>>25186529
is the obnoxious word repetition intended?

>>25186529
>Zero effort made in formatting
Not reading that kys

>>25186529
>1.94 MB JPG
>is my prose decent or is it terrible and I should kms
Idk but it hurts my eyes not seeing a single paragraph. Fix it and I may read it.

>>25186544
I had to fit it in a jpg

>>25186546
if only there was a way of posting a second image
your decision making certainly isnt the biggest sales pitch for your written text

It is FAR too repetitive and stagnant, there’s just a lot of “I’m X. I’m X”. I’m not an expert, but I think you can definitely do better, much better. There’s clearly a desire there. Otherwise you wouldn’t post it here for us all to see. And these days writers get published for much worse prose. Read some poetry, I think it helps you find a flow for prose. Might help with that prolixity problem you have too.

>>25186541
yes

>>25186551
thank you for the honesty

>>25186549
well i figured putting it in one image would be better actually, because if its 2 or more people usually take one look and go im not reading all that

>>25186552
what point are you making with it? what point are you working towards?
i think answering these two questions might help you polish up what you have
hard to suggest much beyond that since i dont have the full scope but maybe some of those self-observations could be more spread out and actively shown in a way that makes the reader figure it out themselves?

>>25186529
The theme is incredibly trite.

>>25186529
First person perspective will never be taken seriously by one such as I

>>25186566
Yeah that’s what girl books are written in anon

>>25186564
my life is quite boring
i try to write about interesting things but usually its obvious in the writing that i have no experience with it

>>25186566
I looked at the post and I felt dissguted. I instantly knew what a bozo was behind it - I was certain of it. I could see the dubs at the end of the post and I considered checking them. Not today, though, not a good time.

>>25186529
who are your influences?

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>>25186529
>wah wah wah
That's all I understood from your babble. And yeah it sucks.

>>25186571
Lautréamont and Sartre are my favorites at the moment

>>25186554
Sure. Don’t kill yourself, at least until you’re happy enough with your work that you feel confident enough in it you don’t have to ask a bunch of pretentious, cynical faggots (speaking of /lit/ in general, of course) if it’s good or bad.

>>25186573
having this image saved is very telling

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>i'm just thinking, i'm thinking about how small and strange i am. I'm thinking about... And while im looking... I see the... I see the... I see the.. I see the.. I see the... and while i see those... i feel as if they are... and now im thinking... i'm thinking.... im thinking about the.... im thinking about how.... how repetitive my existence is... im thinking about how...

Bro, why are you writing this like? It doesn't feel smooth or deep. It feels surface level.

Personally, instead of
>I've driven home from work and i'm sitting in my car, parked on the curb, with the engine off and the headlights off, and the interior light off but with my seatbelt on.

I think it should be more like
>Why does one question how insignificant they seem to be during times of silence? As i sit here parked on the side of the road in my car, exhausted from my shift at the local chocolate factory, a place where i distract myself from the depressing thoughts that wander into my mind, at times as of solitude. Why do I feel as if i have no control over my life? This question has been something I've......

^^^^ this is on the top of my head, but give it some life brother.

>>25186599
based schizo

>>25186529
it's alright

>>25186616
but I don't work at a chocolate factory
even that would be far too interesting for me

>>25186616
wow your take is even worse than the original
at least the original has honesty to it

>>25186624
Perfect, it sounds like you're going to share your version.

Lets compare, provide yours :)

>>25186620
Im sure there are interesting aspects of your life, talk about those.

>>25186634
buddy i barely meet my own deadlines, you want my take? pay me

>>25186529
>I've driven home from work and I'm sitting in my car, parked on the curb, with the engine off and the headlights off, and the interior light off but with my seatbelt on.

All pointless useless details I don't need to know, just write that you are sitting in your car, the reader will understand that the car is off and that is parked. Just cut that fluff

>>25186529
You have a lot of decent ideas, and some good prose but this format is a mess, without a central idea, it's just a daunting to work through this. You need line breaks, 4 different poems, decentralize yourself and make it funnier. good instincts tho.

>>25186529
People here are gonna say it sucks no matter what because 4chan is full of edgy contrarians. Why did you post it here?

>>25186695
no one in real life to show it to
only my mom and she'll just tell me she loves it no matter what

>>25186711
she sounds like a sensual woman if shes into arts like that

>>25186643
If you arent able to articulate an alteration within a few minutes, then it indicates
>your lack of deadlines being met
>your lack of worth in being paid for such a trivial request
>your lack of quality in critique

took me a few minutes to write the alternative vibe

>>25186711
Ever heard of Gemini? ChatGPT? Deepseek? Claude?....

Ask them to review it, then ask for a review as if they were (name an author).... Use some imagination.

>>25186770
you'd rather me ask an AI chatbot to review my writing than real people...

>>25186774
I rather you ask humans and AI, so that your perspectives are not so limited.

>>25186765
what is buddy barely if not an alliteration?

>>25186778
Ai is so sychophantic that using an ai editor is sorta like how a postmodern person with no identity does self reflection

>>25186886
>postmodern
passé

>>25186529
Level 1 Reader here, just got back into reading these past couple of months.

>lines 1-5
The almost list style notation of facts and sights with comma after comma gives us very immediately a sense of the protag's state and mindset. He's cramped, the commas give a very cramped and cut quality to protag's thoughts.
As protag insists and repeats " the noun...the noun, I see... , I see..." I think there's a sense that the exact this or that of what he sees isn't important. Instead it's all very distant to him, regardless of how close or far something is, it's distant to the protag. Like he's looking out from the cramped window of his body at unreal things.
Everything he sees is noted rather clinically or dryly, "...seatbelt on... the windshield... the neighbourhood... the trees... the gardens... the houses... the fog"
As if protag is seeing all this without texture, colour, or shape; all just a dull vagueness in front of his eyes.
When the protag follows this with talk of simultaneous beauty and crushing devastation I'm not sure I believe what he's saying, or that protag believes it themself. Like he's pretending or possibly hopes convince himself.
"...I'm thinking about the trajectory of my life and how it has been so unpredictable and upsetting."
Again, observation but no feeling. Everything the protag observes or thinks on gets painted with the quality of being lifeless and still, "the trees... the gardens... so unpredictable... upsetting"
Since the dialogue is very inward, the protag being very internal, receded even, I might advise you consider how events or others would contrast the protag's 'voice' and perspective. It's all well and good when the protag is sat, confined, still, enclosed, safe, while looking over this and that with dull eyes but what then if the protag's spoken to? Say someone knocks on the car window and interrupts the mental dialogue, what then?
Think about the rhythm and feeling of the reader, is the reader to be submerged and mired always by the protag's dull and apparently near lifeless senses?
Take everything I write with a grain of salt of course or feel free to discard it, I'm no authority.
Think about whether or not the protag's dialogue is self-indulgent, and if it is, think about how deliberate and measured this is on your part.
I'm not especially in the mood to read the whole, that's all for now.

>>25186910
How you managed to format this worse than the OP is remarkable

e-ez...

>>25186529
I think it’s usually best to leave out “I’m thinking about, I see, I feel” stuff out cause the readers already know it’s a first person narration and everything inside it is what the narrator feels, sees, and thinks. Writing a good prose is more about what not to say more than what to say. Hope that helps.

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>>25186529
did you write this to hold the interest of others? it reads as if you're just rambling to yourself, stuck in a little pit of confined subjectivity, scratching some private itch. good writing extend out to generate a shared structure of surprising meanings and invites others to explore and respond to it. paradoxically when people just catalogue the scattered debris lining their pit-of-subjectivity it's the same debris as you find in everyone else's. good writing charts a network of exploratory paths outward, it draws new forces into its field, but your screenshot seems to be spiralling inwards, to a grey vanishing point, and my first instinct is to run away before i get trapped.

>>25186529
>And I'm just thinking.
Stopped there. Fuck you suck

>>25186529
kys