Depression and I have spent some time together.
But I haven't really thought of suicide for over 24hrs.
Alright, not my suicide, but a girl, yes, a girl, that I knew, died last week, only heard of it yesterday.
Sucks, she was alright.

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i cant enjoy anything
i am reminded of painful memories at every turn and have just been trying to survive
ive made a lot of progress, i might be able to get a house soon, which is a goal ive had my entire life... but it would just be me in it. i should be happy, i should be enjoying my solitude, but i am alone and all i can think about is my ex and how i wish i could share this. ive worked so hard.
why?
it all feels so empty.

>>83614330
it's really what's the point i'm stuck in a loop
wake up do nothing repeat and it's not like i lack things to do the things i can do never result in anything worthwhile
i tried to be normal tried to do the right things tried to get a job tried to make friends tried to be in a relationship tried to care about anything
it's at the point where i don't think im even depressed im just not fucking right
i can talk to someone for six straight fucking months daily and not care about them at all despite wanting so badly to
i can share myself or what there is of myself and i dont feel any closer to them
theres no difference than if don't even bother trying to get a gf trying to love a girl
go through all the motions of care and what does it end with? looking for the door
but god forbid they leave first and im devastated just like im devastated every time i realize how distant i am from my relatives how theyre starting families and i cant even bring myself to want that. i want to want it but i cant. stuck stuck stuck can't fucking get out of it. i just want to be here forever and do nothing but the constant
injections
from the outside, from reality
just eat at me
like i can't escape even if i wanted to
and it sounds so fucking pathetic writing it down boo fucking hoo sob sob
the only time i feel ok is when someone is using me
and that's the only way i know how to exist
these fucking moments in between are like drifting in space

the only thing that depresses me is seeing how depressed other people are

i am unloved and i want to kill myself seeing people receiving love.

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>>83614391
>>83614396
Once you're really closing in on suicide, a little bit of melting your brain with medication may be alright.
If you can't enjoy anything anymore, that dear brain chemistry is probably not optimal. Not at all.

>>83614330
Do you exercise? I recently started biking a bit and I feel slightly less depressed for an hour or two afterwards.
The "just take a run bro" advice kinda works if you don't get any exercise otherwise.

>>83614396
and why the fuck do i even like people who don't give a shit about me, can't give a shit about me. i know what they want vapid attention or an emotional crutch because despite it all i am the most outwardly stable person theyll ever know. and it's not fulfilling at all except in the moment where it feels purposeful but then after it feels like waste. but anything else feels like a trap. oh you really like me, oh you really care about me, well what do you want from me? and they say nothing and their actions align with their words but i can never
trust
anyone like that. id rather someone stab me in the face than hold me because at least i understand being stabbed. what the fuck kind of retarded way to live is that? where abuse is more tolerable than love. like the only things that can ever hurt me are love and abandonment. but then all i get is abandonment because i only look for people who will compulsively do that. is this self flagellation is this some self harming cycle i feel like i deserve it or do i feel like its all i can have? what a waste
and all the things i should be doing never get done. try, fail, never try again. why bother. everything is on fire and im sitting here crying on r9k like its productive at all thanks for reading the blog guys by the way.
>>83614422
im not suicidal and i dont think im even depressed

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>>83614455
>im not suicidal and i dont think im even depressed
Yeah, I now can tell from what you wrote.

>>83614455
but i don't really like them i just gravitate towards them. mutual. parasitism. give them what they want and they give me what some semblance of normalcy some version of playing house some oh ill pretend to love you even though i cant and you pretend to give a shit even though you dont and the lie is better than anything real could ever be in that moment until it all implodes and then im left feeling used. is this how women feel when they get pumped and dumped? but they actually want something real and i want someone to. i don't know. what do i even want? i just bounce from thing to thing meaningless every single one and never once learn a single thing about myself. do i have fucking bpd? there is no me but it's never bothered me. i don't want to have any impact. any lasting moment. i want to disappear at the end of the day and be forgotten but is that just as you kids say "cope"? i think if i am then ill be rejected tormented ripped apart but, if im not then what blessed neutral hell. and if anyone is reading this you're thinking oh he got dumped but that's not the case. my saliva tastes alkaline and there's a burning from my chest into my neck up into my head what emotion is that? depression is melted ice and rotting organs and this is not that. i haven't felt this one before. sick in the back of my throat. conversations i need to have that i dont want to even approach. i want for nothing or rather i want nothing. sit in my void a while and float. but i can't.
>>83614431
i exercise a lot but it does not prevent these mood shifts i am generally fine and will be again tomorrow or the next day or the next or the you get the point
>>83614499
it doesnt taste like depression so its not

>>83614330
Do drugs to fix it

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>>83614565
>it doesnt taste like depression so its not
It does sound a bit like cope.

>>83614565
maybe im scared maybe this is a sense of mortality and doom maybe thats alkaline and burning. maybe im scared of the future. maybe im scared of changes that i dont want to happen. dear diary / r9k i do not want anything to change i am incapable of handling it. i do not want to confront any issues in my life. i do not want to attempt to repair broken connections. i do want to address my childhood trauma. i do not want to go to therapy and i especially do not want to go to family therapy. i do not wish to talk to these people i do not wish to get back in their good graces. i would rather it all rot away on the vine and suffer than expend any energy and put myself in the position to be hurt in the hopes of saving something they themselves want to save. surely this is the rational choice to suffer forever rather than work to not. i would rather sleep. i would rather cry on r9k. i would rather do anything. what is even the end of this? i am such a broken thing. will i work? no. will i be self sufficient? never. will this nonstop cycle of dissociation ever end? of course not. any perturbation and i break like glass. why not. why not be the most delicate person i know. but of course no one really notices it because i hold my shit good. well i inflict it all on your here today sorry robots. i could be fully fucked out of my skull and no one would even know except in those rare moments when my body finally decides to quit and i am reduced to an immobile heap crying on the floor on the verge of vomiting and unable to breathe so attractive i know ladies get in line. do they even make a pill for that? anti-psychotics never helped. anti-depressants never helped. the various other chemicals never helped. therapy never helped. friends never helped. family never helped. relationships never, well that's not true. what's a better distraction than a relationship? i am so stable when i can ignore everything to focus on someone else. so healthy. maybe i really am bpd.

>>83614606
i only know my emotions by the taste on my tongue and the feeling of my flesh and muscle and organ and bone. i have never felt this one before. i don't know what it is. i feel physically weak but i'm not thinking of death, i don't taste melted ice, i don't feel like i'm rotting and the pain i feel is different in kind than the depression. this is something else.

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i just wanted to have a purpose
being funny or cool or helpful or useful, anything
but i can't help it but be the opposite

>>83614639
but i told a lie i know what i want
but i hate saying it
i know it'll never happen because i am a rotted thing atrophied from years of neglect i have never learned to be human i have no way to really care for another person
and this is the absolute highest of selfishness
but i want to be loved
or accepted
without any acting without hiding anything for someone to look at me and somehow like what they see
as if someone could see a mutilated dilapidated kicked in rotted down soul and desire it
i don't think ive ever even felt close to that even the people ive known who have been through worse, and its not like i went through anything terrible, they have all had more of a spark more of a draw more beauty in their being than i could ever have
i offer nothing i ask for too much so
ill stay stuck playing house playing pretend hello you reptile ill pretend to love you and you do the same are you kissing me or tasting the meat satiate yourself on me im poison flesh youll get sick but i cant care in the least
and one day youll find a better toy
and ill go back to wishing i was more
disgusting
im going to see if i can snap a tendon on the bench press wish me luck everyone

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>>83614663
I'm not a pro, but it can manifest in different ways, say, being suicidal for example, is not a requirement.
How it tastes, I do not know, but what you described certainly does not sound healthy.
Any plans on changing that?
>>83614756
Alright, later then, have fun.

>>83614792
i don't know maybe i am depressed but usually when im depressed i feel very different than i do now. this feels more like im being attacked like im primed for fight or flight. i dont know how to fix this. i want to just ignore it until it goes away but someone else is involved and they want to help but thats the last thing in the world i want especially since theyre the cause of a lot of this. every time i interact with them is like pulling teeth and im left so fucking hurt at the end i dont think they even mean to but its how it happens. how can someone know me all my life and still not understand me. like theyre putting some false image of me superimposed and acting on it instead of me. maybe they mean well. maybe im selfish maybe im immature.
i did not have fun. i didnt have the energy to go heavy enough to hurt myself.

>>83614330
I have the kind of depression that doesn't make sense. I should be a very happy person. I have a really good life. But I'm still depressed. I had a couple days off of work and I said "I'm going to clean my apartment," which is so disgusting that I'm starting to get flies. But I can't bring myself to put in even the slightest effort. I really hate myself.

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>>83615348
Well, in all seriousness, it doesn't sound good what you're going through.
But how to fix it, yeah, though question.
One thing to be said, with the person not really understanding you. Did you try to clearly communicate all this with the person? (not that that necessarily is a good idea)
And of course the person can't see in your head.
Plus your head seems a bit more complicated than the average.

Not a pro, if it just keeps going on and you can't improve, maybe look for professional help.
Better than doing nothing.

>>83615480
its hard to communicate anything to anyone. i dont like saying how i feel or how i think. i have in the past but he almost brushes it off as oh it cant be that it has to be this or it can be that and this at the same time. like he prefers me to be one way and will force it in his mind. he wants us to go to therapy together i dont really want to but i dont have anything better to do. i want to be a ghost i want to flit about unseen forever i dont want to deal with corporeal things at all. its just too much. too much suffering too much work too much spinning in place with nowhere to go. my whole life has felt like. do you know mario 64? the staircase that you run up and it keeps going and going unless you've unlocked the final area? my life is like that. all the progress i make is seemingly undone by new issues arising. i used to be so depressed. i wasnt eating i was soaked in alcohol and unwashed unmaintained passively suicidal all the time. and i got over it. and then i was addicted to drugs and i got over that. and then and then and then. and now its like. i dont even understand. its like i suddenly developed ptsd i know i always had it but its so fucking intense now and i dont understand why. its one thing after another and the last i dont know the last 6 or 7 months is just one dissociation after another and i try to bring this up to him and he acts like. i cant even put this into my head its just miserable and im so tired of this. if they were just going to abuse me why even have me

>>83615521
>do you know mario 64? the staircase that you run up and it keeps going and going unless you've unlocked the final area?
People would use a glitch to get to the top, haha.
But your options seem limited. Kicking yourself in the ass and trying that therapy might be necessary.
And, you seem unwilling to separate from that person. Despite...all this?

The only way to cure my depression is to cure my 4" penis

>>83615567
i do know about the backwards long jump but im afraid its impossible in real life. theres no quirks of the physics engine to abuse here. i have tried therapy before but maybe it would be productive. i dont know. i dont know anything. i feel so spaced out. its a complicated situation. removing a parent from your life is never easy especially when you live in their house and eat food their money buys. he makes some effort but the effort is always in the wrong direction. i dont understand. i dont know if im crazy or if hes doing this on purpose or what. or. i am very mentally ill obviously.
the other negative. downside. of therapy. therapists usually turn me away. cant you help you cant take your money go somewhere else. so what happens if i go again and get told that again. i am so tired of it. tired of nonstop severance. as if any person who gets to know me even briefly will inevitably find me distasteful. i know its not rational i know it cant be true but what if i was just born wrong. under a bad star. and now im marked in some way that everyone can see but me and. they just turn away and turn away and turn away. even if i fake it even if i lie and im so good at pretending i can be downright charming but it wears thin. they see through it. they leave. sorry not what i want sorry i got bored sorry im just leaving you now. if my own family. if they cant even then what how am i supposed to exist like that? im usually better than this but a perfect confluence of events and im just defenseless. usually its fine being alone. should stop caring about other people entirely.

>>83615632
Good luck.
The quality of therapists and psychiatrist can vary massively.
Personally, I would say maybe 10-15% are actually overall good, and may be specialized into different issues, so it may take a couple attempts to find one that fits you.
Obviously, even with the self defeating cope that you sprinkle in, you do have a desire to improve your situation.

>>83615577
You jest anon, but it really does feel like a few fixes and my life would go on an upwards spiral. If I could be taller and have the agency to do stuff, I'd be in a significantly better place.

>>83615811
thanks
ive seen enough of both of those to know the quality is very uneven. makes getting treatment annoying. the ptsd stuff is easier to treat but my core issue is not treatable.
im just having a pity party. ill still be alive tomorrow and the day after and so on. the only thing i can do is keep moving. not like i want to suffer or wallow for long. ive also now hit a pretty smooth dissociation so im feeling nice and away. alkaline and burning are gone. stomach is floaty. saliva sweet. happy days.

>>83615862
You're welcome.>>83615862
>im just having a pity party. ill still be alive tomorrow and the day after and so on
Hahaha, that can happen, yeah.
You have a way with words, maybe writing something would be worth a try.

>>83614396
You do nothing because you're stuck in a loop of self loathing thinking. It turns out when you're exposed to positive experiences and thoughts your brain makes more dopamine and other chemicals, which increase motivation and make you want to keep doing more and more.

The problem is you only see the negative side of things so you're starving your brain of dopamine and motivation. You tried to improve but for some reason you failed, and now it's all you think about. You associate improving with negativity and failure, that's why you don't do anything.

Instead of thinking of the negatives, the pain of talking to new people, the pain of studying and working hard, you need to think about the REASON the want to do these things, what you want to achieve in life and why you want to do it. Life is going to be hard either way, but when you associate hard work with positive emotions and the good outcome that you're working towards, your brain will reward you with dopamine and it becomes infinitely less hard.

If you spend the next 10 minutes learning something new, you'll feel good about yourself because you actually tried for once, you'll associate it with a positive experience and the next time you do it you have more dopamine and want to do again.

>>83616011
i think about writing sometimes. keeping a diary or doing creative writing. i dont know. mostly when i feel like getting something out i come here and do it. never like this. usually write stories and post them here. pretend theyre real. or make them obvious jokes. maybe it would be better to write something private and less transient. thank you for the kind words and thank you for talking with me anon.

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>>83614330
Parents are getting a divorce after 25 years of marriage (I'm 36; this isn't either of their first divorces either). My mom's moving to the other side of the country, possibly out of the country, and my step-father's keeping the house I came of age in (bio-dad died in 2021, his family hasn't spoken to or tried to see me since 2007). My mom says she wants to meet at a nearby mall to see me for what will more than likely be the last time we see each other's faces. It especially hurts, because I have fond memories of going to that mall with her from my childhood. Feels like she's dying without actually dying, and I'm going to be all alone. No wife, no kids, no gf, no bf, etc. Truly, I am alone in this world.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

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>>83616055
>thank you for the kind words and thank you for talking with me anon.
You're welcome, it was a pleasure.

>>83616050
im not really self loathing most of the time. i do things usually. i learn things usually. my problems are centered around interpersonal relationships. left to my own devices i am semi productive and semi motivated. not incredibly so but enough. the real issue is that i have no way of bonding with another person. my brain doesnt allow it. i have tried and tried and now im tired of it. every single time its the same result. and its not like ive deprived myself of chances. ive had friends, ive had girlfriends. it all just falls away. it wears thin feels like a trap. a prison. and i get so. like a rat. looking for any way out. and i hurt those people and myself. or they grow wise early and make the sensible choice to cut me loose and i get hurt anyway. ultimately i dont want people. i want to to want them. i want them to want me. and i try to force it. and it doesnt work. and it hurts. and ive become so alone that im actually experiencing loneliness for a change and that hurts too and i really dont see the solution. im damned either way. if i could be ok with reading and learning and making little projects and never speaking to another human then i would be truly ok. but i am human and humans need other humans. so i am not ok. maybe there is a fix. maybe there is a way for me to be able to have a person in my life but i dont know what that way is.
everything is downstream of my loneliness. see i just learned something new. thanks for that.
>>83616101
Take care
>>83616058
why wont you see her again?

>>83615384
>no replies award

>>83614362
that's sad. sorry to hear about her passing. what was the last time you met?
>>83614696
don't be too hard on yourself. you have things that make you special.

>>83616149
sorry usually try to respond to everyone but i dont have the bandwidth tonight
depression doesnt always have a reason you do everything right and it still hits you. maybe theres something youre missing, maybe your brain isnt doing it right. there are things to try meds therapy diet exercise but what works, what doesnt is so random theres no way to say. sometimes have to force yourself to do what you have to do. clean your whole apartment. clean half of it. throw one thing away. even a minuscule thing can grow.

My depression has just turned into exhaustion. I'm tired all the time and no amount of sleep will fix it.

>>83616181
I've been on meds in the past. I used to think they were useless, but after a few periods of not using meds, I think that while they don't do much for my mood, they are highly effective at managing my abulia.

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>>83616132
>why wont you see her again?
She's moving across the country, and possibly out of the country. Plus, I don't accrue vacation days at my job.

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>>83616173
>that's sad. sorry to hear about her passing. what was the last time you met?
The person that told me could not actually tell me details for legal reasons.
But she probably ended it herself.
Last saw her December 17. at a dinner with friends. I noticed that she just kinda was in the background. Very unusual for her.
We had a very good talk in November.
It sucks, but also awesome to had her presence.

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Don't hold back, we know you're probably depressed!
I've been doing it for decades.
It's my normal.

I took 300mg of DXM 2h30 ago, it's been a while since I've done it and now I remember why, its really not worth it at all but here we are
I was tripping and thinking and it led me to a question for those of you who take SSRI or SNRIs
I read that DXM acts as a SNRI when taken in recreational dosages, which I definitely feel: masturbating becomes difficult and a very strange experience (just did about an hour ago) and when I cum, I cum normally on the physical part but the psychological part is completely fucked, like I don't get the "feel good" part at all of the orgasm since its completely blocked in the brain (at least that's my ape understanding of SNRIs). Another example, I yawned pretty hard about 30 mins ago, and those type of yawns usually always "feel good" in the sense that they release feel good chemicals because your body relaxes, but not on DXM because that part is blocked... so my body doesnt get to feel the "feel good" part and its somewhat of a mindfuck

so my question is, if you take SNRI or SSRIs for the treatment of depression, does that make you experience the situations im describing above? or is it completely different due to dosages

>>83616897
i been on snris and dxm and didnt really notice an intense feeling like dxm on snris. but for me high starts at 600mg hbr

>>83614330
My dad left the country when I was a teenager and I live with my mom. My little sister moved out and my little brother has another father that is nearby.
Anyway a few days ago at night she told me we would be kicked out the next day. She knew a long time ago this would happen and never told me. I'm a neet and I get neetbux and I pay for the internet and I have paid for a bunch of things including rent in the past. In fact we were on the verge of being kicked out twice before. She only gave me a few days to notify until we were kicked out she knew for months and I used my savings to keep us from being kicked out. Anyway she did this for the third time. I'm technically homeless right now. I had to order a hotel for the first time at some noisy train station. The apartment is locked up and if I don't get my items before 2 weeks after being evicted it's either going to be thrown away or trashed...
And throughout this entire few days period I had to sort so much garbage while my mom was crying and bitching and saying how shes a victim saying she was scared to tell me.
My little brother was there while we were being evicted and I was so mad at my mom for that. That she couldn't have arranged him to be with his father or little sister, but be at some hotel and be there while we are being kicked out. I had to fucking contact my sister and arrange it myself on the day of being evicted. He is safe right now..
Idk this is a lot of text. I have burned so much goverment money that was supposed to go to me on bailing out my mom and keeping her safe, on her being able to go to the right doctors for her health... Now I'm risking losing everything valuable i have because she didn't bother to tell me early...

>>83614330
yeah, I feel like shit. I'm mind fucked because i need reinforcement from certain people to feel good, they don't care about me anymore lol.

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>>83614330
things never get better no matter what i do
i dont think i am destined to have anything in life
im so tired, and hopefully ill die soon!

One time I lost like 5kg/11pounds of weight in less than an hour!
Downside is it takes a couple of months until you can walk with a prothesis!

someone not depressed here, what does depression feel like?

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>>83614330
i feel like shit tonight. I wanna drink some more but i know itll just make it worse. I keep reminding myself its just a chemical imbalance and it will pass but no matter how much logic i throw at it none of it sticks. I hate it all, im such a failure. everyone leaves. I'm older and i still have nothing to show for it. Idk much longer i can keep this up. You know all the classics you've heard a dozen times before. Bitching about it does feel better tho.

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>>83617230
like every task takes 200% more motivation and effort to do, like you have no desire to do anything and everything makes you feel shitty. for me rn, a little have a headache but i might just also have a headache haha. But yeah alot of non stop thoughts about dying and stressful things.

>>83617301
Yeah I get you man, I was drinking yesterday and felt like shit so I decided to drink again and ended up puking in the kitchen sink. I'm not really an alcoholic, it's just the only drug available to me in a meaningful quantity. I think I'm just too fucking bored as a loser NEET. I might just try to change my bedsheets today to try and get at least something done.

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>>83617022
That, obviously, was an amputation.
Fun factor was low. Except that the anesthesists gave me an extra high dose of ketamine.
It pays of to be nice to them.

I totally disassociated.
I turned into an arrangement of squares, like 5x7, so about 35.

My consciousness was in the lower left.
My pain, more intense than, luckily, most people will never have to experience, was in the top right of the arrangement, I could totally isolate it.

That was at least interesting.

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>>83614330
Feels weird to dump my feels out here.
Has anyone else felt alone and empty all their life? It feels as though everyone dislikes me and I'm better off alone. Everything I say is awkward and it all feels meaningless.
t. grew up alone

>>83614330
take paroxetine and be happy.