Dealing with normies scares me. I must have developed a fear of talking to people after last term. Today was just like any other day. Sitting besides people I barely knew, trying to avoid eye contact and signs of interest, I suffered in the prison of my mind.They tried to make conversation with me, and I responded in kind, albeit without much grace, but none of the words coming out of my mouth indicated much interest. I'm used to responding to and making small talk, but I never seem to be able to have much more of a conversation past that. And much less am I able to just sit comfortably with a stranger. I don't think my mind thought rationally in that moment. If I could just wrest my mind under control in that moment, perhaps I could have thought of something to say. Perhaps I could have worked up the courage to try and get to know people better. The atmosphere didn't help. I sat alone yet surrounded by cliques chatting amongst themselves, reminding me of my loneliness. I took notice of the other lone students and they similarly seemed lost in their own worlds. They also reminded me that I am doing the right thing. Just keep avoiding people and focus on your studies and things will be alright...
I cummed out my wee wee hole and now my wee wee smells like came.
>>82454583you are a disgusting fucking human being
Of course that's not the right thing to do. I've spent so much time ruminating on how to make friends and keep them. What I should say and what I shouldn't. I kept replaying the failures in the past in my head. After all that time, all I could come up with was just to... give up? Is that all my life is?Certainly, things didn't go well last term. I'll never get over the fall of grace that I had socially. The embarrassments I made of myself trying to fit in. But my heart still yearns to make a friend. I don't want to sit there scared and alone every day. Time and time again, the thought of dying alone and friendless haunts me. There's too many signs that that will happen. I don't talk to anybody regularly, and I keep losing friends because things keep fizzling out. I don't feel close with anybody and I keep to myself most of the time.But if that's the future I'm faced with, then I might as well try to make a difference, right? There's nothing else for me to do.
I remember the times when I was more outgoing and would introduce myself to people. Made friends but never really got to know them... If I could do it before, there's no reason why I can't do it again. I think I'm just going to try to get to know people better. Ask them some questions about themselves. The basics. I need to try to forget the urge to try and fit in and act "normal." I'm not one of them, so trying to act like one of them isn't really an option, but I might as well try and get to know everyone's names.Sometimes I feel like a soldier marching forth into war, but luckily I'm not dealing with that. Not much of an excuse for me to cower in fear all the time.
