>>25175062
>be this phenotype
>found the largest empire in history in you're way
heh, nothing personnel kid

>>25175081
The empire was a mistake. Britain should be:
- Population capped 5 mil
- Ultra xenophobic, self sufficient North Korea mode nuclear armed state
- Screen use restricted only to watching football, cricket, darts, and rugby union
- Merry

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>>25175062
Dipped my toes into writing a combat scene, call out any dogshit prose or stylistic choices you spot please - I need feedback.

Vardun did not know how long he'd been fighting, and he in full truth did not care.

The darkspawn swarmed him without end, his greatsword and ivory armour slick with foul ichor and his lungs burning like fire, yet still he reveled in it all - the glorious, unvarnished truth of war laid before him, and it was a poor son of Forossa who did not answer its call.

He called forth a soul spear from within him, hurling it into the throat of an ogre before forming a spectral axe in his off-hand and cleaving a hurlock close to him in two. He laughed, the sound echoing and tinny within his helm. The axe shifted into a greatsword and bisected an entire swathe of the horde, before changing again into a spear that he used to pierce the skull of an emissary who'd drifted too close.

"Zwei vor gaan, Faraam!"

It tore from him, devotion and bloodlust and joy burning bright in his breast, even as the others look at him with naked fear as they beheld the full truth of what he was - what he had been born for.

A sharlock slammed into him from behind, sending him staggering a step before it shrieked in agony as an arrow sprouted from its spine. He resumed the slaughter, pushing the thought of the horror he glimpsed in his companions' eyes aside, howling his fervour back at the spawn who shrieked their own animal hate at them.

A bolt of black energy, creeping and cruel, slammed into his shoulder. He grunted, and hurled another spectral spear and snarled as it missed the emissary by a hair's breadth and instead impaled a hapless genlock to the stone. Another hurlock - larger, stronger, braver than the rest - met his steel blade head on, and Vardun felt a warriors respect that it matched him in raw might. It's clouded, blighted eyes bored into his own for a heartbeat, before they disengaged and swung again. The force raced through Vardun's arm, and a thrill ran through him at the thought of one, even monstrous as this, being his equal in might. He slammed his greathelm forward, the impact ringing in his ears and sending the beast back with a hiss, before his blade sought bite into its neck and sent it to whatever gods it worshipped. It weaved back at the last second, bringing its own greasword up in a vicious arc to drive him back. As its senses returned, it roared its challenge to him. Another howl tore from his throat, raw and fulfilled and free.

>>25175480
Why do they write in r*ddit spacing? Why not full paragraphs? I peeked at Royal Road and everything's like this. Is it for ease of reading? Is the audience so...?

>>25175490
The r*ddit spacing in my writing is unironically a carryover from my school education ("always leave a line between paragraphs for readability"). For the "full paragraphs", that's just how a lot of people write - there's only so much you actually need in a paragraph unless it's an essay or something. Hell, Conan the Barbarian - if you add in r*ddit spacing - actually looks somewhat similar if you spread it out on a computer screen.
>Is the audience so...?
Apparently most readers are female porn addicts who read books about fucking vampire CEOs or something, so yeah probably. This is mostly a personal story though because I had an itch for it - there's like two "chapters" total actually written and a bunch of random ideas I thought would be cool to write about, so I'm not massively concerned with fully consistent prose or the like.

Out of curiosity, do you have an excerpt of your own to compare mine to? Doesn't need to have anything remotely in common, I'd just like something to compare with.

>>25175511
I'm not saying it's bad, sorry if I came off bitchy-sounding. I really do not understand "sword and magic fantasy" culture. Thought, since on RR everyone writes with frequent spacing just like you here, maybe you'd have the answer for me as to why.
So no, I do not have anything of my own to show. Although I was thinking I could try my hand at it, you know, to come off my high horse, to make myself humble ("do I have any talent at all if I can't write the kind of story that would feature in a webtoon?", and such thoughts)

>>25175480
I'm not a great writer but it's alright, pretty generic. I think your names being so literal and standardfantasyslop('darkspawn') makes things feel like low effort cardboard cutouts. (I named a race in one of my projects "nords" so I'm throwing rocks in a glass house)

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>>25175062
If anyone is interested, I just wrote a short little nine page story about death and rebirth
https://pastebin.com/VE37qB0d

>>25175480
I don't enjoy medieval action scenes so I can't give any helpful thoughts on how engaging it is as a cohesive whole, but I can nitpick on following the moment-to-moment action
>bisected
this feels like a clinical, deliberate term that doesn't have a place in a gory hack-'n'-slash scene, clashes with the tone set by "in full truth did not care"
>before changing again into a spear that he used to pierce the skull of an emissary who'd drifted too close.
>sending him staggering a step before it shrieked in agony as an arrow sprouted from its spine
these clauses run on a little long, too many joining words in shots that should imagined as short and snappy, but I'm saying this as a slut for punctuation to join longer sentences, if they read well to you then keep them as is
>"Zwei vor gaan, Faraam!"
maybe I'm retarded but I couldn't tell who or what was saying this on my first pass-over, it might be cleared up by replacing the following "It tore from him" with "His rallying cry tore from him" or something
>A bolt of black energy, creeping and cruel, slammed into his shoulder
to me a creeping bolt would strike or puncture, it would not slam or thud
>He grunted, and hurled another spectral spear and snarled as it missed the emissary by a hair's breadth and instead impaled a hapless genlock to the stone.
the snarling here is misplaced, we're told he grunts, then snarls, and the explanation for the snarling is given two clauses later, it makes my eyes read "snarled", read ahead a bit to find out what's snarling, find out I read it correctly and it is Vardun snarling, scan over the clauses again until I reach the end, find out why he is now snarling, then forget about the intended target of the spear altogether
>matched him in raw might.
>being his equal in might.
you can cut the first mention of might, it can be implied by the warrior's respect, and described later by the thrill, have the warrior's respect described as a suspicion, then later vindicated on the second clash, something like that
>He slammed his greathelm forward,
"forward" sounds quite awkward and orthogonal, to me a greathelm would be swung in an arcing motion, unless you mean he thrusts with the top of his head as his face is craned downward, like a ram? if so then "slammed" is clashing with that motion
>Another howl tore from his throat, raw and fulfilled and free.
I like this but I think it would be cooler for this to be described as a reply to the challenge, which also ties back to the "warrior's respect" mentioned earlier, rather than making his own loud noise at nothing in particular
>devotion and bloodlust and joy
>raw and fulfilled and free.
also I don't know if there's a limit to the number of merry x and y and z constructions you can have in a combat scene, but two might be pushing it in an excerpt of this size, I think they should be used sparingly

>>25175480
better than my action scene

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Forget everything you know about what makes a good essay and just write me something honest!

Accepting critiques (I know I posted this in the last Writing General but nobody responded):

He couldn’t see a thing, the dust and the smoke stymied the instruments. Blobs of nothing interspersed by the occasional signature of heat flashed white on his thermals. He had no idea what to shoot at.
“Victor 1. Fire mission. 100 meters south, four rounds into the uh...” One voice began
He swivelled the gun to look.
“Victor 1, Charlie 03. Need support! Get your guns to hit...” Another voice on a different frequency.
“Put some fucking fire on the whole god damn...” another voice joined in on the confusion
He swivelled the gun back and forth.
“..Flash, Repeat: The muzzle fla...Right there! Right there! See it? left of...” The first voice continued.
He swivelled back to look for a flash.
“Victor 1, Just fucking kill something!” House’s voice finally reached his panicked brain.
Donaldson flipped the master safety off and pressed the Fire button on his console.
The walls of every building in the cave shook as the percussion of each shot spewed fire from the barrel of the 25mm autocannon. The rounds, all travelling at 1,100 meters per second, reached their destination a fraction of a moment later. A few meters from the target, the timer in each projectile caused them to explode into precut shards, creating a cone of death that slammed with supersonic speed into what it was fired at.
Entire shacks were shredded, bodies turned into mist.
The firing paused for only a moment, the entire cave seemed to be shocked into a collective quiet awe.
“God damn! There we fucking...” Walker began to scream with his phone pointed towards the vehicle before another burst from the cannon drowned him out.
The effect on The Resistance was immediate and devastating, entire squads were killed in the short bursts, nothing they hid behind seemed to matter.

>>25175913
(Should mention that it's a military sci epic about society living in a giant cavernous Hive of cities under a fascist regime, current plans for five books)

>>25175913
>Blobs of nothing interspersed
so the void between these "blobs of nothing" is meant to be populated by... something? it's not clear what visual data you want the reader to imagine on these instruments
>signature of heat
is there a reason why you can't describe it as heat signatures?
>...”
most people will read ellipses as a lingering silence, as if the speaker's words are trailing off some place else. It would work for "the, uh...", but from the rest of the dialogue and action it seems like you want to give the impression of busy noisy comms with everyone frantically speaking over each other
for lines like these, you're looking for "guns to hit-", which would be read as an interruption
>“..Flash, Repeat: The muzzle fla...Right there! Right there! See it? left of...” The first voice continued.
I'll just fix all of the grammar mistakes in this line: '"...flash, I repeat: the muzzle fla- right there! Right there! See it? Left of-"'
it's awkward to have dialogue tags at the end of every line, I appreciate that it's also awkward to have a dialogue tag immediately follow interrupted dialogue since usually it would be someone else's speech or a noise that interrupts it, but you have many more options to portray noisy radio chatter which would be better than what you've done
it would be more effective to describe the chatter and the noises of it rather than transcribing exact lines of dialogue in a scene like this. You can pick out random bits and pieces of dialogue that come through clearly, but not one after another, and certainly not with ellipses
>a fraction of a moment
using two ambiguous terms, fraction and moment, to describe something that is universally understood as almost instantaneous (especially when you already describe the exact velocity), is very clunky, you don't need to complicate the image of gunfire
the shards in this line also have both singular and plural pronouns
>The walls of every building in the cave shook as the percussion of each shot spewed fire from the barrel of the 25mm autocannon. The rounds, all travelling at 1,100 meters per second, reached their destination a fraction of a moment later. A few meters from the target, the timer in each projectile caused them to explode into precut shards, creating a cone of death that slammed with supersonic speed into what it was fired at.
this line is frustrating to read, the reader isn't shown what is being firing at, it's only referred to as "their destination", "the target", "what it was fired at", which would make sense if you want to preserve tension by having it remain unknown to later reveal an unintended target, but then the ambiguity is resolved in the very next line...
>Entire shacks
>entire cave
>entire squads
you should read what you write outloud so that you can pick up on unintentional repetition like this, including the word "every", you've described the totality of this burst of fire four times, once was enough, or at least use more creative descriptions

>>25175963
thank you!

>>25175963
>>25175966

anything you like about it?

>>25175480

Your character seems ridiculously overpowered, single handedly fighting down waves of enemies for hours by the sounds of it. Without any danger its boring to read, no suspense.

Whats at stake? what does he have to lose?
Most stuff is supposed to go wrong for your main character and he needs to overcome hard challenges. If hes just chilling killing entire armies with ease, your story will be dry.

I would be more interested to read a really close battle which could of gone either way and the main character only just somehow survived it.

Also laughing or cheering characters mid action scene is peak reddit. It could maybe work depending if their was a long run up story line about him losing his mind but if hes just being a redditer and cheering or laughing and joking in an action scene its pretty cringe.

The world building is good though, and the pacing is nice and fast. You just need to make your main character suffer way more, you are being way to nice to him.

>>25175972
not really, but don't let that discourage you since it's just not a genre I'm interested in
I can only point out things that really need to be tidied up before the enjoyment of a scene can be considered, like issues of grammar or incoherent action

>>25175981
Fair, thank you anyway!

>>25175972
also if you'd like more general feedback on your prose, it was quite hard to follow what was happening and who or what the objects and subjects of each action were
you should look up "white room syndrome" (I've seen it described as the curse of knowledge as well) and try to develop a better sense of when you can be liberal with your use of pronouns versus when you need subjects/posessives to be named explicitly, when things in a scene need to be described versus when you can let the reader imagine the details themselves, and so on

>>25175913
Positive:
- Good dialogue. You avoid my pet peeve of clear dialogue in confusing and stressful combat scenes.

Areas for Improvement:
- Is this omniscient or close third? At the start, you seem to be focused closely on the experience of a single character, but later, seem to describe the scene from a non-character POV? If it is meant to be omniscient, fine, but I would try and ground what is happening more on individual experiences -- this should make it feel more alive and visceral.
- Economise: This is a tense scene, tense up each sentence like it is the string of an instrument you want to hit high notes. This should be done by cutting sentence length, and cutting words that can be cut.

>The building walls shook from the autocannon's percussion. Each round, travelling at supersonic speed, exploded into a cloud of shards before impacting its target. The effect on the resistance was devastating.

I assumed in this revision that that:
-The reader should already know it is in a cave?
-The auto cannon being 25mm is not really relevant information?
-Similarly, does the reader need to know that each round travels at 1,100 meters per second?
-I liked the detail about the exploding rounds -- this is a meaty detail -- but all the reader needs to know is that they explode before their target. They don't need to know that it is because of a timer.
-Supersonic speed: You have already described the 1,100mps. This is therefore redundant extra description. Choose one -- in my revision, I chose supersonic because it is cleaner.
-Cone of death: Don't need to overexplain this. Trust the reader to understand that a cloud of metal shards travelling at incredible speed is going to have a negative effect on the target's life prospects.

Just one more subtler example of economising:
-Entire shacks were shredded, bodies turned into mist. --> Entire shacks were shredded. Bodies turned to mist.

IMO cleaner and more punch.

Hope that helps. Might all be complete crap.

>>25176000
>>25176010

Gold, thank you! I guess I'm trying to get people to understand the action clearly but I end up overexplaining some details while leaving the actual experience feeling flat?

>>25176013
Yeah, I would say so. Treat writing less as an exercise in painting a picture, and more as guided imagination. The joy of reading comes through the creation of the a film in the head, and anything that slows the reel down is distracting.

When describing a range of mountains in the distance, I might give the reader some key details (jagged, black rock, snow capped), but I don't need to describe each valley and glacier, or the order of prominence, or the geological stratigraphy. As soon as I start doing that, the reader is going over what they have already created in their head.

>>25175480

I rewrote the first part to make the main character suffer much more. I also added some things to be at stake. I think it makes it feel more personal, with more risk, and thus more engaging.

Vardun did not know how long he'd been fighting, his entire body ached and he was starting to feel dizzy. Every now and then he became conscious of the blood flowing down his side under his armor. He knew was lucky to have survived that axe hit but it had pierced his armor and left a nasty cut. It was only a quick reflex swing of his sword that had stopped the follow up axe swing that would have killed him.

The darkspawn kept swarming out of the forest towards him endlessly. He found himself wondering if this was it. He did not have much fight left in him. His greatsword and ivory armour were slick with foul ichor and his lungs were burning like fire, yet still he grimly stood his ground – all that talk about the glorious, unvarnished truth of war from the general earlier in the day came back to him. Vardun glanced over at the generals decapitated body on the ground beside him, had the gods finally abandoned them? He cried out a prayer to the skies to Forossa the lost son, yet the god did not answer the call. Vardun felt exhausted, if they could not hold the line, the city behind them would be next.

He shuddered at the thought of the darkspawn roaming down the main street of the city murdering everyone. The old merchants in the market who ripped everyone off, the curvaceous whores in the whorehouses, the drunks in the taverns. They may not be much but they were his people and a last burst of rage bubbled up inside him. With a scream he called forth a soul spear from within him, hurling it into the throat of an ogre before forming a spectral axe in his off-hand and cleaving a hurlock close to him in two. A sudden break in the onslaught, he looked around and counted the remaining soldiers. 500 men had become 5. He laughed dementedly, spit and blood running down his face, the sound echoing and tinny within his helm. So this was it, this really was the final stand, His axe shifted into a greatsword, his dark eyes began to glow with a bright red light and the air around him began to hum. Another wave of darkspawn emerged from the forest and Vardun leapt at them, his giant axe swung in a massive arc bisecting 3 of them. The other beasts hissed and formed into an arc and closed in on him.

Vardun screamed at the top of his voice.

"Zwei vor gaan, Faraam!"

The scream tore from him, it sounded strained, ragged and yet defiant. his only thought now to get revenge on these beasts for all the people they were about to kill in the city behind him. Bloodlust burned in the beasts eyes, but he could see something else in their eyes. He realized it was fear. Not fear of him though, fear of something standing behind him. Vardun felt a chill run up his spine.

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i wrote a short story, it's a little under 10k words, It's a science fiction, and my first attempt at serious writing. I'm a novice.
It's titled "Artificial Humane Household Hologram"
>https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XofFCueT38GWuSLOBDhDYrKdYbsbZ-FvANfzvsxQUqY/edit?usp=sharing
or
>https://pastebin.com/w3X8DAFv
The basic plot ; The sole survivor of a lab malfunction is trapped in an underground base with an malfunctioning dream altering device. It starts to torture him in longer and longer dream hells.
It was inspired directly by the short story "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream" . I felt compelled to write my own take on that idea

>>25176032
thanks again!

>first novel is finished and edited and it’s getting prepped for release (going to give it a final pass over after I fix some formatting issues)
>know for a fact that it’s too long and controversial for trad publishing
>thinking of self-publishing it for free because IDGAF about profiting from it and just want people to read it

Would it be alright if I posted a link to a PDF of it here once it’s done and officially released? Would there be any interest in that? I’ve been lurking here for years and I feel it’s the kind of book a /lit/ audience might appreciate.

>>25176216
>Would it be alright if I posted a link to a PDF of it here once it’s done and officially released?
no, you must not post any writing in the writing general

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>>25175557
no worries about sounding bitchy, I asked for proper criticisms so I can see what might not fully mesh in an excerpt I threw together on a whim so it's all welcome.
> I was thinking I could try my hand at it
As the OP says
>Just do it
Even if it's awful, or shit, or generic or doesn't make much sense, it can be fun and you improve by trying.

>>25175576
>I think your names being so literal and standardfantasyslop
in my limited defense I have cheated very heavily and used Dragon Age Origins for the setting to try and shake off some rust, but thank you as well anon.

>>25175679
Thank you very much for these anon! I'll keep these in mind for if I ever write a proper story.

>>25175978
oh yeah this particular snippet idea is very much "what happens if I drop an absurdly powerful fighter into DA:O?" so there's not a great deal of background or the like done for him.
>Without any danger its boring to read, no suspense
maybe him beginning to rapidly lose steam the longer he fights - migraines, shakes, weakness and feeling drunk in a bad way from using sorceries so much in such a short period of time, and having to quit the field or risk dying would work?
>Whats at stake? what does he have to lose?
currently, not a great deal - he's effectively a berserker from a dead culture that I used for a quick snippet idea.
>you are being way to nice to him
any ideas on how to make him (or whatever actual character, maybe a, ex-Qunari or something, I use have some meat on the bone?

>>25176033
Ignore my previous question you already answered it, thank ye again for this anon.

>>25176364

all good, I think its easiest to see when you simplify the story to a guy getting up in the morning and going to work.

If you just tell the story of his actions of getting ready and going to work its boring.

If you add something at stake like if he is late he loses his job it adds some interest, but if the story simply follows his actions and he faces no challenges, arrives on time and keeps his job its a boring story.

If he faces losing his job, faces some really difficult challenges that push him to the edge but still makes it to work and just keeps his job that is more interesting again.

Then you just apply that structure to whatever you are writing about.

Almost everything that can go wrong for your character should. The person reading wants to see the character thrown into high stakes challenges and see how they react.

>>25176437
I don't think the pastebin owner even visits anymore.

Should I self publish my story or keep trying to trad publish?

>>25176437
I read this yesterday and it came off as not quite schizobabble but close. One of those stories where you can barely tell what they're talking about and what's going on

>>25176477
Do what you think is best

>>25175062
What kind of stuff do guys like these fellows in your photo typically read?

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>>25176760
... but you did read it.

>>25176216
You might generate some transient buzz with a handful of anons skimming your work to post about it here once but if your hope is to grow a sizeable and loyal following of readers from 4chan I don't know if that's been done before. My own "not a fit for trad publishers but still want it out there" self-publication that I shilled violently hasn't been posted about since I stopped posting about it as far as I've seen. Then again the most popular author to come out of /lit/ is F. Gadner and that one's more famous as something like a lolcow than as an quality writer.
Which isn't to say that I've given up on my work. Despite the unlikeliness of "success" I'm going to sink hundreds into producing an audiobook and I'm almost finished working on another novella that ties into the first.

Im stilll writen fuck yo2.

>>25176800
Yeah, it felt like Frank was emulating oddball stuff like parts of Ulysses and that if I didn't finish it I'd look uncultured. Compare it against Dance of the Lizard's Tale by ex_kamau which is nearly illegible schizobabble

>>25176823
It's written like that to reward rereading, but I can imagine there were too many Easter eggs and double entendres for some audiences.

>>25176827
I dunno. I just have a big smear where my memory of the narrative should be. Something like an affair between an insane bald guy and a prostitute? Then some other characters come in and do some stuff (I couldn’t tell you what).
I think I usually reread stuff to re-explore a world/narrative/experience, gain a firmer understanding of the deeper themes/ideas, or both. Not to collect all the "easter eggs." I couldn't discern so much as a plot point within The Chemical Divorce so I doubt I'll ever reread it.

>schizobable
>Fantasy slop
>Litrpgs
>Sad lonely boy
Has anyone written anything remotely different from these four genres?

>>25175062
started tinkering with this story again. finished the first draft and reworked this chapter. if anyone feels like reading, thanks.

https://iannewman.blogspot.com/2026/01/out-of-closet.html

>>25176939
My novella is psychological horror/dark academia

>>25176939
yes. all four combined.

>>25176971
>Tense changes
>Homos
>Sad boy story
>No plot
>Forced Stupid quotes trying to sound "deep"
Not for me. This is honestly terrible. I don't know what's the point besides two fags crying.
>Ian looks up from the index card and sees that Ethan is looking at him. Neither of them knows what the fuck Ian is talking about. He looks down and continues.
How the fuck does Ian not know what Ian is talking about or thinking?

>>25176983
That falls under schizobable and sad boy. I bet if you posted your first chapter I would be right.

>>25176983
>My novella is psychological horror
No, you're just gay.

>>25177001
Probably a bad "chapter" to plop down, but I appreciate it.

>>25177004
>>25177007
It's not schizobabble. Sad boy might be on point but the protagonist is female and is less sad and more despicable. The title is Sinner’s Descent into the Depth of the Unreal and it's avaiable as an ebook on various retailers if you want to skim the sample for shitpost ammunition.

>>25177027
>Rosie, a bookworm, hates her life.
Sad boy/girl story
>She goes to an elite and nightmarish unified education institution where she lives with a beastly roommate. Her only escape is the establishment’s underground with its bizarre creatures and surreal experiences.
Schizobable
>76 pages
C'mon that's not even novella length

>>25177063
Reading the sample, it's serviceable, but a few things I would rearrange. Such as Rosie's description of Hannah. Should be earlier when we're first introduced to Hannah. I also would suggest having more internal emotions plague Rosie rather than her tell the reader what others are doing. For example even something as mundane as Hannah being a lacrosse player, have Rosie comment on lacrosse or something else

>>25176848
it's supposed to evoke the protagonist's hangover, though I get why some people would dislike it

>>25177063
You can't recognize schizobabble and it's probably because you write it

Do you guys write accents or just avoid them entirely?

>>25177077
Hannah is described throughout the story and I'm not going to frontload a story with one or three pages of straight description anon. And I can't make sense of your second suggestion. Rosie suffers emotions throughout. Your example seems non sequitur. You'll have to elaborate.

>>25177118
It's been a long time since I've been hungover but I didn't get that sense at all. Felt more like a crazy person living in crazy town.

>>25177278
Only when it denigrates minorities.

>>25177027
>The title is Sinner’s Descent
Yeah I know. And you're gay, autistic, and a regular thread shitter. Kill yourself.

>>25177290
I'm rubber and you're glue

>>25177278
I tend to rely on syntax (word choice/word order/sentence structure) to communicate that a character doesn't speak perfect English rather than playing with spelling

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>>25177283
>Hannah is described throughout the story
I'm not saying describe Hannah. I am saying to have monologues with Rosie. Right now it reads as if Rosie is just commenting on shit.

Instead of writing
>Her strong arms gripped me tightly, stopping my lungs (stupid sentence).
>Inhaling her feminine odor (another stupid sentence)
Write more shit with how she feels about her Hannah hugging her instead of describing everything.
Even shit like
>Too close.

You also have tons of "male" writing patterns for a female MC. Girls don't think like men. You're writing what a man thinks a woman thinks.

>>25177278
i’ll write stuff like people speaking in ebonics or different languages intermittently but not full on accent like
>zhe quick blue fox yumps ovar zhe razy dog

>>25177509
Are you saying you want me to write emotional exposition? If so that's just not my style. I believe shit like Rosie thinking
>Too close.
is already made clear through the subtext. To dredge all that up into the text might inflate the word count but it's adding nothing substantive i-m-o. If anything it's only softening the narrative's blows.
I'm curious what kind of gender-based "writing patterns" you can cook up so elaborate on that.

>>25177463
You literally suck and fuck cocks no rubber eat manglue

Would you continue?

Astyu cut the head from the creature’s body with a small chert knife. His brow furrowed. The creature resembled a small man with slick grey skin like an eel’s. Its head bulged like a cactus bulb. Its eyes, black as obsidian, peered vacantly through narrow slits.
A dead demon… Astyu spat on the ground next to the body.
The elders told tales about such beings in the evenings by the fire. He never believed them, but now…

>>25177684
I have no narrative context to engage with
the prose is fine. inoffensive but charmless. the repeated use of ellipses is off putting
astyu is atleast a novel name
keep writing you dumb dork. you haven't done anything yet

>>25177684
Push yourself, brother. Every moment in your story is a chance to stretch your imagination. Try to think of a striking detail that feels true, uncannily *true*, and put it in this scene. Does the head expel a weird little sound as it's cut off? What does it feel like to cut off this thing's head? Is the skin surprisingly rubbery? Does the blood flow slower than expected, or carry a peculiar smell? Can you see the pattern of veins under the head's taut skin in this light, and does it remind Astyu of something incongruously innocent? Does the demon make a little expression as its facial muscles stop receiving signals from the brain? Just dance, man. It's your story.

>>25177684
>Astyu
How the hell do you even pronounce this?
>Ass-to-you?

>>25177734
>>25177761
Thanks for the input, really solid. I have more but I want the beginning to be engaging enough to keep a non avid reader reading it.

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>>25177582
you have shit like this. It screams male brained.
>is already made clear through the subtext.
You don't have subtext when you're writing about smelling her "Feminine Odor" or "Her embrace swallowed me".

>>25177781
As-two

>>25177792
it also contradicts itself
>Disgust
>Sick
>Genius
But you're going to go find another something to defend your writing. I'm done here. You dont' want criticism. You want people to praise you as the next Tolstoy. I'm not your developmental editor. I am only a random anon telling you what I thought.

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How's this setup?

>>25177820
Love it. Funny witty and clever. It's not just banal or slapstick, it's a true masterclass at dry irony and forth wall breaking.

>>25177820
make the car big, not small, so the audience will see it better. Change the orange streetlamps to purple. Dont be generic. Give the character Thomas the letter T displayed on his overalls so people know the first letter of his name. Make him lankier. Have the headlights flash more then once. When it says "Ethan smirks" make it "Ethan smirks like the fucking grinch." Use the word "tum tum." not "gut,"
Have Thomas initially say "No." when asked to drop the keys, and have Ethan explain "But i will shoot you if you dont. Look, i have a gun here."
THEN thomas drops the keys
Have hm nload the entire clip into him, not just two shots. The line "This is getting old." can be changed to "I am getting old" and have ethan rapidly age into an old man. After the line ; "It's done." have the voice on the other end say "Huh? What's done?" then ethan closes the phone and says "oops , wrong number."

>>25177820
Idk wtf those other anons are saying, but:
Be clearer in your descriptions
>in a sweater steps out.
of? I didn't realize it was the car, not a house or something, until later. Generally: front load your action blocks with specificity.
>All the lights are out
Clean this up
>Thomas takes exactly...
Are we watching thorugh the blinds, or did the camera go back outside?
Also, Thomas enters the house before Ethan says "Now he's gonna walk in and..."
>Ethan waits for him in the chair
He was already waiting, Thomas is now in the room, he's not waiting anymore.
>...drop the keys
Is this a V.O.? Or O.S.? Isn't he in the room? You might be over using V.O.
>The academics face
First, you missed an apostrophe, and just use his name. It's a screenplay, be specific.
>Grabs the keys
...from the floor, next to Thomas, I'm assuming?
>The car turns on
First: cars don't "turn on", they "start up". Second: people start them up, just say Ethan did it
Extraction points are at locations, not times. (Also, still V.O.?)
>The car drives off
We're still inside the car. Either take us back outside or describe this from the interior
I think you need to show passage of time before he chews the burger, but I forget the correct way to do that. I don't want to get out my style book right now.
>A car pulls in
To...? View? The driveway? The street? And we see this through the car's windshield?
>, who pops open...
New sentence, "He pops open..."
>Ethan is is stunned to watch...
Being stunned is an interior state. How can we, observing him, tell that he's stunned?

>>25177820
no camera direction?
take it to /tv/

>>25177870
Thanks for those, always useful. I’m working on being more economical, which is why some of it may feel vague.

>>25177888
Checked and yeah I don't know where your story is going, it's too early, it could be interesting, but there hasn't been a hook yet, so I don't know. All I can do is offer editing feedback.

>>25177921
Good to know. The hook was supposed to be that this guy knew exactly what the other guy was going to do and imply that he’s killed him before, but if it doesn’t land, it doesn’t land.

>>25177953
I may be misusing the word hook, but in my mind what you have is the setup: the existing state of the world; the characters are doing what they usually do. This world may be something out of the ordinary to us normal people, so it can be an interesting premise... but that alone is not much of a story. The hook is what breaks the characters out of their routine and gets us invested in finding out how they handle it, because now we know we're not about to just read/watch them go through the same thing they usually do. I'm reminded of the movie "Looper" where he kills people via time travel or something, and it's starts off fairly routine. It's interesting, but not enough to base a whole movie on. And then one day, he has to kill himself via time travel. That's when the story starts.

>>25177993
I got you. Yeah, there’s something like that coming up with the woman in the next scene. She’s the wife he murdered in his base reality, which is why he’s so stunned.

Haven't seen Looper in awhile. That's a good connection because I was trying to think of movies like this to watch

I'm done. I finished my edits for my Victoria story. What do I do with it now?
>try to traditionally publish?
>hire some fivver editor?
>throw it into the void known as amazon?

>>25178052
>>hire some fivver editor?
they will just use an llm

Give me your harshest critique on this little excerpt. It's for a scifi short story set on a jungle planet orbiting two blue suns. I'm mostly trying to describe the atmosphere of that world in this passage. Do note that I'm ESL and have almost no experience in this.
>Colors faded away, a livid tint prevailing. Coiling clouds of vapor blanketed the courtyard in a blueish mist. Grass glistened as if electric arcs flashed between the blades. His arms grayed as though the skin petrified. The suns, like two bright blue motes hovering side-by-side, blazed high; Ruben’s shadow was barely longer than a hand-span. None of the few clouds drifting across the cyan sky were about to shade him. It was unusual for someone to stroll around here at this hour, and for good reason. He could barely keep his eyes open against the glare, he felt his clothes moisten and stick to his skin, and droplets began trailing down his forehead—but Ruben continued, unabated.
>The courtyard was a sort of quadrangle, a grassy expanse dotted with trees and striped with white concrete-paved trails. The trees were of a range of tropical species imported from earth: palms, mahoganies, teaks, and ceibas, but with their fronds and leaves reddened so that they could thrive in the alien light. They were still dripping the morning’s rainfall. Squinting, Ruben saw the compound’s walls rear up behind the dormitory, and above the walls loomed the red treetops of the jungle beyond.
>Good news. Only now, while skipping and skirting puddles as he followed a trail straight to the dormitory, did the meaning behind these words become clear to him. He didn’t mind taking a shortcut through the muggy air. The grin on his increasingly wet face grew so wide that he might have felt embarrassed if there was anyone around to see it.

Anyone else feel like they end up lobotomizing their characters trying to make them more subtle and realistic? Like I either write them as an over-the-top trope or as some voiceless neutral person.

>>25178744
>a livid tint prevailing
>His arms grayed as though the skin petrified.
Feels like a purple prose problem where every sentence is peppered with large words and heavy description to force impact, and it ends up breaking the rhythm and flow instead. I would try to be more deliberate with your word choice and maintain a consistent style/tone.

>>25178744
My >>25178761 revision

>Colors faded away as coils of vapor covered the courtyard in a blueish haze. The grass glistened like electrictiy was flashing between the blades.. The suns, like two bright blue motes hovering side-by-side, blazed high; None of the few clouds drifting across the cyan sky were about to shade him. Ruben’s shadow was barely longer than a hand-span. His arms grayed as though the skin petrified. It was unusual for someone to stroll around here at this hour, and for good reason. He could barely keep his eyes open against the glare. His moist clothes stuck to his skin, and droplets began trailing down his forehead—but Ruben continued, unabated.
>The quadrangle courtyard was a grassy expanse dotted with a range of tropical trees and striped with white concrete-paved trails. The trees were of species imported from earth: palms, mahoganies, teaks, and ceibas, but with their fronds and leaves reddened so they could thrive in the alien light. They were still dripping the morning’s rainfall. Ruben saw the compound’s walls rear up behind the dormitory, and above the walls loomed the red treetops of the jungle beyond.
>He didn’t mind taking a shortcut through the muggy air. Good news. Only while skipping and skirting puddles along a trail to the dormitory, did those words become clear to him. The grin on his increasingly wet face grew so wide that he might have felt embarrassed if there was anyone around to see it.

>>25178744
>Coiling clouds of vapor blanketed the courtyard in a blueish mist.
to me "clouds" belong in the sky, having their position described later in the sentence adds unnecessary difficulty to developing the scene in my mind
if you want to reposition clouds to somewhere they don't belong, you could naively swap it over to become "The courtyard was blanketed in a blueish mist by coiling clouds of vapor"; constructing it like this then shows that the description itself needs further tinkering (clouds and mist in such close proximity feels unnecessary)
rearranging sentences like this reveals redundancies in your descriptions, and it can also be applied to where sentences appear in a paragraph, or clauses in a sentence
>Grass glistened as if electric arcs flashed between the blades.
i'm not sure how i ought to imagine this
>like two bright blue motes hovering side-by-side, blazed high
if you want to characterise them as motes I think they wouldn't be "blazing", mote seems to index something insignificant or imperceptible
>blueish mist
>bright blue motes
>cyan sky
if everything in this scene is blue, you should draw attention to this blueness as a whole composition, remarking on each of the colours that belong to individual parts of the scene isn't how people absorb scenery
to me it's also tricky to imagine bright blue mote-like stars against a cyan sky, wouldn't they be hard to see? if so, you should draw explicit attention to this fact somehow
>The courtyard was a sort of quadrangle
sort of? how does it differ from how a reader would typically imagine a quadrangle?
>They were still dripping the morning’s rainfall
this is awkward phrasing, "dripping" seems to describe a continuous action like a tap would drip, as if it's currently raining, and "rainfall" makes it sound more torrential than I imagine you're intending
I think this could easily be resolved by describing it as "dripping with", or "bedewed" if you meant for it to sound lighter like morning dew typically acts, or "drenched" if you want to keep it laden with moisture
>red treetops
you've already described the trees of this world as red in this paragraph
in total between the blue mist and the cyan sky and the graying arm and the white concrete I think you're describing the colours of far too many individual aspects of the scene, and it all clashes in my mind, it would be more effective to compare the shape of the canopy of the exterior jungle with the individual trees in the courtyard, describing them both as red in one passage without needing to repeat yourself
>these words
is this referring to a passage before this one? if it's referring to "Good news", that should be in quotation marks
>increasingly wet
now i'm genuinely unsure if it's raining or not, "increasingly" doesn't seem to do anything here, is condensation forming on his face like the dew on the leaves, since the rainfall was in the morning? if so, "increasingly" gives that much more alacrity and tension than it deserves

if your excerpt isn't properly formatted i won't read it, and many others won't either. every time someone says "no one ever gives me feedback", i know the nigger just pastes a wall into the post field. just take a screencap or something, please

>>25178744
Feels like this sequence is trying to do too much in too little time. Like all the different pieces of the setting (tropical trees, quadrangle corutyard, the clouds) are things Ruben should be experiencing or observing during his walk. I would try to drag it out and explain what Ruben a but more in between. Where is he going? Who is he? It's a lot of description in three paragraphs.

>>25175062
I’m a PoC, published since 2023, and I recently got featured in positive reviews in magazines. People obviously choose to read me because I’m a new and emerging voice. Yep, it feels good being part of diversity in publishing.

>>25177792
>>25177795
Never asked for your thoughts in the first place my friend. But I'm especially not sure why you posted because you don't seem to have any substantial thoughts.
>you don't have subtext because... you just don't okay?
>this passage is male-brained because... its just is okay?
>this contradicts itself because... it just does okay?
These are all things you cloud clear up by elaborating but you'd rather ragequit because you can't handle critique of your critique.

>>25178895
Great job anon we're rooting for you, post your book's title

>>25178910
Detransition, Baby

>>25178919
But Torrey Peters is white and that book was published in 2021

>>25178907
If you can't see why these are problems, don't bother posting

>>25178979
If you can't explain what the problems are, don't bother posting.

>>25178761
>>25178784
Thanks Anon. I've actually gotten that exact critique about word choice before from a friend. Something I'll need to keep paying attention to.
>breaking the rhythm and flow instead.
I think that about sums up what's bothering me the most when I reread my writing, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Everything feels constrained or "stiff".
>>25178808
Thanks for being thorough Anon. I'll keep everything here in mind.
>if you want to characterise them as motes I think they wouldn't be "blazing", mote seems to index something insignificant or imperceptible
I was trying to show that they appear smaller than our sun in the sky, but they still shine brighter nonetheless.
>is this referring to a passage before this one?
Forgot to point out that "Good News." is italicized.
>>25178826
Thanks Anon.
>I would try to drag it out and explain what Ruben a but more in between.
Definitely.

Do you guys read the New Yorker fiction?

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So I've finally finished my own self read through and line edit of my novel after letting it sit for a pretty long time. And i have a month before I hand it off to an editor. But I find myself kind of hating the entire manuscript. At points it feels too preachy, others too sentimental and saccherine, and overall a feeling of "its just kind of shit." I've had beta readers tell me they really enjoyed it, even gave plenty of good feedback of what to fix. The parts that make me want to go Hotline Miami finisher move on this stupid goddam project were things the readers didnt even notice. Do I need to let go and let the editor have at it? Give them a list of my insecurities and concerns, and let them do what they get paid to do?

Odi et amo
Or something

>>25179477
if this isn't your life's work what's it matter? send it off, refine it best you can, publish it, and move on

>>25179490
I needed this. It's hard to grapple with putting so much time into something and going "its okay I guess.." But that's part of learning and growing. Yet I have a certain grief for the novel I didn't make, the one that could have been had I been better. And maybe even a minor contempt for the one I did make.

Well, my novel is complete, more or less.

https://cityofflies.substack.com/
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/90003/city-of-flies

Gonna do a final pass after I get some feedback, but it's in a shareable state, and I intend to get it sellable sometime this Summer. I've consistently not gotten support from this board, but if anyone is interested now that it's finished, there are the links.

>>25179680
How many words are we talking? I might do a reading swap with you if you're interested, because I'm in a similar spot.

>>25179523
I understand the feeling. with any creative work its easy to focus on fulfilling the imagined ideal you have for it. I get pointlessly stressed over this and get in my own way all the time. I've found that the whole mentality should be treated as a mental roadblock. it'll send you down pointless and distracting paths trying to solve the shortcomings and issues you see. but this mentality is ultimately perfectionism, and perfectionism isn't something to be solved, it's something to be pushed through
the way I look at is that if your journey as writer isn't ending on this piece of writing, why are you stopping here? spending time improving one piece comes at the expense of improving your overall abilities. illustrators know that to improve at drawing you should continually complete new drawings, and writers know that every writer has 100 shit stories in them
you can't really observe the work process of a skilled writer the way you can in other crafts. you can go into a craftsman's workshop and see them deftly handle their tools, efficiently complete tasks, flying through a project and putting out great results. you can see them work and compare them to yourself, and there's a tangible sense of cause and effect between their years and skills. no such thing with writing. you just have to have faith in the process
finish your shit. if its your first completed novel, you'll get a strong sense of pride and satisfaction. if it's not, finishing up good work is always satisfying and seeing that you're worried about all this at all I'm sure you've put in a respectable effort. give yourself respect for the effort you've put in so far and follow through
goodluck anon

>>25179680
>royalroad
you'd probably get more attention in /wng/. nothing against webnovels personally but there's a whole thread dedicated to them
>sellable
despite having already put it up online for free? publishers typically hate that

>>25179714
>>sellable
>despite having already put it up online for free? publishers typically hate that
I'm open to publishing this traditionally, but don't see it as likely. It's obviously book one in a series (one I won't be finishing any time soon) and doesn't have a clear angle for marketing. If I sell it to a big company, I suspect it will be years from now after I've written more of a catalogue. I do wonder if I've hurt myself by putting chapters up one at at time, but I doubt it's worth fussing over. If 20 people having read the second draft is that big a deal, then I'll just keep it as a personal project and sell a few copies where I can.

Thanks for reminding me about /wng/. Will drop it there.

>>25179702
>>>25179680 (You)
>How many words are we talking? I might do a reading swap with you if you're interested, because I'm in a similar spot.
73k. I'm open to the idea, although it depends on what level of feedback you are looking for.

>>25179711
You're absolutely right. It is my first completed novel. And I do feel very proud of finishing. But it's been awhile since I've completed the novel, so the shine has worn off. And doing the second draft made me see how much work was needed. But I'm still left with a feeling of incompleteness and want. Perfectionism, as you said. So its time to start my next one while I wait for my editor. And I have some ideas. Thank you for these encouraging words!

>>25178052
it's time to start organizing the release party. we can all chip in i think for some champagne and potato chips. if we get a good collection going, i will bake a nice cake with real buttercream and everything. if you like, we can make it chocolate. it's going to be beautiful. does anybody have a karaoke machine?

>>25179680
I made it to the end of the first scene break in the first chapter. I'm not willing to wait any longer for the story to get interesting.

>>25175480
This anon here again, updates to this personal autism idea (these are set long before this excerpt, which is - ideally - towards the very end of it if I ever get that far with it)
>checking the word count for the two "finished" chapter drafts
>first chaper is 2.5k words, very nice
>second chapter is a fucking eye-watering 3.9k words
fucks sake, do I cut it down now or later?

>>25177684
>Astyu
Stopped reading right there

>>25175610
can’t even access it bruddah

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Everybody, I'm writing kino

Started actually writing my project today. It's about a government agency that employs mind readers, I posted about it a while ago. About 9 weeks coming up with ideas and planning, came up with the actual cast of characters about 3 weeks ago, came up with the general plot outline over the last week and a half. The concepts and themes involved have been kicking around in my head for a while longer and the characters even longer than that, but this is the time I spent to actually put them on paper and develop them out. I have several scenes sketched out but I started with an opening scene to be placed right at the start.
I think when I finish writing this whole thing I'll look back and decide it's a bunch of ugly retarded nonsense but for now it feels like something I both enjoy writing and feel a need to put onto paper. Will post the completed first chapter draft when done if anyone is interested.

>>25180415
sounds fun

How to actually write better prose?

>>25180825
Make a conscious effort to write worse and then start writing normally again

My story is far too transgressive for publishers and a lot of retailers. What would be the best way to find an audience for it?

>>25180849
If you ever figure that out, let us know

>>25180849
My problem is that I don't have a defined genre. My short is at the same time romance/scifi, public for both would feel uncomfortable.

>>25180888
In my case, I do have a defined genre, but my novel has some Lolita-tier content in it that’s important for the story. I’m hesitant to publish it through official channels because I feel as though some publishers would reject it outright without even considering the narrative context.

>>25180899
I feel you need some notoriety to write these sort of stories. Nabokov was already famous when he wrote Lolita, right? Plus, he was a master and his prose was fantastic. You'll probably need something like that to get published. But if you think it's really good, I'd try self-publishing.

>>25180938
Oh, self-publishing is my planned route, but my concern is that if I publish it to places like Amazon, Barnes and Noble etc., they’ll just ban the thing outright regardless of quality because there’s more hysteria around the subject matter now than there was in Nabokov’s day. The novel is completely finished save for a final pass, so I was actually considering posting it here on /lit/ for free and then archiving it for free reading and download if all else fails.

>>25180948
Well, try it first to get actually published. You never know, maybe catch the editor in a good day. If not, try Amazon. If they ban it, it is what it is. After that I'd try these online chapter-by-chapter websites. If nothing works then, let it go and move on to another story.

If your pronouns are they/them then do you say “I” or “we?”

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>>25181010

>>25180849
You have to develop a socialk media following now

>>25181010
You say nigger/faggot

Anyone here tried to publish on Smashwords?

>>25179761
Mine is 125k words. I'm not looking for full editorial feedback. What works, what doesn't, what needs fixing. Not how to fix it, just notes being like "this feels xyz" or "this phrase is overused" or "this is/isnt working"

starlight.beta.reads@gmail.com
If you're interested.