I HATE christmas

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>>83268501
>season's greetings anon!
hello, mister!
>how are you doing?
my penis stopped working ever since i started taking double dosage of SNRI pills. maybe it's a good change because i used to goon to hentai every day for hours.
>was last week difficult?
i humiliated myself (once again) by telling my psychiatrist that i was addicted to hentai and how hard it is for me to find a girlfriend.
>what do you wish to get for christmas?
nothing because i don't deserve anything.

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>>83268501
>was last week difficult?
the actual dinners (parents are divorced, so one for each side of the family) went okay. Then again my uncle died two days later. I should feel more from that but I was never close to him. Actually my dad sounded a bit dejected but not really sad like you'd expect someone to be when his brother dies. idk.

Christmas will be tougher, my mom's having her other ex-husband over, plus his two kids and four grandkids.

>what do you wish to get for christmas?
I keep telling both of my parents not to get me anything; there isn't anything I need. They deem that unacceptable, though, so I can expect to get a bottle of fancy liquor and some books from each of them

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>>83268716
oh okay :c
>>83268736
>ever since i started taking double dosage of SNRI pills
my most sincere condolences good sir. but yes perhaps it's a sign to tell you to stop zerking off before it's too late
>telling my psychiatrist
do they even ask you stuff that personal? or did you just felt like saying it for whatever reason?
>nothing
well same but i think we should both try and think of at least 1 think we'd like.
>>83268775
>my uncle died two days
oh im sorry to hear that anon. my condolences. if it makes you feel better when one of my relatives died i also didn't feel much. we weren't that close either, even though i did see them somewhat often, so i think it's normal for us to not just burst into tears at the knowledge of them passing.
>Christmas will be tougher
that does sound more like a drag, hopefully everything goes well anon. and the food is tasty.
>I keep telling both of my parents not to get me anything
humu, i do the same and i do it with my brothers too but eventually they still get me something like clothes and such. i dont dislike gifts and im always grateful anyway, but it kinda makes me feel bad since i can never reciprocate with anything.

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>>83268501
>season's greetings anon!
...

>how are you doing?
i want to die for multiple reasons
first and foremost is that i got only 4:30h sleep total today

>was last week difficult?
... you could say that
it is what it is, man

>good job for making it to december!
... p.. pa... d....
NO.

>what do you wish to get for christmas?
a hug from a certain someone would be nice.

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>>83268501
>season's greetings anon!
hii anon its finally jolley season! cold feet and moody weather ahead.
>how are you doing?
mostly like always now i think. i hope its not too terrible for you too.
>was last week difficult?
the first half was pretty nice but the other half not to much. i thought i had these bad moments under control by now but its not so easy in the moment i guess.
>what do you wish to get for christmas?
still no idea. everything i want i can buy with my minimal savings so there is no real need for anything. maybe some nice feels but that won't happen with how things are haha.

also from the last thread about some vidya being banned and stuff over here. the rules on what needs to be censored got a lot less strict but the general sentiment of hiding 'bad games' is still here so here is red tape now instead. Yes we have wolfenstein but it was censored too until said rule changes so we have the international version too now.

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>>83268999
nice jolly trips
>want to die for multiple reasons
oh. sorry to hear anone, even Christmas cant do much i fear. do you feel like sharing those reasons?
and why did you get so little sleep?
>p.. pa... d....
do it. say it. give in!!
>hug from a certain someone
hm, i see. a hug would help a lot of people i think. who is this someone if i may ask? i hope you get the hug though!
>>83269044
>finally jolley season!
yay! i can listen to Christmas music without being judged! (too much)
>mostly like always
better than worse hm. I've had a rough few days but im okay for now. jolly times are helping!
>not so much
mhm that sucks. are the causes of your unwellness the usual stuff? maybe bad thoughts creeping in? try to keep in mind they're temporary. and think of santa. if that helps...
>some nice feels
yeah sadly money can't buy happiness... im thinking about what i would like but everything feels like a waste of money. maybe some coupons for groceries would be nice. gosh im old...
>it was censored too
oh, i see. how would they even censor that considering the whole game is based on nazis I wonder.

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>>83269374
>i can listen to Christmas music without being judged!
hmm i thought you were emo? If anything you want to blast it during summer for maximum effect.
>I've had a rough few days but im okay for now. jolly times are helping!
nice to hear you recovered. this stuff is temporary like you said but argh it would be best to just never feel that bad why does it have to be this way? its so unfair..
>are the causes of your unwellness the usual stuff?
mostly if not entirely my head just being the way it is and wanting attention, self-induced meltdown basically.
were your rough days also caused by your brain trying to be funny if i might ask?
>im thinking about what i would like but everything feels like a waste of money
well if everything is 'wasted' and a 'bad option' why not just get the silliest or coolest thing you can? If you waste it then waste it good right?
>maybe some coupons for groceries would be nice
would you get the regular stuff or something you would otherwise not buy with your own money?
>how would they even censor that
by removing all bad symbols and stuff. if you want to laugh then know that a command&conquer game had its entire cast replaced with androids and robot voice filters because it would be too harming otherwise. you don't get that sort of stuff for years and most old games are getting unrestricted but the history is just funny.

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>>83269641
well and so what? just because i listen to a certain type of music it doesn't mean i cant like other types. I listen both to death metal and classical music too
>never feel that bad
sadly i think that's impossible. I don't know why we have to go through all this suffering, i just know it's unfair indeed. but what can you do anyway.
>self-induced meltdown basically.
mhm, i am very familiar with that indeed... it's okay to want attention anone, don't feel bad if you try and look for it. i know when i do i feel like im being a narcissist and it makes me hate myself, but i try to believe it's just natural to want attention
>caused by your brain trying to be funny
yeah, as usual. i kept thinking of what ifs and such... also by anxiety because of all the tests i have this week.
>the silliest or coolest thing you can?
well because it would still feel like a waste so not getting anything at all would be better... i guess i would like a bayonet knife or one that looks like a bayonet.
>get the regular stuff
i would buy some higher quality ingredients. so i can try making dishes that i usually cant make
>removing all bad symbols and stuff
ah, well the game would look kinda weird i assume. ah right also, how is the skull coming up?

>>83269374
>Christmas cant do much i fear.
aye, sadly
it's just my anxiety striking me again i suppose, future objectives and dreams intimidating me
the things i want are... eh, i feel small as an ant
>why did you get so little sleep?
i stayed up late, insomniacs will get insomnia

>give in!!
NO. I SHALL NOT.

>who is this someone if i may ask
the other blue planet in the solar system
shame that i won't get it and likely never will, lol

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>>83269785
>well and so what?
ah i think there is a misunderstanding. what i meant is like why care about being judged (or in this case less)? you are the one that told me not to dress like a npc and we had that corny talk about skulls and swords. i was joking and suggested you play Christmas music in the summer as trolling like that is sick and edgy.
>but what can you do anyway.
huff that hopium and don't care for a while. for all its faults there is still some fun to be had in life.
>it's okay to want attention anone
i meant my brain wanted attention although my posts do get all edgy when im like that thats true. it got up and played a clown to make me focus on it instead of whatever else i was doing at the time. that's a ESL moment right there. im not denying that im a little attentionfag sometimes however. we would stop spamming characters and be 100% anon otherwise
>i know when i do i feel like im being a narcissist and it makes me hate myself, but i try to believe it's just natural to want attention
let me sorta paraphrase what another anon told me; some people tanking terrible things and pretending like its nothing does not make your problems invalid or meaningless.
And i want to add that while you should try to keep your act together you also shouldn't blame yourself for a moment of weakness. Shit is fucked and constant whining won't fix things but that doesn't mean you cant cry if you understand.
>yeah, as usual. i kept thinking of what ifs and such
yeah basically what was happening to me. its all too understandable. don't let the guilt ruin your days after those episodes end anone.
>also by anxiety because of all the tests i have this week.
you can beat the odds. those tests won't hold you back for long and even if you are still hopeless look forward for the moment when you hand them in regardless of outcome. its done, its out of control now, you can relax.

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>>83270020

[cont.]
>well because it would still feel like a waste so not getting anything at all would be better
then hoard your money and let the cookie clicker effect do its magic. I sorta like seeing my money and knowing that its a little old now (6 months).
>i guess i would like a bayonet knife or one that looks like a bayonet.
good idea. I kinda want a german one but i forgot its name like always. oh but before that the guitar body.
>so i can try making dishes that i usually cant make
good idea. doing new cool stuff never hurts.
>ah right also, how is the skull coming up?
i didn't touch it since last time we talked but it works as you know. I can draw up the schematics and post the code if you want to make one yourself. Had to compromise and use a simpler, non-wifi board but that only makes it easier to replicate.

>>83270063
accidental spoiler

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>>83269816
>anxiety striking me again
humu i see. i hope it passes soon anon. try to always focus on the present, everything else technically doesn't exist anymore (or yet) so it can't hurt you!
>insomniacs will get insomnia
ah, tell me about it...
>NO
what's so bad about padoru??
>the other blue planet
hmm, very curious.
>>83270020
>picrel
lole very relatable horse.
>why care about being judged
oh i was just kidding anon. i dont listen to Christmas songs outside of December simply for a principle i have. they feel out of season and if i always listened to them then they wouldn't feel as special anymore
>still some fun
beer!!
>that im a little attentionfag
that's okay we all deserve some attention! and i only post tao because she's cute and has to be shared with the world wide web obviously.
>does not make your problems invalid
yeah desu, sometimes its better to just ignore everything and pretend its all okay, but we're just humans and we still need some comfort from others.
>don't let the guilt ruin your day
ah i wish i could. but i really cant. the sense of guilt is so overbearing it takes over anything good that might be happening.
>the moment when you hand them in
yeah i tend to do that. though sometimes it works against me because i want to get them out of the way asap and so i make dumb mistakes or straight up not even care about passing.
>>83270063
>like seeing my money and knowing that its a little old
sadly i have a "money not spent is money wasted" kind of mindset so i usually run out pretty quick... what's left now is for food
>the guitar body
ah right! quite literally self made guitarist. or uh whatever that other instrument name was + ist.
>but it works as you know
nice desu! may i see it? doesn't have to be in action, just a picture will suffice. also i sadly dont have any spare skulls lying around so i can't make one myself.

>>83270586
>everything else technically doesn't exist anymore (or yet) so it can't hurt you!
that's the problem, anon
they're things i want to do, places i want to go, people i wanna see, yet i'm still stuck here, lol
i feel like a male karlach at this point because i want to feel the warmth of people but i can't because hellfire still burns strong in my chest and around me
fuck my life, man
i just hope i don't fucking disintegrate sooner than later

>what's so bad about padoru??
it's NOT for me
!!

>very curious.
how so?

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>>83270586
>beer!!
thats the spirit. im mixing up some drinks as we speak. First day of internship needs to be celebrated! Although i have been 'celebrating' the entirety of last week already...
>has to be shared with the world wide web obviously.
true true, same goes for neuro fr
>the sense of guilt is so overbearing it takes over anything good that might be happening.
I'd be lying if i don't struggle with that too but you really need to be a little bit less shameless sometimes. You said you found that pic relatable but being that way is sorta unavoidable for the time being so sorta embrace being that way internally and it will be easier. its probably some form of escapism but i dunno how i would go about without dismissing this sort of stuff and maybe you can learn something.
>because i want to get them out of the way asap and so i make dumb mistakes or straight up not even care
there is some good in this maybe. as the year progresses the pressure mounts and you naturally slow down to be more careful but if you are used to writing fast you get a lot more output than if you were taking your sweet time from the beginning. think of it that way. Do your best without overthinking and wasting time and it will sorta work out i think.
>ah right! quite literally self made guitarist. or uh whatever that other instrument name was + ist.
well not yet. parts are on their way and im starting small for now anyways.
>nice desu! may i see it?
At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within my kitchen?
Sure.

>>83268501
I just want some units of money for this christmas. i'm swerving through time, it's been too quick for christmas but afterall, it's christmas

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>>83268501
Merry Christmas, and God bless HuTao anon.

I hope you're enjoying the season. How have you been?

>was last week difficult
Yes. For no particular reason I was feeling really down and I have had trouble sleeping the last week or so. Also kept skipping the gym. I have decided I'm going back this week in spite of feeling like crap.

>what do you wish to get
Ain't wished for much, honestly. I done bought a new computer that will be here in two-ish weeks and I got a week off work for the holiday that I can spend with my kid.

I wish I had made it into the PD but that ship sailed. Sometimes I think about wishing for a girlfriend/wife but that went terribly last time so I kinda just wish I didn't have a desire for it.

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>>83270819
>things i want to do
and you'll get to do those, in time. perhaps it sucks now but you know, this hellfire you're feeling won't last forever! hopefully you get to do those things before disintegrating.
>it's NOT for me
uh huh...
>how so?
well it's kind of vague. you mean neptune? or you mean water? or a person?
>>83270849
>First day of internship
rightfully so! i was thinking of drinking too recently but i somehow resisted each time. how did the first day go though?
>so sorta embrace being that way
im trying. it's really difficult to accept that im just defective. that i won't experience some things. perhaps that i'll just have to suffer more than everyone else.
>think of it that way
mhm... i wish i could see things more positively. finding flaws in anything is my speciality. wasting time is aswell.
>entirely within my kitchen?
Yes. it looks great also! bit more yellow than i expected. but perhaps you can paint it or something! definetly looks like a servo skull with all that tech attached. good job!
>>83270943
perhaps if you ask nicely money shall descend from the heavens. or grow on trees. nevertheless i hope you have a good christmas!
>>83271032
thank you anon! i am enjoying it so far. tis the best season. after halloween. i've been uh, fine i suppose. i aint got much to say. life is pretty stale
>>83271032
>I'm going back
good! its not about how many times you fall down but how many times you get up. hopefully going to the gym and being tired will help you sleep too
>new computer
great desu. is it a really techy one? like huge gpu n stuff. and nice to hear you'll be able to spend time with your kid during the holidays too. i think it's really important for them to bond and everything! i hope you'll have fun.
>made it into the PD
when a door closes, another one opens... i think...
>wishing for a girlfriend/wife
yeah well i can relate anon. though im starting to lose hope. i can't say you'll find someone better but, perhaps the risk is word the reward.

>>83271146
>life is pretty stale
Fair, I feel that way often. At least it's not bad for the moment.

>hopefully going to the gym and being tired will help you sleep too
Sweet Jesus I hope so.

>is it a really techy one?
I think so. I had my friend that has a functional frontal lobe (unlike me) help me pick the parts. Now I gotta build it without fucking up. From what I remember
>16 GB VRAM
>32 GB DDR4 RAM
>8 Core processor
>2TB SSD, 10 TB Hard drive

>important for them to bond and everything
Absolutely. Can't wait to see him open his presents.

>another one opens
Well I wish I could figure out where the open door is. Or if it exists. Regardless I'll be reapplying. Twelfth time's the charm, right?

>starting to lose hope
Me too. Had a girl I think I was crushing on but we've barley talked this week. Probably for the better, anyhow, hopefully the feeling fades and I don't drop my spaghetti in front of her.

I do hope you find someone though. You seem like a chill guy and I think there's a girl somewhere you could make really happy.

>>83271146
>you'll get to do those, in time.
i wish, i hope you're right on that.
but idk it feel like such a far-fetched dream thay i don't put my hopes up.
>hopefully you get to do those things before disintegrating.
yeah... maybe
i dunno anon everything just feels so bleak when i think about it, lots of problems i have no solution for, some of which seem insurmountable
i put on a brave face and say things will be fine, that answers will come and so will opportunities, but i just don't feel it, you know?

>uh huh...
really. i mean it.
i'm done with these silly times. for real.

>kind of vague.
i thought that was obvious enough, actually
>you mean neptune?
yes
>or you mean water?
getting hugged by water doesn't feel that great... not unless you're in the shower or bath
>or a person?
yes

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>>83271146
>i was thinking of drinking too recently but i somehow resisted each time.
stick to your goals. don't let me break them.
>how did the first day go though?
interestingly i guess. its a very small department so everybody knows everybody very well to the point of cracking jokes that would cause HR in any other place to freak out. Its a very friendly team but the problem is sorta me sadly. Its repetitive and satisfying work but without meds its really hard to do long term. That and i get home sorta late which is a real bummer.
>it's really difficult to accept that im just defective
well in that case you have standards. Go the other way and chase them, don't be satisfied with this miserable standard!
>finding flaws in anything is my speciality. wasting time is aswell.
well finding flaws is really good if you want to get good grades in tests and i believe that you can finish those in time! Good luck.
>but perhaps you can paint it or something! definetly looks like a servo skull with all that tech attached. good job!
Thanks. Painting smooth plastic sounds like gell although i thought about making some 40k style thingies to glue on. Gotta get to it first tho and im on another project for now. Btw how is your guitar doing?

>>83268501
Hi Anon! Ughhhhh I can't believe I missed a thread again, same mistake as last time I woke up and went back to bed because I thought there's nothing to do anyway. I hate myself so much. Ughhhh I just can't get over it for some reason how could I miss 6 hours of Taonon time guhhhhhhhhh I missed you so much and wanted to talk to you soooo much all day yesterday Anonny and yet I missed out on a chance to do just that... I even had the thought you might post something today or tomorrow since you didn't make a thread on Sunday but still didn't check, blegh. Why didn't you post one yesterday anyway? Did you go out to somewhere? And today as well mayhaps? I'm glad you're doing okay enough to post a thread desu.

>how are you doing?
Like shit, I want to die. Yesterday was horrific, I don't even know why but everything was just so intolerable to me I barely made it through the day. Today is not off to a good start because I missed my bus and now I have to take a taxi to work but whatever I guess. It would have been nice if there was a thread I could talk in in the morning to vent my feelings but no I chose to sleep instead... Oh well I guess I just never learn.

>last week
Yeah last week was pretty shit too. Every week for a while now has been. I hate work and I hate myself for being so pathetic that I can't even overcome the urge to lie in bed all the time.

>good job for making it to december!
Thanks I guess.. December already though, time sure flies.

>what do you wish to get
Nothing really.. I already ordered something stupid for myself anyway but it's not for Christmas just a regular purchase. Maybe I should have waited and made it into a Christmas thing? Do you think that's a good idea, to try to make holidays special for yourself like that?
And for some reason I feel scared to ask, but is there anything you want for Christmas Anonny?

Also jeez re-reading this it's pretty whiny, sorry about that. I guess I'm not feeling the holiday spirit today...

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>>83271228
>At least it's not bad for the moment.
yeah. i need to try and be more grateful for moments of relative peace.
>I think so
im sure your frontal lobe is just fine! and from the parts description that is quite the pc. im pretty sure it should be able to run most modern games. are you planning on playing anything new?
>open his presents
ah how i miss being excited to open them.
>Twelfth time's the charm
there's no eleventh without twelfth as they say here. well kind of. but uh yes! you miss every shot you dont take anyway.
>Had a girl I think I was crushing on
heheh. i know i was right. but i suppose you'll only be able to tell if its something a bit deeper than that if the feelings fade or not. if they don't then it means it's something more. at least from my experience.
>I do hope you find someone
thanks anon. i dearly hope so too. this world is too cold and cruel for me to live in it alone.
>>83271269
>far-fetched dream
well, dreams are dreams for a reason. they dont have to stay dreams, that depends on you and on your luck. but don't give up!
>feels so bleak
i know, i know. i am the same. it's difficult not to see things that way. but really, letting yourself go won't make you feel any better. not having any hope won't make you feel any better. i think it's best to fake it till you make it.
>i'm done with these silly times
okay...
>yes
well i haven't met a single person who'se name is nepture before... maybe im just dense.
>>83271291
>don't let me break them
worry not! no one but myself can disappoint me.
>Its a very friendly team
that's great anon! honestly i think it's one of the most important parts. not having to be around obnoxious people all day really helps work be more tolerable. i hope you can get your meds soon so that you'll be okay! sigh. i wish i could have something for my adhd. life is such hell right now without it.
>Go the other way
i have been doing that, but smart people know when it's time to give up. guess i aint one of em.

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>>83271291
>flaws is really good if you want to get good grades
i guess so, sadly it also means i am never satisfied with anything and i always feel like i could've done better. today's test didn't really go well. ughhhhh.
>Painting smooth plastic sounds like gell
yeah fair i suppose. i like the idea of gluing some stuff to it! or you could cover it in black tape or something like that to change the colour.
>Btw how is your guitar doing?
my guitar? i haven't had the time to play recently. im just playing some riffs and songs whenever i can but i haven't done anything new.
>>83271302
with all this missing out surely you're going to learn your lesson some day and get up earlier desu. i didn't post yesterday because i was kinda busy and in a shit mood. today i have been out to eat with my brother and my mom, and he bought me a pair of baggy jeans.
>Like shit, I want to die
i hope you feel better soon anone. why was yesterday so bad? did something happen at work? sucks that you missed the bus today. you ever been on a taxi before?
>can't even overcome the urge to lie in bed all the time
it's uhm, a work in progress! sorry that i forced you to get a job, i really thought it would help at least a bit...
>time sure flies
that it does. that it does...
>ordered something stupid
oh, what is it? i do think it's a good idea to make holiday special stuff. i guess it makes things feel more unique! and less boring.
>anything you want
uh... i have been thinking about it for a while but everything seems like a waste of money. i suppose, i would really like a bayonet knife though. those with a wide blade. what about you?
>I guess I'm not feeling the holiday spirit today...
i know exactly what you need! christmas songs.

>>83271542
>planning on playing anything new?
Not in particular. Mostly just want to play the stuff I already have one high settings. And for Grayzone Warfare to stop stuttering.

>miss every shot you dont take anyway.
True, but taking a shot at the wrong target can cause more issues than not firing at all.

>know i was right.
Quiet, you

>if they don't then it means it's something more
God I hope not. I don't want to like anyone. I want to die alone.

>too cold and cruel
Find warmth and comfort where you can. Just don't cling to hard to it. Sometimes it's best to let go and look for the next thing, which is a lesson I took too long to learn.

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>>83271542
>no one but myself can disappoint me.
that's a sort of unbreakable spirit in a way.
>i wish i could have something for my adhd
with how fast you got your sleeping pills im sure you won't have a lot of trouble. especially since you seem to be better than i am at navigating this stuff and even i got them. i wish you the best. they really change a lot for the better. You will get there eventually, have hope! >but smart people know when it's time to give up. guess i aint one of em.
but that's good. not settling for bad stuff is good duh. its not easy but you made it this far right?
>today's test didn't really go well. ughhhhh.
two more to go! you can make em good. I wish you the best, again.
>or you could cover it in black tape or something like that to change the colour.
or... cults3d.com/en/3d-model/game/servitor-skull-security-camera-servitor-skull
>im just playing some riffs and songs whenever i can but i haven't done anything new.
you don't need to do new stuff all the time of course. doing drills and maintaining what you have is very good also. You sorta have tests to worry about too right now but have some fun still ok?

>>83271302
Oh hiiii. Is it fine if i acknowledge you again :3


Good night guys. Gotta pretend like i have a job for a while now. Sleep well.

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>>83271608
>play the stuff I already have one high settings
understandable. once i got my current pc some years ago and was able to play my favourite games at more than 20 fps it felt pretty damn good
>can cause more issues than not firing at all
i suppose, but what is life without a little risk?
>Quiet, you
heheheh.
>I don't want to like anyone. I want to die alone.
well i can't blame you considering the experiences you've had, but it just seems really sad. so i can't help but hope one day you wont have to die alone.
>to let go and look for the next thing
yeah. i know, i've had to let go too, and it really wasn't fun.
>>83271629
>sort of unbreakable spirit in a way.
stand unshaken in a crashing world!
>better than i am at navigating this stuff
huh, really? dunno how. im not sure getting actual meds is gonna be as easy. but yeah, i made this far, i can try a little harder!
>or...
woah!!! that looks so cool!! if you actually make it i wanna see!
>doing drills and maintaining what you have is very good also
well i barely do that i just play what i feel like playing... i've never done many drills if not just initially when i started playing. but yeah ill try to have fun desu.
good night anon! i hope work is going to be okay for you tomorrow

>>83271544
>learn your lesson
One would hope... I seem to learn it and then forget it again a few days later.. it's so easy to just convince yourself there's nothing better to do than sleep anyway... I mean, sleep really is one of the best things in life, as they say it's like being dead without actually being dead.

>was kind of busy
Oh, what were you doing? I hope you managed to get some studying in, though it seems like it didn't make all that much of a difference anyway...
It's really nice that you got to go out today at least, always good to do do something on the weekend. Was it enjoyable or are you too awkward around your family for that? Was the food good at least? I imagine if nothing else you always can appreciate a good pair of baggy jeans, did you guys pick them out together?

>feel better
Already do thanks to the thread! But now I feel nauseous from typing while in the car... apparently I'm fine on busses now but in cars I still have to look out the window to not feel sick.

>at work
Yeah, I got another writeup for marking off medications incorrectly in the tracker thing, it was a stupid mistake but whatever I guess. The main issue is just that I really feel more and more unfit for this job, which isn't good considering you'd think it would get better with time not worse. My AvPD if I have that prevents me from doing so many things I need to do for this job, so I'm basically skating by not doing what I'm supposed to and hoping they don't fire me, but this gives me tons of anxiety. I was counting down the seconds till my shift ended yesterday because I was so anxious they'd ask in the work chat to post pictures of the rooms we cleaned like they sometimes do (and I did not clean it because I was too afraid to ask for keys to the closet with cleaning supplies). Also had to restrain a kid who was trying to beat up another kid, and call the manager and she was basically like "Why do i pay you guys if you can't even deescalate a conflict like that".

Cont.

>ever been on a taxi
Yeah, fair number of times. It's a but anxiety inducing but not too bad as long as the driver doesn't try to talk to you too much. But I definitely prefer the bus, especially because of how much cheaper it is.

>sorry that i forced you to get a job
Ah don't be sorry Anon!!!! You encouraged me not forced me, as well. I am still thankful you did so because even though I hate it I do kind of need a job, there isn't rslly any other option. And I think you're right that I should try to stick with it and not get fired if I can. But huh, you thought it would help? How...

>what is it?
It's a laptop lole. So I can shiddpost on the bus and at work when there's downtime. But I feel like I don't deserve it since I'm already doing such a bad job at work, I shouldn't be buying distractions for myself... plus I'll probably get fired before it even arrives.

>makes things feel more unique
Mm does it? Maybe I should try it... I always just assume it won't feel any different from buying something on any other day.

>waste of money
Sure, but there are stillnthings you want? That's good if so. I just don't want much in the first place, and it being a waste is more of a secondary concern. I saw now that you want a bayonet knife, that's a pretty cool gift idea! You could probably get several different ones even, to add to the collection.

>what about you?
I guess in terms of material things all I can think of is anime figures or posters or something. But you know how I can't really display those, so it would really be a waste.

>Christmas songs
You know, maybe. Though I doubt they'd change my mood very much...

>>83271975
>more than 20 fps
My man is living THE DREAM

>what is life without a little risk?
Indeed. Been trying to take more (controlled) risks lately and it's worked out well. Mostly. There was the time I broke my leg.

>can't help but hope one day you wont have to die alone
I just can't imagine a relationship where I don't hurt her and she doesn't hurt me, you know? And I get it, we have to take risks. But fuck man, I'm tired.

Not to mention that even trying to get one off the ground looks impossible because I have no self-confidence and am a father

>really wasn't fun.
I'm sorry, man. I don't wish that shit on anyone.

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>>83272153
>I mean, sleep really is one of the best things in life
i mean you do have a point there. being unconscious is awesome. but, do you prefer to be asleep or to be talking with me? ask yourself that everytime you're about to get back to bed!
>what were you doing?
mostly being the DM for my campaign and trying to study.
>on the weekend
it's monday, anon... it was fine but im always awkward around family. i never know what to say or what to do. the food was okay. nothing fancy. i picked the jeans, and he didnt even like em much lole. millennials and their obsession with skinny jeans, baka.
>nauseous from typing while in the car
ah! i feel that way too. dont puke anon!
>I got another writeup
that sucks... you gotta try to be more careful anon. i know it doesnt seem like it right now, but i believe you will get better if you keep trying to work this job. it's really hard, i know! but really, experiencing hardships is the only way we have to get better. trust the process anon!
>counting down the seconds till my shift ended
been there, done that. perhaps, next time you're too scared to ask for something, try to imagine how anxious you'll feel if you dont do it. that way you'll get more motivation to do the thing so that you wont feel anxious
>fair number of times
i see. i've only been in one once with my friend back where they live. thankfully they kept talking with the driver the entire time so i could just sit there silently.
>laptop
you do deserve it, what do you mean?! you've lasted this long and tried really hard to get this job and go to it! also you've been saying you'll get fired for the last 2 weeks and it hasnt happened yet, so...
>still things you want?
well yes, but not without feeling some guilt after receiving them. also i mostly want it for a cosplay i want to do, so meh im not too interesting in having multiple of the same type. though different type of knives, sure!
>I can't really display those
you could hide them when they visit...

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>>83272171
>living THE DREAM
hell yeah. i've come a long way from playing on a shitty laptop that overheated every 2 seconds.
>There was the time I broke my leg.
oh dear. what did you do? a backflip?
>you know?
i do, yes. i also feel that way, i dont think im capable of having a normal relationship. i suppose, there's no rush in finding someone for you now as long as you're okay. im just trying to tell you to not give up the idea completely.
>I'm sorry, man
it's okay. it's nothing compared to what you had to go through, but it still stings when the memories occasionally come back in mind.


today was so tiring so i think i'll go to bed now. thank you everyone for talking with me! have jolly holidays and a great rest of the week! here's one of my favourites for the season
https://youtu.be/SnMzG29YX9w

I want to kill myself. I got nothing in common with anyone and as a result i will always be alone and friendless

>>83272295
>what did you do?
Thought I told you about that one. Was practicing BJJ with a buddy of mine and he executed the move funny and I tried to escape wrong. Shattered my leg in three places and tore a tendon.

I'm bak to running, rolling, and jumping but now I'm full of metal.

>long as you're okay.
Man I don't know if I'm okay. I think I am for now but I also know I'm fucking lonely.

>give up the idea completely.
But giving up looks so easy though

>nothing compared to what you had to go through
Trying to weigh traumas is pointless. The fact is that you were hurt, and I'm sorry it happened.

Have a good night man, I'll see you around