What do you guys think?
>>25331351>So you're telling me...I stopped here. This line isn't spoken to a character, it's spoken to the audience. This is textbook bad dialogue.
>>25331353>This line isn't spoken to a character,
>>25331351This is terribly cliched writing but it's fine if it's your first draft (the hardest part is creatings something from nothing). Learn about avoiding on the nose dialogue (google, there are tons of sources). Prepare to rewrite this at least a dozen times.
>>25331360I'm not that other guy, I'm me."So you're telling me" is fine. Nothing wrong with that if it's at the start of a scene. We naturally assume it's following on from some unwelcome revelation.I'm more concerned about the general silly vulgar rude childishness of the whole thing. That might be OK for some sorts of film, perhaps. But you're going to have to work hard if you want me to view either of these two characters with anything other than irritation. If they're supposed to be serious adults doing something serious, don’t have them behaving like badly-brought-up six-year-olds.OK, that's a bit harsh perhaps. Perhaps Mia and B are rough diamonds whose diamond nature will emerge. It's just that modern films so often expect us to like characters who indulge in this sort of snarky unnecessary incivility. Admirable people don't behave like this.Again, it does depend what sort of film it is, and exactly who they are, and what the situation is, of course.On a technical level I don't think you want to break up "Me? . . . I usually sleep" into two voice tags.CHARACTER BMe? . . . <SLIGHT PAUSE> . . . I usually sleep.Would be how it's usually done I think.
>>25331406>"So you're telling me" is fine.I'm >>25331353 and of course it is but I meant with the ellipsis to indicate that entire line which I can't be fucked to write out entierly
>>25331406>I'm more concerned about the general silly vulgar rude childishness of the whole thingVisit your local indie film festival sometime and half or more of them will be written like this. I don't know what it is but movies with that style writing are like candy to these fucking indie festivals. Meanwhile my weird artsy no-budget productions barely get selected...
This is the equivalent of sending strangers a screenshot of your stool sample and asking them to diagnose you. No, this doesn’t look good.
>>25331351you are stuffing exposition into dialogue in a very bad, fake and unnatural way. yes, a lot of bad movie writing is like this, but that doesn't make it acceptable
>>25331418Ah, OK. You mean, the line as a whole is clunky because surely she would know about the food situation before they actually started the trip? i.e. it's a clear info-dump to bring the audience up to speed? Well maybe. I think you could just about get away with it. I've seen much worse.
This is my first attempt at writing dialogue. -K: "Ah, fuck no"M: "It's Fellini"K: "It's black and white. Again"M: "Yes"K: "You. Back me up. Now"N: "It's a well known movie, historically important..."K: "So is Britney Spears!"M: "You did not compare Otto e Mezzo to Britney Spears"K: "No. A Britney song is done and out in two minutes. This is...two hours and half?!"M: "Two hours and 18 minutes"K: "Same difference! What is it even about"M: "A movie director, navigating creative paralysis, memory, desire, and the..."K: "It's a movie about making a movie. Fantastic. Congratulations"M: "That is a reductive..."K: "AM I WRONG"M: "Very. The meta narrative alone is..."K: "Does anyone explode? Are there gangsters at least?"M: "Kasey"K: "Come on you coward. Tell her you'd rather watch Heat again"N: "But I don't. I want to watch this"K: "Bullshit. You just want to appease her"M: "He proposed it"K: "Seriously?! Why do I have to live with you two"
thoughts?
>>25331406>>25331427OP here, and it's actually supposed to be for something that eventually be animated, not filmed. At least, maybe some day anyway :0
>>25331384Is the writing really that bad? I mean it actually seems pretty decent with the real make it or break it issue at hand here being how well the Actors/VAs can deliver. That and the actual quality and style of cinematography/animation if it ever reaches that point anyway
>>25331636NTA but like anon said there's stuff to build on here but yes at this stage the writing is very bad.
>>25331589OK I can see it fitting a cartoon better than live-action, perhaps. Everything is a bit more, well, cartoonish. You can get away with stuff that you couldn't in a traditional film.
>>25331589Only scumbags write scripts for cartoons. A real cartoonist storyboards.
>>25331636It's not a great opening. I wouldn't mind if a portion of the middle of the movie were this mediocre. This doesn't come across as inspired or anything.Of course everything else is dogshit too nowadays. Dogshit is very capable of winning awards even. But no, this script doesn't make me want it to continue.
>>25331688>It's not a great opening. I wouldn't mind if a portion of the middle of the movie were this mediocreOh, yeah it's not the opening, it's just a scene that happens whenever>>25331681>A real cartoonist storyboards.Working on that actually, but haven't nailed down character design, like at all. Besides maybe Character B having a sort of Marlon Brando thing going on, at least in regard to build and nothing else. And don't even think I'll keep Mia as a name desu.
>>25331351>As you know Bob dialogue
>>25331529Was this divinely inspired?
If you start from right out the gate with cliche dialogue, the reader can only predict that the rest will be just as cliche and overdone. It's like if a teacher gave the same lesson two days in a row: we get it, what's the point? Why are we hearing this again?
>>25331351>character b lets out a soft chuckle..."You mean the chaos emeralds?"
>>25331351It's like I'm watching a video game cutscene
first page of my latest attachedOP, you need to put some action lines in to tell us where the fuck we are and what were supposed to see in our head
>>25331406So you're telling me so you're telling me is fine?
>>25331529i think you have something here, anon
>>25331520They seem to get heated over something really trivial. I personally don't know anyone who would bicker so much over a movie night unless it held some greater significance. This tends to happen when the author is building their world as they write line by line, instead of putting pre-understood characters in a situation. In short, you're going into a several-draft process at best, trying to figure out how much characters want something retrospectively.
