>Going through my old backup hard drives>Find dozens of tracks of my old music >Listen back to it>Feel extreme overwhelming shame and self hatred>Delete everything>Had some on CDs, which I cut in half before throwing out just to make sure they could never be listened to again>One old laptop which I couldn't get into anymore, had most of my old music on it>Rip out the hard drive and drill holes in it before throwing it away>Must have looked like I was trying to hide some CP or something illegal but actually it was just my self loathing and obsessive compulsion to destroy my past selfDoes anyone else get like this? Why am I like this? It isn't even VERY bad like compared to other bullshit that was going on soundcloud back in those days. Some of it was actually kind of good and I still felt exactly the same about it as I did about the garbage shit. Just dumb pointless crap that I'm ashamed I put so much time into. How can artists go around unironically playing these songs they made 20 years earlier when they were a totally different person? Do they not hate their former selves?
The worst part is that some of it now exists outside of my control, like some got released on a small netlabel (don't take that to mean it was good, the guy was happy to release anything), and also got put on a small local radio playlist for shitty local music. I can track them down and ask them to remove it, but even that alone will give it more attention than it would otherwise get. Better just to let it sit and rot away, hopefully forgotten forever.
You're not the main character, bro. Someday you'll get that.
>>129827528Obviously I am the main and only important character in my own life.
>>129827565You'll understand when you grow up and get in a serious relationship and have kids. Then again you may just end up dying alone and a virgin
Can't tell if it's normal but it's definitely common. I deleted all my tracks multiple times, shredded all my drawings a few weeks ago, Francis Bacon and Cezanne destroyed hundreds of paintings, and otaku on pixiv and twitter routinely melt down and nuke everything. It doesn't matter as long as you keep at it. It wasn't going to exist for ever anyway.
>>129827308>Do they not hate their former selves?You are not that person, anymore. That guy did the best he could with what he knew at the time. He worked on shit so you could learn. Forgive him for what he didn't know and appreciate him for working on stuff while other people didn't even pursue something that meant something to them. I won't let anyone hear the first album I was on. Horrible. But there are tunes on there is that I like. I have piles of old shit that I have a hard time listening to. I STILL make songs that are horrific. Then trash them. If you don't listen to where you've been you have the possibility of repeating the bad stuff. And in all of that stuff there is a spark of something good... or you wouldn't have pursued it. It is a refining and building process.Another thing to consider is some of the most successful writers have written thousands of songs... and thrown out the majority of them for being crap. It's like so many things in life... chasing girls, fishing, bowling, golfing, etc. Most of the time you lose. But you aren't supposed to focus on the bad stuff. You go for the win. When somebody gets a Grammy award do they play the hundreds of bad songs the winner wrote before making a hit? Nope. It is about the good ones.
>>129827308based
>>129828420>shredded all my drawings a few weeks agoThis is what I don't really understand. Why do we feel compelled to destroy it? You can just throw them away, I didn't have to destroy the HD no one was going to ever look at it again. But I felt much happier when I knew it didn't exist anymore.It suggests some kind of weird neurosis but I can't quite describe what it is. >>129828532I wonder do people who have this compulsion ever reach a stage where they are genuinely happy with what they've done, even years after the fact? Or is this like a lifelong thing? Does this trait correlate more with some kind of tortured artist genius, or with fuckin losers who absolutely suck? Because I know a lot of fuckin losers who absolutely suck who think the mediocre shit they make is great. I also know a lot of people who are quite skilled and have made good work who absolutely shamelessly promote themselves as being great and talented because of it.
>>129827621Then I will be the main and most important character in their lives also.
>>129828892>I wonder do people who have this compulsion ever reach a stage where they are genuinely happy with what they've done, even years after the fact?Go watch some interviews. You will find both. But I am amazed to see how many enormously successful people are incredibly insecure and definitely tortured.
>>129827565>Obviously I am the main and only important character in my own life.True. Whoever came up with that "main character syndrome" bullshit is a whack job.
>>129827308Once I listened back to a tape of myself doing Elliott Smith songs on a four track when I was 16 and I only lasted about ten seconds before tapping out. I didn't destroy them, but I keep them in a locked safe
>>129827308>It isn't even VERY bad>Some of it was actually kind of goodYou sucked. If it was actually kind of good you wouldn't feel ashamed.
>>129829684The early stuff mostly sucked quite bad, at best some of it was good in some ways while deficient in others. As things progressed some of it became good, but I still hate to hear it and hate that it even exists. Hence why I got rid of it. I mean I will still make more music, but that's the point of this thread, it's irrational and contradictory and I wanted to see if others can relate to this.
>>129827308Tchaikovsky hated his music if that makes you feel any better. Maybe the best melodist of all time and he despised his work.
