Anyone wanna talk to me? I had a mental breakdown today, it's been a while.
>>83434836Sure. What happened? Where were you when you had the breakdown
>>83434836And how are you feeling now?
Breakdown about something specific or a routine breakdown? They happen from time to time.
>>83434836YES. What did you break? Give me the f ing tea.
how do you not have a mental breakdown everything is shit. i wake up mad at life
>>83434841I was in my room. I'm pretty sick today and felt especially lonely, waiting for someone to DM me. That person would usually stop replying for a few days for several unsatisfying reasons, but at least when they came back we would always have a nice and long chat and hang out (yes this is all online). They did pop up again, but all they did was talk about what was going on in their life instead of answering anything I had sent them the past few days, and they proceeded to go away again. This is maybe the 4th time this has happened and I started going off, like I've done several times before, about how I wish they would answer my questions and things I said in their absence instead of ignoring them. There were some more things but my memory becomes a little blurry here because I assume I dissociated for a while, but I was crying hard and went to my house's rooftop to look at the scenery, considering killing myself over the grief of feeling punished simply for wanting to find companionship, and having this person who I thought could provide it failing me over and over again while saying they'd do X or Y to fix things.>>83434850I'm still feeling down and a little bit on the verge of spiraling every other minute now but watching slop on youtube and browsing 4chan is making me feel empty enough to where I can choose to not care about those thoughts. However I'm definitely getting more tired of being here with each passing annoying thread I hide that just gets replaced with another about the same topic. Stupid spam>>83434862Breakdown about something specific. A routine breakdown would probably not have made me feel bad.>>83434865Uh, my mind? It vaguely has fixed itself since then though.btw>>83434836I regret writing this post like this, it kind of sounds like chickn or generally any other annoying namefag. Sorry guys. That said I still am going to attach random images to my posts because it just feels wrong to not do it in such a long post.
>>83434931Do you want to be my long-term friend? I feel sorry for you because I relate heavily to what you're going through
>>83434931it can be guessed from your post if you're the OP, but I'd lie if I told you this pumpkin girl you're posting is not cutejust don't get too recognizable outside of this thread and it will be okayanyway, I'm dismissive like the person you're describing, I was talking in the past with seemingly mentally emotionally vulnerable guy and it simply didn't cross my head that I can be missed when I've cut off the contact, despite the multiple reminders that I was somewhat important
>>83434868Except for a few times, I just always have been able to cope with the fact life is generally shitty, so I've never had a breakdown over that sort of thing. Life is all about copes to make you forget the bad. Sometimes you can't ignore them and that's okay as long as you don't do anything reckless. There is hope somewhere other than death, always.>>83434992I wasn't in any sort of romantic relationship with this person, but I don't think I should go for what I can only feel is a rebound; I'd also feel pretty bad if we just didn't end up clicking. I really appreciate the sentiment and I'm sorry you went through similar BS-ery, relationship-related troubles hurt far more than any other pain, in my experience.>>83434996Her name is Ryubence. Thankfully she has very little fanart so I couldn't become her avatarfag even if I wanted to, which I don't. If you're like the person I talked about, why won't you always cut things off if you just so clearly don't care? Emotionally vulnerable people take a good time before they put on their adult pants and cut people who are bad for them off. Why won't you end that person's delusions before they get as bad as they did for me? I was messaging all my friends that I loved them, omitting this part as to not worry them that I was fully intent on ending it all at that moment before thinking about all the things I could still become or experience in life. It's bad behavior. Please don't toy with people.
>>83435097>Why won't you end that person's delusions before they get as bad as they did for me?I can't exactly speak for that person from your story, but as I've said. I can't understand that I'm actually hurting someone (there's suspicion, but I'm never sure of it because I don't realize how strongly people get attached). It's lack of empathy, which I do realize is a flaw (so I'm not seeking online relationships to avoid that)>omitting this part as to not worry them thatthis is that part where people who would worry about you, would want to worry about youI'm guessing here, but it seems like a common sense that this level of honesty is important if you want some deeper relationshipworries are not exactly that horrible for the other person as you might thinkbut then again, not everyone actually is empathetic
>>83435139You better not be who I was talking with and using this as your way to tell me to let go...
>>83435244deleted my only DC years ago, it had a certain coffee monkey as a part of the username
Are you fags getting this emotional over a fucking trooncord chat? Jesus
>>83435264I'll choose to believe you, Mr. Anonymous on leaf clover website. Anyway I hope you come out of your bad ways.
>>83435270friday night mutherfucker>>83435280so, how are you feeling right now? less lonely for now after talking for a moment?
>>83434931>usually stop replying for a few days for several unsatisfying reasonsWhat kind of reasons did they give you? I went through this and it was heartwrenching watching them become more distant.
>>83435299>how are you feeling right now?I guess I do feel less lonely, it's a little weird to gauge it through 4chan interactions when this all will eventually be gone and forgotten in the archives. Hope your day has been better than the melodrama that was mine.>>83435307I won't be extremely specific but they were always really bad reasons that simply didn't excuse being away for several days. They'd say they would always take too long doing simple tasks, or ruminate on things uselessly, and that their notifications were always off. These are all terrible reasons to me; I don't know about you guys. Nothing they said they did would take you off the internet for more than a single day, and they always called themselves terminally online. If I had someone to speak to who I continuously claimed I cared about or had a lot of fun talking with especially during times of hardship in my life, I wouldn't enjoy not being around them for even a single day, no matter how bad things got. It really sucks to care for someone more than they'll ever be able to care about you, doesn't it? Should I just block them to put an end to this? I said they should do it because I always cling on to my last bits of hope, but... this is madness, honestly. I don't want to have another breakdown.
>>83434836hope you feel better freni had an anxiety attach for the first time in years the earlier this week.things will get better again
>>83435337They weren't replying because they were hanging out with their boyfriend. They come back and talk to you when their boyfriend isn't around.
>>83435337>Hope your day has been better than the melodrama that was mine.Thank you. I wish you find any peace.>Should I just block them to put an end to this?Consider few things:1. you won't be able to talk about your life with anyone in private unless you do, you normie2. leaving him some kind of an explanation3. burning bridges (just blocking someone is a matter of unblocking)
>>83435378>just blocking someone is a matter of unblockingWdym? Also, I basically have already given them a goodbye with all my menhera ramblings. They'd probably understand and not care, honestly. Like I said they always talk about wanting to change or making promises and never fulfilling them. Honestly, I've been an idiot, as usual. The biggest sin someone can commit these days is actually wanting to find love.>>83435353I hope so too.
>>83435454>Wdym?something like:>done, blocked, that chapter of life is over>...>damn, I really want to talk to someone>I wonder if that someone in the blocklist is willing to talk after allif you are sure it won't happen then I'm just bringing up bollocks>these days is actually wanting to find loveI doubt this will work but have you considered learning to draw/write/both and crafting your own little delusion to pour your sorrows into?
>>83435495Yeah, I'm not the kind of person to actually go back and talk to people I've blocked even if I've had thoughts of doing so...About that last part, wouldn't that basically be like roleplaying with an AI chatbot but I'm doing all the work by myself? I'm not saying I haven't tried it but... I of course always know what they say, always know everything about them and there's just not as much fun as there is to talking to someone real who you can feel affection towards. I would rather not end up like Nishijou Takumi (picrel. pink girl is his anime waifu)
>>83435522Why don't you just get a new person to talk to?
>>83435532Those kinds of people NEVER come into your life when you're actively trying to find them
>>83435454It does feel like a sin chasing love these days. We're all left behind and alone. It feels so awful wanting to give attention to someone who matches your enthusiasm. Everyone is avoidant.
>>83435541What kind of person are you actively trying to find?
i would offer to be your new person because i like your images and the way you write but are a moid. forgotten and disposable.
My mental is always broken, I started crying from a youtube ad on the drive home from work
>>83435522>as much fun>funon the rooftop? >wouldn't that basically be like roleplayingNot exactly roleplaying, as in talking to your OC waifu. Picturing your own thoughts/feelings on some kind of media might redirect your needs from actual people who can be unpredictable. For example I want stillness and silence in my life, so I end up (mediocrely) drawing things with gothic/death theme. mom, it's not just a phase It's more of a self-reflection thing.
>>83435559Just someone I can click with as much as we had. There was always doubt in the back of my mind for this working at all, but when it felt like I was finally getting close to something I had been wishing for the past 2 years... it hurt to see it all fall down so quickly. What makes me more miffed is now 100% knowing it's possible to find someone like that, but how could I even have hope of finding them again? I wish I wouldn't have to replace people endlessly, I want lifelong connections.>>83435550Your point seems a little confused, but I think I understand that you're trying to say we're all so irony-poisoned that it feels uncomfortable to find someone who you can be... so comfortable with?>>83435559I'm too open-minded to be able to say with 100% confidence what I want when it comes to a partner, so I guess I can vaguely describe who I was talking to: They were elegant in an unique way; they didn't try to be cutesy but I somehow always found myself thinking of how endearing everything they said was. They were so open and we matched on so many interests and points of view, while still being our own people... I can't help but make it sound like I was just experiencing some intense infatuation, but the thing was that they really were reciprocating, for the first time ever to me. Even if they weren't ready for a relationship I always found myself imagining our future. I've always been super pathetic like that.>>83435561I didn't see you bringing anything to the table in the first place, but in any case, offering to be someone's "new person" is just bad. I don't want to use someone. I know your reply was engaging me and who I may or may not be in bad faith but I don't care.>>83435569Was it a road safety ad? I'd get it in that case, those are freaky...>>83435581I assume that's your "crude drawing?" It looks pretty adorable! So you're basically telling me to channel my emotions into a character not to roleplay with them, but to give my feelings a form?
>>83435720I didn't realize I replied to the same post twice but with wildly different answers
>>83435727>I didn't realize I replied to the same post twice but with wildly different answersI am also afflicted with a dementia disorder so you are forgivenJust keep talking to people and you'll find someone new eventually. Many fish in the sea, so on so forth.
>>83434931feel better soon anon. i can relate to feelings like that and also kind of going menhera mode at people. long term connections are such a rare thing nowdays and it sucks, and i dont think people like ourselves are built to thrive in a society like this... maybe we're better off trying to learn how to live alone. it's just too sad though. i hope you can heal soon and maybe find someone else that will give you the same affection you give them, if that's what you wish.
>>83435720>It looks pretty adorable!thank you, it's indeed crude, as in it does not take much learning to draw this>but to give my feelings a form?yeah, people have several thousand years-old tradition of expressing the most basic parts of life in increasingly more elaborate symbols>so I guess I can vaguely describe who I was talking tothat sounds like he was just being freely himself using they when talking about singular person is too annoying for me, sorry, I won't do that and you've had most of the fun with learning then understanding him
>>83435771nta but why is that annoying? i do it all the time unconsciously even when we all know the person's gender. doesn't read as odd or awkward at all to me. i'm esl, yeah, but my language doesn't have an equivalent so it's not something i've carried over.
>>83435785>nta but why is that annoying?I'm also an ESL. My first polish language simply has strictly separate plural and singular forms, so the english way is unintuitive. I don't know why I can't get used to it like you did.Nothing to do with some /pol/ topic of the week if that's what you're wondering about
>>83435745As bad as things get sometimes, I hope I never end up actually feeling like it's better to just be alone. I've experienced actually having not a single person to talk to, with no one or nothing to look forward to seeing in daily life. Ever since I (sort of) got myself out of this hole with new friendships, even if they're not super deep, I know I never want to feel what it's like to be truly alone again. Now that you mention it though, sometimes my affection is pretty heavy-handed (not to the point of love bombing though), so I don't know how I want someone to be 100% equally as focused on me as I am to them. I dunno. I kind of hate myself after all. In any case, we can make it hu tao anon.>>83435771I won't show anything so I'm not recognized, but I do draw. It's been a good while but I'd love to try again with this idea in mind; thank you.>that sounds like he was just being freely himself and you've had most of the fun with learning then understanding him...I did notice they wouldn't often ask me questions about myself back, but I mean they called themselves autistic so I didn't really think about it in a poor light. If we compound that into everything else though, it does sound extremely one-sided after all, no? Heh...>>83435804>polishSorry to intrude but I heard you guys use XD in a non-ironic way a lot. Is that true?
>>83435844>no?indeed, the entire debacle is about that, now that I think of it, what kind of questions would you like to see in such conversation? some small-talk "how was your day?" or something hobby related or something "deeper" as in how do you find yourself emotionally in some situation?>ask me questions about myself backthat's definitely lack of care, which is somewhat honest, even if unconscious>Is that true?A fucking lot, but rarely on 4chan.
OP can I lovingly rape you? We can play games together too.I'm a male though, no homo.
I'm probably all sorts of altered today. I think I went a little bit too hard on some medication and ive had no sense of time recently.>>83435874All options sound good. I definitely dislike it when conversations stick to becoming a non-stop "hey how are you" daily. Even though that shows the person cares enough to keep in contact, it's just so annoying... when things like this whole shitshow happen to me I often think it's just karma for me acting so dismissively towards others too, but I'm not so sure that's the right way to view this. Relationships just don't work sometimes. I'm now thinking of how this person would always make excuses or express how bad they felt for making *me* feel bad, but even back then, they always rung so hollow. They really were just bored and needed a diary to write to. I understand how much of a loser I am now for feeling any sort of infatuation towards them. I should have seen it coming from a mile away that I never mattered here. They were almost always just horny too. I'm an idiot>>83435915No. Why though, this isnt really the time
Would we know this person?
>>83435844>I never end up actually feeling like it's better to just be aloneyou see i feel the same, i've both had complete isolation and friends, but still, i can't help and think that with isolation at least comes peace, in some sort of way. maybe now that we know the type of companionship we seek doesn't really exist, we'd be able to appreciate being alone. or maybe we'd long for the impossible even more. i dunno either... let's just both try not to hate ourselves first i suppose. you seem like a really sweet anon and i think you deserve the affection you give back too!
>>83435943>it's just karma for me acting so dismissively towards others toowhat do you mean specifically?>They were almost always just horny too.as in insisting on talking about porn or what?>>83435957>that with isolation at least comes peace, in some sort of wayit's better than OP might think
>>83435954I know who it is. You see the same thread come by every 3-5 months as they shuffle to someone new.
>>83435954No? Not as far as I know, they're not a namefag or anything at least... I wouldn't talk to one in the first place even if they were the nicest person in the world>>83435957I've always had a problem with wanting to have my cake and eat it too. I love being by myself and not having to worry about anyone's judgement, but I crave a lot of attention all at the same time. I wish I could be someone who didn't and never has cared about socializing with others. I used to know someone like that but maybe they were just coping if we were friends in the first place.Anyway. I think that possibly I wouldn't mind being alone if I had anything going on for my life in the outside world, but I'm a neet.>>83435967The conversations would always start normally and remain normal for a long time, but come night they'd almost always start talking about sexual things. I didn't really mind, but it was all they did sometimes. Even though I complained about it and they apologized... I was still just being used I guess. As for the part about karma, I'm not sure what you mean... do bad things and bad things happen to you. I consider not being upfront to someone about disinterest or wanting to cut things off as bad.
>>83435996For several reasons I really doubt that. There are way too many evil people in the world and way too many users here to assume that's possible. If that were to be true though, what were the giveaways to you?
>>83435998>I used to know someone like that but maybe they were just coping if we were friends in the first place.if he was introverted enough to not show much care for socialising then it seems likely>I consider not being upfront to someone about disinterest or wanting to cut things off as bad.I see. That's what I was unsure about.I'm feeling sleepy so I'll call it a day. Tell me good morning, it's 10AM on my end. Wish you to come to terms with solitude.
>>83435998>not having to worry about anyone's judgementyeah, i felt that way for a long time too, but recently i've begun to learn not to care about other people's judgement. no matter what you do, someone will find a way to judge you anyway, so just do what you feel like doing or be how you want to be. i also kinda wish i was a complete hermit though. like those ones you sometimes read about in books or like those monks that live alone forever.>if I had anything going onthat would help surely, but dont underestimate the need humans have for connection. it is still a basic need, so no matter how distracted you are, it'll come biting back eventually.
I didn't think this thread would survive the night, but I'm sure its lost all momentum noe and I'll be archived on my own. In any case>>83436052Sorry... I fell asleep before this. Good morning now I guess but I'm probably too late.>>83436057Wow, thanks... but I'll decline, I just don't think it would be good to try and use someone else as a therapist no matter how compatible we could be or not. Everyone needs time to heal after dealing with this stuff. Also maybe my text is a little bad since I just worke up.>>83436085You're right. I'm also still young, I can't and shouldn't really look into completely focusing my time on not making connections with others, even if more often than not I don't feel a spark at all. In the life meta youth is the time to make connections that you can use in adult life. I can't waste all of them on being alone.
The urge to act unhinged in a random thread O_O
>>83435915can you do it to me and force me to become a tranny? pretty please.
>>83434836Hey anon. I also have my mental breakdowns. I think it just comes with whatever mental illness I was born with. Sometimes I just spiral and think about how I have mo friends and how I will die alone. Obviously, I know the solution is just to reach out people and talk, but my mind keeps ruminating, pondering, worrying about its perceived fear and shame. I like grinding away at a hobby to get the thoughts off my mind.
>>83436698That's terrible to hearSorry I can't say much more
>>83436720Thanks for the sentiment anyway. I like to keep in mind that the feelings are usually temporary. Sure, my life might not be ideal, and I might be extremely lonely, but that doesn't mean my life is completely unenjoyable.
>>83436612its true that there's time to make new friends, though ever dont underestimate how hard it is to do so without having a third place. if you have one, do try your best to make friends from that, and if you dont, then find one suitable asap.>you can use in adult lifeit's important to know many people sure, but keep in mind that genuine relationships are what we really need, not a retinue of 30 random people to talk with occasionally. do your best to find those few genuine ones and then focus on the rest. dont get discouraged when things dont work out like this time, you'll see plenty of disappointment before a success sadly.
>>83434868With a "Nah i'll win" mentality, results be dammned.
>>83435097>I couldn't become her avatarfag even if I wanted to, which I don'ti know i'm necroing the thread but why not? what deters you from forming an identity?
>>83434931do you think it's okay for you to always post cute anime girls with subtle small round boobage? it's not fair to my perverted eyes, and you owe me an apology.
>>83437231Sorry not sorry, since you've implied Ryubence has small breasts.>>83437172It destroys the entire purpose of 4chan for no reason other than attention-seeking. Namefags always say it's to stop people from impersonating them and whatnot but viewing it from an objective standpoint, nobody cares when we're all anonymous, so the prospect of still going ahead and getting a trip or something similar just screams attentionwhore. Anyway again this character just doesn't have a lot of fanart as well>>83436927Like having a third friend group? I mean sure, I have that. If I were to cut the person I originally spoke about out of my life, realistically not much would change maybe aside from my will to live for a month or two. And I'd think about it every now and then and blame myself for being an idiot and hate the person I was talking to all at the same time. I don't know if any of this made sense brw, I'm still taking naps and stuff.Thankfully, I do have someone I could call a close friend (someone who I can confide in and know they have my back). If I didn't I know I would still hurt myself by talking to the one I was talking about for several more months. I guess that at this point, I'm just waiting for them to answer my menhera ramblings before I go away no matter their response. I just don't think it'll be worth it for me to keep feeling this. I always become depressed with the people I like but don't reciprocate my feelings, but this one... they really made it seem like I could tell them how they made me feel all the time, be completely honest about everything, and that hopefully things would get better as they changed but... they clearly just didn't care about me that much. They only liked my attention instead of me. I'm a dummy
I image OP is a woman and I bring her to orgasm gently. Afterwards we're cuddling and she's telling me her sorrows for hours. We do this every day, until her brain his healed from the pain of being ignored. Did I mention that I'm very very lonely?
>>83437392we can tell why you are
>>83437313>It destroys the entire purpose of 4chanis it though? 4chan has always had a name field, i think it's definitely an option. regardless, do you think that's for the best? do you feel like this is the fate you, and we deserve? to be erased after every conversation, to find pointless tangents that will inevitably end?i might be projecting but, i felt like every time i talked with someone, and every time i found a meaningful connection the fact that it would all reset the next day made it feel bitter and pointless. we are no one without our memories, and having to be forgotten every single time made all of my messages feel meaningless. it's not like i believe i'm someone that needs attention, or that deserves to be remembered, but what are we if we don't fight against the indifference of the world?
>>83437313>a third friend groupno, third place means a place where you go that isn't work or home. like a club, school, stuff like that. a community.>I don't know if any of this made senseyes, it did, and i can say im pretty much the same desu. so i get you. also, i know its really tempting to wait for an answer, if you plan to leave them (which you should, btw) then just do so now. dont wait because it will just make things harder, especially if they start apologising and such. just as they don't care enough about you, you have to start to learn not to care about them. you may think it's a bad thing to do, but it's really not. don't be a dummy anymore and do the right thing! you have people who actually care about you, so spend time with them instead.
>>83437475>what are we if we don't fight against the indifference of the world?drama queens, spiritual mission like that can only waste your time
>>83437392Do you niggers really think people get happier from orgasms? Maybe you do. Coombrains have nothing else in life.
>>83437475As many times as I've thought how useless it was to post instead of always lurk, I've never considered attaching a name to my posts to be a solution. It's just the way the site's "culture" works. It's appealing to not have anything to worry about people knowing who you are, on the surface level at least since the jannies will always be able to see your samefagging. All that said though, you do you. It's just not something I'd like to do.>>83437493Ah, then I don't have a third place or even second place, I'm nearly always home. About them... uugh, I can't stop clinging on to hope. It'll most likely all be in vain. Nobody likes having someone constantly ask you to change for them like me, especially if you just don't care about them that much. You're completely right that I should just end this on my own. I'm sort of waiting ar least a day but I don't think they would've appeared today anyway. Fucker... :( this is probably what the women who get with abusechad feel like, whatever the hell abusechad means. Seriously I hate 4chan lingo lol.>>83437587I feel extremely depressed after doing things like that. It's such a hollow pastime when you're alone. Sex doesn't fix anyone.
>>83434836'Bout what? You gotta have a subject. Small talk is for losers and normies.
>>83437648>didn't read the thread award
>>83437659>wants to talk about a mental breakdown alone Wow, what a conversation starter...
>>83437424he who is free of cringe cast the first stone>>83437587worked on my exorigami
>>83437668>exi like actual sex pests because they make at least one difficulty in woman life
>>83437695I surely did in hers that evil witch she was BPD and might have killed herself over it to imagine it fills me with sadistic glee
>>83434836didnt read any of your posts but add me if you want. last night was the worst night iv had in a while and i dont know what to do withmy life anymore. you can vent or vice versa. disc tag is dogoutfit
>>83437711based 60 iq coombrain
>>83437715>you can vent on me>didn't read any of your postsbrick wall-kun...
>>83437738if i read your posts will you add me? =
>>83437754are you looking for orbiters to your e-harem or what?
>>83437762no, i only talked to one girl and she left and i am lonely. why do you assume the worst about me?
>>83437770If you always assume the worst, you'll never be disappointed.
>>83437784the op post says does anyone want to talk to me so i provided an invitation to talk to me. thats it. i didnt realize i did something wrong
>>83437770>why do you assume the worst about me?first thing you did was to proclaim how lazy you are, only to follow up with saying you won't be like that if you get yourself a discord kittensocialy stunted people are lonely for a reason also I'm not OP
>>83437802bro you do not have to justify yourself to medo what is fun to youlove you man
>>83437808i think its more interpersonal to have a 1 on 1 discussion than to read segmented paragraphs interlinked with multiple different conversations at once. yeah but i just want le nudes and discord kitten, nice bad faith
>>83437802>i didnt realizeI can tell>invitation to talk to mewhat do you thing "talking" is? exchanging crying in someone's DM?
>>83437837>interpersonalso interpersonal you didn't bother to read what is the other person saying?
Please don't argue online over this.
>>83437898>I'm almost enjoying my angerbut okay, I'll stop in this thread
>>83437898Sorry OP I derailed your thread.. heheI do care about you though and I read your posts in fullyou have my commiseration for what it's worth
God damn this thread is gay
>>83437587>Cooms in your direction*pew* *pew*
>>83437949Nobody is gay here. This has been a pretty depressing feels-heavy thread.>>83437938How well can you say that to someone with no face? I appreciate it in any case. I don't blame the guy who didn't read my posts at all because frankly I wouldn't have entered a thread like mine in the first place, so I appreciate the people who do things like that, but if I did enter it I would not have offered my Discord to talk to them. I mean this thread has over 90 replies somehow, you can probably guess the OP has already been spoken to plenty. I know I wouldn't have much to add or know how to console them either. (obviously) I don't really know who you are, if you're the polish anon or hu tao anon or all of the above. I also don't know why I said this at all now.
>>83437609>I'm nearly always homei highly suggest you try your best to find at least one place irl with community. you can look it up online and then show up there or something, just do so before youre too old to make friends.>all be in vainconsidering what you've told me, yes, it is. don't sacrifice your own mental sanity for people that treat you this way anon. still, also try to see this experience as a learning experience, more than something awful that had to happen to you. stuff like this kinda teaches you to put value in your time and spend it with people who treat you well desu. i must go but it was nice talking with you. i wish you luck in finding good and genuine friends!
>>83438237Thank you hu tao anon...
Screw it, I need to double post. I keep ruminating on this and I'm afraid of committing to cutting contact with yet another person. I hate when I do this sort of thing so much, it always feels like it's my fault for expecting too much out of them. That was definitely true a few times but my rational side tells me going away is simply the better option here for my mental health, and in the back of my mind I also sort of want this to hurt them. I hate this a lot
>>83434931>They did pop up again, but all they did was talk about what was going on in their life instead of answering anything I had sent them the past few days, and they proceeded to go away again. This is maybe the 4th time this has happened and I started going off, like I've done several times before, about how I wish they would answer my questions and things I said in their absence instead of ignoring them.You're talking to a vulnerable narcissist that's just stringing you along I've seen this happen exactly with vulnerable narcissistsWell and you also sound BPD, obsessed, and needy. Typical for VN and BPD to attract each other and end up like this
>>83438893>like it's my faultSeeing things in some vague "who's at fault?" is not going to solve anything. I think people should drop this kind of moral reasoning, because they're not fit to use it properly.Consider what can you do and what would be the tangible consequences of that.
>>83438932I don't have BPD but I won't deny the rest.>vulnerable narcissistThank you for saying this. It sounded like them at the beginning of this one video I just watched about it and some other research I did, but it kind of lost me midway through. I'm not them though so I don't know, but I couldn't even extrapolate their behavior to fit some of the "symptoms" I saw>>83438965I don't get what you mean
>>83438151Does everything have to have a reason?
>>83439090What part of my post are you wondering this about?
>>83439073>I don't get what you meanIgnoring the guilt.If the person haven't met your expectations then continuing this relationship is not going to do any of you favor. Unless he's just looking for a wall to vent on, but it seems silly to feel obligation to be that wall.
>>83439073>>vulnerable narcissist>Thank you for saying thisIf it makes you feel any better I actually had read the therapist literature on narcs, schizoids, and borderlines, and their typesNot saying you're definitely BPD though. Obsessive and clingy can be possibly just attachment styles. If you're dynamically dramatic like that you could be cluster B though. Just DYOR
>>83439095>I also don't know why I said this at all now.
>>83439158>I actually had read the therapist literature on narcs, schizoids, and borderlines, and their typesare you an actual therapist? some people deal with medical terminology like teenagers deal with alt bands, that is, making something vaguely understood a part of their identity, while actual science might use these words (BPD, narcissist etc.) differently
>>83439174...Yeah, I guess not everything needs a reason. I'd definitely prefer to always make sense or be quiet when I feel like I can't however.>>83439138Ugh, yeah. I know you're right too. I just want to wait a bit more. Let me have this.>>83439158Well, you're not wrong. I have actually been diagnosed somewhere in there and I cringily have been compared to yandere characters before. Doing some more DYORing, this is definitely them. It hurts to see the therapist in the video describe the exact situations I've found myself in while talking to them. I hate myself for falling for false hopes like this again. Giving up love really does seem like the reasonable option honestly. Also I'm afraid my posts have become kind of annoying to read now because I'm so emotional (not crying or anything similar at least) so tell me if I should go take a breather or something.
Also, I'll make sure to draw something like an anon from earlier said, I really do think that could help somehow even if vaguely. I'm not sure where to start but I have to try.
>>83439237>are you an actual therapist?No, I'm actually competent and follow the research to deal with people IRL for real instead of doing some epic grifting like referring every second patient after wasting their money, giving every third patient CBT worksheet slop, and prescribing meds to every fourth patient (I'm literally quoting therapists describing what they're normally doing btw)>>83439287>Also I'm afraid my posts have become kind of annoying to read now because I'm so emotional (not crying or anything similar at least) so tell me if I should go take a breather or something.You're better than gay posts but you should always take breake from 4chan whenever you can lol
>>83439287>so tell me if I should go take a breather or something.being annoying is not a concern, when people can simply close the tabwish you could realize leaving something can be as simple as that
>>83439287>Also I'm afraid my posts have become kind of annoying to read now because I'm so emotionaloh anon you're too insecure about yourself. I haven't been able to keep up with this thread at all because of how busy today has been but I've been reading it on and off and it's been really interesting. these kind of posts are the lifeblood of this board honestly, so, thank you for your openness, and never be afraid to speak your mind. after all, didn't you say that's the one advantage of anonymity?
>>83439305>like an anon from earlier saidI'm still here tbhsmhfan. I'd say, try to draw what you know can "speak" to you. If you don't really know, try to look on some existing pictures, see which make you feel similar to what you're feeling and try to apply similar motives in your own drawing.That's what I did at least. I can't be sure it's going to give any relief to you.
>>83439438 (Me)fuck this, I have an urge to draw something based on OP's descriptions of his mood
My mood is souring rapidly again.>>83439365I know I've been pretty wishy washy the whole thread, but at this point, I'm only waiting for them to tell me something before I go away; no matter if they say they'll change. I know they're not going to be able to fulfill any requests I've made when they can't even do unimportant asks, always giving an excuse or another after saying they'd do it. I got played like a fiddle. I'm listening to All of the Ways by Interpol now, and its lyrics vaguely relate to my situation, except for the apparent part about cucking (I hope).>>83439437Yes, that is one of it's perks, but I've ended up speaking so much it's probably not hard for the person I was talking about to come across this very thread. I hope they're happy. I remember making a joke about making a thread about them someday in that PDA way some people here have done, but to have it be like this is pretty funny and always has been the most likely outcome. Lol.>>83439469Don't take the discovery of whoever this character is from me... I mean, you can, it wouldn't matter. But still
>>83436006The giveaways in the general avoidance and how they only talk about their own life, make promises they never keep, and a few other tells. They only come to you when they want something and their FP isn't available. This board is far smaller and way more insular than you think.
>>83439833Hmm... Don't you have any username to drop here or a hint? Eh
>>83439845They change their name and accounts often, and I know for sure they are reading this thread. You're not the first victim, and you won't be the last.
>>83439438This is all I could really get out. Even then, it feels maybe too... elegant, like it doesn't particularly give off any vibe that this was made for a menhera reason like mine. Maybe that's for the best? I kept thinking about their personality's "features" and how I'd draw them but I do have pure complete aphantasia honestly. If anything it was an interesting exercise.>>83439861Unless you're more specific I'll continue to find it hard to believe there is a supervillain of r9k going around toying with everyone they come across. I've kept things like their gender private out of a vague attempt to still remain a bit anonymous and so have you (my own reasoning for it aside), but you wouldn't have much reason to do that if you were so sure. Generally, it still doesn't sound like we're talking about the same person and I doubt they're reading this.
>>83440099Huh it's unusually coolKeep it saved for a redesign later when you'll get better
>>83439861I kinda wanna be their victim now.
>>83440237You can be my victim retard-kun
>>83435996Just drop the known names. Gotta see if that was the one who dropped me or no
>>83440245what are you gonna do with me
>>83440099Okay. I'm done as well. >it feels maybe too... eleganthonestly dolls in fancy clothes is what I like to draw myself while this one I was trying to get that sense of entrapment you're giving off>I do have pure complete aphantasiasounds impressive that you can design something like this with aphantasia>for a menhera reason like minegood to specify for yourself what this "menhera" is. as I've said, it's supposed to be self-reflective so I'd look in something more basic like how people portray feeling lost, rather than going straight for recreating another Slenderman>>83440099>hard to believe there is a supervillain of r9k going around toying with everyone they come acrosshehe, some divorcees often project bad the traits of their ex-spouse on every other person they meet, so maybe these guys were that much traumatized
>>83439766Still, now that I think about it that sounds eerily similar to the relationships I have. I often change my name, I often leave for... less than optimal reasons, even your current situation aligns... and if it wasn't because of your typing style I'd have genuinely though you were one of my friends... Still, I don't think I've mistreated anyone badly enough to feel as bad as you, and I've always been extremely explicit about others telling me any issues they have in our relationships.Though, coming from a sort of mirror place and seeing how you made a thread about it instead of confronting your friend, if you don't feel comfortable telling them about how they make you feel that's a big point for reconsidering the relationship, but I'm starting to think that them reading this thread is more incidentally intentional than not... anywho
>>83440279Get you addicted to me and then drop you like you're hot
>>83440423sounds amazing?lets do that
>>83440434What gender are you first so I can calibrate myself correctly?
>>83440310What inspired you? I love the composition anon.>sounds impressive that you can design something like this with aphantasiaI realize I usually think in concepts instead of images, and how well I understand them; even if you're not like me I think it helps to always have a frame of reference for how something works that isn't necessarily visual."Menhera" references my unhealthy obsessions in this context. I have no idea how people could portray feeling lost without drawing someone who is literally, physically lost somewhere.>>83440375I won't start on criticizing your behavior since I've done it earlier to someone else. I've actually told this person how badly they hurt me several times, to the point where it was usually the first thing we spoke of whenever they were back. They're the ones who told me to be completely honest like that. I mentioned how they'd often make promises to change that always rung hollow and, ultimately, weren't fulfilled at all.
>>83440556mtf, male to faggot
>>83440575Is faggot a gender now?
>>83440570>What inspired you?I like ribbons. it's quite simple, you're unable to move past that discord person, hence the choking ribbon bondage, and the girl hanging in the air, as if she was in danger if falling, reminds me that you seem to be afraid that something bad will happen if you let go[/sage]/lit/ would call me a pseud for that and this is exactly what this past-time is for, insight>feeling lostthat was just an example, I mean, the more you go back to biological, primitive imaginery the more freedom you have with experimenting instead of fitting into elaborate "aesthetics" that zoomers like these days
>>83440732>[/sage]my downvoting habit just got exposed
>>83440753Good thing the catalog lets people sort by last reply instead of bump order making sage completely worthless.
>>83440570Then you have all the rights to feel the way you do, especially if they've also told you to be honest only for that honestly to be ignored regardless.As for the sudden detachment, it's a complicated topic. I don't necessarily believe it is something malicious or done without regard, I often feel like it's more of a cumulative burnout than anything else. I'm often biased towards interpreting things neutrally though, so forgive me, I don't intend to deny your feelings, I'm just adding an interpretation to the story.What now though? Are you hoping for them to read this thread and realize how much they hurt you? Or do you want to leave them behind?
>>83436671I can do it to you, but I won't force you to ruin your life when you get older. Fantasy is one thing and I can spoil you that way, but you're going to keep your body healthy. *RAPES*What games do you tend to play? Drop contact.>>83435943I find it sweet that you care that much so I wanted to give you some love.
>>83440753Why did you add that there anyway? Were you just copy and pasting something? In any case that's a pretty cool idea behind this; uh, guess I'm glad I could inspire you at least.>>83440858>I don't necessarily believe it is something malicious or done without regardI actually think this is as well. However, consider this: how much does the grip you had on a gun, had your finger accidentally grazed the trigger or you purposefully pulled it, change the fact you still shot someone? The means don't justify the outcome of hurting someone especially when they're so vocal about it. I'm repeating myself at this point but I'm just waiting for them to say something, anything, before I let go of them for good. I can't see things changing or becoming any better, ever.
>>83441125rape isnt love even if you call it that. and care about what?
>>83441147sage and spoiler both start with the same letter and my mind was typing them without me realizing it, I'm on my phoneAnyway good night.
>>83441147I never tried to justify or downplay the effects of their actions, and, if anything, that very unintentionality makes the action even more poignant. A negligent homicide will always hurt more than a first degree murder.Though you're right, it doesn't actually address the victim. I guess it stems from my own interpretation of my actions. To believe that someone would be so severely affected by my withdrawal is essentially to admit that I have the power in the relationship, and that's a very dangerous stance to assume. I've even been told that I have been thought of for every single day since I left and I still have no concrete idea of what to do with that knowledge.I'm digressing though, but honestly there just doesn't seem much left to be said that hasn't probably been said before. I wish you the best, be it in this or in future relationships, and good luck
>>83441274Sleep well, thank you for sticking around (jeez I can't believe this has 140 replies)>>83441316>future relationshipsI doubt I'll find anyone again until the butt-end of 2026. These kind of people are so rare and that's what makes them all the more special to finally come across again... even if I always feel hurt for having so many expectations of them because of that that are always broken. At least I still have a single close friend.
>>83441461If I may, and hopefully, if you haven't answered it before (if so backquote the post pls), what made this person special to you?
>>83441165I can guarantee you rape is love. I will rape you until you love it. Handholding is included in the Correctional Package.And caring about others to the point they impact you like that. That's quite sweet, even though others will call such an individual mentally ill. But that's just a sign of the environment we live in, where nobody cares about anyone.
>>83441316>I've even been told that I have been thought of for every single day since I left and I still have no concrete idea of what to do with that knowledge.Go back to them.
>>83441652But that would be dishonest to myself. If a relationship becomes purely about damage control and about managing how your own actions affect the other's emotional state then it becomes toxic and uninteresting. The only reason to go back to someone shouldn't be their own inability to emotionally live without me, because for as much as I would like to help everyone, I am but another human in the world.
>>83441806So what you actually are, is a selfish narcissist, who discards people when you no longer see any way they can give you warm feelings inside.
>>83441862No. That's just a blatant projection of either someone who wronged you before or an internalized belief that equates your emotional dependency to an external obligation onto your peers. If anything, believing that attaching yourself to another human and thinking that they're obliged to take care of you is the realistically selfish option.Still, flattening people into labels is uninteresting. I've tried many, many times in the past to care for obsessive people, and to get to know them, if only because I knew that while they were obsessed with me they wouldn't get taken advantage of. Thing is, turning relationships into online therapy sessions where you ultimately don't have an impact in the other person's life is draining for both, so I stopped doing it so carelessly. Attachment still occurs, but I'm more seasoned as to how to handle it.Your demeanor doesn't suggest you would be open to it but I encourage you to not try to reduce people to comfortable labels that fit your narrative. You do not know me, don't pretend like you do.
>>83441603I'm not sure if I can answer that in a way deeper than me feeling we had compatible personalities, and at the time it seeming like we reciprocated our feelings for each other and shared the same amount of enjoyment in talking, even if that person would still have to take breaks every now and then because their life was just so turbulent. There isn't much of a way I could go on about this without basically also describing myself in the process. Also, does it feel like I meander a lot in my answers or am too vague? My thoughts about certain things just literally have not developed yet so you're probably right in feeling that way. I can't type well at all today I don't think. Also I took a nap and I may still have brain fog. Basically I'm trying to say my answers earlier were more productive/insightful and I don't think they are that way anymore for whatever reason, maybe just the length of this thread at this point. Wish I could be more entertaining again. Maybe you should read back on what you missed if you're the anon who said they couldn't keep up and I answered you better. Maybe here? >>83435720>>83441862I don't think it's good to try and remedy relationships that simply didn't work and have had that much baggage attached to them, no matter how many years have passed. Sometimes it really is better to let go anon. Sure, reconnecting for a bit could be fun, but trying to rekindle the same ups of a previous connection and thinking it magically won't have any of its downs again is just wishful thinking.
I've realized now, my brain was foggy and my arms shaky. My answers probably sucked but I don't want to read back on what I wrote, just hope they were understandable.
>>83441461What kind of person are you looking for in a relationship?
>>83443258Sorry for the late answer I'm juggling a few things now. Well. I'm not a normie or anything I think since I'm such a weeb with many niche interests and hobbies, but regrettably, on a surface level I do fall into the quirk chungus spectrum of modern couples, so obviously the people I fall for are far more laid back than I am, and I believe its been proven that being with this type of person, who can "take the heat" of dealing with someone as unstable/obsessed as I am is the best fit for me... I just need to find one who doesn't end up doing silly things like the disappearing acts. I'd still massively prefer if this person had things going for themselves instead of just living life (I'm not really one to talk at the moment, but still) I think. That's about it. Someone who can be there emotionally and be their own person to hang out and do fun things with.
>>83443486do you play any games or anything else and want friends who arent someone to obsess over?
>>83443486>who can "take the heat" of dealing with someone as unstable/obsessed as I am is the best fit for meHi you can obsess over m->I'd still massively prefer if this person had things going for themselvesI'll just show myself the door then, no need to get up
This is troubling...>>83443510If by games you mean online ones then I don't; I seem to mostly stick to JRPGs but I'll play anything with monster girls or witches in it. Though I didn't plan to in the first place, if I were to post a Discord tag here it'd be a death sentence to all anonymity, even if it's massively fragile already.>>83443548Good for you. I'm not trying to use this thread as a dating app or a... (something) list, I forgot. I doubt I'd have much in common with the average r9k poster anyway even if I am a khhv, I'm not "chuddy," whatever that means to you, at all.
>>83443486>I just need to find one who doesn't end up doing silly things like the disappearing acts.I feel like I've had a lot of people disappear on me. Oh well. How do you usually meet people? I have no idea how it works...>>83443510>>83443654Do you guys like playing multiplayer games over Discord? I feel like it's too much effort for me sometimes.
>>83443654>Good for youWhat was good for me?>with the average r9k poster anyway even if I am a khhv, I'm not "chuddy,"I'm not chuddy either for any definition of the word and I don't click well with most robots. I don't know if I could be ok with a guy obsessing over me though. Mostly just replied because I like posting things with that format.
>>83443684I don't like playing any multiplayer game unless it's a rare occasion with someone I like. The "culture" for popular ones like most FPS are too toxic so I dislike those kinds of games as well as fighting games. Single-player is king.As for how I meet people, they're always suddenly dropped into my life. I'm not sure how it happens because you can't be putting a conscious effort into things like this (unless you're trying to get into a community or something) because you'll just disappoint yourself for most likely failing...>>83443714>What was good for me?Not embarrassing yourself by doing a 360 and walking away. Also, bold of you to assume you could be the one... not that it's prestigious or anything. It's suffering.
>>83443777Nice trips!!>I don't like playing any multiplayer game unless it's a rare occasion with someone I like.Hmm, I don't hate multiplayer games, but I understand what you mean.>I'm not sure how it happens because you can't be putting a conscious effort into things like this (unless you're trying to get into a community or something) because you'll just disappoint yourself for most likely failing...You know, maybe I should just let things happen to me... I think things like that happen to me too. Either life gives me someone I like or it doesn't. I never find anything when I go searching.But I don't think you're completely passive in life, right? Do you go to events and stuff where you meet people?
>>83443792Image was forgotten...
>>83443777>Not embarrassing yourself by doing a 360 and walking awayI embarrass myself on the daily to the point that dodging it doesn't even register. You should see my absolute indifference walking around looking like a raving lunatic. >bold of you to assume you could be the oneI am the one. Your one and only. And oh so lonely. I don't know man. You don't know neither. Maybe I could be the one. What's a one even look like?
>>83443803You don't have the right O you don't have the right. A one usually looks like... hmm, a person who you immediately click with and talk a lot with not out of boredom. In my experience no successful relationship has started with you just not really "feeling" the person, whatever that means to you.>>83443792No, I don't go any place like that. I'm a hikikomori except for the times I'm not and do things like take walks for no particular reason or go buy stuff... sometimes it's okay to be passive in life and let things come your way, but you need to be proactive to achieve whatever it is you'd like to at least and work towards it on a day to day basis every day, even if in small ways. I have been failing at this lately, I'll decide to blame it on my terrible emotional state lately. At least I have a friend who usually "badgers" me to go do said things even during times like these.
>>83443887I've got the might and I got the right and I just might put my sights on you ohhhh all rightDamn dude, I don't think I've ever instantly clicked with anyone. Usually takes a few hours to warm up. I definitely meet a lot of people that I instantly don't like though. I miss having someone that I could just talk to. So hard to find. So hard to keep. The ephemeral nature of the internet really makes it so difficult.NTA but>hikki>buy stuffWhere are you getting money from? I've been hikki my whole life and money is not a renewable resource for me.
>>83443907Yeah... the amount of people I immediately knew I wouldn't vibe with or outright dislike has been far greater than the ones who I liked, especially intensely. And even then, sometimes, stop talking to them for a few days (mostly due to a lack of topic) and they unfriend you immediately. It's pretty sad how we're all so mentally unstable these days.>Where are you getting money from?I ask my parents for money to go get food and they give me it. I swear I am not underage btw
>>83444003I would say maybe 95+% of people seem awful when I start talking to them. It's very hard to find anyone. I rarely like anyone intensely even if I end up liking them a little. Getting ghosted sucks though. I usually try to poke at someone a few times and give them a few weeks before writing them off. I'm very mentally ill but mostly stable at least.>ask parents for moneyI wish I could do that, life would be so much easier.
I'm trying really hard to avoid breaking down again so soon. It's getting a bit hard. I can't explain why because it'd be dangerous to do so right now but I might just become insane again.>>83444044>>83444044Really, awful? Mayb your standards are a bit high. I usuallycan tell when myself and someone I just met are probably not becoming long-term friends but can talk for whatever reason anytime. What's the type of person you click with eventually then?
>>83444127>Really, awful?I mean awful for me to talk to, not that they're bad people. My standards aren't really high, it's just that I prefer being alone over talking to most people. The type of person I click with is usually fairly emotional, a little (or a lot) chaotic, talkative but maybe kind of awkward, caustic, but not evil. Usually they're the type of person that finds it easy to meet people, but very difficult to get them to stay. I think I just described borderline personality disorder.
>>83444170Lol... yes
I think I need some time on the rooftop again
>>83444176I don't know why, but pretty much every person I've really enjoyed being around in the last mumble mumble years of life fit that profile really well. I'm not going to question it too hard, but if I had to take a guess I'd say my absolute lack of energy mixes really well with that kind of person.
>>83444184if you're up on the rooftop, then you've nothing to lose by speaking your mind. insanity gets worse when you let it bounce around in your mind alone. what's wrong?
There's some loud rave going on somewhere. At least they're having some fun.>>83444189Speaking from personal experience, for those pepple to o obsess with you need *somethin* that makes you special to them. It could be the unique way you express yourself or your worldviews, things loke thay that may dwwl insignificant but are very important to them>>83444191Well, I basically got confirmation nothing would change and that nothing would get better. It wasn't mean spirited it wasn't explosive. Just the way things are. I decided to ignore that red flag this time since they described something I'd done before while telling me, but if people are warning you about how mentally ill they are and how they arent ready for a relationship because of it, just pack it up or look to become friends. Youre not winning. Don't be stupid like me... its for the best. Don't cling on to hope. Its destined to fail. Don't think of yourself as some kind of hopeless romantic its useless
>>83444234>>83444189Right sk what's your special thing
>>83444234>you need *somethin* that makes you special to themUsually that's time, proximity, and radical acceptance. I don't get spooked by much, so whatever insane things they confide in me never get a negative reaction. I only talk to a single person at a time too, so they get a full monopoly on me. That really appeals to some people.
>>83444234do you not also have confirmation though, that things won't be worse? you have a delicate equilibrium. romanticism may pass but you still have someone there, no?
>>83444241>>83444254I'll add that I also tend to be happy to talk about whatever they want to talk about (even if that means talking about their personal problems all day long). It makes for a very "safe" relationship where they can control the intensity and subjects of discussion pretty easily.
>>83444273The longer I entertain keeping them around the worse things will become for me. I'll just withdraw and hope they do the same as neither of us want to block the other. They say it's just the way they are; I don't believe that for a second. Youu can't struggle with being online if you call yourself terminally online? i know I'm just looking for low quality bad faith excuses to be angry now, but really im more hollow than anything. my biggest mistakes always involve love. i hate myself.>>83444282 Hm okay. What sort of thing do you like to do though? I assume radical acceptance means you don't care if someone's talking to you about killing all jews or something like that. I would find that very mentally taxing... as a mentally taxing person myself.
>>83444340>What sort of thing do you like to do though?The typical: weeb stuff, vidya, computer stuff, cinema. I can be interested in a lot of different subjects though. >I would find that very mentally taxingI've been lucky and not encountered anyone like that. I really only talk to women, platonically or otherwise, and they tend to be less extremist than men in my experience. I meant more like accepting whatever they do or have done, being ok with their mental disorders and malignant thought patterns. Some of these people have been through horrible things and cope with it in unsavory ways, but that doesn't really bother me. All that really taxes me is if they try to get past my defenses too fast, if they push to vc or trade pictures I'll get uncomfortable quickly for example.
back down from the rooftop>>83444391I was trying to be this way with the person I was talking to but it was just a trap. It's a way to take advantage of you for being empathetic...
>>83444492and to use it against you... do you ever end up confiding in them too? its another way theyll get you . im not really talking about women here by the way, ive seen this sort of behavior from all sorts of people
>>83444492>It's a way to take advantage of youThat surprisingly hasn't really happened to me, but my expectations are probably different from yours. >>83444504I never confide in anyone and I don't really want to. When I'm more comfortable with someone I'll tell them more personal things or exchange pictures, but that's never been used against me. I don't know if I'm been lucky or if I'm surprisingly good at picking people.
>>83444513How old are you? That might explain things
>>83444528How do you think age would explain it? I'm mid/late thirties.
>>83444538It explained it. You're too experienced to be fooled, unlike me... sorry for the more "whatever" posts now. I know I was probably being far more interesting earlier, but my mind is dead right now for several reasons. And to think the next day and the day after that are just gonna be filled by these same dumb feelings for the foreseeable future too... I should have backed out so many times before
>>83444562I suppose age grants some level of wisdom even if it doesn't feel that way. You shouldn't apologize for posts on 4chan. As long as you're writing coherent English you're doing great. Maybe you should try sleeping instead of ruminating though. That usually helps me anyway.
>>83444562interesting people make interesting posts. you're welcome to come back and process it as much as you need. how long has it been going on for in your case?
>>83444577>how long has it been going on for in your case?What is "it"?
>>83444589your situation you're in..
look at ryubence. isnt she just so cute?>>83444602It'll sound absolutely pathetic but only nearly 2 months. Ir's always these very intese connections that fizzle oiut the fastest. As we spoke I felt filled by love and care for the world, actively noticing myself treating others better and not letting things that usually hold me back continue to do so but now I just want to disappear, knowing it was all a lie again. For some people, love fixes them while for others it destroys them. I somehow embody both ends of the spectrum here. I realize I was dumb and realize I willingly ignored red flags I previously made myself aware of again and still tried to do it because of just how much i crave for companionship.
>>83444637i don't think it's that pathetic. the flame that burns twice as bright lasts half as long.. 2 months is around that sort of honeymoon phase or whirlwind period.. having someone in your life can fill you with a lot of motivation and make you far more energized to do a lot of things. you were a human chasing human things. don't bully yourself so much.
>>83444705It's hard not to. I ignored all my previous knowledge on this sort of dead-end friendship again. All because for once I finally felt like I was having my feelings reciprocated... yet slowly every one of that person's words began to sound hollow and they kept going away and coming back, away and coming back. Their demeanor didn't change, but maybe I was just starting to see the cracks already. I'd ask them to do something for me, it was never fulfilled; all while I bent myself over backwards to please them however I could. The worst type of idiot is the one who knows when they're being one. The one who's aware of their foolishness and continued being someone's plaything. The biggest issue is that this time I really could have seen myself dating this person. Now I know I'll just be extra emotionally vulnerable for who knows how long, and keep doing bad things to myself just to feel something. I just wish I could meet someone who couldn't be evil like this. Unintentionally evil. Or maybe it was intentional. They keep saying it wasn't but I cam barely believe a word they say now. I'm still just a dummy.
The biggest dummy of them all
>>83444745you were lonely, desperate, and vulnerable. you weren't dumb, you were hopeful, you called on all your inner strength to try and make things improve. nobody is evil here, that's just how different slices of people can be. you're a victim of the same loneliness and craving for companionship that afflicts a lot of us here on this board, in the world.
A big fat piece of garbage dummy
>>83444778You're right. I belive giving up on love as a whole is the only plausible solution here frankly. People suck too hard sometimes, myself included, do we should all just stop ourselves from getting curbstomped over stuff like this. I say this knowing it should be the truth but I know i won't follow it. My heart is just going to wait for another person it can latch on to like a disgusting parasite, only to have it killed by that person's white blood cells ie their unique way of failing things. Will I ever even have an obsession of mine reciprocate my feelings ever again? I know this time it was just a gross mockery of reciprocating them butnI bet next time and beyond will just be the usual where they've never reciprocated anything and in fact I was most likely creeping them out a lot or they didnt like me all that much in the first place . I just continued being a nuisance. At least I got the message there.
>>83442389That's a completely fair assessment, and it wasn't for nothing, you do seem like an interesting person to get to know, but I think many people here have already demonstrated that feeling. If anything, while it is true that I'd have liked some specificity and I would have liked for you to talk about yourself as well.> Also, does it feel like I meander a lot in my answers or am too vague?Is it really on me to decide that? I feel like, again, you're too insecure of yourself. This is your thread and people who ask you stuff should always expect to play by your rules. I know that you're probably somewhat of a people pleaser, or at the very least someone aware of themselves and their own shortcomings so you probably try to remedy them, but if you're to learn anything about this surprisingly long thread is that you should allow yourself to be suboptimal and to be comfortable every once in a while. It's fine, you don't owe any of us anything.Also, I don't know of you slept, or if you sleep at all, or something else entirely, but I did, so good morning and I hope you feel better today ^^
yearning niggas smell blood in the water
>>83441125>I can do it to you, but I won't force you to ruin your life when you get older. Fantasy is one thing and I can spoil you that way, but you're going to keep your body healthy. *RAPES*thats the fun part though?
>>83444967I can't tell if this is about me or the people reading the thread>>83444934Good morning. Sometimes sleep is the best remedy for a mental reset... to me, it's basically useless to sleep while listening to something, I've never noticed I retained any sort of information from whatever it is I was watching before hitting the hay. More so passing out. Yes, I suppose you're right. If this thread went on for this long it probably means I did something right. Or something very, very wrong depending on how you view it , so im glad people could come to it and I guess be entertained for long enough even if I was just being mentally ill a lot. I think people have a fascination with the more obsessive types too? I won't deny that aspect of myself. I don't know. This reply of mine is fairly useless. Maybe I could try just relaxing today. It's not like I'll have much else to look forward to for a good while, a few things have been turbulent in my real life also, so I'm in a pretty dreadful state whenever I type posts like this for too long
>>83445699>I think people have a fascination with the more obsessive types too?I find it presumptuous if not a little funny that when these types of thread happen, a few people can so confidently assume that they can be "the next one" like it's something really desirable and not just pressuring? Like you won't be walking on eggshells to not step out of this person's extremely vague and ever-changing sense that they're being mistreated in some type of way. >>83444934Did you wish I had said something specific about myself? If so, what?
>>83445699Indeed. I think our human condition is a blessing in disguise, because we'll always have a positive state to fall back to. We'll be able to sleep, to eat, to have sex... They will never fix anything on their own, but they act as buffers that allow us to at least have something pleasurable to do.And yes, I think you're right on the money. People here are mostly male, mostly desperate, so when a post like this appears, most of them see what you're signaling (vulnerability, obsession, insecurity), then project a female identity onto you and become interested in their interpretation of your persona, not necessarily in yourself. That coupled with the nature of your woes, that being loss of a friend and desire for connection essentially puts yourself as an empty parking spot that others who have been circling around for years desperately want to fill.I'm not saying that's everyone here but it's definitely the path of least resistance.Regardless, don't feel obligated to reply to me or anyone else if it just keeps you circling around the same dead end problem. I hope you have a nice and relaxing day, and please drink water and take care of yourself. You're lovely to talk to.
>>83445785I find it interesting how despite being unofficially known as the "incel board," the average r9k user I've met was either extremely boring or unlikable to an immense degree. It's only on threads themselves that I'll find interestimg/pleasant users to talk to. And yeah, I've recognized long ago that since this is an anonymous place, it's impossible to actually like a poster here for who they actually are and not just the silly headcanon of them you have in your head. I'm not forcing myself to reply to anything, I'm doing it more out of habit at this point and it helps sedate me a little, since I prefer to focus on writing in a way that makes sense (except when I don't)
>>83445853[...] instead of having any feelings
I'm sure they'll just unfriend me eventually. But for the time being, we're both too cowardly to block each other. Ill just do my best to not talk to them and see where things go. I've experienced way too much hurt these past 2 months honestly. For several reasons. I never know where my life is going when things like this happen. I think about all the important losses ive had and I can't even cry now. Im just a hollow person always looking for "the next best" e.g. a new person to attach myself to and try to take aspects of their personalities for myself like the literal definition of a copycat. I know everybody is influenced by others to a certain degree, but apparently what i have basically makes me have nothing on for myself, and im an information sponge that loves sucking people dry of their life experiences and viewpoints on things. Its my largest obsession. I've already internalized some of this person's aspects for myself. Yet I still don't feel like I'm not being myself, since there is no "me" to be spoken of in the first place. I'm also bored in my bed and writing to this like it's a diary at this point. I've been doing that for the past few days. I think this sort of behavior goes to show...something. Something bad. I don't know what it is yet, it always takes a long time before I'm able to formulate my own opinions on things. Several reevaluations, overthinking, researching. That's just what I do... research. Look at Ryubence, the character I have attached to most of my posts until now. She is fairly emotionless. I wonder how things would be if I were to become infatuated with someone like her? Maybe that would allow me to be more of my own person since I wouldn't have someone else to sap the very way I act from? When I become a copycat, I notice it's often because the copied person has failed to leave my mind, and my way of getting more of them is by acting like them. How did that saying go again? Plagiarism is the highest form of praise, I think?
>>83445853Isn't that consequential? What in your mind correlates incels with interesting people? Isn't their own inability to find a partner an indirect allusion to the fact that they're usually people simply not worth spending time with?That's exactly what I meant with anonymity last time as well. People have nothing to lose by just dumping their burner discord account on random threads over and over, or doing any kind of behavior that could be filtered if they were identifiable. At the end of the day, avfagging is really just a way to symbolize that you're taking accountability and continuity for your actions. That can go well, like how hutanon is generally well liked and recognized, or wrong, like how chickn is generally hated. But in my opinion it's a billion times better than any other one off post.>>83446088You have time, don't worry. You have so, so much time to figure out who you are, what you want, and what you want to be. You have time to undo and redo relationships, to succeed and to fail, to feel great and to feel empty. Don't try to force yourself to come to a resolution, or try to dismantle your whole self all at once. Take it slow and just focus on yourself for a bit. Seeing how reflective you are though, I'm absolutely certain that whatever self you have now is much more refined and complete than you realize now. But again, don't think too decisively about it. You're doing fine.
>>83446238I appreciate your company, but you don't have to babysit me or anything if you don't want to anon. You're right, I shouldn't conflate being an incel with being an interesting person, but to know of the term and call yourself one... surely I'd expect something more from you as a person though. However. I've come across a bunch of people here who were the most generic type of person you can imagine, the kind that likes long walks on the beach and works a 9-5, drinks with friends etc. Even some married, which is... lol. I think some of them definitely put up airs of being super down to earth and easy to talk to in order to try and capture menhera delulus like me, but end up coming across as the most boring person to have ever lived instead.I hear your points but I suppose it's just something I can't het behind, the whole trying to "be" someone in a chan site. I'm glad people like hu tao anon and hate chickn, but neither of them necessarily needed to end up this way, heh.I assume being reflective is a flowery way to describe my copying tendencies? If so, I'd say my problem is finding it easy to lose track of who I want to be often. My neighbor is playing the piano right now so I feel pretty pleasant... (halo pops above my head)I have a vague idea of who I am and what I want to be, again I only find it easy to lose track of it and waste my time with things I shouldn't. Like being on 4chan at all, frankly. When I'm around I always stay for way too long and don't focus on anything else. Bleh.
>>83446385Oh don't even worry about it, it's my choice to stay here after all.>surely I'd expect something more from you as a personbut why? what exactly do you treat in incels and interesting people as synonymous? Their reclusion?>long walks on the beach and works a 9-5, drinks with friends etc. I wonder then, why are you seeking novelty so strongly? None of those traits are conventionally bad or even necessarily boring, so what exactly are you looking for?I'm sorry if they come off as preachy, I'm not trying to convince you of avfagging or anything of the sort. I was just trying to show that its not always about attention whoring, and that adhering to a site's culture is mostly arbitrary than anything else.If your problem is keeping track of yourself then if you may, tell me, what do you like about living? What do you like to do, would you like to do, or would you like to be?One of those things is clearly musiczl, which I actually find really endearing. I've been meaning to play the piano at home as well but I always wondered if id annoy the neighbors, I never imagined they'd actually like it as you do.
>>83446670I find myself interesting enough sometimes and am here, and the usual posters here usually sound interesting themselves so... why wouldn't I expect the people I add from here to be the same? People who bother to do that seem to usually be lurkers.>why are you seeking novelty so strongly?I didn't mean to make it sound that way but it's not about novelty. I know those people are perfectly fine but I know that generally liking any of those things means we're not going to have even remotely similar interests 9.5 times out of 10. Don't worry about avatarfagging by the way, I assume you do it and it's not like I actively hate them or anything lol, I just don't get it even though I've been doing it this thread. Same with namefags.>what do you like about living?Not to be edgy, but not much I can think of frankly. It's not living itself that I like, but it's fun to spend my time focusing on my random strong interests.>What do you like to do, would you like to do, or would you like to be?I like to draw (I've posted something I made ITT as per an anon's request) and that's about it for creative hobbies, otherwise I watch anime and random stuff on YouTube all the time or listen to music. I'm not quite sure what I'd like to be, but I want to be popular for a positive reason someday. That's everyone though.>I never imagined they'd actually like it as you doIf it's a classical, pleasant piece like the one she was playing then you'd have to be a pretty unhappy person to hate it. Far better than the rave music going on yesterday. I'm not well-versed in classical music at all but I have an interest in singing and/or learning an instrument.
>>83447084About my neighbor, someone started playing some loud as hell song on speakers right as she was playing. That must've been annoying.
>>83444825it's not as if giving up on love is the only option either.. but that's because i'm an idiot idealistic romanticist like yourself. it's just very hard for people like us to find people we both connect to and connect with us.. and that's demoralizing. i don't blame you for being as you are.>>83444967birds of a feather flock together, rather.>>83445785>We'll be able to sleep, to eatthe first two maybe, but the next one kind of requires.. something that everyone is failing to have and struggling to find.the parking lot analogy is interesting. not only do you like good food but you've got a great analytical mindset.>>83445853i would say that a part of it is those who put larger efforts into posts and replies like yourself, and i want to think myself, are typically antisocial and introverted, borderline avoidant, until we can trust and open up to people. so the types of which you are similar to.. are not the types typically adding people on the board, you know?we stick to the threads.>>83446088it's sad to see that you think it must be either all-or-nothing. even if its not everything you want, isn't still someone you can trust, confide in, and have been open to -- something to maintain and keep? must everything be borne of potential romance?>I think this sort of behavior goes to show...somethingthat you're a lonely. don't read far too much into it otherwise. we all degrade and question ourselves like this when we're far, far too isolated from having anything or anyone to which we can call our home.
>>83447450>birds of a feather flock together, rather.I still don't get it.>typically antisocial and introverted, borderline avoidantHm... true. That's why it feels so relieving to finally find someone who you feel you can easily open up to. Not so much when they use it against you though. Thankfully this is not something I've experienced, but I've dealt it to some people in the past during another breakdown regrettably, but it's impossible to always do the right thing anyway, especially when you get overly emotional...>must everything be borne of potential romance?Yes. And if things don't work out in that way, I lose any and all interest in that person eventually. I simply do not have a want to be friends with someone who rejected me, regardless of if I've actually confessed. I'm not going to subject myself to that sort of thing. Usually, the other person just didn't care about me as much as I cared about them, but this specific instance, that began the thread, it wasn't only that but they figured I was an information sponge, then used me to dump all their insecurities into and get sexual shortly after. Then they'd go away for days on end and come back saying they were off doing things that obviously would not get them off the internet for even a single day. Be it an unintentional action or not (which is hard to be when I told them several times what they did hurt me) this is simply not grounds for a friendship I'd like to keep if I get nothing out of it.>you're a lonelyYes. And now I'll be depressed for months on end without doing anything with myself again, thinking about all that's happened. I'm way too defeatist when it comes to this, since I've proven myself right again and again.
>>83447084Because of two reasons, the first being you only really notice/remember the interesting posts and not the 90% of slop that goes through to page 11, and also because posts are deliberate. If you have 10 people posting one interesting thing a day for 10 days, from the outside it looks like an interesting post a day, but each person individually really only has 1 interesting day then 9 "boring" days, if that makes sense. The poster itself is the filter for content to some extent, and you're only seeing what they decide to show you. Jumping from that to a completely live and unfiltered space like say a discord dm can only be understandably jarring and... disappointing.>t's not living itself that I like, but it's fun to spend my time focusing on my random strong interests.That's what we call living, really. Art is a fantastic choice if I do say so myself, I also love drawing and I'm currently banging myself against the wall because I can't right now... hopefully soon though. Singing and playing an instrument are also incredibly beautiful. For as far as it goes, you have really good taste in hobbies (totally not biased btw)>>83447450Oh, you flatter me anon, thank you.On sex, it wasn't meant to be purely referential, but its entire ecosystem as well. Relationships, attachments, fictional characters, attraction, masturbation, identification, the entire sociological area of the brain. We post our characters because they bring us comfort, after all, and that's fine.
>>83447966That's actually such a good point I don't have much to say about it.>totally not biased btwAre those things you're interested in yourself? Or do they just mean something special to you? Both?
>>83448019>That's actually such a good point I don't have much to say about it.If only I didn't hear this every other day...>Both?Both. I'm completely enthralled by art as both concept and practice, and one of my lifelong ambitions has always been to excel at all the major arts (art (visual), music and writing). I'm currently skewed towards art (visual) since it's the one that personally speaks to me the most but I've been trying to make strides in the others as well, trying to compose small melodies and writing short stories. I would also like to create my own media some day. I do somewhat envy the cult status of good fiction in current discourse, and I wish to someday have a piece that will be worthy of public introspection.Also, asa complete tangent, I genuinely admire your capacity for writing such long replies on mobile. I'm hardly keeping my composure just trying to rid my message of typos, this has to be a form of torture in some country.
>>83448276I've been changing in and out of PC and mobile, not because I'm doing anything interesting, but just based on how mentally ill or not I feel during a particular moment. The longer posts are usually typed on PC but there are a good few on mobile as well. I usually would stay in my room all day, but I'm sick and the draft has been especially strong and cold, forcing me to stay inside with nothing but a fan turned on. *That's* mental torture, not typing something longer than usual. That allows me to ride back into the main topic somewhat though, since I'm accustomed to writing long texts on both computer and phone a near equal amount, if not for all the cringy fanfictions I'd write when I was younger. A lot of people are becoming visual artists thse day, make sure you stand out in a positive way! I hope it all goes well for you. I've tried composing before as well and while I do think I may have a knack for it maybe, it's too much work to learn when I've focused so hard on drawing and writing my entire life.>the cult status of good fiction in current discourseAny examples/recommendations?
it's so refreshing to see such genuine and thoughtful replies on this boardevery nice anon itt deserves a big hugthis thread restored my faith in my humanity every so slightly
>>83449060We love you hu tao anon
I am chickn and who is this mfer namedropping me he namedropped me two times like he be knowing me but he probably talked to me for two minutes and then blocked meWHO ARE YOU PEOPLE
Oh huh? Must have been the wind.>>83449060I'm glad this thread managed to inspire you so hu tao anon.
>>83448445There are 8 billion people in the world, standing out isn't really a solution per se... but thank you :>I'd love to read your fanfics honestly... I'm a sucker for any kind of personal expression, I just find it incredibly interesting and just something to respect. Also, it is true that it's very taxing to develop all three, so I hope you also reach a point where you feel fulfilled with your craft.>examplesthe usual denpa stuff really, mostly japanese vns like saya no uta, subahibi, or other lore/story heavy SEA games like fromsoft entries, the nier series and library of ruina
What the hell happened why did everyone spawn all of the sudden>>83449060You inspired me to become an avfag honestly, I couldn't stand having my efforts be swept away by the waves of anonimity anymore, thank you for all of the effort you put in here everyday >>83449221I honestly have no idea of your person I just know you're not well received in here. I don't like dismissing people off labels, I was just wrongly using you to prove a point. Apologies.
>>83449340I just had time to finally reply to the namedrops, I was talking about OP who namedropped me more than once. Idk who you are either as 4chan is anonymous And op ignored me so it makes me think correctly that he talked to me for less than a day and then blocked me and thinks he's hot shit for being disrespectful Terminally online men are always the worst offenders
>>83449144and i love every anon back!>>83449285im glad people like you exist! and im glad talking with everyone helped you feel a bit better at least when you're here. it takes effort and time to heal from these kinds of happenings, so be kind to yourself. and, like i said before, dont delay on doing what you have to do you dum.>>83449340it makes me happy to know i could inspire others somehow! thanks for being such a thoughtful and nice person anon. i see your replies often (at least i think i do?) and they're always lovely to read
>>83449300The fanfiction is all gone, but they were all things you could probably expect a kid to make. Namely the most embarrassing ones were an Undertale shipfic, and the other a Five Nights at Freddy's ecchi sort of thing (the characters were human). Extremely dumb stuff I know, but again I was a kid. Thankfully I wiped them all off the internet, and they weren't in English anyway. You couldn't have enjoyed them even if you wanted to... I'm sorry. I'd say that much like you, my main focus when it comes to creative hobbies is visual arts; I'm still interested in music someday though, just don't see it happening any time soon. I've focused too much of my time drawing and I think that because of that, it doesn't even feel super enjoyable anymore. I need to come up with new fun ideas of what to draw, like the one an anon from earlier suggested earlier ASAP.>examplesThose are all things I'm familiar with, and all things that have inspired me in the past. I'm not any kind of prolific author, but I have published a few things (online) outside of those fanfics, so I can be glad for those at least.>>83449453I'm still surprised that this became the most replied to thread outside of generals here. I guess I can feel slightly proud...? Nah. I was just whining the whole time. But thankfully a few very nice anons were here to help me take my mind off things (even though I was actively describing them, don't think too much about it) even if only for a bit. Usually I'd try to do it with people I actually know but I'm aware I'm way too bitter about relationship stuff to want to bother any of them with it, but as I was saying, I'd say just talking to a bunch of people, be it about my issues or not really helps you move on quicker. Obviously I still haven't, but I'm not terribly hung up on it either. I'm sure my mind will just lock this experience away and make it feel like I'm reading someone else's messages if I were to read back on me and that person's DMs...nice job brain
>>83449593>I'm way too bitter about relationship stuffhm, what do you mean? are you scared you'll come off as passive-aggressive somehow towards them? besides, what good are friends if you cant talk to them in your hour of need? but i get not wanting to bother people, i feel that way aswell. just try to keep in mind that many would be happy to help, as you've seen in this thread>if I were to read backand there's a (relatively) easy solution to that: delete those. you'll simply never move on otherwise if you're anything like me, which i believe you are. really, letting go more often than not hurts less than holding on. dont trust your own brain when it comes to feelings desu. he's always gonna be wrong and do stupid things.
>>83449754I don't know what you're like, but I just enjoy nostalgic throwbacks. However I actively avoid things like being lovey dovey with someone and only look for the funny moments like all Family Guy fans do (family guy funny moments). I know looking at those would probably make me sad. Probably. I haven't done it so I don't know. I'm sorry to hear if you do this though.>what do you mean?It's pretty awkward to do so, therefore I dislike trauma dumping/venting to anybody I haven't really ever spoken to in a serious manner before. Not everybody needs to worry about me in that way, it's a big hassle for everyone involved. I accidentally did that to someone over my recent breakdown and I feel pretty bad to see them checking up on me every few hours like I'm on suicide watch... I've done bad things impulsively before, but I wouldn't ever actually kill myself despite how often I seriously consider it.That said, take care during the holiday season as usual. I used to not get this but this year I really do.
>>83450012>nostalgic throwbacksodd way to describe that i guess... does nostalgia actually make you feel anything other than melancholy? but yeah, im just making an assumption based on what i read in the thread about you (which i can relate to a lot), perhaps i might be wrong. but im confident that ruminating on old chats wont do you much good.>to anybody I haven't really ever spoken to in a serious mannerhmmm, and yet you're here doing just that no? you can say it's different since we're all anons and sure, it is to an extent. but you still need that kind of reassurance you get from familiar faces and people you care about aswell. otherwise i don't think this thread would've lived this long if you didnt care much.>I feel pretty bad to see them checking up on mei do too when i make some slightly too unnerving comments about myself and people get paranoid, but do try in keep in mind it only means they care. which is good! dont feel bad, try to explain to them you appreciate them worrying about you but might just need some time alone. or, that you kinda went overboard and there's no need to worry so much.>take care during the holiday seasonill do my best, you take care too anone. are you going to spend christmas with your family? i hope it's not too draining.
>>83449453You probably haven't since it's been a bit since my last time on this board... If it helps paint a picture I'm the anon that recommended you teto songs, was making an altchan, drew you a picture once and other misc stuff, again, if any of that rings a bell. Thank you too as well :>>>83449593I really do wonder what was it about games like FNAF and Undertale that had so many children just infatuated with it...I can't believe the day is coming to a close already... I've spent all day here. Thank you for keeping me company, and in case the thread isn't up by tomorrow I wish you good new year and a good life as well.Goodnight, anons. May you sleep well when you do so.
>>83450418oh but im sure i saw the character in your picrel a couple times before... and hold on, it's you anon?? hello! yeah i do remember you, how could i not?! the drawing you made for me was soooo amazing and i love it so much so thank you!!! and you've always been so nice and helped me when i felt awful! so yeah i could never forget you. ah and uh i hope you sleep well! shame you're leaving already, i wanted to talk more... but i suppose i shouldn't hijack this thread further. so i'll go to sleep too.i hope everyone has a great christmas and a better new year! may many more blessed threads such as this one appear.
>>83450332You can talk about anything here since it's a board with no topic. If it helps though, I've made quite a few threads in the past when things went wrong in my life before, but even if this was my first thread, it's not like anyone here really cares about me or knows how I usually am so it doesn't matter. I could post my genitals or talk about a murder I committed 5 years ago (examples) and it'd be forgotten eventually. Since I mainly look for funny stuff, I've never quite felt melancholic because of it; though I do guess I am usually looking at the me from times I don't wish to go back to, so...>might just need some time aloneYou're right, I should have just done that in the first place instead of forcing myself to answer every time.>are you going to spend christmas with your family?Ehh... probably, I guess. At the moment I can't say I'm feeling it but I've spent time with them every other year despite my depression, and there's 3 more days for me to think about it still. I hope I feel normal again by then. But most of all I hope you have fun!>>83450418Sleep well anon.
>>83434836>be me>enter thread>save all the images>dont read any of the posts>leave
OP don't think I'm crazy but I finished reading your entire thread and think we would hit it off really well. We seem to share the same interests and I love the girl you've been posting. She really fits your posts' tone. Sadly you're not looking to add anyone from here so hope you get better.
>>83451848That's very sweet. Thank you anon.>>83451535You on the other hand...
What the sigma? This thread is still ongoing?
>>83452274I'm pretty sure it's dead now. Sorry for that
Okay, I hope I correctly SAGEd this. I doubt they'll ever find this but since the thread is about to die anyway. Despite everything I'm gonna miss you, even if only for a bit, Ro.
>>83453353Who is Ro, tell me the deets man
i think the mods pushed this back down to page 10 lol thanks jannies>>83453365ive been talking about them the entire thread. i shouldnt give any more "deets" than what i already have. im glad it turned into normal conversation midway through though
>>83453423oh you're op lol I didn't realizeMods didn't push it down we've both been saging it just isn't bumping
*unsages your thread*
>>83453423god fucking damnit OP what gender are you. I read through the whole thing and Im thinking 99% you're a moid because I've never seen a foid be able to explain themselves so throughly
>>83453691*soges your unsage*
>>83454055male is the defaultwhy would he even be a woman?
>>83454914god FUCKING damn it op you made me read all that shit for NOTHING
>>83454055>I've never seen a foid be able to explain themselves so throughlyThey said theyre a writer so makes sense to me regardless of their gender desu
>>83455318what were you even expecting? a blowjob for reading it all?
>>83455354usable information for understanding foids idk. I like reading foid brain thoughts
>>83455358Ah, I see. Next time you should look for explicit statement that the blogposter is a girl. Not that he couldn't be (she/them)
>>83455367Lol but oreganally
>>83454055Lol... What would I gain from revealing my gender except for1. pure apathy (male)2. get told tits or gtfo (female)?
don't sage on me
>>83455945Please just let it die... I beg you
>>83455945Don't be sagin me brotha... you got yo rapist homo thug black balls over there
>>83455915it sounds like you want to be a trans just for the attention
>>83456338Is itr possible to be trans without anyone knowing?
>>83455915>doesn't reveal genderDefinitely female, be my gf I'll never abandon you
>>83456537yesI am, no one knows.damnit.
what youtube slop do you watch? wanna throw up a watch2gether?
I felt like I wanted to username drop this person before the thread died just in case they looked through the archives and I know nobody knows them, because I guess I want to be found after all. I shouldn't do that though. I don't really like the way I think sometimes.>>83457568Like I said it'd be better for everyone involved that I'm not trying to seek out the next best thing in hanging out or talking to new people but I'll answer anyway. Looking at my history it's either: music (I don't use Spotify or Apple music), drama content, gaming and general video essays, Danny Gonzalez rip-offs. Does that sound fun for literally anyone ITT?
>>83457684NTA but I like music and I could probably enjoy hearing about dramu. Vidya can be fun but I only play single player, video essays are nice when I have the attentionspan (never). No clue who danny gonboloz. What music you listen to?
>>83457684>drama content, gaming and general video essaysYES YES YES
>>83457701Single-player is king anyhoo.>No clue who danny gonbolozThe specific type of content I mean is where it's basically the same as a drama video, but instead of covering a serious situation it's always something stupid like people arguing over pineapple on pizza, for a basic example, filled with a lot of humor throughout.>What music you listen to?A lot of indie rock, but any kind of rock like The Strokes or Queens of The Stone Age I like as well. It only matters if the guitar or bass tickles my brain in an unique way. That's the main genre I like, but I also like hiphop jazz and stuff... What about you?>>83457707Do you have any favorites to watch?
You people are truly fucking insane and im not saying it in a demeaning way more like the "doing the same thing over and over and over again" for all eternity. I hope your lives get better, or worse, or anything that forces you to not stare at the screen.
>>83457860Do you think anyone willingly zombified themselves infront of screens all day? We're here because we have nothing else.
>>83457820>single-playerAny favorites? I like Megabonk recently it's addicting. >instead of covering a serious situation it's always something stupid like people arguing over pineapple on pizzaOh that could be fun. I usually watch let's plays just to get the background noise. I used to watch Jenny Nicholson but she rarely posts and I don't have money to sub to her. hashtag hikkilyfe>musicThe Strokes are good. I listen to a lot of indie rock, classic rock, weird niche punk and folk. Not a lot of hiphop or jazz though. I've been big on Scowl, No Doubt, and Garbage recently but what I listen to changes pretty often. I mostly listen for the lyrics.
>>83457820NTA but drama slop's great.
I'm not gonna lie, my heart is kind of suddenly not in it now, "it" being typing. My mind is tired of all the emotions lately honestly. >>83457904I only listen for the vibes, but if the lyrics are interesting it usually takes me a good few listens to begin thinking about them instead of only jamming out. Speaking of, I find the indie band "Of Montreal" to be pretty good for that, I'm listening to "Suffer For Fashion" as I type this. Actually that was a lie. I'm listening to Brooklyn Bridge to Chorus by The Strokes but I assume I'm going to have finished listening to it and go listen to the Of Montreal song before I finish typing. Seriously though, I think OM is a band worth checking out if you like psychedelic or "weird" music.>Any favorites? I like Megabonk recently it's addicting. That's a bit hard to decide. I've never played "endless" games and have never been into them. If I had to give an example though I'd probably say something like Disgaea 2 or Fate/hollow ataraxia. I like both a lot.>>83458113I'll definitely always skip watching anything SunnyV2-like, with the weird red thumbnail with an ugly drawing or face of the person being spoken of, or that one variation of it with a white background and black text. Really hate those, and they're usually AI-generated as well.
>>83458239>Of MontrealLysergic Bliss is a great song. I haven't checked out their other stuff, but I've listened to that one a few times. If you like weird kind of psychedelic music you could try Big Blood I recommend the songs Echohead, Tease it Like a Cop, and Run. It's outsider music though so you might hate it. >I've never played "endless" games and have never been into themI like the short runs format, being able to play a game in under an hour is nice. I like Disgaea and those in theory but I just can't sit down and concentrate on them long enough to get anywhere. There was a point in my life where I was putting 16 hours a day into videogames but that was a long time ago.
>>83458296I like the sound, but somewhat felt that the songs lacked much meaningful development which I assume is what makes it outsider music.As for games, I've only put my most hours into Disgaea 2, at 150+, but that's not too much honestly. I prefer shorter experiences.On a completely different topic for any potential lurkers I suppose, one that actually relates to what I made the thread for, I've suddenly come across a video about how to forgive and what it meant in regards to yourself, interestingly accompanied by footage of casual Minecraft gameplay. I don't 100% agree with what this person is saying but I'm glad to have come across it, because what I can internalize from it towards myself is actually pretty helpful. Truthfully, I haven't exactly felt hurt for a good bit now, and instead extremely tired. I don't know why my feelings are always so intense only to disappear so quickly.If anyone would like to watch it: https://youtu.be/nYQS7poPbJE
>>83458894neat video, thanks anon.
>>83458894>which I assume is what makes it outsider musicYeah they're a self-taught family of musicians. They self publish and run a zine or something, I haven't stayed up to date on them. Their sound is pretty unique but I'd agree that their songs don't really have a lot of development. >150+I've put over 600 hours into binding of isaac. For me it's about the length of a playing session more than the length of the game. I need to be able to pick it up and put down without worrying about saving or checkpoints or forgetting what I'm doing. It's a weird need, probably just me being neurotic. >videoThat's kind of how I approach things. You can't make people do anything or control how they act. If someone doesn't fit with me or hurts me, I just accept it and move on. I don't think it's a good use of my time or energy to sit around hating someone or hating myself or trying to make someone change. If they aren't willing to act on a "please don't do that, it hurts me" then that's just who they are. Good video.
>>83458970(^^)-b>>83459079Listening to it again, I like Run a lot though I'm not sure I know what it's really about. Not that sense is something I care for since I like Black Country New Road and The Beatles' later music. Despite how I phrased it, I didn't mean lack of development as a negative thing per se. When you have a catchy riff and use it to represent endless rumination, that's when this kind of song really hits for me.Song recommendation for people who like noise: White Blues Part II by Merzbow
OP is cute. CUTE.I hope she starts feeling better
...I don't even know why I keep trying
>>83459187>I'm not sure I know what it's really aboutI don't really know either and they don't publish most of their lyrics which makes it hard to figure it out. I think it's about familial bonds but I have no idea. I didn't think you meant it as a negative. Complex songs and simple songs can both be enjoyable after all. I've never gotten into noise. The noises are cool but it's hard for me to grasp. Some of what I listen to has some jarring sounds likehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6LY6Q548lYbut there's a lot more structure (and vocals) than Merzbow
>>83460177It's pretty quiet but what I can hear I like
>>83460307Dang it sounds pretty loud to me, there might be a better copy of it somewhere on youtube though. I really like that band, kind of a weird industrial jazz fusion thing. What was >>83460042that post about op?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXizlHwdWxEop wouldn't want to lay 2000 mines around outpost with me, it's over for minecels
>>83460331My bad, I just needed to crank up the volume a lot. That's bad for your ears, though... Comments turned off, uploaded 14 years ago with not even 10k views. How did you find this in the first place, anon?That post was so vague that at this point not even I remember, sorry. I was probably feeling annoyed over making this thread at all or like it was useless to keep trying to make friends, or something of that depressive nature.>>83460431You might still be a minecel but, make this a challenge video for a souls game or Minecraft (neither being games I play but always watch videos of this kind with) and I'll be sticking around.
>>83460482>That's bad for your ears, though...It is, but if the video is quiet then it's not bad right? I don't remember how I found them. I listen to a lot weird, unpopular stuff. Just kind of click around until I find something that sounds good. >I was probably feeling annoyed over making this thread at allIt's a nice thread anon and I've enjoyed talking to you in it. I have to go for a bit, but if you're still around later tonight I'll keep talking. Take care.
>>83460502Thank you for sticking around anon. I appreciate it a lotThis post's picrel>>83435337is a continuation of this post's
While they weren't home, this morning I went to my parents' bed and took a nap for a few hours there with a plushie of mine. It was comfy. I didn't feel that great today for several reasons, so much stuff outside of what I made the thread for happened suddenly that I just don't think I'll be fine for the next few days at the very least. So I suppose it's safe to assume this means Christmas won't be that fun at all. Not like it has for the past several years anyway. I hope the person I was talking about has a merry Christmas and a happy New Year or perhaps more accurately, a good rest of their life. I don't know, part of me hopes things will fix themselves eventually, even if it takes years. I hope I find someone else and I'll have properly healed since then, but all the failures over the years have really made me avoidant, ngl. I appreciate the people who took time out of their day to talk to me ITT a lot. At the same time I can't help but think of the people who'll just find it annoying how long a thread such as this has gone on for (I would probably feel the same if I had no interest in it) and how they think I should probably die. Part of me will always agree with them, but I guess it's always important for me to remind myself that humans are too versatile to remain one way forever. I'm sure I'll feel terrible over and over for a good time, but I can always live for the hopes of finding a love who can be "perfect," an nonexistent concept, to me. Also, this thread is actually about the three days old, which is... lol. Thank you for talking to me again, but I don't think anybody who was reading this thread is around at least at this time. I find I keep coming back to /r9k/ despite all the terrible posts and utter nonsense for threads like these. Some people here can be interesting conversationalists, and stuff.
>>83460674Thank you for talking to me, I appreciate it as well. Funny pics.>>83461397I don't think I'm even doing Christmas this year. It's weird. I've done it every year of my life, but not this year. The last few months have been very difficult for me. But life goes on, time continues its march, things get better or worse. It is what it is. I hope your Christmas is fun. What is a perfect love to you? It means something different to everyone. I think I used to focus a lot on perfection as well, but these days I think perfect is too much to ask for.
>>83461532I assume you're not doing Christmas because of things being rough, I'm sorry to hear. I don't have much of a choice since my family will mostly just drag me into doing something. However, I don't think I'd like skipping out on Christmas regardless of how down in the dumps I've been, it just wouldn't feel right... but maybe if I did my family would finally be able to notice I'm not alright. Maybe. As for perfect love, I'd say perfect has always been an impossibility. To me this is all really just about connection. I don't think I would like to date someone who literally didn't match any of my interests though, even if their personality and our conversational skills were great... Uhh... ughh I'm losing track here. I don't know what's a perfect love to me really at all anon, I have very little experience to go off of, I just know that I usually seem to fall for people who are cute in an understated way but otherwise eloquent and laid back (that isn't to say lazy, but instead someone who doesn't let adversities hold them back easily). I sincerely think this is the only kind of person who's a good fit for someone as unstable, potentially obsessive and potentially evil such as myself. If we're going off something less deep and therefore less important though... I forgot where I was going with this
>>83461742Usually my family would drag me to Christmas too, but things just kind of happened in such a way that it's probably not happening. It doesn't really feel right to skip though. Have you tried telling your family that you're not alright? I haven't done that myself but it seems like that's the easiest solution. Yeah love is really about connection in my opinion. Not just shared interests but shared values and a shared outlook on life maybe. I don't have much experience either, I've been a hikki most of my adult life and I don't talk to people very often. The type of person you usually fall for seems nice. What makes you say that you're potentially evil? I don't know you but you don't really give me an evil vibe from this thread at least.
>>83461784It's not what I have, but did you know that when people say "BPDemon" they're usually referring to how less stable people with it, when they feel threatened, can resort to impulsive behaviors not only aimed at themselves but at others, such as stalking tendencies, breaking things, trying to ruin your friendships, threatening you, etc? Some of these are things I've done. Before you start to think that this person dodged a bullet (which they did), I actively avoided repeating my past mistakes by always telling them if they made me feel generally bad, uncomfortable or unloved, etc. That's probably why it hurt more when none of it helped, in the end. I was putting so much effort into making things work the right way, while they did nothing aside from being themselves. English is not my native tongue. I have focused on studying English for so long that my conversational skills in my native tongue have atrophied significantly. I can barely speak a full sentence confidently without stopping to remember what words I should use and even if I do remember, I rarely express myself properly and it makes me feel like an idiot. That's why I don't try speaking of anything too deep, but instead type it out. That's a whole other can of worms. I wouldn't feel comfortable and tell even my closest relative, my mom, that I just felt bad. I've been thinking of doing so but all I can actually do is vaguely give hints like theatrically sighing or purposefully looking sad. Lol.I hope you'll be fine despite all the stuff that's happening with your family by the way.
>>83461944I've always thought it was a little unfair to call them BPDemons. Most of them are trying to be decent people and don't cause much harm. It's natural when someone feels threatened for them to do things to get rid of the threat. I think a lot of it is that they see a threat where other people don't, so their behavior seems really irrational and unpredictable. It's not even that they're wrong though, it's just that other people interpret things differently. Communication can really solve so many of these issues, but that requires both people to want to communicate effectively and work through misunderstandings. Telling them when you're feeling bad is great and actually really healthy behavior. It's awful that they didn't reciprocate that. You aren't evil though, it sounds like the exact opposite actually. Can I ask what you have if it's not bpd? This is a really weird question, but are you slavic? I remember someone a few years back who also was forgetting their mother tongue, I doubt you're them though. I prefer text too, speaking out loud is difficult. I forget words or say the wrong ones. I go weeks sometimes without saying anything out loud. I know it's difficult and uncomfortable, but you really should tell your mom that you're not feeling good. Maybe she can help you out. Thank you, I'll be fine. I've been through worse. None of this is really an emergency or anything, it's just, I don't know, it's just dumb stuff.
>>83462000I'm not slavic. I do romanticize them a lot even though their culture is not always the best, imo. And, I dunno... some people with BPD really seem to get off on acting like terrible people sometimes, or hiding behind their illness to excuse any of their bad actions. All personality disorders are curable, but doing so is easier said than done. At least in regards to my examples, I don't believe it's justified to do any of those things to anyone, regardless of who they are. When I do those impulsive, control-seeking behaviors I actively know I'm being a bad and unreasonable person, but still do them anyway. It's a serious problem... I think creating terms like BPDemon just serves to make it harder for others to even care about trying to help those with them, or at least help them see the error of their ways. Thankfully my disease is lesser known and therefore doesn't have that large of a stigma (I hope), HPD. And uh, I mean, I think BPD and NPD are the only ones most people know of in the B cluster anyway. In any case, no, it's not like they didn't reciprocate. We were trying to be very very open with each other at all times. They just didn't want to change for me. Which I guess is worse when we both seemed to like the other.I'll try talking to my mom, sure, but considering the other times I've tried I don't think it'll help that much, but I'll still at least try. I've been wanting to get back into therapy, I remember being able to be way more open there.
>>83462140Their culture does have some unsavory elements to it, but I think it's interesting. I like their languages too. Yeah, some BPD people do that. But then, some "normal" people do similar things as well. I think with the personality disorders a lot of the difficulty is that it's the actual personality that causes so many of the issues. It's a lot harder to change your personality than to change your lifestyle and get out of something like depression, or usually it's harder anyway. I wasn't really trying to say that you were justified in doing those things by the way, just that it's understandable that you would do them. They might be bad actions, but I don't think it makes you a bad person. Especially if you recognize that it's wrong and try to work against it at times. Yeah, BPDemon and terms like that are just dehumanizing. They just throw a person away before even getting to know them. HPD is interesting, I've only seen one other person on here with it but that was a while ago. I have a personality disorder too, but I'm cluster A (schizoid). Was it a lot of change that you needed them to make? It is painful when that happens, but maybe it's better that you found out sooner rather than later that you weren't compatible. Sorry that they wouldn't change though. Trying is all any of us can do. Therapy would be a great option especially if it's helped you before. Would it be hard for you to get back into it?
Reading through this thread made me realize how much I've postponed killing myself, lel. I wonder if I'll ever find someone to talk to as meaningfully as this. But, then again, it's not a matter of finding someone, my living situation is just horrible so I expect to "go out" in the next 10-20 years when my mom dies.
>>83462243What's wrong with your living situation?
>>83462248>No job>No degree>Rarely leave my house>In a shithole slavic country that has no welfareThe only thing I have going for me... is that I guess I look nice-ish? I'm a man, but more on the "feminine" side, I guess. People usually just assume I am trans whenever I speak in voice chats. And I recognize how GAY it is to say that on here, it is however tied to my redeeming quality of being generally very friendly and forgiving to people. I really do relish talking to people and just trying to be as good as possible for them for no other reason other than that's how I grew up to be towards people and that's what I want to do.
>>83462187My parents would only need the money for me to get back into therapy, and well... I dunno how that will go nowadays, but I figure I should just go and ask. What is it like living schizoid? I could probably appreciate not feeling the need to have deep relationships after all the things that have happened... hah.>Was it a lot of change that you needed them to make?You can be the judge of it. I've said before that I wanted them to be around far more often than they have and to reply to my messages instead of ignoring them to talk about random things about their own day.>>83462243Maybe it's time to make your own avatarfag thread, anon? You never know. It can't help with your living situation, but... feeling heard is good too, even if temporarily.On an unrelated note, I suddenly started thinking of how weekdays are just the worst. I'm home alone for nearly most of the day, and the first person to come back home is one I've had tension with my whole life, so I never feel quite safe. Thankfully he's on his way out~
>>83462270>Maybe it's time to make your own avatarfag thread, anon?Ehhh, nooo. I'm way too conscious and I don't think this place is the best for it. I'd rather just talk about it here while I have the chance.
>>83462270Money is always an issue. It doesn't hurt to ask though. Being schizoid is kind of odd. I like being alone but I'm very aware that I'm missing out on things. I wish I wanted deep relationships. My life feels empty at times. Usually I don't feel much, so I just kind of exist in a very acceptable state. No high highs, no low lows; just a nice middle ground. There are moments where I suddenly remember how much I'm missing and I'm struck by a sort of terror but then it all recedes and I go back to normal. Asking them to be around more is hard to judge, it really depends on how busy they are and how much they were already giving you. I don't think it's an unreasonable request though. Even for me, feeling neglected is painful. Asking them to reply to your messages is completely reasonable. I don't think you were asking for a lot. I don't really get why they wouldn't give that to you or try to find an acceptable compromise.
>>83462324I'm tired so smaller answer. They are a hikikomori. They have their notifications perpetually turned off and don't bother checking them until convenient, which usually takes several days. They often excuse disappearing on mental illness making them take too long on doing things and their turbulent life, but it makes no sense to then proceed to not talk to someone who you know likes having you around and is dying to talk to you at all times, at least to me. Indecipherable, truly.
>>83462470 (myself)In a way I suppose I feel relieved to finally let go of these bad feelings by stopping myself from investing in them as badly as I have. I was really bending myself over backwards, not to mention stalking them. That's probably why I don't feel as hurt as I thought I would be, things probably wouldn't have worked out in the first place when we're both so unstable... >>83462284Well, if you say so. I hope things can get better for you if possible at all then, anon.
>>83462470That is pretty indecipherable. I get that everyone is affected by mental illness differently, but that really seems selfish to me. Plus a hikki should have plenty of spare time. Even if they need to be alone, it doesn't seem impossible to take 5 minutes and check in. I'm sorry they treated you like that. I'm probably going to sleep soon and I think the thread will probably die before I wake, but it's been nice talking to you. I hope we run into each other again anon.
>>83462485Same here, though we probably won't know it. Sleep well!
>>83462485>the thread will probably diethis is like the fifth time someone says this...>>83461944>Some of these are things I've donethere is a big difference between people that dont regret what they do, and people that do and try to be better because of it. you acting like an asshole sometimes doesn't necessarily means you're just going to be an asshole for the rest of your life. people change, including you, so try to be more forgiving since you're trying so hard, to be someone new. it's a shame the other person didn't appreciate your efforts enough, but not everyone is like that desu. i also used to act like crazy often but im able to contain myself now, and i believe you can too! though do try to find an outlet for all those bad feelings that isn't hatred towards yourself.>my conversational skills in my native tongue have atrophied significantlywoah just like me twin!
>>83462784>this is like the fifth time someone says this...I'm pretty surprised the thread is still up, myself.>>83462470>but it makes no sense to then proceed to not talk to someone who you know likes having you around and is dying to talk to you at all times, at least to me. Indecipherable, truly.People aren't very logical, anon... brains are very weird. Maybe you'll notice a lot of contradicting thoughts and feelings in your own mind sometimes, too.
Op are you gay
>>83462470Do you two often have alot to talk about when you two talk? If there's no conversation sometimes it's just kind of painful. especially when you have nothing new in your own life to share, the emptiness can start to feel humilating. I know some basic what's up can mean alot to you because you're cluster B, but as an avoidant who dealt with alot of cluster B's this is very hard to feel for me. Even if I know it it feels... idk. Feels like if I keep giving them what they want they'll start to hate me for it.
bumparino crocodilo
>>83434836i hope ur okay anon, and if not eveythings gonna be okay eventually
I'm groggy so excuse any typos>>83463022No>>83462784The thread got pretty close to page 10 at times, which is when I started saging it to not be desperate. I allso erroneously believed this board had a 300 reply limit when it seems to be 500 instead. Nice to hear you've gotten better at handling any bad outbursts likecthat, how did you doo it? Any tips?>>83462846When I have comtradictory thoughts I usually blame it on how a pretty major aspect of my personality disorder is being easily influenceable or changing points of view on a dime because of shallow emotions. I used to be completely blackpilled i.e. annoying for a period of time and I'm glad I'm not loke that anymore. That said I shouldn't assume everybody else isnt going to have a janky brain like me when it comes to crrtain topics.>>83463032I only remember a single instance where we didnt have something to talk about while I knew they were still around (cant tell since they are always invisible(. That said I know that would eventually happen a lot more but it's not like our conversation lasted more than 2 months so I can't say for sure. I definitely couldnt bring myself to talk to them for long when they kept disappearing and making me feel hurt, honestly I would always eventually just complain about feeling so.>>83463742It's hard to tell for sure if I'm alright. My feelings are always coming and going instead of being consistent. If anything right now I am scared.>Feels like if I keep giving them what they want they'll start to hate me for it.Why snd how?>>83463742I'm definitely not okay though it's kind of hard to tell sometimes. Feelings keep coming and going ! If anything i feel scared right now.
>>83463856so if you're not gay why do you want to talk to him so badly
>>83463856>how did you doo it?mhm, i suppose i got a taste of my own medicine in a way, and also i ended up hurting someone i really cared about. the consequences kind of hit me like a truck, and made me realize just how bad it really is to behave the way i used to. ever since that episode i always tried my best to be honest all the time, not disappear, not be passive aggressive, be patient, remind myself that most of my worries are just in my head... i guess you learn most things simply by living and experiencing things, even if they're bad. it was an awful experience looking back, but it's what made me into a slightly better person too, at least i hope so. so uh... im not sure what i could tell you in terms of tips. when you feel like you're going menhera mode, try to imagine how you would feel if they treated you the same way you'd treat whoever you're angry at. try to think of the consequences, and also constantly remind yourself that 90% of your worries are not real, they're just in your head. most importantly if you have the same trust issues i have, tell people you need to be reminded things are okay. dont expect them to magically read your thoughts and know when you need reassurance. ask them! be honest with your friends even if it's embarrassing sometimes. it's better than the alternative.
i think op has too many feelings to not be gay
>>83464020That's a pretty cute picrelI've actually tried doing this before, and still I find it hard to even... care sometimes? I guess it's because I was used to relying on these poor tactics. And I wasn't using them on everyone that wronged me or anything, I'm usually a pushover really especially in real life, but instead I find I always only used thdm against the people I thought I loved the most. I've realized that a long time ago but even now, I don't know what to make of that information. Maybe it means I have expectations of them that are too high. Then again, I actively avoided doing that to this person since we were always trying to be so open with each other, but I don't know... it probably would've happened again some time or another if I was already trying to stalk them while they were gone. I guess that maybe how I approached someone in the first place may have something to do with it? I said it was a possibility but I can't actually see myself lashing out at them in this way, but with people I wasn't accustomed actively trying to talk things out with, I'd always resort to the insults or talking down to them because I get so angry at them sometimes, when my first reaction with them was to always eloquently explain if I felt a certain way I disliked. So maybe if I were to find "someone new" and start on this basis of always being honest with them I could avoid my more unsavory side. Now if they also were more reciprocating and stuff, now that'd be a pretty good and safe relationship for me, I feel...
>>83464478ohhh you're a foid I thought you were insane
>>83463856>If anything i feel scared right now.what are you scared of?
No matter what I said my gender was people would still come up with fanfiction to have it fit whatever bad faith narrative they have going on in their heads, lol. Also... stop focusing on that so much. It's really not that important.>>83464642Hello, Umbreon. I think that's another case of me being so vague not even I remember what the hell I was talking about. I think it might have related to how I felt unsafe during the week days for being home alone most of the day. Even then, when people actually are home I almkst always just stay inside my room anyway, it's not like we hang out or talk or anything... except for the odd occasion where I go lie down next to my mom and we do nothing for a bit. I guess it's more about knowing there's someome who's there for me than actually going to seek them out? That sounds kinda bad though.
>>83464892>not even I remember what the hell I was talking aboutthats alright>I almost always just stay inside my room anywaydo you know why you do that? is it also because you get scared?>I guess it's more about knowing there's someome who's there for me than actually going to seek them out?is that why you're scared?>That sounds kinda bad though.your feelings aren't invalid
>>83465013I don't think that's the reason why, no. I don't feel scared now. I'm not really feeling anything I can describe. It's needless to say this, but nothing bad actually happens most days; I simply often become stunned from ruminating on the past and wondering when bad things will happen again, I believe they call this catastrophizing. Ahh... in any case don't worry too much about that throwaway statement. I'm "fine"
>>83462494I did thank you and it looks like the thread is still up. Are you hikki? Maybe you already answered that but the thread is very long. If you are, how long have you been?
Turns out, I've found a lot of images of Ryubence and have successfully been able to avatarfag her this thread.>>83465178Glad to hear it :) I said it ITT before but I'm kind of one, yes. Rarely I'll leave the house to go buy food or just take a walk. I have been like this for the past 3 years. Problem is, I'm not really comfortable with either that label or NEET because not only do I not avoid leaving the house because of fear or something like that but I also vaguely am trying to go to college or get a job. I just lack initiative for standing on my own two feet and therefore have been in kind of a stalemate in life ever since I was 16.I'm also astonished as to how this thread has stayed up so long, I figure anybody new that comes by is wondering the same
>>83465288I don't avoid it out of fear or anything like that either, but I also rarely leave the house. I was a proper hikki for a while having developed something like agoraphobia but that passed a long time ago. It's good that you're trying to get into college or find a job, the longer you stay hikki-like the harder it is to get out of it. I lack that initiative too and when things don't work, like getting rejected from a job application, I just kind of stop caring and go back to doing nothing. It's a terrible thing but I can't bring myself to care enough to change it. I'm guessing you're still very young and if you want some unsolicited advice I'd say to start putting a lot more effort into getting a job or getting an education. If you wait until you're old it's just impossible to progress and you'll be set in your ways which just makes it worse. I'm kind of astonished too, the thread will hit bump limit at this rate.
>>83465329In the back of my head I realized at some point that the longer I stayed like this the more I would never want to go back to how my failed normie life used to be. Then I accidentally spent locked up inside long enough that I actually looped back to finding school stuff fun, even if I'm not that great at socializing. In general I don't mind having to leave the house (unless I had already planned in my head that I would do something specific the previous day. Happens way too often) I can relate to getting easily bummed out even by relatively minor problems as well. A problem at the moment is that I took my country's equivalent of the SATs and results are only out next year, and I also got a degree only the month before so like... yeah, that's probably enough achievements for the end of the year, lol. Actually not having anything to do only serves to make me feel extra aimless. Actually that's a lie. I have a lot of things I could be doing. I'm just lazy.Also, I hope it doesn't get to bump limit. That would be really weird lol.
>>83465711I get through a lot of things without socializing at all. People will try to talk me sometimes but I've learned that I can just nod my head and walk away. I guess that's weird, but I spent so much time worrying about how random people perceived me that it feels very freeing to not care at all. If you've done your testing and graduated that is plenty of achievements. The year is almost over anyway so you may as well take it easy. What would you want to study in uni? I get very lazy too. I'll feel aimless and sit and refresh 4chan or mindlessly replay a videogame when I could be doing productive things. It's something I should work on. Threads like this are nice though. Just a general discussion area, no ragebaiting or anything. Reminds me of old chatrooms, but a little slower.
>>83465769Funny, I'm doing just that of wasting time instead of being productive right now playing Elden Ring. I don't even particularly like the game since it's so open-ended without enough story to hold someone like me over. Yet here I am. Thanks to its reputation, I'd say the people who come to 4chan nowadays are all just lost in life in one way or another, looking for something to do, get mad at, generally comment on. It's all people do. Especially on this board for the getting mad part. As for school I think I'll just get an English major. Art stuff could be another option for me but I know it's always hell over there for one reason or another. Or so I've heard. I should go play the game Ryubence is from instead of Elden... The Witch and The Hundred Knight. I was actually kind of close to getting to the part where she appears.
>>83464478>hard to even... care sometimes?hmm... even after this experience you feel the same? i mean, the person that you talked about kinda treated you the same way you treated others sometimes too, so perhaps now that you know how it feels you'll start caring more aswell. i get that at the end of the day we're just random people on the internet, so why should anyone even care, but there's still someone behind the screen! sometimes, i wish i didn't care as much as i do. i get hurt for things that no one would ever get hurt for. there's a right amount of caring you can put in i suppose... up to you to understand how to find it! it may seem tiring or exhausting,, but try to look at everyone a bit like you looked at that person.>start on this basis of always being honestits a really good idea desu! i believe in karma so, if you're kind and honest then you'll get it back. most of the times... anyhow, you can't expect someone to be that way unless you are first yourself. living with your heart on your sleeve can be hurtful, but i believe its the only real way to live, and the only way to make genuine connections. you can do it!
>>83466000The Souls games never really did it for me. Too stressful and sweaty. I'm such a casual. I think this board at least has always been full of lost people, but it feels angrier than it used to be now. Maybe I'm just remembering the good parts. I've never liked the ragebait though, I come here to talk not to get angry. English could be a good choice. Your English seems to be native level already, so you'd probably have an easier time of it than most people. Do you enjoy literature, or would you want to do more like translations?Given how many images of her you've posted that sounds like a good idea lol
>>83466036Eh...? No, they didn't treat me how I'd sometimes treat others. They never threatened me or even said anything remotely mean to me, neither did I to them. Sorry for the confusion there. In my life experience this has been a very unique case. I've only had something like becoming obsessed with someone who reciprocated 2 other times before this one, and what wasn't reciprocated I never counted for obvious reasons. I've only become evil with the people who reciprocated my feelings. Regardless, if this person had treated me the same way I'd sometimes treat those other 2 then I don't know what would've happened. I know I can be a terrible person sometimes, and what I meant by saying it was sometimes hard to care was that in the heat of the moment, I'll still be mean while internally screaming at myself to take another route for once. This never happened with the person I made the thread about. I also somewhat believe in karma, I've been seeing it all around me~. > with your heart on your sleeve can be hurtful, but i believe its the only real way to liveI'd agree with you on this if most of the population weren't trying to be ironic or disingenuous about every aspect of their life for no reason nowadays. Or so promiscuous too, you'll get people sending you pictures of their genitals or rather, generally be talking about such deep and personal things like that without even actually being interested in you, lol.>>83466046Translation sounds like my best bet, I would despise being a teacher unless I was maybe an university or private school teacher. I hate dealing with kids...! What's the kind of game you like to play, then?
>>83466265Wow I sure typed a lot more for one post than the other. Sorry about that.
>>83466265>I hate dealing with kidsI always feel bad admitting that, but I do too. I have no idea how to act around them and they just exhaust me. I don't hate them, I just don't want to be around them. >What's the kind of game you like to play, then?I play a lot of stuff. Megabonk recently, but a lot of rogue-lites in general. Sometimes I'll play an rpg but usually that means modded Morrowind or Fallout NV. I've put a lot of hours into TF2 as well. Back in the day, I played RuneScape obsessively. I think I did close to 10,000 hours in that which is not something I'm particularly proud of, but it was a great depression game. Oh and I play older games sometimes like emulated N64 or DOS stuff like One Must Fall 2097.
>>83466265>I've only become evil with the people who reciprocatedhmm, but you did say they ignored you and stuff. oh well maybe we see it in different ways. also, im not psychologist, but i think i know why you (and often I) tend to be meaner with people that seemingly like us. do you ever feel like people have to prove to you that they care? do you ever like, purposefully be mean to someone you care about because you want to see if they stick around anyway? as a proof that they really like you? i used to, sometimes i still do. i think validation and reassurance is what we're really looking for and why we are mean. sadly our dumb brain thinks the best way to gain such knowledge is by forcing others to showcase how much they care. i dunno though, perhaps you're completely different desu.>if most of the population weren't trying to be ironic or disingenuousi know, i know. i did say it was going to be hard and hurtful. i still do it because i want to be different. it takes some sacrifice, but what good can you gain without giving up something? be it your good will and some mental health... i know most people are selfish assholes. it doesn't mean that you have to be that way too just because everyone else is though. expect nothing, but give anyway. though yeah. i dont blame you if you decide to just not talk to anyone instead. people are generally shit and gross!
>>83466265how much do you weigh overthinker anon
>>83466514oh well I wont say exactly but over two hundred, less than three hundred
>>83466362One time a plumber was doing a somewhat longterm job over the course of a few days, and one of those days he brought his kid over to our house for... whatever reason, and she was telling me about how she was going to throw a Tiktok-themed birthday party and internally I was like, "how do you even do that?" but just nodded my head in response. I don't know. They're cute and silly sometimes but mostly super annoying/dumb. With you enjoying roguelites I'd imagine you'd also enjoy an open world game, that said I never played one so I can't really talk about the qualities they share, aside from being "endless." Ever been into any JRPG? There's no shame in a depression game, Disgaea 2 was that for me and like I said I had over 120 hours on it (I think, forgor).>>83466410>do you ever feel like people have to prove to you that they care?Damn... I wouldn't say it's specifically because I want proof they still like me, but generally I can relate to that feeling. That said though, uh... I guess more often than not I'd do it because I felt like the person I was talking to was a bit of a pushover, and wanted them to "do something" (even though I'd probably cry if they were even slightly mean to me for once). Bleh, I don't know. it makes me sound reaaaaally bad I know. I definitely still want to try my best to be open with someone else someday, while... still protecting myself the best I can, just in case; so something like what spawned this thread won't happen.>>83466514 Why do you want to know? I'm not fat...>>83466581Lmao
>>83466675well can you describe your physical self a bit. I've never met a hpd that didn't gloat in attention. I have an additional explanation but I'll give it after.
>>83466675>one of those days he brought his kid over to our house for... whatever reasonThat's so strange. I don't think that would ever happen here. That's what I would do though, just smile and nod. I like peace and quiet and kids are kind of antithetical to that. I don't see myself ever having any, but I have a big family so all the gatherings I go to have them. They're ok in small doses, I guess. I do tend to appreciate open world games but I can get overwhelmed by them at times. For me, roguelites are more about balancing choices than the endless aspect. Like deciding which items to take or where to spend resources. I haven't played many JPRGs, I think if I had ever had a PlayStation I would have been more into them. Golden Sun, Quest64 (does that even count?), Bravely Default, Pokemon (lol). My favorite was Recettear, but that's not really a traditional JRPG.
>>83466675>it makes me sound reaaaaally bad I knowadmitting your problems is the first step to solving themyoure only really bad if you dont try to fix your behaviour but it seems to me that you are so it's fine (still dont use it as an excuse to keep doing it)>protecting myself the best I can, just in casepersonally i dont think you can. to get the type of relationship you want you need to vulnerable, and so does the other person. ill remark what i said before: without sacrifice you dont get anything valuable anon. brace yourself and open your heart, keeping it tightly closed into a shell won't make it any bigger, it will only shrink it with time. on another note, it's already christmas eve tomorrow. do you usually have to do stuff on that day too? good luck if so. sigh i wish i could just sleep all day.
>>83466703I'm avatarfagging so I can't describe my physical appearance (the avatar is for you to imagine me as them after all), but I know I'm somewhere around 75~85kgs, so fine I may be chubby. Gloat is an interesting word to use though, I hope you're not saying that's what I'm doing.>>83466778I wouldn't have children either, not only because I don't want my genes to spread but also due to the state of world being so bad on literally all fronts. Gen alpha is probably the last good generation before everything goes to absolute shit (i.e. all current elites die from old age and their children are their clones).I'd say Quest64 counts, sure lol. Those are some pretty good ones to have played if any, actually!>>83466950Gulp. Right, I vaguely try. I at least can say I didn't get that way with who I made the thread about at least. I suppose that's actual improvement then... that or, I just didn't have time to. I'll never know. If I meet someone new anytime soon (probably won't) I'll try to shield my little heart before I can "vibe it out" that I can be myself with them at least. Lol.Anyhoo, I'll be free for all of the eve and Christmas itself technically, I don't exactly need to go celebrate. It would feel wrong if I didn't, but I don't really feel like it at all... I'll just go do some stuff with family in hopes it'll make me feel happier. I hope you have a nice time and don't just sleep in all day!
>>83465288>I'm not really comfortable with either that label or NEET because not only do I not avoid leaving the house because of fear or something like that but I also vaguely am trying to go to college or get a job. I just lack initiative for standing on my own two feet and therefore have been in kind of a stalemate in life ever since I was 16.I feel that quite a bit. I was meant to go for university once I finished high school since I wasn't a bad student. Do not feel like I can keep up with a job in the long-term, though. Skipped a lot of classes back then. How do you feel about jobs and prospects like that? It genuinely scares me at times.
>>83444340Honestly I could barely finish highschool because of a deep depression. I skipped more days than attended them after the first year and straight up skipped all of the last year, but somehow the teachers let me take the finals and allowed me to graduate. I assume it was because I was a good student beforehand and they felt bad. That made it feel extremely un-earned though. Honestly I completely forgot this even happened until you brought up highschool. Just another experience my mind decided to lock away. Damn... well anyway, I don't think I could do a job long term either. If I were to find a "forever job" I might have fun for a year at most, then it's just depression and letting all my dreams and years pass me by. That's just my imagination of how that must be anyway. I can't imagine only being able to retire once I'm like, in my 50s. It's daunting to imagine myself living much longer than I already have, really. Like it or not though, I'll never have NEETbux or disability pay, so it's just something I gotta do one day. I've tried looking for a job a single time but it didn't go anywhere, and honestly I'm kind of glad it didn't. Didn't even get an interview. I'm just so afraid of actually having to be an adult after an entire life on easy mode, mooching off my parents. I could be making money without even leaving the house really, but I just have no initiative.
>>83467258Uugh, meant for >>83467523 (How did I even quote that post?
>>83434992>>83435097I dread the fear that there'll come a time thousands of years in the future where I'll see all my loved ones for the last timeAnd I just went through a psychotic break for like, a year, and I think it's in part that I rejected this God-force feeling like an idiot at a certain Christian event or two so I became open to certain manipulations, I reckon.It's like I'm smart enough to over-think things, and if I go about them the wrong way, I loop around to being a ... total retard.Now I'm attached to literally everything, because I tried to suppress it...In the confusion of, being between worlds... Those synchronicities...And I don't know what to do, how to move forwards...And I'd like to help other people, yeah, even though I get nervous about that impermanence...And I even worry about dumb stuff like making this thread hit it's limit faster or something.
>>83467153>(the avatar is for you to imagine me as them after all)yeah if that's what your comfortable with that's ok fragile anon. I'm just a data collector, and your behavior was confusing alot of my stereotypes. I know that you're not gloating, that's kind of why it's confusing. If you were skinny you could easily cure your hpd by showing your waist, and then I can nut on it and cure my BPD (big penis dragon)
>>83467538And now, not only did I forget to end my (), I switched the posts I meant to quote. Maybe suicide *is* the option.
>>83467153I remember replying to this but clearly I just made that up in my head. Oops.>not only because I don't want my genes to spreadI'm confident I'd be a terrible father, but the gene thing is a very close second as far as reasons to not reproduce go. There's just too much bad stuff lurking about in there. I'm more optimistic about the direction the world is going, but maybe not by much. It is hard to be optimistic about the world lately though.I played Quest64 on the original N64 but I didn't have the expansion pak or whatever to be able to save, so I had to leave the console on forever. I lost my progress so many times because of that but I did win the game in the end. It was terribly reviewed but the end was really cool imo and I loved how big while simultaneously empty the game felt.
>>83467546I don't really know what it's like, but how can a psychotic break go on for an entire year? Did you spend all of it not feeling like yourself? Is that what you meant?>and I think it's in part that I rejected this God-force feeling like an idiot at a certain Christian event or two so I became open to certain manipulationsI tried reading it over a few times but I just don't understand what this means, sorry. In any case, if your problem is over-thinking, then not thinking at all isn't the way to help with it. Whenever something is making you ruminate, have you ever tried explaining it to yourself in plain, objective terms? It may help you stop doing it sooner if you just focus on what objectively is going. For example, instead of worrying that your comment only helps this thread reach bump limit, tell yourself it is going to die regardless, be it from page 10-itis, sudden deletion, other people making it reach limit. I don't know about you but putting it like that makes me far more relaxed about just posting whatever, however many times I'd like.>>83467597Oh wow. I actually used to have an older console myself without a memory card, even then I never minded having to play all my games from the beginning again since I never played anything too long or story-heavy as a child, though nowadays that kind of has made me consider anything past the point I'd usually get to in my play sessions as a kid a chore to go through lol. Only with those childhood games though. Apparently Quest64 takes 11 hours to beat normally, so honestly that's impressive.
>>83467523>>83467538I imagine this was meant for me, sorri for the late reply: I wanted to say I relate sooooo much to this, ahahahah. I am probably not going to university any time soon and it makes me feel bad some times. I'm really grateful you've shared this experience because I am quite literally in the same boat :3 (As sad as it sounds). I do wonder how I could break out of it, but maybe eventually I'll break out of it. What do you think? I feel like eventually my brain will just push me to do it.
Let this thread be a thread be a reminder of a real world truth for foids:being skinny is instantaneous validation:look at how much work and intellectual MOUNTAINS you have to push otherwise, you're not cut out for it foid.
>>83467741>Let this thread be a threadVery well.>>83467673I'm glad you feel that way! I on the other hand am most likely never going to feel like I could just "get myself" to go and do something as major as getting a job, thankfully I have quite a few relatives who really go out of their way to try and get me to do stuff, I really appreciate them.Also, image limit, huh. Dumb. Should I just put something in my name now? It doesn't feel the same. Perhaps the thread should just die now, maybe it was about time.
>>83467666>I never minded having to play all my games from the beginning againI never minded either except on Quest 64 because it felt like such a hard game at the time. I was only playing an hour a day too so it felt like a huge loss if it got turned off a few days into playing it. I don't remember how long it took me to win, but it was a while. >>83467783>Perhaps the thread should just die now, maybe it was about time.Threads all have to die eventually. If you let it die, good luck with everything. You're a very pleasant person to speak with.
>>83467821I imagine the electricity bill that month must have really been something.>You're a very pleasant person to speak with.Thank you, same with you and all the nice anons who passed by. It helped me feel like being on 4chan all day wasn't just being a complete waste of my time for once, and it helped me get through this whole situation way faster... sure, I still think about them every now and then, but I don't feel sad. I'm glad for that.
>>83467783> I on the other hand am most likely never going to feel like I could just "get myself" to go and do something as major as getting a jobMe neither, but I am hoping it will change.... eventually! :3 I don't see it happening in years, and I am sure you will find your path the same way, too. (Annotation: I am a coward and I generally don't like making big steps in life so I bet it all on MAYBE changing)
OP here, thanks for the lovely thread everyone.
>>83467666>Heh, 666I was kind of exaggerating in that, I don't mean I was literally melting down for that whole time, but that I wasn't thinking clearly and I was spiralling out of control, after figuring something...I do get deep attachments to other people in that way, which makes the possible size of the universe a bit scary... And I feel as though that even spills out into the world like with items, etc, and that I tried too hard to "Let Go" without recognising the cause, so I was acting a bit self-destructive, in more of a spiritual sense than anything else.And yeah, I guess I'm trying now, and was, but I think maybe emotions and hormones clouded my judgement of a really trippy issue, which is why I said I wished I'd have only accepted that feeling to begin with, so maybe I would've gone about things more calmly than I did... I'm not saying the entire bible is true, lost Gnostic texts etc etc, but I do feel as though *something* is there and that I really shouldn't pit myself against it, even if I was just confused and stressed out (Government...) and I didn't realise that's what I've done. I *can* calm myself, now. Thank you for taking time to help.
last thoughts since the thread'll die, it's not like they'll ever read this anyway. vanpe, i liked you a lot. a bit too much. i know you didnt care enough about anything that was going on to ever miss me, or to go out of your way to avoid any of what happened. i told you you didnt owe anything to an internet stranger and you followed that. i cant blame you if my obsessive behavior weirded you out. i couldnt help myself. i know you told me to not become attached but we kept getting along so well i just thought that with enough time, you'd start to like me as much as i liked you. that you'd start to be around more, and that time was the only thing necessary for my very own love story, the one i have fantasized so many times about, to finally become a reality. needless to say, the longterm wishes you actively tell people arent the ones that become true. well... i didnt say them like this until now, but i always made it clear that my infatuation for you ran deeper than what could be considered only that. infatuation's a word i hate. i saw how you actively told me the worst aspects of yourself to try and push me away, to give me "the ick," so to speak. but they didn't. everything you did was something i wanted to know about. something i would accept. not out of desperation for love, which i am desperate, but because we were alike. too much, even. no relationship ive ever had has made me go out of my way to do the things i have because of you, and it all happened in such a short time. only 2 months at best. i won't check because i don't want to be hurt by our memories or to suddenly believe it would be best to go back to speak to you. i would have to be a fool. you hurt me too much. somehow without meaning to, or so you say. you truly were mysterious when it came to that... i know your life was going places you didnt want it to and how miserable you always felt. i shouldnt have come in during such a moment. sorry. i hope my feelings go away with this post and goodbye.
