I'm making a story for ponepaste. Here's a draft for the beginning of it, I would appreciate any advice and or criticism to improve on it.Be Anon. Sitting on a bench in everfree park.Your buddy Norman told you someone wanted to talk to me after school. Bro didn't even specify who, just where to meet em. Hope it ain't a teacher, you're positive you did MOST of your assignments."Hello."Jumping, you turn to see an unfamiliar female standing next to you. Suppressing a bitch tier scream you respond cooly.>"H-Hi."She sits next to you on the bench looking you directly in the eyes, her face expressionless. Is this chick the one who wanted t-"Thank you for coming."Cool. She is. But now you're just wondering why?>"Norman said it was important. Not to be rude but do I know you?"Her eyes are still glued to you as she replies."No, we never met.">"Ok... Sooo, what's up?""I wish to be friends. Is that ok with you?"Chick is as blunt as a rock. How do you even respond to that? This has to be a prank. Right?>"Really? We don't even know each other.""I know you. Anon E. Mous: sophomore, average grades, likes beef bowls, pets stray cats, has one friend, a tendency to rub his wrist when stressed, only drinks soda with a straw-">"Are you a stalker?""No. I just notice things like that when your around me, it's part of the reason I asked you to come here."She looks looks away and begins fidgeting her hands. Looking at them you see a small grey object, she continues."The day I noticed you in the halls, something "clicked in the noodle" as my sister would say. I ignored it but whenever I happened to cross your path I would be struck with curiosity about you."Clutching her hands she looks you in the eyes again. You should feel uncomfortable but you can't help but listen."I started memorizing things you would do when you happened to be around me, and have nights where I couldn't keep you out of my mind. It made no sense. I've talked it over with my sister and she said to be your "BBBFF". I then asked Norman to tell you to come here so that I may tell you all of this."So she has an autistic fascination with you? How? On one hand it's flattering to be noticed but good god is this weird.>"So you just want to be friends?""Yes."This screams red flag. You should say no and run, but your "nice guy" side gets the better of you.>"Alright, fine. We can be friends."A small smile graces her face."My name is Maud Pie, thank you for being my first friend."Jesus Christ this is a BAD idea. Now you got some autistic chick attached to you. Fucking hell Norman. This is his fault now.>"I better head home, pretty sure mom is wondering where I am."Standing up you stretch out."Of course. I will see you tomorrow Anon."Nodding you start walking home, hope the weekend comes soon. Fishing out your phone you check the date. Monday.>"Fuck."
>>42973090>Your buddy Norman told you someone wanted to talk to me after schoolShould be: Your buddy Norman told you someone wanted to talk to you after school.>coolycoolly>when your around meyou're>She looks looks awayDouble looks.You do mention in her dialogue:>a tendency to rub his wrist when stressedwhich I think could maybe make a good joke or callback here since he's stressed.Otherwise, it's a good setup and I do like Maud's autistic fixation; you just need to nail the continuation. Not a Maud or EQG fag, but I think those who are will like it.
>>42973211Thanks, I fixed the grammar errors.
Part 2 is here since 4chan won't let me post it due to its size, again any advice and or criticisms are greatly appreciated. https://ponepaste.org/11691
>>42973211Anon, you fucked up too.>Your buddy, Norman, told you that someone wanted to talk to you after school.>>42973447>Be Anon. Sitting on a bench in everfree park."Be Anon, sitting on a bench in Everfree Park.">bitch tier scream"bitch-tier scream">Not to be rude but do I know you?"Not to be rude, but do I know you?">Looking at them you see a small grey object, she continues."Within them is a small gray object that you can't quite make out." Keep the 'she continues' if you want.>"clicked in the noodle"Should use single quotes like 'clicked like a noodle' instead. This goes for every quote inside of dialogue.This isn't everything, obviously, but get another Anon to proofread it when you're done and you should be good, OP.
>>42973468I forgot about single quotes, thank you. I'll also apply the other changes as well while I type the next part.
>>42973468>Anon, you fucked up too.>>Your buddy, Norman, told you that someone wanted to talk to you after school.No need for those commas, that is not incorrect but you don't need them. No need for "that" either. Personally, I prefer the original (Not OP's but the one that's corrected that you attempted to re-correct, of course it's subjective because neither his nor yours are "incorrect" but it is a bit rude to say he "fucked up", unless you're baiting or being ironic.
>>42973499Reverted it back, it did look off with the commas.
>>42973090Maudfren, you don't need to create a thread for every question or thing you do; this isn't Reddit (and I say that in a unironically friendly way, not as an insult)You should find the general thread that fits the topic and post thereThis would go either in a hypothetical Maud Thread, which doesn't exist right now in the catalog, or in Fingerbang since it's EQGYour question about marefair merch should go in /merch/ or in a mare fair threadAlso, if this is a greentext, you need to use the > in most of the text, not just in some dialogues, check other greentexts for reference
>>42973499Anon, you have to use commas when a name interrupts a sentence unless it implies you have multiple "buddies" which this green doesn't state. You don't write "Please Rainbow Dash close the door", do you?
>>42973561I miss /green/
have a bump
>>42973561>Your question about marefair merch should go in /merch/ or in a mare fair threadWhat is marefair? I never said anything about that.>Also, if this is a greentext, you need to use the > in most of the text, not just in some dialogues, check other greentexts for referenceThis isn't a green text, I just use > for whenever Anon speaks.
>>42974303>This isn't a green text, I just use > for whenever Anon speaksAnon, I...It's the opposite, you do > for everything else EXCEPT when Anon's speaking, or whoever is in second-person.Since it's not greentext I guess it doesn't matter, though.You do you.
>>42973561Seconding this guy. Fingerbang will read this for sure.Hell, I'll read it.>reads itOkay.Does whatever writing program you're using have spellcheck? I'd suggest using it if it does.Here's a mistake I found, I hope you see it too:"She probably means well! If it dosen't work out just let her off easy after the first date.">"I'm not gonna into her!"Well, I'll just say that "dosen't" is spelled wrong; and that the second line, Anon's dialogue, doesn't really make any sense, at least not to me.>"I'm not gonna into her."It's just weird. I think it's supposed to be a joke to what Norman said earlier on line 42 of the paste, about a girl being "into" Anon; but if that was supposed to be a joke, then I didn't get it at all when I was reading it, I was just confused by the line.Maud also talks a lot, which is a pet peeve of mine in fics. Maud speaks in short, concise sentences in the show; she gives very blunt answers to about 99% of the questions she's asked.So it kinda turns me off when she starts explaining all of her motivations with little to no push from Anon here:>"Are you a stalker?""No. I just notice things like that when your around me, it's part of the reason I asked you to come here.""The day I noticed you in the halls, something 'clicked in the noodle' as my sister would say. I ignored it but whenever I happened to cross your path I would be struck with curiosity about you.""I started memorizing things you would do when you happened to be around me, and have nights where I couldn't keep you out of my mind. It made no sense. I've talked it over with my sister and she said to be your "BBBFF". I then asked Norman to tell you to come here so that I may tell you all of this."She's not an open book like this. This feels more like the speech of an anxious character, someone that would try to over explain themselves and come off as awkward as a result; someone like Moon Dancer or Wallflower or even Twilight.I'm not going to say you write Maud out of character though, because that's not really true. She just talks too much imo. But you can work something like that into the fic too, by having a character comment on how strange something like that is for Maud.>"Wow! Maud sure talks a lot when she's around you," Pinkie says, as her eyes scan you from top to bottom. "So, what's your secret...?"And this isn't that important, but Norman is kind of boring too. I think Pinkie would work fine as Anon's reluctant wingman; trying to shack you up with one of her sisters seems like something Pinkie would do for one of her friends. She also has a lot more personality than Norman imo.>>42973595this is /green/ now, we're doing it live>billO'Reilly.png
>>42974319You're right about Maud being somewhat out of character, I just wanted to do a different spin on her. As for Norman he's just Norman, a plain bland guy.
>>42974303>What is marefair? I never said anything about thatOh sorry, I confused you with another maudflagger who made a post very similar to this one recently (similar in that they made a thread for something that didn't warrant its own thread when there are general threads for that, not a big deal anyway)>This isn't a green text, I just use > for whenever Anon speaks.I get it, although to be honest, the prose is definitely very similar to a greentextI mean, not only the second person, but also the short descriptive sentences that you could easily add a > to each one and it would be like any other greentextYou are free to choose your path tho, I simply thought your intention was to post a greentext
>>42973090Every line should be a greentext, only (your) sentences are not. Check out the Flutterrape writer's guide
>>42974378This isn't a green.
>>42974378>Flutterrape writer's guideI gotchu this time ophttps://ponepaste.org/1276
How often do you plan on updooting (writing more)Do pastes have rss or something so I can see when they get updates
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cYR8yLBXrE
>>42973090This is now a Maud thread
>>42974407It's updated consistently on my ponepaste but I will make a post when a part is complete.
>>42973447Cute
Part 3, I'm currently think of ideas for the next part.https://ponepaste.org/11691
>>42974862*thinkingI'm eepy
>>42974862>"Why would I hurt him? He's been quite nice to me these last five days. For example, on Thursday he treated me to lunch at Wendy's as well as desert after. He also gave me the spoon from his frosty when I accidentally dropped mine while walking back home together."wife
Mubumpo
Part 4, link is here.>>42974862
>>42975521Bump
Page 10 save.
Could you click the line number where the update starts from when you update so for someone who has already read it before, they click the link and go straight to the new parthttps://ponepaste.org/11691#207
>>42976349I didn't know you could do that, thank you!
>>42976844I just realized I clicked the above post instead of yours.
>>42973090Marble best pony/
>>42977463Hope you keep working on it, it's been a while since I read a good green man
>>42977463Working on it, writing is surprisingly hard.
>>42978034I fucking did it again what is wrong with me your post is RIGHT THERE
Small update, it's incomplete so consider it a part 4.7https://ponepaste.org/11691#210
>>42978494>She slides a paper cup to you with some cookies, a hot chocolate with your favorite. Oatmeal raisin.A patrician's choice. A recovery from that barbaric shoes in the bedroom behavior.
Now it is complete. Part 5 is live and kicking.Insomnia ftw>>42978494
Have a bump
>168 viewsThe pressure is on, I won't let you all down.
So, is it like a green or...
>>42979618keep going, maudfag. make our rock brethren proud.
>>42979621>>42974386bruh>>42979618Rock on at your own pace and keep your coal. A lot of the readers are probably illiterate/speedreaders anyways.
>>42980628Thank you
https://ponepaste.org/11691#280Part 5.5 a fragmentary passage
>>42982092>they/themWere all guys here bro.
5.5 is now part 6>>42980992
>>42983020great
up
Genuinely surprised to see the thread still up, I hope I'm not making you all wait too long for the next part!
>>42973090
https://ponepaste.org/11691#382Part 7
>>42984552she fessed!
why he vomited
>>42985144Stress is a hell of a drug
>>42984552good stuff
>>42986132
Im working on!
https://ponepaste.org/11691#441Part 8
>>42986943he fessed back!
>>42987500they threated her better than FIM
>>42987768>threatedWhat are the odds on whether Fleetfoot or Twist typed this?
>>42987934yes
>>42987500Isn't maud supposed to be older than Pinkie? Why did they make her so small
https://ponepaste.org/11691#514Part 7.5
Still not close to the end...
>>42990031take your time
>>42988912
>>42990424
>>42990857
>>42974318Oh, i thought in a green the green is all action and the regular text is dialogue
Love working on my fic while taking a shit on the company's dime.
>>42991675based
Part 7.5 has evolved into part 8!>>42989533
>>42987500
>>42993306Cute
Been rereading it and noticed some fuck ups, will be proofreading previous parts while I type the next.
>>42993847always double read. i sometimes missed whole sentences
>>42992289
up we go
nice
So far so good
https://ponepaste.org/11691#629The end.Not a long story, but I feel it's ok for my first time writing.
I'll be back with more stories of other girls, for other threads and generals. But I will come back to Maud someday.
>>42996175>>42996166thank you for your time and effort. pretty good for a first time
