I wish I had been allowed to fall in love. I wish, that without prior expectations of what was to come, with confidence to go boldly forth, I had been able to build a relationship with a woman, over perhaps several years, eventually leading to getting to know each other deeply on several levels, before finally engaging in sexual intimacy, which would have been a turning point in our relationship.What prevented this? Many things. IMO, a feminist culture and a religious upbringing combined to make me deeply insecure, to second guess myself about everything I did. I was prevented from acting and moving any relationship forward with confidence that it was right, correct and moral for me to have a relationship. I felt disgusted with myself constantly; felt that the only moral action for me was to be ascetic, miserable, and to not impose myself on the world, that I was a miserable expense.Secondly, pornography and pornography addiction preempted any possibility of authentic exploration. By the time I was 12, I had already been exposed to violent, aggressive sexuality, various disgusting, bizarre sexual acts and feelings. I was, indeed, predatory, and the feminists were not entirely wrong to mark me as someone who would hurt or objectify or use a woman for my gratification. Of course, female sexuality also has its dark corners where it secretly craves this.
>>83438493Indeed it feels like the final capstone on my miserable life, the discovery of female sexuality, after attempting to reconcile my sexual desires with my morals, that women secretly love to be manipulated, beaten, practically raped, choked, to be dominated by an authoritative man. Of course, the authoritative man must be, in some way, genuinely authoritative, though women often fall for gangsters. The man must be someone who can take care of himself. After years of misery and self-flagellation, because of religious guilt and self-imposed feminist standards, I now realize that I am too weak, anemic, small, have too little to offer, to be attractive for any woman. This is the end of my life, and my confession. If you are younger than me, please do not make the mistakes I made. Understand that if you are a consumer of pornography, you are indulging desires that are healthy and natural, but you must leave pornography behind and enter into a relationship with a woman. You must be strong and authoritative, you must be able to navigate the world safely and be capable not only of protecting her but hurting anybody who would deny you your daily bread.
