i wrote a short story, it's a little under 10k words, It's a science fiction, and my first attempt at serious writing. I'm a novice.It's titled "Artificial Humane Household Hologram">https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XofFCueT38GWuSLOBDhDYrKdYbsbZ-FvANfzvsxQUqY/edit?usp=sharingThe basic plot ; The sole survivor of a lab malfunction is trapped in an underground base with an malfunctioning dream altering device. It starts to torture him in longer and longer dream hells.It was inspired directly by the short story "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream" . I felt compelled to write my own take on that idea
>jewgle docsNo.Drop it in a pastebin
>>25175799https://pastebin.com/w3X8DAFv
>>25175784pity bump for interest , the story is clearly amaturish and too action oriented, but it is......i guess weird enough at points to warrent checking out> "It was a misinput! Misinput! Calm down! You CALM THE FUCK DOWN!" It reassured the employees as it hit them with another volley of machine gun fire. "IT WAS A MISINPUT! God, *kachunk* this workplace is over reacting..."Lol
bumped for anon having the courage to share with the class
>>25175799What is with this site's autism about file formatting. On the fucking porn boards you've got guys arguing for dozens of replies about video formatting.
>>25175818haven't read the full thing yet but from the first few lines, it's insane how ugly the 'd' sound is in english, completely derails the feel of the text. unrelated to your story ig op
>>25175784>opening line(s) & paragraph(s) don't immediately nope out>humorous, bizarreI'd enjoy it more as a Film Script. It would lend itself to animation.
>>25178149Everyone here is 1-5 standard deviations above average intelligence and autistic
>>25175784I liked it! Thanks for sharing. Not a fan of the corny references to other media though.
>>25175784Thanks for sharing.I liked the imagery. Well done.The prose needs a bit of polishing, there's some unnecessary filter words, some sentences that could be tightened. But that's true of most stories. It is solid almost throughout the story.I would consider replacing the pop culture references with world-specific references, if you want them at all. They somewhat cheapened what was happening because as I read them my mind wandered to where I had heard the reference, which means my mind left the story for a brief second. I get what you were using them for, but they're more distracting than they're helpful.Lose the onomatopoeia. You clearly have both the vocabulary and the voice to place the reader in the room without resorting to it. Don't second guess that part of your writing. The story pacing is good enough that you can (and probably should) move on to larger and more complex projects than this. If this is your first attempt at serious writing, then you need something that you will fail at. Without a spectacular failure, you're liable to stay as you are and not advance. I.e ego bruises are good, and you should go get some.
>>25178382nobody here is autistic
