All my friends will die in the near future, all will take their own lives, all will lie to me, they will say that they enjoy my company but will be secretly rotting inside because they think, they know that I cannot save them.And so to keep living is to watch every possibility on your life burn out, to try to enjoy the last minutes of a fire lit in the middle of a snowstorm.I've tried relentlessly to be self sufficient. I've done my very best to become strong, to be able to fail and not collapse, to learn from every aspect, to never succumb to despair, to solitude, or to hope; to never need a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to help me.To try and know how to console others, to fix all of their problems, to know the root of all of them... Treating people as systems to be observed, as pattern following entities, to try and know so much about everyone and about humans in general that no trouble, no nuance and no unspoken word would get past me... only to get woken up, at 4 am in the morning, because she cut her arms open and she's now in the hospital. Only to know that, again, another night, he's on the train tracks waiting for his life to end.Sometimes, I wished I was immortal, so that the deaths of my beloved would blend into the past, so that suffering would temper my soul, so that I could endure anything...Some day, we will walk along the endless strides of tulips we planted all those years ago, with the blinding sun shining on them and on us, obscuring the horizon; and we will get lost in the flowers.
i've been in your shoes, and it sucks. you don't need to save people, and it's not your responsibility. i know it hurts, but you can only do so much. you, like everyone else, need a shoulder to cry on. and you probably could use one right now.
>>83500625Hang in there, anon<3
Supporting people is hard. There are times when I want to reach out to friends but I know they're all struggling so just distracting them with happy stuff can be better than opening old wounds. I know they know I'm depressed too. Just try to live in the moment anon, as cliche as that is - you don't want dark possibilities ruining your present mindstate when they might not even happen anyway. Usually suicide takes a bunch of parasuicidal self harm and loss of abstractions to even try, and is immediately regretted. You can only do so much because the nature of that spiral is cumulative, and despite what people think depression is like 99% genetics and shit like housing stress or childhood trauma. It can't just be solved with "listening" and "venting" but needs an actual structural change in where or how you live, which is beyond your ability to provide. And you typically acquire sluggishness that fucks up self-improvement anyway unless you really get over your fear of failure... the reward system in your brain gets used to effort not paying off and it's a killer. Therapy is mostly useless too except for meds.>To try and know how to console others, to fix all of their problems, to know the root of all of themSounds like you need a bit of space yourself. I know it's rough but everyone has a point where they'll just ditch a friend for dropping 24/7 drama bombs. If you have better boundaries you can avoid that.
you want to be saved too, don't you? from this lonely existence. >they will say that they enjoy my company but will be secretly rotting inside because they think, they know that I cannot save them.unfortunately, it is sometimes not in our power to save others, to fix others. vexing may be, but c'est la vie.
