How is depressive mood in bipolar like
>>82889670sheer hell. i genuinely consider killing myself and often plan it out. i spend days laying in bed miserable and sleep for 3/4ths of the day
>>82889680Thanks for the input. I've personally dealt with depressive mood since i was like 10 but nothing to this extent
>>82889686yea i literally go window shopping for shotguns and call psych wards and considering admitting myself. only reason i dont is because it costs money, im worried it would prevent me from getting a gun and kms if i ever want to, and no vidya games (most important)
>>82889670imagine one day you feel slow. you think slow. you feel less emotions. almost certainly its been creeping up you just didnt notice.you push extra hard to seem normal at work and for friends and familyevery night for a week you feel slower and lessone day you dont wake up for your alarm, you miss work. you dont even call in. you sleep through your girls birthday. you just listen to music in bed and stare out the window. you think bad thoughts and spiral. nobody checks on you until you lost your job. its been 3 weeks. your girlfriend melts down on your anniversary when you somehow flipped a switch on this happy day, but her reaction resets you back to fog.you plan your own death, you eat less, some days you walk and walk and some you just sleep. its like hiking on a mountain ledge when a fog rolls in, it seems best to rest for a whileand rest for a whileand rest for a whileand rest for a whileone day you wake up at 6:30am with a rush of energy, and like magic youre back to normalits too lateyou cant fix the 3 month hole in your relationship and it endsyou cant get a job as easily without a positive reference since you fell off hardyou feel good, and somedays you are in a foul mood, but high energy againyou feel "normal"but you know that in a week, 7 months, 3 years, tomorrowyoull be hiking that mountain ledge, and the fog will roll inand youll stop to rest for a whileand rest for a whileand rest for a whileand the older you get you rationally know that one day, everyone who cares will be gone.no woman to live for, no friends waiting, no family alive or nearbyone day i will stop to rest for a while, and i will kiill myself, and sleep foreverMy entire life is built around structuring my days to not induce a state of>resting for a whileso that I constantly have to live to the max and be cognizant of my mental state I cannot afford to have an episode so bad it derails my life again
>>82889670Op is a macaco
>>82889670Usually it's hard for me to notice when it starts, it creeps in slowly and insidiously, it's like the joy of living is gradually being dialed down until everything starts to become grey and everything bad begins to hurt hurt more. Energy levels drop off, it's hard to motivate myself to do anything that doesn't affect my family or anything that's not immediately gratifying for me, even starting to play a new video game is hard because I don't care enough and I have other things I need to do so fuck it, I don't deserve it anyway. My sensitivity to anxiety triggers goes through the roof, but the anxiety itself is always mild. I can at some moments feel suicidal but I've learned to push those thoughts way, it's a clear alarm for me that I'm in a depressive episode and need to get my shit together until it passes. Mixed episodes with hypomania and depression at the same time are bad. You feel like shit and don't care about yourself, while at the same time you are reckless and you have burst of energy to act on your impulses. Turning to drugs as a way to cope is easy, but that's always the case during any phase of your illness. When it start going away it always kinda weird, you aren't sure if you are actually starting to feel better, if it's just a weight that's being lifted from your shoulders and letting you be more relaxed, if it's just temporary, or if you are catapulting straight into hypomania. As I write this I realize I've been in a depressive episode again for a while now. It is what it is.
>>82889670you lay down on the floor for weeks
>>82890694i fucking pray for hypomania. i cant keep living like this, the depression takes everything from me.
>>82889670You genuinely want to jump off a bridge like take the entire car and drive off but you can't because you're so out of energy.
