With trembling hands, he opened the envelope.
Glitter and ribbons exploded at his face
"You're invited to the international farting competition!!!"
The miniature embedded speaker then farted extensively
>>25599299, says the first line of the letter.
Went back and ruined two contributions award
>>25599273"Pingas Pingas Pingas Pingas!" I scream, maddeningly
Scuddles read the letter carefully, then realized
he'd better start brushing up on his
uhhhh...ummm....ability to start reading better?
"Yow... yowor... invid? invived...?" Scuddles shook his
fingertips and smacked his lips, he thought
he was going to have an aneurysm
and so he did, flailing onto linoleum!
luckily that was just his nervous tick
To prepare he started with eating beans.
Black beans, pinto beans, refried beans, garbanzo
Clammed chowder, too! Oh, beans, whoops...anyways...
Scuddles' kitchen filled with the sweet aroma
Of carbon monoxide! Ahhhh Scuddle's nooooooooo don't!
It was bad but not competitively gassy
and so Scuddle's ignored it, humming as
he once again plummeted, now dying of
he inserted a sparkler into his asshole
he knew Anne Frank will be prepared
and when he farted, the sparkler exploded!
The well built black man woke up in a shock, startling the pale southern belle he had been sleeping with, their affair being far from the first.
blowing glitter and ribbons everywhere. Messy Scuddles!
Editors note: I removed gay shit (im antisemitic)
With assured hands, confirmed attendance by Letter.
A doleful knock sounded at the door:
"Knock." "I wonder who that could be"
I better bloody well answer it then
Here I go, over to the door
Nearly there, just a few more steps
The USPS guy... Wants me to sign
for a package containing a whole bunch
of blackface dolls. Based." Scuddles whipped out
a jar of tartar sauce wherewith he
oiled his genitalia in order to reduce
friction between the dool faces and his
genitalia, signing his name on the door
Amazing the postman with his unique artistry
With Penis-Pen dangling, a new figure approached
>>25599536Dashing in his hotdog costume, he pulled
>>25599547his dick out and ordered to me:
Que puta es la belircha que relincha
Remove the fucking catchpa- thread too fast
espèce de salopard, もう我慢できないよ!
But Pa could not remove the catch
"are you having a seizure?", I said
22, novel written by the American writer
>>25599572Francis Robert Augustus Elijah Joseph Khachaturian,
stage name David Seville, from his anus.
"Need help with that?" the USPS guy
helpfully helpulated. Pa scowled and spat his
own entrails out of his body, as
>>25599608they were itching him something fierce *Ptchoo*
His entrails returned on a second sneeze
Suddenly, a wild pack of niggers appeared.
(it's funny because it's racist, get it?)
they shouted "never should of come here!"
(no, i'm gonna need you to explain
why your racist caricatures sounds like Oblivion
Suddenly, the anti-racist cuck squad gayly appeared
Hey fellas, anybody read any Marx lately?
AIIIIEEEEE KILL KILL KILL said Scuddles, calmly
"Nooo, camrade, what are you doing... ACK!"
and then George opened his wallet to
send 0.00000013 bitcoin he had to India
because he had been contacted by Microsoft
Support agent called Ranjeet who found virus
They said they had my masturbation tapes
and the ones with na are embarrassing
Ranjeet explained to George that he should
because mixed with Cl they become salt.
He should not redeem the gift card
>>25599273One story, seven words, complete, the end
it doesn't even matter, I tried so
but George could barely understand Ranjeet's screaming
"Put your penis in me!""Okay, mom."
It was National Fuck Your Son Day
"Hey, you. You're finally awake" sleep lingered
Was it...? Was it really though? Come on.
Like we really need another bullshit holiday
"you were trying to cross the border"
The bus stop obviously smelled of rape
because past events and such- who cares
Take my cum you fucking slut whore!
Police officer took sample of Scuddles cum
Scuddles begins reciting the declaration of independence
Scuddles was first and foremost a patriot
>>25600859therefore he donated all his income to
BROUGHT TO YOU BY:MOSSA SE VOGLIO.
>>25600932the International Fartletics Committee, organizer of the
deutscher Rechtsstaat
i forgot to also mention
that a random chimp event was happening?!?
Nasty cumfarts! This will win international contest!
Cumfarting was cutting-edge competitive farting technique. Cumfarting
should not be confused with Bernie sanders
However the chimps were also reaching for
an unregistered fiream, so I open fire
with my fart gun. I bought it
from an odd fellow named Kant, whom
I recognise as my beloved philosophical father.
With whom I had metaphysical incest dreams
riding down the Interstate-10 looking for a
large Nutella sandwich with some Sauvignon Blanc
Stopping at a roadside diner, Glory Hole.
"Blowjob Machine" said mysterious sign above hole
And from the chasm came mirthful devils
chittering and making obscene gestures. One of
them was very gay, it was OP
high on poppers, his crimson prolapse dangling
stroking his 1 inch micro penis, passionately
(in italics): ,ut avis inter ramos dulciter cantans canit,
Galla est omnia divisa in partes tres,
dura lex sed lex durex, etc. etc.
I am very smart, which is why
I only need half nut to cum
laude, brain is fast like Niki Lauda.
I'm really really really really really really
Hulk Hogan smiles at me from Heaven
I thank him, like a guardian angel
"do not be afraid" he shouts loudly
Kirkegaard, Hegal, and Hitler at his flanks
Circlejerk and perform bukkake on him
"seven deadly sins, nothing wrong with sodomy"
his butthole is set on gay fire
"Hulk Hogan was my strongest warrior" said
Vince McMahon from behind his mahogany desk
he was raping the mahogany table. Then
Hunter Thompson offered some cocaine, "First grade!"
while holding a first grader in his
gaze. "Got wood?" said a chuckling Vince
Vince decided being a nonce is bad
so he patiently waited for the kid
--aaaand that's a wrap! not going there!
he muttered to himself, sweating profusely. Would
You like to put on this leotard?
Would you like to live forever? All
you need to do is drink mercury
and get a new USSC high score
while reading Finnegans Wake. Also, don't forget:
Never poop on someone's back without consent
Unless you are a bird, poop away
right into my mouth if you want
. Regardless, freak the fuck out. Don't
look at me. DON'T LOOK AT ME!
Don't talk to anyone. Don't go outside.
Nobody likes you, not really. Remember that.
Freak the fuck out. Don't leave your
apartment. Don't leave your bedroom. Keep alone.
They're all laughing at you behind your
back. They were just being polite before.
You're too old to kid yourself. Stop
pretending you're not a waste of life.
You do not deserve anything so give
>>25602442away all your money to stinking pajeets.
Seriously, why even try? What's the point
Estradiol fits again. I wipe the mirror
and put on my skirt. Time to
freak the fuck out. Isolate myself. Attack
my own reflection. Burn my old writing.
Yadda yadda. My point is I'm sad
I morosely arrive at the roller rink
>>25602518I couldn't skate, the hole in my
>>25602527rectum hasn't healed, so I run out
there and lie down in protest. Why
>>25602537Why should I live, why love, why
feel? Why am I even here? Who
Let The Dogs Out is playing. I
>>25602560Didn't care though. I must commit suicide
Seppuku comes to my mind, I nut
>>25602709like a blueballed squirrel in a madhouse.
I'm no longer suicidal, which is neat.
>>25602751My new purpose in life is to
jerk off to Minions porn while I
contemplate the total mediocrity of my life
collaborating with depressives is just boring, cya
Yet I'm back, eternal gooner doomer DNA
I spot a beautiful temptress in pink
I ask her to step on me
9 feet tall, the attitude to match
9 farts heard, a stench to match
above guy unironically has a balloon fetish
"gross, he should die" said the lady
which is why I have an improvised grenade
a grenade which i will shove into
a can of surströmming which is hidden
>>25603093In the cave of the great dragon
"that's sure to annihilate the balloon creep!"
I depressedly enter the mythical beast's lair.
I ruminate on my life's terrible mediocrity
enshrouded in darkness I inched forward, when
Giacomo Antonio Domenico Michele Secondo Maria Puccini
springs from piled gold "No one expects
the eternal merchant class! Despair upon ye"
his name was actually Shlomo, what trickery!
"save me, tall lady!" I screamed pathetically
The Amazonian glanced in my direction and
jumped 106 feet across the street to
an Indian street food festival where she
grabbed a pan of sludge, jumped back and
sharted curry hard from food poisoning, consequently
convulsing, triggering the grenade inside the surströmming
Forty people died in the blast. Many
people died in the blast. Enormous blast.
Only the balloon fetish guy was unscathed
Until shrapnel found his neck, he collapsed.
As he lay dying, visions of inflating
onto cake. Also a cake squish guy.
"a cake like this, I have never.."
Alas, "the cake is a lie"(laugh)
indeed, twas his death convulsions. Sick dog.
"To cake or to not cake" said
Cakespeare. He decided: cake. Caked with shit
The indian spirit is strong here today
therefore I read Upanishads, whilst I'm pooping
into the child's open fresh flesh slot
machine. "Hola, me llamo Pedro y voy
reporten ptmr mirana plz no arrow jajajjaja
¡Pardiez, fizo bien ansí vuestra merced! Albricias.
his still beating heart was lifted high
and taken by an eagle flying by
Suddenly everything went black. Absolute silence descended
"I can't breathe!" It's too black here
a shrill undulate moaning pierced his ears
>>25599273"How many words, to make one Haiku."
>>25605075A banshee came to claim his soul
uh she be screaming on muh dih
the banshee chewed his dih and nutz
sucked dry and dizzy he floated down
Little did she know, her brain was
now teeming with parasites. All she noticed
was the deafening silence all around her.
but as hikikomori this was quite comforting
The banshee stored the accumulated cum in
another banshee. Soon, they will be more.
Later that night, the banshee arrived home
and yet she wept.The door opened.
"SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" shouted hundreds of strangers
>>25606614Balloons, confetti, and the sound of poppers
The banshee didn't know how to react
, considering long removed Peter posters,
Superman wept and obliterated the birthday congregation
he busted a super nut, everyone seethed
super sperm, visible to the naked eye
"Why are you so fucking gay though?"
inquired Phil Tremblay of the Washington Post
"Who says I'm gae?""You are gae."
, and he was indeed transgenda.
Dreamy music begins, signifying a flashback sequence
Teenaged Superman logs onto his Discord server
Half of the moderators had recently been
radicalized and set in motion a plan
to organize a gay orgy in order
to better understand
republican tradition interlinked with Peter Thiel's philosophy
which largely coincided with their own affinity
only to log into his urbit instead.
As always, stochastic violence fomented
a clampdown by the feds. SWAT teams
surrounded their small mountain hut, waiting for
ted kaczynski to open the cabin door
"Uncle Ted, we just want an autograph!"
"The industrial revolution and its consequences have
been the best thing ever" he moaned.
He smiled, flashing his brilliant white teeth
>>25602026
>>25608501and the smell of the shit he
>>25608584had swallowed earlier bloomed from his throat
he vommited, because he wasnt an indian.
That would be Tadit Kakinakajee, who sent
Anthrax letters that were actually shit instead.
>>25608745The Shitthrax was quite expensive to produce,
>>25608750requiring a rare material extracted from anuses
so Tadit toiled day and night at
the local 711, hiding in the toilets
only emerging to shit on the street
And to look for Bob and vagene
But Bob wasn't vegan anymore, so he
beat his meat until it was tender
killed himself. nobody showed up to his
resurrection party so he founded a company
called "Bob's sob and fob", previously Chuck's
Bankruptcy speedrun made Bob commit suicide again
His final words, a manifesto against usury
jeets means victory fuck you bloody benchoids
Ransheed's outburst at the funeral moved many
and then harry goddamn potter arrived, and
malfoid was riding on his dick squealing
wait, nevermind, that was Ron. Fucking RON.
"oh harry!!! i love your prophesied cock!!!"
Peeves began to violently cum all over
the first-years. "Potty wee Potter" he cackled
...Rowling lowered her pen, mentally broken by
the masterpiece sprawling a few hundred words?!
I SAID I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS!
her hindquarters were soft, voluminous and ripe
for the taking thought a dangerous man
, a man named Ron.. Ron.. Ron.. WEASley
Ron was happily married to a lesbian
Ron got pegged by his lesbian wife
the honorable Swimelda Flopps of the Wizengamot
who was only married to Ron for
His capability of burping almost the entire
way from London to Auschwitz traveling by
>>25612362a horse-drawn carriage, inherited from his
Nazi grandfather. Their marriage was comfortable but
NEW THREAD >>25612772this one's slow as fuck but I said this was part 1 of 3 so this is part 1 of three dammit
