bombs, guns, and all sorts of other things that’ll get your dog shot.

My idea was that the god of Earth sends out randoms to conquer other planets or else their family (or the entire Earth) gets it. Maybe there’s a system too.

>>24982907
what do you mean by 'go crazy'?
>>24982867
how do you define autism? this word gets thrown around so often and so inconsistently these days that i'm starting to doubt the meaning is the same as the last time i asked google to define it

>>24982916
yeah, the litrpg tag turns away 90% of RR for sure

>>24982930
True. I think the meta is to have no tags at all.

>>24982924
>what do you mean by 'go crazy'?
groundbreaking unprecedented success like it saw on RR, I guess

>>24982924
A grown man (thousands of years old) having difficulty with social interactions is autism

>>24982123
I was surprisingly productive today, given I'm ill, but now I'm calling it quits.
I've discovered a crazy hack that makes it super easy to slop out word count...

Yeah I found it pretty compelling. There's a few small grammar mistakes that can be cleaned up, and the avante-garde blank character posting
>There's .
Is irritating at first, but given the macabre horror that follows, I'll forgive it (you had better be going somewhere with it, though).

Here's what this excerpt leads me to expect: backstory on the main character, backstory on Maya Wells, and backstory on how she became an immortal God character. Why does she want to die? Why did she start off so aggro? Why did she think 14 hours would be enough for humanity to figure out how to kill her? Why is she so powerful?

You've also semi-promised info on why the MC/POV character is antisocial (not asocial), yet manages to grieve with his family.

Honestly it's better than most of the RS first chapters I skim when I'm tired. I actually read the entire thing and I'd click the next chapter button to see where it's going. Good job, anon.

>>24982384
Anon we need to be honest: that's the writer's barely disguised fetish.
GRRM is a freak.

>>24982924
>how do you define autism? this word gets thrown around so often and so inconsistently these days that i'm starting to doubt the meaning is the same as the last time i asked google to define it
when i say it covers a wide specrum, I'm making a joke (har dee harr harr *snort*) sorry couldn't help it. But seriously, anything from full on idiot savant rain man, to a person who is just a little shy and/or awkward. Back in the day, calling someone a "retard" has been replaced with calling them autistic. Me, I'm not looking to show how successful I am socially, I get my self confidence from within and not without. You give me a choice to sit and talk with an unknown new person at some big get together? One is a loud confident "me alpha" jerk. The other, just a little shy and quiet. I'll draw out the quiet person and I enjoy their quirky take on things. I'm not socially dishonest, but most are whether they know it or not. Wuman are worse than men at this, but men are catching up as they turn into fags these day. Just my opinion.

>>24982956
you've got to take conversation classes or something man

>>24982959
it's tina

>>24982953
>Anon we need to be honest: that's the writer's barely disguised fetish.
>GRRM is a freak.
thaks for the image. I see his young hottie art hoes cos he's rich? shitting in the yard then scootching their ass along the grass like a dog. Anon, I need your IRL address, just so I can send you my therapy bill.

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>>24982876
Bro check your y-axis, that's not freefall at all. That's barely a dip. I'm still doing perfectly fine on patreon.

Don't forget to subscribe!

>>24982963
and I dint even use the
>
filter. my heart leaps like a gazelle when a fan recognizes me.cheers, anon. coffee and work on my chapter now. I'll pop in on my next break, I just know you'll be counting the moments. Don't ever change.

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>>24982947
>A grown man having difficulty with social interactions is autism
Yeah haha what a mentally ill freak, right? niggas reading that sure got awful taste haha i'd never write or read anything with a protag like. no way. i'm not like that in the least.

>>24982971
people criticizing you aren't fans you dumb narcissist
have you noticed that you aren't the only person who reacts to criticism with that response? it's a self absorbed behavior
instead of being an annoying cunt and hiding behind an ego, take people always criticizing you as indication that you should change

>>24982973
It's autism.

>haha what a mentally ill freak, right?
Projecting.

>>24982980
>take people always criticizing you as indication that you should change
all people do in any 4chan thread is criticize. there are no personalities at all that anons don't sperg out over

>>24982956
if you post on 4chan the way you write stories, i don't want to read you. damn ranting and rambling, man, you went over the top with the nonsense.

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>>24982980
Bro you're feeding the troll.
Just hide and ignore the posts you don't like.
Better yet work on your next chappie.

>>24982984
it's one thing to get stray comments. it's another to get something every single time you post anything
I don't think I've ever seen a poster than can be acting normal yet still be so damn annoying

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>>24982982
>Projecting
m-m-me? projecting?! nigga, no way!

>>24982991
Somehow that guy is constantly feeding trolls while complaining about trolls. Complete lack of self awareness

>>24982923
I think an actually smart god would spin it as "hey X, [thing/person you care about] has already been [lost/damned/etc], but you can [save it/them] if you do this thing"

>>24982993
Survivorship bias

it's obvious to me by now that my special attack naming sense is my strongest suite, i need to contrive a change to my magic system to justify people using the baseline mechanics to make retarded contrived "stronger than the components" special attacks

>>24983005
what's your favorite special attack name?

>>24982973
anon. look around you at what passes for so called normal in many cases. if thst's normal? I don't wanna be. and any one's free to take that how they want.
I gave my present protag a pinch of problems with other kids as a young kid. He late bloomed and became a quiet hard ass. I searched to find just the right name, I hate generic names and I get tired of the power names (Mike Hammer, Lightning Jack, et al) My protag's unassuming but unique name, literally translates to "hard ass" or "tough guy". All these years later, I looked up "Dai-San" (final volume title in the Sunset Warrior trilogy, MC's final title). It literally means "change" as in "the big change". I figure if I did what Eric van Lustbader did, I at least did something right for once. "Lustbader" must translate to "I'm fucking awesome" or something, lol.

>>24983007
Five Finger Fist Heart Sword

Fate Vanquish is kino as well

>>24982997
Autism, etc. It's been a problem on internet forums since before 4chan.org was created.

>>24982980
>people criticizing you aren't fans you dumb narcissist
no shit, Sheerluck. You've stumbled upon yet another crime. Despite my many shortcomings, I'm not stupid despite rumors quite to the contrary.
> have you noticed that you aren't the only person who reacts to criticism with that response?
its called being unique, you should try it sometime
>it's a self absorbed behavior
better than being absorbed in whatever makes you tick
> instead of being an annoying cunt and hiding behind an ego
armchair pop psychologists. never fails to kill me. I liked it better when normies stuck to bitching about football.
>take people always criticizing you as indication that you should change
yeah, Sheerluck. sure thing. I'll get a focus group right on that. I mean, you're so eloquent and insightful, how could I not.
(exit strategy)
"Hey, anon. Look. a cute drunk chick. I think she's giving you the eye, buddy. (wink) go work your magic."

>>24982988
>if you post on 4chan the way you write stories
if...

>>24983024
half of those responses don't connect to what you're responding to. as usual, utter nonsense
this is probably a good exercise for you. you have such a disjunctive mind. in every example of you posting, you struggle to connect A to B, even within the connective tissue of your own sentences and ideas. directly breaking down and addressing the ideas in another person's statement one by one might help you learn to talk

>>24983007
that's a tough one
first one to pop into my head was

>SECOND SPOKE OF THE BREAKING WHEEL: CRUCIFIXION UPON THE PYRE TREE

>>24983035
get a grip

>>24983035
i like tina more than you honestly

>>24983029
I relax and allow myself to dumb down when on 4chan, but I'm Hemingway levels of serious when I write. Just like everyone else, no?

Currently I focus on a sense of whimsy when I write, but my next fiction is going to be rule of cool thriller drama so I'll change my playlist to something else. Maybe NEFFEX.

>>24983057
>takes writing seriously
Not gonna make it as a web slopper, I'm afraid

>>24983052
I like him more than tina so it evens out

me deciding who I like more between two posters I want to rope

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>took a day off sick
>let my caffeine tolerance reset for just one day
>next day only had one energy drink
>wrote almost 6.5k words just chilling
Damn.
Sadly I'm not even done with the penultimate fight of the story but I'm going to clear that up tomorrow in one chapter, a flashback scene, and then boom we're moving ahead to the final fight.
If I'm lucky I'll finish the entire book tomorrow and meet my goal for the year.

You all can do it too!
Ganbare!

>>24983161
would

If you’re supposed to cut everything that’s not advancing the plot then why should any story be more than a few hundred words long?

>>24983234
go back to /wg/, fag

>>24983234
Pretty extreme way to look at it. You can perfectly have a 2-3k chapter that's strictly story/plot. I've done a few 500-800 word chapters here and there myself, but I don't actively try to aim for big numbers like the 2-3k or whatever.

>>24983243
Oh yeah that is where the real writers are not this slop trash.

>>24983255
>big numbers like the 2-3k
this thread is so funny man

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>>24983262
i'm glad I could amuse you my man

>>24983260
easily seen through, throws a tantrum
yeah you belong in /wg/ for sure

>>24983255
One extreme is a proper outline. Or perhaps a synopsis. Cliff's notes, that gives you the framework and important signposts of the story. You can read Cliff's notes and pass the test. You can appear as if you read the story for most purposes. Some added notes make sure you get the advanced ideas you might miss even when reading the whole text the first time around. I ask you, is this not the essentials. Then the other end of the spectrum is the whole story, particularly a longer one if its engaging to the reader. Kill your darlings! Slaughter your darlings! Strip that down. That shit means something to you, the reader doesn't need that. if you want to walk ten miles, which is more fun. An actual ten like walk, where you see and hear and smell many things other than just covering the necessary distance to say without lying, I have indeed walked ten miles. Or is it better to walk in a quarter mile circle, forty times. hey, you killed your darlings. Whats smelling that fragrant clover got to do with advancing the plot, huh. The plot is to walk ten miles. No one cares you heard a novel birdsong. if you can't see the difference, then you just don't get it. A long and detailed classical music sonata. With an intro and different parts and musical argument, that finally provides true resolution to that musical argument. That, is beauty. That, is art. but no. Kill those darlings. Dont bore us, get to the chorus. No intro! No after (coda) piece! Three minutes is too long, less. That's not "art", that's cliff's notes.

>>24983260
>Oh yeah that is where the real writers are not this slop trash.
then why would you not seek to be there, grasshopper. Go, and be at peace. You ask, whence comes the demon of loneliness. I tell you, to look to your feet.

Two musicians were have a friendly argument back and forth online. One was of the opinion that short direct pieces, with one main element (theme)and the necessary supporting elements. That was best. The other pointed out the beauty in longer more detailed pieces. multiple contrasting themes, and the many different but clearly related bits from combining them in different novel ways. An intro to provide "weight" to the sonata, and the thrilling conclusion when theme B recognized its weaker stance, and suddenly thrust what it had to offer behind the Stronger A theme. All in triumphant home key now. TRUE though, powerful pieces like Hall of the Mountain King are short and awesome. Theolder musician chimed in. The musical piece will be as long or as short as it needs to be. One monothematic approach "hall of the mountain king" or the longer and much moee detailed and varied Beethoven work. No rules.
> (yeah its me, here's your filter)
the chapter, will be as long or as short as it needs to be to accomplish its purpose. The book will again, be as long as it needs to be or as short. There's a place for it all. All this within reason and the boundaries of good taste, of course. Some very famous novels have had a few incredibly short chapters and some long ones. I'm not aware of any famous novel that had identical length chapters that everyone raved about. Why is the proper length, such an issue. Some famous paintings were quite small, others quite large. They're both beautiful and detailed. if people like it when its done, that's all that matters.

>>24983161
OP image. Dont mind if i do, ma'am. And my, what large fluffy ears you have. I do hope its the better to hear me with.

>>24983294
thanks tina, very cool. excuse me as I slam another shot of my suntory whiskey,

>>24983035
in a rare moment of directness, I'll give you a mercifully short explanation. No ego, no humor. No... glib. You, are actually the self absorbed one. You like things, and demand I do them the way you like them done. I know why, too. You like what you like, and you demand it. You are used to getting your way with your pressures you put out. WHen you get what you want, you... are happy. Well I tell you. I can fake and mask and hide. Yeah, I know how to do it. But it takes all the fun and joy out of things for me. Your wy, you get everything you want, and I get nothing I like. Who is the selfish and self centered one, I ask you. As a child, we were (once) taught to ignore things we dont like, not to throw tantrums to always get OUR way. I dont condemn what I don't like or even hate for the most part. I ignore it. I refuse to never experience fun so you can have all you can stand. Share, or play on the other side of the room, anon. You have more friends gathered over there? Fine by me. That's all. I guess back to the chapter I'm enjoying working on, and I have coffee to check on. Plug your ears, I'll interject its pumpkin spice. Oh, the horror I inflicted upon you.
> (there I go again)
grow up.
Its a big dance hall, and yeah. I dance funny.
I'd conclude to get over it, but get over yourself, and get out of your own way. Is this all so insane of a concept. to you, I suppose it is.

>>24983169
would only once? anon, the proffered energy drink. you'd be good for at least two.think of it as a Beethoven fuck. "Difficult second movement", heh heh heh

>>24983352
I actually make my own whiskey, and age it myself. Shh, don't tell anyone.

>>24983260
Yes retard. That's what we've been trying to tell you fags forever now.

real writers have no readers
go to /wg/ for more info

>>24983418
extremely true
t. posted his work on wg and wng with no real crit

>>24983453
you have 10 minutes to post a chapter or excerpt
if you do so in that time I'll /crit/ you

Ela opened the compartment and slit off his balls. Computer, did you see that?
"I am all-watching, Ela"

>>24983454
Okay here you go https://rentry.co/aw9f5n33
not finished, but its what I've been working on today

>>24983414
>Yes retard. That's what we've been trying to tell you fags forever now.
why would you choose to be here then. why not go where you like things. You like the ballet there, why stay and complain we enjoy the charleston. What conclusion could I draw from why you stay.

>>24983472
Because his thread is deader than shit.

>>24983472
Jesus fuck your reading comprehension

>>24983469
Second party here.
Here's the problem: there's very little hook here. It's a decent enough mech fight, and in medias res is a powerful way to start, but it's a bit too divorced from a typical readers' experience for the fight to go on as long as it does, with as much jargon as it does, and without a real sense of space we're inhabiting.
An establishing shot would go a long way. So would something to give emotional weight to what's happening. I know it seems like a good idea to leave it as a bit of a mystery to be fed to the reader later, but I've found audiences don't like having basic information about characters and the setting left for later. They'd prefer to know who's who, what's what, and where's where more up front.
Some of the conflict can be extrapolated from what you've written, but I'd like to know more up front about where they are, why they're there, and why it matters to the MC. Jasmine is dead: who were they and why does that matter. Does it matter? It seemed to matter more to the boss guy.
Why are they fighting? Why did they wind up encircled, and why not just retreat?
What are the team's relationships? I can't feel bad about one of them dying if I don't know them, first.
Finally: you named a character Frenda. They had better be cut in half at some point. If not, rename them.
Other than what I said, clean up your typos and grammar a bit, and it's a decent in medias res start. If it's not a start, then I hope everything I mentioned above is explained earlier. Consider looking at Starship Troopers for how the battle scenes are described and how they work with what the reader knows at the time they read the battle scene.

>>24983488
this i about the 4th chapter in the story, but I really appreciate the input regardless

>>24982820
Archmage but male. A story for everyone who read and liked Max Level Archmage but can't into female MC, which is a surprisingly large amount of people
it also has the fucking chicken and people love that shit

>>24983495
Make sure all your chappies end on a cliff. ABC!
Always
Be
Cliffing!

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42 KB PNG

>>24983488
>>24983511
also want to add: I am reading Stranger in a stranger land (uncut,currently pg 223), and have starship troopers on the way, also have moon is a harsh mistress hardcover on my next to read after stranger in a strange land. have ordered on the whim romance of the three kingdoms and war and peace hardcover editions, will read all of these after redevendous with ramas.

>>24983454
https://files.catbox.moe/9eekkh.txt
one from me, for anyone that wants to crit my writing.

>>24983513
I liked stranger in a stranger land. good choice.

>>24983528
>There can't be many emotions that I didn't experience a least once and like as not most of them many times over the course of what I'll call an hour and I use that figure with great euphemism.
jfc

>>24983530
im really thorougly enjoying it so far, but I won't like as a 30yo, I still struggle to understand some of Heinlin's 50 context, but I feel—and hope—I can capture his vision of the future in 1959 Hysertica America. I was kinda blindslinded by the first person when I cracked open moon is a harsh mistress—but I won't let that stop me from apeing him. I already feel completely outscoped and outleveled by 1959 Stranger in a Strange Land Heinlin, but I'll try not to get distracted by Moon Mistress or even Starship troopers Heinlin. It really just depends how fast I can finish this second draft vs how fast I can read througfh Heinlin.

>>24983537
Am i are of stroke?

>>24983528
I'm running out of mental energy, so here's some feelings
>the weird talking to himself babbling is unpleasant, I didn't like it
>the trannyism is way overspent in 2025/2026. That might have been edge back in 2012 and celebrated in 2015, now it's passé. It was actually uncomfortable to have the guy put the explicitly young girl body on a pedestal rather than complain how weak and frail it is
>I skimmed ahead and the dude resolved to do something, but there's no hook, I'm emotionally unhooked. Why should I care about this? The above two points jerked me out of the narrative, or not really, because there was no narrative up to that point, just literary masturbation which is again passé
>apparently at the end kids are touching each other, bro that's just weird. I skimmed to the end and that's just fucking weird man.

Anyway take it to ao3 but I warn you Monster Slut is a huge hit over there so you would need to pare your shit way way down. If you want to write literary smut, I recommend Sissekai for how to do it (protip, first write an MMO story, then weave the fetish in. Don't do it the other way around)

>>24983469
this is a bit uncomfortable to read without context because of the proper noun slop. I'll assume that this isn't an issue and that you provide context in previous chapters
on a prose level, it's fine. I was struggling with some white room stuff but again, assuming there's previously supplied context. there's some minor issues with antecedents
>As he reached the crater’s edge, he used it like a ramp and made flight, but kept his profile low enough to avoid sharpshooters. They maintained this formation for at least several kilometers.
what is "this formation" referring to here? I assume the previously mentioned low profile, but that's referred to under a singular "he"
there's another moment like this but I didn't note it
the pace is really brisk and the psychic distance is pretty far. not a bad thing, is what it is. however with little metaphor and description, this style of prose needs really clear and engaging narrative content. which I think is lacking
narratively it's a bit difficult to communicate this chapter's function and appeal. protag reports status and gets sent on a mission, encounters combat. I felt some dissonance with the death report. it's a bit grave and somber but then the commander wags a finger, feels unintentionally dissonant. further, I'm not sure how to take the combat encounter itself. there psychic distance shifts to be closer and the prose becomes more descriptive. this conveys intensity and gravity. but I'm not left with an impression of atmosphere. there's mention of another character's bravery and valor, which makes the combat feel low stakes and more grandiose than threatening. I'm just sorta left confused on the mood and intention of the scene
it reads O K. as a slopper, I don't think there's anything wrong with super simple prose, and your actually show some control over your prose when you zoom into the combat (which I thought read alright. a tad muddy and unclear), but I feel as though there's a lack of guiding intent. I don't get a sense there's anything to be interested in or engage with. no moment to moment experience of visuals or emotion or wordplay and no narrative elements of stakes or drama or suspense
the reason you don't get replies is probably because it's bland. if you want effective feedback you'll probably need to let people know what specifically you want to work on

>>24982731
This.

>>24983567
interesting feedback . . . I will have to see what my one(one)(I)(Uno) alpha human interface has to say on this, assumiong he ever reads this far into the draft I sent to him on botnet. Than you anon; because the only true other alternative I have is AI like Claude.