Would you read more?
>>25193552you've clearly never read a book and thought you could write one after watching a netflix show didn't you ?
>>25193562Projection.
>>25193552For a few more pages. If the writing style doesn't change after another 3 pages or something I am dropping that shit.
>>25193552I'm not reading left aligned shit, I'm not a liberal or some shit
>>25193564Thanks for the feedback.
>>25193552Can you make the sentences shorter ? My attention span only lasts up to 4 words, yours are 6 on average
>>25193552audiobook link or btfo
>>25193580https://prairieandzoyd.podbean.com/e/ed-at-colonus-a-macabre-tale/
>>25193569My attention is pretty fucked right know, because I am at work and supposed to be working. But as far as I can tell the writing style seems more bearable now. Maybe it changed or maybe I just got used to it. Pacing seems solid enough for me. First line confuses me (page 2) though. Third and Fourth sentence makes me believe this is some form of Sci-Fi or Fantasy stuff. Or he is just schizo, but that wouldn't be the first option that comes to my mind. But it will probably get revealed what is going on there. Second sentence confuses me. Talk in the sense that he is now physically able to talk? Did the paralyze his tongue or some shit? Or in the sense of 'having a talk'?. But that would be strange because there is only one person talking. Or in the sense of talking about something specific, like confessing. Would make sense know, but confused me when I did read it first because I didn't know anything about a crime when I read the first line. But it would be strange too because of the 'finally'. Is the prison or whatever location that is really that bureaucratic that he has to wait so long to confess. Shouldn't a confession be quick? Or he like didn't have the guts to confess and means 'finally' because he finally find the balls to confess while being scared for a long time about it. Don't take my rambling to serious though. I am not concentrated at all. Attention is supposed to be on evaluating different AI agents. Lord help me.
>>25193569So he killed his mom because he thinks she raped his ability to be a man, fucked her skull, and has an unconscious attraction to Oedipus Rex. But he does this whole howdy-doo-dah act where he plays a retard and is capable of following the diction of Sophocles without articulating what he actually likes about it?I think it's all a little insincere. I think instead of it coming off as horrifying or like he's genuinely unstable, I feel like he knows exactly what he's doing. Is the reader supposed to be skeptical of him, or do they know he's full of shit and are just humoring him? If the reader knows he's full of shit, you have to make the act less cloying and a bit more sincere, otherwise it feels like some freak is monologuing to you on the bus.
>>25193552err... pretty sure JFK said that AFTER he took a bullet to the back of the neck
>>25193569>the guy who wrote the Odyssey, uh, Homer, he was blind too. >So am I. I guess. But I'm trying to better myself, arent't I? I read to others. Try to build them up. Try to fill them with stories...Is this story being spoken or written? Please figure that out and write accordingly. Because if someone is transcribing a voice I doubt they'd put "I guess" as its own sentence unless the narrator is speaking extremely slow, but this text doesn't seem to want to be read extremely slow, honestly. If he's writing it, why the "uh"? Anyway not bad. I don't really buy the character >it felt like apple pie on my tongue. Sweet for my heart and brain.but whatever. Bit cliche and unauthentic. Like the author is superior to a type of stereotype instead of empathetic to a type of man.
>>25193637Thanks for reading. He’s talking into a dictaphone so it’s just a transcription of everything he’s saying, including when he’s tongue-tied or searching for words. It probably works better as the audiobook, which I linked in the thread, but if it’s not engrossing then I’m just using this thread as a way to learn how to get better. I uploaded this story online mainly for critique because I felt strongly about it when I wrote it. But I struggled with showing rather than telling.
>>25193644tbf It's much more engrossing than a lot of the stuff I've read here or in other writing circles. Just not for me.
>>25193552Sorry anon, first-person narration is not a serious art form.
>>25193552I enjoyed it. Strong voice. My critiques might come down to personal preference or style but some repeating phrases sounded weird like the "most guys... my name," followed by "the gals... my name." There's another that goes "...in the the thick of it," and the next sentence goes "...til the end of it." They stick out a little on otherwise pretty smooth prose. I'd also personally tweak some of the short punch sentences to flow a bit differently for the reader and make some others shorter and punchier.Examples of the first:>Free Love weren't a thing for me. On account of being in the asylum.I think this could be one sentence with a comma but you keep talking about dictaphones maybe that's how they transcribe and that's what you're going for, I don't know.Examples of the second: >Y'know, blue collar types.>Mom never showed me how to.You can drop the first word of these without losing meaning in context and it'd read closer to what you're going for.
>>25193564Why would you assume it would change after three pages? Has a book ever done that?
>>25193552Too many periods. Comma is your friend, unless you are making a point of reading as unpleasant as possible
I would read about 10 pages of this.After a while the style would grate on me, but I do find it interesting.
It kind of reads like a memoir, but it has none of the trappings of contemporary autofiction. I'd say you're facing an uphill battle.
>>25193552>>25193569I'll generally agree with these anons >>25193617 >>25193637 >>25195160. I made the mistake of reading the reply about Oedipus before finishing, which spoiled the story, which I think is a bad sign for something short like this, as in it's more of a punchline than an idea you work with. There should be some benefit to re-reads, rather than feeling like that degree of surprise is necessary. But you do set it up decently, and I found it interesting enough to complete.There's some degree of incoherence that puts me off, like it very clearly jumps between what you're trying to establish about this guy and only tie them together via the punchline of the Sphinx analogy. There's an obvious relationship between these things, like the obvious blame placed on his mother, but the bitterness only appears when talking about her and doesn't bubble up (much) anywhere else like would be natural. Nor do his delusions of grandeur come in at all until you get onto the stuff about the books he's reading, which feel a little ham-fisted, and ultimately, again, like you're just setting up a punchline for this analogy you came up with. It all feels somewhat loosely threaded. Don't just do them one at a time.On the dictaphone thing: why not try to make it more structurally obvious? I imagine something like that must spit out a transcription that looks closer to a script than neat paragraphs, and would not only make the transcription more obvious but also give you a more natural set of tools to convey the converted speaking voice, e.g., sudden sentence ends that are followed by line breaks to indicate distraction and silence. Could be very long sentences with line breaks instead of periods. I dunno, might be too much. But anyway, take advantage of what unique things that format offers you rather than disguising it and leaving it as a stumbling block for the reader. I think it's a neat idea, but you haven't done much with it.And if you aren't already, read your writing aloud to yourself. It's a good thing to do in general, but Especially here since you're trying to capture speech, and it should sound natural. Remove clichés unless they're essential to characterising his speech.The book stuff could be pared down lots, since there's only one that has much meaning to the story.The relationship to the listener/receiver is tenuous. Some purpose should be clear there, and be used, as otherwise this is just a monologue with a discordant format.The one anon points out repetition, but I won't say ditch it but rather be more careful and use it to modulate the pace and rhythm. What's repeated should tell us something about this Mr. Ed Gein you're trying to construct.Anyway, not bad, definitely better than the average here, and I think you can do better if you put some thought to it.>>25193619lol
>>25193552reads like chudcore
Your biggest problem is flow. Read your writing out loud and identify where there is friction in how it sounds. Best place to start would be adding some variety in sentence length.
>>25193682You would say Lolita isn't art?
>>25193552the first page is good but i think yo go too early into the biography. it becomes overkill at a certain point. do we really need the life story? and mom and dad's story too? at this point?
