>>83507326
I got socks and a cologne. Felt so void so I went to bed and slept all day. Its so over. How was your holiday

It was christmas? I must have missed it since I haven't seen another human in 20 days.

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>>83507326
>are you okay
Yeah, doing pretty good today

>how did it go?
Pretty good. Had the week off work and have been hanging out with my son. Took him to see his cousin on Christmas and they chased each other around and stuff. He did get a little sick unfortunately, but he's enjoyed his presents and watching He-Man. And I got him set up to play ARK which he loves because dinosaurs.

>did you get anything nice?
I got a paperback of the Song of Roland and that was it. It's all good though, Christmas is about the kids

How was Christmas for you my man? You doing alright today?

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>>83507326
>hi anon
hello
>are you okay? you can tell me if something's worrying you
Its bad, its bad its bad its bad bad bad bad. i have swung from the "Love and hug everybody" phase to the "worry, worry and worry" one. Im freaking again and feel even more like proactively dying than usual. i know that nothing bad will probably happen but my head is arghhhhhh its panicking i am panicking. I feel bad is the shortened answer.
is anything on your mind?
>how did it go? did you get anything nice?
annoying and stressful. didn't like it to be honest. for the same reasons i don't like things and people in general. most immediately useful thing i got was some chocolate although i also got some tools that could come in useful later. What about you? Did ya get that knife you wanted?

>>83507326
Hi Anon!!! I'm glad to see you made a thread today after all. Are you phoneposting from somewhere?

>are you okay?
More or less, I suppose... I'm kind of depressed as usual and spent way too long in bed again. What about you though? Are you feeling any better today?

>if something's worrying you.
Just minor things. I gotta go to the store today, do laundry, and then go to work and I have zero desire to do any of these things... I wish I could just give up and lie down and rot forever.

>how did it go?
I guess it was fine? As expected it was mostly just like any other day, though a bit more depressing perhaps. Yours I would say went rather well this year? Unless you could yesterday as part of Christmas. But otherwise you felt pretty okay throughout, right?

>did you get anything nice?
Thankfully I didn't get any presents so that's good. Well, you played some games with me so that can count as my present I suppose :) It did feel like receiving a present desu.

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>>83507399
>void
it does feel that way especially if you've never really been close to family outside of festivities. still, its up to us to make it genuine, at least for others. may your next christmas be better anon.
>your holiday
it was good. at least christmas and the day after were, after that the usual dread started to creep in again, but wcyd.
>>83507405
im sure the obnoxious christmas songs were enough to remind you, no?
>>83507442
>week off work
that's great anon! I'm glad to hear it was good. was it fun to see him open his present?
>ARK
oooh. its a slippery slope you're putting him on anon... but yea. dinosaurs are indubitably cool.
>How was Christmas for you
it was good. drank a lot of wine and spent some time with family (though not really my own). got some money and catched up with my brother that i haven't seen for months. that didn't go as well as I'd hoped it'd go, but oh well. today im feeling drained from too much socialising, and also the whole family interaction thing kinda made me feel bad thinking about cousins/brothers having good lives whilst im just rotting.
>>83507467
hi anone!
>I feel bad
oh no. are they being really annoying again? or maybe its just your head this time? do your best to get through this bad phase anon! it'll get better soon i promise! dont listen to your brain. dont worry about me, do you want to talk about something else to distract yourself from it? or you can vent aswell if you want! im here desu
>annoying and stressful
oh... well these kinds of festivities aren't for everyone. i also felt very uncomfortable when i had to be around so many people at the christmas dinner, so i get you. though wine did help... which kind of tools did you get?
>knife
sadly not. i haven't really asked for anything to anyone so i wasn't expecting to receive anything. i did get a fumo and a few games from frens online and that is more than enough. and some money from various relatives, so i can pay the tire i popped the other day... yay...

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>>83507619
>phoneposting
i was, my mom and i went out to eat at my aunt's house and i was stuck there until like 10 minutes ago... its nice to see them dont get me wrong, but i dont get why and how they manage to talk for almost 4 hours after finishing eating. its almost torture for me.
>spent too long in bed
you really aren't putting enough alarms to get up desu. im fine, just tired and kind of disheartened, i guess
>I wish I could just give up and lie down and rot forever
so do i, but no rest for the wicked i fear. get up, do what you need to do, and then you can go back at rotting all day.
>I guess it was fine?
better than bad i suppose. did anyone visit? yeah mine was overall okay, i have no complaints. the days after are usually always bad, but oh well.
>Thankfully I didn't get any presents
i dont think i've ever seen anyone say this phrase before... but as long as you're happy with it i guess its fine. maybe there's some presents coming but they're just late, who knows!

>>83507682
>fun to see him open his present?
Always is. They got a lot of life in them at that age.

>slippery slope
Indeed. But I'm here to watch so He'll be fine.

>whole family interaction thing kinda made me feel bad
Just because they're "better off" doesn't make you less than them. Try to focus on the good time you had catching up with everyone. And the wine, wine is good.

Hi anon, how are you? On the yesterday's (>>83500342) thread I was one of the people that chatted with you (>>83500090). You answered me but I just saw it when the thread was archived. I'm here to apologize myself.
You said that you couldn't stop feeling the way you felt, and then I noticed that I didn't really understood how you were feeling when I wrote that message. I'm sorry for that, especially if I acted like feeling the way you feel is wrong or something like that.

>>83507710
>i dont get why and how they manage to talk for almost 4 hours after finishing eating.
Well, at least you got to do something outside your house I guess... but jeez what DID you do for those 4 hours?? Just sat there and listened to them talk? I don't imagine it was anything interesting or anything you could really contribute much to in terms of conversation. It would definitely be torture for me as I'd feel really awkward just sitting there and I wouldn't even know where I'm supposed to look.

>alarms
Uhm I sort of didn't set any because I wasn't even planning on going to bed yesterday at the time I lied down, I thought it would just be a quick rest that's all.. it turned into a 14 hour rest again though... But I don't know how much alarms would help anyway, I did get up several times throughout I just went back to bed again anyways, lured by the comfort. Doesn't help that it's a bit chilly in my room right now and the blankie is so nice and warm...

>im fine, just tired
I'm happy to hear you're fine at least! Makes sense you're tired though, you went to bed kinda late yesterday and woke up sorta early today it seems. What did you even do yesterday evening 'till such a late time, if it doesn't pain you to remember? Playing Rogue Trader? I do also get the urge to stay up late when I feel like shit for some reason, so I get it... but it sure makes the next day a lot more tiring.

>disheartened
You were heartened to begin with? I guess not, just less disheartened than now huh. Anything in particular you're disheartened about, or just life in general?

>get up, do what you need to do,
Uuuu...

>did anyone visit?
No, thankfully not. My mom came by yesterday but that's normal since it was Saturday. It ruined my mood a bit but oh well it wasn't too bad.

Cont.

Cont.

>>83507969
>the days after are usually always bad
Ah so you do have this post-event depression kind of deal going on too... I guess it's inescapable. What goes up must come down etc. etc. Makes it hard to see the point in even doing any fun things... I guess a rollercoaster of a life is still better than a flat line, maybe.

>i dont think i've ever seen anyone say this phrase before
Haha, really? It seems to be pretty common around these parts to dislike presents. I guess I don't even hate them that much, it's just much easier if I don't get anything, so I prefer that. No guilt to deal with and no having to force myself to use some thing I have no actual use for just so it doesn't sit there collecting dust (which I hate).

>maybe there's some presents coming but they're just late, who knows!
I hope not! Maybe I should try to appreciate the idea of presents more though... focus on the kind intention behind them and stuff. I guess that's how you're able to still enjoy them in spite of the guilt and whatnot? Gah, I think that'd just make me feel more guilty though... I hate how nice my parents are to me despite me being such a cold and uncaring bastard to them.

Also, you popped your car tire!? How did that happen.. and how the heck did you get back home? That must've been an awful experience...

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>>83507682
>are they being really annoying again? or maybe its just your head this time?
both but the main cause is my head being like this. but now all annoyances are even more annoying like always.
>do your best to get through this bad phase anon! it'll get better soon i promise! dont listen to your brain.
thanks for the encouraging words. yeah it will probably get better like it always does but you know how it is.
>dont worry about me
well i still hope that things get better and that sort of stuff. you know what i wanna say probably.
>do you want to talk about something else to distract yourself from it? or you can vent aswell if you want!
whats the difference hehe
i dunno there isn't a lot of new things from my side to talk about really. its like always but i feel like my head is slowly starting to get tired from all of this. i kinda get tired faster now (still feel restless etc.) and i continue to feel drunk. i fall asleep with my phone in my hand now too. i don't know why that is. i took barely any meds this week.
>though wine did help...
i had none, lucky you. i was sober for the damn thing. i don't get why we need to pretend that we are all a nice family when everybody knows how things are like in reality.
>which kind of tools did you get?
this kinda all in one thingie, its kinda like a stripped down and pen shaped drill. i will mainly use it for sanding i think although it can do basically anything.
>i did get a fumo and a few games from frens online and that is more than enough.
what games did you get? and a fumo too, that's nice i kinda want one.
>and some money from various relatives, so i can pay the tire i popped the other day... yay...
well that's still nice isn't it. you have one issue less on your hands. its a nice gift i think.

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>>83507326
good to see you again, and glad to see yours was mostly alright
my christmas was fine, and i got a black velvet robe that... uhm... feels great, to put it lightly lmao

sleep time, hope you have a nice night <3

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>>83507896
>They got a lot of life in them
sure they do. i thought the same thing the other day when i saw my niece open her presents. it's nice to see them get excited for some toys, it gives me a sense of nostalgia for feelings i haven't had in a long time. also really makes me feel a lot older than what i actually am though...
>But I'm here to watch
hmm then it's okay. have you played a lot of ark yourself? i never got into it much, is it anything like rust?
>doesn't make you less than them
i guess, i feel like it does. i feel so little compared to everyone else. i dont get how they just... live? im not even doing that much and almost everyday just feels like a struggle. i tried to explain to one of my brothers hoping he'll understand, considering he (supposedly) had a bad period himself, but i was met with coldness. shouldve known better.
>>83507897
hello anon! im doing fine. dont worry about yesterday, i wasn't in the best mental state. i appreciate you being so considerate that you even came back today to apologize, but there's no need! i know you wanted to help me feel better and i really really appreciate it. thank you!! i didnt feel offended and im not angry at you. my hope just goes really faint at times and i start going down bad spirals. but, how are you? do you want to talk about anything? its fine if you prefer not to.
>>83507969
>Just sat there and listened to them talk?
Yes. im not sure it's awkwardness whats bothering me the most, since im pretty comfortable around my aunt, it's just that... i cant sit still for long. and theres nothing to do there if not watch whatever garbage they're playing on tv. so i just kinda started pacing back and forth, trying to stop my thoughts from bouncing in my head all the time
>I don't know how much alarms would help
better than nothing desu. set repeating alarms so that you dont forget and that you have to get up and turn them off each time. other than that im not sure what else could work for you really...

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>>83507969
>yesterday evening
i was playing GregTech (a minecraft modpack) with a bunch of friends. was a pretty exhilarating experience. never again though. i need to go to bed sooner but it feels like such a waste of time to do so.
>ife in general?
just life. being around relatives reminds me of how big of a failure i am is all.
>no actual use for
hopefully you'd get something you like... i get not wanting to feel guilty though. i blame my mom for always making me feel bad for receiving anything.
>nice my parents are to me
i kind of feel the same. i think i deserve to be kicked out of the house and left to freeze to death but here i am. it is what it is. we can both try our best to appreciate them as much as we can.
>your car tire
yes... i hit a sidewalk with the tire and something must've slashed it. thankfully it wasn't too far away from home (i could've went by bike, WHICH I SHOULDVE) so i just walked back home in shame through the freezing cold. im such a retard honestly so i deserved to suffer.
>>83508002
>my head
mhm... dum head. stop making anon feel bad! you got this anone. ill tell your brain to shut up and leave you alone telepathically. no one is mean to my dear anons on my watch!
>you know what i wanna say
yeah, thank you for worrying anon, i always appreciate it! but take care of yourself too desu.
>isn't a lot of new things
it doesnt have something exciting or new yknow. we can talk about what you ate yesterday or what you played the other day, anything you want!
>why that is
im not a doctor so i cant say for sure, but i think you're just a bit exhausted anone. these last few days have been especially draining for you im guessing and perhaps your brain just needs a break from it all for a while. dont overthink things too much.
>need to pretend
i can't answer. sadly it's just how life is. a really long act, with everyone playing their given role, never taking their masks off around others. you can try to only watch, rather than participate in it.

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>>83508002
>a stripped down and pen shaped drill
uh huh... well im not a huge tool or diy guy so i can't say for sure that i understood. though if its of any use then it's a good present! the only thing i ever made was a wooden box to put my vinyls in. i'd like to learn how to make more stuff with wood one day
>what games did you get?
i got warhammer 40k chaos gate from the free steam keys thread on this board, and pizza tower. which i instantly modded so that furina and hu tao are in it now. it's great desu.
>i kinda want one
which one would you like to get? i have a bunch (mostly fake)
>its a nice gift i think
yeah, im not complaining at all. just kinda biting my nails because, i couldve just not destroyed my tire and use the money for things i actually want! haha... ha... AAAAAAAAA
>>83508194
hey anone! nice to see you too.
>black velvet robe
oooh! very fancy, i like it! i bet it feels nice to wear. i wanna get a night gown like the one scrooge has, it seems really comfy with the cap too.
shame we can't talk much since you always gotta go to bed, but good night anon!

>>83507326
>are you okay?
I woke up depressed, then got extremely motivated and happy for whatever reason and had a productive day, and now the mood is returning to depressed. I've been having these sudden mood swings for a few months... or is it years?

>you can tell me if something's worrying you
tfw_no_gf returned after many years of comfy solitude, but now I'm even worse at socializing than in my early 20s and people specially women are just repulsed by my existence near them.

>and good job on making it through christmas! how did it go? did you get anything nice?
I just hid in my room.

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>>83507326
I feel like I am broken or maybe not useful or needed anymore. Long story short there is this girl I really like and we have been talking for a few months. Things are going great or so I thought and yesterday on my birthday she decides she no longer wants anything to do with me. It caught me completely off guard. I thought she was joking at first but said she cant do it anymore with me. I wanted to know what I did wrong and she would not tell me. Idk I guess I am at the lowest in my life right now. I wish she would tell me what I did wrong so I can fix things. All I have ever done for her was nothing but my very best. I gave her all my time and money to help her where I could. What is so wrong with me?

>>83508216
>makes me feel a lot older than what i actually am
No kidding. I feel old as Hell seeing my kid open presents

>played a lot of ark yourself?
Not a whole whole lot, but I played it on Xbox when I was like 17. Mostly played by myself because I'm a loser with no friends. Never played Rust.

The crux of the game is to hunt and tame dinosaurs and other prehistoric life and build shit.

>not even doing that much and almost everyday just feels like a struggle
Depression and Ennui can suck the fucking life out of you. I lived like that for fucking years.

These days I'm doing alright though, so hopefully you can get better too

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>>83508194
good night anon. have sweet dreams.

>>83508221
>ill tell your brain to shut up and leave you alone telepathically. no one is mean to my dear anons on my watch!
thanks thanks. im sorry you have to do this. i have nothing to drink on hand you see....
>but take care of yourself too desu.
i don't know how really. things are not under my control to how can i take care of them you know?
>we can talk about what you ate yesterday
i actually forgot most of yesterday. im growing more and more forgetful. at first i thought that it might be cause im eating less but no, my weight is still the same. i say this a lot but i just don't know. this week, the one before, the one a month ago, they all feel so similar but i don't know what happened. its the same thing over and over again and i can't break out of it.
>these last few days have been especially draining for you
it was this way for a bit now. it started before this one so Christmas couldn't be the cause. i don't really mind being this way however. if anything, more of this could make things more bearable.
>you can try to only watch, rather than participate in it.
i wish i could just watch but people are forcing my hand.
>so i can't say for sure that i understood
you just change out the bit and it does something new. wanna cut? put the cutting disc on. wanna sand? but the sanding bit in. everything that needs something to spin is doable with this. rotary tools are very versatile.
>i'd like to learn how to make more stuff with wood one day
i also wanna do more. too bad that its sorta noisy and expensive at times.
>it's great desu.
yeah i heard nice things about pizza tower. never knew it had mods like that. im glad you're have fun with it.
>which one would you like to get?
probably a cirno one. probably also fake
>haha... ha... AAAAAAAAA
hmmmm. what if we pretend that you never broke that tire and also never got that money? the end result is the same but you never did any wrong!

>>83507326
>are you okay?
Not really.
>you can tell me if something's worrying you.
Nah, I'm good. Don't wanna bore with the details. I appreciate the gesture though.
>good job on making it through christmas! how did it go? did you get anything nice?
I got a nice shirt and some socks.

>>83508216
>im pretty comfortable around my aunt
Yeah, I suppose that much makes sense, you seem to have fewer issues with awkwardness around people you know well at least. I do also struggle with sitting still for some reason, but thankfully tapping my foot seems to help, I guess it gets all that excess energy out. Pacing would feel pretty awkward for me so it's nice you were able to do that with others around, pacing is more something I like to do when I'm on my own. It's good for daydreaming I find, gets the mind going.

>stop my thoughts from bouncing in my head
Humm, you get thoughts like that even in social situations? I usually can't help but pay attention to what's being talked about, so much so that I can't think anything on my own. Which was kind of annoying when I had day shift at my work because I'd want to think about something or daydream and couldn't because there was someone talking on the phone or whatever in the background and I couldn't help but listen in on it.

>alarms
Gah, I already said I would do this and then I did it for like one day and stopped... I'm sorry for letting your advice go to waste Anon. I'll try to always set alarms now! No sleeping unless I have alarms set.

>what else could work
Having something to look forward to could help I guess... but sadly the depression's been not so good lately. I don't think the higher dose of meds is doing anything at all.

>GregTech
Oh huh, you had the energy to do that even when you were feeling so bad? That's nice, I thought you'd be bedridden and listening to DnB or something. Maybe that's why you're feeling a bit better today already. If it was exhilarating, why never again??? At least you were doing something fun and not just wasting time online which is what I usually do when I'm staying up late, so it's not that bad.

>being around relatives
Yeah... I'm glad I don't have to do that much, because when I do it also reminds me of how useless I am. Comparison really is the thief of joy.

Cont.

>>83508584
>hopefully you'd get something you like...
Indeed, but I can't blame people for not getting me things I'd like because there just isn't much stuff I like or want... that's why food gifts are so good I guess, I do like food and it's something you can't already have too much of because it's a consumable. For the same reason I think I'd like something like flowers as well, it's something nice I could enjoy looking at for a while but eventually they die so it's not like once I have them I never need new ones again.

>i blame my mom for always making me feel bad for receiving anything.
Yeah, I think you're right about this. That kind of stuff can really shape us, especially if she did that when you were younger as well. Strangely I don't think anyone tried to make me feel guilty for receiving things, so I'm not sure why I'm like this... I guess it's just because of having been a NEET freeloader for as long as I was.

>left to freeze to death
Well that's a bit much lole... but yeah, I do also feel like I deserved to be kicked out earlier and not allowed to NEET as long as I did. Actually I still haven't even told my parents I have a job so in a way I'm still NEETing... bah. But yeah, I guess we gotta try to appreciate what we have more instead of feeling guilty about it. Funny how much of a hypocrite I am considering what I was telling you yesterday...

>i hit a sidewalk
Ouch... I guess you can't just blame it on random debris on the road then, sadly. Did it go boom or just deflated slowly? Regardless it's pretty much a nightmare situation for me, I would probably have a panic attack if that happened to me... so good job on handling it more or less calmly Anon. And thank goodness it wasn't far from home. I can't blame you too much for not taking the bike since it's winter and it does get kinda cold when you have the wind blowing in your face like that, I'm also not riding mine much even though I was looking forward to winter...

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>>83508584
>feel pretty awkward
i suppose it is but i never really noticed, until recently. there's an autistic guy that does it in my class quite often, and now i feel self aware every time i do it... i also tap my foot or fingers, though i do it really really fast
>what's being talked about
if it's something that interests me then yeah i also pay attention, but otherwise im able to kind of ignore them. its still kind of annoying though.
>No sleeping unless I have alarms set
good! i hope it actually helps. but you have to follow through with your promise!
>is doing anything at all
mhm, that sucks. perhaps its time to switch to new ones, i dunno. also, are my threads not enough of a motivation for you to get up? hmph...
>why never again?
it was mostly fun because it was novel and im sure that i will get bored if i play again, plus every single minecraft server that ever existed dies within a week or two so i'd rather spend my time doing something else.
>Comparison
so it is. i wish i could stop comparing myself but at this point i kinda do it automatically without even thinking, it sucks.
>like flowers as well
those are really good gifts too. hopefully i'll get flowers on a day that isn't my funeral. also my aunt gave me (and my mom) a bundle with tons of nice ingredients so that made me happy.
>when you were younger
especially when i was younger. i think she was probably conditioned by her dad to be that way, but i remember one time i got yelled at for asking 2 euros from a relative. 2 euros. i was like 8. no wonder im scared to even ask for 1 now.
>even told my parents
i think you should try reaally hard to tell them. at least when you're sure they wont fire you. nothing bad is going to happen i promise you.
>just deflated
yeah. the car bounced back slightly which startled me because i thought i smashed the entire side, but thankfully it wasn't the case. i would've went by bike, but my mom told me to get the car... sigh. i need to just do things my way.

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>>83508304
>sudden mood swings
ah i get you anon i've had them for the longest time aswell. can't really say i know how to stop them, best we can do is try to appreciate the brief moments of motivation and happiness we get. right now i feel like hugging everyone but im sure in the span of a day im just gonna go back at hating everything and wanting to die.
>tfw_no_gf
rough, i hope it stops bothering you again. i dont think i'll ever be able to make peace with it myself. i wish you luck in your search for the one if thats what you plan to do though.
>hid in my room
understandable.
>>83508313
damn, thats awful anon, im sorry you gotta go through that, on your birthday nonetheless... i feel like there aint much i can say that can help. try your best. don't overthink things. cut contacts and try your best to get over it, and forget it asap. getting stuck on these kind of issues never does anyone good. sometime people are just not who you think they are, and that's all there is to it, i feel like she's the one that has something wrong, not you.
>>83508422
>Xbox when I was like 17
ah how i envied people with actual consoles at the time. all i had was a nintendo ds, and then a 3ds. i did play the shit out of every game i could get my hands on at the time though! also mostly played by myself all the time.
>can suck the fucking life out
that they do. so many things i couldve been had i not developed these cursed brain of mine into what it is now. i feel like my life has been robbed from me. but yeah, someday it'll be better one way or another
>>83508453
>nothing to drink
good, otherwise my telepathic waves would get disrupted by your drunkness! youre welcome also.
>i don't know
there's two things you can do when things are out of your control: worry because they are, not worry because they are. i know its easier said than done, but try to be more relaxed about it all. everything's going to shit and there's nothing you can do about it? then sit back and watch it all burn.

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>>83508453
>feel so similar but i don't know what happened
mhm, its the same for me. when you follow routine and nothing really happens then the weeks blend together, then months, then years... even more so if you're neeting. what about today then? or christmas day?
>couldn't be the cause
well it could've certainly made it worse or prolonged the bad times... i hope it passes soon anon!
>people are forcing my hand
i know, its difficult to avoid it completely, we're all forced to partake in our role eventually. just try not to lose yourself in it is all im asking.
>everything that needs something to spin is doable
oh! i think i get it now. where do you even hook up those tools? do you have a garage or something where you do all the work? also, can you tell me the name of the tool in german? im curious.
>sorta noisy
oh i know. saws and nailguns are very noisy. i remember having to shoot nailguns that were bigger than my arm and they'd make me slightly deaf for a second if i didnt wear protections.
>never knew it had mods like that
its honestly a very impressive mod. it changes almost every single sprite in the game to custom made genshin ones, with sounds aswell. unironically one of the best mods ive ever played, and also very silly one.
>cirno
good choice desu. i have a reimu but i wanna get a cirno too
>pretend that you never broke that tire
well if i could just forget about all my problems then i think i'd be happy by now...
>>83508571
>Don't wanna bore
hm, you're not going to bore me, im here to listen after all. but i wont pry if you dont want to, i hope you feel better soon. i got a nice pair of baggy jeans and it's the only time i have been genuinely happy with receiving clothes.

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>>83508723
>everything's going to shit and there's nothing you can do about it? then sit back and watch it all burn.
i can't really sit back when i am the thing burning you know. but yeah i get what you mean.
>nothing really happens then the weeks blend together
its not that it blends together but just that i can't remember. i can do something cool and different but i just dont know.
>what about today then? or christmas day?
uhh today i got up, made some coffee and.. did some chores and now im here. and on Christmas i did the same basically in addition to... doing some extra chores before the party? yeah then i had to pretend like im present and that's it. can't visualize a single thing anymore.
>made it worse or prolonged the bad times... i hope it passes soon anon!
its not that bad i think. im even more tired and at night im kinda drunk despite being sober. but a clear mind would still be better, thanks.
>just try not to lose yourself in it is all im asking.
yeah i get it. i will take care.
>do you have a garage or something where you do all the work?
its all in my room. its sorta crowded and messy but it works.
>also, can you tell me the name of the tool in german? im curious.
it looks like it doesn't have one lol. we borrow "multi-tool" or "Multifunktionswerkzeug" but that can be used to describe like a billion things. Maybe there is a proper name but i can't quickly find one, not even on the packaging.
>they'd make me slightly deaf for a second if i didnt wear protections.
uhh how do you know that? you DID wear ear protection all the time, right, anon?
>well if i could just forget about all my problems then i think i'd be happy by now...
yeah that was a stupid suggestion. sorry.

>>83508717
>autistic guy that does it
Ah yeah, it's definitely a neurodivergent trait. I guess for you it's because of your ADHD. One of the autistic guys at my job also would put on music and pace around the living room, looking at him reminded me of myself and really made me feel like I'm more fit to be living in one of these group homes, instead of working there.

>i do it really really fast
Hehe... for some reason I think that's kinda cute desu. Too bad other people usually don't think that and just find it annoying.

>im able to kind of ignore them
Well that's good at least, for the most part. Unless they suddenly ask you something and you're like "uhh what have we been talking about for the past half an hour again?"

>promise!
Uh oh did I just make a promise!? Ahhhh well now I really have to follow through with it... Well, maybe I needed a bit of pressure. Thanks Anon!

>switch to new ones
Maybe... I wonder how long I'll have to stay on this carousel of going on meds > they work at first > they stop working > going on new meds. I heard it can take years before you find something that works permanently. I guess I should count my blessings, at least these ones worked for long enough for me to find a job. That's all that I was hoping for anyways.

>are my threads not enough
Of course they are Anonny! But now that I have this laptop I was just in my bed refreshing the catalog every once in a while to check if you posted instead of properly getting out of bed. And now I'm still in my bed typing this... I guess there were some downsides to buying it after all...

>dies within a week
Hmm, that does seem to be the case... I wonder why that is. I guess the early game when you're still gathering resources and stuff is just the most fun part of the game. I don't know how Minecraft is as popular as it is when it's like this, does anyone actually even play it for a long time? Or do people mostly start a new world, play for a bit, and then stop for months at a time?

Cont.

Cont.

>>83509074
>i wish i could stop comparing myself
Yeah, I do it automatically too... I don't know if you can stop it, but you can at least remind yourself that no matter how much better other people seem to be doing, in the end you'll all die and none of it really matters so you may as well focus on making the best of your own life instead of comparing where you are in the race to the graveyard. Or maybe that'd just make you feel worse, i dunno.... to me it's always been a bit of a comfort though. Even if I don't accomplish much, I'll die anyway and then there won't be a me to regret anything anymore.

>flowers on a day that isn't my funeral.
I hope you do!! It's such a nice gift, and not too expensive either. I'm surprised you haven't gotten any yet, I assume everyone knows you like them by now... Me, I still don't care for flowers all that much, I just think they work especially nice as a gift.

>nice ingredients
Oooh, for cooking? Tell me if you make something with them! Hopefully you can do something a little more fancy than usual!

>i remember one time i got yelled at for asking 2 euros
Gosh, that's awful! It really sucks how much parents traumatize their kids. And that goes for her too, I'm not surprised it comes from her father, that stuff gets passed on. My mom was also pretty badly traumatized by her dad I think, he was a pretty awful person when he was younger.

>i think you should try reaally hard to tell them
Yeah... I mean, I'm going to have to eventually anyways, since they're only going to pay for this apartment I'm in for a year, and it's already been half a year. But I guess I'll probably just start paying the bills myself and if they ask me if I got a job I'll only have to say "Yes" and never speak to them again.

>mom told me to get the car
Aha, sounds like it's all her fault then! Or at least you can blame it on her in your head lole. Either way, good thing you got the money to fix it up already, it's pretty expensive I imagine.

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>>83507326
I sadly did not get a single thing for Christmas. I've felt like my need for attention has become worse with the way I act with my friends lately, and it's really annoying but most likely due to how extra lonely/worthless I've felt during this time of year. I used to not understand why Christmas and New Year's made some people feel so bad but now I do. Sadly no one person is able to realistically fulfill this need for attention, and it's not something that should be fed in the first place, lest I become complacent and demanding, with nothing to give in return but idiotic ramblings and completely self-centered actions.

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>>83508968
>i am the thing burning you know
you know the "this is fine" meme? thats how i feel all the time except im the one burning too. we just have to smile through it i guess...
>i just dont know
me too, it feels like whatever i do gets put into a shelf in my brain and forgotten until someone else reminds me it's there. though sometimes i am able to remember things by myself too
>can't visualize a single thing anymore
that sucks... can you remember if you ate anything unique at christmas? if you think your memory is getting worse i think you should try using it more. try to remember things you did during the day everytime you go to bed, or remind yourself about the good fun ones you did every once in a while so you're sure you wont forget. i do that too
>its all in my room
you got a whole workshop in your room or something?
>doesn't have one
ah, i thought it was gonna be some stupidly long congregation of words like it usually is with specific names. even the generic name is still long enough... ah what a beatiful language german is.
>uhh how do you know that?
i was curious to know how loud they were so one time i took the (barely legal and sufficent) ear protection off and shot the thing. safe to say i never did it again!
>sorry
don't be sorry anone, i know you were just trying to cheer me up! i appreciate you.
>>83509074
>to be living in one of these group homes
well technically you're living there when you're at work...
>they suddenly ask you something
i dont have to worry about that much because seldom anyone ever asks me anything! which makes me a bit sad at times. but oh well, better than having to do small talk about the same things over and over.
>did I just make a promise
yes you did! so you better make sure you keep it.
>how long I'll have to stay on this carousel
i dont know, i hope it doesnt take any longer. and i hope i wont get stuck on it either.
>this laptop
in that case then you should only use it when you're outside!

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>>83509074
>how Minecraft is as popular
nostalgia, and yes, i think most people just have their phases. reason why it's so popular is because a LOT of people have those phases. plus mods also add infinite replayability and such. i know a guy that has been playing almost everyday for hours on end on his server for years now. i dunno how he does it
>none of it really matters
i do that, though it cuts both ways because then i start thinking why i even bother staying alive. but yeah, there's always a bigger fish no matter what, and others will always judge you no matter what, so i shouldn't even be worrying about these kind of things.
>everyone knows you like them
i dont think anyone (irl) does except maybe my mom. i haven't made it as clear, and no one ever bothered to ask me what i like anyway.
>you make something with them!
it's mostly just fancy pasta brands and such, with some sauces so that's all ill be making
>how much parents traumatize their kids
worst thing is, they may not even realize they're doing it. perhaps they think they're doing the right thing but in the end just make it worse. my mom has always been overbearing, warning me about things, not letting me do certain things. i know she did it because she cared about me, but in the long run it just made me into the uninteresting, loner that i am now, with no passions for anything. though of course, it's not just all her fault.
>I'll only have to say "Yes"
you really think they wont ask you what you're doing? silly anon

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>>83509300
hi anon, its nice to see you! sucks you didn't get anything for christmas... i hope the next one will be better, not just in terms of gifts.
>need for attention
i get that you dont want to annoy others anon, but you're just human too you know. its normal to want attention, and to want others to care about you. dont be too hard on yourself okay?it's good that you're keeping yourself in check, but dont let it transform into hate towards yourself for asking what you need.
>but now I do
i've made this realization myself, not too long ago. same with how demoralizing, and hurtful going outside can be sometimes. seeing all those people, seeing couples, it is unbearable at times. it makes me feel a type of loneliness so deep its hard to describe. but uhm, i hope we'll both be better one day! do your best. also idiotic ramblings can be funny sometimes.

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>>83509441
>idiotic ramblings can be funny sometimes
I don't make the funny kind. More so the autistic over-yapping kind that people don't really know how to respond to other than give a vague acknowledgment of... but you said I shouldn't be too hard on myself. It's hard but I'll try, sure. Have you ever related to someone in a way that made you want to pursue a relationship with them? What was it like? It's daunting to think of just how many things inside your head can change, once you feel like you're going places with another person. All to make the fall hit even harder. As for wanting attention... the problem is that people aren't usually around to give me the time of day at all, so all I can really do is twiddle my thumbs or play a game. Meh... I think you said your Christmas had been good, right? So that's nice to hear at least.

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>>83507326
I've been neglecting my health lately, but I feel at peace. Like everything will be wonderful

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>>83509433
>we just have to smile through it i guess...
some day we will be able to smile without forcing it. Im sure of it.
>though sometimes i am able to remember things by myself too
that is something were the meds really help. i haven't taken them and worked consistently enough to know how they affect long-term memory but they sure help with short-term.
>can you remember if you ate anything unique at christmas?
nothing out of the ordinary really. but that's not me being stupid but we really did eat nothing special.
>if you think your memory is getting worse i think you should try using it more
hmm so i just turn on my brain, got it. No but seriously i will try to do what you suggested. I remember less about how i was as a child or as a teen than colleges. I really feel dement but it was that way since childhood so whenever i picked up some unfinished piece i think is stupid i just think "Old anon intended it to be that way, lets continue". Dunno did i explain this random thing well? What im trying to say is that i was always this way to the point where little me developed copes about it.
>you got a whole workshop in your room or something?
i don't have a workshop per say (i only own two small power tools) but now that i look at it... half of my room if not two thirds is random tech, parts, and other knickknacks, so kinda.
>ah what a beatiful language german is.
i did find some more descriptive names but they are all very very similar. amazing language i know. i unironically like these stupid things. If you want to know what good marketing looks like its "Planetenverteidigungskanonenkommandant". I sure know what game i will buy next.
>safe to say i never did it again!
nice. that's good anon. speaking from personal experience, taking care of your hearing is important. same goes for outside of work too.
>, i know you were just trying to cheer me up! i appreciate you.
i know that you know but still... feelings mutual however.

>>83509633
>No but seriously i will try to do what you suggested
and thanks for the suggestion anon*

>>83509433
>you're living there when you're at work...
Considering I'm just doing whatever I want on my laptop, yeah, I suppose you could say so...

>seldom anyone ever asks me anything!
I think that's probably for the best, usually when people ask me stuff it's all the things in life that I'm behind on and it's embarrassing to answer since well I basically have no life. I imagine it would probably make you more depressed if you got asked things like that so it's good they don't ask you anything. Though, I wonder why your mom even brought you along if you just ended up pacing around the whole time and didn't really talk to anyone...

>yes you did!
I-I did not intend to... but okay, I'll try my best Anonny!

>i hope i wont get stuck on it either.
Me too! It should at least be easier with ADHD meds, I don't think there are as many to even choose from... though I'm no doctor so I wouldn't really know.

>you should only use it when you're outside!
Uuu... but it's so convenient...

>a LOT of people have those phases
Hm, wonder why I don't have that much nostalgia for it... maybe it's because I do still watch some Minecraft content on YouTube sometimes, so I always get a bit of a drip feed of it. Mods do make sense though, with how many there are for MC it's not too strange you can keep things fresh for a long time. But you know my opinion on mods desu...

>i dont think anyone (irl) does except maybe my mom.
Oh. Not even your childhood friend? Don't you send anyone flower pictures? I assume it's kind of the same with your love for Hu Tao, not many people IRL know, since you are subtle with your merch of her and all.

>no one ever bothered to ask me what i like anyway.
That's really sad Anon... I'm sorry it's like this. You deserve to be known and your preferences matter!

Cont.

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>>83509678
>fancy pasta
Ah, too bad it's more pasta when that's already all you eat.. I guess it was a safe choice for your aunt though since she knew you eat that a lot. Better than getting you something you don't like at all I suppose.

>they may not even realize they're doing it
Very true... that makes it rather hard to place the blame on them, too. I guess all we can do really is to blame the world itself for being how it is.

>i know she did it because she cared about me, but in the long run it just made me into the uninteresting, loner that i am now, with no passions for anything.
I am you but worse... my mom was the same too, she didn't make me feel guilty about things at least, but she was indeed pretty overbearing and overprotective. Even now, she was actually discouraging me from getting a job because she thinks I can't handle it well she isn't wrong I guess with how depressed it's been making me.... No wonder I grew up to have no life at all... I guess it's sadly now our responsibility to fix ourselves because no one else will do it for us... ugh, how I hate that.

>they wont ask you what you're doing?
Oh no.. you're right they'd totally ask. Arghhh. I guess I'll just try to evade answering or say "I don't know" a bunch until they hopefully leave me alone. There ain't no way I'm telling them what sort of job I'm doing.

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>>83509540
>the autistic over-yapping kind
...that's what i meant though. i like them, i do them too, though mine are mostly just depressing tangents. but i like reading what others have to say. why do you think i make these threads?!
>made you want to pursue a relationship with them?
yes, i did. i dont think i have ever met anyone like them. they were the someone i felt for the most and the one that felt for me too. it was wonderful! i felt understood, i felt cared for. it was the first time in my life that i really felt like someone understood me and all of my problems, my cravings for death, my hatred for life. it felt like i wasn't alone anymore, it felt like my struggles had purpose, it felt like that little flame of hope in me finally found something to burn brighter for! but of course, nothing good lasts, and they're gone. forever.
>how many things inside your head can change
i know, i know. you hit the highest of highs only to fall down and dig a deeper hole. im sorry you had to go through this too. i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.
>all I can really do is twiddle my thumbs or play a game
better try and find someone who can give you the time you need then anone. but yeah, it's kinda like that for me too. i spend time waiting for the next interaction to come, and sometimes when it does im not even in the mood to be cheery anymore and so i just throw everything away. uh... anyway... have you been playing something fun lately?
>>83509573
>but I feel at peace
now that's what matters i think. everything will be okay in the end! if its not okay its not the end. take care of yourself though anon.
>>83509633
>Im sure of it
mhm. i hope so too.
>they sure help with short-term
really? that's useful then. man, it really seems like something like adderall would fix most of my practical problems. almost seems to good to be true.
>eat nothing special
aw. i have to make a christmas meeting for all anons and cook the most special dish of them all! it would be so nice.

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>>83509633
>just turn on my brain
exactly! you have never tried turning it off and on again have you?! to think that was the solution for all this time...
>i was always this way
well i mean it could be possible you just have a short memory, you know. it doesn't mean that you have onset dementia or anything. though i'd be lying if i said i also haven't suspected i have something like that building up in my head. i hope not!
>so kinda
heheh thats cool! you can build whatever you want in your own room. i wish i had at least a garage where to make stuff out of wood. mhmm, maybe i should pick up carving since i technically can do that in my room too. also, when was the last time you cleaned your room anon?
>good marketing
ah of course! i can't wait to play *that*. seems wunderbar! i also like those long words btw, they're funny. but thankfully most of the names i have learn are just ingredients.
>care of your hearing
i know, i know. i dont think i could bear becoming deaf. i'd go crazy without music or some noise to distract me.
>>83509678
>why your mom even brought you along
as much as i hate having to stay there for hours, i love my aunt and i miss seeing her so i wanted to go myself.
>convenient
convenience kills. or something like that. uh, make things harder for yourself or whatever the old people say. no but really stop using that laptop you dum.
>that much nostalgia
well it could be because us zoomers played it when we were kids and also for a lot more so the game got engraved in our brains more. i think im mostly nostalgic about the music than the game itself though.
>flower pictures?
...not really no. i dont really feel the need to share them with anyone other than people here, mostly because i think not a single person would give a shit. not that i expect anyone here to do either.

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>>83509686
>your preferences matter
sure they do, just like anyone else's. regrettably, it isn't much nowdays.
>actually discouraging me from getting a job
huh... really? my mom is the opposite on that regard. i mean considering you've been holding the job so far i think you're up to the task! to hell with whatever your mom thinks of you. prove her wrong!
>ain't no way I'm telling them what sort of job I'm doing
...why? i think it's a very respectable job desu. they might even be impressed. or is that still embarassing for you anyway?

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>>83509797
You might have seen them, but a few days before I started to avatarfag Ryubence I was making threads about a game called Momodora here, while also using those threads as a general diary for speaking to myself. That was a pretty fun game!Probably don't look for them in the archives though, because they might be kind of cringy. I don't know, it's not like I remember. Also, gooosh, I can relate to not feeling chipper anymore. I don't know what causes it... was it just the fact you didn't receive immediate gratification for the effort you put into your message? Or were suddenly awash with bad feelings? Both? Ahhh... for what it's worth, I did actually open up to a more longtime friend of mine yesterday, albeit only somewhat. It's just too awkward if you're not used to it. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. God I want to kms now... (not really)

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>>83509797
>really? that's useful then
yes really. how did you expect these pills to work? concentration and memory are basically the same thing but on different time scales if you ask me.
>almost seems to good to be true.
well it is and it wont fix everything but its still nice. I'd rather have it than not have it after all and i suggest everybody with ADHD to at least try them.
>it would be so nice.
that would be very nice actually. 4chan had those in the past put in the US. cute idea.
>you have never tried turning it off and on again have you?!
..not with intention......
>well i mean it could be possible you just have a short memory, you know
but until the past few years i was actually able to visualize things. You know that meme with imagining an apple? i could imagine a RTX shaded one that was also rotating with no issues. Now there is nothing there. Head empty. But head still hurts.
>heheh thats cool! you can build whatever you want in your own room
now i 'just' need to use my head and actually make things. i hope it goes better now that im back on meds again.
>mhmm, maybe i should pick up carving since i technically can do that in my room too
i wish you a lot of success. is a nice thing to do and im thinking about doing the same now. wood working in general is just nice. just don't get scammed by lumber prices please.
>when was the last time you cleaned your room anon?
i forgot. uhh three or so months ago? That is also when i realized that this room is impossible to keep tidy due to the amount of stuff i have. i like it this way anyways. reflects my mind pretty well.
>but thankfully most of the names i have learn are just ingredients.
wait until you need to learn dish names and then report back. there are some gems out there. my room is cosplaying as me!
>or some noise to distract me.
oh anon if you have damaged hearing you get plenty of noise. your ears are nice enough to fill in the blanks with tinnitus!

>>83510036
>there. my room is cosplaying as me!
uhh that belongs to the "cleaned your room" part sorry.

>>83509803
>i love my aunt
That's really good to hear Anonny! I'm glad you can still feel things like that towards your relatives. Try to hold on to that! Even if it's a bit boring to actually interact with them...

>stop using that laptop you dum
Gah... I will try Anon! Not completely perhaps but I do need to use it less, it's much better for my mood to be sitting in a chair than half-lying in my bed. For some reason. Also surprisingly enough less tiring.

>zoomers played it when we were kids
Hey I'm technically a zoomer too... I think. And I played it when I was a teenager but I guess maybe that's too late to really get that much nostalgia for it... I'm not too surprised you're nostalgic about the music, there's something nostalgic about it to begin with I think and in addition to that music is usually the thing I get most nostalgic about in games to begin with. It's sorta like certain familiar smells, it gets remembered more vividly than the visuals.

>not a single person would give a shit
Mm I guess it's true not that many people care for flowers, and if they did they could just have some in their home to look at instead of pictures... but I still like your pictures Anon! I hope you post more when spring comes around. Don't hoard them all for yourself!

>sure they do, just like anyone else's
Well it's good you acknowledge this much at least! Though I do secretly care more about your preferences than anyone else's, because you are very important to me Anonny!

>really?
Ah right, that's definitely one difference between our moms... and yeah, mine has been against it from the start though sometimes she randomly seems to encourage me to get one... I don't really know what she wants from me. I guess she just wants the best but doesn't know what that is either.

>you're up to the task!
Thanks for the encouragement Anon! Though I really feel like I've just been hanging by a thread.

>impressed
Oh god no... that would be very embarrassing indeed.

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>>83509908
>a game called Momodora
hm, i dont remember something like tha so i must've missed it. i looked at the steam page of the game though and it looks pretty cool! i really like that kind of pixelated games. and pixel art in general too. and i like platformers too... i might just play it after all. what did you like the most about the game?
>suddenly awash with bad feelings?
a bith of both yeah, but mainly it's this. my mood can go from high to underground in the span of an hour. so i might ask someone to play something, they answer in a hour, and i might just feel like killing myself by then, so i have to force myself to play or disappoint them and tell them i dont feel like it anymore. ugh. it sucks...
>I did actually open up
oh, you did? great work anon! it's awkward yes, but thats to be expected. did it go well? did you talk about what happened with them? also if you prefer not to say details thats fine desu.
>your friend
it's okay. i think i've cried all the tears i had left for them. at least i hope so. apologies if that part was a bit depressing.
>>83510036
>how did you expect these pills to work?
i dont know... i eat them and my brain goes bzzzt boom blim blom and it works or something like that.
>wont fix everything
as long as i can manage to sit still and study for more than 10 minutes thats already a win!
>past but in the US
apparently most of the cool things on this website happen in the usa. what a waste desu.
>i could imagine a RTX shaded one
ah i know what you mean. honestly i can't remember how i used to be able to imagine things, but now i can imagine rtx apples too, the only difference (i think) being that i can only do so for like a second before another thought comes in and takes the apple's place. or just fucks it up completely. so i think my imagination is somewhat vivid, just really messy. which makes me not want to even bother imagining things
>i 'just' need to use my head
ah yes, that's what we all need to do i think... good luck anon!

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>>83510036
>by lumber prices
huh, for what, wood? i can just go pick that up myself in the forests nearby. until i get caught that is (its illegal). i wanna make a small wooden bear first!
>i like it this way anyways
hmmm okay but having a tidy and clean living space helps a lot with mental health too i think... oh well. i dont think i could ever live in a messy room. everything has to be in it's place or i just get so annoyed.
>learn dish names
oh dont worry, i've had the displeasure of learning a few already. many have schnitzel in it or something of that extent.
>fill in the blanks with tinnitus
oh, how nice of them! thank you ears for giving me brain damage too!!!
>>83510102
>Try to hold on to that
i am trying, yes. sometimes i remind myself that they're not going to be alive forever and so i feel the urge to give them a hug.
>Also surprisingly enough less tiring
because your brain knows to be awake, if you're in bed lying down then it gets confused thinking it has to sleep. so get up already!
>it gets remembered more vividly
yeah, it does. sometimes when i listen to music i can recall exactly the moments in the past when i was listening to it. it's pretty fascinating.
>Don't hoard them all for yourself
oh dont worry about it, ill make sure everyone unlucky enough to wander into my threads is forced to see flowers every single time. well, technically they already are since tao has flowers too.
>because you are very important
mhm, so it seems... thank you.
>doesn't know what that is either
it's possible. mine has been kinda confusing too at times. i think after a certain age you kind of realize your parents are just humans too, after all. they're just regular people. they make mistakes, they're not omni sapient, they're just trying their best like everyone else. least most of them are. it sucked for me to have that realization. it was like a slap in the face.
>just been hanging by a thread
many of us are, but as long as that thread is there, so are we!

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>>83510208
>or something like that.
doctors don't quite know how they work either
>as long as i can manage to sit still and study for more than 10 minutes thats already a win!
well if we all cross our fingers i think you might be able to do it!
>which makes me not want to even bother imagining things
huh really? that's a shame...
i remember back when mine still worked i had all these crazy and unique day dreams all the time. had all this inspiration to doodle and talk. i think you should learn to control that power and harness it for good! Should definitely help with wood carving and all other creative tasks.
>i can just go pick that up myself in the forests nearby.
well i always thought that you need good and solid wood if you wanna carve stuff. maybe your place is different but all i can see around here is rotten or too thin to be useful.
>until i get caught that is (its illegal).
well don't go around committing crimes anon.. store bought stuff also saves you a lot of pre-processing you know.
>i wanna make a small wooden bear first!
sounds cute. then you will go up and up until you can do tao statues and then all is well.
>everything has to be in it's place or i just get so annoyed.
well everything has its place around here. its just that there is more 'everything' than 'place' if you understand. i still know where everything is and everything is sorted but it just doesn't look pretty, that's all.
>oh dont worry, i've had the displeasure of learning a few already
how are things going in school actually? i know there were some setbacks but i hope its good still! and do you already have something planned after school? (im sorry if i forgot or if you need to re-tell stuff others have already asked.)


oh and hello newcomer >>83509300. Nice to see you here too.

>>83510214
>they're not going to be alive forever and so i feel the urge to give them a hug.
That's nice... I need to do that more. I don't know why I'm so standoffish with my parents and relatives. I wish I could feel close enough with them to enjoy a hug, but every time they've hugged me before I just froze up and didn't really even hug back. And even though I really need a hug, the ones from them never seemed to satisfy that need, they just felt like... nothing. It really makes me feel kind of broken because they've never done anything to me for me to feel like that towards them.
Ah... sorry for all the negativity desu.

>if you're in bed lying down then it gets confused thinking it has to sleep.
That... makes a lot of sense actually. And I am up already since the last post! But thanks for the virtual kick in the butt Anon, hehe.

>i can recall exactly the moments in the past when i was listening to it
Same! It's really nice when that happens, those moments always feel a bit magical to me. I guess that's called seeing things through rose-tinted glasses. Unfortunately going back to those places where I was listening to a song never actually is as gratifying as it seems like it should be from what I remember of them when I listen to that song. Do you wish you could sometimes go back in time to re-experience moments like that? It's what I usually daydream of when listening to music. I usually imagine myself in third person for some reason though.
Also do you have random cafes and stuff playing music outside in your city? Sometimes I wish that sort of thing was more common and each place in a city had its own theme, kind of like in video games an area might have its own BGM. If I ever built my own city I would have speakers everywhere outside playing music that's fitting to that area.

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>>83510475
>>83510214
>forced to see flowers
Good! Shove them in their faces! Make them >imagine the smell! No but seriously I'm glad to hear that, I want moar flower pictures! I still look back at the ones I have saved quite often. I think if I ever move far away I might need to get some potted flowers, it would be nice to be able to smell them as well. Weren't you going to get a potted plant at some point Anon? Or am I misremembering? I know you said you are afraid you'd let it die so maybe I am misremembering...

>mhm, so it seems...
Hehe, thanks for understanding Anonny! I know it's weird and it would confuse me too if someone would say that I'm important to them. But it is what it is!

>it was like a slap in the face.
Huh, why is that? Did this realization come suddenly for you? I'm not sure when it came for me... it feels like I've known for a pretty long time now that they are just humans, and so it made it hard for me to blame them for anything, yet it still didn't make me hate interacting with them any less for some reason. And it makes me feel more guilty as well since I know they're trying their best. Did you use to blame your parents for things a lot?

>but as long as that thread is there
Well, let's hope no strong gusts of wind blow through then! For me it's usually a bit windy in the morning which always worries me... at least that's more predictable than things are for you. Your mind could have a random hurricane raging within it at any time it seems...

>>83507326
Been better, in a filler week of my life rn, got 2 dead cousins for xmas and now I'm back in the steppes with my relatives to mourn them

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>>83507326
>hi anon. are you okay?
i'm not
i feel like i am not able to connect with anyone

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>>83510399
>spoiler
thats uh... worrying...
>control that power
im hoping that the meds will help with that too. i surely would help me with writing down the plot for my campaign n stuff. and also imagine that im a forest with birds chirping instead of being stuck in some depressing place.
>good and solid wood
i mean yeah you do. it's probably better if i just go buy it somewhere, though gathering it seems more fun.
>don't go around committing crimes
cmonnnn they're fun! and technically, im not doing anything illegal if no one sees me do it...
>tao statues
i may have a prospecting carving future but i doubt ill be the next michelangelo.
>where everything is
yeah i get what you mean, still to me it kinda sounds crazy. like, everything has to be in order, one way or another, or i get annoyed. there's a plushie slightly more to the left than where it should be? i notice and get annoyed. stuff like that.
>how are things going in school
i dunno, fine i guess. i have all decent grades except in math, so it should be okay... i hope. i dont know what im going to do after. ideally work in a restaurant somewhere but im scared i'll never be able to actually keep up with such a job. it really seems like im not fit for it.
>>83510475
>satisfy that need
it's the same for me too, but i know (or hope) they at least care about them so i try my best to give the hug back anyway. dont feel too bad about yourself anon, im sure the mental stuff you have going on isn't helping in being able to feel anything
>go back in time to re-experience moments like that?
sure. anything but the present seems better honestly. though i know it just feels that way because of the "grass is always greener" rule. it would be really cool if we had soundtracks in real life too, yeah. we dont really have music playing anywhere, if not in a few pizzerias. when i went to the huge con, they had speakers playing songs all over the ciy, and that was really nice. i wonder why they can't just do that all the time...

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>>83510487
>you going to get a potted plant
yeah, i want to get one. i regret not buying that flower i saw that looked like a spider lily... oh well. i dont even know where i'd put it right now anyway since i got no room for anything anymore. you should get some plants though. i think having a greeny house helps with feeling less like you're stuck in a concrete prison.
>why is that?
because it also made me realize, im going to have start "really" living soon enough. she's getting old, she can't do as many things as she used to anymore, she is just as fragile as anyone else. before, i always saw her as some kind of demigod that always knew how to fix every problem. but no, she's just a burnt out, lonely, tired person, like many others out there. like me. what if i have to start taking care of her instead? can i even do that? what if she dies? i dont know what the hell i'd do. i think i'd just die as well.
>a random hurricane
hm, yep indeed. they are getting less and less predictable. though i do feel like its starting to get windy right about now.
>>83510585
sorry to hear about your cousins anon. i hope things will get better soon, and you'll be able to have a good new year.
>>83510695
hardly anyone does i fear. everyone is too stuck in their own bubble to let anyone else in. just an unlucky period of time for people with feelings to be born in.


it's getting late and im starting to get sleepy so i'll go to bed now. thanks everyone for stopping by today. if everything goes well, i think ill make a thread on nye, so see you then i case you got nothing better to do! have a good night everyone.

>>83510744
Good night Anonner! I hope sleep embraces you gently and warmly, and you wake up feeling like hugging everyone! And thank you so much for talking with me today as well!

>>83510744
good night anon. have a nice week and a especially nice monday

>>83510744
yeah, thanks. it happens people die, it just happened a bit earlier than it normally would for most people

anyways thanks for the kind words I wish you the best in every aspect of life, tbf I didn't read everything but it seems you're going through a bit, I hope you're patient enough to get through everything

>>83510715
>it's the same for me too
Oh, is it? That's sad Anon, I hope you can get a hug one day that actually fills you with warmth. I think for me a hug from anyone other than my parents would do that, or so I assume at least. It's probably just with them that I feel nothing.

>anything but the present seems better honestly.
Mm yeah this is the case for me as well... future, past, it's all better than now at least. But it is probably an illusion, I know for a fact there were times in the past when I felt much worse than I do now, and yet those moments seem nostalgic to me now.

>they had speakers playing songs all over the ciy
Ah that does sound really nice! I imagine the music could also change based on time of day, to make it more fitting. I guess the one downside is that if the music is bad or not to your liking it would suck being forced to listen to it all the time... maybe this sort of thing is better reserved for events and whatnot after all.

> i regret not buying that flower i saw that looked like a spider lily
Ah so you do plan to get one after all, that's nice. But maybe you could get some actual spider lilies somewhere? Perhaps you can find them online, I'm not sure. Then it wouldn't have to just be one that looks like it! Though I don't know how well suited they are to being potted plants, maybe they can only grow outside or are very hard to take care of.

>no room for anything anymore.
Ahh... just as it should be...

> greeny house
That's the dream! Greeny house, greeny city, greeny forests all around it.. too bad I'm stuck in a desert for now.

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>>83511740
>>83510744
>"really" living
I still don't feel like I have. This isn't my real life... is it? Of course it is but I cope by thinking it's somehow not and my real life, with vampires and dragons and magic will start at some point soon...

>before, i always saw her as some kind of demigod
I see, so that's more what you meant. I suppose that's typical for kids to think that way of their parents, I still think of my dad that way I think. I haven't fully gone through this realization yet, I suppose. And yeah it is pretty scary... I don't know what I'd do either in all those situations. I've always just put off thinking about it. It's probably good you've started thinking about it already, at least it won't catch you unawares if something does happen to your mom. But hopefully she still has many years ahead of her though, I assume she isn't *that* old unless she had you at a really late age. Though I guess you are the youngest brother...

>though i do feel like its starting to get windy right about now.
Oh no! Hopefully you managed to get tucked into bed before the winds really picked up. And hopefully by morning things will have calmed down.