Is this good sex scene? First time writing sex. It's not for porn.
>>25157817Forgot to correct the paragraph alignment when copying it. It's translation to english from different language.
>>25157817not really. It feels like it's mostly focused on describing the sex instead of being there and having ittry to make yourself super horny when you write it
No sex scene is a good scene. Creating pornography is poisoning the culture and the environment in which we live and into which we bring children.
>>25157837>protecting the children>trying to eliminate attention brought to the act that brings children into the world>a dork among us
You should've posted the sex from Brokeback Mountain. Now that's effective. It's swift, violent and sexy. It doesn't glory in every sordid detail, but it doesn't bowdlerize the down-and-dirty of it either. It obtains a proper balance. Proulx is a stunning talent.
>>25157817>>25157820It's almost good. What is missing is for you to decide to whom you're writing this. If it's for women you need yo go a bit more emotional. If it's for men you need more vivid descriptions (where are the buxom breasts and silk-soft, long thighs?).
>>25157853100% wrong. nobody listen to thisLegitimate question anon, do you really believe yourself when you say that men want to go into a written sex scene to find that her "long thighs" are "silk-soft"
>>25157863Yes. Are you a man?
>>25157866Woah get your personal questions out of here donkey breath and go peruse the "I need to learn a thing or two about most everything" section of your local homeless shelter
>>25157873That's what I thought.
Sounds great for a winter solstice
>>25157877>does not plainly hear the ringing bellsanon, nobody in the history of human beings has gotten their rocks off to "buxom breasts"you are genetically unsounda symptom of which is never being able to realize it
In the scene it's steppe nomad and his arranged wife having sex before the marriage ceremony being finalized (they are on road from her family to his family). It's not that they just met, but they lived together for years at her family's camp (this was normal tradition for boys in poor families - they had to do child labor for years to 'pay' for their wife) and have fallen in love partly out of necessity, partly becouse they actually like each other (it's complicated).>>25157837retarded pol tard.>>25157852I will check it out.>>25157824>instead of being there and having itI am taking notes. Give me an example of what you mean. I am not writing it for people to jerk off to it, it's just part of novel, where there's romantic subplot happening.
>>25157887Factually untrue. You sound like the type of person who gets her rocks off to "holy cow" in the middle of sex though.
>>251578883rd anon hereI can tell it's not for jerking. But you will want it to be more sensual in its actual nature. For example>Desire shone in her eyesThis is a very neutral statement. What is she desiring for? How can I be here with these two people if it is just a cardboard cutout representation of the sexual act, instead of two actual characters with pasts and futures going for it.In this situation, where you are not writing pornography, but including it as a storytelling element, you should get a real feeling that these two characters you have known are still present, instead of them being temporary sex stand ins, which is what usually happens in writing like this.
>>25157890Did you just call me a woman because I didn't answer if I was a man hahahaYou're a dork dude, i'm a guyalso>immediately stooping to this level of insult and being horribly wrongnot only do you not know about what people want in sex, you don't even know what you know about other people!in simple termsyou're nearing the bottom of the packDon't pretend you know what the big boys are up to
>>25157895So I should include more inner voice? Say in her inner voice what she desires instead?
>>25157906I won't say how you should write your book. But you should write these characters as you've written them previously to this scene. Don't put too much importance on this kind of thing, it's just another few paragraphs.
>>25157905You're not funny. Not by a long shot.
Here's what I consider a good sex scene. You can use it for reference:“Are you very cruel?” “Don’t know.” “Could you be? Please. Find something to whip me with. Just a little. Just for the warmth.”Nostalgia. The pain of a return home. He rummages around through inquisitional props,gyves, thumbscrews, leather harness, before coming up with a miniature cat-o’-nine-tails, aBlack Forest elves’ whip, its lacquered black handle carved in a bas-relief orgy, the lashespadded with velvet to hurt but not to draw blood. “Yes, that’s perfect. Now on the insides ofmy thighs…” [...]All Margherita’s chains and fetters are chiming, black skirt furled back to her waist,stockings pulled up tight in classic cusps by the suspenders of the boned black rig she’swearing underneath. How the penises of Western men have leapt, for a century, to the sightof this singular point at the top of a lady’s stocking, this transition from silk to bare skin andsuspender! It’s easy for non-fetishists to sneer about Pavlovian conditioning and let it go atthat, but any underwear enthusiast worth his unwholesome giggle can tell you there is muchmore here—there is a cosmology: of nodes and cusps and points of osculation, mathematicalkisses… singularities! [...]And what’s waiting for Slothrop, what unpleasant surprise, past the tops of Greta’sstockings here? laddering suddenly, the pallid streak flowing downthigh, over intricacies ofknee and out of sight… What waits past this whine and crack of velvet lashes against her skin,long red stripes on the white ground, her moans, the bruise-colored flower that cries at herbreast, the jingling of the hardware holding her down? He tries not to tear his victim’sstockings, or whip too close to her stretched vulva, which shivers, unprotected, betweenthighs agape and straining, amid movements of muscle erotic, subdued, “monumental” asany silver memory of her body on film. She comes once, then perhaps again before Slothropputs the whip down and climbs on top, covering her with the wings of his cape, her Schlepzigsurrogate, his latest reminder of Katje… and they commence fucking, the old phony rackgroaning beneath them, Margherita whispering God how you hurt me and Ah, Max… and justas Slothrop’s about to come, the name of her child: strained through her perfect teeth, a clearextrusion of pain that is not in play, she cries, Bianca…
>>25157853>ignored meAlright, OP, you're a fag. Enjoy the advises of trannies and foids who would sooner having you writing "her heavy-lid eyes" and "holy cow!"
>>25157910>assuming attempted humor>doing nothing but trying to break another person>a paranoid history of being broken by othersthree strikes your out slug breathi've got a casserole to make for my doggiesciao little papa
>>25157913Kek
>>25157914Not involved here, but he ignored you because you're a narcissist who is also very dumb
>>25157908I get what you are saying and will try to apply it to the rest."Do not write about a thing happening, write about the character experiencing it." basically the characterization should come out through how they approach whatever is happening - here it's sex. It shouldn't be 'people having sex' but 'Character A, who is XY, is having sex with Character B, who is AB.' Basically as if every character would have and experience sex differently, although it's always sex.Lovely posts, thank you.
>>25157921That's what I get for trying to help people who would just write self-fellating slop to stroke their ego rather than deliver the experience to the reader. Go, OP, for forth to the world mental orgasms and emotional realization!
>>25157913I know this is joke post, but I feel like the writing style has flow and style and flavor and energy that mine is missing. Mine is too matter-of-fact, too dry. ALthough that is kind of on purpose - I am trying to stylize the narrator to be kind-of all-knowing eternal sky looking down on the characters who to him are incredibly small and so he/it only sometimes offers a look into their mind. As sky he/it is not very emotional about anything happening down below, he is always matter of fact.
>>25157915>starts with the personal attacks>can't take the heat>"Haha I won"I'm nooticing
>>25157820Meh.You say he's afraid at the beginning but I get no indication of fear or even nervousness from the male at all when the scene plays out. If it's because his animal desire overrides that fear, indicate that.There's no description of the woman after he enters the wagon. It's jarring that you go from a description of the wagon's interior straight into foreplay. What does she look like sitting there waiting for him? Does she look embarrassed? Nervous? Is she lying back in total submission for him or more closed and defensive because she's anxious or does she look like she's about ready to pounce on him because she's hungry? If it's dark and difficult to tell, describe that, but don't entirely skip it.The foreplay needs to be extended and more descriptive.The line about his man hands is cheesy.You're missing all the feelings and sounds of sex too. If you've ever had sex (I know, I know, but let's say hypothetically) you'll know there's a lot of moans and whimpers and grunts, there's the rush of adrenaline and endorphins, feelings of euphoria, brief words about how good they feel or how sexy the other person looks, etc. Even if they're supposed to be first time virgins, they don't just breath and giggle, or more accurately the breathing and giggling is just what's going on at the surface because they're so overwhelmed by the experience.Even if she's wet, if this is supposed to be her first time it's probably going to be uncomfortable when he first pushes into her. Try to remember the first time your uncle put a finger inside your anus and how weird it felt.
>>25157960Joke? The stockings thing aside, I find:>All Margherita’s chains and fetters are chiming, black skirt furled back to her waist, stockings pulled up tight in classic cusps by the suspenders of the boned black rig she’s wearing underneath.>What waits past this whine and crack of velvet lashes against her skin, long red stripes on the white ground, her moans, the bruise-colored flower that cries at her breast, the jingling of the hardware holding her down?>which shivers, unprotected, between thighs agape and straining, amid movements of muscle erotic, subdued, “monumental” as any silver memory of her body on film.Incredibly arousing, especially the last part. It's rhythmic, it tries to mimic her trembling in arousal. The entire paragraph describes the scene in detail and it;s incredibly physical.It also functions very well within the wider context of the book. It shows them both thinking about their previous lovers (Nostalgia, surrogate), and it foreshadows Slothrop's later encounter with Bianca. I'd post that too, but it's designed more to make the reader uncomfortable, given Bianca's (as perceived by Slothrop, IIRC she should be a but older according to the timeline) age. Just like that sofa scene in Lolita.
>>25157817At one point you're describing things the man can apparently see. At others you mention what the woman can't see. Is it dark inside the wagon or not?
>>25157837kwab what a bitch
>>25157853>If it's for women you need yo go a bit more emotional. If it's for men you need more vivid descriptions (where are the buxom breasts and silk-soft, long thighs?)You're assuming OP's goal is to titillate the reader, i.e. that he's writing pornography. What if he just wants to describe what's happening to his characters?
>>25158028It's good to sometimes read stuff like this and have this complete shock of realities. I would never imagine that someone would actually enjoy the sex scenes described in Fifty Shades of Grey and Milking Farm (though they are best sellers so of course these people exist). Thank you, anon.
>>25157960Don't take this personally but you don't indicate anywhere that you exercise the authority and mastery of tone to be writing that way purposely. It sounds like you're grinding out each sentence by the skin of your teeth. That's the sense a reader gets. I'm not sure how much grace they'll extend you that you mean to be "dry" on purpose.
>>25158090You're right. The OP said he didn't want it to be pornographic. My bad. But begs the question: why even write the scene itself and not only the aftermath?
>>25157817It's impossible to write sex in a non-porn way without it being unbearably cringe. There's no way to make it clinical or artistic enough. Either lean into it or just fade to black.
>>25157837>we will adhere to whatever is necessary to keep Germany from degenerating>Germany degenerates into a war-ravaged wasteland under enemy occupation
>>25158102I'm not OP, but the sexual encounter is likely to change the characters' relationship. Perhaps he wants to depict the change as it's taking place, rather than leave it to be inferred afterwards.
>>25158136I haven't read Madame Bovari but I've heard all that transformation happened in the aftermath there, where Flaubert put all those dazzling descriptions and metaphors. No sex scene needed.
>>25157837this
>>25157817>Is this good sex scene?such a thing does not exist>First time writing sex.it pleases me to be your first times post nut clarity and regret>It's not for porn.whatever you include this in is porno by definition. if you want to know how to write sex, look at the Bible, judah and tamar, ruth in boaz tent, amnon and tamar, onan and tamar, there are many examples of the narrator explicitly telling you about sex
>>25157991>there's a lot of moans and whimpers and gruntsthen you need to watch more pornography until you understand that those sounds are entirely voluntary> embarrassed? Nervous? Is she lying back in total submissionthose are things that im not supposed to know about another mans wife, all that matters is that she consented to marry him
I love 2 things>>25158776>>251581091) retarded 4channers who are barely able to read talking with tone of absolute authority on any subject.>>25157837>>25158196>>251587762) 4chan morality police policing speechkys faggot ass niggers
>>25159438do you think those things don't apply to you?
>>25159438what are you trying to prove? that is a "fade to black" scene, you fucking idiot. There is some touching, and then the sex act isn't described at all, before skipping to the aftermath.
>>25157837>picrel
>>25157817All depictions of sex are pornographic in nature. Any claim to the contrary is cope.
>>25159530>he doesn't know about his mom's OnlyFans
