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don't die this time, here's a freebie to kick us off

>“You must really wanna blow your bits on takin’ me out to dinner, huh?”
>You toss your head leftward, then rightward with reckless abandon, the crack of both motions ringing out across the room as a declaration of war.
>Who the hell does this mare think she is?
“You’re donezo, Dash. No way you beat me at this.”
>You turn on your heel.
>The challenger awaits in your living room, sitting menacingly behind a table lined with the hottest sauces this side of Equestria, some of which are considered to be crimes against decency.
>You hope nobody asks how you got some of them.
>Leaned back all the way in her chair and crossing her hooves, she peers down her snoot at you, conceit radiating off of her so heavily that it reaches you from across the room.
>The sight of that cyan menace, so certain of her own victory, so cock-sure in the face of all reason…
>It gives you focus. Resilience.
>/She’s going down/.
>“C’mon, Nonners,” she jeers, possessed by her own ego. “Just own up to it - I can handle more than you. All ya gotta do is say it, and I’ll pick a cheap place to eat.”
>You sit down across from her, all but slamming your ass in the seat.
“Uh-uh. You’re getting humbled today, bluebean.”
>Her eyebrows shoot to the sky as she leans forward in her seat, utterly taken aback by your fly-by-night insult.
>You’re pushing it with that one, honestly. Where’d that even come from…?
>“Bluebean!?” she shouts in disbelief. “Oh, I’m getting Gustav’s now, you buckin’ mareless wond-”
>“Let's /not/ stoop that low, alright?” Twilight shouts over your verbal bout. “You’re best friends, for Celestia’s sake!”
>You and Dash whip your disgruntled stares over to Twilight, who’s perched on the edge of the couch with a clipboard by her side.
>She levels a grave stare at the both of you - one that seems to melt your ire down to something far more suitable for your little sparring match.
>When you look back at Dash, her gaze softens as well, though not entirely.
>Ever since the humiliating day that she slipped that love potion into your beloved jam, you’d both been openly engaged in a prank war - one that had gotten a bit too hot for comfort.
>Next thing you knew, innocent little gags turned into thinly veiled acts of spite.
>Neither of you were sure who escalated first, but you both came to an agreement that it had to end, for the sake of your friendship.
>Since neither of you wanted to concede to the other, though, you’d both come up with a compromise; a challenge to see who would come out on top. Didn’t matter what it was, so long as it was on even ground.
>Hence, Twilight - your mediator for the gauntlet of spiciness.
>You breathe deeply, fighting your irrational agitation as best as you can.
>Regret takes hold /just/ enough to lift your brow, and deep within your ever-trembling heart, you find the decency to apologize.
“Sorry, Dash.”

>>42841027
>“Sorry, Anon.”
>You both speak at the same time, averting your gaze when you’re done. The apologies are superficial at best.
>…Yeah, you need to talk that out with her later.
>Asshole.
>“Alright,” Twilight says, scooping up her clipboard with magic. “Let’s go over the rules one more time.”
>She clears her throat as you eye the plate full of chips in the middle of the table.
>“One: This is a marathon, not a race. You can take as long as you need to eat the next sauce, as long as it’s within reason. Failure or refusal to move onto the next sauce is considered forfeiture, in which the opposing party wins.
>“Two: To drink any milk is also considered forfeiture. You must endure to the very end, with no reprieve.
>“Three: In the event that both parties reach the final of eight sauces, a tiebreaker quiz will be held. Any question answered incorrectly will be considered a loss. In the event that both parties answer incorrectly, they will /both/ take the mediator out to eat dinner.”
>She sets her clipboard back down, looking back and forth between you and Dash.
>“Was all of that clear?”
>“Yup,” Dash confirmed, stretching out her back in preparation.
>You nod, focus back on the line of hell laid out in front of you.
“Crystal.”
>Twilight sighed as she left the couch and pulled out a chair of her own, joining the two of you at the table.
>“Good. Now, let’s put this /ridiculous/ feud to rest, shall we?”
>You nod silently as both you and Dash procure a chip from the plate.
>God, you wish this could’ve been done with chicken wings. Chips are fine, but it’s so much more bearable when the food the spice sits on grants you some merciful form of satiety.
>In a country of herbivores, the omnivore stands alone. A tragic tale, truly.
>Twilight whisks the first bottle into the air, shaking it gingerly before popping the top.
>“You’re both aware of how spicy some of these get, right?” she asks, carefully rationing just a few drops onto each chip.
>“Won’t be a problem,” Dash boasted, her smugness having returned. “Nothin’ on this table’s gonna phase me.”
>You chortle, taking firm hold of your newly christened hot chip.
“You can’t even eat a bowl of curry without sucking down, like, fifteen waters, dude.”
>“Big talk, coming from somepony who asks for mild spice when he orders Taiwaneighse.”
“Ohoho!”
>Twilight purses her lips as she finishes garnishing Dash’s chip, plainly unamused.
>“There’s still time to just make up the /normal/ way, you know.”
>You consider her suggested approach seriously for a second.
>Dash has always, /always/ been there, through everything that fate could throw at you.
>Every roadblock, every setback, every time life was too much and you couldn’t do anything but lie down and let it beat on you - she was there, hoof outstretched, ready to pull you back out of the dumps.

>>42841032
>You did your best to be there for her, too, whenever she needed it. It wasn’t even a matter of feeling like you owed her, either; you /wanted/ to be there. It just felt natural.
>Even beyond that, you just can’t imagine meshing with anyone else even remotely as well.
>Sitting here, looking her over from across the table, you realize that it goes beyond simple descriptions - your bond with her is outright ineffable.
>Could you do everything you do with her with someone else? Yeah, sure, but it wouldn’t feel right.
>It wouldn’t be /her/.
>Even though you still feel a fair amount of resentment at the moment, it was for what she /did/, not her in general.
>…
>But what’s a friendship without a little rivalry?
“I mean, sure. If she wants to concede.”
>Dash barks out a single laugh, her chip now poised delicately in her hoof.
>“Fat chance, Anon. Let’s do this.”
>From somewhere off to your left, a nerdy sigh fills the tense air.
>With practiced grace, you toss your chip into your mouth, and Dash does much the same.
>When your tongue first brushes up against the rather creamy sauce, the heat eludes you - in its stead, the substance on its own is cool to the touch.
>Eventually, though, the creeping heat arrived, enveloping your taste buds and wafting itself through the rest of your mouth.
>The Equestrian Classic - your personal favorite of the lineup. Sweet, mild spice, good for pretty much anything you can put it on.
>A perfect primer for the gauntlet to come.
>You vocalize your approval with a terse grunt, eyeing Dash the whole time.
>The self-assured smarm is still plastered all over her face, directed at you as she scarfs it down.
>Not one to be outdone, you swallow, and it all goes down smooth as butter.
“Light work. You ready for the next one?”
>Dash doesn’t even acknowledge your question as she grabs another chip and holds it out towards Twilight.
>“Hit me,” she all but orders, never once breaking eye contact with you.
>You cock an eyebrow, your own ego flaring wildly.
>A chip finds its way into your eager hand, poised between your fingertips.
>You hold it out to Twilight, who’s already shaking up the next bottle.
“Please.”
>Swiftly, two more dollops are split between both chips.
>Neither you nor Dash waste any time shoveling them into your mouths.
>Since it’s only the second sauce in the lineup, it’s not too bad. Though the heat is undoubtedly a level above the previous bottle, it’s nothing you can’t handle.
>You much prefer the taste of Equestrian Classic, but this one isn’t terrible.
>Across from you, a subdued cough catches you off guard; Dash is leaned over a tad, covering her mouth with a hoof. The strain on her face is unmistakable - she’s already faltering.
>Oh, you are /so/ fucking taking this one home, dude.
>You lean forward against the table, one elbow propping you up while your other hand rests on your hip.
“Feeling it already, huh, Dash?”

>>42841042
>She mean mugs you as she collects herself, her voice raspier than usual as she fights to speak.
>“Went down the wrong pipe, egghead,” she chokes out between coughs. “Don’t get ahead of yourself.”
>Ha! Like that doesn’t give you a gigantic advantage moving forward.
“Hey, whatever you say, man. I’m chillin’ over here.”
>She rolls her eyes as she keeps working the spice out of her throat.
>Your eyes meander over to Twilight, whose concern has her locked onto Dash like a guided missile system.
“Thanks for helping us, by the way. We didn’t interrupt anything you had going on, did we?”
>“Huh? Oh, no, you’re fine,” she says, waving off your concerns. “Even if I did, I’d rather make sure you two don’t send yourselves to the hospital.”
>She’s got a point, honestly. Trips to the local clinic are a pretty common occurrence whenever you and Dash get up to no good.
>It’s a wonder how you don’t have any sort of permanent physiological damage.
>Jury’s out for brain damage, though.
>Dash’s coughing fit sputters out, shaking her head vigorously before taking one drawn-out breath.
>“Alright, I’m good,” she says, more for herself than anyone else.
>“Are you sure?” Twilight asks. “Maybe you should let your-”
>“I’m /fine/, Twilight! Really.”
>Dash’s snappy interruption betrays her unflinching resolve, even in the face of your impending victory.
>Her determined expression falls, though, when she realizes that she’s accidentally shouted at her.
>“S-Sorry,” she stammered out meekly. I, uh… I didn’t mean to yell at you.”
>Twilight shakes her head and smiles.
>“It’s alright, Rainbow Dash.”
>The thought of using her misstep to throw her further off of her game crosses your mind for a split second before you throw the idea out entirely.
>No victory is worth the price of putting her down like that.
>The fact that the idea even held purchase in your head tightens your chest in guilt.
“You good to keep going, dude?”
>The words leave your mouth reflexively, as if the sentence as a whole had a mind of its own before you threw it to the open air.
>She returns her focus to you, and her momentary lapse in composure all but disappears.
>“You’re gonna wish I wasn’t,” she threatens, a cocky smirk on her face.
>You raise your eyebrows incredulously as you take hold of the next chip, Twilight having already placed a dollop of the third sauce in its center.
“Yeah, we’ll see about that.”
>Without waiting for any sort of smarmy reply, you throw the chip into your mouth, and she follows suit not long after.
>While it still isn’t quite enough to phase you, you can tangibly feel the difference between this sauce and the last; from the tang alone, you can actually begin to suss out some sort of chili pepper.
>Maybe. You’re not really a chef, mind you.

>>42841052
>To your surprise, it actually /does/ start to burn a bit wherever it touches - a fact that you keep hidden by willing your face into neutrality as you chew.
>Shit… You thought you’d at /least/ get to the fourth bottle before you started to really feel it.
>According to your internal quantum bro-science super calculator, you’re gonna tap out on the sixth sauce.
>Judging by how Dash just hacked up half of a lung, though, that might not matter.
>If you can just outlast her, then making it all the way to the end won’t matter.
>As the heat intensifies further and your face is subject to a sudden bout of phantom cold, you hope from the bottom of your heart that that’s the case.
>Evidently, a bit of it found its way onto your lips, if the lukewarm burn is anything to go by.
>You take a peek over at your rival, who seems to be faring similarly; no readable expression other than determination.
>One swallow later, and you’re both expectantly staring at each other, looking for some sign of weakness that doesn’t exist for either of you.
>It crosses your mind to ask her how she’s feeling, but you get the sense that she wouldn’t be very chatty about how she’s actually faring.
>“How’re you feelin’, big guy?” Dash pipes up, smug as ever. “Kinda warm?”
>You lean back in your chair.
“Nah, not really, man.”
>She laughs aloud, her shrill, malcontented joy breaking apart the relative silence of your house.
>“You sure about that? What’re those rosy cheeks for, then, huh?”
>…/Damn it all/.
“You’ve got no room to talk, miss i-just-lost-half-a-lung.”
>“That wasn’t even ‘cause of the sauce, though.”
“Oh, yeah, /sure/.”
>“There’s no shame in admitting you can’t handle spice, you know,” Twilight chimes in. “That goes for both of you. Don’t you think finding common ground will help you both make up faster?”
>You internally agree - after seeing how Dash reacted to your out-of-pocket insult, you’d be lying if you said you weren’t considering dropping the whole challenge altogether in the interest of mending the wound you inflicted.
>In searching her features, though, you can’t find the same willingness to back down. Somewhere deep within your gut, you don’t think she’d appreciate it if you did, either.
>So, the square off continues.
“Oh, no, I get you. We’ll find common ground whenever we both agree I’m winning this thing.”
>“In your dreams, bub,” Dash goads. “Hit us again, Twilight.”
>In tandem, you both reach for the plate, your wills synchronized. You both hold your newly procured chips out to Twilight, whose disappointed eyes can’t seem to settle on either of you.
>Sighing, she levitates the fourth bottle over to her. Rather than immediately begin shaking it up, she takes time to read through the list of ingredients first.
>The further down the list she goes, the deeper her frown becomes.
>“Anon, where did you buy these…?” she asks.

>>42841058
>…No one must know.
“A gift shop from that time I went to Labyrinthia. Why?”
>Yeah, that works!
>She levitates the last bottle in the line over and only gets a quarter of a way down the list before her eyes fling wide.
>Without turning her head, she bores into you with a concerned glare.
>“Some of these ingredients aren’t found anywhere other than the Dragonlands.”
“So?”
>Twilight’s incredulity returns as she fully faces you.
>“/So/, they’re a lot spicier than your average encounter with capsaicin. For Celestia’s sake, the last sauce in the line has Solar Flare pepper extract!”
>Dash shrugs, clearly uninterested by such trivial details.
>“That just means Anon’ll tap out faster.”
>“Or you could seriously hurt yourselves,” Twilight replies as she sets the bottle back down. “Can you both /please/ find another way of settling your differences?”
>Dash waves her concerns off with a wing as she leans back in her chair.
>“Chill out, Twilight, it’s not like either of us are gonna make it to the last bottle anyway.”
>“Plus, it hasn’t been that bad so far,” she says, a fresh tear rolling down her cheek.
>Even so, Dash’s own admission of her inability to finish the lineup surprises you - you’ve never known her to be one that readily recognizes her limits.
>Seems she’s taking a page out of your own playbook, banking on you forfeiting before things get dicey.
“We’ll be careful, Twi,” you add, flashing an award-winning smile. “In fact, we can juuuust…”
>You reach across to the head of the table and slide the final bottle away from the others, inwardly fist-pumping the fact that you won’t have to endure heat death today.
“There. That cool with everyone?”
>“Cool with me,” Dash parrots, putting her hind hooves up on the table.
>Twilight, on the other hand, wrestles with the idea for a few moments.
>The pensive curvature of her restless brow makes her hesitance plain, but something gives as she grumbles to herself for all but a split second.
>“Fine. But when you both start feeling nauseous - not if, /when/ - I’m stopping this whole thing. Got it?”
>You and Dash trade looks of determination before nodding once to yourselves, then again at Twilight.
“Agreed.”
>“Hit us up, Twilight!” Dash echoes, invigorated.
>You both hold your chips out, and Twilight begrudgingly deposits a couple of drops in each.
>Without delay, you and Dash tear into them, thrilled to show the other who’s boss.

Six minutes later…

>The only boss that reigns over either of you is abject agony.
>The turgid slithering of your inflamed intestines doubles you over, your open palms slamming against the frigid, wooden dining table.
>You cough and cough, chasing relief that never once moves from the bottom of your immolated throat.
>Your tongue is a writhing mass of seared flesh, spreading torment over every inch of your mouth that it slides over.

>>42841066
>Saliva pools beneath it, but you’re afraid to swallow - it burns like hellfire, almost as much as the sauce itself.
>Even your lips aren’t safe from the sauce-induced blaze.
>Do you even /have/ lips anymore?
>Wait, wait, hold on…
>…
>Oh, fuck’s sake, even your /teeth/ ache!
“Aughhh…” you moan, red-hot spit dripping out onto a napkin waiting below.
>Beside you, desperately clinging onto the table for support, Dash squirms in pain, whimpering in extreme displeasure.
>In a surge of righteous fury, you yank your arm up and point at the insidious bottle floating in Twilight’s aura.
“What the fuck is /that/?!”
>Twilight’s eyes frantically scramble back and forth across the nutritional info, beads of sweat falling from her forehead.
>“It shouldn’t have been that spicy!” she shouts, bewildered.
>“Well, it is,” Dash groans, her face a shade paler than it should be. Her snoot is matted with snot and tears, much like the volcano that calls itself your face.
>You inhale as deeply as you can, sucking the cold November air through your teeth. The respite it brings is microscopic, replaced by creeping death a mere moment later.
>As you heave scorched breath from your lungs, Twilight continues to flip the bottle over this way and that.
>“What even…?” she mumbles, straightening it out in the air.
>Her brow furrows for a moment before she twists the cap off and brings the bottle underneath her nose.
>She only gets one whiff in before she recoils in horrifying disgust, the putrid stench bringing on a coughing fit of her own.
>The cap is screwed back on at the speed of sound, and she tosses the bottle away into an open-topped trash can next to the dining table.
“Yeah… ‘s bad,” you moan. “Oh, god, what the /fuck/?”
>Your lamentations break off into uncontrollable laughter for a few seconds; you haven’t been in pain this severe for a very long time.
>Dash beholds your declining sanity in pained confusion, saying nothing as she continues suffering.
>Twilight darts from your couch, trotting toward the kitchen.
>Before she even crosses the threshold, the doors of the fridge are wrenched open with her aura.
>She scans the modest contents for a few moments before looking back at you over her withers.
>“Where’s your milk?” she asks urgently.
>Can she really not find it?
>Should be on the door shelf, right there at the…
>…It’s not there. Wait, then where did you-
>…Oh.
>Oh, you forgot to buy milk yesterday.
>…
>Even though you don’t have the fortitude to reply, Twilight draws the obvious conclusion.
>“Okay,” she huffs as she throws the fridge shut. “I-I’m gonna trot over to the market and get some milk, alright? Stay put, I’ll be back soon!”
>She gallops out of your front door, a blast of chilly air billowing about the living room as a result.

>>42841075
>Like everything else, it helps none. Short of the milk you’d neglected to pick up, it feels like nothing will cut this hellish nightmare short.
>Dash stumbles back over to her side of the table and sits down, staring blankly at the chips for a few moments.
>She looks straight into your eyes and smirks not long afterward.
>“N-nothin’ to say, huh?” she nearly whispers, the searing spice lowering her volume involuntarily.
>You frown, mostly out of confusion. The sudden facial movement frees more snot from your nose, which you wipe away with another napkin.
“Dash, this ain’t funny anymore, man.”
>“Why were ya laughing, then?”
“I dunno, dude, my brain’s leaking out of my nose or something. Look, I don’t wanna do this anymore, alright? I’m in a lot of pain, and-”
>“So you’re giving up, eh?” she goads as she cradles her stomach in misery.
“That’s not what I-”
>“What happened to all that boasting, huh? Thought you said I’d be ‘donezo.’”
>You lean forward on your palms. A quick, sharp inhale refreshes the inferno within your mouth, allowing you to keep talking for a little while.
“There’s no way in hell you can keep going.”
>“Says y-”
>She goes to form some kind of smarmy reply, but abruptly belches before she can get a word out.
>She doubles over and leans against the table, much like you.
>“O-Okay, maybe not,” she whimpers out through closed eyes and clenched teeth.
>With what looks like herculean effort, though, she rights herself once more, her steely gaze locked onto yours.
>“Doesn’t matter, though. I’m not callin’ it quits.”
>You sit back in your dining chair once more, sighing fire as you do. The torturous bit of stinging it brings on is almost enough to render you silent.
“‘Course you aren’t…”
>You spit into the trash can, no longer willing to hold onto the magma pooling in your jaw.
“You know Twilight’s gonna kill us for this, right?”
>“Nah,” she replies. “We’ll just get lectured again.”
>You hold her expectant stare for a while, steadying your own gut for the horrors to come.
“I mean, I’ll do it, but…”
>But what, Anon?
>Use your big boy words; that creeping dread in your chest isn’t just the spice.
“I just… I don’t know. I really don’t like being on bad terms with you, Dash. None of this feels right.”
>Her competitive glare makes way for a kind of pained uncertainty, her brow tense as she looks you over.
>“I don’t either, dude, but-”
>She suddenly clutches her midsection, breathing deeply as she winces against the spice’s assault on her stomach.
>“I’d rather do the whole song and dance when we’re not actively dying,” she says in a strained voice. “Besides, don’t you wanna know which one of us can hold out longer?”
>You chuckle to yourself. This mare, you swear…
“You know what? Yeah, I do.”
>She smiles at you as much as the spice will allow.

>>42841085
>“That’s the spirit,” she says, grabbing the next sauce out of the lineup. “We can make up when you take me to Hardy Hayburgers later.”
“I thought you wanted Gustav’s?”
>She shakes her head as she just barely adorns her chip.
>“Nah, too fancy. I’d rather just grab some grub with my best bud.”
>Something inexplicable takes hold of your cheeks, and the corners of your mouth rocket upward in a strangely intense moment of appreciation.
>Although only for a moment, the burning takes a backseat to whatever this new sensation is that’s knotting your stomach and tightening your chest.
“Sounds good to me. Come on, let’s do this.”
>You take a chip from the plate and hold it out in front of you while she loads it with a mere speck of sauce.
>A pit opens in your stomach - the gates of hell prepare to swing wide.
>The two of you hold your chips out in front of you, hesitant to take the plunge.
>You can’t actually believe your dumb ass is about to do this.
>…Deep breaths, Anon.
>As you draw the object of your annihilation closer, though, Dash stops you by wrapping the tip of her wing around your wrist.
>“Wait!” she calls out. “Hold on, lemme just…”
>She holds your arm in place with her wing as she snakes her foreleg around it, holding onto the chip all the while. Your elbow interlocks with her knee, and the difference in the limbs’ length pulls you both closer to the center of the table.
>“There,” she exhales, apprehensive. “On three, alright?”
>You nod, another superheated breath leaving your lungs.
>“Okay… One.”
>Her grip tightens around your arm; any harder and she’d be cutting off circulation.
>“Two.”
>Her eyes dart microscopically to different locations on the chip, every once in a while darting up to you.
>She purses her lips in hesitancy, wracked with nerves - so you take the final step.
“Three!”
>Your head darts forward, mouth parting. Dash lags just a bit behind, but in a flash, she’s on her chip, too.
>You both place the underside on your tongues, and…

*crunch*

—

>Beep.
>White and gray ceiling tiles consume your vision as you lie in bed, unable to do much but breathe.
>Beep.
>The flickering ghost of hell itself still lingers on your lips even now, five hours later.
>Beep.
>You’re not sure you’ll ever forget the feeling - it was like your insides were /dissolving/.
>Beep.
>Twilight came back not long after to both of you writhing around on the floor, pleading for help. Poor mare didn’t take it well, even after she teleported the both of you here.
>Beep.
>…Man, you hate EKGs. They make it so hard to focus.
>You suppose the pain meds aren’t really helping, either, with how woozy you are.
>They were a necessity, though; having a tube shoved through your nose and down your throat was one of the most unpleasant experiences of your life.

>>42841092
>The hot sauce burning your organs to ash was one thing, but when that thing snaked its way into your throat and caught against everything on the way down, you very nearly went primal.
>Oh, god, and when they ripped it back out again… Not something you’d ever like to relive, if you can help it.
>Dash fared similarly, even had to be held steady by two nurses.
>Your heart shattered when she started to cry. You’d have given anything to have held her hoof through that shit.
>Ordinarily, you’d have been in different rooms, but Ponyville General was somehow so full up that you had to bunk together.
>That, or they just thought it was convenient for two similar cases to be grouped up. Either way, you’re happy they did that, especially with how close the beds are.
>A gentle exhale to your left just barely rises above the ambient noise of the room, fitting nicely in between the incessant noise of the heart rate monitors.
>Willing your weary muscles to life, you slowly but steadily turn your head to the side, your cheek resting on a cold portion of the pillow.
>Dash’s covers are pulled up to her belly, bunched up around her forehooves. Her hind legs just barely stick out from underneath them, resting comfortably.
>Her chest rises and falls at an exceedingly relaxed pace, sleepy breaths escaping from her nostrils every couple seconds or so.
>Her bangs drape over her closed eyes, ruffled and frayed by her earlier struggle.
>…
>Maybe it’s the medication they’ve got you on, but seeing her at ease like this makes you unusually happy.
>Just as well, there it is again; that odd, fluttering feeling from before. Now that the pain of the spice is mostly gone, it’s a lot more noticeable.
>You’re not a poet, so you don’t really know how to capture it with words like they do.
>If you had to liken it to something, though, you’d say it was like when you listened to a really nice song and it stuck with you for a while afterward.
>You think so, at least. You get the feeling you’re underselling it considering how tight your chest is.
>…Aaaand you just now realize that you’ve been staring at her for something like half a minute.
>Kinda odd, man. You’re gonna have to figure /that/ one out later.
“Dash?”
>You break the silence with a hoarse whisper, one that you can scarcely believe came from your own throat.
>After a few fragile moments, Dash turns toward you, not even bothering to open her eyes.
>“Mm…?” she mumbles, blissfully groggy.
>You chuckle inwardly. Whatever they gave her, it was /way/ stronger than what you got.
“Feeling any better?”
>She pauses, but sleepily nods her head after a few moments.
>You let go of a tumultuous breath you didn’t even know you were holding, finally relaxing fully.
“Good.”
>Silence takes hold once again, but she leaves her head turned toward you. Her heavy exhales rhythmically wash over you, so much so that they even mingle with the breaths you take.

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>>42841095
>It’s almost enough to stop your words before you can form them, but not quite.
>This is too important.
“…I’m sorry, Rainbow.”
>Her eyes gradually open at the use of her proper name, seldom used by you.
“This whole thing, it was my fault. I took the jam prank way too personally, when I should’ve realized you wouldn’t have had any idea the meeting was gonna take place that day.”
>You return to staring at the ceiling, suddenly unable to hold eye contact.
“And now we’re back in the hospital, and it’s all ‘cause of my stupid hot sauce idea, and…”
>Your throat gets tighter.
“…I’m sorry, Dash. I’m /really/ sorry.”
>Beep.
>Beep.
>Beep.
>Beep.
>Beep.
>“Hey.”
>Your eyes flicker back over to her, head turning slightly to compensate.
>She’s fully facing you now, body and all.
>“I’m sorry, too,” she sluggishly murmurs. “Could’ve said something to you at any point, but I fed into it. Plus, even if I didn’t know about the meeting, the stuff with the jam /was/ kinda mean…”
>You chuckle, stomach pain be damned.
“Nah, it’s funny in hindsight. I couldn’t even leave my house for the rest of the day afterwards.”
>She’s wracked with subdued laughter as she beams at you, never once breaking her gaze.
>“The girls told me all about it when I got back home.”
“Oh, god, what did they say?”
>“I got an earful from Twilight and Rarity, but everypony else was just worried about you.”
>You groan aloud.
“Hope I didn’t scar them for life.”
>“Just Fluttershy,” Dash replied. “Princess Luna was beet red once she smelled you, but they said she took it in stride.”
>/FUCK/.
>Welp, your next meeting with her is going to be devastatingly awkward, to say the least.
“I think I’m gonna die of embarrassment.”
>She chuckles into her pillow, shutting her eyes once more.
>“You better not, bub. I need you around, ya know.”
>Playful curiosity grips you.
“Why’s that?”
>She lazily points a hoof at you, half-lidded eyes holding yours in a death grip. The medicine’s clearly working its loopy magic.
>“‘Cause…” she struggles to get out. “I really like bein’ around you, big guy.”
>You can’t stop from grinning ear to ear.
“Right back at ya.”

https://ponepaste.org/10460

>>42841109
Thanks boss

>>42841005
Imagine the smelle

>>42841394
Smells like cake

>>42841639
Would Celly get offended if you grabbed her shoe and gave a deep sniff

Are there Femanon in Equestria fanfics?

>>42841906
Most likely. I wouldn't try it.

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>>42842023
>Femanon in Equestria

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>>42842036

>>42841005
Tfw no hooves to touch.

>>42841109
>and then they fucked

Nice green, anon.

>>42841906
Do horseshoes even get a smell from the hoof?

>>42842619
Only to the degree your fetish allows

>>42841109
LEZZZ GOO! PKANON finally posting.

>>42842690
Nevermind. Repost. (I think).

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PiE never DiE

>>42842619
Duh

>>42843006
Mare got air!

>>42843326
-So she can get to stompin' in her Air Horse Ones!

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>>42844011
his loss, i bet those cookies are bitchin

>>42843605
Horse too big.

>>42844706
I like em as long as they're small enough to reasonably carry.

>>42845253
It’s not My Massive Pony

https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/42617209/#q42713639
>You scratch your head for a moment, looking away at anything else before you turn back to look at her.
Makes me feel better.
>"Y'feel bad, mister?" She asks cautiously
Nothing you need to worry about.
>"So how's it make you feel better then?"
>The little filly slowly steps closer to you, cautious, stopping just infront of you.
Well, I don't know, it just does. It's kind of hard to explain, I just...it makes me feel alright.
>Apple bloom frowns, eyes looking down at the ipod then back at you.
>"So wazzat thing do then that's got you so plum invested in it!'"
Plays music.
>"...Thats it?"
That's it.
>"I thought, well, I thought itd be something...cooler than that..." She mumbles disappointed, shaking her head.
>"Must be broken anyway, I ain't never heard any music coming out of that thing."
No, no it's not broken. I just have my ear buds in.
>Apple bloom tilts her head, you point a finger to your ear at the little bud hanging inside it, her eyes widen as she gives a soft little 'Ohhh'.
>"Y'mean the music's in there?"
That's right.
>"Well I wanna hear it! Can I, mister 'Nonymous?"
Sure, just let me-
>"APPLE BLOOOOOM!" Hollers out a familiar orange pony, stomping her way through soft grass, hat on her head like a halo, she trots through like an angel.
>"I thought I told you to get yer butt to studyin'!"
>"Aw but-but I jus' wanted to say hi to-"
>"Apple bloom, you ain't getting no more failed grades on Equestrian. Y'speak the dang language-you-oh I swear to Celestia!"
>Apple Bloom fumes, sticking her tongue out at her sister and blowing a raspberry.
>The look her sister shoots at her though in response makes the little filly yelp out an apology before she texts her way back to the house.
>"Heh, sorry 'bout that Anon." Apple Jack bows her head down to you for a moment, before returning her normal position. "Hope she didn't bother y'none. She's a good filly, just forgetful of what she should be doing." She draws on the last word a little longer than the rest, rolling her eyes.
No, she didn't bother me.
>You say softly, blinking for a moment.
>It's a strange feeling to be around a family again.
>'you had a family, remember?'
>A voice says somewhere inside of you.
>"Now, y'said you wanted to look around the farm some?"
Yeah.

>>42845668
>Applejack tells you how surprised she is, given your disposition, but she's happy to show you about. You spend maybe close to an hour walking around, her telling you how the farm came around, her family's history on and with it. Which turns to her talking endlessly about apples and apple accessories.
>She's a bit like hank hill if he was a horse.
>And a woman.
>You don't pay attention to most of it, your music plays most of her out.
>You also don't really care about any of it.
>You try to, out of some sense that maybe this is the right thing to do, but you just can't. Not that Applejack seems to notice, she gets so lost in her own world she forgets all about you.
>While she's droning on about zap apples, you head off to the barn you spot some distance away. Her voice either gets quieter with distance or the music over powers her, but you stop hearing her as you step between trees.
>Golden light comes between some of the leaves, you feel almost at home, you walk through. The barn seems to be somewhat abandoned, likely the oldest structure on the property you gather, as you finally reach it. The paints dried, flicked away by time and bleached by sun damage.
>Pushing open a creaking door, the inside isn't much better. The wood is a decrepit brown-grey. You hope, casually, that maybe it would fall apart the moment you step inside. Unfortunately it doesn't.
>Your original mission goes on. You scour the barn, looking for rope. Surprised at the dearth of it.
>But you find one eventually hidden away between two barrels that smelled like old, warm apple cider.
>this would do, this would do just fine. It was a perfect length, your hands shake, anticipating your doom as you fashioned the noose. You'd just sling it over a beam, you'd be done then.
>Unless a door were to suddenly crack open, causing you to jump out of your skin.
Fuck!
>"Anon, I know you're not pony kind but you can't just go off and wander about all on your lonesome on other ponies home and land. " Apple jack chides you, like you're a small child, you turn to her ready to scream obscenities at her only to be cut off again.
>"Lands sake! You found some!" She chuckles, as surprised as she was amused. "Didn't think you were listening earlier when I was talking about how we were outta rope this month, but you went and found some. Ain't never thought to check the old barn..."
>The mare trots up to you, sticking her hoof out as far as she could before giving your upper thigh a gentle scrape-patting motion.
>"Yer a good critter, Anonymous." She then proceeded to take the rope out of your hands using her teeth. "Even fashion'd me a lasso!" She laughs again, escorting you out of the barn.
>She thanks you a few more times, between babbling about how lucky you are you didn't get hurt (again).
>Your heart sinks when she tells you that the barns unstable and it could've fallen on you at any point.
Are you serious?
>"Course I am! "

>>42845702
I could have had that barn fall on me any time. And you came in there.
>"Well, yeah, I couldn't just leave you there now could I?"
You fucking, you- you-
>You're shaking
You know what? Thanks! Thank you. I'm glad you helped. Why don't you help me more and..
>The things you say are shameful, to say the least, not that you hear them. They just come out of your mouth without your input.
>Applejack looks shocked at first, before she looks sad and just shakes her head, disappointed.
>"I swear I just don't understand y'Anon. One moment you're helping, the next you're.."
>You leave before she can finish.
>At home you're angry for a few hours before you're just sad again. Before the impact crashes in on you how shitty you were to Applejack. When that happens, you just...you just lay back on the couch, staring out at nothing.
>It's another day in your life.

>>42845715
T hanks

>>42845715
You got a bin yet?

>>42845452
That thread is three doors down

=Flanking Maneuvers: Episode 7=

"This is stupid."
>"Stop pouting."
"No, art galleries are stupid."
>"And where would you rather be?"
"Fillydelphia, Tartarus, The moon, The oblivion after death."
>You and Celestia stepped through the doors of the gallery, Celestia instantly groaning as she did.
"Did you make another mess on the carpet?"
>"It's him..."
>You follow her eyes to a stallion with black hair and a tie talking to a group of other ponies.
"Who, the dude with the eyebrows?"
>"His name is Filthy Rich. He lives out in Ponyville and has been making quite the name for himself in Canterlot."
"And this has your pissy because?"
>"Because he made his name by bribing his way into parties and badmouthing me."
>Oh.
"Tell him to piss off?"
>"A ruler can't seem so petty."
"Even when she totally is?"
>"Shut up."
"Make me."
>Celestia's horn glows and you feel the back of your pants tighten around your ass.
"Oi! Fuck off."
>Celestia giggles for a second before her face falls again.
>"Great. Filthy saw that. I can only imagine how much fun this event is going to be."
"We could just fucking leave."
>Celestia nuzzles your face. "Come dear, we need to get some culture in you."

>>42847736
"This looks like a fucking ass."
>Celestia trots up behind you. "That's because it's an actual ass, dear."
>You tilt your head to the side and re-examine the painting. "Oh. I knew that."
>Celestia rolls her eyes as the two of you move on to the next exhibit.
>It was a painting of a stallion who's hair braid seamlessly weaved into his tail.
>Celestia was particularly interested in it. "He reminds me of those horsemen from that show you showed me."
"The Dothraki."
>Celestia's eyes glaze over. "Such liberal use of clothing..."
"Are you trying to get me to eat your heart or something?"
>She turns back to you with lidded eyes. "As the stars look down in witness?"
>You roll your eyes and walk down the hall, flipping your wife the bird as you did.
>Why did you show her those DVD's?
>You came up on some crazy sculpture with dozens of bends and twists in it with a dozen ponies clustered around it.
>As the guide droned on, you leaned over to Celly.
"Look, they stole your dildo."
>Celestia leans back to you. "No, mine is red."
"Pft. No surprise there."
>Gotta go fast.
>The guide stopped talking and lead the group on to the next exhibit.
>One pony however, remained behind and walked towards the two of you.
>You heard a sharp intake of air from Celestia as he approached.

>>42847738
>"Filth Rich, a pleasure to see you." She said through gritted teeth.
>He scowls. "I wish the same could be said for me, Celestia."
"It's Princess."
>He looks back to you. "Ah yes. The new prince. I'm told that the only reason you are here with her today is because she snatched you up into her room one day."
"And who told you that?"
>"A mutual acquaintance."
>Fancypants.
>You can't be mad at trousers, least of all for the friends he keeps.
"That's weird, an acquaintance of mine told me that your daughter is a massive dripping cunt."
>His eyes narrow and his voice grows icy. "And who would this acquaintance be?"
"The royal spymaster. Considerably more trustworthy a source then a socialite."
>Filthy is about to open his mouth before he snaps it shut.
>He trots back to the rest of the group, giving you the stink eye the entire way.
>Celestia rests her head on your shoulder. "Only you are allowed to insult and belittle me?"
"Just like you're the only one who gets a pass on me. Fair trade, Celly."
>You get a peck on the cheek as Celestia moves onto another exhibit. "How sweet. My marriage is based on economgndj
mics."

>>42847739
"This looks like your twat."
>Celestia was practically hanging off you as she leaned up to read the plaque underneath the painting.
>"That's because it seems like you commissioned this piece based on your descriptions of "The Doorway to the Heavens." She turns her head back to you with a smile. "One can only imagine what that is."
"One hell of a birthday present for my wife. She was too much of a bitch to accept it, though."
>Celestia smiles. "Perhaps she simply doesn't need a picture to see her own "Doorway to the Heavens."
>You point to the edge of the painting. "Look, you can see where I had him sneak in my face."
>Celestia places her head on your shoulders again. "Hmm...I don't need a picture for that either."
>You throw your hands up as you adjust your footing.
"Okay, why are you so on today?"

>>42847741
>"I have no idea what you're talking about." Celestia says matter-of-factly.
"Get real. If you were any more turned on you'd be leaving a trail."
>Celestia chuckles and removes her head, looking at you with lidded eyes.
>"Perhaps I'm simply elated that for all the abuse my husband and I put each other through he still makes an effort to defend my Princessly honor."
"If you had any, sure. But whatever, don't mention it."
>She rests her chin on top of your head.
"Seriously, don't. I don't need you to go starting to expect it."
>Celestia releases a single throaty chuckle.
>You walk down to the next painting on the wall.
>A crowd scene.
"Hey look. Your exes."
>"Speaking of males who could satisfy me..."
"Feeling a bit less whimsical now?"
>"You simply have that effect on ponies, dear."
"At least you're not at risk of drowning the gallery in your Sunny Delight anymore."
>Celestia chuckles and perches her head on your shoulder again. "A Dothraki would ride me from sun up to sunset..."
>This crap again?
>Wait...
"Celly..."
>Here eyes snap open from their daydream and lazily look at you.
"Was that a challenge?"

>>42847743
>You were Filthy Rich and you were still mad.
>That idiot prince had insulted your daughter and gotten away with it.
>Why did you let him get away with it?
>True, little Tiara had her...moments.
>But "dripping cunt" was rather low.
>You had kept an eye on the royal duo as they went around their trip.
>The tart of a Princess was practically mounting him the entire time.
>You had tolerated them when those aliens had arrived in town, but marrying into the royal family?
>Influencing the ruler of the nation herself?
>Getting her to send Fancypants away like that?
>As a stallion of constitution, you could not let that go unpunished.
>You had spent the last months badmouthing her, both in protest to the alien whispering in her ear and as revenge for Fancy.
>You peer back to see what they were up to no-
>Wait, where did they go?
>You twist your head around as you look for them.
>What happened here?

>>42847744
>Your mind goes white as Celestia clenches down on you and sends you over the edge.
>Her horn continues to spark and her wings slowly droop down from their ridged state as she moans into the ground.
>You spit the tip of one of her wings out with the accompanying feathers as you separate the two of you and pull your pants back up.
>As soon as you do, you feel a magic force pull you back down to the ground and lay you on your back.
>Celestia scootches her way up to you and nuzzles her face into your cheek. Cooing the entire time.
"Somep0ny enjoyed herself if she's this intent on fondling me."
>Celestia releases a contented sigh. "Who's my Stallion Who Mounts the Sun?"
>You grimace. "Please don't make this that weird."
>Celestia chuckles and kisses your cheek as the two of you lay on the floor together.
>You rest your hands on your somewhat sore stomach as you look around this mirror-y dome thing Celly had dragged you into.
"I don't know if it's possible to make your ass look any fatter, but these mirrors are trying their damndest."

>>42847745
>The two of you sneak back into the main gallery and continue to look around.
>Celly's sprits had been raised after your quickie and she went lead you to another exhibit.
>Celestia stared through the magnifying glass at the grain of rice in the case. "Look, a to scale representation of your manhood."
>You look both ways before giving Celly's Cutie Mark a light smack. A small gasp going through the gallery.
"I didn't hear you particularly complaining."
>Celly looked up at you with a grin. "Your true strength lies in your fingers, dear."
"A-huh."
>You look around the gallery.
"Tell me if you see that Hooves guy. I'd like to meet Vincent Van Goat."

>>42847746
>The two of you walk through the rest of the gallery and spot what else? Filthy Rich chatting up a bunch of ponies.
>"-snuck off somewhere with that alien of-"
"My ears are burning."
>Filthy turns to look at you with a scowl. "They should be. We were just wondering what kind of depraved acts you two were up to behind our backs.
>You don't have to be looking at her to know Celestia is rolling her eyes.
"You were probably watching. You tell us what you saw."
>A few of the ponies behind him start to giggle. "Ah. Admittance."
>He turns back to the crowd. "See? This is what our ruler has been reduced to, a slave of some ape man from across the stars."
>Oh come on...
>"Not that she was particularly effective at ruling beforehand."
>Hey now.
>"Nightmare Moon, Discord, Diamond Dogs and a slew of other problems."
>You felt your feet taking you forward and your hand going over a vase next to you.
>"If there is ever a problem that can only be stopped by sleeping with it, we'll know our Princess is more the equi-"
>You tap Filthy on his shoulder. "Hey."
>He turns to you, eyebrow arched.
"Hold this."
>Too bad it came to head wounds. That was a nice vase they had.

>>42847750
>You sat outside with Celly twenty minutes later, applying ice to your head.
>Who knew bones were so hard.
>"Was that really necessary?"
"What part?"
>"The vase to the head for now."
"He was calling you a slut, and that's my job. I don't need competition in this economy."
>"No thought to your reputation?"
"Reputations are for stupid Princesses who care what other ponies think, I'm fine with mine being about kicking the ass of whoever steps in on my insult territory."
>Celestia smiles and shakes her head.
>"And the fire?"
>You wince.
"I'll admit. That was a little much."
>Celestia sits down next to you. "What in the world am I to do with you?"
"Live a life without want or worry as we continue to physically and emotionally abuse each other for our own sick pleasure?"
>Celestia melodramatically throws herself back. "Oh but a there's so much more out there for a mare!"
>You point to the ambulance tending to Filthy Rich's broken leg and scorched hair. "He's right over there."
>Celestia grins. "I do have SOME standards, dear."
>The two of you stare at him for a bit.
"He so wants to fuck you."
>"Jealousy can be a powerful thing. It can even cause a pony to act like an ass."
"I don't get jealous, what's my reason?"
>"A rare developmental disorder that only allows for brief spurts of intense, uncontrollable emotion."
"What am I, a daytime soap now?"
>Celestia chuckles. "Well, that's what's ensuring you don't get sent to jail for this so perhaps you should play the part."
>You laugh as you move your ice pack to another wound. "Is that what you tell em every time?"
>"No. "He's very stupid." usually works."
>Heh.
>Bitch.

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>>42847751

>>42847969
Extremely cute celly

>>42841027
Slutty pits

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>>42841005
Yes, I want to massage hooves, I want to pamper hooves, I want to kiss hooves.

>>42848480
All cellys a cute

>>42841109
AC status?

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>>42849441
working on it in the slow moments of life. i won't blogpost but i've been cutting my teeth on writing a real novel and that's where i've been sinking most of my time lately. don't worry, AC is still coming. everything else i've left out to dry, too, for that matter

>>42849969

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An apple a day

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>Day 400 of being anonymous in Equestria.
>The breeze carries a slight scent of honey dew, it is mid autumn and you feel less at home than you ever have before.
>But the familiar sighting of Twilight Sparkle catches you attention. She trots delicately, her lips flobble a little bit as she breathes heavily, leaning down to eat some grass.
>She pulls back up, looking around, her breath getting hea vier, her horn begins to glow a bright aura of violet and purple. The pony starts to whinny loudly, the light coalecsing about her horn in a shock of firework and brilliance.
>Twilight's whinnies merge with her hard breaths, she looks about frantically, veins bulging all about her, a light froth of sweat building, until. finally she releases at the crescendo of light around her horn, a loud whiney exhale of a screech, like a banshee from hell, her horn ejaculating luminous ectoplasm, her body tremoring, load after load of horn goop shoots out and plopps down to the grass with welt squelches.
>She continues to make her atonal noise for quite a while, even after her horn finishes it's squirting, before she finally calms down, her ears twitch about, she turns her head to look towards you clumsily, her beady eyes blinking.
>She scratches the ground twice with her left forehoof, shakes her head, and expells a harsh breath out of her fleshy nostrils.
>Then she proceeds to leave.
I will never not be frightened by these things.

>>42850968
Eh you get used to it…

>>42841005
This is incredibly gay. What the fuck is this fanfic shit?

>>42850930
Stop anon some of that is gay

>>42850968
Unf

>>42850968
Look after a year away from home, you start to look at things different.

>>42852878
Thought the book was a watermelon

What is Anon getting his waifu for Hearthswarming?

9

>>42853674
Well she enjoys baking, so maybe I'd get her some new baking dishes that she doesn't have.

>>42853674
Uhhh…what do you get Royalty??

>>42854698
Your company. For that is priceless.
>>42853317
I am literally bringing Christmas into town for my wife and daughter. I will be the jolly fatman for all the kids. Just cause I want to stay close to my roots. And I think equestria deserves a little Christmas too.

>>42854810
>”Anon, who’s Christ?”

>>42855347
>>42855113
I don’t fucking know either. I am just gonna spin a random story about santee claws.

>>42855347
Twilight would be too busy trying to square all the apocrypha

>>42856052
>”These Christian and Islamic texts make no sense! I hope someone got fired for that blunder.”

>>42855665
>"Wait, he breaks into your home??"

>>42841005
Call the ponice

live (because you'll piss someone off)

>>42858235
Ngl this is why I got over my depression

>>42857176
>You look around like you are going to unearth a conspiracy.
“Doesnt break a thing…”
>You whisper before leaning in some more.
“He used his Christmas magic to sneak in through the chimney. Or a crack in the wall. The tiniest little thing. But Hes not bad, no no no. He comes with toys for kids. To make them happy.”

>>42858235
This. And when you do finally die make sure whoever discovers you is absolutely disgusted. I want my fetid corpse to cause someone to gag.

>>42858466
Do the piano wire and ice thing

>>42858709
Elaborate

>>42858792
You stand on a block of ice and hang yourself with piano/razor wire after gluing your hands to your head.
For whomever finds you, it looks like you pulled your own head off.

>>42859116
Lmao

>>42859116
Has this ever been accomplished?

>>42859402
I mean you’d have to check

>>42859655
Brohoof a fellow oldfag
/8

No so fast slidefags!

>>42859116
Rube Goldberg ass suicide naxhine

>>42855665
Recap the Tim Allen movies

=Flanking Maneuvers Episode 9=

>You skipped along the Canterlot streets, happy as could be.
>It was barely after ten, but you had already made your day.
>Today had been the culmination of weeks of planning and pranking Celestia.
>You had been hiding them all over the city.
>Along the walls.
>In the shops.
>Over roofs and under bridges.
>Even got a few on the top of the castle.
>Dildos.
>Hundreds upon hundreds of dildos, spread all over Canterlot where Celestia would see.
>She had, to your shock and surprise, actually gotten rid of most of her prosthetics when the two of you got married.
>Most.
>Six boxes of plastic dongs and a couple late night snooping sessions had lead to one of your greatest pranks ever.
>And it all got capped off this morning at breakfast when Celly found a plastic cock baked into her bread.
>The look on her face was priceless, you couldn't tell if she wanted to just eat around it or swallow the whole thing.
>She had stormed off after you started laughing and left her breakfast sitting there, apparently locking herself in the Magi tower.
>You glanced over at said tower, it was lit up like a Christmas tree like it always was.
>Except this time, the antenna on top was glowing like no tomorrow, gathering up magical energy.
>That...wasn't supposed to happen...
>A pink crack of lightning strikes the tip of the tower and sends a wave of magic over the city.
>You raise your arms over your face as the wave tosses you back.
>Voices around you cry out in shock asking "what happened?" over and over.
>Your entire body stings as you push yourself up off the ground... and...
>You look down and see them, your mind not believe it.
"WHY DO I HAVE TITS!?"

>>42861282
>You stormed through the palace.
"WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS HE!?"
>You were a feral tiger on the hunt, and you knew just the kind of blood you wanted.
>You reached out and grabbed a royal guard by the scruff of her armor.
"WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?"
>She timidly points a hoof down the hall, towards your room.
>You toss her away and go kick the door open, he's standing there with that shit eating grin of his.
"SOLARIIIIIIIIIIS!"
>He turns and flashes a smile to you.
>"Hello darling! How are yo-"
>You grab his face and shut him up.
"I'M GOING TO KILL AND EAT YOU."
>His smile twists into a smarmy grin.
>"In what order~?"
>You grab his horn and tilt his head down so you can look into his eyes.
"Fix. This."
>He chuckles. "I don't know if I can."
>What.
>WHAT.
"WHAAAAAAT?!"
>"Who is shouting in here!?" A navy alicorn behind you yelled.
"SHUT UP ORION!"
>You turn back to your husband.
"What do you mean you "don't know if you can"?"
>Solly smiles. "Just that dear, the spell seemed to...misfire. I can't say this gender swapping effect was what I had in mind."
>That might explain why even your thoughts were flipped.
>Wait.
"What WAS the effect you wanted?"
>Solly smiles.
>"Irritable bowel syndrome dear, honest."
>Brilliant...

>>42861283
>You, Solaris and Orion were all crammed into a carriage heading towards Ponyville.
>You sat with your arms crossed as the sky outside whizzed by.
>Solaris spent the entire time staring at your chest.
"Fuck off."
>"Whatever do you mean, dear?"
"I mean I said I wasn't taking my tits out when we were at the castle and I'm not taking them out here."
>He nuzzles against your cheek.
>"Oh but darling...this is a once in a lifetime opportunity! Aren't you the least bit...curious?" He says.
>No.
>No you were not.
"Solly...your brother is RIGHT THERE."
>Orion sat in his seat on the far side of carriage, red faced as can be.
>"This...is what I get for seeing Pippy, isn't it?"
"Shut up Orion."
>He leans back in and begins trying to nibble at your ear.
>"See? He has no right to complain with the things he does..."
>The world was not prepared for your spouse with testosterone flooding his brain.
>But there was one thing that it was less prepared for.
>You. PMS'ing.
>Your hand shoots up and snatches Solaris' tongue from his mouth.
"Solly, if you utter another word about us having sex in this carriage, I'm going to rip this out."
>"'Ut iss 'ould 'e a o'y 'ime 'e 'ath 'oo 'y i'!"
"I don't care if this is the only time we have to try this! I am not letting you fuck me after you turned me into a boiling tub of estrogen!"
>Solaris yanks his tongue back into his mouth and pouts in the seat next to you.
>"You're fine with sleeping with me when you're a man but the second I turn you into a woman it's "Keep that thing away from me!"."
"...Yeah, that's how normal couples work."
>The carriage is silent...
>"...Pippy and I don't work like that."
"SHUT UP ORION."

>>42861286
>You open the door to the Ponyville Library.
"Dusk! You better be able to fix this crap!"
>Dusk Shine trots down the stairs from his second floor, Stiletto the dragon on his back.
>"You guys too, huh?"
>"I'm afraid so, my faithful student..." Solaris said.
>You could care less that Solaris didn't want to tell Dusk he did this, whatever, he'll get his later.
>You just wanted your balls back.
>"That Mo'?" A voice from the basement asked.
>Awww...her too?
"Hey Ann."
>The two of you embrace in the library.
"How's Blitz taking it?"
>"Amazed at his new appendage, how bout you two?"
>You glance at your husband and narrow your eyes.
"We're dealing..."
>Solaris clears his throat.
>"Yes, well, why don't we get started trying to solve this dilemma?" He says.
>He turns to Dusk and Ann.
>"I believe the spell was a transmogrification wave sent across the Angel spectrum."
>"How could this get on the Angel spectrum!? The power requirements would be enormous!"
>"But if it -IS- on the Angel Spectrum..."
>"...Then the Princes' using their magic on a Riselem Ankh hooked up to a transmitter should reverse the effects!"
>They were talking a different language when they were like this.
>You couldn't even tell who said what.
>Dusk walked over to a shelf. "I have a Riselem Ankh in here somewhere, we can just hook it up to a dish and be set to go!"
>He levitates the box out and dumps the contents on the floor.
>You imagine he immediately regrets it based on what falls out and the shade of crimson his cheeks take.
"Now I KNOW the maids at the castle don't have fishnets as part of their outfits..."
>"They will starting next week~..."

>>42861288
>An hour or two later you were back at the palace.
>And your balls were back in their rightful spot.
>Celly had been disappointed when her own pair winked away, but at least it stopped her from giving you that lusty stare.
>The three of you had said your goodbyes and made way back to Canterlot.
>As part one of your revenge, you had let slip that it was Celly who flipped everyone, Luna was in the process of nagging your ears off about it.
>"-and I have NEVER seen such a blatant disregard for ones duties in all my years! Honestly Sister, swapping the genders of the ENTIRE NATION? OVER PETTY REVENGE?!"
>A glance at Celly's face told you that she was just as tired of this as you were.
>The two of you walked into your room as Luna ranted in the hallway.
>"Why, if this were the days of Olde Equestria, we would take you out an-"
>She gets cut off as you slam the door.

>>42861291
>"THANK you..." Celestia said as she walked to her beauty desk.
>"Another minute of that and I'd have to send her to the moon again..."
"You deserve it."
>"Oh come now dear, I told you that it was unintended! I only wanted to give you the runs!"
"Oh well in THAT case..."
>Celly pouts at the desk. "Wasn't even willing to experiment with the time we had..."
"Oh fuck off, you're lucky I don't divorce you."
>"Ha! As if anyp0ny else would put up with you!"
>The room is silent for a moment.
"You know..."
>Celly turns to you.
"I'm not opposed to it..."experimentation"...
>Her gaze turns sultry as she gets to her feet and trots to the other side of the bed from you.
>"Oh~? What kind?..."
"Hehe...let me show you..."
>You reach under the bed and grab It.
>You plop it down on the bed and grab the rip cord as Celly's eyes grow wide and she realizes what it is you're holding.
>"Mous! Don't you-"
>You pull the chord.
"DILDO BOMB!"

>>42861058
I have no clue what that is.

>>42861574
The context clues ought to fill you with dread.

>>42861574
Blessed child

>>42861574
Lol

>>42842106
No girls allowed

>>42856610
What’s this fag do these days

I caught a tv edit of The Usual Suspects the other day on that new pony channel, it's so cute how they put *squee*'s over the curses.

>>42863855
Why does pink get special treatment

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>>42864476
That wasn't in the original. I think that artist wanted to make up for what Anon did to Pinkie in Weaver's original.

>>42863855
Rarara is a cute nickname though

>>42864617
Yeah but she'd hate it and bitch you out.

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>1000% immersion true-to-life AiE

>>42864783
POV you are a mirror

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>>42864857

>>42866557
That’s what face Rarara would give 90% of the time

>>42867065
Lil shid…

>>42841109
Was there more of this anywhere?

>>42867065
sex with semi anthro lyra

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fuck it, crossposting faggot mode is a go
pls r8 5 stars this shit took WAY too long to write

>You are Applejack
>and you’re still mesmerized by what you’ve pulled off
>convincing anon to sleep in your room was the best decision you’ve ever made
>watching his adorable little breathing patterns play out after a hard days work will never get old
>it’s always worth it to stay up that tiny bit of extra time
>you press your nose right into his hair
>somehow anon gives off the most familiar smell
>you pull the blanket higher onto him, keeping every part of him nice and warm
>tucking him in just that extra smidge
>you lay back down, admiring his breath
>breathing in his exhales is a guilty pleasure of yours
>even with all your desires laying in front of you, you still gotta get some rest yourself
>work waits for nopony

>Day 182 innaquestria
>you are anon
>and you’re totally fucked
>while you’ve always been able to subsist on ramen and cheap food back home
>doing ACTUAL labor flips the script pretty hard
>with your body moving and doing real work instead of ass sitting all day your body has gotten pretty busted at this point
>it’s been about a month since you’ve taken the job with applejack on her farm
>at first you got super sore, classic first day of conditioning when starting anything physically demanding
>in about two days you recovered to about 90%-ish of your strength, still feeling a tiny bit sore but never to the point you can’t work
>but here’s where the issues come in
>every day you work you go to bed sore and wake up just the littlest bit more sore than the day before
>you mentioned this to AJ once, before you even realized this pattern
>she was nice enough to let you sleep in her room so she could massage your muscles a bit
>she was always really nice but you’re getting the feeling that relations are starting to be strained
>like you said, every day you get a more and more sore
>and here’s the kicker
>your diet has been basically vegetarian since you got here
>sure you had milk and eggs but the amount that you ate was 100% NOT enough
>and there’s no feasible way for you to find a way to incorporate more into your diet due to almost all meals being eaten with the family
>obviously you could pull some stunts and drink some milk in the middle of the night but even then the family will take notice to how much is missing
>it’s not their fault, but if you explain the fact that you have higher protein needs than them, you’re going to have to explain some other uncomfortable things
>you REALLY missed the train on explaining dietary needs to twilight when you had the chance
>now it would be kinda weird to get into that starting now
>who knows how they’ll take it

(part 1/5)

>>42868935
>it’s a shame that there were so many other topics at hand, you completely neglected to say anything about it at the time
>but the past is in the past and right now your trajectory is looking like it’s gonna crash with no survivors
>the first few days of work were usually you and AJ working as a team to gather apples and you mostly hauling the wheel barrel so AJ could kick trees a bit faster
>worked like a damn charm thats for sure
>after that you would go do some solo stuff like log splitting and checking on the animals
>the apple family had a pretty dead simple system it honestly felt like it was designed for new hires more than anything
>AJ’s been tagging along more and more with chores that honestly probably don’t need more than you for them
>even though sweet apple acres isn’t some kind of soulless megacorp or something you know what this is basically implying
>performance improvement plan
>with your dwindling strength, AJ probably thinks you’re slowly getting more and more lazy
>with the massages and always watching over you it’s abundantly clear that she’s trying to get you to work harder
>and it’s really getting you nervous
>normally you would devise some kind of heist to buy some time and run to the store with your paycheck and perform the fitness rite of passage by going GOMAD
>sadly, you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place
>if you made an attempt to run to the store and you chugged as much milk as you could from that gallon in public not only would you look stupid but you would also have a half empty jug you would have the drag all the way back to sweet apple acres
>even if you could somehow find an alleyway to chug milk in that still leaves you with an unfinished gallon of milk you would have to find a spot to dispose of
>you see the conundrum
>even with a plan it gets so convoluted that there’s a million ways it could go wrong even if you disregard the daily inconvenience of sneaking out to go to the store everyday
>hell, not only would it raise AJ’s suspicion, but how would you explain where your appetite went once dinner rolls around or even for breakfast if you tried sneaking out the night before
>there’s no way you can think of an option that doesn’t involve either getting caught really fast or getting caught slightly later on
>there’s no way around it
>unless you want to try and explain to AJ, the vegetarian horse, that you, anon, are in fact a predator, you’ve gotta find a way to quit this job in a way that’s as amicable as possible

>You’re still anon
>”you know anon, I really think you’re cut out for this kinda life!”
>and you’ve been trying to mull over how to break it to AJ
>”not a lot a ponies could put up with this kinda work”
>there’s no way this is gonna work
(part 2/5)

>>42868935
>>42868940
stop posting this garbage

>>42868940
>”why i got half the mind to buy you yer own pillow so we ain’t gotta share just the one! I think ya earned it at least!”
>the longer you stay here the harder it’s gonna be to get out just out of sheer obligation
>”OH hooey, i’m just kiddin’, sharin’ it’s half the fun right anon?”
>she presses the side of her body against the side of yours
>”anon?”
>just say it dude
>”uh, equestria to anon? You there sug’?”
>fuck dude c’mon just say it
>”anon, HEY! You’re really startin’ to worry m-”
“Aj…”
>”there you are, you got your head in the clouds or somethin’?”
>you take a breath
>yeah you’re biting the bullet
“I don’t think i can do this anymore…”
>she shrinks back a little and makes an audible swallow
>”w-wait hold on there, i’m sure w-we could bump your pay er s-somethin if’n-”
“No… look aj it’s nothing like that at all, I’m just not sure if i’m cut out for this kind of work long term you know?”
“I mean lets face it, you kind of have to babysit me for everything at this point”
>”nghn”
>she makes a gutteral noise and shrinks back further as if trying to push a sentence that’s fighting to stay in
>”NO YOU… oh HORSEAPPLES ANON!”
>she barks that sentence at you
>”YA CAN’T GO, YA JUST CAN’T!”
>alright now she’s starting to freak you out
“Look aj, i know bailing like this on short notice isn’t cool, i swear i can try to stay until you get some new help around or-”
>she shut her eyes hard before opening them real wide and looking side to side
>she looks up at you and lunges at you in a tackle
“hey-HEY! A-”
>you crash to the ground as aj moves around trying to get a pin on you
“Christ AJ what's gotten into you!”
>her breathing is erratic and her movements are panicky
>”YA-CAN’T-LEAVE-YA-CAN’T-LEAVE-YA-GOTTA-STAY-YA-GOTTA-STAY”
>for the first few seconds you thought she was pissed, but after getting a grip on what was happening you noticed her tears and shaky voice
>”anon please, what do ah gotta do t’ make ya stay…”
>she death gripping you in a bear hug, laying down on you with her full weight to keep you in place
>initially you struggled a bit but DAMN this mare is heavy
>”just say it… just say it… ah’d do anything t’ make ya stay…”
>she leans her face down closer to yours, her shuddering breath grazing your face with warmth
“Aj i swear you didn’t do anything wrong”
>she opens her eyes again and leans in even closer, her breath kissing you where her lips have yet to reach
>she whispers
>”anything… *sniff* anon ah swear i’d do anything *sniff* you just tell me and i’ll give it to you…”
>you pause trying to word this right
“It’s… you know how I was complaining about the soreness and all…”
>hearing you mention your soreness again gets her massaging your shoulder instinctually
>”yeah… yeah i remember…”
(part 3/5)

>>42868943
>here goes nothing
“Humans… sort of have different protein needs… we can’t really… recover physically with vegetables and stuff… the eggs were always helpful but we… only really had one or two a day… do you… sort of… know what i mean?”
>she takes a half second to process what you said before her eyes go half lidded
>as if a wave of relief hit her so hard she was going to pass out
>a dopey smile spread on her face as her neck goes limp
>her head flops down right on your shoulder
>she moves her head just enough for her lips to lightly press on your ear
>”ya just got winona’s appetite is all…”
>she chuckles a lightly
>”i can make ya the nicest steak in the world anon…”
>there’s no way
>”a big… juicy… steak… would ya like that sug’...”
>holy. Fucking.
“Yeah…”
>the relief you feel would keep you tied to the floor even if AJ wasn’t here
>”So that's all it was then?”
>she slowly lifts her head up brushing the side of your face as it rises
“Y-yeah… in hindsight i really should’ve told you sooner…”
>her eyes have the most loving look in the world
>”you know i’d do anything t’ keep ya here right anon?”
>she cups your face with her hooves and gently kneads your cheeks affectionately
>her low voice soothes you to the brink of sleep
>”ya know… applebloom and big mac would miss ya if ya left…”
>the trance she put you in leaves you unable to respond
>”poor little applebloom… ya know she looks up to you right anon?”
>she delicately presses her nose against your forehead
>”she really likes havin’ you around… havin’ you pick her up to lay on a branch, or chase her around after sittin’ in class all day…”
>she gradually slides her nose down your forehead and the length of your nose
>”Mac’s never spoken so much since ya stayed… you were always such a good listener…”
>she exhales, warming the parts of your nose you didn’t even realize were cold
>”I don’t think mac’s ever had a friend like you anon… I don't think he could take it if ya left us…”
>as her lips from a smirk, you feel her lips part on the tip of your nose
>”and oh granny… never seen her so excited about cookin’ since you came along…”
>”you were always such a wonderful addition to the family anon…”
>her smile falter, her brow curls with light worry
>”promise you’ll stay part a’ the family anon, please?”
>you face awakens from the trance just enough to speak
“I’d want nothing more…”
>her smile raises her cheeks just enough to press a lingering tear from each eye
>she tilts her head slightly and glides her nose down the side of yours as she presses her lips against yours
>she faintly suctions your lips, pulling them up just a tiny bit every time she breaks the kiss, making a delicate pop only for her to sink back against them for more
(part 4/5)

>>42868946
>within minutes she feels enough satisfaction to speak briefly
>”oh anon… i’ve been waitin’ too long for this…”
>she gives in to the urge for one more kiss before continuing
>”y’know… i already had my eyes on you for a bit before i snagged ya t’ work here…”
>”my feelings just seemed t’ have spun outta control ever since…”
>she eyes you up and down
>”let’s head in… ain’t no pressing work left, and i’m sure you’re hungry…”

>dusk is setting in as you and applejack lay next to each other in bed
>”open wide anon”
>you still find it slightly humorous, but she insisted
>she sets the bit of steak between your teeth for you to pull off of the fork
>”y’know it ain’t proper to eat in bed, but i can make an exception for this”
>she chuckles to herself as she cuts another bite sized piece for you
>”who am i kidding… i’ll always make an exception for you anon”
>as you finish your meal and set the plate aside you turn back to her
>she pulls the blanket up on both of you
>she wraps her hooves around the back of your head, pulling you in for a soft kiss
>her face backs away just enough to look into your eyes
>”I’ll always have goodnight kisses for ya sweetums… sleep well for me alright”
>she pulls herself up just enough to rest her chin on top of your head, pulling you toward her chest
>as she pulls the blanket up further to cover you fully, you fall asleep in her cradle
(part 5/5)

>>42868942
what?

>>42868953
Ignore him, that's just one of the schizos that hates anything AiE. Keep up the good work, the board can never have enough green authors.

>>42868961
You're not a real thread on here until you have a local schizo.

>>42869294
We need to go back to the days of asylums

>>42869789
Or throwing malformed kids off cliffs

>>42868961
What’s he even hope to accomplish

>>42868953
Don’t even bother senpai

>>42869294
God knows how many there are now.

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The pink demon is at it again

>>42842023
>Are there Femanon in Equestria fanfics?
There are several, you'd have to dig though, I can't recall all of them.
Th3seus' And Everything Nice comes to mind though:
poneb.in/e0tNce90

>>42846578
Yeah I uploaded it a few threads back, I'm slowly adding everything to it.

>>42873251
Pls to link again

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>go to Equestria
>get hit on and chatted up by goats
What now?

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Yeah.
Apparently goats are civilized in Equestria too.
Who knew?

>>42873801
Convert to Baphomism I guess

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>>42874331
>"That's the spirit, Anon!"

>>42874340
That’s a boy

>>42874617
You didn't answer his question

>>42873801
>>42874007
>>42874340
>goats
Is this Equestria or some voodoo filled former Caribbean slave colony

>>42875394
Grogar was a goat

>>42875599
>Grogar
>goat
Anon, I...

>>42875603
Yeah, he was a bicorn, but that's like saying a unicorn isn't a pony.

>>42875603
Grogar confirmed not virgin

>>42875603
He’s got the chin tuft

>>42875712
Classic Grogar was clearly a goat

>>42876684
A magic goat.

>>42874007
>>42874340
Stop, this is gay.

=Flanking Maneuvers Episode 11=

>You and Celly sat on the beach together.
>In the sun.
>At high noon.
>In SUMMER.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred billion times, I HATE THE SUN."
>Celly turns your way and pouts. "How can you be so cruel, dear?"
"Eat shit, you know what I mean."
>Celly tuts and goes back to watching the ocean. "Well I absolutely ADORE it here! This place never fails to make me feel like a million bits!" she says as she stretches her wings out and lays down.
>You sit and stew for a bit.
"I can literally FEEL my skin burning."
>You were going to be so peely...
>"Dear, you bed the sun goddess of an entire planet, you should be used to a bit of sunburn~."
"You can control yourself, tell your stellar body to leave me the hell alone."
>Celly rolls over onto her back. "Sorry dear! If I give you special treatment, then everyone will be expecting it!"
>You get off the towel next to her and brush yourself off.
"I put up with you, I deserve it. I'm hitting the ice cream dude, you want anything?"
>"Banana please, dear." she says.
>You wordlessly leave and make your way in the direction of the ice cream dude.
>At least this was some fancy couples retreat private beach thing, NOTHING sucked worse than beach crowds.
>You find the ice cream stand.
"Vanilla and a banana, please."
>The pony inside turns to and his eyes grow wide at the sight.
>Come on, you've been here ages by now and you were a fairly public figure.
>"Ah, hello sir. I've been expecting you." he says.
"Does word of my sweet tooth travel that far?"
>He flashes a toothy grin. "No, but we've been watching you for months."
>Something pricks you on the back of your neck and you pass out.

>>42877484
>You woke up in some green goo.
>OH GOD SHE GOT THE JELL-O OUT AGAIN!
>You silently scream inside your goo-prison and learn that you are not, in fact, in Jell-o.
>Jell-o didn't taste like piss and eggs.
>You reach your hand out and brush up against a soft barrier.
>You apply some pressure and are able to poke a hole.
>The hole widens as you force your hand through it until you are spilling out onto the ground below.
>You spat the foul tasting liquid out.
"HELP! HELP! I'VE BEEN SLIMED!"
>You wipe the goo of your eyes and get top your feet, only to find someone standing eye to eye with you.
>She was about Celly's height, with some SERIOUS hair grease problems and black chitinous skin. Along with green eyes that were staring VERY intently at you.
"I'VE BEEN SLIMED BY THE BLACK SLUTTY QUEEN OF THE COCKROACHES!"

>>42877489
>Chrysalis as you knew her from the royal wedding huffed.
>"I see the crown Prince's tongue is as sharp as always."
"Not as sharp as yours is, snake-y."
>You brush the last of the slime off you and compose yourself.
"Any reason you kidnapped me? I thought I left you gob smacked the last time we tangoed."
>Those green eyes gain a spark of mischief. "I have been watching all those who were responsible for throwing me out of Canterlot for some time now."
>Meaning Luna was perfectly safe.
>"I must say you...interested me at the wedding, your highness. And seeing you and Princess Celestia together has made me yearn for a partner that I don't devour after copulating."
>Okay...gross.
>"I see how you and the Princess treat each other, your highness. I assure you I can make your life much more...pleasurable~" she says with a flit of her forked tongue.
>She eats emotions and still gets it wrong.
>She also radiates fucking horny waves at all times, it seems. Time with Celly has prepared you well.
"A-huh...and how much of this is over sex?"
>You swear you see fucking red come over those black cheeks of hers.
>"Hmmhmm~...I will admit that your reputation for..."noise" with Celestia was what drew me to you in the first place~."
>First a sun goddess beds you and now a bug-queen is trying to.
>Your scowl cannot grow any deeper.

>>42877490
>Nope. You were wrong. It can totally go deeper.
>It can go deeper when this fucking bug queen decided to show her "Changeling King" around her hive.
>This hellhole was terrible, you actually started to miss the sun.
>All you had was the glow of emerald crystals hanging all over the place.
>It had been like this for HOURS now.
>"And here we have our spawning pools, these Changelings are in the final stages of incubation." Chrysalis says.
>You look down at the bubbling green concoction as its glow filled the room.
"It smells like piss and eggs."
>Chrysalis glowers at you. "These pools represent the future of the entire hive, as the new King, you may wish to show your future subjects more respect!"
>Another Changeling flies up and begins talking to Chrysalis, leave you alone to ponder.
>You look down into the bubbling pools. You can see as little microbes swim about and collect in certain spots, forming the rudimentary shape of a Changeling.
>More drones flew in from further down the caverns and dumped more slime inside.
>You could make out a few pieces of food inside the goo, food which was immediately broken down by the little buggers inside.
>Guess they need nutrients.
>Hmm...
>Maybe you ought to give them some...
>You look both ways and unzip your pants.
>The cavern is filled with the sound of water on water.
>Chrysalis' face goes to abstract horror as she turns her head.
"Your tour goes too long. I've been holding it."

>>42877493
>You now sat at the Changeling version of "dinner".
>Meaning you were expected to eat a rat that had been scorched black and sit at a table that looks like it has been made of solidified spit.
>Changelings ate love, so you guess that means they didn't know how to cook a fucking meal.
>Finally a chef worse than Celly.
>You sat next to Chrysalis alone as you poked around your cooked crap.
>"Are you not hungry, my king?"
"No. It's just a fucking rat who was cooked to carbonization."
>You flick it off the table with your crappy fork.
"Come on, I get that none of you can taste real people food, but can you at LEAST kidnap someone who can?"
>Chrysalis scowls again.
"Seriously, the fucking wedding food was better than this!"
>You sweep the plate off the table.
"Do you not remember, you had to TASTE all of it."
>The Royal Wedding happened a few months before you and Celly tied the knot.
>Chrys has broken in and tried to take over Canterlot, it was only through Anon and the girls getting the Elements that they didn't.
>Chrysalis had put Celly in some cocoon way up high before the two of you spent the entire time before Anon got the Elements arguing.
>It was like you were some magnet for bitchy immortal monarchs.
>"Your time here will go much easier if you COOPORATE, Prince..." Chrysalis growls as she jams her face in yours.
>Here's your fucking cooperation.
>You reach your hands under the table and flip it, sending what was left of the shit-tacular meal into the air and crashing down onto the ground.
>Chrysalis glowered at you as the Changeling guards rushed in and found the "dinner" thrown on the floor.
"I sneezed."

>>42877494
>Some time later you were laying on a "bed" that Chrysalis had prepared for you both.
>All in all, it was a fairly decent recreation of the bed back home.
>Changelings don't seem to have any creative spark at all, it seemed.
>Chrysalis came into the room and took one look at your grumpy exterior.
>"Were you this indignant when Celestia brought you into HER bed?"
"Yes."
>Chrysalis grins. "Well then, I should have good odds."
>She hops up on the bed and scoots over to you, purring as she rests a head on your shoulder.
"You're coming on awful strong for a woman who's not getting any."
>Chrysalis rolls her eyes. "I don't see any ring on your hand."
>The deepest scowl you've had in a while exploded onto your face.
>You didn't like talking about your wedding ring.
>You mumble something.
>Chrysalis brings her face closer. "What? What did you just say?"
"I said "That's because it's not a ring that goes on my -finger-"..."
>Chrys-a-swiss brings her face back, her eyes shifting between yours and your pants.
"Yeah."
>All is silent for the briefest of moments.
>Then Chrysalis starts laughing.
>"AHAHAHAHAHAHA! TO THINK THAT THE CROWN PRINCE SO TOUTED FOR HIS INDEPENDANCE IS FORCED TO WEAR A COCK-RING AS A WEDDING BAND!"
"AT LEAST I'M NOT SOME MUTANT WHO GOT BEATEN BY THE POWER OF LOVE!"
>She wipes a tear from her eye. "W-wait until the people of Canterlot hear this!"
>Dammit!
>You raise your fist up and slam it down on the bed.
"SHUT UP!"
>You strike Chrysalis on her leg.
>"OH~!"

>>42877498
>wat.
>Chrysalis shakes her head a bit. "Careful! Those holes are very sensitive!"
>...She didn't just-
>She did.
>She'll regret that?"
"Oh re-he-he-heally~?"
>You reach a hand down and start to circle a finger around one of the wider holes.
>"No! Mous! don-!" The rest gets muffled as Chrysalis bites her bottom lip.
>You slide off the bed as you massage her hole and grab a rock from the window.
"You know, you really shouldn't tell people your erogenous zones."
>You pop the rock into the hole rather snuggly, sending Chrysalis into spazzing fits as she brushed up against its smooth surface.
"They're only going to use it against you."
>You grabbed something else, a glowing crystal this time, and popped it into another hole.
>Chrysalis bucked and shook as you went around the room and placed as many objects as you could find in her cheese-legs.
>In time, they were all filled.
"How you hangin' there, Chrys?"
>A small "Mmmf!" came from her lips as she tried to stay very, VERY still.
>Satisfied that you weren't getting molested tonight from someone who couldn't concentrate long enough to use her magic, you settled in on the floor, finding it surprisingly comfortable.
"Goodnight Chryssy~"
>"Mmmmmmff!"

>>42877501
>The next day you were stuck next to Chrysalis as she made some retarded speech in front of the spawning pools.
>"Soon, my minions! Soon we will catalyze this new breed of drones to bolster our ranks!"
>She had been going on like this for hours now.
>Apparently new Changelings were brought to the cusp of their development before something was fed into all the pools. That something was the catalyst that imprinted something on all the drones.
>If they needed more fighters, it was a corpse. More workers, a rock. More scouts, an eye.
>Almost anything could be put into the pools and imprinted on a new batch of Changelings.
"Great. You made your speech. Can we go now?"
>Chrysalis glares, none too happy about not being able to move at night. "We will be staying until te ceremony is complete, child."
>Oh yeah, she was pissed.
>Just needed one more...
>Chrysalis starts talking again as you snuck off.
>"And this! Are largest batch of Changelings ever! In time we will have the forces to march on Equestria once again!"
>The amassed Changelings cheer.
>"In your lifetimes, WE WILL TAKE CANTERLOT!"
>They cheer again, louder this time.
>"And I will throw Princess Celestia from her throne myse-"
>Chrysalis is interrupted by a loud "plop!" from behind her.
>All the Changelings present turn to look to you, bare assed and hovering over the prime spawning pool.
"...What? This is what you get for having a long-ass fuckin' rally."

>>42877502
>You were back in Canterlot now, a pair of Changelings dropping you unceremoniously on Celestia's balcony.
"Yeah, well fuck you too!" you shout as they fly away.
>You rub your sore butt, walk into your nice comfortable room again and collapse on the bed.
>Celly just so happened to pick that exact moment to walk in through the door eating a banana.
>"Dear?"
"Hey. Nice of you to send a rescue party."
>"Rescue party?" she asked arching an eyebrow.
"Yeah you bitch, I got kidnapped by fucking Changelings and was almost forced to be their goddamn king."
>Celly slowly nods. "Ah yes...you never came back from ice cream..."
"And YOU never noticed I was gone, brilliant."
>Celly walks around and sits down on the edge of the bed.
"...So, enjoy the vacation?"
>A grin parted your wife's lips. "Did you know that they film Marewatch there?"
>You roll your eyes.
"Gross, now there's literally sand in your vagina."
>She leans back and falls next to you. "You know I only get pleasure from you, dear~."
>You sigh and reach an arm out to scratch her behind the ears, eliciting a small purr from her.
>"How did you get back here?" she cooed.
"They kicked me out."
>"Oh?"
"Did you know that Changelings are made from a base genetic code? And that pooping in the pool that has that is bad?"
>Celly chuckles. "You didn't..."
"Ruined the whole batch...Chryssy probably wanted to kill me but she just kept screaming "OUT OUT OUT!" in that flanged voice of hers."
>Celly rolled over and threw a hoof across you. "So you escaped your kidnappers by simply being annoying."
"Pretty much."
>"Well, it's good to see that our hostage plan works."
"Just as planned, Celly."

>>42877771
No one's that good at world-building.

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>>42877025
So now I'm going to keep doing it because I know it pisses you off.
SUCK IT!

>>42878099
>You know that game somehow loosely based on that pony show but not at all about ponies?
>Yeah, no one else does either.

>>42878103
Ahem.

>>42878103
"Fighting is Magic" was originally going to feature the Mane Six in a tournament fighting game (similar to "Street Fighter")
>https://youtu.be/aA1aUbHJFic
But then they got a CEASE AND DESIST letter from Hasbro.
Lauren Faust felt sorry for them and she contributed new character designs (Paprika, Shanty, et al) and it was reborn as "Them's Fighting Herds".
Then the developers trolled out and ruined everything.
Rags-to-riches-to redemption-to-nuclear implosion.
Circle of life, man.

>>42878114
>The mods made us a general on this board because they didn't want us on /v/
Yeah we know.

>>42878124
>trolled out
No, that's supposed to be "trooned out".
Go fuck yourself.

>>42878127
That's because /v/ spergs out and has a meltdown whenever they see anything even vaguely resembling a pony.

>>42878131
Among the few times where I'll side with /v/, your creature game shouldn't even be here, should be on /trash/.

>>42878172
Smells like a fag fad

>>42878128
sir this is the troon thread

>>42878124
How’d they ruin it?

>>42878783
That's /ptfg/ sir

>>42868951
But where does an applehorse get steak?

>>42879197
Maybe cows donate their bodies. Or it could be goat or sheep.

>>42879197
Neighbors.

>>42879197
Dogs can live on a plant-based diet provided you stuff 'em with supplements too, but Rarity has a cat, and they are obligate carnivores. Somebody has to produce meat, or at least import it from Griffon country.

>>42879105
they sold the thing to a ((publisher))
>>42879210
Anon, Appuls have pigs

>>42879754
Yea but the story says steak, and you normally only really hear red meat referred to as steak, so I figured it wouldn't be pig or chicken. Goat and sheep just seem like the most likely source of acceptable red meat to me.

>>42879754
What'd the publisher do??

>>42879957
Not like even the AAA devs can fix their fighting games.

>>42879772
Yo we got a meat sperg ova here

>>42841005
I’d like to touch a bit more than hooves

>>42879744
Don’t griffons historically eat horses…?

>>42881066
>historically
You mean mythologically, but yeah

>>42881647
I hope they buy drinks first.

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>We now return to Goodfellas on Equus-Earth TV
>[The following program has been edited for ponies]
>"I'M GONNA *SQUEE* THE BASTI'- *CHIRP*!"
>"I'M GONNA *MAGIC AURA* THE SUNUVA-*WHINNY* RIGHT IN HIS BIG FU-*WAHAHA*!"

>>42882339
Pick a different movie

>>42882457
Do a different scene from the same movie next time? No prob, bob.

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>Woah!
>Yo, Pone'...you sayin' dat business wit' da buggabear was our funny friends with the beaks?

>>42873137
>rape

>>42882472
Do a comedy

>>42884078
Twilight would be a catponyfag

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>>42883732
>Nah. You know what they use in Prance?
>"The Mare-tric system."
>The Mare-tric system! Check out the big brains on Brett!

>>42884579
Pretty sure twilight mentions feet or something in the show

>>42884755
She has an appointment with Dead Zigger Storage now.

>2010+15
>people are still salty about ponies
Kek.

>>42884800
Being stuck in the era of your primary development is a classic sign of autism

>>42884897
Wut

>>42884897
Why is Issac there?

>>42884313
>"Is petplay your fetish?"

>>42884755
Horses have feet, it's just those feet include hooves.

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>>42884078

>>42884800
Who?

>>42887620
What’s he say to her? Crime statistics?

>>42884897
Nowadays it would be >>67

Has anyone done an AI made AiE story yet?
Would we even be able to tell if they had?

>>42887620
>Art thou mad

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>>42888571
Considering how easily old ai can blend in with posters here, probably not.

>>42889421
Maybe we’re not so different from the clankers…

>>42888571
If that happens, I will start ip logging people on the board and go on the most brutal killing spree of all time.

>>42888571
>saar saar has anyone redeemed the green saar
AIjeets on this thread? More likely than you think.

>>42889982
Good luck loser, I’m behind seven ponies

>>42889993
Did the show even air there?

>>42889421
This is eerie

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>Due to magic fuck up you go to Soi-Questria instead
>"Oh my great balls of gaseous fire, fueled by cosmic rays! A foreign life form! I wonder what xie identifies as.."
>"Salutations, newcomer! My name is Princess Soilestia, how in science's name did you end up here! Oh-! Hold that thought, you're just in time for our Christmas movie marathon!"
>"You like Die Hard?"

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>>42891305

>>42891431
>The Turing test is just shitposts

>>42891305
I look up ways to kill myself and others

>>42891431
WTF I love ai now

>>42891305
Fuck you at least watch Die Hard 2

>>42889421
Shit now I wonder about some conversations on here I’ve had

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>>42889078

=Flanking Maneuvers Episode ??=

>Breakfast.
>Toast.
>BURNT toast.
>Again.
"And on her last day of our bet, she decides to be a cunt and burns my food to carbon."
>You toss your ruined toast and watch it break into a million pieces.
>"It slipped." Celestia says.
"How often have those words been uttered around you?"
>Celestia rolls her eyes as you start buttering a sweet role.
>The Royal Family was rather small today, just Luna.
>Armor and Cadence were off in the Crystal Kingdom cleaning up after Sombra's crap.
>You remember that week, you had been on Celly's tits the entire time wondering why she was sending six kids instead of going herself.
>She spouted some crap about it being a test for Twilight.
>Meaning it smelled like a case of the "bad ex"'s to you.
>But that was the past now.
"So how you been, Luna?" you ask as you butter your bread.
>Luna sips her tea and arches an eyebrow. "I have been...well, In-law. I have been spending time out with some friends out in the city."
>Luna.
>Friends.
>Ha.
"And how's that been?"
>"It has been well, I even had a social date the other evening."
>Celestia sighs. "Spending time with those you care for is so nice..."
>You nod.
"That it is."
>"I wish I could get out more often."
"Yeah, it's a bit boring here all the time."
>"So you'll pick me up at eight?"
"Yeah, su-"
>Whoa.
>Wait.
>What?

>>42893637
>You and Celly were in your Sunday best sitting in the middle of the "Le", Canterlot's premier fancy restraint.
>You thought the name was flank-on-head retarded.
>Everyp0ny else sat around the outer edge of the establishment eating and being merry.
>You catch a few glances to your table still.
"Everyone is staring."
>Celly continues to eat her food. "We're royalty, it comes with the territory."
"Don't talk with your damn mouth full."
>"I'm the Sun, I can do what I want."
"You're a Princess, don't be a cunt."
>Celly waggles her eyebrows and puts a few leaves of salad in her mouth before saying "No."
>You resort to your last choice and flip her the bird.
>"Body language, dear. We're in public."
"Since when has public image been something you care about?"
>"Since I've had to pick up after you."
"Just keeping life interesting, don't want you going back into Hyper-Whore mode."
>"It keeps life interesting~" Celly says as she downs her wine.
>Hmm...should fix that.
>Your waiter returns to your table levitating a notepad. "And can I get the royal family anything else this evening?"
"A bottle of Asgardian Black, if you don't mind."
>The waiter balks a bit but regains his composure. "Is His Highness feeling particularly daring today?
>You toss a smile to Celly.
"No, but you can at least liquor me up first before I degrade myself."

>>42893641
>Celly sent your drink back as soon as it arrived, denying you and sort of fun you had planned and forcing you to do the thing you dreaded doing.
>Talking.
"So what's the plan for next week?"
>"The Prench president is stopping by for a bit of a chat about the situation of Horsaille and later in the week I was thinking about helping teach magical theory at the university."
"So you're gonna smell like cheap cheese and booze for a week, brilliant."
>Celly arches an eyebrow. "You'd prefer if I smell like you do? Sweat and whatever food was tossed at you?"
"Feck off."
>"Always a way with words, dear."
"One of us here has to."
>"And what are your plans for the week?"
"Figured I'd work most days, come home to your bitchy ass, and drink until I can't feel feelings anymore. You know, stuff normal people do as opposed to your God-king schedule."
>Celestia grins down. "Don't tell me you're still jealous~?"
"Don't fucking start that shit again."
>Celly titters and goes back to her meal, letting you spot two familiar faces over her shoulder.
"Hey, check five-thirty and seven."
>Celly looks over her shoulders at Filthy Rich on her right and Fancypants on her left.
>"Small Equestria."
"And you fucked one of them."
>"I have not slept with EVERYONE, dear."
"She said totally believing herself."

>>42893644
>Your soup came in time, one of the only filling things you could get outside of the castle.
"They burnt my soup..."
>"That's what you get for being picky."
"How do you burn soup?"
>"Honestly, I thought the royal chef was going to quit a few times."
"It's SOUP."
>"Why is it that you make half the castle staff almost quit just by being you?"
"Is Sweetie Belle working the backroom or some fucking shit?"
>"I swear that's the reason I don't take you out on diplomatic missions, you'd start a war in an hour."
>You continue to glance around the restaurant as an older stallion come to your table.
>"Princess Celestia." he began.
>Yeah, just ignore you.
>"It is my great honor to have you in my establishment tonight, and I would just like to ask if there was anything I could do for you to make your evening any more pleasant."
"You burnt my soup."
>Celly and him talk around you.
>"Oh thank you sir, but the dinner was positively lovely."
"Except for my burnt soup."
>"Your praise warms this old heart, Princess, thank you." he says with a bow.
"Do you have a little white filly working in the kitchen?"
>"The praise is well earned, good sir."
"About this tall? Unicorn? Pink hair and a high pitched voice?"
>The stallion bows deep as he continues to ignore you.
>Okay, that's it.
>You grab his ear.
"Hey, can you give me a hand with something?" you whisper.
>His eyes dart between you and her. "What did you have in mind, sir?"
>Oh.
>Something good.

>>42893646
>You kick in the door to the royal apartments.
"Luna! We're home!"
>You hoist the moaning Celestia further onto your back and trudge into through the door, grunting all the way.
"And I could use some damn help here!"
>Luna trots out of her room and balks when she sees you holding a Celestia who frankly looked like death on your back. "In-law! What happened!?"
>You take a few more steps as Luna helps lift Celly off your back.
>You massage the small of your back and groan as Luna looks her sister over.
>"WHAT HAPPENED HERE!?" she shouts.
"Ease up on the Royal Voice, she ate pears."
>Luna twists her head a bit. "Pears?"
"She's allergic. Stomach cramps."
>Luna nods her head. "Ah..."
"Care to help me lug her to bed?"
>"O-of course, In-law."
>You help Luna carry your wife upstairs and dump her fat ass on the bed.
>Once Luna is out of the room, you collapse on the bed next to Celly and give her your best grin.
"How ya feeling, Sunshine?"
>She mumbles something, you're sure you hear the word "revenge" in there.
>You pat her head.
"Now don't be like thaaaat, it's all in fun."
>She groans and rolls over as you hop up next to her.
"You gonna warn me if you vomit?"
>She moans again. "Uuhhhhgggggggg...yes..."
>She was totally lying, but that was the price you paid.
>You flip on the TV and nudge her as the show comes on.
"Oh look, Dirty Jobs."
>Celly moans and groans under the covers at the thought of a show about sewers with poop.
>You sigh contentedly.
"I had a good night too, sweetheart.

>>42886885
Deserved

>>42878131
I’m waiting for them to add horses to Fortnite so I can see the mess

>>42894577
Let Sakurai rest. He’s clearly over it.

Besides I want to see Fluttershy clown on Naruto