Never shown anyone my writing before, want to know if I should continue keeping it to myself.
>>25195848It seems fine to me, but you should split your paragraphs into smaller paragraphs so it doesn't look like giant blocks of text.
>>25195848Your very first sentence is grammatically incorrect. I suggest learning ENGLISH before trying to write something serious.
>>25195848>She sat there, listening while I rambled Wow she's just like meExcept I'm not listening because I don't careNor am I gonna read all that if it's just your rambling stupid opinions
>>25195857that's intentional
>>25195877What's the error and what's the point of you making it?
>>25195883I'm a native English speaker and write on vibes so I have no idea what grammar rules if any were broken. Either way I'm trying to capture an anxious stream of consciousness where thoughts often bleed into incoherence/grammatical incorrectness.
>>25195848Unless this is some strange stylistic choice, your sentences are split up, with too many commas, and sound kind of choppy, just like this. You're trying to express too many thoughts per line. It reads like an internal monologue, and not in an "Notes From the Underground" kind of way. There a few formatting issues too, especially with the dialouge. When a character is saying something, put it on a new line. Also, separate each cluster of ideas into paragraphs to help the flow. A general rule of thumb in writing is show, don't tell. You do a lot of telling. Instead of explicitly stating "Her face finally shifted [...] she looked concerned", give me some visuals. How did you know she looked concerned? What was her expression like? Good writing is specific and vivid. Right now it reads like a transcription of a witness testimony. Honestly I can mark it up English teacher style with some more specific notes, if you want more feedback.
>>25195913yea it is a stylistic choice, seems like it doesnt work though? Would appreciate more feedback yeah, thank you.
>>25195940NTA, the voice itself isn't very compelling. The thing you are thinking of doing could work but you didn't manage it. The narrator darts between sounding like slam poetry and the inner machinations of Dexter Morgan. Also punctuation in quotation formatting is "done like this," with the period or comma inside the quote, not the other way around.
Seeing so many "I"s feels wrong to me. I'm very conscious of this when writing something in first person (including >my diary) but sometimes it feels uncomfortable avoiding it. Am I wrong to see a problem with it?
>>25195848Also to answer your question yes you may not have been as good as you thought you were but getting advice will only help you continue to grow and you will be better for it
>>25195907>endless stream of thoughts Why is everyone trying to write like this nowadays?
If your character is anxious and insecure it might help to either flesh out his mindset a little more or write from a third-person perspective. This reads like a couple of shallow insecurities that don't stem form anything. I'm not following the character's logic here. Often an effective tirade like you're trying to write here feels more like watching a building being demolished; it does not immediately go from building to pile of rubble, there is a bang or collision (catalyst), it buckles at the base, it begins to cave inward, smoke and debris start to rise, the structure wavers and seems like it might remain standing only for its erect state to buckle further and further before collapsing in on itself, transitioning into a heap as the cloud grows larger and envelops it. I'm sure you've felt anxious or uncertain in your life. Walk us through it so the pain is more engrossing and I feel more for this character instead of "I'm guilty. I'm overthinking. Am I insightful? No." Start with what feels natural and edit after until it's pretty and meaningful.
>>25196615A master in his craft has already mastered the fundamentals and so knows how to break the rules artfully; the hack copes by saying he doesn't care about the rules although he doesn't even know what they are. Splattering paint.
>>25196623Ok master, what rule did I break? From what I can tell, the sentence isn’t even grammatically incorrect, but since I don’t know every grammar rule of my native tongue, I figured I must have missed something, but it seems fine to me on closer inspection.
>>25195848>IIt appears too often, Anon. The sign of a feeble mind. Go read something you like that is equally navel-gazing and you’ll see that word appears less often.
>>25196875>of what I’m guilty ofA phrase shouldn’t end with a proposition. Just read that phrase out loud. If you are a native English speaker you will understand it sounds stupid.>inb4 Reddit copypasta about how rule against sentence fina prepositions is fake French rule that doesn’t fit in EnglishThat’s cope. Once again, read it out loud. You should be able to hear that it sounds wrong.
>>25195907Faggot zoomer
>>25195940Here's my feedback. I am NOT claiming to be an expert novelist or anything, these are just my suggestions.
>>25197252A more helpful redline for OP than present-day /ic/ could ever hope to provide
>>25197555Thank you kindly.
>>25197252Oh also I forgot to mark the periods outside the quotes. "You need to format dialogue like this," Anon said. "Keep punctuation inside!"
>>25195907>I'm a native English speaker and write on vibes
>>25195848So ... many ... commas.
>>25195848What a whiny pussy the marin character is. He should get raped
>>25195848You're good (although I don't care for first person narratives). You have talent, if that's what you wanted to verify. You're skilled enough to weave long sentences without making them unreadable. Keep reading good stuff and writing.
>>25195851OP, don't listen to this faggot. Saramago felt such contempt for midwits like this guy that he didn't even use punctuation. I'm not saying to reach those extremes, but also don't stupidify your writing to pander to them.
>>25195913>Unless this is some strange stylistic choiceHe's clearly trying to recreate the rambling-like quality of internal overthinking, for fuck's sake, he clearly says as much in the text.You midwits should start reading before critiquing. Muh "write only short sentences" bullshit. Surprised you didn't also say "show don't tell".
>>25195913>show, don't tellYou can immediately recognize the shitwits because they LOVE to regurgitate this piece of advice without even understanding why it was created.I suggest you read some classics. Any classic. See how well they respect your little gay rules.
>>25197648Saramago broke the rules because he knew what they were. OP does not have a strong sense of English grammar. You cannot intentionally break a rule you don't know exists, but you CAN make grammatical errors and chalk them up to "poetic license" when called out for them.
>>25197660I've read plenty of classics. I'm majoring in English, it's hard to avoid them.
>>25197655No one said to "just write short sentences". You can write long sentences, as long as you can write them well. You need to have a fundamental understanding of clauses and punctuation before you throw a bunch of sentence fragments together and call it "stream of consciousness".
>>25197087ah ok so I was right I didn't break a grammar rule. you are a pseud and I will ignore your feedback
>>25197252thanks Anon this is very helpful
>>25197706Of course, happy to help. Keep writing and getting critique, I think you have something here!
