First chapter of a gnostic creation Mythos/ sci-fi fantasy thing I have going. Opinions?
>>25191515>gnostic scifiHow original.
>>25191515Not a fan of your word choices, "Bastille" and "Twain" made me nope out. Nothing personal.
>@grok here is my first draft, go through every third or so word, check a thesaurus and replace it with the most obnoxious word
You're not allowed to make up your own names unless you have construected your own complete language. Tolkiens law.
>>25191515This sounds vaguely interesting, but I can't understand half of what you are saying. You're neglecting the first rule of good prose: the meaning needs to be clear. You also have sentences that run for very long without a clear purpose. And all these expensive words. Just why? They're not helping in picturing your world any better. You use 'jubilant' but the guys are in a gothic prison or something. Why would the be 'jubilant'? And this present tense is not doing you any favors.
>>25191515Elaborate shitpost?
>>25191515formatting sucks, and if you can't put effort into basic readability, then I have no faith in the effort you put into writingjust indent the paragraphs you fuck
>>25191515I didn't understand anything bro.
>>25191515Honestly, I quite like it. In terms of prose, you quite nailed it. (except for the fucking "Bastille" word)Of course, it remains to be seen, whether the overall plot structure and supposed gnostic literary themes of your "fantasy thing" would not fall short of the high bar of expectations already set by this intro. But so far, you have my tentative interest.
>>25191857
>>25191515I think the idea you have in your head is kinda cool, but it can be portrayed better. The way the sequence moves, from a macro view of the procession to the individual level is good almost like the establishing shots of a film bringing you closer and closer into the protagonist's view.On the other hand, it reads extremely, extremely thesaurus-y. >The anfractuous trek toward the chasm's egress is met by the transition to a vantage point where the totality of the profane metropolis's encumbrance abates all forms of hope.This line for example showcases the issue well. There is an issue of the prose sounding a little too detached and cold, which could be fine and fitting for a frigid, uncaring world, but when combined with the heavy word choice it comes off as scientific or clinical, which doesn't match the setting. Your diction also makes it harder to get over some of these very long sentences, which don't seem like they need to be this long. Also watch for typos and double spaces I see a few such as "having borne witness to [its] debased machinations," or "Their imprisonment was..." at the end there.
>>25191515I read it. That first page is fucking impenetrable. I'd attempt to simplify it a bit, or undo this:>>25191558> but wait, there's morekek.Once I got about halfway through the second page is suddenly became very readable and started to feel like a story instead of a PhD's first attempt at fiction. I really liked it from that point on and would happily continue reading it.
>>25191515The text does give an impression as if I'm playing Darkest Dungeon, and some lovecraftian supervillain is narrating me something.The purple prose is not necessarily bad, especially if something like that was your intent.
Bro plz at least make the formatting easy to skim through in one quick go firsf
My first reco is make it sound more human
A thing can only be as attractive as it is true.Why write a fake myth teasing with truth but not bring truth?, when you can call down the voice of a god and reveal something real.
anfractuous
>>25191988I read the opening again. I think removing adjectives would help a lot> The involuntary procession comes to heed before the steeply inclined rampart leading to the acropolis bearing the anointed officials and highborn, whose decadent pleasure halls and insidious battlements sit below the central towering citadel and personal chambers of the nefarious god-king, cast into idolatry by this plant's sybaritic denizens> The procession comes to heed before the rampart leading to the acropolis bearing the anointed officials and highborn, whose pleasure halls and battlements sit below the central towering citadel and personal chambers of the nefarious god-king, cast into idolatry by this plant's sybaritic denizens.I think this latter paragraph reads a lot better.>The anfractuous trekThanks for teaching me a new word, but you really could just go with 'winding' instead.Just a bunch of small changes like this I think would do wonders for it. Otherwise, cool story OP.
>>25192163Same kind of mistakes I would've made as a kid that didn't understand the world they live in
A lifetime of reading manchild core "literature" is what produced this.
>>25191515Not enough pendulous phalluses
>>25191515I lasted two sentences.What pompous, overwritten drivel.
>>25191515I can't decide if this is better or worse than The Flight to Lucifer.
