I messed up my sleep cycle again, I should be asleep for work. But I have too much energy.
I know I've been doing bad.

I like winter just hate all the christmas music. Might take an extra day off.

>>83412790
Christmas is gonna be shit. Nobody feels like it, it's all hollow liberal larping. I'm just gonna shitpost like I always do. Fuck whites and their dead holidays.

We should stop celebrating christmas because its a waste of money and nobody can afford this shit anymore. hallmark needs to go bankrupt because selling pictures/cards of good tidings has become a humiliation ritual now a days.

>>83412790
how are you doing actually? you seemed disillusioned yesterday and I was worried about you honestly. did something happen?

i just want to say that your threads are a shining beacon on this board. you're really important here, you know... and one of the few few reasons this shithole is ever worth coming back to.

Guess OP abandoned before really getting started.

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>>83412797
did something happen that keeps you up or is just energy overload? i guess maybe you could try and do something tiring before bed. though im not the right person to ask about advice on how to sleep i fear.
>>83412852
whats so bad about christmas music...?
>>83412883
i wont deny that sadly most modern "holidays" have been turned into a capitalist scheme to make people waste money, but i also like to believe that there's some genuine care and thought put into gifting things to someone else.
>>83412891
no need to stop celebrating it, but rather stop expecting others to buy gifts for everyone. it shouldn't be something one feels like they're forced to do, it takes all the genuine good will out of the act of doing it.
>>83412893
oh im fine i guess. dont worry about me anon. nothing happened, i just tend to fall into bad spirals when i dont have the energy to fight the bad thoughts anymore. and thank you, im glad my threads can help!
>>83412940
gimme me some time to answer anon sheesh

>>83412981
>but i also like to believe that there's some genuine care and thought put into gifting things to someone else.
Most people hate each other now so gifting barely even happens anymore. I haven't seen my relatives in years and the ones I do see aren't giving me anything. I don't feel like giving them anything so it's all just dead. Putting up the christmas tree has just become routine but not something people still actually care about.

>>83412790
Hi Anonny!!!!! I'm... doing awful... Anon are you okay?? Why haven't you been online? You have been the only thing on my mind past couple days Anonny... can you pleasee talk to me? I miss you so much, it's horrible... Please don't tell me you're trying to get me to dis-attach again... I really hope you feel better soon and return to normal! And remember, you don't need to be your best self around me, even if you are kind of colder than usual, I don't mind! I won't hate you for it, and you won't hurt me with it!

>>83412981
>oh im fine i guess
no you're not.. don't be so resistant to opening yourself as well, you can't just be expected to bear this forever.
i know that accepting kindness feels like a transgression of your morals, but a camel who refuses to drink from an oasis because the plants in it might wilt only has one fate in its story. you really need this, if only to be able to treat others as well.

besides, i want to help you too!
so, if that inspires any confidence, i'd like to hear your troubles, please :>

"Man must show compassion to other but also give consideration to himself."

-Sigmund Freud

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>>83413006
i know, though it is easy to generalize things. i once again dont deny that christmas now it's not what it used to be, but it also doesn't mean that we (individuals) shouldnt at least try and keep the original spirit alive. will it change anything? probably not. but what have we got to lose anyway. even if getting excited to put up a tree in your living room seems childish and stupid, i think we should still try and be excited for christmas. if not for the spirit of it then because its a pretty tree in your living room.
>>83413025
sorry, im fine. i just, need some time by myself from time to time. i know you've said that i can tell you, but it's still kind of difficult for me to do so... and i dont want to be colder. id rather not talk at all.
>>83413089
by my standards, i am fine. not getting constantly assaulted by intrusive thoughts and managing to stay distracted is "fine".
i do appreciate your worries for me, i do. but like i've said many times before, nothing you, or anyone else can say, is going to help. at least, not in a tangible way. comforting words can only do so much, and as much as i treasure those, they can be compared to a puddle of water, in an infinitely big, arid desert. my troubles haven't changed either. uhm, i hope my metaphor didnt sound rude. im not trying to shoo you or anyone else away. but i'd rather talk about happy things.
>>83413131
thanks mister freud, but i have no idea how to do that

>>83413224
>i just, need some time by myself from time to time.
Ah, okay, thank you so much for replying Anonny! And sorry I'm freaking out again Anon... please, please don't feel guilty about this, it's not your fault my brain is like this. I just couldn't keep the thought away that you might be trying to get me to dis-attach again, and that you won't come back ever... I'm sorry Anon.

>it's still kind of difficult for me to do so...
That's okay Anon! Thank you for trying. It's fine if you can't do it, hopefully next time I can handle this better. And sorry I had to sully your thread with this again... I'll try to be more patient.

> i dont want to be colder. id rather not talk at all.
I see... I'm sorry if I'm being persistent, but may I ask why? I understand you prefer to be cheerful and bubbly, but I just feel like it's important for you to realize that even in your low moments you are okay and you don't need to hide yourself away. It's selfish of me but I want to show you that it's fine and won't hurt me or make me hate you... I know that's a lot to ask for though so feel free to ignore this part if you'd rather not talk about it. But I just wanted to tell you this again Anonny both because I'm selfish and also because you deserve to be accepted wholly as you are, and to not have to hide parts of yourself away. You are loveable, as you are!

I'll try to make the next post about something else, sorry I'm still on this stupid topic Anon... sorry it's just really important for me, I hope it doesn't make you feel worse though...

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>>83412790
>hi anon
good evening
>are you feeling well? whats on your mind?
just a little headache. problem is that i have nothing to drown it out with this time :(

dunno about christmas presents or celebrating it in general. there isn't the mood required to do so in this household. haven't heard anyone talk about getting a Christmas tree also. But seeing these jolly threads does up the mood a bit so thanks.

I know there's sad stuff and.. stuff but know that im rooting for you. Everythin' will be fine and we will all enjoy jolly season! you are doing great too!

i know i asked you this once already but what do you want for Christmas?

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I woke up at 5pm yesterday and now it's 11:30am and I haven't slept and now I'm trying to read Hegel's Phenomenology of Spirit and honestly this fucker is kicking my ass. Anyways, merry christmas bros. I have not bought any presents because I am a NEET but one of my friends is apparently sending me something.
coffee time.

>>83413224
>i think we should still try and be excited for christmas
I guess. We've been celebrating the winter solstice for thousands of years so I do think we should keep trying. But it's not looking good, I can tell you that.

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Every time i post here i feel like i preface it saying im not in these threads much but in this case idk what you're up to anon but i hope things will be ok for you. The anonymous drunk respite in these threads has been pretty nice to me every so often since my boyfriend dumped me and im in no position to advise you but if you wanna talk to someone elsewhere i think of all the anons on this board youre probably among the ones people would be most willing to connect with. I would say myself included but im such an avoidant retard that it would be irresponsible of me to offer anything like that upfront
Maybe im just in a different kind of mood than usual tonight but i hope you dont weigh yourself down with more things or people than you can handle and do your best not to overestimate how much you can take if you are indeed burdening yourself with stuff
Just so its not just me prying into your life: today i woke up to an awful nightmare of him and instantly broke down. He had got in bed just a bit before then and i could tell he was talking to his new gf but i still felt so vulnerable i wrote a wall of text to him about my dreams of him the last couple of nights and how stressed i am that everything i see feels like its beating me down. He responded by telling me that whatever i think was happening regarding him that was making me upset wasnt true which feels like the most consideration that ive received since he left me (though i know i cant trust my interpretation of what he couldve meant since it was very vague, im not his anymore and in all likelihood he has no qualms lying to me now)
Feel free to ignore this latter rambling, as always its just me dumping how my stupid broken relationship is going because its too embarrassing to share how cucked i am with any of my "friends"

>>83412790
hello, hu tao anon
>are you feeling well?
yeah, surprisingly
things have been getting quite well and i love being where i am now, things can improve but they're on track

>whats on your mind?
no thoughts, head empty
but i guess i'm curious too, i hope life's been treating you better but i gotta ask anyway
how have you been?

>have you bought any presents? or received any?
i bought a bunch of stuff for nep and sent it all in a package, incluing a letter and a pair of handmde necklaces and a bunch of snacks lol
i think that counts

>you're doing great yknow.
i hope you are, anon
i must reiterate how proud i really am of you, how much i admire your bravery
even through this storm going on in your life, you still shelter all of these anons through it, you talk to them, you try to help and encourage
one day i hope i can be like this, you're real sweet, hu tao anon

take good care of yourself too, wouldn't want a good soul like yours to get crushed by the weight of your own problems
not many out there would listen or interact with anons the way you do

>>83412790
>you feeling well?
Ups and downs, as per usual. Really need to get back to the gym but I've been lazy as Hell this week.

>whats on your mind?
Man, some shit. I ended up jumping the gun and messaging that girl way before I was going to. Asked if I did something to upset her. She apologized and said she had been drunk pretty much the entire time she'd ghosted me. Tried to ask if she was alright and got no response.

So uh... frustrated and worried.

>bought any presents?
Nah, I'm planning to either tomorrow or Friday. Gotta get stuff for my Ma and my boy.

>doing great
I think... I am certainly doing.

Anyways, how you been brother? Winter treating you well so far?

>>83412790
I've never been more miserable, anon. But I appreciate you asking.

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>>83413454
ah, i read some of your poetry the other day, a short while ago. i don't really have anything to contribute, other than well, i hope you're alright and that you do get thought about in the passing by other anons. unless you're not the furina anon, at which point, this is really embarrassing to walk out of the shadows like this to a stranger.

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>>83413306
hm, its okay. we both can do better i suppose. still i have my faults too, and if i didnt feel bad about them then it would mean im a bad person.
>may I ask why?
because i might say things i dont mean, inadvertently hurt someone, or maybe even just start feeling worse for no reason. if i gaslight myself that things are fine, and if i fake being fine, then maybe things will be fine eventually. though it is really hard for me to do so, since it contrasts my vow of always being as honest as possible.
tldr:
i dont want to act sad, as usually it just makes me even more miserable.
and its fine, you can talk about whatever you want
>>83413311
>nothing to drown it out
uh huh... not even aspirins? well in a way im glad you dont have any more alcohol in the house for now.
>dunno about christmas
i know things are a bit dire, but dont expect others to do the work for you, when it comes to being jolly too. if others arent, then be jolly yourself! you can take the initiative of putting up a tree and maybe it will cheer up everyone else too. or i guess making a jolly thread can be good too...
>will all enjoy jolly season!
i wholly hope so! have you been keeping yourself busy these days? oh right, did you ever do anything else with the servo skull? you could change the songs it plays to a jolly one now!
>what do you want for Christmas
if we had to choose something material, then i think im going to go with a bayonet/survival knife. the ones with a jagged back. did you come up with something you want?
>>83413370
woah your sleep schedule is in need of revisiting anon. whats the thing you're reading about? and merry christmas to you too! nice that you're getting something, i hope you like it desu
>>83413419
indeed, though not many things are looking good nowdays. we oughta try and make them be good if we can.

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>>83413454
hello anon, its nice to see you! and thanks for the kind words, im glad my threads can help you at least a bit.
>among the ones people would be most willing to connect with
you think so? perhaps, though i also feel like i wouldnt be a great friend. it is difficult for me to keep up with other people sometimes. when i dont have the energy to even answer to a simple "how are you doing" it makes me feel pretty awful, so i might just be better off alone. who knows though, maybe when we're both doing a bit better things will change and we'll be able to make more friends or at least keep the ones we have.
>awful nightmare
mhm, that sucks. is there really no other outlet you have other than him? i may have asked you this in the past, but have you tried keeping a journal? writing things down, especially the ones that keep floating in your head. i do believe it's better than going back to him every time, considering it just hurts you more. it is arduous to detach from people you really care about, but in your case, i think you might have to, albeit slowly. i dont mind you venting in my threads at all, though they're not guaranteed to be there every time you feel bad, so finding another alternative like writing could do you good! try your best regardless anone.
>>83413552
hi anon. nice to hear you're doing good! i hope it lasts.
>head empty
niceu. me, i've been doing so-so. a bit of bad and a bit of good. i cant complain
>i hope i can be like this
thank you for the kind words anon. im sure you can! i think most people can. i blame society for clouding people's vision and making them believe fellowship is worthless.
>>83413596
>lazy as Hell
i think you get a pass since it's the holiday season. you're allowed to rest for a while! but no slacking once the new year starts.
>had been drunk
hm, i see. i hope she's okay. but im proud of you for sending a message first! i think she might need some time now. perhaps you'll get an answer the next few days. if not, ask again

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>>83413659
cont.
>>83413596
>Gotta get stuff for my Ma and my boy.
very nice of you! are you getting that dinosaur lego thing? i forgot what it was... and what are you planning to get for your mom? im jealous. i wish i could gift something to my mom. she never wants anything, especially from me.
>I am certainly doing
you are! very good doing! im doing fine, thank you. winter is giving me many colds. evil winter this year. but its fine ill get through em. at least my throat doesn't hurt anymore now
>>83413616
sorry to hear anon, whats wrong? i hope you feel better soon.
>>83413619
its mayumi! hi. i hope you're having a nice holiday season!

>>83412790
I'm feeling well enough, not too much is on my mind but I did spend a bit for Christmas as sort of presents, but I did receive one from a neighbor. Otherwise I don't really celebrate Christmas. Hope you're doing well too, fren.

>>83413659
>you get a pass since it's the holiday season.
That's kinda been my excuse. Long year, trying to enjoy the new computer, yadda yadda.

But man I need to LIFT SOME FUCKING WEIGHT

>hope she's okay
Me too, man. She was fun to talk to and seemed like a genuinely sweet person.

>might need some time now.
I don't know. It's been almost two weeks since we actually talked. Feels fucking weird.

>getting that dinosaur lego thing?
Yeah, he's gonna love it. Can't wait to see him when he opens it.

>planning to get for your mom
Pink Floyd CD.

>jealous
This is the first time in years she actually asked for something so I figure I should grab it.

>doing fine, thank you
Nice, I'm glad to hear that my man. Hope you stay warm and Christmas treats you well.

>>83413659
>i cant complain
it's an improvement since last time we talked, i suppose
tell me about some of the good stuff that have been happening in your life

>im sure you can!
i... still have never made a single thread in this board, lol
i probably could but still... i think my biggest problem is low social energy, or my tendency to write a lot
i can easily get overwhelmed when talking to too many people at once... but you make it seem so easy
i admire you for that

>making them believe fellowship is worthless.
that's certainly a problem yeah, but bad times create good people
we'll persevere, for sure

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>>83413655
>uh huh... not even aspirins?
well there were some general painkillers so i just took one of those but i think that its sorta wasteful. Especially when you consider that its just caffeine withdraw acting up.
>well in a way im glad you dont have any more alcohol in the house for now.
mhm thats good. im going back on meds in a couple of days and mixing is just no good you know.
>you can take the initiative of putting up a tree and maybe it will cheer up everyone else too.
i don't really have the money for that but I'll see what i can do. i can definitely make threads spreading good feelings around. i don't even need a special time of year for me to do so.
>have you been keeping yourself busy these days? oh right, did you ever do anything else with the servo skull?
not a lot to be honest. wood is sorta hard and i don't have all of the tools yet. i could make the skull be jolly too but i don't have a small Christmas hat for it you know.
>then i think im going to go with a bayonet/survival knife
ok so nothing changed. thought that maybe there was a new idea or something.
>did you come up with something you want?
dunno about material things. maybe some clamps and other stuff to working with wood easier? what i really want is some peace and quiet however.

>>83413655
>if i didnt feel bad about them then it would mean im a bad person.
Well if you can't do anything about them or are already doing your best, then I think you shouldn't feel bad about it, after all that won't accomplish anything other than make you feel worse. And you can't be a bad person for something that's out of your control! But I do understand how it's tempting to think that way, it does feel like if you can't do anything then at least feeling bad about it helps... even though it doesn't actually.

Anyway, I'll try to do better next time Anonny! I will just assume that you'll come back eventually and that you aren't trying to dis-attach me or anything. But uhm I do have one more question, would you mind if I still send you chats sometimes when you are like this? Or would it make you feel guilty that you can't reply? I just sometimes want to share something with you and it would be nice to do that even if I get no reply or you only read it later when you're feeling better again. But if it would make you feel worse then I can refrain from doing it.

>because i might say things i dont mean, inadvertently hurt someone
Hmm well I really think these things aren't something that would affect me... even if you tell me you hate me or something, I'll know that you're not yourself in the moment, so I won't take it seriously. But I suppose none of that matters if
>maybe even just start feeling worse for no reason
is the case. That's a pretty valid reason for not talking then, I don't want you to feel worse! And if faking it is the best course of action, then perhaps threads like this are a good idea indeed.

Cont.

>>83413876
Cont.

Thank you so much for explaining everything again and reassuring my dummy brain Anon, I really appreciate it! I suppose I should make a proper response to the OP now... though I guess there isn't much else, you really were the main thing on my mind Anon. But other than that it's just been work, work, and more work.. I hate how my life is nothing but work now. Even though it's easy and hardly can even be called work, it still takes up so much time, I haven't been able to do anything other than sleep and eat. And I'm still not relaxed enough at work to really feel like it's just free time to do whatever I want, so even though I'm on my laptop for like 8 hours straight it doesn't really feel good. Maybe I'll get used to it still, I don't know...

As for Christmas, I haven't really been feeling it. Everything has just been normal as usual. If I lived somewhere far away maybe I'd set up a tree and then perhaps things would feel a little more jolly. I do like Christmas lights quite a bit, it's comfy watching them flash in all sorts of patterns in the dark. Are you setting up a tree this year Anonny? Do you usually do fake ones or live ones? I like the smell of living ones but it's sad to cut down a tree just for something like this, so I think fake ones are overall better.

I haven't bought any presents of course, even if I wanted to I'd be kind of weird to get my parents anything now. I've never given them anything before I don't think and I hate doing anything "out of the ordinary". I don't think I truly care enough about them to give them anything, either... it would just be out of guilt if I did. Are you giving your mom anything? You don't have much money, so I imagine it'd be hard to get her a gift...

Cont.

>>83413886
Cont.

>or received any?
Don't think I will, with any luck. My parents usually get me something on my birthday instead, but I hope this time they don't either. I already have everything and more than I need... Maybe something like a cake would be nice though, at least it wouldn't feel like a waste since food is still something I can enjoy. What do you think about food as a gift Anon? I tend to think it's pretty perfect as long as you at least vaguely know what the other person likes.

>you're doing great
Thanks Anon... it's been a struggle. One more day before my (now shorter) weekend...

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>>83413691
nice that you're feeling okay. what did you get from your neighbour? did you gift them anything back?
>don't really celebrate Christmas
ah, so no christmas tree?
>>83413742
>LIFT SOME FUCKING WEIGHT
isnt the weight of living enough already??
>Feels fucking weird
i can imagine. been through similar things. there aint much you can do, other than wait and sometimes ask how they are.
>him when he opens it
im sure it will be a very memorable moment! also pink floyd are cool. are you getting her the dark side of the moon? i wish i had a vinyl of that.
>stay warm
haha, not with the price of heating... but ill try. you too! do you have a fireplace or something like that? i can only dream of owning one eventually.
>>83413761
>good stuff
uhh... i got a new pair of pants from my brother. a really nice anon got me a game, and also, i dont have any more tests until next year thankfully...
>single thread
ive seen you reply to some and try to help other anons, so i think thats enough honestly. you dont need to try and do things like me, just do what you can and want. even just a nice reply can help lots.
>>83413857
>ts just caffeine withdraw
oh really? how many coffees did you drink per day anon?
>mixing is just no good you know
i do know, yes. i've been advised by my doctor, and threatened by my mother... speaking of doctors. i managed to get an appointment set with the psychiatrist at the start of february. i wonder how it's going to go.
>i don't even need a special time
that's true! you can do that whenever. also for the tree, you could just buy a small one, like one that fits on a desk or something. since we cant put up a tree anymore in my house we used a small tree and set it on a cupboard with the presents around. if theres any that is.
>a small Christmas hat
ah... you must acquire a comedically small hat asap! oh and the tools for the wood too of course.
>peace and quiet
i can imagine desu. material things arent much valuable compared to everything else.

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>>83413876
>would it make you feel guilty
...i think it would. sorry, but id prefer if you could just leave me be when i feel that way. maybe you can write down the things you want to tell me and then you can tell them in the threads i make or when i come back online.
>>83413886
>other than sleep and eat
and reading the list, right anon? but its fine, it's just how things are. you'll get used to the job and then i think you'll be able to enjoy lazing around for 8 hours and getting paid for it.
>set up a tree
ah, so you dont feel comfortable doing that either? its a shame. i also like christmas lights. perhaps you'll be able to put up some eventually. we used to set up a (fake) tree but now we dont do it anymore. we just use a smaller one. i do remember decorating the tree with my mom and my brothers when i was a kid. it was really nice.
>presents
i really hope someday you'll be able to give them something, not out of guilt. dont worry about it being out of the ordinary desu. and no, sadly i cant get anything for my mom, or my brothers. i can only hope someday ill be able to.
>Maybe something like a cake
mhm, thats not a bad gift! i suppose you could gift that to yourself... i think food gifts are lovely. especially if they're homemade. it shows that they really care. especially if its something the recipient likes.
>before my (now shorter) weekend
you can make it anon! ganbare

>>83414014
>new pair of pants
oh yoo that sounds great
do they fit nicely? what kind of pants are they?
>a game
ooh hell yea, which one?
>dont have any more tests until next year
fuck yes. enjoy your rest as much as all possible
you'll need it, lol

>i think thats enough honestly.
that's... a good point
i don't think i'm that much help anyway but if i can help make a difference for one or two anons, then that makes me happy already
but really, i don't know the hearts of others and i screw up quite often, so all i can do is hope that i'm doing something good at least, lol

see a candle doesn't light itself, so while i can tell you've been doing some good stuff here, i can't say anything about myself
but if you say so... i'll gladly accept your opinion
thank you, anon

>>83414014
>isnt the weight of living enough already??
No. One must suffer, and if your suffering is tolerable, seek more suffering.

>aint much you can do, other than wait and sometimes ask how they are.
I know. It just drives me insane. I hate not being able to be proactive.

>pink floyd
Can't remember which album it was. May have to have her resend it to me. I know it wasn't Dark Side of the Moon though.

>you have a fireplace or something
Nah, I wish. I do have a robe and fleece pajamas though. I need to get one of those funny hats and a candle holder so I can go full Scrooge.

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>>83414014
>how many coffees did you drink per day anon?
uhm around four at a minimum but often a lot more. it doesn't even help make me awake but something makes it so alluring still.
>yes. i've been advised by my doctor, and threatened by my mother
if you really wanna drink just ask the doctor. i don't see a lot of reasons why you couldn't drink on weekends where you don't need meds or can time them to avoid overlapping. always ask however. oh and mothers like to dramatize meds for some reason. mine did too so don't worry.
>i managed to get an appointment set with the psychiatrist at the start of february. i wonder how it's going to go.
amazing news! i hope it goes the best way possible.
>you could just buy a small one, like one that fits on a desk or something
a tiny one does sound nice but don't those die faster? it would be a pretty nice present for the cars however. they love Christmas trees for some reason.
>material things arent much valuable compared to everything else.
hmm what if they help you get to that nice point? nice headphones don't drown out the noise but they are still nice right?

>>83414014
It was an alarm clock thing, I gave it to my mom since I can't really make use of that. I give my neighbor free services all of the time though, like helping her out with her dog or the cats so I think it's fine if I don't have a physical gift at least. Haven't had a Christmas tree since I was a little kid either B^).

>>83414020
>...i think it would.
Ah okay, that makes sense I suppose... thanks for being honest! I'll just leave you be for now then. But writing them down is a good idea! I'll do that to get them out of my mind, and then hopefully you make a thread and I can post them. Thank you for still making a thread by the way! I didn't expect one like this today, so it was a nice surprise.

>and reading the list
Hehe yes! I have actually read it every day so far I believe. Thanks for the reminder however!

>enjoy lazing around for 8 hours
I hope so! I mean, both of my coworkers are soundly asleep the whole time so it should be pretty nice and calm...

>so you dont feel comfortable doing that either?
Indeed I don't... it's pretty silly, I know. My parents would probably praise me if I set one up, but I'm still too uncomfortable to do it...
I do hope I can set up some Christmas lights eventually, maybe even year-round... lighting is a very important part of creating the atmosphere in your room, so I'd like to put some effort into creating something nice, although I don't know how to do good lighting really. I think the goal mostly is to just not have any overhead lights, and only use smaller lamps carefully positioned in proper spots. Did you put any thought into how you do the lighting in your room Anon?

>used to set up a (fake) tree but now we dont do it
Why not? I guess it's just you and your mom now but still, since you enjoy it you should set one up! Your mom can't stop you, can she??

>not out of guilt
Hmm... they do deserve it, to be honest... But I have a feeling it will never happen. I can't even imagine myself ever being that comfortable around them that I'd gift them something...

>dont worry about it being out of the ordinary
I know I shouldn't... but I can't not worry about it sadly.

>i can only hope someday ill be able to
I hope so too Anonny!! I'm sure once you get a job you'll be able to get her something! Do you know what sort of stuff she'd like?

Cont.

>>83414213
Cont.

>i suppose you could gift that to yourself...
Mm.. maybe, but then it makes it less special if I ever get it as a gift. For now I think the plan is, if my mom asks me what I want for my birthday, I'll tell her a cake. That's at least something I won't hate or feel too guilty about, so it's about as good of a gift as it gets for me.

>i think food gifts are lovely. especially if they're homemade.
I'm glad you agree! And I totally didn't think about homemade ones, that's even better! That's actually a really good idea if I ever want to gift someone something and don't know what. Maybe I should learn how to bake stuff... that could be a useful skill to have for this, after all baked goods are usually best for a situation like this. Have you ever received or given a food gift, Anon? Maybe you could do something like that for your brothers? It shouldn't be that expensive I imagine...

>>83414113
>for the cars however
uhh cats sorry

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>>83414077
>what kind of pants are they?
they're baggy jeans, paleish colour. im not one to wear jeans, (in fact i hate them) but since theyre baggy i made an exception. they fit pretty well with the rest of my outfits too!
>which one?
space marine 2. its fun
>hope that i'm doing something good
honestly it's all we can do really. im sure some anons have appreciated your kindness, and if you continue to show it, then many more will appreciate it too in the future. and then who knows, if you keep talking eventually you might even be able to increase the max amount of social batteries you have! i think it kinda works that way with me.
>>83414084
>seek more suffering
i can't say i agree with this doctrine but i suppose its at least a realistic portrait of real life.
>I hate not being able to be proactive
im the same. it took a long time to put my heart to rest and accept there isnt much i can do, (and sometimes it still hurts me) but that is what we must do. do try to remember, your mere presence is often enough for most people. so just try to be there when they need you.
>it wasn't Dark Side of the Moon
hmmm, then im going to bet on wish you were here or the wall. do tell which one it is if you remember, im curious.
>funny hats and a candle holder
duuude you have no idea how much i would love to get something like that myself. it would feel great... i dont think ive even ever seen a handheld candleholder in my life.
>>83414113
>four at a minimum
jeez... did you drink energy drinks too? i worry for you anon, you better take this seriously, i dont want you to get a heart attack!
>where you don't need meds
i mean i always need them to sleep though... i suppose if i get drunk then the alcohol will make me sleep instead. and yeah i know, when i told my mom about my sleeping pills she thought i was going to get addicted and die. i dont even take her seriously most of the time.

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>>83414113
>amazing news
mhm, im still not very sure about all of this. i really wish i could've just endured without having to take drugs. sigh.
>die faster?
its a fake one. i wouldnt doom any tree to be stuck in my living room until the end of its days. my car also loves the tree. for different reasons though...
>they help
unfortunately for me there's very few things that would help me reach what i want, but i suppose you still have a point. wouldnt you like some noise cancelling headphones for christmas then?
>>83414126
>alarm clock
oh i see. its nice of you to help out all the time! the spirit of giving (help) never fades.
>Haven't had a Christmas tree
is it just because your family doesn't really celebrate it much then? that's a bit sad. not even christmas lights or anything?
>>83414213
>every day
good job anon! and if your coworkers are sleeping then i think you have all the rights to stay on your laptop
>overhead lights
hm, why? i didnt really think much about it myself. i do agree that lighting does help a lot in setting the atmosphere. i wanted to get some coloured led lights to put behind my desk, though i dont have money to waste on that kind of stuff
>Why not?
we're both too depressed to bother, and there's not enough space anymore. plus my cat would always jump on it and make a mess. so im content with the smaller one. and for the record, yes, she can stop me.
>sort of stuff
yes; nothing. just like me.
>a cake
...shouldn't that be the standard though? i suppose not maybe. i dont remember the last time i had a cake for my birthday so yeah. i hope you get a nice cake anon.
>Maybe I should learn how to bake stuff
it's not a bad hobby to have, i think. i hate making sweets so i'd just cook normal food... or make biscuits. i dont think i ever received anything like that, i'd remember if i did. i was thinking of making meatballs for my brother this year, though i didnt in the end, i wasn't really feeling great... ill try my best to make them the next.

>>83414407
>baggy jeans
ok shit man that's dope, and a pale color is great too
me i'm more of a dark jeans fan, think deep navy blue or black, but i can appreciate a lighter color as well
i have never and will never wear tight jeans, baggy jeans are the way to go

>space marine 2.
oh i never played that one i don't think
is it good? what genre is it?

>many more will appreciate it too in the future.
i dunno about that, i've been at it for a while but lately all i get is vitriol, whenever i'm even acknowledged that is
maybe i just turned into a cunt and i'm getting what i fuckin' deserve, who knows
i guess it's easy to convince yourself you're doing good but it doesn't matter if the situation outside doesn't match, lol
feels like being a shadow again, which is quite freeing, but quite lonely

>if you keep talking eventually you might even be able to increase the max amount of social batteries
i thought that would happen but in like 15 years, it didn't change much
but here's hoping, my dude
i'll never stop hoping

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>>83414407
>i worry for you anon, you better take this seriously, i dont want you to get a heart attack!
its fine anon don't worry. thanks for showing concern but im cutting coffee completely out and i don't drink energy drinks in the first place. i wanna give these new meds their time to shine and caffeine sorta messes that up i think.
>i mean i always need them to sleep though... i suppose if i get drunk then the alcohol will make me sleep instead.
don't use alcohol as a sleeping aid please. i was thinking more of the ADHD meds you wanted in the future which can be cut out on the weekend often but the sleeping ones i don't know. yeah be careful please. i worry about you too.
>i really wish i could've just endured without having to take drugs
if it helps you i think most people loose when they have some alcohol. and besides that i don't think that sleepy time pills and stims are that bad so its all good!
>for different reasons though...
mysterious anon..
>wouldnt you like some noise cancelling headphones for christmas then?
i already have some. im wearing them right now. they don't block everything and they make their own noise but having them play some music is a lot better than rawdogging loud neighbors/family. there are pretty decent budget ones btw. i suggest you take a look. makes going outside a lot less frustrating.

Ah just read this:
>>83414014
>i managed to get an appointment set with the psychiatrist
Great job Anonny!! As expected it's pretty far out but at least it's before summer, so still not too bad especially by public healthcare standards. Hopefully the doc is helpful and can get you some meds that make your life a bit easier!

>>83414416
>good job anon!
Thanksu! And yeah, I don't even feel bad about using my laptop, it's far less against the rules than sleeping is. A guy at the previous house I worked at got insta-fired for sleeping...

>hm, why?
I think it's because they light everything up too evenly. I prefer it when there's spot lighting and some darker spots in places, that makes everything look more interesting and cozy. If it's just overhead lighting, the room gets lit up so evenly that it becomes kind of bland. Do you use an overhead light right now desu? I sadly only have that here and it pains me to no end, it's so much less comfy than the hotel room which had spot lighting...

>led lights
Yes, coloured lighting is an amazing idea as well! Then you can change it depending on your mood. I want to get some one day as well. Isn't this a good Christmas present idea by the way? Maybe you could ask for that next year!

>both too depressed
Hmm well you surely have enough Christmas cheer in you to overcome that depression, no? But I suppose if you have no space then there's not much to be done about it. Is your whole house cluttered up with boxes too, not just your room? Honestly I'm envious...

>nothing
Ah... just like me, as well. I guess that's what depression does to people...

>the standard
It is the stereotypical birthday gift but I never got cakes until a couple years ago I think. But I mean, it doesn't have to be that either, any sort of yummy food I don't normally eat works.

>ate making sweets
Wasn't that because you don't like eating sweets? Do you still hate making them for others?

>i didnt in the end
Oh, did your brother already visit for Christmas?

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>>83414493
>tight jeans
that's right! i hate skinny pants in general honestly. i always wear baggy clothes, unless it's some fancy event.
>what genre is it?
uhh... you know warhammer 40k? theres a lot to explain... to make it simpler it's a third person horde shooter. its good.
>situation outside
fake it till you make it guess. i think you'll end up being okay as long as you stay true to yourself anon.
>didn't change
perhaps it did ever so slightly, but you never even noticed
>>83414575
>cutting coffee
mhm, good! i hope the meds help then so that you wont have to resort to caffeine anymore. and stay away from energy drinks!
>the ADHD meds
ah, right those. i guess i'll see how many times i have to use them. thank you for worrying anon. ill do my best!
>all good
im sure... i guess they beat becoming an alcoholic...
>mysterious
ill tell you: my car just loves destroying the christmas tree.
>budget ones
i've seen a few, yeah. i got a pair of samsung W something and they get the job done. useful when you have to travel too. perhaps you can consider getting a new pair eventually. i've heard every headphone has a different amount of noise cancelling
>>83414596
>doc is helpful
hopefully indeed. i have my doubts but we shall see
>too evenly
oh... that's a problem? i never really cared about it. i do have a lamp yes, it's attached to a piece of furniture over my head. i dont like darkness too much honestly so im fine with this. i would prefer a warmer light though...
>you could ask
i'd rather not increase the electricity bill even more.
>house cluttered up
no but there's other furniture around and the sofa is quite big. also, what are you jealous of? the boxes?? i hate them.
>eating sweets
not only that but other bad experiences ive had in school.. and they're annoying to make. i dont mind making them for others, but i'd prefer doing anything else.
>your brother
ah no, i meant for his birthday. this christmas we're going to go eat at my mother-in-law place.

>>83414407
>at least a realistic portrait
I say in jest, somewhat. I do believe that suffering builds character but it is important to know your limits, rest, and enjoy the good moments when they come.

>presence is often enough for most people
I feel like my presence ain't worth much, boss.

>would love to get something like that myself
It is a universal masculine urge to sweep through the house looking like Ebenezer Scrooge

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>>83414822
>i hope the meds help then so that you wont have to resort to caffeine anymore
well i never *had* to drink coffee. it never did anything good and i stay sleepy. the new pills allegedly don't help against tiredness in the morning also so i will stay eternally tired. I think, i never took those.
>ill do my best!
that exactly is perfect. good luck.
>im sure... i guess they beat becoming an alcoholic...
i think that's unironically the case. in all graphs that i saw stims and benzos were ranked below alcohol in terms of harm. i guess it changes if you need to take something every day but you know.
>
cruel. rude. uncalled for.
>i've heard every headphone has a different amount of noise cancelling
they do but even cheap ones are pretty high up there. i have some cheap and some fancy ones and i like both.

>>83414822
>i have my doubts but we shall see
Well, better to not expect much and be positively surprised than otherwise, I suppose.

>oh... that's a problem?
Not a problem, per se, but I certainly don't like how it looks... even lighting like that is good if you want to like, find some item you lost in your room, but it's not good for creating a cozy atmosphere (the main point of lighting hehe).

>i do have a lamp yes
That's good, if it's just a lamp I imagine it still creates some dark spots in your room so it must look nice. And it's good that you don't like darkness too much, some people never open the curtains and just always live in a dungeon basically... bit too depressing for me. Is the light too white? Warmer is indeed better, but at least you have yellow walls so I think that sort of compensates for it.

>electricity bill
I'm pretty sure those lights consume like 5 watts... might be wrong though. Is electricity that expensive over there? Good on you for always turning off your PC when you leave, I suppose.

>the boxes?? i hate them.
Yes! I mean, boxes aren't ideal, but any kind of clutter is good IMO. The more clutter, the merrier! But yes, you've said you hate them before, which makes sense given your propensity for being clean and organized. Wish we could switch rooms...

>other bad experiences ive had in school..
Huh... that makes me a little curious. Do you mind talking about them, or are they so bad that just remembering them would bring your mood down? In that case don't.

>i meant for his birthday.
Ahh, I'm dumb, that's what we were discussing food gifts in the context of. But yes, I think it's a good idea, so hopefully you can do it next year! It's hard not to enjoy some tasty food, so you basically can't go wrong with it unless you make something the other person hates.

>>83415105
oh uhh not intended why

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>>83415032
>suffering builds character
absolutely, but there's a fine line between bravery, and stupidity. it's not bad to try and go over your limits, but its best to learn where they are first.
>ain't worth much
i think it is. give yourself a bit more credit anon. you've had fun times with them before. besides, rarely people put to show how much they are about someone. how many times have you told to the people you care about that they're important to you? not many i assume, and yet you still find their presence important. it's the same way for other people towards you.
i think your presence in my threads is important and also appreciated for one!
>It is a universal masculine urge
absolutely. his whole vibe is memorable. and also i am getting more and more convinced that the male brain is just a hivemind.
>>83415105
>eternally tired
not a fate i wish upon anyone... i think i will too. do you ever take naps during the day?
>below alcohol in terms of harm
im sure, yes. i know people who'se lives have been completely ruined by alcohol it is scary. as it should be, it's a potent drug, and should be treated as such. but alas, i doubt it will ever happen. i can only hope i at least dont fall victim to it
>cheap and some fancy ones
thats nice desu. since we're on the topic of hardware, what kind of pc do you have? oh wait it's a laptop i just remembered. is it a powerful one?
>>83415138
>not expect much
don't ask for the impossible, expect the less of all.
>creating a cozy atmosphere
right... i oughta look up some tutorial on how to light a room.
>some dark spots
it's a pretty powerful led bulb so not really. i think i like natural light the best. i'd live with only candle light if i could.
>any kind of clutter is good
i will never understand you anon...
>talking about them
it's just that my teacher was a huge asshole. its the same that i faced not too long ago to help my classmate, if you remember.
>something the other person hates
would be great for a prank desu.

>>83414416
Of course, I love helping others B^). Although I'm not one who's too partial to getting gifts. I'm a bit of a hypocrite in that way. Also mostly it's just laziness and because there aren't any kids in the house anymore.

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>>83415368
>i think i will too
you mean the coffee?
>do you ever take naps during the day?
very rarely. there are month long streaks without naps.
>i can only hope i at least dont fall victim to it
nobody should. its sad how casual alcoholism is seen as.
>oh wait it's a laptop i just remembered. is it a powerful one?
i had a very strong PC once that could run the bleeding edge at max while it was up to date but in an attempt to stop myself from spending so much on it i sold it. in the end i built a new one and its pretty weak(runs lethal company and the like). i never achieved my original goal but i like how quiet it is. No wonder if it pulls 100 watts max. if i remember you wanted to get a new one. whats your current one and how would the upgrade look like?

>>83415368
>don't ask for the impossible, expect the less of all.
Where's this quote from? You seem to know a lot of quotes... Do you have any you could pick as your favorite?

> tutorial on how to light
Me too, as I said I don't really know how to do it. I bet it's one of those things that's really vague and thus difficult to learn though, so it's probably something you have to figure out through experimentation more than anything. Whatever looks good to you is best!

>it's a pretty powerful led bulb
Aww, too bad. I can see why you want it to be warmer as well, some of those LED lamps don't have the best color balance. And yeah, natural light is always best! There's something about it changing throughout the day that adds a lot as well. It sure does add a lot of heat into your room in the summer though, so sometimes I have to close my blinds anyways, otherwise it gets too hot.

>candle light
How medieval of you... I like candle light too though. Looks comfy and smells good as well. Unfortunately not very healthy for you to breathe all that smoke and it's also probably kind of expensive I assume? But heh maybe you should make a Tao shrine and light candles next to it. That would be one good use for them.

>i will never understand you
You clean freaks wouldn't get it... but really I think it's mainly because it creates a more narrow space. I like narrow spaces, they are comfy, but most homes are too spacious when there's not enough stuff in them, especially here in America, so that's why I prefer it when they are filled up with items. If I lived in Japan maybe I'd be fine with a more empty house since everything is already very tight there.

>its the same that i faced not too long ago
Oh wow... so that guy has negatively affected a lot of people it seems. How is he still not fired... you really are right that there are some awful teachers around. It sucks that he basically ruined baking for you, instead of instilling a love for it like he was supposed to.

>>83415368
>give yourself a bit more credit
It's just fuckin difficult. I find it easy to fixated on my flaws and difficult to understand that I do have something worth giving. Been getting better in recent years but every failure tries to drag me back down to the worst moments of my life.

>how many times have you told to the people you care about that they're important to you?
I actually try to do that fairly often. I tell my friends I love them, and it used to be a policy (when we all lived close enough to visit) that no one left the house without a hug.

>your presence in my threads is important and also appreciated
Well thank you. I try to be good to others, or at least worth talking to. And for what it's worth I appreciate seeing you on the board.

>the male brain is just a hivemind.
I would blame that more on autism, personally. Actually just had an argument with some name fag on here the other day about that.

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>>83415614
>fixated my flaws
of course you do anon, its normal. we are our biggest judges, and thats why you have to try and see things from other people's perspectives too. do you think most people you know see you as an awful person? i dont think so. when we look at ourselves in the mirror the first thing we see is our flaws. when we look at others, they are usually the last, partly because we hide them, but mostly because they are not as noticeable as we all think they are.
>that no one left the house without a hug
that's great desu! really really great! but you see, you and your friend group were an exception to the rule. i dont think many other people did that. the point still stands, people do appreciate the people close to them, but it's difficult to express that gratitude for most.
>worth talking to
you are very worth talking to mister scrooge!
>about that
oh, about autism or the hivemind? though yeah you might be right. perhaps only the ones "blessed" with autism are part of the hivemind.

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whoops, i forgot to post the first part first

>>83415500
do you like christmas songs or are those not your thing?
>aren't any kids
but its not just a kid's festivity sigh...
>>83415575
>coffee?
i mean being eternally tired. thankfully i never liked coffee much
>month long
uh huh. rookie numbers. try years. sigh...
>how casual
it is, just like pornography is seen as something "normal". but these things are sadly so deep seated in our society (especially alcohol) that i doubt most people will actually ever question if its fine to consider them "good"
still i cant deny the occasional beer or wine glass at a social gathering makes things more fun.
>original goal
what's that? ive thought about selling my pc too a couple of times. too lazy to go through with it tho. the one i have now is not bad. it runs most new games at an acceptable framerate. though i want a new mobo and psu because they're kind of cheap. not as in they might break (well, its almost 6 years old now so they might too) but they dont let me upgrade other parts further. like i cant put any more fans in my pc cause there's not enough ports in the mobo, and i cant change my gpu to a more powerful one cause there's not enough watts from my psu.
>>83415591
>this quote
i forgor
and no i dont think there's any quote i could pick as favourite.
>How medieval
well excuse me but its my favourite timeframe in history. i dont think the smoke would be such a big problem considering that for half the day there's the sun outside. and you can always just open your window.
>shrine
thats a bit too far.
>narrow spaces
i get liking narrow places, i just dont get being fine with the narrow space being made of boxes filled with junk...
>ruined subject instead of making the student like it
many such cases, sadly.

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>>83415898
>try years. sigh...
my condolences anon. some day it'll be better.
>that i doubt most people will actually ever question if its fine to consider them "good"
yeah its sad. when you tell somebody online not to make porn or something in that direction they almost always flip out and insult you. same goes for drug users in general.
>what's that?
not spending so much time on the computer. i thought that if it were less cool and ran fewer games that i would use it less. little did i know that it didn't change anything. it has its charm still.
>like i cant put any more fans in my pc cause there's not enough ports in the mobo
look up your mobos manual online and do the same for the fans. there is a good chance you can wire up multiple fans to a single port. just don't exceed the port power rating and you should be able to daisy chain fans with their molex cables.
>i cant change my gpu to a more powerful one cause there's not enough watts from my psu.
what gpu were you eying? or do you just want to have that option available in the future?

i had wake up really early today and slept badly so i can't continue in this nice thread. I still read stuff the next day etc.
Good night everybody and have a nice tomorrow.

>>83415898
>i forgor
Too bad... it's a good quote. I don't really have any favorites either I suppose, though I keep a file with quotes I like. Sometimes I think about writing them somewhere in public, like making a graffiti but without the fancy letters and stuff... I think it would be cool to find a secluded place somewhere and put down some cool sounding quote on the wall for other strangers in the night to perhaps find one day. Or at least I sometimes see stuff written by other people on random walls and I like reading it. There was a whole breakup story written behind a power transformer that I found once, that was interesting.

>its my favourite timeframe in history.
Well excuse ME but it's my favourite too! I think. I don't really know much about any time periods so maybe it's too early to judge. But the aesthetics of it are very appealing indeed, I'll say that much.

>open your window
I suppose so, it's not *that* smokey either like incense and the like so it's probably not too harmful overall... I'm just weirdly concerned about things like this these days. How funny, I used to not care at all.

>thats a bit too far.
It's not far enough until every inch of your walls and ceiling is covered in Tao posters!

>narrow space being made of boxes filled with junk..
Hmm well I don't see why you wouldn't be fine with it... I guess them being plastic boxes doesn't help because those are kind of shiny and that looks bad... but still, it's better than it just being empty space. You know sometimes I daydream about making a maze you have to crawl through inside my room. Like use large pipes or something and connect them up with each other in all sorts of ways, including vertically, and fit them all inside your room like a bunch of tightly packed intestines and then make one end go to the front door and the other to a window. That would be such a comfy "room" to have... unfortunately very not compliant with fire codes I imagine.

>>83415994
Good night Anon!

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>>83415994
>it'll be better
ah how nice would it be to sleep on command
>flip out and insult you
indeed. a year or so ago i used to be a lot more strict with others about corn usage and stuff like drugs etc. as soon as i'd mentioned them being bad people would just turn hostile so i just stopped caring altogether. it's their life anyway.
>has its charm
ever fed, never satisfied, never fed, ever satisfied
>multiple fans to a single port
i dont think i got the manual skill to do that... or the tools. or the courage...
>what gpu
anything from the 40xx family would be great. right now i have a 3060, and when i bought it a year ago i thought it was one of the best, only to find out it's kinda mid. though it gets the job done for now so im okay with it, i mostly just want more fans. and maybe a water cooling system for the cpu.
thanks for stopping by today anon, have a restful sleep!
>>83416022
>file with quotes
me too desu. i dont ever write down the sources though... i think putting a quote on a wall rather than an ugly graffiti is better. though i also think sticking to paper is the best idea. what do you think of the quote "beauty is such a subjective element of one's soul that it doesn't need to be attained, for it always harbours somewhere in one's being"?
>I don't really know much
many wikipedia pages await you anon. though yes i must admit medieval periods are mostly known for their aesthetic.
>concerned about things like this these days
why is that you think?
>walls and ceiling is covered
that would annoy me immensely i think.
>why you wouldn't be fine
because its... junk... everywhere in the house... how is it fine? oh well. as a kid i did like the idea of having to crawl in secret passages n such to get into rooms.
>That would be such a comfy "room" to have
because it would keep everyone but yourself out of it?


im a bit tired since i didnt sleep much yesterday so i'll go to bed for today. thanks anons for spending time with me. have a good rest of the week!