>>25121093
If you are actually talking about yourself in this poem (fragment?), then yes that is very pretentious. It seems vain, boastful. Maybe it's better in context. Aside from that, the metaphors are quite direct and generic. There is no meter. It doesn't rhyme and you don't seem to be giving much thought to the way the words sound. You could get away with any one of these things if you were strong in the others.

>>25121093
You're trying to be smart while also being very cliche. You used the phrase 'free like the birds' Leonard Skinnerd used essentially the same phrase in one of the most popular songs of the last 55 years. You're actually less creative than a 70s rockband from northern Florida.

>>25121093
>free like the birds
Yea stick to vidya

>>25121093
I don't mind people talking about themselves, pumping themselves up with pride, but this looks like what a Andrew Tate is doing, to take a modern example.

Andrew Tate tries to imitate the pride and self-confidence of someone rich and accomplished, but he does this by having the most horrendous taste in everything and by constantly seeking attention and approval from the masses.

The problem with your 'poem' is that it's simply very bad, I don't feel any pride in these lines, I don't feel any beauty that you might see in yourself in these lines, in other words the dissonance is this : you say you are great, you say you are grand, but the lines themselves, in aspect and aesthetics, don't convey this *at all*

I'd say, try to rewrite something like this with more focus on you and less on mankind; see, you say Manking is 'afraid', 'freezes up', 'becomes motionless' when contrasted with you, but you did not spend enough time building a grand you within the text itself:
>I am free like the birds
bland and boring, 'free' necessitates an explanation, it is such a loaded word, that if the word is used as is without built up, it will come across as empty. You need to describe what being like a bird actually means, you need to say that no one can catch, that you are elegant, that you see everything with piercing clarity of the open sky in which you swim, something like that; build up yourself, only then can you treat of others, otherwise it comes across as pure vanity: manifesting the opinion of others to justify your own

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>>25121093
i think the problem is you have no confidence in your own taste. who are these 'others' whose judgement you're so affected by? a natural part of being a writer is a deep sense of contempt for most other writers and readers. all you need to do is read more poems by writers you personally admire, and thereby strengthen your own style and sensibility. the opinions of random anons are completely worthless; 99% of this board is aesthetically braindead.

>>25121093
No sense of rhythm. I presume the metrical irregularities are intentional, but you succeed in using them. It's basically just prose. You should try writing with a regular metre. It wont fix your untrained ear for rhythm, but it will be easier for you to write something with some rhythmic life.

>>25121227
>but you succeed in using them.
*DON'T succeed in using them

>>25121227

I don't understand what rhythm is. Any poem I read looks the same. Can you give an example of rhythm?

>>25121093
your problem is that it has no rhythm, and is very predictable

go beyond just the meaning of the words, and focus on trying to make the reader enter a trance

>>25121255
>I don't understand what rhythm is
speak the words out loud,
rhythm comes from sound

>>25121255
For one the repetition of he is arhythmical
When (1) he (2) sees (3) me (4), he (5) freezes(6-7) up (8) like (9) ice (10). (pause could be a beat so 11 or 12) He (12/13)

So you have "he" on:
2
5
11/12

Either use another word or try to make it align so it's intentional.

>>25121325
This sentence especially
>He becomes motionless like a statue
Feels like it doesn't flow with the rest, because it has even more repetition of the word "he", and it's on a prime number (13)

Obviously you don't have to think this deeply when you write it, like this anon says >>25121317

Just say it out loud and see if it flows

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>>25121255
this excerpt from a wallace stevens poem about a bird might help

>>25121093
>he freezes up like ice. He becomes motionless like a statue
Trite, cliche, garbage.

>>25121093

>"I am a pearl in the tropics,
You are unique and exotic.
>I am free like the birds,
We already know birds are free.
>Mankind is afraid of the sight of me,
Are pearls and birds scary?
>When he sees me, he freezes up like ice. He becomes motionless like a statue."
You are so redundant.
Freezes up like ice?
Motionless like a statue?

Explaining obvious things and using the same metaphor twice. Bravo.
We know ice is frozen. We know statues are motionless.
It is more impactful when you don't explain, as in your first verse, which is your best.

Do you see why this is bad? I know you can.

You are not respecting poetry or even your own capabilities by thinking this is the best you can do.

Taking away your redundancies, this poem is:

"I am a pearl in the tropics
Mankind stands in awe of me"

Which could serve as a dialogue of a vain character in a play. It could also be comical in the right context.
Your poem is lazy.

Try to understand why Shakespeare has been and will be remembered for centuries and your poem will not be even remembered by yourself.

Read what 'metric' is in an encyclopedia. At least try to understand what a iambic pentameter is, which should be very simple if you actually apply yourself.

>>25121093
You’d make a good songwriter I guess. For a crooner who doesn’t rhyme.

>>25121093
"Like" too many times.

heres my attempt at egomaniac:

I've lost some battles:
I didn't write those down.
I lie around sun bleached facts
Say there are two of them when it's only one
And still you'll be looking for the angles
Of a circle
Because I just can't be wrong about forms.
If I'm ever caught with a smoking gun
I'll simply put it in the fridge
You will go from an exposing piece
To ten commandments of my choice.
The world spins despite my sleep:
Don't let this travesty be more than
A last page whisper.

>>25121662
I mean that's pretty good :3

>>25121093
my attempt on your theme:

For I am a pearl in the tropics,
Pristine in a lucid green world,
Or the bird that descends to those waters,
And drinks deep with bright wingtips unfurled,
And the man who through trembling grasses
Catches sight of my alien form,
He knows not why he stands there unmoving
Cold as ice in a jungle so warm.

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>>25121093
>I am free like the birds
I guess you thought long and hard to come up with that phrase.
I've never heard anything like it before.
Future generations will remember you for that phrase.

>Mankind is afraid of the sight of me,
pic related

>>25121093
your writing sucks because it's free verse. you should write a poem that RHYMES and SCANS.

>>25121255
"when i do count the clock that tells the time"

>>25121093
>Identify my major malfunction in my writing.
You're writing poetry, retard.

>>25121093
>"I am a poop in the toilets
>I am pee like the turds.
>Men came afraid of the shit of me,
>When he pees me, he pisses pee like ice. The bee cum ocean is like a statue."

>>25121093
>When he sees me, he freezes up like ice. He becomes motionless like a statue."
>
Did you emphasize this with redundancy for the sexual innuendo? Mankind is so "afraid" of you. UwU

>>25121377
>Try to understand why Shakespeare has been and will be remembered for centuries and your poem will not be even remembered by yourself.
But the Abrahamic religions stole from other stories and they are still remembered, as where the original stories are forgotten, lol.

Are we rating each others' poetry here? If so, here's mine:
>I fard
>I shid
>Black mixed race south east asian woman periods tampons white men afro hair tired eggless cant be bothered to shave cats white men hormones white men

Can i get some genuine critique on this ?

The rain brought with it old memories
Of sunny days and sweet reveries
On our future and what it holds
how our children would look like, we'll never know

What lies we've told, what truth we've buried
As to our parting I can say that it was hurried
And the pain that lingers and gnashes the soul
How young we were, too brash and bold

The drumming of waters hitting the ground
The smell of the earth and the sweet serenading sound
Takes my being to a place no more found
But in that place shall I seek
A moments respite when days are bleak

>>25121093
>he freezes up like ice. He becomes motionless like a statue
these similitudes are so banal even a 5 year old child would probably come up with something more interesting if prompted
I was going to suggest reading more, but if you made to adult age and you can't instantly sense what is wrong with what you wrote it's likely that mother nature didn't give you the proper equipment for writing well and unfortunately reading more can't fix that.

Title: mesterpiece
Subtitle: confirmed
-
Right on the outskirts of Zanzibar are the outskirts of Zanzibar.
Someone closed the door and ate the rusty key.
How do we even know there was a rusty key and a door and Zanzibar.
Blarg?

>>25122576
Well, then the Bible was properly written, and the original stories were not so.
That is my point.

>>25122965
Ok that is actually good tho.
Lol.

>>25123226
>Well, then the Bible was properly written, and the original stories were not so
How the fuck would you know?

>>25123385
Your poem sucks, OP.

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>>25121093
>I am free like the birds,

>>25121339
This is just meter, not rhythm.
Rhythm comes from the interaction between meter and natural speech stress.
Timothy Steele writes well about it in his book All The Funs In How You Say A Thing

>>25123984
sure, but highlighting the metre shows you how it interacts with natural speech stress. that's also why i used different colours for syllables the metre allows him to stress and those he actually does stress.

>>25124440
All of those "unstressed" syllables are stressed normally. Are you esl?

>>25124866
>above: ə-ˈbəv
>forest: ˈfȯr-əst
>parakeet: ˈper-ə-ˌkēt
>prevails: pri-ˈvāls
>rudiments: ˈrü-də-mənts
The apostrophe indicates the emphasis. I copied all of these from merriam-webster.com. Did you misread his image or is it you who is the ESL?

>>25124995
First line, 3rd foot.
>-est of
Clearly a standard iamb. "Of" is metrically stressed and has a stronger natural stress than the "est" of forest.
Its not unstressed like the image says.
This same mistake is repeated throughout the entire image.
You're retarded.

>>25121093
Let me answer your question with some questions:
>what is the meter of this poem? Why did you choose this meter?
>what is the rhyme scheme? Why did you choose it over other rhyme schemes?
>why did you choose to start the first two lines with "I am?"
>why did you decide to use two similies: a pearl and a bird? Do you believe these two similies compliment each other? Why?
>of all the things that are free, why did you choose birds?
>of all the things that are motionless, why did you pick a statue?
>why is the third line "afraid of the sight of me" and not "afraid of me?" What does "the sight of" add to this line?
>of all the things that freeze, why did you pick ice?
>how long did it take to write this poem?
>do you have any examples of lines or stanzas from this poem you cut?
There are no wrong answers. I just want to know your writing process.